My heart is racing as I get out of a cab with Pacey in Boston the next day.
All night I could barely sleep, trying to come up with a script or game
plan about what I say when I see her, how I can make her believe I still
love her and want her. Pacey is talking on the phone, laughing and
throwing occasional glances in my direction, shaking his head when he
notices me wringing my hands. The street is very familiar where we stop.
It's Joey's street. I remember almost everything from that fateful day
four years ago when I turned and left. The park is still there, still full
of children and parents playing. Staring up at the townhouse in front of
me, my thoughts are broken by Pacey's voice yet again.
"Dawson, my accomplice just called and said that Joey won't be back for an hour or so, why don't you go make yourself comfortable in the park?" Pacey says, giving me a funny grin. Something's up but I'm too nervous to do anything else but agree.
"Okay, are you coming?" I ask, noticing him grabbing our bags and shifting them around in the trunk.
"Ah no I'll get us settled in the hotel, here is the name and address of it in case we get separated," he says hurriedly, getting back in the cab, throwing me a piece of paper before the car disappears. Without thinking I turn and walk back to the park, the memories of my last visit becoming fresh again in my mind. As hard as it is though I try not to focus on them and rather think about the time Joey and I spent together during that year before she got pregnant. I focus on her laugh and smile. I focus on the way she felt resting her head in my chest and the look in her eyes as she brushed hair away from my face, looking me right in the eyes after we made love.
Rather than sit near the picnic area, I focus on the playground, getting myself mentally prepared for the fact that I have a four-year old son. Sitting on a bench near the jungle-gym and swings, my eyes scan over every child, wondering if they look more like their mother or father. For a minute I see a little girl, around three years old who looks a lot like Joey with deep brown hair and big eyes. My chest tightens, wondering if she could have had another child in my absence, but soften when I realize Pacey would have told me if she did. Scanning over the other children, I notice the back of one child, around four years old, laughing and calling for his mother.
"Mommy look at me, mommy look!" he cries, trying to get his mother's attention. I look around as well for his mother, wondering when she'll appear and appease her impatient child. The child stands proudly at the top of the slide, probably showing his mother that he can make it to the bottom on his own. Finally the woman appears, but I can only see her back. Her long brown hair is tied nicely into a ponytail and she has her arms wrapped around her in the cool wind. Without saying anything she nods and beckons for her child to join her on the ground. With a giggle, the child finally turns around and locates her, causing my breath to leave my body. Standing in the sunlight, the wind gently rusting his hair is the four year old version of myself, complete with blue eyes and short, spiky blonde hair.
"Okay Mitch I'm waiting," Joey laughs, holding her arms out for him to run into at the bottom of the slide.
"Turn around, turn around," I mutter so I can see a glimpse of my Joey, my Joey holding our son. With a squeal Mitch flies down the slide and runs into Joey's arms, laughing as she swings him around a few times. As much I want to hide and confront her later, that opportunity is lost as I cannot move from my chair. Still unable to see me, I see a worried look come on her face, holding Mitch's hand as she looks around, as if she knows someone is watching her. It's the weird emotional bond we share, without seeing one another, we know if we're in close proximity to one another. Looking around for a minute, she finally turns and stops, settling her eyes on me, frozen on the bench. Leaning down to Mitch, she whispers something to him and he dashes off to join a friend and another mother, who is looking curiously at Joey. The next few minutes are a bit hazy as I feel everything go into slow motion around me.
"Hello Dawson," a voice says softly, causing me to again leave my daydream and focus on Joey Potter, standing in front of me, looking as beautiful as the first day I saw her at the corner of Houston Street so many years ago.
"Joey."I start, suddenly finding words difficult. "You look..beautiful."
"What are you doing here?" she asks, fidgeting with her fingers and hem of her jacket, choosing to ignore my compliment.
"I came.I saw the article about your engagement and I thought." I start, still having trouble formulating a sentence. "I missed you."
"I somehow doubt that Dawson," she says with a half smile.
"It's true," I answer too quickly, causing her to look up at me and sit down beside me on the bench. I can smell her perfume.
"How have you been?" she asks, turning to look at me again.
"Fine.I'm out in California again.just doing my Hemingway old man and the sea thing," I say, seeing her chuckle a bit.
