Lately I've been having this dream that I can't seem to shake. I'm walking
around Capeside, just wandering with no destination in mind and I see Joey
in the street. She's still as hauntingly beautiful as she was the last
time I saw her and she's carrying a small child, our child. She's
fidgeting and fussing with the bonnet, kissing the child's cheeks and
cooing at him or her incessantly. I can't help but stop and watch them,
wishing I had not ended things the way I did so I could talk to her and see
her face. Deciding to take a chance, I walk over to her but just as I get
there, a man I don't know intercepts her and kisses her passionately,
taking my child from her and pulling her into his arms. They look like a
family and it makes me sick. I should be there with him. I should be
holding our child and kissing her but I'm not. It's usually around the
time she starts to giggle and squeeze the man's butt playfully that I wake
up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. I should be gasping, the only person
worth living for is gone now and it's all because of me.
So it's been three months since Joey's little announcement and my horrible exit from the Plaza. I settled back into my pre-Joey routine and tried to make it through each day. Sarah was still working all the time and it was probably for the best. I could barely look at her or myself because of what happened. I hated to even look in the mirror or close my eyes because the look on Joey's face when I said it was over and that I didn't love her was too much to handle. So I suffered in silence in a loveless, barely existent marriage because it was safe, even though my heart wanted to go out and find Joey and be with her. The few times I saw that actually happening though came in my dreams.
As time went by, I heard from Audrey, my reluctant informant, about Joey. She said that Joey went home and told Christopher that she was cheating on him and wanted a divorce immediately, which won her one good smack across the face before he let her go. The thought of him hitting her made my blood boil because it wasn't her fault that she and I were together like we were. It wasn't my fault either, it just happened. Audrey said Joey was keeping the baby and moved into a new apartment and was working more from home to avoid running into her future ex-husband at the office.
"Should I go talk to her?" I asked Audrey over the phone one night.
"Are you nuts? She would kill me if she knew I told you any of this," Audrey shrieked. "She doesn't want to see you Dawson and I think after what happened at the hotel that you have no right to see her right now."
"She carrying my child," I said angrily.
"Yeah the one you said was a mistake and abandoned the woman you love who is carrying it," Audrey snapped.
"I didn't mean it," I said softly.
"Yeah well you sure did a hell of a job convincing her that you meant it," she snapped again. "She left her husband Dawson and owned up to what happened, she wasn't a coward like you."
Audrey stopped calling after that a night. I guess she woke up and realized that telling me about Joey and keeping her alive in my heart and mind was wrong. After begging and pleading with Joey's secretary, who knew about us and fielded calls while we were together, I had her address and I was determined to see her. She would have been about five months pregnant now and I needed to see her, to tell her how I felt and how wrong I was. I was finally ready to ask Sarah for a divorce and I wanted to get out. To get out and be happy finally with someone I loved and loved me back. I had a few daisies in my hand and my heart started racing, afraid of what might happen when she did see me. After ringing the bell, I could hear footsteps come closer and I began to feel faint, only to snap back when I saw a portly man answer the door.
"Can I help you?" he said, looking at me and the flowers in my hand curiously.
"Ah I'm looking for Joey Potter, or Joey Matthews, she lives here," I said, wondering if I had the wrong address.
"There's no Joey at this address man," he said with a sigh. "She moved out a week ago."
"Did she say where she was going or leave anything?" I asked, feeling my heart sink and the painful realization that I had really blown it settle in me.
"Nope just said she was leaving New York for good, nothing here to stay for anymore," he said, noticing my pained expression. "She was pretty pregnant though so her sister came to help her." Bessie, she could help me, if I begged enough. So I called and begged for Bessie to tell me where she was but with no surprise, she wouldn't budge.
"You've got to be kidding me Dawson if you actually thought I would tell you where she was," Bessie laughed.
"Please, I just need to see her for five minutes," I begged, almost on my hands and knees over the phone begging.
"Burn in hell if you think I would let you go near her after what you did," she snapped.
