The weather in Capeside was beginning to change when I arrived early the
next morning. Living in New York for a few years, I almost forgot what it
felt like to have the chilled wind run through you, slapping your face and
tossing your hair. With all the buildings in New York, they fortunately
capture most of the wind that blows through the city. The leaves were
beginning to turn in the small town and the view of my house was quite
stunning as my car pulled into the drive. The leaves were bright red and
orange and I could see that my mom had already pulled out the Halloween
decorations for next week's annual Leery Halloween party. Remembering back
to my Friday the 13th party all those years ago, the image of Joey falling
out of the closet, pretending that the Ladykiller had cut her throat. The
thought of losing her and being left without my best friend terrified me at
that moment and makes me laugh a bit now because I really did lose her, but
not to some psycho killer.
"Dawson is that you?" my mother calls, snapping me from my thoughts.
"Hi mom," I say, hanging my head a bit and walking into her warm embrace. I had yet to really tell her about Sarah, our impending divorce and everything that happened with Joey. I think she had an idea though that something was going on between us. At Christmas Joey and I were kissing and holding one another in one of the guestrooms when she walked in to deposit Jack's coat, almost catching us. I tried to behave myself while Joey was there with Christopher, but we snuck away several times to kiss and I held her hand tightly under the dinner table, catching my mother's inquiring eye. She certainly didn't know that she was a grandmother or that her son was the reason her grandson and Joey disappeared.
It was after a warm hello with Lily, who was dashing off to play with Alex, that mom sat me down and waited for me to open up.
"I screwed up mom, I screwed up pretty bad and I don't know if I can fix it," I said, my voice cracking a bit, finally able to open up to someone about this.
"What happened Dawson?" she said softly, reaching for my hand.
"Sarah left me, we're getting divorced," I say, burying my face in my hands.
"Oh honey I'm so sorry," she said soothingly, rubbing my shoulder, causing me to laugh.
"No mom, I'm not upset about Sarah leaving, she left me for another guy, someone she was with during most of our marriage," I said, laughing a bit. "The ironic thing is that we both loved other people during our entire marriage, only she has the chance to be with the one she loves."
"Dawson I don't understand what you're talking about," she said confused.
"Mom while Sarah was cheating on me, I was cheating on her..with Joey, for over a year," I say, feeling better that it's finally off my chest. My mother's reaction was fairly calm, as I said, I think she knew something was going on.
"Dawson." she started.
"No mom it gets worse," I say, taking a deep breath. "Christopher was never there for her and Sarah was always gone.and it started completely platonic and then it just became something more. And we were happy.so happy, but then Joey tells me she's pregnant and I just panicked. She said she wanted to be with me and wanted us to leave our spouses and be together, and I wanted to, I wanted to leave Sarah and cut her free and be with Joey finally after all these years. But I panicked, I was afraid and I told her it was over, that I didn't love her and that I never wanted to see her again."
"Oh Dawson." she started again, but I wasn't finished.
"So she left Christopher and left New York," I said. "She left him and wanted me to go to her and I didn't. Audrey would tell me things from time to time but she wanted to protect Joey, just like Jack and Bessie did. I got a phone call last night that said she had the baby.a son. I love her so much but I was scared and now she's gone and no one will let me talk to her at all."
"I know Dawson," Gail said softly.
"What do you mean you know?" I said, my mother unable to look me in the eye.
"I know about Joey being pregnant, I know she gave birth to a son, I saw her." she said, fidgeting with her hands.
"You knew? You knew and you didn't tell me?" I said angrily.
"Dawson I was instructed not to tell you.I had to respect her wishes," my mother said, looking at me finally. I felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest. My own mother knew but didn't say anything.
"Do you know where she is?" I ask, hopeful she'll say yes.
"Yes Dawson I do," she said, reaching for my hand again.
"Tell me mom, please," I say, trying to fight the tears in my eye. I see the hesitation in her face, mentally she's contemplating what she should do, betray her surrogate daughter or leave her son like this.