"Hemingway eh? Interesting choice," she says, still fidgeting. "No more television or movies?"
"No," I say simply, looking at my lap. "I lost my focus, nothing really mattered after.after."
"I know," she says, choking up a bit.
"You look great Joey, I've read your books.they're great, I always knew you could be a writer," I say, hoping to stir something in her.
"I'm a children's writer Dawson, it's not exactly War and Peace," she says with a snort, twirling a piece of her hair.
"You're amazing.I mean the books, they are," I say, mentally kicking myself.
"How's Sarah? Is she glad to be back in California?" Joey asks, as if she's bringing it up to remind herself of what life was like before.
"We're divorced," I say, watching her head snap up a bit. "She left me not long after.she met someone else.left me for another man."
"I'm sorry," she says with a hint of happiness in her voice.
"I'm not, I didn't love her.I should have left years before," I say, catching her glance, getting lost yet again in those eyes, who are looking at me with a confused and scared look. She nods a bit, smoothing her hand over her jeans.
"I've missed you Joey.so much," I start, unconsciously reaching for her hand and stroking it a bit with my thumb. I feel her body shake a bit but then relax. We sit there for several minutes in silence, just sitting lightly holding hands.
"I missed you too Dawson.but it won't make things better, it won't fix what happened," she says suddenly and quickly, pulling her hand away and wrapping her arms around herself. "I have to go."
"Joey wait, look I know you're busy with the wedding, but I would like to sit and talk with you more.maybe see Mitch, talk with him," I ask, trying not to sound like I'm begging.
"We'll see Dawson.I.I just can't do this now, goodbye," she says and turns to leave, breaking into a slow jog as she runs back to Mitch, his friend and the friend's mother, grabbing our son's hand and dragging him out of the park and out of my sight.
From the look on Pacey's face when I came back to the hotel, I knew it was a set up, the whole "go take a walk in the park" bullshit he fed me earlier. He could see I was reeling from the encounter so he tried to perk me up, saying I had to just lay the groundwork for the rest of the "master plan." He rattled on that there were several pre-wedding events that I would accompany him to, taking advantage of trying to see Joey, talk with her more, or figure out myself what I had to do to get her back. Sitting in Pacey's car, driving over to a local restaurant for drinks, I can't help but finally verbalize the latest thought in my head.
"Why are you doing this Pacey, why are you helping me?" I ask. He pauses for a minute, thinking of the best answer.
"Because it's time this whole soap opera ended.because I saw the way things were when you were together at Christmas in Capeside, while you were cheating," Pacey says softly, still choosing his words. "Because I couldn't make her happy, not for good, but you can and she deserves that."
"Thank you," I say softly, reeling a bit from the past 24 hours and the way my former best friend has come back to help me.
"No problem Dawson," he smiled, putting his car in park. We're here. "Besides someone had to do it for you because the two of you.you're giving Jack, Audrey and me gray hairs and we're much to young for that."
The Harwood Bar is a quaint place in the middle of South Boston. With it's hardwood floors and bar, it's place you can't get lost in, but find yourself surrounded by a little bit of everyone. Walls are bookshelves, stuffed with leather bound copies of everything from Shakespeare to Flaubert. It's not a sports bar or a college hangout. It's very privileged and elite, somewhere the intellectuals and wealthy go to mingle. Tonight it's closed for a private party, Joey and John's party, and the only people attending are those invited to the wedding, minus me. I stay off to the sides, taking in the whole experience. It's by far the nicest establishment I've visited since I moved to California again. Pacey is talking to mutual friends he has with Joey and John while I look at the books on the wall, using that as an front while I really stare at Joey all night. She's painfully beautiful in a black suit dress that exposes her arms and her dark skin. She didn't know I was there at first, but the moment our eyes met again, she managed a smile before quickly looking away.
That's how most of the night went, her mingling, me following her every move with my eyes. At one point she was close enough to touch and I didn't have to move to see the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Later that night while I was in the bathroom she left, leaving me feeling a bit dejected, but Pacey with his mischievous wink calmed those fears. The next two days went the same way, go with Pacey to the events, watch Joey squirm once she saw I was there, getting quiet and looking as uncomfortable as possible. I watched innocently as John pulled her away at one point, most likely asking her what the hell was going on. I don't know if John knows who I am or my relationship with Joey, but I can see my presence is doing something.
