It's been four years since I last physically laid eyes on Joey or the baby.
At times the years went by quickly as I occupied my time and thoughts away
from them, but then there were the times when it dragged on and I felt like
every minute was an hour. I still think about them, I still dream about
them and wonder what might have been if I had not been so stupid years ago.
I'm thirty-four now and I would like think I've become a different person,
but not necessarily for the better. After leaving the park that day in
Boston, I didn't go home to Capeside. I went back to New York, packed a
few things and just left, needing to be as far away from the East Coast and
any reminder of Joey that I had. If I was going to walk away, and really
walk away this time, I couldn't be within driving distance to her because I
would crack and go see her. So to toughen my resolve I moved to Sausalito,
California and bought a small house near the water. It was nice and quiet,
removed from busy life and a big city. I had no interest in visiting LA
and my remaining work friends there so I spent my time at my house, working
in the garden and in the yard, fixing up the house to make it as homey as
possible. I even went and bought a small boat and spent hours during the
day fishing and riding in the water. Years ago I made sure I was always
well dressed and clean shaven but that faded away too and soon I stopped
caring about how I looked because I rarely saw people anyway. I grew a
some facial hair and let my hair grow a bit long again. My clothes were
dirty at times and clean at others, my wardrobe mostly consisting of T-
shirts, cargo shorts and sandals. Sometimes I would laugh because Joey
would kill me if she saw how I looked, all haggard and grizzled.
The few times I did wander into town for food and other necessities, I would grab a copy of the paper to keep in touch with the rest of the world. My mother and I spoke still on occasion but I think she knew I just needed to deal with this stuff on my own. She knew about John, or whatever the guys name was that I saw with Joey. She did warn me before I left, but I naively thought I could just saunter back in and get her back. A few months ago I saw an article in the LA Times and the Boston Globe about Joey, apparently she wrote a series of children's books after our son was born and became quite well known and famous. Her books were a huge success and she often went on books tours across the country to promote them. Last year she came to California and I went to her reading, standing hidden in the back, my cap and longer hair disguising me. She still looked as lovely I remembered her. She was well dressed, in a designer outfit and diamond earring adorned her ears. No matter what she was dressed up in though, I could still see the Joey I knew from childhood, I could still see her heart, mind and soul, even though we haven't spoken in a long time.
Being so secluded gave me a lot of time to think. I thought about my mom and Lily, especially Lily because I was missing so much of her life. I bet she thinks I had a nervous breakdown or something and is living in seclusion somewhere in California, well that's partially correct. I still sent Christmas and birthday gifts but I couldn't go back there, not with the chance of seeing Joey and my son, especially if that guy was still around. Outside of my family though, I thought a lot about Joey. Sometimes when I closed my eyes while fishing or working around the house, I would hear her voice, yelling or teasing me about something. And every time I heard it, I always turned around to see if she was really there, but she wasn't. I still dreamed about her, about us living together, laughing and loving one another like we used to. That dream still hurts to have almost every night, but the ache turned to more of a constant dull pain, something that is always there but you don't really feel anymore. So that was my life, until something came in the mail one day, without a return address, and changed my life completely. Inside the plain white envelope was a clipping from a newspaper. No note was attached so I just opened up the clipping.
Author announces engagement to long-time love
Famous children's book author Josephine Potter announced her engagement to long-time boyfriend John Matthews Friday at her reading in Boston's popular "Book Time" store. Potter, the author of the "Mitch in the City" series, which features a small mouse making his way through New York City, said the wedding will happen sooner than later.
"John and I have been together for a long time now and we don't want to wait to get married," she said, proudly holding her son Mitchell, who Potter has said was the idea for her books.
Potter and Matthews, a Boston public school teacher, met years ago and have been frequent public figures in the Boston education and arts scene. Both are active in charity organizations and have fought for better public school funding. Potter remains mum on an actual wedding date, but said plans are already under way. When asked how her sons father felt about her remarriage, Potter remained tight-lipped and excused herself quickly.
That was all that the clipping said. Joey was getting married again, presumably to the same man I saw her with in the park years ago. I shouldn't care because I pushed her away and chose to leave her and my son, but reading that she was remarrying made something stir inside of me. Unfolding another part of the article, I see a sharp picture of Joey holding our son, smiling and holding a copy of her book. The mysterious caller years ago was right, the child she held in her arms did look a lot like me. Actually it was like looking at my childhood pictures, which brought a comforting smile to my face. Running my finger over the picture a few times, losing myself in the thoughts I had of Joey and our child, I barely heard a voice that tried to break though my conscience.
"Dawson? Dawson hello?" the voice said, causing me to finally snap out of my daydream, almost taken aback that someone found me out here. I didn't really have visitors.
