Fate: La la lala laaa! dances in a circle
Disclaimer: Go forth and hopskiptwirl with the lawyers!
[7] In Which Bakura Is Not A Morning Person
Jounouchi woke at two a.m. inexplicably. Normally he would have promptly buried his face in a pillow and tried to suffocate himself to sleep before he remembered the usefulness of breathing. However, when one has a psychopathic tomb robber somewhere in one's house, one ought to investigate. Moreso if said psychopathic tomb robber has a sex-crazed stalker.
So, cursing the world with less range of languages but of equal inventiveness to Bakura, Jounouchi more or less fell out of his bed, untangled himself from the bedclothes, and walked into the door in a vain effort to leave the room.
After about five minutes, Jounouchi figured out that opening the door might be conducive to getting back to sleep more quickly.
After this week, I'm never housing anyone who I can't trust to sleep like a normal mortal again. Ever, Jounouchi swore to himself as he padded down the short hallway, looking in all of the doors. No silver-haired people of either the psychopathic or sex-crazed variety were seen. Nor, thank God, the Funny-Bunny obsessed sort.
If Pegasus shows up... Jounouchi trailed off and shuddered rather than think about what could possibly happen. This involuntary movement promptly made him fall over. Ow. This is in the realm of 'major suckyness'. Oh yes.
Jounouchi wobbled to his feet again and plodded into the main room.
Where he promptly tripped over someone.
The blond boy rolled over onto his back, massaging his nose, and cussed Bakura out thoroughly. "Why do I always have to trip over you? What'd I do to deserve this?"
It was only when Jounouchi fell silent that he noticed that Bakura wasn't responding. At all.
O...kay... Jounouchi promptly thought, sitting up with some difficulty and trying not to kick the unconscious thief in the head.
He was peering critically at the black-and-silver heap of tomb robber when a hand shot out of the pile, grabbed his throat, and tugged his face into a nose-to-nose position with Bakura.
"Sod the fuck off," Bakura breathed. "You will leave me to my nightmares. And you will forget what you're doing here if I have to use the Ring to do it."
Jounouchi was unable to speak or nod, so he merely did the only thing he could to affirm his understanding. "Gaarghk."
"Good."
"Gurrrlk."
With that, Bakura released Jounouchi's neck and disappeared again into the huddle of black and silver.
Definitely not a morning person either, Jounouchi noted, rubbing his throat and struggling to his feet. He snatched up the pink fuzzy afghan from the end of the couch, dumped it unceremoniously over the knot Bakura had curled himself into, then quitted the room with as much haste as a seven-eighths-worth-asleep person could muster.
In other words, Jounouchi tripped over Bakura again on his way out, got lost in the kitchen, and fell asleep on the floor in his room when he missed collapsing on the bed by two feet.
When he finally opened his eyes, it was to the scream of, "IF THESE DAMN BIRDS DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP, THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF TWITTERING LITTLE FEATHERY LUMPS IN THE GRAVEYARD!!"
The birds fell silent after some startled peeping and a stray squawk.
"Much better."
Jounouchi decided he'd better get up before all of the indigenous wildlife in his neighborhood vanished into oblivion.
He stumbled out of his room and straight into the shower. When he emerged and padded into the kitchen, the first thing he noticed was that Bakura must have showered before him, due to the only partially dry silver hair hanging down around his shoulders in the requisite tufted snarls. The second thing he noticed was that Bakura was contentedly chewing on something raw and bloody.
Bakura turned and looked at him blankly for a minute. "Something for you?" he finally asked nastily, licking the blood off of one hand after nearly inhaling the last of whatever poor unsuspecting creature the mauled bit of flesh had once been.
"Llp. No," Jounouchi said, valiantly keeping a straight face and swallowing hard. Blood from injuries he could deal with. Blood from dead things being eaten very messily was another thing entirely.
Bakura merely shrugged, rolled his eyes, and began licking his other hand clean.
It was at this point that someone rapped on the door.
"Dammit. It's the bastard," Bakura said irritably. "This place needs one of those windows where you can pour boiling oil on people you hate down below."
