For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

30. Lover

Chapter 30: Lover

The chapter where they say goodbye to what was.

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Monika's eyes opened to the glint of sunlight that was just visible from their living room window, a single speck of light that managed to shine through their blinds, through the doorway, and directly into her eye. Immediately her mind began to kick into overdrive as she thought about all of the things she would have to face today, and whether she would have the strength to do so. She thought of school and the midterms she would be up against, and then her tennis practice after classes followed by work, and she shut her eyes as tightly as she could. Why couldn't she have a few more minutes?

Then she realized that those were the only hurdles to face against for the day.

She shifted over slightly and opened her eyes again, staring at the plaster ceiling above her while her mind slowed down and she reminded herself that, for once in her life, nothing was the matter. None of her friends were in danger (as far as she knew) nor was she at risk of losing something she cared about, such as her club, her grades, or her apartment. She wasn't twenty-eight with no friends, family, or future to work towards. There was nobody out to get her or the people she cared about, and the time since her last mental breakdown had been so long now that she was probably hitting a new record. This, she supposed, was what life was actually supposed to be like. She had been given tastes of it, but this was a whole soup pot full and she wasn't quite sure how to handle it yet.

The light crept into her eye again as the sun continued to rise, its slow but eventual ascent resulting in the discomfort of a glare once again as she squirmed and turned away. They really needed to get some curtains. The other person who made up they was wrapped around a mixture of blankets and a single stuffed duck the size of her head as Sayori snored gently on the other side of the room. Monika smirked at the mess of hair and a single pillow loosely covering the side of her face, and wanted nothing more than to brush it away gently as she laid against their blow-up mattress. The rising sun was nothing compared to the sight of Sayori Moriyama sleeping peacefully; no nightmares, no terrors, just a restful eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Monika could have stayed there for hours, admiring the peaceful serenity of someone from a distance who had suffered so much being able to get a nice deserved rest, but the day's schedule would not allow it. She allowed herself a few more minutes of selfish laziness before reaching up to where her phone sat on a wooden end table and tapped the alarm, just seconds before it was set to go off. She yawned, stretched, and quietly snuck out of bed to get the coffee going before retreating to the bathroom.

Within two days of their confrontation with Ms. Moriyama, a moving truck had arrived from Sapporo containing most of the furniture from Sayori's room that had been too big for them to snag during their nightly intrusion in December. Her table, wardrobe, bookshelves, and even her bed had been delivered along with some furniture that Monika suspected had belonged to Ms. Moriyama, but hadn't been wanted, such as two end tables, a rack, and a set of gaudy paintings that both Monika and Sayori had agreed to donate. There was also a set of pictures from when Sayori had been young that included a note asking for Sayori to deliver to her father, but Monika felt no reason to object when Sayori copied them and hung them up in their apartment.

It was as she was pulling the vest of her school uniform on that she heard the rustling and lip smacking that could only be the sounds of a waking Sayori. Sure enough, seconds later she came walking through the doorway with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders and Mr. Duck's plump body being dragged behind her like a limp teddy bear as she gave Monika a little wave of greeting. Monika smiled and returned the greeting, extending her fingers from the mug of coffee she held in her hands.

"Morn'..." Sayori mumbled as she looked around. Her bleary eyes finally settled on Monika and the faintest hint of a smile spread across her face.

"Good morning. Did you sleep alright?"

"Mmm, had a dream about bumble bees. They kept trying to sell me condos."

Monika managed not to snort into her coffee as she took a sip. "Hm, a bit early for them to come out, isn't it? I hope they gave you a good deal at least. Want me to cook up some breakfast before I go? I went out and got eggs yesterday so I can make you some eggs, bacon, and toast if you want, not sure if we have any orange juice left though." She stood up to turn on the stove and grab a plate, but Sayori shook her head.

"No, that's okay… you're paying the rent and going to school and doing clubs and everything else, you don't have to cook for me." Sayori mumbled. She stood up as well and moved over to the kitchen counter to plug in the toaster, fumbling around for the bread box. "I told mom I wouldn't be lazy, and until she can get my school stuff transferred back over I need to do something other than lay around. It's not fair on you."

Monika sighed, giving Sayori a look that she couldn't see. Ever since the meeting with Sayori's mother, Sayori had been determined not to be what she deemed "useless roommate" when it came to her daily activities. She cleaned the apartment, but even with their new additions they didn't have a lot of furniture, and as such, it never took very long. She had tried to go grocery shopping, but remembered only at the checkout line that Monika was the only one between them with money. She had even tried to help Monika with her schoolwork, but that had quickly turned into a reverse lesson as she struggled to catch up on the things she had missed while in Sapporo.

In truth, Monika didn't mind. She knew Sayori learning a sense of independence and self-sufficiency was a good thing, and that doing everything for her would probably do more harm than good in the long run. Yet as she watched the gloomy cinnamon bun she had known for so long pop two slices of bread into the toaster, she couldn't help but want to do things for her. She wanted to take care of her, to give her all to see Sayori smile and simply enjoy life like she herself wanted to so dearly. Sometimes, she couldn't tell if that came from her remaining feelings for her, the leftover guilt of their history, or if Sayori simply radiated energy that deemed she be cared for and protected at all costs.

I know I can't take care of you, but I can give you a hand, she thought to herself. Turning the toaster knobs down from five to three, Monika skirted around Sayori and began pulling the bacon out of the fridge. "Alright, well I'm going to fry me up some bacon and eggs at least." She said, to which Sayori nodded groggily.

"I'm gonna look around for a part time job, I think." Sayori said as Monika slipped three slices of bacon and an egg onto the skillet. "I can't do anything full time, but maybe the library… or a convenience store? Something that can work with my school schedule until March. Wait, when do we graduate?" Sayori suddenly looked much more alert and panicked as she glanced over at Monika for reassurance.

"March, you got it right." Monika encouraged. One of the few benefits that came with Sayori having the same knowledge as she did about the game was that it seemed to have completely overtaken her amnesia. The downside however was that even though Sayori rarely forgot things beyond simple mistakes anymore, she had become increasingly self conscious about her memory and seemed scared of the idea of ever forgetting things. Monika couldn't blame her. "I think that's a good idea. I know Yuri started working at the library, maybe you could work with her? That'd give you someone you know to work with at least." She pressed the eggs flat with her spatula before turning off the stove and sitting down at the table.

Sayori took her toast and sat across from Monika with a sleepy shrug. "Maybe, although with how organized and dedicated Yuri is, I'm not sure if it'd be a good idea for me to work under her, ehehe. Maybe a cafe? But I don't even like coffee…" She pondered in thought for a moment while nibbling on her toast, and Monika polished off her coffee. She glanced at the clock on her phone and smiled, pushing her untouched plate of breakfast goodies off towards Sayori.

"Ah, it's getting late, I better head off to school. You eat this since I can't take it with me, and I'll swap you with a piece of toast." She took the uneaten piece of toast off of Sayori's plate and turned to head towards the door before Sayori could refuse. Sayori looked at the plate in bewilderment for a moment before turning back towards Monika.

"Heeeey, you don't even eat bacon!" She pouted, but Monika just smiled and gave a farewell wave as she wrapped her scarf around her neck and slipped out the door into the misty morning air. Winter was not yet over, and the transition from January into February was hardly noticed as bitter winds and snow flurries continued to make morning walks to school a battle against the elements. She was thankful that her school allowed for an extended skirt during the colder months, but at the same time she really couldn't help but feel that some pants would've made the journey much more bearable.

The thing about walking to school by herself was that she had gotten used to it in the weeks of Sayori being gone, and it was during these long lonely walks where Monika felt she needed Sayori most. Her mind always seemed to focus on the intrusive and negative thoughts that slipped into her head, and no matter how often she tried to tell herself that her thoughts did not dictate her feelings, that never stopped them from making her overthink and reflect on all of the decisions she had made in her life. Sometimes the cold distracted her, but never for long.

Even with the daily weight of a small mountain of homework and studying, school managed to slip by in relative ease for the most part. She was doing decently in her classes, Ms. Fujita had even noted that there was a significant spring in her step compared to before and that it showed a positive influence on her grades. She told herself that she was just glad to exist after all, that her near-death experience had instilled a more positive outlook on life after nearly giving it up, but she knew that wasn't quite it. She was glad to be alive, but it was Sayori who made living all the more worth it. Having the person she was closest to back in her life filled her with a will to go on, and she knew that wasn't exactly a good thing.

Sayori had been there since the very beginning; her vice-president in the club, her best friend, her first victim as she spiraled into the madness that followed the utter loneliness she had been put through, and so many more things. She was the first person to tell her that everything would be okay, to forgive her and to give her the feeling of another's touch through hugs. Her first true love, her first kiss, her first date, her first time, they had all been given willingly to Sayori. She had willingly given her life for Sayori, twice. Sayori made her happy. Sayori made her feel safe. She was never happier than when Sayori was smiling and enjoying the life she had been given. It was always about Sayori.

And now, more than ever, Monika thought maybe she thought about Sayori a bit too much.

With Sayori waiting for her information to be transferred back to Yakumo and Natsuki not set to come back to school for another week, Monika was left to eat her lunch alone. Just as she took the thermos from her bag and popped off the lid, she saw a familiar flash of blonde hair slip out of a classroom down the hallway where it promptly turned away from her. Monika hesitated for a second before capping her thermos and standing up from her usual spot against the wall; a wild idea had just taken form.

"Himari! Hey, Himari!" Monika hastened down the hall just as Himari Ishida was rounding the corner, her bright yellow eyes reminding Monika of a cat trying to determine the best way to stalk its prey, until she shifted her glasses and seemed to realize just who was calling after her.

"Monika?" She asked, the surprise in her voice readily apparent. "Hey, what's going on? Need something?" Monika slowed to a stop and shook her head, holding up her thermos.

"No uh, actually I wanted to talk to you about something. Do you want to have lunch together?" She asked. There was a sense of awkwardness in the air at her question, their interactions since their talk in the teacher's lounge had been reduced to polite conversation regarding school work at best, marking this as the first conversation between the two in months. Himari must've realized this as well, because she suddenly flashed a guilty look while glancing down the hallway behind her.

