Lost Confused Unkind
chapter 119
At first I felt stunned then I felt angry that he'd been smart enough to make me feel that way! It hit me like someone had just dropped a house on my head! I was in love with Jeff but Jesus how dangerous would that be for him? The music from inside suddenly flooded my ears, it was Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open' & I bit on my lip as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"You ok?" A hand touched my shoulder & I Looked up.
"I thought you'd gone to bed?" I quickly wiped my face.
"Ah Sasha passed out!" Adam smiled & sat down beside me. "Seems like I missed the best of the party though judging from the music!"
"Yeah!" I said & Looked out into the black night.
"Mind if I ah..." He gestured to the bottle in my hand.
"Knock yourself out!"
"Thanks!" he took a gulp from the bottle & handed it back to me so I finished it off. Man I felt wasted! My head was spinning & it was all I could do to get a word out of my mouth! We sat in silence for a while, I simply forgot he was there & just crept into my thoughts away from the world.
"Shawn is a bastard!" I suddenly blurted out.
"What?" Adam laughed.
"I said....." I hiccupped, "Shawn is a bastard!" I lay my head back on the bench but the sky went around in circles so I sat up again.
"Why is Shawn a bastard?" Adam said, clearly as drunk as I was!
"Because..." I thought about it, "...because.......ah fuck it I can't remember but I know he is!"
Adam laughed, "Ya know who else is a bastard?"
"Who? God?"
"No! He just thinks he's God!"
"Who then?"
"Jay!"
We both laughed, "Yeah Jay is a bastard!" I agreed , "But..." I hiccupped again & put a hand to my mouth, 'Jay is a nice bastard!"
"Yeah he's a pretty decent sort of a bastard!"
"What the fuck are we talking about?"" I scratched my head.
"You were saying how much you would like to dance with me out here on this balcony!" Adam smiled stupidly.
"I was?"
He stood up & pulled me into his arms as we drunkenly swayed slowly while the most depressing song I'd ever heard played from inside, Sozzi 'Letting Go' from the 'Dawson's Creek' soundtrack.
"Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard"
I looked up at Adam & he smiled. "Why do I suddenly not feel as drunk as I did 2 minutes ago?" I asked him. he just smiled & shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up
In the middle of the night."
"I don't feel very drunk!" he smiled as we looked at each other. "I hate this Bec!" He whispered.
"Adam don't!" I said quietly.
"To say that
you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it''s just the drink in you"
"I can't help it Bec I'm so fucking confused! It's driving me crazy!" He touched my face.
"You're just drunk!"
"Maybe! But what happens when I wake up sober & I still feel like this?"
"It's wrong!"
"I KNOW! Jesus!" He pulled me close to him & kissed the top of my head, "I love Sasha I know I do!"
"I love Jeff!"
"You do?" I nodded slowly.
"Yeah I do! Fucked up or what?"
"What's fucked up is that I want to kiss you right now!"
I froze & closed my eyes, my head started spinning again. I wanted him to kiss me aswell only I didn't know if it was me or the drink that wanted him so badly! "You can't kiss me."
"Who would know?"
I looked around at the door, no one was in sight. My heart raced as I felt him gently guide me backwards to the wall away from the door, his hands in my hair, his face close to mine. "Don't do this!" I whispered.
"Tell me to stop!" He said quietly as his lips brushed mine & I caught my breath. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop but nothing would come out! I couldn't tell him to stop, I couldn't breathe! Finally our lips met & it felt like an explosion going off in my head as our tongues entwined and I felt his body against mine.
"I believe the lady was trying to say stop!"
We both jumped and looked up to see Shawn standing staring at us. Adam quickly stepped back, biting on his lip. "Shawn!" He put his hands on his hips & looked up at the sky. "Look....man......it wasn't..." Shawn pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the door behind him. I squeezed my eyes tight shut, I wanted to die right there & then! Adam hung his head, I just couldn't look up! I felt so ashamed. Betty & Chris were standing in the doorway both with total looks of shock & disgust written all over their faces. "CHRIS! BETTY! I ah...I......" Adam thought about trying to explain what they'd seen but how the hell could he? It was plain ehnough for anyone with eyes in their head!
"Adam! DUDE?! What the fuck?" Chris held out his hands in disbelief! Still I couldn't bare to turn around & see the look of sheer dissapointment on thier faces!
"I ah...I have to go!" Adam went to barge past Shawn but he grabbed hold of his arm roughly.
"Don't you ever......you got me?" Shawn looked sternly at him & he nodded slwoly, hung his head & squeezed between Betty & Chris as he went back inside. Chris followed him & I finally got the courage to turn around but I couldn't even look at Betty! I was a piece of trash for doing that to a friend & I knew it! I couldn't even speak to her I felt so low!
"What are you........I mean what the FUCK?" Betty shouted & I just looked at my feet, 'I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT BEC!" She looked totally exasperated, he hands on her head. Then she stormed back inside.
I Still didn't look up, my shoulders started shaking as my tears fell & I flet Shawn's arms around me.