Rather than answer, Jounouchi swiftly left the kitchen and opened the door.
"Do you have Motrin?" Yami asked.
Jounouchi blinked. "Yes." He about-faced and marched back into the bathroom, in search of painkillers, with Yami tagging along behind him. Thus, only Bakura noticed how oddly Yami was moving.
He merely watched the pharaoh over one bloody hand without blinking until the other boy noticed him. "What?"
"Let me guess, you gave the last of the Motrin to your hikari. How sweet," Bakura said acidly. "And then you walked all the way here, the very picture of a martyred and uxorious lover..."
There was a muffled noise from the bathroom that sounded like a cross between a squeak and a laugh as Yami turned a funny shade of fuschia and sweatdropped.
"Pharaoh got la-aid, Pharaoh got la-aid..." Bakura taunted. "Someone's quite the pedophile around here. And somewhat incestuous. I knew there was something funny about royalty."
"You're just jealous that I get more action than you do," Yami shot back childishly.
"How is that possible? I'm being fucking stalked!"
"Fucking is right."
"You should talk."
"Well, look, it's not my fault!"
"Oh, it's Ryou's fault then? Or maybe Hathor's!"
"It was Ryou's fault! Your hikari has either made off with your demon deck or – "
"My demon deck? We both play with demon decks! How can you tell the difference? You don't care who's playing against you, you just go and blast them to death with your Ra card anyway!"
"Motrin!"
The last interjection was Jounouchi poking his head out of the bathroom and throwing the aforementioned medicine at the pharaoh.
Yami blinked confusedly and was hit squarely on the forehead with the plastic bottle, right where the Sennen Eye showed up at times. Ignoring the thief's snickering, he began to try to open the cap.
After about five minutes in which Bakura's laughter escalated into full rolling-on-the-floor hysterics, Yami finally slumped onto one of the bar stools in the kitchen next to Bakura's former seat and slammed the Motrin bottle down on the countertop. Rather than curse inventively as Bakura and Jounouchi were wont to do, he merely glowered royally at the infuriating little plastic bottle. "It...won't...open..." he finally growled.
Jounouchi burst out laughing in the most tactless manner possible, snatched up the Motrin bottle, and held it in front of the pharaoh's nose. "Read the instructions on the cap."
Yami stared at it, slightly cross-eyed, then snatched the bottle from Jounouchi's hand and opened the cap, still muttering. He then poured the entire bottle out onto the counter.
"You can take one and a half of those pills," Jounouchi said, eyeing Yami critically, proffering a cup of water. "And you have to eat something when you've taken them."
"I'm not sharing," Bakura said, having scrambled to his feet and leaning out of the window.
"Sharing what?" Yami asked.
Bakura merely grabbed the sill with one hand and a knife from the rack with the other, stabbing at something off to the left of him. There was a panicked squawk from the outside. This was quickly followed by Bakura slithering back through the window with a small bird impaled on the knife. "Mine." The look on his face said plainly, Make one move towards this bird and you meet a similar fate, and this also applies to my hikari when we're done.
"Yours," Yami agreed with a quick nod, and swallowed the pills.
"Yours," Jounouchi echoed, throwing Yami an orange. "Eat it."
Yami ignored Bakura picking feathers off of the bird carcass and casually throwing them in his direction. He directed his attention to peeling the orange. After three feathers had lodged themselves in his hair, Yami began just as casually throwing pieces of orange peel at the tomb robber.
"Prat," Bakura muttered, coolly chewing on a wing bone and flicking a bloody feather at the pharaoh.
Yami ate an orange slice. "Twit." He deftly sent a piece of orange peel sailing over to smack the thief in the face.
"Inbred buffoon."
"Son of a camel."
"Painted transvestite."
"I do not look like a girl in these clothes!"
"My point exactly."
"BUGGER YOU, SON OF A SAND WORM, FOR A FLAMING, POX-ROTTED, MILDEWED, FESTERING VULTURE! AND MAY IT EAT YOUR DUST AND SPIT ON YOUR BONES!" Bakura screamed suddenly, leaping at the pharaoh with a knife in one hand.
