I have officially entered hell. Right now, I am in a restaurant with my
mother and members of the White House Senior Staff. My mother insists on
telling them every single embarrassing thing I ever did as a child. Of
course, they all find this incredibly amusing. "...and then of course,
there was the time Donna got a marble stuck up her nose. Her brothers were
shoving marbles up their noses, and then blowing them out. Donna decided
that she wanted to do this too, so she shoves a big one up her right
nostril. Now when Donna was little, for some reason, she hated to blow her
nose. So when she shoved the marble up in there, she wouldn't blow her nose
to get it out. Well, I had to take her to the emergency room, and she was
crying her little eyes out. She was afraid she would never smell again, and
that she would have an ugly nose for the rest of her life. It was adorable
really, but at the time I was so mad at her!" my mother laughs along with
the rest of the senior staff. Thank you once again, mom for embarrassing me
in front of my friends. "Well, I think I've embarrassed Donna enough for
one night." Damn right you have mommy dear. "Donnatella may have gotten
herself into scrapes, but she's an angel compared to Joshua over there! Oh,
the things he put his mother through!"
Josh turns bright red. "You have nothing on me." Nice try, Sparky. My mother knows all.
"Oh you forget dear, I'm good friends with your mother. We tell stories about our children all the time!" Things are now starting to get interesting. "Do you remember the time your friends dared you to run down the street naked, and then the cops brought you home? You were about 15 I think." my mother winks at me, and smiles kindly at Josh.
Josh looks like he wants to curl up and die. "I-I seem to recall something like that happening."
"It gets worse." CJ, Sam and Toby share significant looks, and lean in closer. "You see, the police officer that brought Josh home was little Rebecca Martin's father, the girl who Josh had asked to homecoming. So you can imagine what happened when Josh came to pick her up, and her father answered the door." I can't believe that I was dreading my mother's visit.
How is it that only half an hour ago, my mother was mocking Josh Lyman, and now she's pushing us together? It's amazing really. "Donna, may I speak with you a moment?" my mother snuck up behind me as we were leaving.
This can't be good. "Sure mom, what's going on?"
"Well, I was wondering if you would mind if CJ gave me a ride home?"
This is really not good. "It's ok with me. Can I ask why?"
"Well, CJ wanted to take me on a night tour of DC."
Nice try, mommy. You'll have to do better. "Can't I do that?"
"Yes dear, but you have to take Joshua home. He doesn't look so good."
Josh was lying on the sidewalk carrying on a conversation with an oil spot. This will not work mother. "Why can't Sam or Toby take him home?" When all else fails, whine.
"Sam is also pretty toasted dear, and Toby has graciously offered to take him home."
Sam heard the last part of my exchange with my mother. "Wait, Josh gets to be taken home by Donna, and I have to go with Toby?" he looked as if he were about to cry.
"You hear that Mr. Oil? Joshua gets to go home with pretty Donnatella, and Samuel gets stuck with ugly Toby." Josh looked pleased with himself for making what he considered an intelligent remark.
"If you weren't to drunk to stand and carrying on a discussion with an oil spot on the sidewalk, I would kick you from here to the Federated States of Micronesia." Toby yells at Josh as he pushes Sam into a cab.
"Hey Joshy! Call me tomorrow, and give me the play by play!" Sam yells from the cab.
"Ok, Sammy! Will do!" Josh yells back.
"Idiots. I work with idiots." CJ mutters.
"Hey, I wouldn't cast stones Ms. Traitor to the Sisterhood." I give CJ a pointed look. CJ just looks incredibly amused.
"Donna dear, I'm sure that whatever CJ did, she did it with the best intentions. And I'm certain that it has nothing to do with the fact the Sam and Josh are idiots. Now, get into the cab. CJ and I will help Josh get in." my mother beams at CJ, as the two of them lift an inebriated Josh off the pavement.
"Bye bye Mr. Oil Spit! Hah! I called Mr. Oil Spot Mr. Oil Spit!" Josh laughs hysterically, and waves goodbye to the oil spot. CJ and my mom just roll their eyes and share a look. Somehow, I think there is more to this than meets the eye. For starters, CJ and my mom are way too buddy- buddy. I do not like where this is going. CJ has one of the greatest criminal minds known to man, second only to my mother.