"Uh, well… I actually was going to, like, meet someone…" She shifted on her feet for a moment before wincing and shrugging her shoulders. "Eh, it doesn't look like she's coming today anyway. In that case, sure, but walk and talk with me because I'm craving caffeine super hard and need a soda." And just like that they walked down the hall with the destination of the vending machines, side by side as their fellow students passed them with their own food. Some spoke of the midterms, others chatted with their friends about their day-to-day, but Monika wasn't quite sure what to say to Himari. How did you make smalltalk with someone whom you shared such an awkward and complicated history with? Somehow it had always seemed easier with Yuri, Natsuki, and Sayori.

Of course, her friends in the literature club were still just that: her friends. Himari wasn't quite a friend, but she didn't really hate her either, as strange as it sounded. Maybe because she knew what it was like to make mistakes that affected others. As they descended the stairwell and arrived at the vending machine, Monika finally decided to break the silence with the easiest question she could think of.

"So, how've you been?" She asked. Himari shrugged and slipped several coins into the machine, pondering her choice.

"Oh, you know. Been looking at colleges and universities. My mom wants me to go to Tokyo but I feel that's reaching a bit high, you know? She told me I never aim higher than I can reach and I was like, 'Well yeah, I can't do more than I can do' but I guess she was just being philosophical on me or something." Himari snorted and punched in the button for a grape soda, tapping her foot as the machine went ka-clunk! and spat out her can. "She thinks getting a brochure means that the college is interested in me, and I hate to tell her they just send those to all of us. Anyway, I doubt you decided to hit me up out of nowhere for college talk."

"Uh, well… yeah." Monika admitted. She suddenly felt very nervous about the entire thing and considered simply eating her soup, but Himari was staring at her expectantly. "I um… well, I've been having a problem that I don't really know how to approach. Aaand, you're the only person I know who has experience with this particular… dilemma." She expected Himari to narrow her eyes and become suspicious, but instead she just cracked open her soda and took a swig before leaning against the wall.

"Go on."

This is going to get really uncomfortable really fast. Monika sighed and popped off the cap of her soup as she took a seat next to the vending machine, her eyes not meeting Himari's. Monika tried to tell herself that at least their friendship was so rocky and dissipated that ruining it couldn't make things any more awkward. With a deep breath, Monika glanced up at the former debate club leader.

"So, I uh… I'm worried I might care about someone too much. Like, they're the only person who makes me happy and I feel like I want to do anything and everything with them – but I'm not sure a relationship is a good idea if I'm this… I don't know, obsessed?" She glanced nervously up at Himari and shrugged, trying to backpedal with an embarrassed grin. "It's not like, crazy obsessed or anything and I'm not trying to say you are- er, were, obsessed with anyone, I just…" Her words tumbled out of her mouth in a flurry, but Himari just stared at her evenly for a few seconds as Monika's voice died away. After a moment Himari scratched the back of her head and smiled.

"Ow, you know how to hit where it hurts, don't you?" She gave a small chuckle as Monika began to dig away at her soup to help fill her end of the silence. "Fair enough though. I'm not sure if I was what you'd call obsessed, but I think we both know I did some pretty shitty things to try and keep you around. I get what you mean – this is about Moriyama, right? Damn, I uh… I just realized she's not been around since before the holidays. Is she good? Are you two… good?" Monika couldn't quite tell if she was genuinely concerned or simply following social protocol and being invested, but she respected it nonetheless. Pleasantness, however forced and awkward, was a definitive step above distate.

Monika held a finger up so that she could swallow her soup. "Y-yeah, sorry. She's good now, she was away for a while and we ended up, you know, splitting up right before she left. I was in a really bad way because of it, like I was taking out all my pain and misery on myself and just fell into this kind of pit. Nothing felt right without her, and I wasn't happy at all. She's back now though, and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship and all that, which I totally get. I just worry that…"

"If you're nothing without her, you don't deserve her? Yeah, I know the feel." Himari shook her head and sighed, swishing her can in her hands. "God, yeah you looked like hot garbage after the break. No offense of course! I wanted to check in on you but I had some stuff going on too… and it would also have been a little awkward. Anyway, me moping aside, you need advice and I'm happy to help. Let me think about this for a second." The seconds ticked away as Monika quietly enjoyed her lunch and Himari pondered in silence beside her. Monika wondered if she was just overreacting to all of this, that she was simply overthinking and the answer was right in front of her, but if it was she didn't see it.

"I want to like, talk to her." Monika admitted. "But I think I'm scared that if I try and flesh out the details of what we are and whether or not that'll change, that it might be what closes us off for good. We're still close, but it's not the level of closeness that I want. I'm scared of overstepping boundaries but terrified of closing off whatever few I'm allowed to cross while it's all up in the air." It sounded so silly out loud, so much so that she worried Himari might laugh or give her a look, but Himari was listening very intently to every word Monika said.

"Well, try and look at why this is so important to you. I don't mean like that." Himari added after seeing the look on Monika's face. "Of course it's important, but like, why is it the most important thing? Look at the world around you and how you're moving through it. Why is another person the only thing that's keeping you above water; what's so bad about your life that only someone else can bring a spark for you? If your surroundings and like, your schedule, if those aren't making you happy or are even suffocating you, then yeah, someone else would have that kind of effect on you." She explained. The look on her face was serious, grim even, and it made Monika wonder.

As she fiddled with the cap of her thermos, Monika gave her a sort of half smile. "Is that how you were?"

"Big time." Himari nodded. "I was the head of the debate club, had taken over as class representative, making all the good grades, and it all just… sucked. I liked the debate club because you were in it; all I did was turn it into a little gossip group with too many axes to grind. I didn't even really like debating, you just made it super fun and interesting somehow. I took over as class rep because, like, I thought it was a way of me surpassing you, kinda like the student becoming the mentor. When in reality I was just bogged down with too many things I didn't actually want to do and didn't have the energy for." She spun the empty soda can on her finger before chucking it into the recycling bin beside them. "So I closed the debate club, backed out of student politics, and just… lived for myself for a bit. It gave some perspective."

Monika thought about it as she dusted herself off. Had she ever lived for herself since she had arrived in this world? It felt like every waking moment she spent trying to improve the lives of her friends, be it to make them happy, to make herself feel better, or simply because it felt like a purpose to her. When was the last time she sat and thought about her future? Not just with Sayori, but as herself. Of course, she knew what a future alone looked like, and she didn't quite want that either. Where was she going for university? What would she major in?

Who was she without her friends?

"That's… actually really insightful. Thank you, Himari." Monika stuck out her hand and Himari took it, giving her a signature smug look as though she truly was a student passing on wisdom to her mentor. She adjusted her glasses just as the Westminster chime rang above them, and with a friendly wave she turned the opposite direction to head to her next class.

"Of course. I'm glad I could say something smart instead of like, super dumb for once. But uh, hey…" She stopped and turned halfway to face Monika, as though debating on whether or not to continue. "Just because you really like her, doesn't necessarily mean you're bad for one another. She might even like that you, you know, feel a sense of purpose or direction when you're with her. Someone uh, someone had to tell me something similar a while back, that it's okay to be who you are." She rubbed the back of her head awkwardly and smirked at Monika before continuing on her way. "You can be important to someone and vice versa, just remember to be important to yourself too, yeah? Oh! If you see Moriyama, tell her… tell her I'm sorry, if you could. See you, Monika."

As Himari rounded the corner and Monika got ready to go to her next class, she thought about what kind of life she wanted to live. Her first thought was naturally one beside Sayori, but then she thought about one without her. Could she really be happy without someone at her side? Could she let go of the love she had for Sayori if it still meant a happy future for either of them? It put an uncomfortable pit in her stomach, thinking of that kind of future, and imagining just enjoying life beside someone she truly loved and cared about was much more enjoyable. But was it realistic for someone like her?

As the school day winded to a close and Monika changed out of her tennis clothes to her regular uniform, she felt a buzz in her blazer pocket and quickly pulled out her phone to see a text on the top of her notification bar.

M. Sayori: hey moni i need u to pick me up some oden on the way home is that ok? any kind works!

Monika smiled and pocketed her phone, more than happy to pick up her roommate some dinner for the evening. As she headed out into the cold however, a thought occurred to Monika that had never really taken place inside of her before: what if she said no? It wasn't as though she minded, she had just enough time before work to grab Sayori some dinner after all, but what if this was her just catering to Sayori due to her feelings? Would saying no be a step of independence for the both of them, encouraging Monika to not be as clingy while planting a seed for Sayori to not rely on her so much?

Now you're really overthinking it.

Ba-ring!

M. Sayori: the convenience store down the street from the apartment has super cheap oden! if you can get it i'll buy your coffee for the next week as thanks! ;)

Monika shook away the ridiculous thoughts she was starting to have, tightening her scarf as she strode down the sidewalk to the road that would take her to the convenience store. The uncertainty was the worst part of it; not knowing whether she was putting too much thought into the entire thing or not enough. Maybe she was still in the post-breakup phase, she knew those could last a long time after all. But what if she never left this stage of grief? What if she never got Sayori off of her mind? What would she do then?

The worst part was, she felt like if she was having this problem with anyone else then the first person she would go to talk to about how she felt would be Sayori. She was so much more emotionally keen then anyone gave her credit for, and even if she didn't always have an answer she made a fantastic listener, and usually could see the answer to something while it was under everyone else's nose. Sayori made things simple. The problem was, she couldn't go to Sayori about this, because Sayori was who it was about. There were so many things to talk about, but never a right moment.

Monika felt a great sense of relief when she stepped into the convenience store, finding it pleasantly warm without being too stifling compared to the winds outside. A chipper "Hello, welcome!" from the cashier greeted her, but her mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of talking to Sayori and getting oden that Monika only managed to raise her hand in greeting before setting off for the noodle aisle. A funky pop tune was playing over the speakers softly, like a lingering thought in the back of her head as she approached the self-service counter for oden and began scanning the ingredients.

I wish she had told me what she wanted, though if she didn't specify she probably trusts me to pick out what she'll like. Well she'll probably want a daikon in there, Monika thought as she picked at the ingredients using tongs, some shirataki, some ganmo… maybe I should counter that with something a bit more healthy-

"We're more than happy to help if you require any assistance!" The cashier called from behind her. It jolted Monika out of her thoughts from the sheer fact that for a second it had sounded like Sayori. Maybe she was losing it, hearing Sayori's voice where it wasn't just because she was that fixated on her like some kind of deranged stalker. She shook away her jitters and focused on the ingredients, waving behind her.

