May it be known that I don't own the Slayers, I just like to play with them. And I don't own The Princess Bride either, though the dvd IS mine, and I pity the fool who tries to take it from me!!
Anyway, big thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story!! Your comments are greatly appreciated and loved and eventually crushed to death by hugs of joy. Please enjoy this not so great installment of The Sorceress Bride!!
Tight leather, Eris concluded, was great to look at but hell on your lungs. Once they left Noonsa to deal with the Man in Black, it had been nothing but 'pant pant, wheeze wheeze'.
"That's why leather should only be used for gloves and pants," Lina carefully explained, ignoring the fact that she herself was having a hard time scaling the hill in her rather fancy dress.
"I see that now, but it just seemed so chick at the time," Eris sighed, pulling the smaller girl by her bound wrists.
"Oh I understand what you mean! It's an honest mistake I suppose… although if you knew you were going to be traipsing around in the woods, you should have worn something with more cover."
"Oh, I thought of that, but my original plan was-"
"MOTHER!!"
"Yes?" LoN questioned, blinking at her little hell mongrel's interruption.
"This has nothing to do with the story does it?" Phibrizo glowered, sipping his herbal tea.
"Well, I Thought It Might Be Nice To Give Eris More Screen Time. You See, I Always Felt That If Her And My Lina-Chan Would Ever Meet Without The Whole Revenge Thing Hanging Over Their Heads They Would Get Along Beautifully."
"Please get back to the story so we can get this over with!"
"Fine," She pouted, skipping the whole 'Lina-and-Eris-Get-Along-Despite-Their -Differences chapter'. "Lets See… Noonsa And The Mysterious Masked Man…"
After taking care of Gourry, Mysterious Masked Man was hot on the kidnappers' trail. It was rather easy to follow people when you could see their Astral Residue. And no, that is not as dirty as it sounds!
So lost was Mysterious Masked Man in his thoughts that he never noticed the extremely pointy object making an unhappy trail towards his person. In fact, he didn't notice anything was amiss until said pointy object shot past his cute little nose.
"Hey!" he yelped. Even Mysteriously Cool Men can be startled.
Noonsa stepped from behind the rocks, smiling as much as his fishy lips would allow. "I didn't have to miss you know."
Mysterious Masked Man grimly assessed the plentiful spikes on the fishman's fins. "I believe you."
"Well then, why don't you put down your sword and agree to no sorcery, and let's fight as the Beautiful, Compassionate, Devine Lotus of a Celestial Being-"
"MOTHER!!"
"Fine, Fine!!"
"Lord of Nightmares intended," he finished, crossing his arms.
*Sweatdrop*
"So… I'll lay down my sword here… and promise not to use magic… and we'll go at it with our bare hands?"
"Yup."
"O~kay," the Mysterious One muttered, carefully laying his sword on the ground. It wasn't that he was worried or anything, it was just, just… how in the hell do you get a fishman into a chokehold? Was it physically possible?
Taking the initiative, MMM rushed at Noonsa, intending to catch his opponent in a lung-crushing hold. Unfortunately, Noonsa was just a wee bit slippery, scales and all, so (happily for Noonsa's lungs) he just kind of… slipped away. "Alright," MMM growled, lunging at Noonsa again. He was quickly bestowed with the Fishy Kiss of Humiliation.
"AAAUUUGGGH!!" Mysterious Masked Man spat, trying to get rid of that, that… FISH smell. "You're just toying with me aren't you?"
"Don't say that," Noonsa sniffled. I just want you to think that you're doing well."
"I am not amused."
"Fine then," he cried, feelings hurt as he threw a few punches. "Why do you wear that mask anyway? Has your face been horribly disfigured by piranhas in an acid bath?"
"Sore wa himitsu desu!!" Mysterious Masked Man giggled, disappearing from sight.
"Wha-!" Noonsa turned around, bewildered. Now that was odd. "He buggered off," he muttered, shrugging his shoulders. Noonsa turned to leave, but stopped in his tracks when his back magical became much heavier than it should have been.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID HOMOSAPIEN?!?!" The fishman squirmed. He was not a violent person by nature, and he could feel the spikes impale the other man's chest. Not the most pleasant situation to be in.