Jounouchi blinked at the pair from his perch on one of the other bar stools. The two Egyptians were now rolling around on the kitchen floor. Bakura was trying to skewer Yami and the pharaoh was trying to squirm free of the tomb robber's attempts to pin him to the floor for easier disembowelment.
"Oi! Break it up, will you?" Jounouchi shouted down at them.
"Bite me!" Bakura snarled. "Yow! Bastet's teeth, that hurt! Are you rabid?" he then howled as Yami seized the opportunity and chomped down on his arm. The thief shook the pharaoh off and rolled across the floor, still clutching the bloody knife and scattering feathers and orange peel.
"Someone's cleaning this up and it isn't going to be me," Jounouchi said conversationally. "Are you two done with your breakfast?"
Bakura and Yami glowered at each other.
"I don't care if you're not, you are," Jounouchi decided for them both. Bakura flicked a bird bone at him without looking up.
"Uncultured savage," Yami muttered.
Bakura ignored him and rose grandly to his feet, stalking out of the room and licking the knife clean. He paused in the doorway, then turned back to look at Yami, still struggling to his feet. "And it was a stupid sand worm." With that, he calmly quitted the kitchen.
"He...I...gah..." Yami said expressively, waving his arms for emphasis.
One round for the tomb robber, Jounouchi thought, towing the spluttering pharaoh out the door after Bakura. Did he put that knife back?
[-]
Bakura was busy trying to figure out what in bloody blazes he was supposed to do with the Millennium Eye.
I'm not leaving it in that house, even if I was still there, he decided right off, beginning to lick the knife he'd stolen from Jounouchi clean as he padded barefoot down the shadowy side of the street towards the museum. The healer boy and the annoying pharaoh were somewhere within fifty meters. This normally would have counted as being in his personal bubble and worthy of him chasing whoever-it-was down and killing them, but he was a little preoccupied.
I so can not have this thing on me when I'm talking to the Ishtar girl. I might as well plant it on the pharaoh for all the good it'll...do...me...
I should so plant it on the pharaoh bastard! And then steal it back! Yeah! It'll get him in trouble with the seer's yami. Pity the pharaoh gave back the Tauk after all that weirdness with Marik; I could have gotten a double haul when I rob him blind.
Heh. Now all I have to do is make sure the pharaoh doesn't find it before either we're out of there or he gets caught with it, and I'm golden.
Well, aren't you sneaky? I like that in a man.
"WAAAAUGH!" Bakura promptly forgot all tomb robber training and dignity and leaped three feet into the air screaming.
"What was that?" Yami asked.
"Shut up!" Bakura retorted.
You've got competition, yami mine. He looks good enough to eat,Ryou remarked.
/I sealed you off!/ Bakura screamed.
Did you, now? I hadn't noticed. Now, why would you want to do a thing like that?/ Ryou inquired.
/To get you out of my head, you sick, perverted mortal!/ Bakura screeched.
But I like your head. It's pretty. And wet. I like wet things.
Bakura considered screaming like a girl.
/Wait a minute...you can see me?/
Of course, yami mine. I don't want to let you out of my sight. You're too breathtaking. I don't want anyone to get in your way.
Bakura thence considered dunking his head in a bucket of the stingy goop that the healer-boy insisted he smear on his gashes daily, to prevent the cut from going putrid. Wonder if it'll clean Ryou up any.
"Bakura, is something wrong?" Yami asked.
"Of course there's something wrong!" Bakura shrieked as Yami drew closer. "There's a bloody pervert in my head spying on me!" Just come closer, asshole. I can stuff this Eye down the back of your shirt and punch you in the nose at the same time if you do. And then maybe run away.
"Look, Bakura--" Yami began, moving even closer.
That counts as being within my personal personal bubble! Bakura thought, seething. Time to make him move. And time to run away. Yes. He swiftly launched a hard left to Yami's jaw and tackled him, dragging the Eye from his pocket and shoving it down the back of the buckled monstrosity Yami called a shirt. There's enough metal and capes back there that no one will notice anything.