"Ah, no thank you! I should have it covered." She quickly threw a boiled egg into the mix, spooned in a healthy amount of broth, and popped on the plastic top before hurrying over to the front counter. If the cashier ended up looking like Sayori in any manner, she would know for sure that coming back from the void had simply been too much for her to handle and that her only real option would be to attempt drowning herself via oden broth posthaste. When she got to the counter, she practically dropped the takeaway bowl as her mouth as she looked at the cashier properly for the first time.

"Sayori?! Wha- what are you-" Monika gaped as Sayori smiled across from her. For a split second Monika thought she had simply slipped off of the deep end, projecting Sayori just as she was prone to projecting her own self when her mind was too overwhelmed. But as she saw the cheerful yet bashful grin, the big blue eyes, and of course Monika's orange bow tied neatly against her hair, she knew for sure this was the real Sayori. No psychosis necessary. Sayori beamed at Monika's bemused expression and wiggled her eyebrows playfully.

"Hey there, come here often?" She laughed, only to frown a second later and tap her fingers together as her eyes drifted off to the side. "Ooooh I didn't think about uh, I shouldn't have said that. Bad joke, bad joke. I'm sorry. But hey, I got a job!" She raised her arms in the air to show off her striped uniform with a nametag clipped crookedly over her overshirt pocket, and Monika couldn't help but smile at her as she did so. She was glad there weren't many customers in the store to see her smiling like an idiot at the cashier, but then she realized she wouldn't have cared if there was.

"You sure did." Monika finally said, setting the bowl on top of the counter. "That explains why you wanted me to come to this particular store, at least. I know you said you wanted to get a job, I just didn't think it'd be here of all places. I wasn't even sure-" She stopped as she realized she had almost expressed a lack of faith in Sayori, but before she could try to cover her tracks Sayori nodded in understanding.

"No, that's fair… I don't have the most promising track record. But, I wanted to prove mom wrong. I wanted you to be proud of me too, which is silly and all considering I'm sure you are but- well, you get what I mean." Sayori shook her head as though to clear away her uncertainties and instead took the bowl of oden and scanned it before looking at the screen before her and frowning slightly. After a moment's hesitation, she tapped at the screen a few times, and the price came up on the pad on Monika's end. "Did it go through? I feel like it should've gone through."

"It went through, Say."

"Yes!" Sayori fist pumped behind the counter, only to glance back at the security camera perched in the corner before grimacing and an 'Uh-oh' expression to Monika. "Sorry, you're only my third customer, and I haven't messed up yet so I'm kinda on a roll. Yeah they signed me on and everything at about eleven, and Mr. Takahashi said I could work from noon to six from Monday to Wednesday, and then Thursday and Friday I do two to seven since students can't work more than twenty-eight hours a week." She explained, counting off the hours on her fingers as Monika pulled out her wallet. "And then when I get back in school, he said it'd be fine for me to work just during the evenings, which is sweet!"

Monilka smiled as Sayori explained what her manager was like and the different responsibilities she had, and yet at the same time something tugged softly at her heart as she realized that through all the awful and horrible memories they had experienced they had at some point become strangers to the normal. Seeing Sayori working at a job felt so surreal to her, like she was watching someone else's life. Did Sayori feel the same way, or was she able to just look past all of the worst parts of their shared experiences? Monika wanted to know, more than anything. She wanted to talk to Sayori.

"Hey, Sayori? I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and uh, talk…" She silently groaned as she realized how much that probably sounded like she was trying to get back together. To her relief, Sayori was still explaining about reading milk expiration dates and had only heard a part of Monika's sentence, but her eyes still widened as she suddenly rapped the edge of the counter with her fingers as her eyes lit up like fireworks.

"Oh, oh oh! Monika! That reminds me, oden wasn't the only thing I asked you to come here for - by the way I was serious about the coffee thing, cause next week I'll have a paycheck. - but super serious here. You don't have work tomorrow right? I know you normally work Saturdays." Monika nodded and Sayori continued on. "Okay, well, um… shoot I wanted to do this face to face but wow, texting sure would've been less stressful now that I think about it, ehehe. Anway! I talked to mom earlier and she said that I'm eligible for bi-weekly sessions with a counselor, and um… shoot, I'm sorry, I hate asking this…"

Monika smiled and wanted nothing more than to hold her hands out on the counter for Sayori to take, but she settled on putting all of that reassurance into her voice instead. "Would you like me to come with you?" She asked. Sayori's shoulders sank as she let out an audible sigh of relief and nodded. "Alright, I'll happily tag along if it'll help. I'd like to swing by the library before we go just so I can return that cookbook we borrowed before it gets overdue, but otherwise I'll make sure my schedule is clear for it."

"Gosh, you rock. Thank you so so much, Moni. I just- I know their whole thing is to try and understand but with what we've been through? You're the only one who understands… those things." Sayori sighed and calmly finished the transaction as she handed Monika the receipt. The sound of the automatic doors sliding open behind them alerted them both to two customers who entered, and Sayori flashed an apologetic grin as she leaned over to greet them before turning back to Monika. "Sorry for keeping you, I just wanted to show off my job, ehehe. Do you mind putting that in the microwave at home? I'm going to be starving when I get off."

Monika stuffed her change into her bag and grabbed the takeaway box, nodding. "Yeah, no problem. Have a good shift, alright? I'll see you after work. And uh, congratulations! I'm really, really proud of you." Sayori's cheeks lit up as she smiled and gave a little wave, both of which Monika returned as she stepped out into the cold. Immediately she was jumped by a flurry of emotions that she couldn't really grasp; she was swollen with pride at Sayori taking the initiative and getting a job, beaming at how much Sayori trusted her and valued her presence despite everything, yet she had to blink away tears as she reminded herself things weren't the same.

This is stupid, you need to grow up and get over it. You still have the same conversations and laugh at the same things, you're just not hers, and she's not yours, a part of her said.

But, chimed in the other part, it's scary to think that isn't permanent. If she can get up and go get a job, what's stopping her from being so independent that she never needs you? Monika clutched at her head; she didn't like these thoughts.

Nothing is permanent, you've always known that. Besides, that's a sick thing to think about. You can't keep her trapped relying on you just so you can feel useful. What kind of toxic relationship would that be?

No, no! Not like that! You need her too, after all, being around her calms you and makes you feel safe. She understands you, and you understand her. She's your best friend, a tether to keep you down when everything is trying to spirit you away.

It's always about you, isn't it?! This is why you don't deserve her, it's just about what she makes you feel. That's not a healthy relationship. Set her free and let go, it's the only way you can make up for this sick sense of ownership you're harboring.

"No, I don't own her… she's her own person, that's- that's not me…" Monika pinched the bridge of her nose as a stifled gasp escaped her; she was working herself up again over her own thoughts. This was happening too much, and she had nobody to talk to about it. She just wanted answers, clear concise answers about how she felt. She wanted it all to make sense. She wanted to just be normal, more than anything she craved the feeling of contentment and peace that came with understanding her own feelings – or at least, not feeling so guilty over them.

Maybe Sayori wasn't the only one who needed therapy.

When Monika reached the apartment to drop her things off and change, she made sure to take a deep breath and try to leave all of her mental insecurities behind. The apartment looked almost just as she had left it, though as she set the oden in the microwave and grabbed some more casual clothes to wear, she saw a ukulele and an acoustic guitar laying across Sayori's bed. Another sign Sayori was exploring more of herself was her taking a more active role in hobbies, something Monika admittedly needed to do herself. Sayori was becoming independent, and maybe she needed to as well.

With that, she slung her bag back over her shoulder, kicked the heater on for when Sayori came home, and headed out to meet her client.

---

Winter had come, and winter had gone. The warm air of spring had faded for the evening, leaving a cool breeze to slide through the trees as Sayori packed the last of her luggage into the trunk of the taxi cab. It was a pleasant evening all things considered; everyone was happily enjoying the sakura trees finally blooming, leaving pleasant pink bundles along the roads and parks as a sign of starting again. Renewal. Things that Monika, frankly, didn't like. It was hard enough to start at all, but starting over was an even worse pain in her eyes.

"Think… that's… everything!" Sayori huffed as she finally slammed the trunk shut and rested against it with her back leaning against the bumper. "I totally should've packed less, but hey, at least I won't have to buy clothes in Tokyo! Considering I hear everything is more expensive over there, that's probably for the best." With a giggle she strolled from the back towards where Monika stood, unmoving. She faced the taxi with grim determination, because that was all she could muster. Natsuki and Yuri stood behind her, smiling with pride, but their eyes still showed the heartbreak that came with a situation like this. A parting.

"How long will it take you to get there, anyway?" Natsuki asked. With her hands in her pockets, Monika guessed she was trying to act casual when in reality she was doing everything not to break down. It was supposed to be a happy event after all. Monika didn't feel like breaking down, she just felt lost. Sayori frowned and and thought for a moment before pulling out a ticket and peering down at it.

"So, the bullet train says it's supposed to arrive there in four hours, so probably around three then. Oh, unless there's a time-zone difference. Is there a time-zone difference?" Yuri shook her head in response, but said nothing. It was clear they were trying to give Monika an attempt to speak, but what was she supposed to say that hadn't already been said? What could be said that would make a difference? This wasn't some last minute attempt at getting her to stay; running to the train station and calling out her name through the throngs of people to stop her from leaving, like some kind of dramatic romance movie. This was just goodbye. Again.

Sayori seemed to sense that Monika was struggling, as she stepped forward with one hand over the other and smiled softly up at Monika who could not bear to raise her eyes from her feet. She tilted her head to meet Monika's eyes, and like they had been a hundred times before, Monika's eyes felt compelled to lock with Sayori's.

"Hey." She said softly. "It's different this time. This isn't like before where Mom gave me an ultimatum, we're not being forced apart." Monika could not bring herself to agree, but Sayori continued. "Come on… cheer up, coffee-girl. We get to say goodbye on our own terms this time."

"Your terms, you mean." Monika hadn't meant to sound so bitter, but she couldn't hold it in anymore. It wasn't fair that she had to say goodbye again. It wasn't fair she was left alone, again. This was always the outcome, whether it was a reality, a mother, or a university on the other side of the 's smile was sad, but it didn't diminish the hope that was so bright in her eyes that Monika could practically see them. For some reason, that just hurt more.

You want her to be upset, to feel hopeless? She told herself silently. Maybe it is for the best she's leaving if that's how you feel. Just be happy for her.

I just… want to be worth staying around for, for once. I just want to be enough. She sighed aloud, and thankfully Sayori's voice busted her from her thoughts like a prisoner from a jail cell, but her shackles remained.