"Why should it-" Mysterious Masked Man grunted as Noonsa drove the spikes further into his Mysterious person. "Matter?"
The Fishman sweatdropped, praying to any deity that might be listening that the Mysterious Masked Man HADN'T just released a groan of pleasure. That was just sick!! "What do you mean it doesn't matter?!"
"It's… just…"
WHAMScore one for the Mysterious guy. Noonsa was knocked out, courtesy of a stray rock that just happened to fall from the sky. "Lucky me!" MMM cheered, removing himself from Noonsa. The only damage done seemed to be to his clothes. Within a second, that too was repaired, and MMM was as impeccable and as dashing as ever.
After learning that the fishman did in fact still posses a pulse, MMM sighed, very unhappy with his current trend of leaving enemies alive. Two in one day, he was really getting very bad at this. "See you later, Mahi-Man," he snickered, patting Noonsa's scales. "May you dream of white serpents with large breasts."
And judging from the occasional noises emitting from our unconscious fishy-friend, he did just that.
There was no such thing as disappearing without a trace. Prince Val knew this, and that was why so many years of his noble life were spent in the devout art of tracking- feeling the moisture in the air, tasting dirt, sharply catching minute damage to the landscape, that sort of thing. When his father was still competent, Rezo had often complained of young Val's choice of education. 'Boy, you should be studying the art of Healers, of Alchemy, of blah blah blah.'
The Prince grinned at this not so fond memory of his father. HA! Well, he was showing him now, eh? His years spent learning to tell the difference between the droppings of an African and European swallow were finally, er, of course going to something useful.
He was hunting woman: his woman to be precise.
"There was a great battle," Val proclaimed, rising from his crouched position on the ground. His advisers pointedly ignored the various signs of mass destruction about them, nodding. Hey, the boy was going to be king one day. "It took place all over…" he paused. According to the tracts, one fighter had the other pinned to this wall. The trapped combatant threw his assaulter away. It wasn't the abnormal distance with which the other man had fell which caught Val's attention, it was the fact that the challenger went from the wall to immediately behind his opponent. And that was impossible…
"What happened?" Zangulus, the prince's main advisor queried, "How did it end?"
"The duel ended here." Val stopped at the spot Gourry laid only and hour earlier. "The loser took off on his own, but the winner took off… toward Elemekia!!" he declared, pointing dramatically. His party clapped enthusiastically, one fox man even waving his 'Go Val-sama' banner.
"Shall we send men after them both?"
Val glared at Zangulus and the advisor cringed at the insanity in his young master's eyes. "No, just the winner. Only the princess-"
"-Sorceress."
"-What ever, matters."
So saying Val leaped onto his waiting horse, leading his men to the
Elmekian countryside.
"And if this is a trap?"
Val smiled, his cape swirling behind him. "Then all the more fun for us."
"Oh ludicrous," Eris muttered, watching the black-clad man scale the hill.
"What is it?" Lina asked, pausing in mid motion.
Eris sighed and took the wine from the redhead's hands, setting the bottle aside. "The dude in black just defeated Noonsa. That means it's my turn."
"Boo," Lina pouted. "I wanted lunch."
The black haired woman nodded, gazing sadly at the beautiful picnic lunch before them. And they were so fortunate to find a large rock as a table with smaller rocks for chairs. And the view!! What a waste. "Don't worry, if I kill him, we eat."
Lina didn't quite know what to say to that. On one hand she would (presumably) be rescued, on the other… mmm, cheese and bread, a simple pleasure of life. "Hey!" she cried as Eris tied a cloth about her eyes.
"Sorry, but it might get rather messy and I don't want you to see that."
"Why you're so kind!"
"Oh, it's nothing!" Eris cried, blushing modestly. "Ah! Here he comes! Sorry bout this." So saying, Eris pulled out her dagger and held it at Lina's throat, glaring at the Mysterious Masked Man. "Don't you move, or I'll slice her throat!"
The stranger smiled, slowly and dangerously. "I'm sure we can… work something out."
"Don't take ONE step, do you here me?"
Well, men were never for doing what they're told. "My dear lady, I'm sure that-"
Lina squealed in surprise as Eris' knife drew blood, stopping her would be savior in his tracks.