"Pacey, oh my god is that you?" I gasp, blinking my eyes to focus on the person in front of me.
"Yeah man, how's it going?" he asks, nervously taking his hands out of his pockets.
"How did you-" I start, slipping the clipping in my cargo pocket. "Your mom told me where you lived, I thought I should accompany that article you just read," he said, moving a bit closer to me.
"You sent this?" I ask, moving closer to him as well.
"Your mom did, she saw it when she went into Boston last week and thought you should see it," he said, the tension breaking a bit between us. "I just came along because I was hoping I could convince you to come back with me."
"I can't go back Pacey, I promised myself a long time ago that I would leave her alone, let her be happy," I laugh, turning to walk back to the house.
"And what about you Dawson, are you happy?" he asks causing me to stop in my tracks. "Are you happy here in isolation, left alone with your thoughts and regrets and memories of your soul mate and your son?"
"You don't know what happened Pacey, I couldn't just waltz back into her life after what I did when she told me about the baby," I say, trying to keep an even tone in my voice. "Besides the last time I saw her, she and her now future husband were more than happy together."
"Look Dawson if there's one thing I've learned by living through the Dawson and Joey saga, it's that no matter what seems to happen, you guys need each other, you're each other's air and without one another you just suffer," he says.
"Haven't I made her suffer enough Pacey?" I ask, turning to face him again. "When is enough.just enough?"
"You tell me Dawson, you're the dreamer, the idealist," he smiles, moving closer again. "Do you love her?"
"Of course I do, everything I did, leaving all those years ago was because I loved her.I just couldn't give her what she wanted," I say, hanging my head.
"What do you think she really wanted?" Pacey asks, shuffling his feet.
"Me, she wanted me to leave Sarah, back when we were still married, but I wouldn't do it," I say bitterly. "I was too afraid to be with her, afraid she would just hurt me again."
"Are you still afraid to be with her?" he asks, causing me to really stop and think. For years guilt clouded every emotion that he had.
"What I feel doesn't matter anymore Pacey, you saw the clipping, she's getting married, she hates me and wouldn't speak to me anyhow," I say angrily.
"I think you might be wrong on some of that Dawson," Pacey says with an evil smile, causing a flutter of hope to grow in my chest. "I have something for you, something I think you should see. She's getting married in a few days Dawson and there's still time to stop it, to tell her what happened and how you feel. You've both lost so much time together already, if you watch this and feel nothing then let her go for good, otherwise there's a plane ticket included with this to Boston leaving tomorrow. Go, see her and tell her how you feel and get her back. I have it on good authority that with the right reason, she would leave John."
My head is spinning as he finishes his impassioned plea, watching him lay a video tape down on the ground between us, the olive branch, and then leave with a smile and half wave. I stare at that tape for a long time, wondering what I should to with it, curious as to what could possibly be on there. After a few minutes of deliberation though, I pick it up and hurry into the house to watch its contents. Slipping the tape into the VCR and settling on my chair, I can't help but gasp as home movies of Joey appear on the screen. They're home movies of her pregnancy that Pacey pieced together. Clips of the ultrasound, the image of my child on the screen, his little heart beating then in her womb, clips of her in labor, looking relieved and exhausted as she held our child in her arms. Clips show up on the screen of Joey taking our blonde haired child out on Halloween and singing to him softly at night, rocking away in an antique chair. I don't know who took the footage, but it's quite candid, catching moments I don't think Joey knew were caught. There are quick pictures of our son in a nursery school pageant, looking so proud and handsome in his costume. Pictures of Joey with the baby and even images of Bessie, Pacey, Jack and Amy come on the screen. I don't know how long the video was because I couldn't seem to focus on anything but the screen. The final image on that tape was Joey again rocking our child to sleep, singing Daydream Believer to him while stroking his back. I'm about to hit stop when she stops singing, but something holds me back. I barely even hear her whisper something to him the first time I watched it.
"Mommy loves you Mitch.your daddy does too," she whispers, tears starting in her eyes. "I still love your daddy and maybe one day he'll get to come see us and see that we're not a mistake."
Her words are like a knife being stabbed in my chest. She still loved me and wanted me to be there. The thought of this makes my heart race and head pound, but along with that love came the realization that she felt I considered her and Mitch, my son a mistake. Pausing the tape on that image of Joey and my child, Pacey's pleas ring in my head. Was he right? Would Joey leave this guy if I came back to stop the wedding? Remembering back to Joey's wedding to Christopher, the images of her giving me every chance to stop it come to my head. She wanted me to stop her and I didn't because I was afraid. Pulling the clipping out of my pocket, looking again at the picture of Joey and our son, the fear and guilt suddenly began to fade, causing me to smile, to really smile for the first time in months or years. I look back at the tape cover and see the plane ticket to Boston, set to leave tomorrow morning. This is it. This is the moment where I have to really decide what I want to do. I can go back tomorrow and try to win her back or I can let her go completely and live like this for the rest of my life, knowing I could never love another person as much as I love her. Without thinking I run out of my front door, wondering if Pacey is still there, only to stop immediately and smile at the sight of him sitting on the hood of his rental car in my front lawn.