During those days leading up to the wedding, Joey and I didn't have a chance to really sit down and talk more. Mitch was not at all the events so the closest I could get to my son was when he wandered away from Bessie and looked at me, waving with a smile, Joey's smile. Words can't really express how that felt, having my son look me in the eyes and smile, but I could feel the connection with him that I've felt with his mother every day since we were children. The day of the rehearsal dinner was ironically overcast and somewhat gloomy. Pacey was trying to cheer me up all day, telling me that my being at the events were working and that Joey and John had been arguing the last few days.
"It's just pre-wedding stress," I mutter, tying my tie.
"No it's not Dawson, trust me," he said, giving me a pat on the back.
When we arrived at Elliot's restaurant there was a decent crowd mingling around the dining area, waiting to take their seats. Joey and John were holding hands, welcoming guests. As Pacey and I made our way through the crowd, the look on Joey and John's face when they saw us was not exactly welcoming.
"Dawson, Pacey good to see you again," John said with a fake smile. Joey shifted nervously and wiped her forehead, taking a deep breath.
"You too guys, Potter you look good," Pacey said, kissing Joey on the cheek.
"Thanks," she muttered, trying to be civil. She meets my glance that may have only lasted a minute, but felt like an hour.
"Dawson can I speak with you for a minute," John asks, noticing the look between us. I nod and he takes me aside, away from the rest of the crowd. "Dawson I hope you know that as one of Joey's oldest friends, we're glad you've taken part in some of the previous activities leading up to the wedding, but the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself is for invited guests only. I'm sorry but since you didn't receive a formal invitation I have to ask you to leave."
I want to laugh right now because John, who actually does seem to be a stand-up guy, is trying to be tactful. I think I would respect him more if he told me what he was actually thinking, that he noticed the change in Joey's demeanor and is nervous with me being there. I don't know if he knows everything about us but I can guarantee I could tell him things about Joey that would blow his mind.
"John I completely understand what you're saying and I realize my appearance here came as a surprise," I start sweetly, trying to kill him with kindness. "But I'm Pacey's guest to the wedding, he did respond that he was taking a guest right? So I'm not leaving." John takes a few deep breaths, taking in what I'm saying to him but I don't wait around for more. Pacey is waiting for me back in the dining area and casually shows me Joey at the bar throwing back several glasses of wine, lost in thought.
"Be careful man, this could go either way," Pacey warns with a worried look on his face. I nod and watch her sigh deeply before grabbing yet another glass on wine and re-join John, who also doesn't look too happy.
I'm staring at Joey again because she's wearing the dress I bought her for her birthday while we were together. It's pale blue and falls to her knee with a V-neck front. Without closing my eyes I can remember how beautiful she looked in it, trying it on immediately after I gave it to her. I told her how lovely she looked and she just smiled, kissing my passionately on the mouth and causing us to miss our dinner reservations, opting to re-live her 19th birthday and feed each other room service and cake later on. I snap out of my daydream for a minute to realize I'm still staring at her and she's staring back at me from across the room. But this time she doesn't look nervous or fidgety, she looks pissed.
I try to give her a friendly smile and wave, but instead of returning that gesture, she is making her way through the crowd, heading right toward me.
"I need to speak to you.now," she snaps, grabbing my arm and dragging me through the back of the restaurant and into the alley. Once we're outside, she drops my hand like a hot potato and begins pacing back and forth with her hands across her chest. "What the hell are you doing Dawson?"
"Joey I'm just here enjoying your rehearsal dinner..." I start, wondering what could possibly happen next.
"That's bullshit," she screams, catching herself and me off guard by the tone of her voice. "What are you doing here? Why are you here in Boston after no contact for almost five years? And don't tell me it's because you missed me or you 'love' me."
"It's true Joey," I say, moving closer to her, knowing this is going to come out in an alley of a restaurant.
"No it's not Dawson," she says angrily, her voice rising again. "If you loved me, if you loved your child and really missed us, you would have come back, you wouldn't have walked out of the Plaza hotel after I tell you that our love, what we felt for one another made our son!"
"Joey walking out of that hotel room that night, leaving you there was the biggest mistake I've made," I say seriously, noticing her snort in disgust. "I'm serious okay, I never should have left you there and I should have found you the next day and told you everything I was thinking.but I was afraid."