"I'm sure we can reach an agreement," the man growled, eyes flashing red.
"What agreement? I stole her first!"
Carefully controlled anger betrayed his seemingly calm state. "Then we've reached a gridlock, ne?"
"I'd say so. I can't compete with your strength, and you don't come close to my intellect."
"Oh, you're THAT smart?"
"Ever hear of King Rezo, the Red Mage, one of the five Wise men?"
"But of course."
"I did all of his work for him," she stated proudly, tossing her hair.
"But to do that you'd have to be kind of old…"
"THE SORCERESS!!" Eris reminded, drawing Lina near.
"Very well then. Let us test our wits."
"Then please have a seat."
"Thank you. Would you be so kind as to pour the wine?"
While Eris filled the goblets, the strange man pulled a tiny vial out of his shirt. "Here. Smell this but do not touch."
"I don't smell anything."
"Exactly. This, my lovely lady, is Zomalgustan Powder. Odorless and tasteless, it is of our world's more deadly and… unpleasant poisons." So saying, he took both glasses and turned his back to Eris, presumably dumping the powder into one of the two glasses. Placing one goblet before Eris and one before himself, he asked "Which is wine and which is a one way ticket to L-sama?"
"I see your game," Eris smiled, pushing Lina away. "But this is far too easy, my friend. I simply have to deduct what I know of you to divine the location of the poison."
"Then by all means."
"You've beaten my swordsman, so you must at least know that man is mortal."
"Brilliant," he muttered, rolling his eyes.
"SHUT UP!! Anyway, knowing that, you would put the poison as far away from yourself as possible.
"May~be."
"But then again, you defeated Noonsa, and that means you are strong. Therefore, you would place the poison in your own glass, hoping that your strength would save you."
"And then?"
"There is no and then! But you are obviously angry with me for scratching our little princess,"
"Sorceress," he corrected.
"Sorceress, so therefore, you would place the poison before me in a pursuit of vengeance."
"Your wit IS amazing, Eris-san!"
"…Did I ever tell you my name?"
"…Um… yes."
"Oh… Anyway, anyone with the IQ of a crab knows that anything and everything Zomalgustan comes from Xoana, a country completely inhabited with loons. Therefore, in your deluded state of mine, you would place the poison in your own glass, therefore I cannot take the wine before you."
"You're stalling, my dear."
"No, you've given everything away, you fool!"
A smirk graced his lips. "Then make your choice."
"Fine… OH MY GOD!!" Eris leapt up, knocking Lina over in the process. "Do mine eyes deceive me or is that a Chimera doing the funky chicken dance of love?!"
"What? Where?" Mysterious Masked Man squealed, turning around to see the amazing chimera man. While his back was turned, Eris oh-so-deviously switched her goblet with his.
"I don't see anything," he pouted, crossing his arms.
"Oh… well, maybe he ran away. Chimera's are quick like that you know," she snickered.
"That they are…why are you laughing, Eris-san?"
"Tell you in a second. Here, why don't we drink? You from your glass and me from mine."
"Very well then."
Eris watched from over the rim of her cup until the black clad man began to drink his wine. Smiling in satisfaction, she quickly downed the contents of her glass, laughing as she set down the goblet.
"You lose, Eris-san," the stranger smiled.
"Oh no I didn't! I switched the glasses!! You little moron, you broke one of the cardinal rules of war- never turn your back on an enemy! That is third of course, right behind Never Underestimate a Woman Scorned and Never Demand Lake Dragon in the Presence of a Gold Dra-"
Eris fell over dead. Dead as a doornail… although a doornail was never technically alive so…
"MOTHER!!"
"You Can Be Such A Brat…"
"Who are you?" Lina demanded as the Mysterious Masked Man removed her bonds and blindfold.
"I'm no one to mess with," he assured.
She shivered. His eyes… well, at any rate, Lina definitely believed him. Sadly looking at Eris' body she couldn't help but to be amazed. "The poison was in your glass the whole time."
"I'm afraid not. You see poison has no effect on my amazing person," he chuckled, helping Lina to her feet.
"You cheated?"
"Maybe," he grinned, running down the hill, one red haired sorceress in tow.