Emily never went to sleep that night, her mind just stayed awake and wouldn't rest. She saw the explosion in her mind's eye every time her eye lids lowered in an attempt at sleep. She had a lot of time to think about it and she came to the conclusion that the bomb had obviously been under the car Sonny had lent her, she'd been driving it for more than a week so it was surely intended for Zander…or her. She spent hours blaming herself, she should have let him go into the gas station with her but she had left him in the car. Better yet they should have just walked. It was a nice early spring day, they could have easily just walked to the gas station, it hadn't been that far she had just wanted some fresh air, to feel the wind blowing through her hair and she insisted on the drive and now the only one that had ever really understood her was gone, he was dead and it was all because she wanted to take a stupid joy ride. She played out scenarios in her head, how they would have been so happy if they had never taken the car how they would walk back to Kelly's and hold hands and everything would be normal. 'Normal' that word sounded so foreign now.
She also wondered if he had felt pain when he was killed, she tried to block that thought out of her head but she couldn't stop wondering if he had hurt, if he had been in agony. If he had had time to think about anything before death over took him. Did he think about her?
She laid there thinking about it, reliving it over and over until she knew every detail of what happened, until she had memorized his face, his smiling face, how he had looked the last time they had seen each other. To try and keep her mind off of it she concentrated on her physical pain. Her back, she knew must have some small scratches from the glass, her bandaged hands that were sore, the goose egg on the back of her head and then the small burn on her arm. If she could only concentrate on that pain the rest would go away.
She then heard Alexis, Sonny and Johnny, come into the penthouse downstairs and she listened as the conversation drifted upstairs. Alexis cried out as she heard the news, Emily closed her eyes trying to block it out, she wasn't going to cry because if she did she wouldn't stop. After a little while she heard Sonny and Johnny's voices fade and the door shut. She then listened as Alexis walked up the stairs and to her room. For awhile she heard Alexis crying and almost wanted to leave to give her privacy, almost, but then Alexis crying soon faded and it was all quiet, deathly quiet.
She knew Zander was gone, she repeated it to herself trying to make herself believe it, but she kept hoping he would walk into the room with his lopsided grin and that dark lock of hair that fell to his brow. The one she loved to loving brush away. He would tell her there had been a mistake and that he loved her and wasn't going to leave her again. Love. For the first time she realized she had never told him that she loved him. Oh how she loved him, he had been so much to her, done so much for her and she had never told him how he had made her feel, what had been in her heart for so long. How every look and touch made her feel inside, how his kisses made her knees weak and every moment with him made her giddy inside. Those three words that made everything better, life so beautiful, only three words and she had never said them. Tears sprang to eyes but she forced them down as she buried her head in his pillow. She laid there for two more hours watching the clock hands slowly turn until it was seven-thirty A.M. She sat up in the bed and looked at the room and the soft glow of dawn started to seep into it. She went to his closet and opened it, she saw all of his clothes hanging there, clothes that he would never wear again. She looked at the suit Alexis had bought for the trial and slowly ran her hand over the smooth fabric. She could not stay here any longer.
Emily put on a pair of his socks and then a pair of his shoes that didn't fit her at all. She then put on one of his flannels, made his bed and crept to the door. She slowly opened it and quietly walked down the stairs so she wouldn't disturb Alexis. She opened the door and walked to the elevator.
"Ms. Quartermaine, do you want me to drive you home or call your brother, maybe you would like to talk to Mr. Corinthos?" asked Johnny, he was concerned about the youngest Quartermaine being alone when it was so obvious that she was in pain.
"No, I want to walk, tell Carly I'll have her clothes back soon," said Emily as she looked down at the sweater and jeans.
"All right, Ms. Quartermaine."
Emily stepped into the elevator and waited as it went down. She walked to Kelly's as the sun slowly rose for a new day, a new beginning in a life without Zander.

Emily looked through the window and squeezed her eyes shut as she glanced at Zander's stool. The one he would always sit at and keep her company while she worked. She breathed deeply telling herself there would be plenty lonely nights ahead for crying. She opened the door and was greeted by a gigantic hug from Elizabeth which made her flinch as Elizabeth touched her back. "I'm so sorry, Em. It was all over the news. I tried to find you and make sure you were okay," she said.
"I will never be 'okay' and why are you sorry? It's not like you even cared about Zander," she wanted to lash out at someone and Elizabeth just happened to be there.
"Em, I barley knew him."
"And whose fault is that, Elizabeth? I feel sorry for you that you never got to know Zander he was so…" she closed her eyes again willing the tears not to fall. "He was so sweet and kind, he may have done some bad things but he was the one of the best people I've ever met. You were always down on him saying that he was no good, well let's not forget when you first you got here in Port Charles, you weren't a saint either."
Emily walked up the stairs leaving Elizabeth staring after her, she just wanted to be alone. Emily got to her room and shut and locked the door. She sat on her bed having no idea what to do, what was she supposed to do when her life had just fallen apart around here, she just felt so empty inside. She pulled out her journal and got as far as writing the date, after that words just wouldn't come to here. What was she supposed to write? She wasn't even sure how she felt, how was she supposed to write about it?
She'd been staring at the blank page trying to find words to explain the emptiness when there was a knock at the door. Sighing she got up and opened the door to see her mother standing there with worry written on her face. "Mom!" said Emily throwing her arms around Monica and burying her head in her shoulder yearning for her mother's soothing words. Monica led her daughter back over to the bed and wrapped her arms around her daughter as her heart broke.
"I miss him so much," whispered Emily.
"I know, I know, Em," said Monica as she soothingly smoothed Emily's hair.
"I love him and he will never know," sobbed Emily trying desperately not to cry.
"He knew and I know he loved you too. I could see it in the way he looked at you."
"No one really took the time to know him, Mom. They all just made judgments instead of trying to understand him and getting to know him. Out of my whole family, you, and Grandmother really tried, he meant so much to me. I was there when the car exploded and all I wanted to do was walk into the fire and be with him but I couldn't. Why is everything falling apart, why does it have to hurt so much?" she said putting her hands over her face.
"I don't know Em. You did get to spend a few precious moments with Zander and you will never forget them and you can cherish them forever. I would give anything to take all of this pain away."
"Mom…do you think I could move back in? I just really need you and grandmother and I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be here with memories of him."
"Sure Em," said Monica hugging her.