"She's in Boston Dawson, she lives there now and has been since she left New York," she says finally, watching my face light up. She's only an hour away.
"I have to go," I said, getting up to get my stuff together. "Do you have an address?" She nods and hands me a folded piece of paper that has Joey's name and address on it.
"Dawson you do what you have to do, but be careful," she said nervously, hiding something from me.
"What do you mean?" I ask, temporarily tearing my attention away from my bags.
"I think if you go to see her you should keep in mind that whatever picture you see in your head might not be what you really get," she said, moving into the kitchen. "Things have changed Dawson, they're different now."
"Mom," I laugh, "This is crazy. Joey still loves me I know it. What we have will survive this like it has everything else. Trust me I'm coming back with Joey and your grandson." God I was as naïve as I was when I was a kid. To think that it would really be that easy. In the movies it was that simple, but not in real life. I needed a good hard reality check or kick in the ass, but that came later too.
"Good luck Dawson," she said, helping me to throw my stuff in the car, waving as it took off.
The entire ride to Boston, my heart was racing and I couldn't stop smiling. At a rest stop a long the way I saw a father and his toddler son playing and I couldn't believe that I was that person. I was a father. The phone call told me my son looked like me, but I couldn't imagine what he would actually look like. It was nighttime when I arrived in Boston so I immediately checked into a hotel downtown. That night I dreamed of Joey and our son. She was standing in a park, pushing our son on the swings when she sees me coming toward her. Without a word she walks to me, our baby in her arms and I hold her. I can smell her hair and perfume even in the dream. Just as she is about to kiss me though I wake up, the sound of the alarm ringing in my ears, causing me to groan.
"Come on not even a kiss?" I stammer, hitting the Snooze button and a smile growing on my face.
Later that morning I was walking around downtown, slowly making my way to her apartment. I walk by her street several times, unable to get up the nerve yet to go to her door and knock. For the first time I'm actually afraid of what she might say. While walking down her street for the millionth time, I take a minute to actually look at the park at the end of her block. It's rather large and quaint with slides, swings and playing fields for sports. Several mothers are there, chatting and playing with their kids. Again I'm captivated by that image, imaging my Joey as a mother. Still unable to work up the nerve to go to her apartment, I go to the park and sit on a bench, watching the mothers pushing babies and toddlers in the swings, the sounds of children's laughter filling the noon air.
I sit and watch for a while, noticing the fathers come to join their wives, picking their children up and kissing their little faces. I'm so caught up in the sight that my concentration is only broken by a familiar sound, the sound of Joey's laughter. Her laugh is so distinct that I can pick it out anywhere, even after years apart. My eyes start scanning the park to find her, unsure if I would actually recognize her.
"Okay baby look at mommy, can you give me a smile," I hear her say, spinning my head around to follow her voice. After a few minutes of searching, I see her sitting on a blanket under a tree with a picnic set around her. She looks just a lovely as the last time I saw her and for a minute I just take in the view, how glowing and radiant she looks. I feel my heart race increase as I continue to look at her, nearly giving me heart failure when she picks up the baby resting in the bassinet in front of her, holding him up. I can't see his face but I can see his chubby little legs and his arms dangling from the blanket she has him wrapped in. This is the first glance I had at my son and I can't stop staring at him or his mother. Finally getting the nerve up to walk over to her, I still hear her cooing to our child.
"Come on baby can you say mommy? Mommy.M.O.M.M.Y," she laughs, annunciating every letter in Mommy. I laugh and slowly put on foot in front of the other, getting closer to her. The baby is blocking her view of me walking to her, but it's okay, I would rather surprise her.
"You are the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world, yes you are," she giggles, kissing his stomach and giving him a little shake. I'm about to call something to her when I stop, someone else interrupting her.