"You silly, silly girl!" He said as he held me & stroked my hair.
chapter 119
At first I felt stunned then I felt angry that he'd been smart enough to make me feel that way! It hit me like someone had just dropped a house on my head! I was in love with Jeff but Jesus how dangerous would that be for him? The music from inside suddenly flooded my ears, it was Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open' & I bit on my lip as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"You ok?" A hand touched my shoulder & I Looked up.
"I thought you'd gone to bed?" I quickly wiped my face.
"Ah Sasha passed out!" Adam smiled & sat down beside me. "Seems like I missed the best of the party though judging from the music!"
"Yeah!" I said & Looked out into the black night.
"Mind if I ah..." He gestured to the bottle in my hand.
"Knock yourself out!"
"Thanks!" he took a gulp from the bottle & handed it back to me so I finished it off. Man I felt wasted! My head was spinning & it was all I could do to get a word out of my mouth! We sat in silence for a while, I simply forgot he was there & just crept into my thoughts away from the world.
"Shawn is a bastard!" I suddenly blurted out.
"What?" Adam laughed.
"I said....." I hiccupped, "Shawn is a bastard!" I lay my head back on the bench but the sky went around in circles so I sat up again.
"Why is Shawn a bastard?" Adam said, clearly as drunk as I was!
"Because..." I thought about it, "...because.......ah fuck it I can't remember but I know he is!"
Adam laughed, "Ya know who else is a bastard?"
"Who? God?"
"No! He just thinks he's God!"
"Who then?"
"Jay!"
We both laughed, "Yeah Jay is a bastard!" I agreed , "But..." I hiccupped again & put a hand to my mouth, 'Jay is a nice bastard!"
"Yeah he's a pretty decent sort of a bastard!"
"What the fuck are we talking about?"" I scratched my head.
"You were saying how much you would like to dance with me out here on this balcony!" Adam smiled stupidly.
"I was?"
He stood up & pulled me into his arms as we drunkenly swayed slowly while the most depressing song I'd ever heard played from inside, Sozzi 'Letting Go' from the 'Dawson's Creek' soundtrack.
"Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard"
I looked up at Adam & he smiled. "Why do I suddenly not feel as drunk as I did 2 minutes ago?" I asked him. he just smiled & shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up
In the middle of the night."
"I don't feel very drunk!" he smiled as we looked at each other. "I hate this Bec!" He whispered.
"Adam don't!" I said quietly.
"To say that
you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it''s just the drink in you"
"I can't help it Bec I'm so fucking confused! It's driving me crazy!" He touched my face.
"You're just drunk!"
"Maybe! But what happens when I wake up sober & I still feel like this?"
"It's wrong!"
"I KNOW! Jesus!" He pulled me close to him & kissed the top of my head, "I love Sasha I know I do!"
"I love Jeff!"
"You do?" I nodded slowly.
"Yeah I do! Fucked up or what?"
"What's fucked up is that I want to kiss you right now!"
I froze & closed my eyes, my head started spinning again. I wanted him to kiss me aswell only I didn't know if it was me or the drink that wanted him so badly! "You can't kiss me."
"Who would know?"
I looked around at the door, no one was in sight. My heart raced as I felt him gently guide me backwards to the wall away from the door, his hands in my hair, his face close to mine. "Don't do this!" I whispered.
"Tell me to stop!" He said quietly as his lips brushed mine & I caught my breath. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop but nothing would come out! I couldn't tell him to stop, I couldn't breathe! Finally our lips met & it felt like an explosion going off in my head as our tongues entwined and I felt his body against mine.
"I believe the lady was trying to say stop!"
We both jumped and looked up to see Shawn standing staring at us. Adam quickly stepped back, biting on his lip. "Shawn!" He put his hands on his hips & looked up at the sky. "Look....man......it wasn't..." Shawn pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the door behind him. I squeezed my eyes tight shut, I wanted to die right there & then! Adam hung his head, I just couldn't look up! I felt so ashamed. Betty & Chris were standing in the doorway both with total looks of shock & disgust written all over their faces. "CHRIS! BETTY! I ah...I......" Adam thought about trying to explain what they'd seen but how the hell could he? It was plain ehnough for anyone with eyes in their head!
"Adam! DUDE?! What the fuck?" Chris held out his hands in disbelief! Still I couldn't bare to turn around & see the look of sheer dissapointment on thier faces!
"I ah...I have to go!" Adam went to barge past Shawn but he grabbed hold of his arm roughly.
"Don't you ever......you got me?" Shawn looked sternly at him & he nodded slwoly, hung his head & squeezed between Betty & Chris as he went back inside. Chris followed him & I finally got the courage to turn around but I couldn't even look at Betty! I was a piece of trash for doing that to a friend & I knew it! I couldn't even speak to her I felt so low!
"What are you........I mean what the FUCK?" Betty shouted & I just looked at my feet, 'I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT BEC!" She looked totally exasperated, he hands on her head. Then she stormed back inside.
I Still didn't look up, my shoulders started shaking as my tears fell & I flet Shawn's arms around me.
"You silly, silly girl!" He said as he held me & stroked my hair.