"Hey I remember her being a willing participant as well," I said angrily, getting tired of the constant Dawson bashing.
"Yes she was and she took responsibility, she left her husband that she didn't love and held out hope for months that you would do the same and come find her but you didn't because you used her and threw her away," Bessie yelled, slamming the phone down.
I think it's fair to say the next few months were horrible. I still tried to find Joey, even calling a P.I. to try and locate her, even if just to know she was alive. But nothing worked. Jack and Audrey chose to stay on Joey's side of this and Pacey was well far removed from it all. I still thought about her every day and I dreamt about her too. I began turning to liquor a bit to numb the pain and guilt I still felt and to deal with the dull monotony of my days. Ironically Sarah finally asked for a divorce, noticing my change in demeanor and because she met someone else and ironically again been cheating on me for most of our marriage as well.
"I love him Dawson and I deserve this, to be happy with someone who loves me as much as I do them," she said, handing her Gucci bags to the cab driver. With a chaste kiss, she was gone and I was completely alone with no wife, no friends and no Joey all at my own doing. When the phone rang in the middle of the night that October, I barely was able to answer in time thanks to my gin soaked sleep.
"Hello," I mumbled into the phone, reaching around for my watch on the nightstand.
"I don't know why I'm calling you, maybe it's because everything I've heard about you actually makes me feel a shred of sympathy," the female voice whispered into the phone.
"Who is this?" I asked, waking up a bit.
"Joey just gave birth to your son and I thought you should know he's healthy and looks just like you," the voice said and hung up before I could say anything.
I've never really had an epiphany before but I think the sound of the dial tone after that caller hung up was finally it. It was my wake up call. It was no surprise that I hated my life and what I had become. I was alone and unhappy all the time. A year ago I was married with friends and the love of my life with me and now I managed to push or alienate them all away. I was tired of being unhappy and being alone. I wanted Joey, I always wanted her and now I was ready to go get her and my son and make a life together. The words she said the night our whole little affair started rang in my head.
Flashback "I shouldn't have let it end with that."I should have made you hear me out more, I
should have made you admit how you really felt because I knew it in
my heart that we should have been together." End Flashback
What she said was right. I shouldn't have let our incident at the Plaza end it and I should have made more of an effort to tell her what I was really thinking and feeling rather than push her away again. She knew back then that we belonged together and I knew it now. That night I packed a bag and got in my car to head back to Capeside and I wasn't going to leave until Bessie or someone told me where to find her.
So it's been three months since Joey's little announcement and my horrible exit from the Plaza. I settled back into my pre-Joey routine and tried to make it through each day. Sarah was still working all the time and it was probably for the best. I could barely look at her or myself because of what happened. I hated to even look in the mirror or close my eyes because the look on Joey's face when I said it was over and that I didn't love her was too much to handle. So I suffered in silence in a loveless, barely existent marriage because it was safe, even though my heart wanted to go out and find Joey and be with her. The few times I saw that actually happening though came in my dreams.
As time went by, I heard from Audrey, my reluctant informant, about Joey. She said that Joey went home and told Christopher that she was cheating on him and wanted a divorce immediately, which won her one good smack across the face before he let her go. The thought of him hitting her made my blood boil because it wasn't her fault that she and I were together like we were. It wasn't my fault either, it just happened. Audrey said Joey was keeping the baby and moved into a new apartment and was working more from home to avoid running into her future ex-husband at the office.
"Should I go talk to her?" I asked Audrey over the phone one night.
"Are you nuts? She would kill me if she knew I told you any of this," Audrey shrieked. "She doesn't want to see you Dawson and I think after what happened at the hotel that you have no right to see her right now."
"She carrying my child," I said angrily.
"Yeah the one you said was a mistake and abandoned the woman you love who is carrying it," Audrey snapped.
"I didn't mean it," I said softly.
"Yeah well you sure did a hell of a job convincing her that you meant it," she snapped again. "She left her husband Dawson and owned up to what happened, she wasn't a coward like you."