"Joey honey he's only a few days old, you can't expect him to say mommy yet," a male voice says with a laugh. Suddenly I freeze in my tracks, wondering if that voice is really talking to the Joey I fear he is. Jumping behind a tree, I pause and work up the courage to look around at her picnic. Sure enough there is a tall man with dark hair and eyes sitting next to Joey, also gazing adoringly at her son.our son.
"John come on you never know, my little boy could be a genius and repeating Shakespeare's sonnets by heart at age four," she laughs, handing him our son as she digs in the basket.
"Genius Joey? Okay maybe but Shakespeare at age four is pushing it a bit," he laughs, balancing the baby in one arm while wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her back to him, causing me to almost vomit right there.
"Okay maybe not, but this boy is going to be such a heartbreaker," Joey says, leaning in to kiss the baby's cheek before doing the worst thing I could imagine, leaning in to kiss the mystery man. I want to look away but I can't. After a quick kiss she pulls away but he leans in again and they kiss deeply, still holding the baby in his arms. I can't look away and I can't seem to say anything at that moment. I'm frozen in my shoes, hiding behind the tree.
My mom was right, things really are different. I won't be going home with my Joey and my son. She's moved on, she's found someone else, someone who cares for her and the baby and won't leave her and tell her she was a mistake. At that moment I hate myself more than before for what I did. I've lost her all over again. I lost her to Pacey, twice, and I lost her to Christopher when they married, but now I've lost her again, yet this time it feels worse than before. Maybe it's because she has our child and we actually have a chance to really be together, between the baby and both of us being divorced, or maybe it's because this is really the ending we're supposed to have.
I'm spared a long passionate kiss between them and continue to watch for a few minutes, even catching a glimpse at my son's face. I'm still tempted to go over and talk with her but I know I can't now. I've hurt her for the last time and for me to waltz back in her life now and disrupt everything wouldn't be fair. I pushed her away and she moved on. She looks so beautiful and so happy, how can I ruin that? So as painful as it was, I made a choice.I chose to walk away, to let her be happy. She doesn't deserve me.she didn't deserve everything I did to her that night at the Plaza and all the hurt she ensured afterward. Leaving her and our son alone now, with this guy or anyone else who will treat her right is the best thing I can do. Closing my eyes to say a private goodbye, I take one last look at her and then walk away, tempted to look back, but I don't. I leave the park and Boston that day and don't return again for four years.
"Dawson is that you?" my mother calls, snapping me from my thoughts.
"Hi mom," I say, hanging my head a bit and walking into her warm embrace. I had yet to really tell her about Sarah, our impending divorce and everything that happened with Joey. I think she had an idea though that something was going on between us. At Christmas Joey and I were kissing and holding one another in one of the guestrooms when she walked in to deposit Jack's coat, almost catching us. I tried to behave myself while Joey was there with Christopher, but we snuck away several times to kiss and I held her hand tightly under the dinner table, catching my mother's inquiring eye. She certainly didn't know that she was a grandmother or that her son was the reason her grandson and Joey disappeared.
It was after a warm hello with Lily, who was dashing off to play with Alex, that mom sat me down and waited for me to open up.
"I screwed up mom, I screwed up pretty bad and I don't know if I can fix it," I said, my voice cracking a bit, finally able to open up to someone about this.
"What happened Dawson?" she said softly, reaching for my hand.
"Sarah left me, we're getting divorced," I say, burying my face in my hands.
"Oh honey I'm so sorry," she said soothingly, rubbing my shoulder, causing me to laugh.
"No mom, I'm not upset about Sarah leaving, she left me for another guy, someone she was with during most of our marriage," I said, laughing a bit. "The ironic thing is that we both loved other people during our entire marriage, only she has the chance to be with the one she loves."
"Dawson I don't understand what you're talking about," she said confused.
"Mom while Sarah was cheating on me, I was cheating on her..with Joey, for over a year," I say, feeling better that it's finally off my chest. My mother's reaction was fairly calm, as I said, I think she knew something was going on.
