AN: Warning—Mild swearing in this chapter. I'll change the rating if needed.
Kissing a Fool
One: Vampires Among Us1984
He slammed the heavy metal door open angrily, and stalked out onto the backlot. The harsh afternoon sun was an unwelcome contrast to the dark, cold studio, and Chandler had to squint until his eyes adjusted to the light. He shoved his hand into his pants pocket blindly, and pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds. He shook out a cigarette, and shoved the pack back into his pocket, before lighting the white nicotine stick and inhaling deeply. He exhaled heavily and leaned up against the stark off-white wall.
He was so tired.
He was always tired these days, and it seemed that he could never get a moment's peace anymore. He felt like he was being pulled in ten different directions, by people that only wanted to cling onto his fame and fortune. They were like vampires, sucking out his life force at every opportunity.
God, he could be so dramatic sometimes.
He chuckled bitterly, and inhaled deeply on his cigarette. The studio door opened just as he was exhaling.
"Aren't you a little bit young to be smoking?" Kathy Scott, Chandler's co-star/onscreen sister walked out and grabbed his cigarette before putting it to her own lips.
"Like you should talk," Chandler smiled, and pulled another cigarette from his pack.
"Everyone in there is 'conferencing' about you," Kathy sighed, "Why do you have to always start shit?"
"I didn't start it, they did. They're always treating me like a little kid," Chandler whined.
"Newsflash Bing, you are a kid. Just because you are a millionaire—"
"Multi-millionaire," Chandler corrected.
"Fine, multi-millionaire, that doesn't make you a man."
"Funny, you had no complaints about my manhood last night," Chandler smiled wickedly.
"You wish, Bing," Kathy dropped her cigarette and stubbed it out with the tip of her shoe, "tourist alert," she added quickly, and kicked away her cigarette butt.
Chandler took one last drag and followed suit, exhaling his smoke just as a mini-tram full of tourists approached.
"And if you look to your left you will see…well my, you folks sure are lucky today! It looks like we're gonna get a visit with not one, but two of the stars of the hit show Family Style! Chandler Bing and Kathy Scott!" The too-perky female tour guide pulled the tram to a stop and smiled pleadingly at the two actors.
"They just had to start shuttling studio tours through here, didn't they," Chandler muttered through his stage smile, as he and Kathy waved enthusiastically and approached the tram.
"At least you don't get groped by dirty old men," Kathy replied through gritted teeth.
"That's what you think," Chandler replied flatly, before turning to the tour group.
Vampires.
1996
"There you are," Rachel sighed, as Monica slumped into the coffee shop, "hey, what's wrong?"
"I told him," Monica sighed, as she collapsed onto the sofa and took the coffee Rachel handed her, "I told him the truth…and he totally freaked out, and he said he never wants to see me again."
"Wow…um, Mon, why did you tell him?"
"I had to, Rach! I always hated that it was between us, and I couldn't live a lie!"
"God, you are so…ugh!" Rachel fell onto the sofa next to Monica, and waved her hands in exasperation. "Do you know what's going to happen now? Do you even know how good you had it? Did you even stop to think of how this was going to affect me?"
Monica turned to look at her friend, "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't include you in my relationship decisions," she said flatly and sarcastically, "How selfish of me."
"Tsh, yeah!" Rachel replied, ignoring Monica's sarcasm.
"Rach, you don't understand, okay?"
"No, I do understand, Mon! You were happy! Happier than I've ever seen you! And then you had to go and tell him the truth, and look where it got you!"
"Maybe after he calms down—"
"Calms down? Mon, I love you, you know that. But this has got to be the single stupidest thing you have ever done in your entire life!"
"Yeah, I don't know about that…"
1995
"Oh, come on, Rach, it'll be fun!"
"I really don't see how standing outside in the freezing cold behind a theatre could ever be perceived as 'fun'," Rachel whined, as Monica took her hand and dragged her down the darkened street.
"Oh, look, there he is!"
"What? Where?" Rachel craned her neck around, as a crowd quickly began gathering.
"Joey! Joey! Can you—um, sign my Playbill?" Monica smiled, and shoved her program toward the handsome actor.
Joey grabbed the program and signed it wordlessly, as he worked his way through the crowd. He stopped in front of Rachel, a predatory grin spreading across his face.
"How you doin'?"
"M-me?" Rachel grinned, as she pushed out her chest.
"What's your name?"
"Uh—um—"
"Her name is Rachel," Monica pushed her way toward Joey, "and I'm Monica."