"You don't need me anymore, Moni." Sayori whispered, a voice so gentle that would soon be gone. She squeezed Monika's hand for what Monika knew would be the final time. "It's time you go live your life, the one you fought so hard for. All that time in the void, in the game… you wanted freedom. We both did. So, go be free, okay? You deserve it." It sounded like encouragement, but to Monika it just felt like a death sentence. "Go on, be free. If not for yourself, then for me?"

And just like that, Sayori's hand left hers, and behind her she could hear Natsuki and Yuri bidding her farewell. The sound of feet against the pavement met her ears, but she couldn't see through the tears welling up in her eyes. The sound of a taxi door opening.

Wait…

A sharp Slam! as the taxi door closed.

"N-no, stop…"

An engine roaring to life and the blurry mess of colors that Monika knew was the taxi pulling away.

"Don't go! No no no, please! Don't!"

Her eyes opened to the plaster ceiling of her apartment above her, fuzzy and distorted from sleep as the warmth of her blankets tried to gently lull her into being awake. She blinked once. Twice. Her breath was calm, her body relaxed, but her eyes were wet and she tried to raise her hand up to brush away the leftover tears of her dream, but something was already in it. She turned her head to see Sayori knelt on the floor beside her air mattress, holding her hand in her own with a worried look baring down at her.

For a moment neither of them spoke; Sayori relinquished Monika's hand the moment she had pulled on it, allowing her to wipe the wetness away. Once she had cleared her eyes, Sayori spoke to her.

"Hey," She greeted softly, "You alright? You were whimpering… I came over to shake you awake but, I couldn't get you to. So I just kinda, held your hand to try to calm you down." Her eyes stared at Monika almost apologetically, and every fiber in her being told her to ask- no, beg for Sayori to do it again. To take her hand and once more and calm her, tell her everything would be alright. To rub her thumb alongside the top of her hand just as they had once before. God, why was she like this? "Hey, you're crying again, what happened? Do you want to talk about it?"

Monika shook her head, wiping her eyes again. This was getting ridiculous. "You know, it's really hard to get over you when you do stuff like that." She muttered, the bitter voice from her dream returning to her. If Sayori had looked apologetic before, she looked like her conscience had been downright assaulted now. Her mouth gaped open and her hands retracted back towards her chest where her fingers curled inwards, unsure of what to do with them now. Monika could have pulled her hair out; what was she doing? This wasn't like her. The her from before she had dated Sayori, perhaps, but she knew better now. The dream had thrown her emotions for a loop more than they already were.

"Sorry, you're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna shower." Sayori murmured. She stood from where she was kneeling on the floor and immediately turned around to go towards the bathroom, leaving Monika with the lasting image of her walking away. Judging from the fact that she was still in her sleep shorts and nightshirt, along with the fact that she hadn't grabbed any clothes, Monika assumed she had retreated to save face. She felt very much like doing the same. With a sigh, she instead crawled off of the air mattress and instead began pulling her own clothes on, hoping beyond hope that she could say something right for once in her life.

After getting dressed and brushing her hair using a small mirror in the kitchen, Monika stopped by the bathroom and knocked gently on the door. "Uh, hey… you in there?"

Oh Jesus Christ, where the hell else would she be?

"Yeah, I'm here." Her voice was muffled by the sound of the shower running, but to Monika's relief she didn't sound bitter. The tone of her voice wasn't exactly cheerful, and if Monika knew Sayori half as well as she thought she did, she figured she was probably in the shower beating herself up over what had happened.

You're a big girl now, you're not the dumb little dog that kept biting people. Use your words, not your teeth. You've grown, and so has she.

"Look, I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that, at least not in that way." She began, desperately searching for the right words inside of her head, but it was like flailing around in the dark. "I appreciate that you care, and I mean, I want you to care, but sometimes you do things that make me think you… you know, care more than you actually do. I'm trying to respect your privacy and make sure you're comfortable, without getting my hopes up, but I keep… wanting things. N-not like that, I mean like, I keep wanting to see things that aren't really there. It's hard, and confusing with us living like this, and- look, could we talk about this? Please?" She didn't want to admit how badly this was affecting her, and she knew she just wasn't explaining it right.

For a moment the only sound was that of the shower water slapping against the tiled floor, followed by the sound of what sounded like the shampoo falling.

"Dang it, uh… look, can we talk after the appointment? Please?" Sayori said no more, leaving Monika to stare blankly at her bathroom door for a few moments before finally turning away. She had been scared to bring it up, and this was exactly why. Now things were awkward, tense even. She hurriedly slung on her coat, not bothering to grab breakfast as she stuffed the cookbook into her purse and reached to open the door. For a brief second she considered calling back to let Sayori know she was leaving, but something told her she might not get a response back, and things were awkward back. Despite this, she spoke aloud just softly enough that nobody could hear.

"Be back soon." And just like that the door closed leaving the apartment and Sayori behind her, and the rest of the world before her. She tucked her hands into her pockets with a shiver and quickly began her walk towards the library, wondering why on earth things had to be so difficult. She just wanted to talk, what was so hard about that? Then again, she could hardly blame Sayori for wanting to avoid that kind of conversation. It felt like the both of them secretly wanted and despised the idea of that kind of intimate conversation, or maybe that was just wishful thinking on her part. Hoping Sayori felt any sort of way she did.

Sayori was even invading her dreams now; when would this stop? When she got an answer? What if she didn't? How was she supposed to deal with living with Sayori when they were separate, when every second around her was just another reminder that they weren't together. It wasn't like she was mad or anything, Sayori had every right to do as she pleased, and Monika had offered the apartment willingly. But was she just supposed to swallow her discomfort and her feelings? That probably would've been the noble and unselfish thing to do, she had cashed all of her selfish points in when she had deleted herself after all.

She's going back to therapy today, for the first time in years to try and give herself some help, and what do you do? Make it all about yourself, because you had a stupid dream. Maybe you should just try to stop and calm down, you just woke up, you're emotionally stressed, and already out the door? Everything was fine until you started worrying about Sayori for no reason.

That wasn't too far off, Monika considered. They had both only been awake for a short time, and it wasn't a surprise that Sayori was on edge from the looming therapy session. She would have been beside herself if she had been faced with the task of trying to convey to someone how she felt, why she felt the way she did. Shifting aside the lies she told herself to make her feel better to try and find the root of her problems, all to someone who was essentially a stranger. To be able to face that kind of hurdle, Monika had nothing but respect for her best friend. She still regretted that Sayori had had her memories of the game thrust back into her head, but in truth she would always be thankful that she had someone who already understood how she felt.

The library wasn't too far from the school, and in turn, her apartment thankfully. It sat between the city hall and the skatepark, and across the street Monika could see the convenience store where they had first walked after Sayori had arrived at the shelter. That all seemed like so long ago, ages even, but the truth was she hadn't even been around in this world for a year. She hadn't even crossed the six-month threshold yet, and yet so much had happened. Learning to love, forgetting to hate, rising and falling, confiding and lying. Her life was so many things, and she knew that there were a hundred thousand things she had yet to experience.

But was it wrong that sometimes people made those experiences into something better?

The library was thankfully warm, enough so that Monika unwrapped her scarf as she approached the front desk where the librarian was currently hunched over, the sound of them shuffling books being the only sound to break the tranquil peace of the library. Monika reached down to pull the cookbook from her purse, but when she turned back to the counter she found herself meeting Yuri with an equal level of surprise as the two jumped slightly in recognition.

"Woah- hey! I wasn't expecting to see you here." Monika said with a smile. Yuri looked almost embarrassed at being recognized, rubbing the back of her head as she sunk into her seat and nodded.

"M-Monika, so good to see you, and what a surprise as well." Yuri took a few seconds to gather herself before smiling a little wider and crossing her hands over the desk. "I started working here a few weeks back, right before Sayori came back actually. It isn't much but it helps keep money in my pocket for food and other things, that way not everything is on Ichiro. I keep telling him he can return to university, but he says he enjoys the online classes far more." She shrugged and reached for the cookbook, scanning it and depositing it into the stack of books behind her gently. "I apologize for not mentioning it sooner, it simply hasn't come up."

"No, you're good. I remember you mentioning starting work here back during the holidays, actually. Natsuki at your house?" As if on cue, a swivel chair came sliding out of the backroom, a familiar blur of pink hair spinning into view as she clutched two books tightly to her chest.

"Thought I heard your voice droning away back here" Natsuki greeted, she scooted up to the counter with her good leg while Yuri gave her a dark look and her jaw clenched. Natsuki, seemingly unaware of this, handed the two books to Yuri. "Found 'em. They were in your restriction section, like I said they would be. The twelfth and eighteenth volumes had a lot of backlash because of the smut, but man there is so much character development that goes on here! Waterloo Oven is easily the best arc, I can't believe they'd butcher a whole volume of it because of-"

"I believe, Natsuki, that I had told you to stay out here in the main room?" Yuri asked, her voice so soft that Monika could hear her teeth grinding together. "I have no qualms with bringing you to my work, but you cannot just wander freely merely because you are with me. Just, next time wait until I am free and I will grab them for you." With a smile of endearment that betrayed her frustration, she turned back to Monika and motioned towards the rest of the library. "My apologies, are you planning on checking anything else out today? Or… is everything alright? You look a little glum."

Monika cursed herself for wearing her thoughts so openly, and waved a hand away. "Oh, no, it's all good. Just in a hurry, taking Sayori to an appointment. I'll see you two later." She had barely turned around when a thought crossed her mind, something Sayori had told her in the remains of an old house beside a computer screen.

You're not alone anymore.

"Actually," Monika started as she turned back to face the others, "I uh, I could use some advice. If you have a minute that is, I'd hate to interrupt your work, or your reading." She motioned towards each of them respectively, but Yuri shook her head immediately while Natsuki snorted and scooted the chair closer to the desk to cross her arms.

"I'm more than ahead, I do not think a few minutes of time to give a good friend advice will affect my progress in the slightest."

"Oh no, social interaction to interrupt the constantly dormant and self-entertaining lifestyle I've had to live for the past two months. What a tragedy."

Monika raised an eyebrow at Natsuki, crossing her own arms at the smug grin she was receiving. It was almost amusing how different her friends were now that they were under the same roof; but at least they were happier. Since she still had some time before Sayori's appointment, and because she knew the questions would sit in front of her mind for the rest of the day if she didn't speak them, she decided to share her concerns. She told them of her and Sayori's breakup, of their agreement to always be there for one another, of their decision to not return to their relationship and why (Though she couldn't give all the details given the nature of the memories that not all of them shared.) along with the recent awkwardness between the two.