"Afraid of what Dawson, what was so scary that we couldn't have fixed it together, that you had to tell me you didn't love me anymore and that our relationship was a fling that meant nothing," she said, screaming again by the end of her sentence. "Did you just get involved with me again to hurt me, to make me pay for hurting you years before because I thought we were passed that."
"No Joey I never, ever wanted to hurt you and this wasn't a revenge thing at all," I say, trying to catch her arm. "I was with you because I wanted to be, because I wanted to focus on us on what we have."
"So why did you do it, what were you so scared of?" she asks, still upset.
"I left because I wasn't sure if I could leave Sarah," I say, knowing that she has to be told this, but fearing her reaction. "I was afraid you would leave and hurt me again so I thought staying with Sarah was the easiest thing to do at that time."
"Are you kidding me?" she screamed again, noticing a few people staring at us from the street. "I cheated on my husband for a year with you, willingly because I loved you because I wanted us to be together. All you had to do was tell me you wanted to be with me all the time and I would have left Christopher immediately without any thought."
"I know, I know that now but at the time it was just too much to handle and I panicked Joey, but I've lived to regret it, trust me," I say pleadingly.
"I hope so because you don't deserve to know your son for what you've done," she says bitterly, looking at me with the coldest stare. "When he asked me about his father, what was I supposed to tell him? Tell him that his father is a self-centered bastard that used me and then threw me away when we should have become closer?"
"Joey, come on," I stammer, her words cutting through me like a knife. "I know I hurt you and I want nothing more than to make up for that, for you to believe me again and know that I want you and love you more than ever."
"You don't love anyone Dawson, outside of Gail and Lily," she says coldly, tears starting in her eyes.
"No that's bull and you know it," I say, finally getting angry myself. "You know how I feel about you, you know how much I love you. You know because I can still make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, you wear the dress I bought you to your wedding rehearsal and you look at me and still have love in your eyes. When you look back at that year together, you can't really think that I didn't love you and that I would go through all this again because I don't love you."
"Why didn't you come back sooner?" she asks, calming down a bit.
"I did," I say, looking away for a bit. "I came to Boston not long after you gave birth because I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for hurting you, for making you do all this alone. I wanted to tell you that I loved you still and that I would do anything to have you come back to me forever."
"So what happened because I never saw you," she says, moving closer to me finally.
"I saw you with Mitch in the park by your place and I watched you for awhile, taken back by how natural it looked, you with our child and how beautiful you looked no matter what happened in the past few months," I start, unconsciously moving closer too. "But then as I was about to approach you John sat down.I saw you two kiss and I just felt like you were gone.that I finally ruined things with us for good."
"So you left," she says simply.
"Yes and leaving you, knowing you were better off without me, that I would only cause you more hurt and heartache just about killed me because I loved you that much," I whisper, reaching out for her. "But you've never been out of my thoughts Jo. I've dreamt about you and our son this entire time and I knew I had to come back to see if there was any hope for us before it was too late."
"So what do you want from me?" she asks, looking at the ground.
"I want you to call off the wedding and marry me," I say, shocked because I actually said it out loud. Her head snaps up and stares at me in shock for a minute, digesting what I've just told her.
"Dawson.I don't know.it's been so long and I don't know if I can really trust you." she says, cut off only because I've truly lost my mind and pulled her in my arms, kissing her so hard it hurts. She tenses for a minute, almost fighting me, but soon she relaxes and gives in, letting me kiss away the hurt and anger and fear, letting me try to tell her this way how much I truly love her. We stay this way for a while, I think, time sort of started to pass by slowly while we were together. I missed this feeling, her running her hands through my hair, holding me tightly against her.more memories flood my mind.
When we finally pull apart, mostly because I can't breathe, her eyes are glassy and clouded over. Holding her hand tightly, I rub her hand with my thumb, waiting anxiously for her to say something.
"Dawson.I have.I have to go," she says quickly, dropping her hand from my grasp.
"Joey don't walk away from this.please," I say, dumbfounded that she's leaving it this way.
"Dawson I don't know what to think right now or what to feel," she stammers, smoothing down her hair.
"But Joey we kissed.I know you felt something," I stutter, trying to think of something to make her stay.