Audrey stopped calling after that a night. I guess she woke up and realized that telling me about Joey and keeping her alive in my heart and mind was wrong. After begging and pleading with Joey's secretary, who knew about us and fielded calls while we were together, I had her address and I was determined to see her. She would have been about five months pregnant now and I needed to see her, to tell her how I felt and how wrong I was. I was finally ready to ask Sarah for a divorce and I wanted to get out. To get out and be happy finally with someone I loved and loved me back. I had a few daisies in my hand and my heart started racing, afraid of what might happen when she did see me. After ringing the bell, I could hear footsteps come closer and I began to feel faint, only to snap back when I saw a portly man answer the door.
"Can I help you?" he said, looking at me and the flowers in my hand curiously.
"Ah I'm looking for Joey Potter, or Joey Matthews, she lives here," I said, wondering if I had the wrong address.
"There's no Joey at this address man," he said with a sigh. "She moved out a week ago."
"Did she say where she was going or leave anything?" I asked, feeling my heart sink and the painful realization that I had really blown it settle in me.
"Nope just said she was leaving New York for good, nothing here to stay for anymore," he said, noticing my pained expression. "She was pretty pregnant though so her sister came to help her." Bessie, she could help me, if I begged enough. So I called and begged for Bessie to tell me where she was but with no surprise, she wouldn't budge.
"You've got to be kidding me Dawson if you actually thought I would tell you where she was," Bessie laughed.
"Please, I just need to see her for five minutes," I begged, almost on my hands and knees over the phone begging.
"Burn in hell if you think I would let you go near her after what you did," she snapped.
"Hey I remember her being a willing participant as well," I said angrily, getting tired of the constant Dawson bashing.
"Yes she was and she took responsibility, she left her husband that she didn't love and held out hope for months that you would do the same and come find her but you didn't because you used her and threw her away," Bessie yelled, slamming the phone down.
I think it's fair to say the next few months were horrible. I still tried to find Joey, even calling a P.I. to try and locate her, even if just to know she was alive. But nothing worked. Jack and Audrey chose to stay on Joey's side of this and Pacey was well far removed from it all. I still thought about her every day and I dreamt about her too. I began turning to liquor a bit to numb the pain and guilt I still felt and to deal with the dull monotony of my days. Ironically Sarah finally asked for a divorce, noticing my change in demeanor and because she met someone else and ironically again been cheating on me for most of our marriage as well.
"I love him Dawson and I deserve this, to be happy with someone who loves me as much as I do them," she said, handing her Gucci bags to the cab driver. With a chaste kiss, she was gone and I was completely alone with no wife, no friends and no Joey all at my own doing. When the phone rang in the middle of the night that October, I barely was able to answer in time thanks to my gin soaked sleep.
"Hello," I mumbled into the phone, reaching around for my watch on the nightstand.
"I don't know why I'm calling you, maybe it's because everything I've heard about you actually makes me feel a shred of sympathy," the female voice whispered into the phone.
"Who is this?" I asked, waking up a bit.
"Joey just gave birth to your son and I thought you should know he's healthy and looks just like you," the voice said and hung up before I could say anything.
I've never really had an epiphany before but I think the sound of the dial tone after that caller hung up was finally it. It was my wake up call. It was no surprise that I hated my life and what I had become. I was alone and unhappy all the time. A year ago I was married with friends and the love of my life with me and now I managed to push or alienate them all away. I was tired of being unhappy and being alone. I wanted Joey, I always wanted her and now I was ready to go get her and my son and make a life together. The words she said the night our whole little affair started rang in my head.
Flashback "I shouldn't have let it end with that."I should have made you hear me out more, I
should have made you admit how you really felt because I knew it in
my heart that we should have been together." End Flashback
What she said was right. I shouldn't have let our incident at the Plaza end it and I should have made more of an effort to tell her what I was really thinking and feeling rather than push her away again. She knew back then that we belonged together and I knew it now. That night I packed a bag and got in my car to head back to Capeside and I wasn't going to leave until Bessie or someone told me where to find her.