And right now they are both pushing Josh into my cab. I should be happy that I have CJ and my mother's blessing if you will, but none of that matters, cause Josh more interested in Mr. Oil Spot than me. I'm only going to get hurt. I know this. How do I know? Two words: Dr. Freeride. No, I most certainly do not like where this is going. "Donna, your mom is the best!" Josh says as the cab pulls away. I roll my eyes and look out the back window, only to see my mom and CJ share an enthusiastic high-five. Did I mention that I don't like where this is going?
Josh turns bright red. "You have nothing on me." Nice try, Sparky. My mother knows all.
"Oh you forget dear, I'm good friends with your mother. We tell stories about our children all the time!" Things are now starting to get interesting. "Do you remember the time your friends dared you to run down the street naked, and then the cops brought you home? You were about 15 I think." my mother winks at me, and smiles kindly at Josh.
Josh looks like he wants to curl up and die. "I-I seem to recall something like that happening."
"It gets worse." CJ, Sam and Toby share significant looks, and lean in closer. "You see, the police officer that brought Josh home was little Rebecca Martin's father, the girl who Josh had asked to homecoming. So you can imagine what happened when Josh came to pick her up, and her father answered the door." I can't believe that I was dreading my mother's visit.
How is it that only half an hour ago, my mother was mocking Josh Lyman, and now she's pushing us together? It's amazing really. "Donna, may I speak with you a moment?" my mother snuck up behind me as we were leaving.
This can't be good. "Sure mom, what's going on?"
"Well, I was wondering if you would mind if CJ gave me a ride home?"
This is really not good. "It's ok with me. Can I ask why?"
"Well, CJ wanted to take me on a night tour of DC."
Nice try, mommy. You'll have to do better. "Can't I do that?"
"Yes dear, but you have to take Joshua home. He doesn't look so good."
Josh was lying on the sidewalk carrying on a conversation with an oil spot. This will not work mother. "Why can't Sam or Toby take him home?" When all else fails, whine.
"Sam is also pretty toasted dear, and Toby has graciously offered to take him home."
Sam heard the last part of my exchange with my mother. "Wait, Josh gets to be taken home by Donna, and I have to go with Toby?" he looked as if he were about to cry.
"You hear that Mr. Oil? Joshua gets to go home with pretty Donnatella, and Samuel gets stuck with ugly Toby." Josh looked pleased with himself for making what he considered an intelligent remark.
"If you weren't to drunk to stand and carrying on a discussion with an oil spot on the sidewalk, I would kick you from here to the Federated States of Micronesia." Toby yells at Josh as he pushes Sam into a cab.
"Hey Joshy! Call me tomorrow, and give me the play by play!" Sam yells from the cab.
"Ok, Sammy! Will do!" Josh yells back.
"Idiots. I work with idiots." CJ mutters.
"Hey, I wouldn't cast stones Ms. Traitor to the Sisterhood." I give CJ a pointed look. CJ just looks incredibly amused.
"Donna dear, I'm sure that whatever CJ did, she did it with the best intentions. And I'm certain that it has nothing to do with the fact the Sam and Josh are idiots. Now, get into the cab. CJ and I will help Josh get in." my mother beams at CJ, as the two of them lift an inebriated Josh off the pavement.
"Bye bye Mr. Oil Spit! Hah! I called Mr. Oil Spot Mr. Oil Spit!" Josh laughs hysterically, and waves goodbye to the oil spot. CJ and my mom just roll their eyes and share a look. Somehow, I think there is more to this than meets the eye. For starters, CJ and my mom are way too buddy- buddy. I do not like where this is going. CJ has one of the greatest criminal minds known to man, second only to my mother.
And right now they are both pushing Josh into my cab. I should be happy that I have CJ and my mother's blessing if you will, but none of that matters, cause Josh more interested in Mr. Oil Spot than me. I'm only going to get hurt. I know this. How do I know? Two words: Dr. Freeride. No, I most certainly do not like where this is going. "Donna, your mom is the best!" Josh says as the cab pulls away. I roll my eyes and look out the back window, only to see my mom and CJ share an enthusiastic high-five. Did I mention that I don't like where this is going?