Yuri, as always, was an excellent listener and said nothing until Monika was finished. Natsuki was expressive as always, cocking her brow and making little noises to signify an input, only to be shushed by Yuri. When she had finished, she let out a deep breath and looked back up at her friends. It felt good to get it out, but now she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear what they had to say, if anything. What if they didn't know what to do? Yuri looked between Natsuki and Monika for a moment, ready to speak her piece when Natsuki snorted and swirled in her swivel chair.

"Psh, can't believe you went to that bit- big uh, jerk. That big jerk before us. Like, dude, you have our numbers." She huffed.

"That aside," Yuri muttered, "I think there is no denying that you and Sayori have a very deep bond. You have both been through so much together, but… well, it sounds like what she experienced in her camp might have greatly affected her. It's admirable, truly, that you care so deeply for her, but I think perhaps it might be beneficial to focus on yourself during this time." Yuri was placing her words gently, but if anything it just made Monika more anxious. "She has asked for a boundary, and you have to respect that. If living with her is proving to be too challenging, you might want to discuss other living arrangements-"

"Woah woah, pump the brakes." Natsuki interrupted, raising her hands up. "This is Sayori we're talking about, and weren't you the one who told me that love is always worth it? Wouldn't this be the best time to go in and show you're there for her? No school friends, no mom, she's probably lonely as heck dude." She looked between Yuri and Monika, a request for validation evident in her eye, but Monika only shook her head.

"I also said that love was complicated." Monika countered. She remembered the bedside conversation she had shared with Natsuki, and she was surprised her words had actually struck a chord with her friend. Natsuki shook her head and crossed her arms, evidently stewing about something until she finally huffed and reached over towards Yuri, interlocking their fingers and holding them for Monika to see. It was impressive how many shades Yuri's face could turn in the course of three seconds.

"Natsukiwhatthefuckareyoudoing-"

"Love is stupid and complicated, and it's a risk, right? That's what you told me." Natsuki's voice was even and firm while Yuri was looking around in a panic as if the library was packed to the brim with potential witnesses. "I'm not saying invade her personal space, but you sound like you're already giving up, like you've already accepted the fact you won't ever be together again. You don't know that, dude. Take the risk. You said she would talk to you about all of this after the appointment, right? That right there should be a good sign that there's hope at all."

Yuri sighed and finally unclenched her hand from Natsuki's, her face having finally decided on a flattering shade of scarlet. "Yes, and speaking of invading personal space." She shot a glare at Natsuki who seemed to realize she had overstepped a boundary and suddenly became very interested in her restricted manga books. With a sigh and a distinct lack of eye contact, Yuri turned back to face Monika. "I do not mean to sound so dire, merely that you both seem to have experienced a lot. Perhaps, if your infatuation has been so obvious, she might be wondering if you can handle being on your own. I-I mean that, she might want you to prioritize yourself above her for once. Your ambitions, your dreams, your life, because she very well may be prioritizing herself for once as well."

"Yeah, that's… fair." Natsuki chimed in awkwardly. "Finding stability and happiness, all that fun stuff, by yourself? It's pretty vital for when you need to find all that together with someone else, you know?" Monika smiled at the way they were awkwardly avoiding one another's eyes, and that each of their cheeks had become tinted the more they spoke. She didn't think it was a coincidence that their hands were angled towards the other's behind the counter. "I think it's pretty obvious you still care for her, so it's not like you can make her uncomfortable by admitting it, she knows. Just, discuss it."

Monika nodded, but a silent fear that had been nagging at the back of her head broke through her lips before she could silence it. "What if… what if she finds someone else? What if she brings someone back and I have to see them in the apartment?" She looked on at her friends despairingly, but rather than giving her somber looks or suggesting that she find acceptance in the fact, both girls began to break out in very quiet snorts and giggles, much to Monika's surprise. "Wh-what? Hey, I'm serious!"

"There- there is no way you're serious." Natsuki managed as her laughs turned into a small fit of coughs. As she covered her mouth to remain at the proper volume, Yuri took her place while patting her gently on the back.

"M-Monika, forgive me. I do not mean to laugh-"

"I do!"

"-but you really mustn't allow irrational fears to overwhelm you. This is Sayori that we speak of, and I cannot imagine the most emotionally keen and overwhelmingly considerate person that I have ever met do such a thing to her worst enemy, unconsciously or on purpose. Much less someone that she cares for so deeply." Monika opened her mouth to argue but Yuri cocked an eyebrow at her and gave her a look so firm that she was reminded terribly of Ms. Fujita and her hawk-like glare. "And she does care about you, do not even speak those words into existence, Monika, you know better. Even if you two do not get back together, and I am not saying you will or will not, remember what I told you that you would still stand to gain in losing a relationship."

Monika took in a deep breath, let it out, and nodded. She was right of course, a part of Monika knew she was being utterly silly and letting ideas of the worst creep into her head and affect her expectations. She was being silly, and not just silly, but obsessive and self-destructive. Those weren't traits anyone would want in a friend, much less a partner. They weren't traits she wanted in herself. It wasn't as though Sayori had done anything to suggest she planned to distance herself either, hadn't she asked Monika to come with her? Hadn't she expressed that she wanted her there for someone to understand all the things that couldn't be said to a therapist? Sayori trusted her, and she needed to trust in Sayori.

"You're right- you usually are, ahaha. Thank you, both of you." Monika bowed her head to her friends and jabbed a thumb behind her towards the entrance. "I'm gonna head out, I need to get back so we can head off for her appointment. I'll talk to you two later, enjoy your shift Yuri, don't let Natsuki distract you too much. Or, do. Whichever makes you happier." With a knowing smirk and a wink she turned to leave, looking back with a giggle on her breath as she saw Yuri stuck between gesturing wildly while calling Monika back to deny her suggestions, and following the societal expectations of such a peaceful environment. The result was a Yuri quietly stewing in her seat, her mouth opening and closing several times as her cheeks grew redder and her fingers twitched and flexed.

The walk back home was quick, but long enough for her to readily embrace the warmth of their apartment once she stepped inside. As she went to unlock the door, she heard something that almost sounded like music from inside that quickly cut out the moment she pulled out her keys. There was a small yelp from inside that was undoubtedly her roommate, followed by hurried footsteps and a crashing noise from the other side of the door.

"Sayori?" Monika called, trying to hurry as she fumbled with the lock.

"J-Just a second, sorry!" Sayori called from inside. The crack in her voice would have been funny had Monika not been so concerned, and when she finally managed to get the door open she found Sayori sitting in her bean bag chair that sat across from the television. Her hair was a mess and her cheeks were tinted ever so slightly as she attempted giving Monika an innocuous smile that only instilled the opposite feeling. A blanket was lying haphazardly over her legs as though she was hiding something, and Monika wondered with a horrible jolt if she had just walked in on Sayori doing something intimate.

Her own cheeks were lighting up, she could feel them warming up like little personal space heaters, or warning sirens visible to all around that she was having less than honorable assumptions. Before Sayori could greet her she made a beeline for their bathroom and said something that came out as, "Whoopgottapeemoveit!" and shut the door firmly behind her. She didn't know if she had walked in on something private, it could've been something completely innocent for all she knew. Perhaps it was even her brain just seeing what it wanted to, but the one thing she was sure of was she wasn't going to let this little incident drive a wedge between them even further.

After a minute of sitting on the toilet, giving Sayori time to properly cool down and adjust herself if needed, she stepped back out with her own cheeks significantly less red, much to her relief. Sayori still sat in her beanbag, the television having been turned on and a cup of hot chocolate now sitting in her hands as she watched the screen. She turned and waved to Monika, who felt herself smiling like the idiot she was as she waved back. All this time and just a simple wave could melt her; she really was a sap.

"Hey, was the library bathroom closed or something?" Sayori asked. Monika stared at her for a moment, confused, before remembering she had pretended to have to use the bathroom. She reached over for the coffee maker and began setting her up a cup, checking the clock as she did so.

"Uh, yeah. I mean- no, I knew I had to go. I just thought I could make it since it wasn't too far. Last time I make that mistake." Monika smiled as the smell of java began to fill the air, clashing beautifully with the peppery smell of cinnamon that came from Sayori's usual perfume.

"Yeah, that's what I kept telling myself when I was waiting until in-between class periods to go to the bathroom." Sayori laughed, that beautiful lighthearted laugh that Monika knew so well. "Don't be like me!" As Monika rolled her eyes and leaned against the corner wall, watching the show out of the corner of her eye while sipping her coffee, she couldn't help but feel like this was how it was supposed to be. Laughing, living their regular mundane lives while making coffee and watching television, doing all of the things people took for granted and relishing each second because only they knew what it was like to go without such normalities. The tension from earlier was gone, replaced only by the warm embrace of a sleepy winter Saturday, and for a few minutes they did naught but enjoy the quiet. The nothing. There was an almost hidden beauty in this kind of nothingness.

Finally Monika glanced back at the clock and finished off her coffee, setting her cup in the sink for later. "Ready to go?" She asked as Sayori yawned and kicked the blanket off of her feet. She was dressed in culottes and her father's old jacket, which partly covered a dark long sleeve shirt with vibrant streaks cutting across the middle, and while everything about her display was understandably uneven or informal, Monika's orange bow was the only thing carefully attached with intent and purpose, though it was practically lost amongst her bed head. Monika smiled as she walked over and gently ran a hand through it.

"Getting a bit long, isn't it?" She was only teasing, though there was no denying the back had indeed grown long enough that it reached her shoulders. Physical growth still intrigued her after living without it. Monika could feel Sayori lean into her hand for a split second before shrugging and standing from her spot.

"Yeah, I probably need to cut it, but cutting it is work. I don't even feel like brushing it. Might as well let the therapist see me as me instead of trying to pretend I'm a normal person, right?" She turned to give Monika a half-hearted smile, years of exhaustion peeking out from behind her eyes that had built up from too many silent days spent in bed. Too many days of not wanting to eat, of not feeling good enough for anyone, not even herself. Monika took her by the shoulder and brought her in for a half-hug; somehow it was easier to do these types of things under the name of friendship.