"Dawson one kiss doesn't prove you really want me back, that you're ready for this or to really commit to me and my son," she says, turning to leave.
"So what can I do to prove to you that I love you, what do you want me to do?" I beg, hoping she won't leave.
"Take action Dawson, that will speak louder than anything else right now.after everything that's happened," she says, shutting the door softly behind her.
"Dawson, my accomplice just called and said that Joey won't be back for an hour or so, why don't you go make yourself comfortable in the park?" Pacey says, giving me a funny grin. Something's up but I'm too nervous to do anything else but agree.
"Okay, are you coming?" I ask, noticing him grabbing our bags and shifting them around in the trunk.
"Ah no I'll get us settled in the hotel, here is the name and address of it in case we get separated," he says hurriedly, getting back in the cab, throwing me a piece of paper before the car disappears. Without thinking I turn and walk back to the park, the memories of my last visit becoming fresh again in my mind. As hard as it is though I try not to focus on them and rather think about the time Joey and I spent together during that year before she got pregnant. I focus on her laugh and smile. I focus on the way she felt resting her head in my chest and the look in her eyes as she brushed hair away from my face, looking me right in the eyes after we made love.
Rather than sit near the picnic area, I focus on the playground, getting myself mentally prepared for the fact that I have a four-year old son. Sitting on a bench near the jungle-gym and swings, my eyes scan over every child, wondering if they look more like their mother or father. For a minute I see a little girl, around three years old who looks a lot like Joey with deep brown hair and big eyes. My chest tightens, wondering if she could have had another child in my absence, but soften when I realize Pacey would have told me if she did. Scanning over the other children, I notice the back of one child, around four years old, laughing and calling for his mother.
"Mommy look at me, mommy look!" he cries, trying to get his mother's attention. I look around as well for his mother, wondering when she'll appear and appease her impatient child. The child stands proudly at the top of the slide, probably showing his mother that he can make it to the bottom on his own. Finally the woman appears, but I can only see her back. Her long brown hair is tied nicely into a ponytail and she has her arms wrapped around her in the cool wind. Without saying anything she nods and beckons for her child to join her on the ground. With a giggle, the child finally turns around and locates her, causing my breath to leave my body. Standing in the sunlight, the wind gently rusting his hair is the four year old version of myself, complete with blue eyes and short, spiky blonde hair.
"Okay Mitch I'm waiting," Joey laughs, holding her arms out for him to run into at the bottom of the slide.
"Turn around, turn around," I mutter so I can see a glimpse of my Joey, my Joey holding our son. With a squeal Mitch flies down the slide and runs into Joey's arms, laughing as she swings him around a few times. As much I want to hide and confront her later, that opportunity is lost as I cannot move from my chair. Still unable to see me, I see a worried look come on her face, holding Mitch's hand as she looks around, as if she knows someone is watching her. It's the weird emotional bond we share, without seeing one another, we know if we're in close proximity to one another. Looking around for a minute, she finally turns and stops, settling her eyes on me, frozen on the bench. Leaning down to Mitch, she whispers something to him and he dashes off to join a friend and another mother, who is looking curiously at Joey. The next few minutes are a bit hazy as I feel everything go into slow motion around me.
"Hello Dawson," a voice says softly, causing me to again leave my daydream and focus on Joey Potter, standing in front of me, looking as beautiful as the first day I saw her at the corner of Houston Street so many years ago.
"Joey."I start, suddenly finding words difficult. "You look..beautiful."
"What are you doing here?" she asks, fidgeting with her fingers and hem of her jacket, choosing to ignore my compliment.
"I came.I saw the article about your engagement and I thought." I start, still having trouble formulating a sentence. "I missed you."
"I somehow doubt that Dawson," she says with a half smile.
"It's true," I answer too quickly, causing her to look up at me and sit down beside me on the bench. I can smell her perfume.
"How have you been?" she asks, turning to look at me again.
"Fine.I'm out in California again.just doing my Hemingway old man and the sea thing," I say, seeing her chuckle a bit.
"Hemingway eh? Interesting choice," she says, still fidgeting. "No more television or movies?"
"No," I say simply, looking at my lap. "I lost my focus, nothing really mattered after.after."
"I know," she says, choking up a bit.
"You look great Joey, I've read your books.they're great, I always knew you could be a writer," I say, hoping to stir something in her.