"Well alright," Joey smiled, "It's always more fun with two!"
"What?" Monica furrowed her brow.
"What?" Joey replied, then dropped an arm on each woman's shoulder, "You ladies wanna get some coffee?"
"So, when you said coffee, I assumed you meant at a coffee shop," Monica muttered nervously, as Joey keyed into his apartment.
"I make better coffee," Joey said slyly, and winked at Monica as she walked into the apartment.
"Hey Joe, your agent called," a disembodied voice came from behind a barcalounger.
"Whoa, dude, I didn't know you'd be here," Joey chuckled uneasily, "Uh, well, that's okay, now we have even numbers."
The chair whipped around, and a light-haired, thin man stared up at Joey incredulously.
Monica stared at the man for a moment, trying desperately to figure out where she'd seen him before. He looked really, really familiar…
"Chandler, this is Monica and Raquel," Joey ignored Chandler's look and waved his hand toward the two women.
"Rachel, actually," Rachel said quietly.
"Nice to meet you," Chandler smiled tightly and stood up, "I'll…go take a walk or something."
"You don't have to," Joey said. Lowering his voice he added, "Dude, I brought one home for ya!"
"Gee, thanks," Chandler replied rancorously.
"Mon, you should talk to that Chandler-guy!" Rachel whispered, as they watched the two men argue at the front door.
"Rach, that is Chandler Bing! I—I can't talk to Chandler Bing!"
"Who the hell is Chandler Bing?"
"Don't you remember that show when we were kids? Family Style?"
"Um, no. But maybe he'll want to talk about it—or wait, even better! Act like you don't even know who he is! He probably gets asked about that Family show all the time!"
"But—"
"I'm telling you, it'll totally work! Especially on a washed up actor like him!"
"Rach!"
"Hey, you ladies don't mind if Chandler stays for a while, do you?" Joey boomed, interrupting their session. Chandler shot Joey an evil glare, and Rachel elbowed Monica.
"Uh, no, not at all," Monica smiled at Chandler, who flushed slightly and looked at his shoes.
"See?" Joey smiled at Chandler triumphantly, and made his way back to the women, "So what were you ladies talking about?" he asked flirtily.
"Um, well, I was just telling Monica that I thought Chandler looked familiar," Rachel lied, and shot Monica a pleading glance, "And then it hit me—You're Chandler Bing, right?"
Chandler's expression hardened, and he groaned inwardly, "Yeah," he sighed.
"I knew it! Monica didn't know who you were, but I remember your show…"
Chandler shot Monica a strange look, and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"My, uh, parents didn't let me watch television," Monica mumbled.
"Wow, so…you've never heard of me?" Chandler asked warily.
Monica shrugged, "Sorry, I—I guess…not."
"No, that's okay," Chandler grinned, "that's definitely okay."
1984
"Well, that was…unpleasant," Kathy said through her smile, as the tram pulled away.
"I imagine that that is what hell is like," Chandler replied through an equally fake smile, and dug out his cigarettes as soon as the tram was safely out of sight.
"Gimme one," Kathy held out her hand.
"Why can't you buy your own cigarettes?" Chandler sighed, and handed her a stick.
"I'm trying to quit," Kathy muttered with the cigarette between her lips. Chandler lit the cigarette and she took a deep drag before adding, "besides, you make three times more than any of us, you can afford to support one of my vices."
"Yeah, I guess I'd rather support this than your fucking coke habit," Chandler hissed, and took his place against the studio wall.
"Fuck you," Kathy muttered, as the studio door opened again.
"Chandler, David wants to see you," Ian Chambers, Chandler's other onscreen sibling announced flatly, his eyes narrowing when he spotted Kathy.
"Kathy, I thought you quit smoking," he whined in his annoying nine-year old voice.
"And I thought you quit being a loser," Chandler spat, and stubbed out his cigarette, as he and Kathy pushed past Ian into the studio.
"David said I don't have to take that from you," Ian whined meekly.
"Well then go tattle, loser," Chandler challenged, and pushed Ian away before storming across the studio.
"He's just a kid," Kathy whispered, as she jogged to catch up with Chandler moments later.
"So am I," Chandler said innocently, his cerulean eyes dancing and a wicked smile lining his face, "and so are you. Kids will be kids," Chandler laughed, and walked away slowly.
Kathy watched him walk away, and shook her head sadly.
Kids—that's the last thing they were anymore.
AN: Thank you all for the kind reviews! I hope I can make this into something mildly readable…the idea has been dancing in my head for a while…lemme know what you think!