"Dawson." she started.
"No mom it gets worse," I say, taking a deep breath. "Christopher was never there for her and Sarah was always gone.and it started completely platonic and then it just became something more. And we were happy.so happy, but then Joey tells me she's pregnant and I just panicked. She said she wanted to be with me and wanted us to leave our spouses and be together, and I wanted to, I wanted to leave Sarah and cut her free and be with Joey finally after all these years. But I panicked, I was afraid and I told her it was over, that I didn't love her and that I never wanted to see her again."
"Oh Dawson." she started again, but I wasn't finished.
"So she left Christopher and left New York," I said. "She left him and wanted me to go to her and I didn't. Audrey would tell me things from time to time but she wanted to protect Joey, just like Jack and Bessie did. I got a phone call last night that said she had the baby.a son. I love her so much but I was scared and now she's gone and no one will let me talk to her at all."
"I know Dawson," Gail said softly.
"What do you mean you know?" I said, my mother unable to look me in the eye.
"I know about Joey being pregnant, I know she gave birth to a son, I saw her." she said, fidgeting with her hands.
"You knew? You knew and you didn't tell me?" I said angrily.
"Dawson I was instructed not to tell you.I had to respect her wishes," my mother said, looking at me finally. I felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest. My own mother knew but didn't say anything.
"Do you know where she is?" I ask, hopeful she'll say yes.
"Yes Dawson I do," she said, reaching for my hand again.
"Tell me mom, please," I say, trying to fight the tears in my eye. I see the hesitation in her face, mentally she's contemplating what she should do, betray her surrogate daughter or leave her son like this.
"She's in Boston Dawson, she lives there now and has been since she left New York," she says finally, watching my face light up. She's only an hour away.
"I have to go," I said, getting up to get my stuff together. "Do you have an address?" She nods and hands me a folded piece of paper that has Joey's name and address on it.
"Dawson you do what you have to do, but be careful," she said nervously, hiding something from me.
"What do you mean?" I ask, temporarily tearing my attention away from my bags.
"I think if you go to see her you should keep in mind that whatever picture you see in your head might not be what you really get," she said, moving into the kitchen. "Things have changed Dawson, they're different now."
"Mom," I laugh, "This is crazy. Joey still loves me I know it. What we have will survive this like it has everything else. Trust me I'm coming back with Joey and your grandson." God I was as naïve as I was when I was a kid. To think that it would really be that easy. In the movies it was that simple, but not in real life. I needed a good hard reality check or kick in the ass, but that came later too.
"Good luck Dawson," she said, helping me to throw my stuff in the car, waving as it took off.
The entire ride to Boston, my heart was racing and I couldn't stop smiling. At a rest stop a long the way I saw a father and his toddler son playing and I couldn't believe that I was that person. I was a father. The phone call told me my son looked like me, but I couldn't imagine what he would actually look like. It was nighttime when I arrived in Boston so I immediately checked into a hotel downtown. That night I dreamed of Joey and our son. She was standing in a park, pushing our son on the swings when she sees me coming toward her. Without a word she walks to me, our baby in her arms and I hold her. I can smell her hair and perfume even in the dream. Just as she is about to kiss me though I wake up, the sound of the alarm ringing in my ears, causing me to groan.
"Come on not even a kiss?" I stammer, hitting the Snooze button and a smile growing on my face.
Later that morning I was walking around downtown, slowly making my way to her apartment. I walk by her street several times, unable to get up the nerve yet to go to her door and knock. For the first time I'm actually afraid of what she might say. While walking down her street for the millionth time, I take a minute to actually look at the park at the end of her block. It's rather large and quaint with slides, swings and playing fields for sports. Several mothers are there, chatting and playing with their kids. Again I'm captivated by that image, imaging my Joey as a mother. Still unable to work up the nerve to go to her apartment, I go to the park and sit on a bench, watching the mothers pushing babies and toddlers in the swings, the sounds of children's laughter filling the noon air.