"I'm a children's writer Dawson, it's not exactly War and Peace," she says with a snort, twirling a piece of her hair.
"You're amazing.I mean the books, they are," I say, mentally kicking myself.
"How's Sarah? Is she glad to be back in California?" Joey asks, as if she's bringing it up to remind herself of what life was like before.
"We're divorced," I say, watching her head snap up a bit. "She left me not long after.she met someone else.left me for another man."
"I'm sorry," she says with a hint of happiness in her voice.
"I'm not, I didn't love her.I should have left years before," I say, catching her glance, getting lost yet again in those eyes, who are looking at me with a confused and scared look. She nods a bit, smoothing her hand over her jeans.
"I've missed you Joey.so much," I start, unconsciously reaching for her hand and stroking it a bit with my thumb. I feel her body shake a bit but then relax. We sit there for several minutes in silence, just sitting lightly holding hands.
"I missed you too Dawson.but it won't make things better, it won't fix what happened," she says suddenly and quickly, pulling her hand away and wrapping her arms around herself. "I have to go."
"Joey wait, look I know you're busy with the wedding, but I would like to sit and talk with you more.maybe see Mitch, talk with him," I ask, trying not to sound like I'm begging.
"We'll see Dawson.I.I just can't do this now, goodbye," she says and turns to leave, breaking into a slow jog as she runs back to Mitch, his friend and the friend's mother, grabbing our son's hand and dragging him out of the park and out of my sight.
From the look on Pacey's face when I came back to the hotel, I knew it was a set up, the whole "go take a walk in the park" bullshit he fed me earlier. He could see I was reeling from the encounter so he tried to perk me up, saying I had to just lay the groundwork for the rest of the "master plan." He rattled on that there were several pre-wedding events that I would accompany him to, taking advantage of trying to see Joey, talk with her more, or figure out myself what I had to do to get her back. Sitting in Pacey's car, driving over to a local restaurant for drinks, I can't help but finally verbalize the latest thought in my head.
"Why are you doing this Pacey, why are you helping me?" I ask. He pauses for a minute, thinking of the best answer.
"Because it's time this whole soap opera ended.because I saw the way things were when you were together at Christmas in Capeside, while you were cheating," Pacey says softly, still choosing his words. "Because I couldn't make her happy, not for good, but you can and she deserves that."
"Thank you," I say softly, reeling a bit from the past 24 hours and the way my former best friend has come back to help me.
"No problem Dawson," he smiled, putting his car in park. We're here. "Besides someone had to do it for you because the two of you.you're giving Jack, Audrey and me gray hairs and we're much to young for that."
The Harwood Bar is a quaint place in the middle of South Boston. With it's hardwood floors and bar, it's place you can't get lost in, but find yourself surrounded by a little bit of everyone. Walls are bookshelves, stuffed with leather bound copies of everything from Shakespeare to Flaubert. It's not a sports bar or a college hangout. It's very privileged and elite, somewhere the intellectuals and wealthy go to mingle. Tonight it's closed for a private party, Joey and John's party, and the only people attending are those invited to the wedding, minus me. I stay off to the sides, taking in the whole experience. It's by far the nicest establishment I've visited since I moved to California again. Pacey is talking to mutual friends he has with Joey and John while I look at the books on the wall, using that as an front while I really stare at Joey all night. She's painfully beautiful in a black suit dress that exposes her arms and her dark skin. She didn't know I was there at first, but the moment our eyes met again, she managed a smile before quickly looking away.
That's how most of the night went, her mingling, me following her every move with my eyes. At one point she was close enough to touch and I didn't have to move to see the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Later that night while I was in the bathroom she left, leaving me feeling a bit dejected, but Pacey with his mischievous wink calmed those fears. The next two days went the same way, go with Pacey to the events, watch Joey squirm once she saw I was there, getting quiet and looking as uncomfortable as possible. I watched innocently as John pulled her away at one point, most likely asking her what the hell was going on. I don't know if John knows who I am or my relationship with Joey, but I can see my presence is doing something.