"Come on, goober. Let me comb it for you and we'll head out, alright? Maybe we can get some fast food on the way back, if you want some." Monika steered Sayori into the bathroom to help comb her hair, and within moments they were sitting beside each other in the back of a cab as they drove into the inner parts of the city. There wasn't a lot of traffic out, and for a few minutes Monika simply stared out of the window and took in the world she was a part of. A world that she was a part of only because of Sayori refusing to give up on her, even when she was ready to give up on herself.

As they entered into the city, Monika turned to Sayori to see that her fingers were intertwining in her lap over and over again as she stared out into the street. Sensing that she was still fighting her nerves, Monika decided to break the silence with a question.

"So, I take it by the fact that we're doing this at all that you've been keeping up with your mom like she wanted?" She asked casually. Sayori nodded, but her grim expression remained. "Were you able to convince her about all of the horrible things they did at that camp? I figured you at least got her to take your mental health a bit more seriously if she's willing to pay for your counseling bill." Sayori did smile at that, but it wasn't a proud or joyous smile, it was more of one that was filled with resignation and acceptance. With a hum, her eyes flicked over towards Monika though she remained propped against the window.

"Not quite." She gave a hollow sort of laugh and thought for a moment before continuing. "You're expecting a bit too much out of my mom, then. I think sometimes, empathy can be a bit too much to hope for with certain types of people. She's pretty determined to see it her way; the less she accepts as true, the less she has to blame herself for, after all." Monika wasn't quite sure how to respond at first, it was an unfortunately realistic outcome for Sayori's mother. She had known that changing people was hard, especially someone as beholden to their beliefs as Ms. Moriyama, but that didn't mean she gave up the hope that one day she could be supportive and understanding of the wonderful person her daughter had turned into.

Begrudging acceptance would have to do for the time being.

"So, is her paying for this her way of apologizing then? Or just appeasement?" Monika asked. Sayori smirked and gave a half shrug. They were almost at the other end of the city now. "I uh, I remember everything originally starting because you didn't want to be a burden on your parents because of therapy expenses."

"Mm, I think a bit of both. Those types of camps are really really expensive as is, so we came to an agreement that some of the money she'd save from not sending me to camp and not having to take care of me could be put towards therapy. With a few rules that she wasn't exactly keen on, but I made very good arguments. I may not like people normally spending effort or money on me, but I'd much rather it go to waste on me than on horrible places like that." She smiled at Monika more genuinely now, their eyes meeting for the splittest of seconds. Monika raised an eyebrow.

"Rules?"

"Ehe, yeeeeah. You'll see. We're almost there." Her smile faded into something that was a bit more anxious, and both Sayori and Monika peered over the seats to see the office that sat on a corner between an apartment complex and a legal firm. The cab slowly pulled over to the curb, and Monika opened her door to step outside. Bitter February air greeted as she swerved around the back of the cab to reach the sidewalk, and she caught Sayori counting out her cash to give to the driver as she had insisted on paying, given it was her appointment.

Don't do anything weird, just be here to support her. You can do that, don't go super out of the way for anything, don't hold her hand unless she asks for it, don't be romantic, just be normal old Monika. Easy.

Monika opened the back door of the cab just in time for Sayori to step out as she tucked away her purse. Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment before turning to Monika and smiling widely at her in a familiar manner that told her it was a genuine Sayori smile. The best kind.

God dammit.

Together they marched up the steps into the building with a small metal sign that read, "Sakaguchi, Aya Ph.D" and Monika stopped to peer at it for a second. Surely it had to be a coincidence, what were the actual odds? With a shake of the head, Monika ushered them inside and closed the glass door behind them. The sitting room was both quiet and empty, except for a man in his mid-twenties sitting behind an oaken desk. He glanced up at the both of them and adjusted his glasses, smiling at their approach. Sayori turned and held a hand up gently for Monika to stop, giving her a sheepish smile as she did so.

"Hey, I uh, I got this. Just hold back for a second, okay?" And with that she skipped off to the front desk and began speaking to the receptionist in hushed tones. Monika waited patiently, occasionally hearing a soft, "Yes." or a, "That works!" from Sayori. At one point the receptionist turned and motioned towards Monika with a pen, and Sayori nodded hurriedly. Was she trying to get permission for Monika to accompany her? Suddenly Monika felt a little uneasy, as though she were intruding on something private. After a moment however Sayori returned back to Monika and gently motioned for her to follow towards the door on the right.

"Everything's set. You coming?" She asked. And with that Monika followed Sayori into what she could only describe as her ideal living room. A cream loveseat sat in the corner beside a window where sunlight seeped in through bamboo blinds, a dark wooden coffee table separated the couch from a single comfortable looking armchair. There were plants on little end tables like peace lilies and a ficus that sat between the loveseat and the window, and Monika could recognize the smell of lavender in the air from Yuri's frequent use of aromatherapy. Shelves full of knick-knacks and what Monika suspected to be self help books lined the opposite side of the room. Sayori seemed to enjoy the room too, as Monika could feel her eyes zooming around taking in everything around them.

In the armchair there sat a woman who looked to be around Ms. Moriyama's age, though crows feet and flecks of gray around the hair at her temples hadn't quite robbed her of a youthful look. Her hair was a chestnut in color and she smiled warmly at their arrival with moss colored eyes that welcomed them in. Everything about her radiated hospitality, like an aunt who only showed up during the holidays, but more professionally.

"Ms. Moriyama, Ms. Monika, I'm glad to see you both here. I'm Dr. Sakaguchi, but feel free to call me Ms. Sakaguchi or just 'Aya' if that feels more comfortable for you. Please, take a seat, would either of you care for a cup of tea before we start?" Dr. Sakaguchi motioned towards the loveseat with one hand and a small kitchen-like counter that sat behind her with the other. "Would you prefer to start together, or one at a time?"

Monika held up her hands and quickly said, "Oh, I'm actually just here to support Sayori. I don't-" And then she stopped suddenly, a realization quickly blossoming within her mind as she slowly turned to look at Sayori who suddenly looked nothing short of absolutely sheepish. Everything popped into place. Monika breathed through her nose and crossed her arms, while Sayori tapped the edge of her fingers together in a manner she had no doubt donned a hundred times before.

"I thought that I was coming here to support you." Monika muttered under her breath. Sayori pouted and looked back at her with pleading eyes Monika was determined not to give in to.

"You are. I can't do this by myself, but we both know you can't either. You never would've agreed to come for your own benefit, and you need this. We both need this. Don't you dare try and tell me we don't." She subtly held her hand out between the two of them so that only Monika could see, and as Monika looked down at her outstretched hand she knew that Sayori was right. She would never have been able to justify seeking help for herself. "Please. This isn't you helping me, or me helping you. Let's get help together." And after a moment of hard stares, with a reluctant sigh of defeat, Monika took Sayori's hand once more as they stepped over and sat down beside one another on the loveseat.

Dr. Sakaguchi smiled at them both, standing up from her chair and pouring three cups of tea that she brought over. As she made her way back, Monika couldn't stop herself from asking a question.

"Excuse me, Dr. Sakaguchi, you aren't related to the same Dr. Sakaguchi who works at Kikyomon Hospital, are you?" Dr. Sakaguchi smiled and nodded at Monika's question, pointing to a picture on her shelf of two children with their arms over the other's shoulders, with the boy holding a fishing pole and the girl struggling underneath the weight of a recently caught fish.

"That's us up there, we were about ten, I'd say. You'd be surprised how often we get the same patients here in Yakumo, I always say that Akira does such a terrible job operating that I have to help clean up the poor things after he's done with them." She gave a soft chuckle and shook her head, peering a little closer at Monika. "Might I ask, what led to you having to see him at the hospital?" Monika suddenly felt a lump in her throat as she thought back to waking in the hospital with the back of her thigh swollen in pain, and a gash across the top of her hand. A gash that had left a scar she could still see.

It hadn't gotten easier, talking about that day. All the things that led up to it and everything that had happened afterwards - she could make references and acknowledge it, but describing it made her feel gross inside. She balled her fists up against her legs and looked sadly over to Sayori. Sayori smiled sweetly at her and nodded, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Well, we were both in the hospital, Sayori and I… we had fallen into the river because she um, she had… well-"

"I was considering ending my life." Sayori interjected gently. "Maybe it would be better if we started a little earlier than that? There's a lot to get out, and if we try to rush it'll probably just confuse ourselves and get lost, right? Mom's not just paying for one session, she's going to be paying for them all. So just relax, and we'll try and start somewhere a little earlier and make sense of it all; mine goes back pretty far after all, ehehe."

"But- how are we supposed to… how are we supposed to make sense of what we've been through?" Monika asked desperately. How did one explain the game? Or the murder of her friends who were currently all alive and well? "There's nobody who has had a situation like us, and all the ways we're messed up in the head and- and-" At this Dr. Sakaguchi interjected, her voice calm but direct in how she gathered their attention.

"If I might, Ms. Monika. It's very common for those who suffer from mental illness or trauma to feel that due to the unique circumstances that led to their respective reason for coming here, but inside many of us hurt in similar ways." She took a clipboard and a pen from the table, motioning for permission from the girls who both nodded as she began writing notes along it. "A physically abused house-husband might feel that his situation is too unheard of for him to receive help, or even a public speaker who suffers social anxiety and believes that having worked their job for twenty years should negate this fact. These people have what we might consider unique situations, but that doesn't mean they are any less capable of being heard at least, correct?"

Monika thought about it for a second, and gave a half-shrug. Dr. Sakaguchi smiled as though she had expected such an answer and motioned for both girls to continue speaking. "I'll tell you what. If it helps, you can explain your situation in any way that you feel will make the most sense to me. Comparisons and substitutes, if you will. In time perhaps we can reach exactly what you find so hard to convey, but until then we can try and focus on the effect those events had on you, rather than what they were or why they happened. Does that make sense?" Monika liked that idea a whole lot more, and nodded as Sayori smiled at her out of the corner of her eye.

"Excellent. In that case, I'm sure both of you have quite a lot to say given what I've heard already." She clapped her hands together and motioned towards Sayori, who suddenly looked a lot more shy to be in the spotlight. "You said that your problems stem back the furthest, Sayori; would you like to try and start at the beginning?" In a taste of her own medicine, Sayori suddenly looked at a loss for words until Monika nodded encouragingly from beside her. It would take a while before either of them could really open up about everything that had happened to them, but Monika had the feeling that by taking this leap together that they were doing something that until now neither one of them had ever done in regards to their mental health. They were making a start.