I sit and watch for a while, noticing the fathers come to join their wives, picking their children up and kissing their little faces. I'm so caught up in the sight that my concentration is only broken by a familiar sound, the sound of Joey's laughter. Her laugh is so distinct that I can pick it out anywhere, even after years apart. My eyes start scanning the park to find her, unsure if I would actually recognize her.
"Okay baby look at mommy, can you give me a smile," I hear her say, spinning my head around to follow her voice. After a few minutes of searching, I see her sitting on a blanket under a tree with a picnic set around her. She looks just a lovely as the last time I saw her and for a minute I just take in the view, how glowing and radiant she looks. I feel my heart race increase as I continue to look at her, nearly giving me heart failure when she picks up the baby resting in the bassinet in front of her, holding him up. I can't see his face but I can see his chubby little legs and his arms dangling from the blanket she has him wrapped in. This is the first glance I had at my son and I can't stop staring at him or his mother. Finally getting the nerve up to walk over to her, I still hear her cooing to our child.
"Come on baby can you say mommy? Mommy.M.O.M.M.Y," she laughs, annunciating every letter in Mommy. I laugh and slowly put on foot in front of the other, getting closer to her. The baby is blocking her view of me walking to her, but it's okay, I would rather surprise her.
"You are the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world, yes you are," she giggles, kissing his stomach and giving him a little shake. I'm about to call something to her when I stop, someone else interrupting her.
"Joey honey he's only a few days old, you can't expect him to say mommy yet," a male voice says with a laugh. Suddenly I freeze in my tracks, wondering if that voice is really talking to the Joey I fear he is. Jumping behind a tree, I pause and work up the courage to look around at her picnic. Sure enough there is a tall man with dark hair and eyes sitting next to Joey, also gazing adoringly at her son.our son.
"John come on you never know, my little boy could be a genius and repeating Shakespeare's sonnets by heart at age four," she laughs, handing him our son as she digs in the basket.
"Genius Joey? Okay maybe but Shakespeare at age four is pushing it a bit," he laughs, balancing the baby in one arm while wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her back to him, causing me to almost vomit right there.
"Okay maybe not, but this boy is going to be such a heartbreaker," Joey says, leaning in to kiss the baby's cheek before doing the worst thing I could imagine, leaning in to kiss the mystery man. I want to look away but I can't. After a quick kiss she pulls away but he leans in again and they kiss deeply, still holding the baby in his arms. I can't look away and I can't seem to say anything at that moment. I'm frozen in my shoes, hiding behind the tree.
My mom was right, things really are different. I won't be going home with my Joey and my son. She's moved on, she's found someone else, someone who cares for her and the baby and won't leave her and tell her she was a mistake. At that moment I hate myself more than before for what I did. I've lost her all over again. I lost her to Pacey, twice, and I lost her to Christopher when they married, but now I've lost her again, yet this time it feels worse than before. Maybe it's because she has our child and we actually have a chance to really be together, between the baby and both of us being divorced, or maybe it's because this is really the ending we're supposed to have.
I'm spared a long passionate kiss between them and continue to watch for a few minutes, even catching a glimpse at my son's face. I'm still tempted to go over and talk with her but I know I can't now. I've hurt her for the last time and for me to waltz back in her life now and disrupt everything wouldn't be fair. I pushed her away and she moved on. She looks so beautiful and so happy, how can I ruin that? So as painful as it was, I made a choice.I chose to walk away, to let her be happy. She doesn't deserve me.she didn't deserve everything I did to her that night at the Plaza and all the hurt she ensured afterward. Leaving her and our son alone now, with this guy or anyone else who will treat her right is the best thing I can do. Closing my eyes to say a private goodbye, I take one last look at her and then walk away, tempted to look back, but I don't. I leave the park and Boston that day and don't return again for four years.