During those days leading up to the wedding, Joey and I didn't have a chance to really sit down and talk more. Mitch was not at all the events so the closest I could get to my son was when he wandered away from Bessie and looked at me, waving with a smile, Joey's smile. Words can't really express how that felt, having my son look me in the eyes and smile, but I could feel the connection with him that I've felt with his mother every day since we were children. The day of the rehearsal dinner was ironically overcast and somewhat gloomy. Pacey was trying to cheer me up all day, telling me that my being at the events were working and that Joey and John had been arguing the last few days.
"It's just pre-wedding stress," I mutter, tying my tie.
"No it's not Dawson, trust me," he said, giving me a pat on the back.
When we arrived at Elliot's restaurant there was a decent crowd mingling around the dining area, waiting to take their seats. Joey and John were holding hands, welcoming guests. As Pacey and I made our way through the crowd, the look on Joey and John's face when they saw us was not exactly welcoming.
"Dawson, Pacey good to see you again," John said with a fake smile. Joey shifted nervously and wiped her forehead, taking a deep breath.
"You too guys, Potter you look good," Pacey said, kissing Joey on the cheek.
"Thanks," she muttered, trying to be civil. She meets my glance that may have only lasted a minute, but felt like an hour.
"Dawson can I speak with you for a minute," John asks, noticing the look between us. I nod and he takes me aside, away from the rest of the crowd. "Dawson I hope you know that as one of Joey's oldest friends, we're glad you've taken part in some of the previous activities leading up to the wedding, but the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself is for invited guests only. I'm sorry but since you didn't receive a formal invitation I have to ask you to leave."
I want to laugh right now because John, who actually does seem to be a stand-up guy, is trying to be tactful. I think I would respect him more if he told me what he was actually thinking, that he noticed the change in Joey's demeanor and is nervous with me being there. I don't know if he knows everything about us but I can guarantee I could tell him things about Joey that would blow his mind.
"John I completely understand what you're saying and I realize my appearance here came as a surprise," I start sweetly, trying to kill him with kindness. "But I'm Pacey's guest to the wedding, he did respond that he was taking a guest right? So I'm not leaving." John takes a few deep breaths, taking in what I'm saying to him but I don't wait around for more. Pacey is waiting for me back in the dining area and casually shows me Joey at the bar throwing back several glasses of wine, lost in thought.
"Be careful man, this could go either way," Pacey warns with a worried look on his face. I nod and watch her sigh deeply before grabbing yet another glass on wine and re-join John, who also doesn't look too happy.
I'm staring at Joey again because she's wearing the dress I bought her for her birthday while we were together. It's pale blue and falls to her knee with a V-neck front. Without closing my eyes I can remember how beautiful she looked in it, trying it on immediately after I gave it to her. I told her how lovely she looked and she just smiled, kissing my passionately on the mouth and causing us to miss our dinner reservations, opting to re-live her 19th birthday and feed each other room service and cake later on. I snap out of my daydream for a minute to realize I'm still staring at her and she's staring back at me from across the room. But this time she doesn't look nervous or fidgety, she looks pissed.
I try to give her a friendly smile and wave, but instead of returning that gesture, she is making her way through the crowd, heading right toward me.
"I need to speak to you.now," she snaps, grabbing my arm and dragging me through the back of the restaurant and into the alley. Once we're outside, she drops my hand like a hot potato and begins pacing back and forth with her hands across her chest. "What the hell are you doing Dawson?"
"Joey I'm just here enjoying your rehearsal dinner..." I start, wondering what could possibly happen next.
"That's bullshit," she screams, catching herself and me off guard by the tone of her voice. "What are you doing here? Why are you here in Boston after no contact for almost five years? And don't tell me it's because you missed me or you 'love' me."
"It's true Joey," I say, moving closer to her, knowing this is going to come out in an alley of a restaurant.
"No it's not Dawson," she says angrily, her voice rising again. "If you loved me, if you loved your child and really missed us, you would have come back, you wouldn't have walked out of the Plaza hotel after I tell you that our love, what we felt for one another made our son!"
"Joey walking out of that hotel room that night, leaving you there was the biggest mistake I've made," I say seriously, noticing her snort in disgust. "I'm serious okay, I never should have left you there and I should have found you the next day and told you everything I was thinking.but I was afraid."
"Afraid of what Dawson, what was so scary that we couldn't have fixed it together, that you had to tell me you didn't love me anymore and that our relationship was a fling that meant nothing," she said, screaming again by the end of her sentence. "Did you just get involved with me again to hurt me, to make me pay for hurting you years before because I thought we were passed that."