"I uh, well…" Sayori ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath that lasted a couple of seconds. Both Dr. Sakaguchi and Monika understood she was building her courage, and gave her time to decide on exactly what she needed to say. "It started when I was about twelve years old, and my parents and I discovered that I suffered from depression…"

---

The day was still young when Monika and Sayori left Dr. Sakaguchi's office, and after such a tense and emotionally draining experience (though not a negative one), both girls agreed to spend the afternoon part of their Saturday decompressing and enjoying themselves. They stopped for lunch and enjoyed the taste of wildly unhealthy fast-food, with Sayori demolishing a burger that contained shrimp and soybeans and Monika eating her fries as they discussed trivial things like they hadn't in ages. Monika briefly mentioned Natsuki and Yuri's less than subtle reaction to holding hands, though she didn't specify what they had been talking about to cause such a reaction. Sayori was ecstatic.

"They know we know they're into each other, right?"

"Probably, but they're both too proud to say it outright. I think they'll just ease into things a bit and we can do our part by not acting surprised. Which, admittedly, shouldn't be too hard."

"We should get them to kiss. Oooooh my gosh, Moni, Valentine's Day is literally right around the corner and-"

"Say, no."

At the end of their session, Dr. Sakaguchi had suggested that they consider seeing a psychiatrist so that they could be properly diagnosed as in her own words, "I suspect the both of you would benefit greatly from receiving proper medical attention in regards to dealing with the psychological burdens you suffer from." and told them she would be writing them each a referral for just that. Which meant they would have to go somewhere else on another day just for someone to decide whether they needed prescriptions to deal with their own heads, something Monika thought aggravating at best.

After returning home and impressing Sayori with the progress she had made on her video game ("You got that far in one night?! That was months and months of work for me as a kid, Moni!") Sayori said her goodbyes as she departed for her half-time shift at the convenience store, leaving Monika alone for the rest of the afternoon. She didn't have school of course, and she happened to be off on this particular Saturday. That gave her several hours until Sayori came back home, and they would be forced to finally talk about the future. Monika felt jitters in her stomach despite the fact that she had hours to prepare herself. Even after all this time, talking was still the most terrifying thing for Monika.

She knew she shouldn't bother Sayori while she was at work, and she didn't feel like intruding on Yuri or Natsuki's Saturday any more than she already had. She considered playing more of Sayori's video game, but she felt like doing something a little more productive. Instead she decided to take a walk, as if she hadn't done plenty of it already in the frigid weather no less, but she knew that winter was reaching its end at last and this may be her final chance at walking alone in the chilling cold, with just her thoughts. Something about it simply felt right. And so, she took her coat and scarf and decided to simply walk.

The cold greeted her, but it didn't repress her. She tucked herself into the comfort of her scarf and continued walking. She passed by the school and the woods where she and Natsuki had been forced to try and beat one another.

Now, she's getting the chance to live peacefully, albeit with the burdens of what's happened. But you know, this isn't a terrible outcome for her, Monika thought as she waited at a crosswalk. She has a home where she's loved, where she gets to be a regular kid for what's left of her already fading childhood. Food, shelter, love, family. You played a part in that.

"Eh, I didn't do much. The road to her recovery is going to be long and arduous, I'm sure." Monika shrugged. The Monika that was walking beside her wasn't dressed as well for the cold, with a familiar blue and white sweater and black jeans and a soft but hesitant smile on her face as though she was afraid of hurting her own feelings. Was that what she had looked like back then? They continued on in quiet silence for a moment before coming across Sayori's old neighborhood, the ruined and desolate house where they had eachother lying just within view towards the end of the lane.

She remembered Halloween night, where they had all dressed up and attempted a normal night of youthful fun. She remembered having to walk with Yuri and discussing her ham-fisted attempts at confessing her feelings to Sayori, all the while Yuri encouraged her to be upfront and make use of the time she had. If someone had told her that the same Yuri who had been too scared to initially join their club would become one of the most supportive and upfront individuals that she knew, she would've called them a dirty liar.

And now, she's gotten better at speaking that her stutter is almost gone. She has a family again, something that was yanked out of her grasp, and even someone to care for and focus her energy into. You used to think of her as forgettable, but she's making her mark by helping her brother and getting a job. The other Monika smiled imploringly at her as they continued on down the street. You'll never have a friend as supportive and caring as her, and you know it.

"Doesn't mean all of her problems are gone, you know." Monika countered as the smell of warm foods from vendor stalls on the other side of the street enticed her. She settled for a nice coffee from the vending machine nearby, still full from lunch. "She probably still self-harms, even if it's not as much, and there's always the chance of something else going wrong." And still the two of them carried on.

Monika passed several landmarks she recognized; the park where Sayori had told her she and her childhood friend had played as children, the creek she had vomited into after yelling at Sayori, and of course just down the street at the furthest end she could see the Helping-Hands Shelter where so many things had happened. She had been hugged by Sayori, her first real instance of physical contact ever. She had confessed to Sayori that she had hurt someone, unknowing at the time that it was her she spoke of. The two of them had eaten, showered, and fallen asleep beside each other day after day there. Sayori, Sayori, Sayori.

Monika sighed and leaned against a lamppost that was already flickering as the sun began to set. She had almost forgotten how early dusk came now. "I don't know what to do with her, you know. I want to respect her space and her comfort, but the thought of never going back to what we were scares me. How do I say goodbye to what was? I've never been good at goodbyes, but I want her to be happy if she chooses to just remain friends." She glanced at the shade of herself who mirrored her leaning against the lamppost. "I don't know what will happen, but if it does… can we handle that?"

You tell me, her shade told her. I think you're ready to accept that outcome, I think you've been ready. I think you've just convinced yourself that you're always doomed for heartache, but your actions are proof against that. Natsuki, Yuri, Sayori, you've done what you set out to do. Sure, Natsuki is still ill and suffers from her temper, but she's getting better and living a full life. Yuri might still self harm, but you've given her the support and love of friends and family to be there for her when for years nobody was. And Sayori-

"Yeah, I know." Monika sighed with a chuckle. "I gave her hope, and love, and kindness, and all the stuff she secretly wanted. She still suffers from depression, but she's on a path to trying to live a normal life, right?" She didn't need a response from her shade, it was all inside of her own head already anyway. "I guess I never really meant to make their lives perfect, since a life that's perfect isn't really much of a life anyway. And now that everyone else has had their futures set to the straight and narrow, what about me? What's my path now? Where's my damn route, still?" She smirked and looked behind her again, but she was alone in her leaning against the streetlight with only the dim light flickering on above her for company.

Do what you've always tried to do, and go forge it yourself.

Monika thought about all the advice she had heard over the past couple of days, from Himari, to Yuri and Natsuki, to even her own feelings on the matter. Something about conversing with herself had made it all come together in a neat little bow, and she knew that no matter what happened, whether it hurt or comforted her, she would at least be ready for the part that came next. The fear and anticipation she had felt for her and Sayori's talk wasn't gone, but in its place she had grown a layer of determination and acceptance for the future. That was the best part of the future, of a world where there were no routes or paths set in stone, just the constant beat of life that continued forward. Like the words of a story or a poem, placed one after another so that the past was cemented, and the future was always open to something new and unpredictable.

Monika spent a great deal of time wandering around, visiting a few more of her favorite places around town until the night's chill bid her return home, and before she knew it she found herself approaching her apartment. Though she was ready to meet the warmth of her cozy apartment, she remembered that neither of them had thought to check the mail with their early appointment, and so it was that when she opened the box for their apartment she found a single letter. Hey eyebrows raised in surprise, partly because she hadn't actually expected any mail for either of them, and even more so when she realized that it was an official government stamped letter at that. She had just turned it over to pry it open when she reached the door, and heard something behind it.

The sound was soft and muffled, just barely loud enough to slip through the door and reach Monika's ears. At first she thought it might've been the television, but once she pressed her ear up to the door she heard it as plain as day, the rare and wonderful sound that she only heard on a few separate occasions. The sound of Sayori Moriyama singing.

"- you're weary and weak, and you've seen more than you need to see. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself be."

It was wonderful and strange, soft and relaxing. Monika wanted to sit there and listen to it forever, but she knew that there were more important things that needed to be addressed. Maybe, if she was lucky, she'd be able to listen more another time. She opened the door, and as soon as she did so the music died out and the room went quiet. Sayori sat on the edge of her bed in the furthest room, looking up at Monika curiously and a little embarrassed, likely at being caught in the middle of her singing. The door closed, and their eyes met for what felt like ages. Finally, Monika found her voice.

"Hey. I need to talk to you. It can't really wait any longer." Her voice was even despite the trepidation she felt inside of her, and to her surprise Sayori didn't seem caught off guard by her request in the slightest.

"I know." She said simply, laying down her guitar against her pillow. She took a few sheets of paper from the other side of her bed and set them with the guitar, patting the now cleared space beside her. "I'm sorry you walked in on that, I only worked a four-hour shift today and I wasn't sure when you'd be home. But we can talk now, I'm sure it's important if it was bothering you since this morning. You respected me wanting to wait until tonight, so the least I can do is respect your desire to talk."

Without another word, Monika hung up her coat and scarf before stepping into their shared bedroom and sitting along Sayori's bed. It was time. Sayori looked at her patiently, expectantly, and for a second Monika didn't know what to say. Then she thought back to whatever she had been told, what she had told herself on her walk, and knew that all she could say was how she felt. The warmth of her apartment comforted her, and she began.

"I have tried to do the right thing these past few weeks and respect your boundaries and wishes, and I know it's probably selfish of me to even ask these questions to begin with. When you said you didn't want to get back together after you brought me back, it was hard to hear, but I knew it was true. You… have the memories of all the things I did and put you through, who could blame you for not wanting to go back to what we had?" Monika swallowed slightly and took another breath. Sayori must've known she wasn't done, because she waited patiently for her to continue. "Maybe it was wrong of me to pursue a relationship with you when you didn't have any memories, but I… never wanted you to know about any of this. Now you do. And, I knew you needed time to think."

"I think it's obvious my feelings for you are still there. It's there every time your skin brushes mine, or in every smile I give you, and when you look at me and make me feel like I'm the best thing in the world when I think I'm awful." Monika smiled and tried not to let any tears come up, she wanted to be strong for this, to show Sayori that she was strong. "I don't know how you feel. I don't know if you can ever look at me how you did, knowing what you do now. I meant what I said about staying by your side, but it hurts. I can't… I can't hide that it hurts, that I question every action towards you I take and constantly wonder whether I'm overstepping my bounds or if you're letting me and I just… I can't keep doing this."