"Somehow I knew you would make the right choice Dawson," he laughs, throwing the grass clippings in his hands away. "Now let's get you packed and cleaned up a bit because I know Joey won't like this whole grizzled appearance you have going."
The few times I did wander into town for food and other necessities, I would grab a copy of the paper to keep in touch with the rest of the world. My mother and I spoke still on occasion but I think she knew I just needed to deal with this stuff on my own. She knew about John, or whatever the guys name was that I saw with Joey. She did warn me before I left, but I naively thought I could just saunter back in and get her back. A few months ago I saw an article in the LA Times and the Boston Globe about Joey, apparently she wrote a series of children's books after our son was born and became quite well known and famous. Her books were a huge success and she often went on books tours across the country to promote them. Last year she came to California and I went to her reading, standing hidden in the back, my cap and longer hair disguising me. She still looked as lovely I remembered her. She was well dressed, in a designer outfit and diamond earring adorned her ears. No matter what she was dressed up in though, I could still see the Joey I knew from childhood, I could still see her heart, mind and soul, even though we haven't spoken in a long time.
Being so secluded gave me a lot of time to think. I thought about my mom and Lily, especially Lily because I was missing so much of her life. I bet she thinks I had a nervous breakdown or something and is living in seclusion somewhere in California, well that's partially correct. I still sent Christmas and birthday gifts but I couldn't go back there, not with the chance of seeing Joey and my son, especially if that guy was still around. Outside of my family though, I thought a lot about Joey. Sometimes when I closed my eyes while fishing or working around the house, I would hear her voice, yelling or teasing me about something. And every time I heard it, I always turned around to see if she was really there, but she wasn't. I still dreamed about her, about us living together, laughing and loving one another like we used to. That dream still hurts to have almost every night, but the ache turned to more of a constant dull pain, something that is always there but you don't really feel anymore. So that was my life, until something came in the mail one day, without a return address, and changed my life completely. Inside the plain white envelope was a clipping from a newspaper. No note was attached so I just opened up the clipping.
Author announces engagement to long-time love
Famous children's book author Josephine Potter announced her engagement to long-time boyfriend John Matthews Friday at her reading in Boston's popular "Book Time" store. Potter, the author of the "Mitch in the City" series, which features a small mouse making his way through New York City, said the wedding will happen sooner than later.
"John and I have been together for a long time now and we don't want to wait to get married," she said, proudly holding her son Mitchell, who Potter has said was the idea for her books.
Potter and Matthews, a Boston public school teacher, met years ago and have been frequent public figures in the Boston education and arts scene. Both are active in charity organizations and have fought for better public school funding. Potter remains mum on an actual wedding date, but said plans are already under way. When asked how her sons father felt about her remarriage, Potter remained tight-lipped and excused herself quickly.
That was all that the clipping said. Joey was getting married again, presumably to the same man I saw her with in the park years ago. I shouldn't care because I pushed her away and chose to leave her and my son, but reading that she was remarrying made something stir inside of me. Unfolding another part of the article, I see a sharp picture of Joey holding our son, smiling and holding a copy of her book. The mysterious caller years ago was right, the child she held in her arms did look a lot like me. Actually it was like looking at my childhood pictures, which brought a comforting smile to my face. Running my finger over the picture a few times, losing myself in the thoughts I had of Joey and our child, I barely heard a voice that tried to break though my conscience.
"Dawson? Dawson hello?" the voice said, causing me to finally snap out of my daydream, almost taken aback that someone found me out here. I didn't really have visitors.
"Pacey, oh my god is that you?" I gasp, blinking my eyes to focus on the person in front of me.
"Yeah man, how's it going?" he asks, nervously taking his hands out of his pockets.
"How did you-" I start, slipping the clipping in my cargo pocket. "Your mom told me where you lived, I thought I should accompany that article you just read," he said, moving a bit closer to me.
"You sent this?" I ask, moving closer to him as well.
"Your mom did, she saw it when she went into Boston last week and thought you should see it," he said, the tension breaking a bit between us. "I just came along because I was hoping I could convince you to come back with me."
"I can't go back Pacey, I promised myself a long time ago that I would leave her alone, let her be happy," I laugh, turning to walk back to the house.