"No Joey I never, ever wanted to hurt you and this wasn't a revenge thing at all," I say, trying to catch her arm. "I was with you because I wanted to be, because I wanted to focus on us on what we have."
"So why did you do it, what were you so scared of?" she asks, still upset.
"I left because I wasn't sure if I could leave Sarah," I say, knowing that she has to be told this, but fearing her reaction. "I was afraid you would leave and hurt me again so I thought staying with Sarah was the easiest thing to do at that time."
"Are you kidding me?" she screamed again, noticing a few people staring at us from the street. "I cheated on my husband for a year with you, willingly because I loved you because I wanted us to be together. All you had to do was tell me you wanted to be with me all the time and I would have left Christopher immediately without any thought."
"I know, I know that now but at the time it was just too much to handle and I panicked Joey, but I've lived to regret it, trust me," I say pleadingly.
"I hope so because you don't deserve to know your son for what you've done," she says bitterly, looking at me with the coldest stare. "When he asked me about his father, what was I supposed to tell him? Tell him that his father is a self-centered bastard that used me and then threw me away when we should have become closer?"
"Joey, come on," I stammer, her words cutting through me like a knife. "I know I hurt you and I want nothing more than to make up for that, for you to believe me again and know that I want you and love you more than ever."
"You don't love anyone Dawson, outside of Gail and Lily," she says coldly, tears starting in her eyes.
"No that's bull and you know it," I say, finally getting angry myself. "You know how I feel about you, you know how much I love you. You know because I can still make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, you wear the dress I bought you to your wedding rehearsal and you look at me and still have love in your eyes. When you look back at that year together, you can't really think that I didn't love you and that I would go through all this again because I don't love you."
"Why didn't you come back sooner?" she asks, calming down a bit.
"I did," I say, looking away for a bit. "I came to Boston not long after you gave birth because I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for hurting you, for making you do all this alone. I wanted to tell you that I loved you still and that I would do anything to have you come back to me forever."
"So what happened because I never saw you," she says, moving closer to me finally.
"I saw you with Mitch in the park by your place and I watched you for awhile, taken back by how natural it looked, you with our child and how beautiful you looked no matter what happened in the past few months," I start, unconsciously moving closer too. "But then as I was about to approach you John sat down.I saw you two kiss and I just felt like you were gone.that I finally ruined things with us for good."
"So you left," she says simply.
"Yes and leaving you, knowing you were better off without me, that I would only cause you more hurt and heartache just about killed me because I loved you that much," I whisper, reaching out for her. "But you've never been out of my thoughts Jo. I've dreamt about you and our son this entire time and I knew I had to come back to see if there was any hope for us before it was too late."
"So what do you want from me?" she asks, looking at the ground.
"I want you to call off the wedding and marry me," I say, shocked because I actually said it out loud. Her head snaps up and stares at me in shock for a minute, digesting what I've just told her.
"Dawson.I don't know.it's been so long and I don't know if I can really trust you." she says, cut off only because I've truly lost my mind and pulled her in my arms, kissing her so hard it hurts. She tenses for a minute, almost fighting me, but soon she relaxes and gives in, letting me kiss away the hurt and anger and fear, letting me try to tell her this way how much I truly love her. We stay this way for a while, I think, time sort of started to pass by slowly while we were together. I missed this feeling, her running her hands through my hair, holding me tightly against her.more memories flood my mind.
When we finally pull apart, mostly because I can't breathe, her eyes are glassy and clouded over. Holding her hand tightly, I rub her hand with my thumb, waiting anxiously for her to say something.
"Dawson.I have.I have to go," she says quickly, dropping her hand from my grasp.
"Joey don't walk away from this.please," I say, dumbfounded that she's leaving it this way.
"Dawson I don't know what to think right now or what to feel," she stammers, smoothing down her hair.
"But Joey we kissed.I know you felt something," I stutter, trying to think of something to make her stay.
"Dawson one kiss doesn't prove you really want me back, that you're ready for this or to really commit to me and my son," she says, turning to leave.
"So what can I do to prove to you that I love you, what do you want me to do?" I beg, hoping she won't leave.
"Take action Dawson, that will speak louder than anything else right now.after everything that's happened," she says, shutting the door softly behind her.