A/N: Just a quick notice that this story was written before Zander's father, Cameron, was on the show, thus Zander's history is different. Please Review.

Emily looked out of the window as they drove to the cemetery, it was raining but that was nothing compared to the tears that were still falling from her eyes. She kept going over and over in her mind how she would never see him again…ever. Each memory she had of him was so precious and she wanted to engrave every little detail into her mind so she would never forget, never forget the way he smiled at her, the dimple in his chin, the color of his…the way he said her name. She had to bite her lip for fear that she would just start screaming from the injustice of it all, it just wasn't fair, what had they done to deserve being torn apart like this?
She watched as they lowered his casket into the ground and the only thought in her head was how she wished she could jump in and be buried with him, she didn't belong here, not with out him, her life would never be full again, it was empty, empty, empty. She fell to the ground, her hands digging into the soft, wet earth, she wanted to scream and cry and pull her hair out all at once, it was so UNFAIR! Hands tried to pull her up, she didn't know whose but she pushed them away, she wanted everyone to leave her alone, they couldn't understand, they could never understand how her heart felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces and tear her apart in the process. How could she live like this, she was being tortured every time she closed her eyes and saw his face. After awhile, when her hands were numb and she was soaked to the bone she made herself stand up and look at his head stone.

Zander Smith
August 18, 1980-April 19 2001
He has touched our hearts
and will always be remembered

She turned to see Alexis and her mother looking worriedly at her, she tried to give them a reassuring smile but she failed miserably. She cleared her throat, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Alexis, can I go back to your place? I-I just need to be close to him, right now."
"Sure, I'll drive you," said Alexis pulling her coat closer as a cold wind blew by.
Emily turned to Monica and closed her eyes when warm comforting arms wrapped around her in a hug. "I'll be home later, thank you so much, for everything."
As they walked away Emily looked back to see them began shoveling the dirt onto his casket and she knew her heart was buried in there with him.

They got back to the Penthouse and Emily went into his room, she hadn't been there since that first night when she had laid in the bed, miserable. And here she was again even more miserable than before, she'd been in shock then and now she was trying to accept it but still somehow, it seemed like a dream. She sat down on the bed and could almost see him sitting there beside her smiling. She refused again to let her tears fall again, it still wasn't real. If he was really gone the bond they shared would be broken, but she could still feel it, she would always feel it. She peeled off her wet and muddied clothes, she got one of his tee-shirts and slipped it over her head, it still smelled like him. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, drinking in his scent, memorizing it so that she would never forget. She laid back on the bed, her arms wrapped around herself, she wished it was his arms. She looked over at his nightstand where there was a picture of the two of them together smiling. A small drawer was open and she curiously peeked inside. There were a small pile of pictures of them that Alexis had taken at the park. They had used two whole rolls of film and Emily had forgotten all about them until now. It hurt too much to look at them so she sat them aside. Underneath them were two white envelopes. She gently picked them up. One had her name and the other was to Alexis. She felt like she was invading his privacy even though he was gone but the envelope was addressed to her so she opened it with shaking hands:

Dear Emily
If you knew I was writing this you would probably tell me not to but I can't leave anything unsaid between us. After the shooting at Christmas and then the incident outside Kelly's I know that nothing is ever for sure. The trial is in a few days and I know that even if Sorel is given the death penalty it won't be over. I've screwed up my life really bad and I just hope it doesn't hurt you. Sorel is going to be furious if he is put away and he'll want revenge and it won't really be over until he gets it.
When I was shot at Christmas there were those few horrible moments when I didn't know if you were okay and I've never been that scared in my life. And then when I was kidnapped and I thought that I'd be killed, things ran through my head and I didn't want anything to go unsaid. I've wanted to tell you some things but I don't want to move to fast. I know when you were with Juan he pressured you and I don't want to do that so I'm waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel, but if I never get to I want you to know exactly how I feel and I'll tell you in this letter. First of all I hope to God you never have to read this but there are no guarantees on the future and if anyone knows that it's me. If something ever happens to me then I don't want you to keep your feelings bottled up inside, I want you to be happy more than anything in this world. From the first time I saw you I knew how special you were and that you were an amazing woman.
When I'm with you it's like nothing else matters except that moment that we are together. When I was in jail you were like my salvation, you wouldn't give up and you had enough faith in me for both of us and that's why I'm here today.

Emily wiped a tear from her cheek, he wasn't there anymore, and he never would be. She looked back at the letter

You made my life full of so many things I've never had before. When we were on the run I felt this incredible connection to you and when we kissed for the first time I knew it right then that I loved you with everything I had. I might not have many things going for me but I know that I'll always have you. I love you so much and I hope I never disappoint you or let you down. I know that you love me, but I want to wait until the right time, when I have my freedom for sure and I can really be with you.
If something does happen to me I want you to look after Alexis, I know she tries to hide it but she's really lonely and she needs someone to be there for her. Both of you have believed in me in a way no one else has. During my childhood no one really cared about me and you make up for all of that because when I'm with you it's like your love is such a blessing that all I can do is think about what I have now, not what I didn't have then. Please try to find my mom if something does happens, her name is Jacqueline Smith, I don't know where she lives but if you can find her tell her I'm sorry for leaving, but Emily I don't regret it because so many good things came out of it.
You are the first girl I've felt this way about and I hope you won't ever forget me. Don't shut people out like I have done in the past. Never forget that you mean everything to me.
Love you for eternity, Zander

Emily clutched the two page letter to her chest crying harder than she thought possible. Had he known that he was going to die, had some part of him felt it even before it happened? Through tear filled eyes she read the letter again, he loved her and he had known that she loved him, at least he knew. She wiped her eyes with a trembling hand. They had lost so many things, all she could think about was the future that they would never have together. Emily curled up on the bed still clutching the letter to her chest and finally she fell asleep, dreaming about a future that could never be.