"And what about you Dawson, are you happy?" he asks causing me to stop in my tracks. "Are you happy here in isolation, left alone with your thoughts and regrets and memories of your soul mate and your son?"
"You don't know what happened Pacey, I couldn't just waltz back into her life after what I did when she told me about the baby," I say, trying to keep an even tone in my voice. "Besides the last time I saw her, she and her now future husband were more than happy together."
"Look Dawson if there's one thing I've learned by living through the Dawson and Joey saga, it's that no matter what seems to happen, you guys need each other, you're each other's air and without one another you just suffer," he says.
"Haven't I made her suffer enough Pacey?" I ask, turning to face him again. "When is enough.just enough?"
"You tell me Dawson, you're the dreamer, the idealist," he smiles, moving closer again. "Do you love her?"
"Of course I do, everything I did, leaving all those years ago was because I loved her.I just couldn't give her what she wanted," I say, hanging my head.
"What do you think she really wanted?" Pacey asks, shuffling his feet.
"Me, she wanted me to leave Sarah, back when we were still married, but I wouldn't do it," I say bitterly. "I was too afraid to be with her, afraid she would just hurt me again."
"Are you still afraid to be with her?" he asks, causing me to really stop and think. For years guilt clouded every emotion that he had.
"What I feel doesn't matter anymore Pacey, you saw the clipping, she's getting married, she hates me and wouldn't speak to me anyhow," I say angrily.
"I think you might be wrong on some of that Dawson," Pacey says with an evil smile, causing a flutter of hope to grow in my chest. "I have something for you, something I think you should see. She's getting married in a few days Dawson and there's still time to stop it, to tell her what happened and how you feel. You've both lost so much time together already, if you watch this and feel nothing then let her go for good, otherwise there's a plane ticket included with this to Boston leaving tomorrow. Go, see her and tell her how you feel and get her back. I have it on good authority that with the right reason, she would leave John."
My head is spinning as he finishes his impassioned plea, watching him lay a video tape down on the ground between us, the olive branch, and then leave with a smile and half wave. I stare at that tape for a long time, wondering what I should to with it, curious as to what could possibly be on there. After a few minutes of deliberation though, I pick it up and hurry into the house to watch its contents. Slipping the tape into the VCR and settling on my chair, I can't help but gasp as home movies of Joey appear on the screen. They're home movies of her pregnancy that Pacey pieced together. Clips of the ultrasound, the image of my child on the screen, his little heart beating then in her womb, clips of her in labor, looking relieved and exhausted as she held our child in her arms. Clips show up on the screen of Joey taking our blonde haired child out on Halloween and singing to him softly at night, rocking away in an antique chair. I don't know who took the footage, but it's quite candid, catching moments I don't think Joey knew were caught. There are quick pictures of our son in a nursery school pageant, looking so proud and handsome in his costume. Pictures of Joey with the baby and even images of Bessie, Pacey, Jack and Amy come on the screen. I don't know how long the video was because I couldn't seem to focus on anything but the screen. The final image on that tape was Joey again rocking our child to sleep, singing Daydream Believer to him while stroking his back. I'm about to hit stop when she stops singing, but something holds me back. I barely even hear her whisper something to him the first time I watched it.
"Mommy loves you Mitch.your daddy does too," she whispers, tears starting in her eyes. "I still love your daddy and maybe one day he'll get to come see us and see that we're not a mistake."
Her words are like a knife being stabbed in my chest. She still loved me and wanted me to be there. The thought of this makes my heart race and head pound, but along with that love came the realization that she felt I considered her and Mitch, my son a mistake. Pausing the tape on that image of Joey and my child, Pacey's pleas ring in my head. Was he right? Would Joey leave this guy if I came back to stop the wedding? Remembering back to Joey's wedding to Christopher, the images of her giving me every chance to stop it come to my head. She wanted me to stop her and I didn't because I was afraid. Pulling the clipping out of my pocket, looking again at the picture of Joey and our son, the fear and guilt suddenly began to fade, causing me to smile, to really smile for the first time in months or years. I look back at the tape cover and see the plane ticket to Boston, set to leave tomorrow morning. This is it. This is the moment where I have to really decide what I want to do. I can go back tomorrow and try to win her back or I can let her go completely and live like this for the rest of my life, knowing I could never love another person as much as I love her. Without thinking I run out of my front door, wondering if Pacey is still there, only to stop immediately and smile at the sight of him sitting on the hood of his rental car in my front lawn.
"Somehow I knew you would make the right choice Dawson," he laughs, throwing the grass clippings in his hands away. "Now let's get you packed and cleaned up a bit because I know Joey won't like this whole grizzled appearance you have going."