Sayori looked more concerned now, her brow furrowing as she tried to read through what Monika was saying. "I meant what I said about you living here, what is mine will always be yours. B-but, waking up and not knowing if I'm waiting for a sign that'll never come, or if I need to just take some time away from how close we are as friends, it's killing me. I-I know I'm messed up, and that our history is so, so fucked, but I really do love you, and I need to finally do something for my own interests and ask you whether I need to move on from you or not. If I need to say goodbye to… to that part of our lives, if what I am is enough or not." Monika blinked back her tears, forcing herself to stay strong and focused. Determined on her own future, whether it hurt her or not.

Sayori continued to stare at her for a moment, taking in her words with a solemn look that Monika could not read. Finally she looked down at the ground and let out a deep breath. A moment of silence that lasted forever. Monika didn't stop staring at her roommate, her victim, her best friend, her equal. If she did, she'd never be able to keep her composure. Sayori remained silent in thought for a while longer before clapping her hands against her knees and raising her head. The sad smile on her face, to Monika, spoke volumes.

"I knew this was coming. God… after all this time…" Monika could feel herself losing her composure break and crumble with each word. "You're right, you know. Our history is messed up, we've both got issues mentally that feel like they'll take years and years to begin to fix. And yet, you still don't think you're worth my time? That you're enough?"

Monika shook her head as a sob took control of her body. "No!"

"Then, maybe you should hear the rest of the song you walked in on." Sayori quietly took her guitar off of her pillows and propped it up on her lap, closing her eyes as she took a quiet breath. Monika watched as her fingers spread over the strings, and then after a moment a soft and beautiful noise that she recognized immediately began to pour from Sayori.

"When it's rainy I'll be there.

You're ripped in two

It's not hard to see.

Come inside,

Dry your feet.

When it's storming

I'll be right here.

The two in your brain

I love them the same.

Dry your eyes,

You don't have to worry.

You're enough,

You're enough.

You're no killer, you're no predator,

You're no bad guy, I'm no savior.

You're just you.

Why can't I be just yours?

When it's snowing I'll be your home.

You're weary and weak,

And you've seen more than you need

To see.

Let yourself breathe,

Let yourself be.

You're enough,

You're enough.

You're no bad guy and I'm no savior.

Walk away from the edge,

Come back to me instead.

I'll keep you warm

You'll keep me here.

With a heart made of gold

And the cracks made of stories that you've never told.

Your broken is your beauty

You're all you need to be.

You're enough,

You're enough."

Her fingers gently came to a stop, and with a little breath she turned and smiled up at Monika with a light in her eyes that warmed her inside and out. The lyrics and the beautiful melody were still playing in Monika's head as she stared, dumbfounded, with her mouth agape. Sayori had written a song for her. A soft, soothing, lovingly crafted lullaby. For her.

"You came in while I was fine-tuning it, that's why I was so frazzled when you opened the door earlier. I had to hide the music sheets under the blanket and everything otherwise you'd get suspicious and- augh! So difficult." She held the pieces of paper up and waved them before setting them on the end table, and she smiled at Monika. "I… I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I wanted- well, I guess I wanted to see if we could handle being alone. It was all still fresh in my mind, and I was scared of what would happen I guess if you made me your everything… losing me had already made you take your own life. Maybe I could've done that better, but I wanted to do the same for me too. I just… needed to be sure about things."

"And…" Monika managed, tears spilling down her face in droves now. "And did you? Did you- are you sure? About things? About us?" She wanted to be absolutely sure, the terror and beating of her heart demanded that she be absolutely sure before she did or said anything damning. "Is this… you-"

Sayori sighed and shook her head, giving Monika a familiar goofy smile as she shoved her gently. "You goofball, what do you think? I tried to sing to you when you first confessed to me, and I messed it all up. This time, I wanted to be sure that I got it right for this. This isn't just me accepting how you feel, Monika, this is me admitting my own feelings to you. I've had so much time to think about me, and you, and us as a whole, and I know that I can never go back to being friends. A life without you by my side isn't one that's worth it to me. You understand me, you know me better than anyone, you love me unabashedly despite all my dumb stuff, and you would give the world for me and more. You're a wonderful person, and I love you for it. But like I said, this isn't me accepting your feelings."

"... Huh?"

"Monika, um… I want to be with you. Not just as your friend, and not just as your girlfriend… the bond we have is too strong for that. Way too strong. Our history, our memories, they make you a part of me in a way nobody else will ever be. I know we're messed up, but I'm okay being messed up with you by my side. And I want you there, for the rest of my life." Her cheeks reddened and Monika could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes too. "We're like, probably way too young to be married, or anything, but I don't want to consider what we have as temporary ever again. I want to be with you, high or low, sad or glad. I know these are just the words of a dumb girl who is still basically a kid, but… I want to give you my future, my forever, and I don't want you to ever question whether or not I'll be there again."

It was too much for Monika. Her arms wrapped around Sayori and she pulled her in as close and as tightly as possible. The guitar slipped between them and Sayori had to fumble her feet a little to catch it from falling, but she too took Monika in her arms and smiled from ear to ear. The guitar was lowered gently to the floor, and both girls fell back against Sayori's bed as their heads nestled into the crooks of their shoulders, almost like they were meant to fit there.

"You… you had me worried you fucking doofus!" Monika managed through choked sobs. "I didn't know- I thought you might end up hating me or- or something! Communicate! From n-now on, communicate with me! Please!" Sayori was nodding and apologizing, her voice muffled from where it was pressed against Monika's shoulder. For a few minutes, or perhaps an hour, Monika didn't care to keep track of time, she laid there and held Sayori. No talking, no thinking, just the result of her going down her own route. It was a peaceful bliss after the shock of emotions they had experienced together.

Eventually Monika raised her head and looked down at Sayori, and Sayori looked back up at her with those gorgeous big blue eyes of hers.

"So, we're uh… dating."

"Hmm." Sayori screwed up her face in thought for a moment. "I'd say so, yep!"

"Does that mean I can like, kiss you again? And hug you, and hold your hand, and kiss you again, because I kinda really want to do at least all of those right now."

"Hmm. I'd say so, yep- Mmm!" Sayori was cut off as Monika's lips met hers, and they smiled beneath their kisses as they laid in Sayori's bed together. There were several things she wanted to ask Sayori, to talk about and question, but they all seemed so unimportant at that moment. Who cared if Natsuki was miraculously recovering? If they might need medication or if Monika suffered from several different disorders, what did any of that matter? To Monika, those could wait until morning. Or a week. Or a month. Not even the government letter that sat in her jacket pocket meant anything to her right now. Only one question was at the forefront of her mind for that night.

Monika held Sayori in her arms and smiled, resting her head against the girl she loved more than anyone or anything. "Hey, can I sleep with you tonight, or is that too much too fast?"

"Ehehe, you silly butt. You were always welcome in here with me." She leaned forward and kissed Monika softly on the lips once more. "Hey, I love you, goofball." Monika smiled and kissed her back. She had the feeling they would be doing that an awful lot, especially to make up for all the lost time. That was okay, they had all the time in the world ahead of them to do it."

"I love you too, Sunflower."

---

A.N: Hello everyone. This will be my final author's note for "For the Longest Time", and because of that, there won't be any fan-art this week (even though there was so much!) but don't worry, it'll have a chance to shine next chapter at the beginning! This is being done in part because firstly, it's almost one in the morning and I have work in a few hours, and doing the links for FFN and AO3 takes a lot of time! Secondly, because this A.N will long enough without the fanart. And thirdly, because I want the final words of Chapter 31 to be what they are. No author notes, no rambling, just the final words of the story. So to everyone who had done fanart, thank you so so so much, seriously, and I promise I'll have it shown off to everyone at the start of next chapter! I'm very, truly sorry. This chapter was already long enough and I STILL didn't hit everything I wanted to. However! There is one piece that I have to show off, as it's very relevant to this chapter.

The song Sayori sings, aptly named, "Phoenix Lullaby" was written by a reader and good friend I've made during the course of this story, named Soda. Not only did she write the song, but she sang it and allowed me to use the lyrics in the story. She's a wonderful and talented person, and deserves a listen for how absolutely amazing her song is, and you can find it on my profile in the Fan-media section! Everything after this is skippable by the way, just my thanks as an author.

So, to everyone who is reading this, as this is my last Author's Note, I would like to thank you. This story has done things for me that I never thought possible. I've been reading Fanfiction since I was very young, and the effect it had on my was poignant. To be taken to worlds I already loved and experience new adventures, enjoy new stories, those have been the happiest times of my life. I tried to write a fanfiction once, and failed miserably (as the reviews promptly told me) and resorted to just reading for the next several years. Fast forward to 2021, DDLC+ has just released. I've read the hit fanfiction called "Home" by BimeyMooMimey, and I knew I had to try again.

The past year and a half has been otherwordly. Writing this story has given me a sense of purpose I've never had, between scheduling it, writing it, and interacting with everyone. I've made friends, discovered things about myself, and have apparently made a dent in the DDLC fanfiction section. Hell of an accomplishment. I have never been happier than writing this silly story about two girls falling in love, and I had so much to say here, but again, it's pretty late ahaha. I don't know what I'll do after this story, we still have a single chapter left after all! But I think I'll return to fanfiction afterwards. I have too many ideas. Maybe even DDLC again! Who knows! But for now, I just want to end this with a few thanks before I say farewell.

To my mother, for always encouraging me despite not knowing what the hell I was writing. To ChemCat, for analyzing my silly story countless times and making me feel way smarter than I am. For Soda and Molly, who have created so much for this story in so many ways, and have been there during some of my most stressed and worst moments. To Yukatado, whose first-person experiences in Japan helped shaped this into being as accurate as possible.To Minzzway, for boosting this story in its infancy with their delightful fanart, and to BimeyMooMimey, who has both inspired me, and found enjoyment in this very story. And of course to you, who has read this story to its finale and been with it through thick and thin. Whether you've been here since the beginning, or have stumbled across it years later, you have my deepest most heartfelt thanks, and I hope it brought you some joy in our troubled lives.

And lastly, to anyone who has ever been in love, has ever felt it's warm embrace or the cold sting of it's rejection, and to all those who still yearn to feel it for the first time: this story is dedicated to you. Thank you.