"I have this archaic little belief, pharaoh," Bakura spat. "It's the one where people have this little thing we like to call personal space. Now get out of it, so we can get away from my hikari, who is probably following us."
"EEK!" came a squawk from a few feet behind them. Bakura and Yami both promptly craned their necks to look.
Ryou was clinging cheerfully to Jounouchi, who was leaping around, arms and legs flailing, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Or, um, making falsetto squeaky noises.
"Ryou! Release Jounouchi!" Yami commanded, trying to think of the best option under the circumstances.
If Bakura'd had 'thinking of the best option under the circumstances' suggested to him, his retort would have been along the lines of 'fuck that!' So, he promptly made good use of his own tried and very well liked approach:
Step one: Tackle.
Step two: Scream.
Step three: Repeat.
Simple, ne?
Bakura promptly leapt at Jounouchi and slammed not only his target, but his hikari to the ground as well.
"Hello there," Ryou whispered, smiling and raising one hand to trace one of Bakura's facial cuts, reopened by his sudden movements.
Yami and hikari completely ignored the blonde boy sandwiched between them as they stared at each other, one in undisguised horror and the other in undisguised lust.
Ryou's smile grew into a broad smirk as he pulled his yami's head down and began kissing him passionately.
"Um...guys?" Jounouchi said. "Ryou? Bakura? I'm still here! Yami! Help! Get me out of here! Ack!"
Ryou gently broke his liplock with his yami and turned to whisper in Jounouchi's ear. "Care to join us?"
"Nooooooo!" Jounouchi screeched. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!" He turned his head violently away from Ryou. "Yaaaaamiiiiiii!"
At that precise moment, Bakura's eyes dropped closed and he fell heavily off of Jounouchi and onto the pavement with a soft noise, silvery hair splashed over his face and bleeding slightly from his feet and face.
"Ryou!" Yami bellowed, hauling Jounouchi roughly to his feet now that Bakura was sprawled on the pavement out of the way. He stalked forwards and put a booted foot on Ryou's chest, preventing him from rising.
Ryou merely smiled sweetly. "Thanks for the view, Yami," he said softly.
Yami, to give him credit, did not immediately retreat. He merely flinched and hastily averted his eyes. "Go get Bakura," he whispered to Jounouchi.
"Erk," Jounouchi merely said, just as Yami's legs were yanked out from under him.
"Don't. Touch. My. Hikari." Bakura snarled, sitting up. He glared at Ryou. "Get out of here, you little power leech. Go on, yadonushi! Get out of my sight! I can't stand the sight of you anymore, Ryou! I hate what you've become! You bloody pervert, get away from me!" he screamed as Ryou reached out for him. He rolled to his feet and staggered back a few feet. "Don't hurt him. Only I get to hurt him!" he snapped hysterically at Yami. "Only me! Only me! I'm the only one who ever gets to touch him!"
"Jealous much?" Ryou inquired softly, smirking.
"You little – !"
Jounouchi neatly arrested Bakura's flight by snagging him mid-leap and tucking him under one arm. "Museum. Now," he said to Yami. "Let Ryou go and let's haul ass," he added, dragging a fighting, screaming tomb robber. I'm going to be black and blue tonight.
Yami stepped away from Ryou, then stopped. "Only for Yuugi will I do this. Only because I won't kill a friend. But you have become something worse than your yami. And I think it's about time you changed back."
Ryou giggled. "Want to know what I think, you sexy thing you?"
Yami turned on his heel and stalked away.
Ryou kept giggling. "My yami stuffed a Millennium Item down your shirt, that's what I think!" he said softly to himself as the trio disappeared down the road. He hopped to his feet, stretched, rotated his bad ankle, and grinned cheerfully. "Museum time!"
Fluffy: Let's get it starte-e-ed, let's get it starte-e-ed...what? I watched the NBA finals!
Sky-Pirate-Tat: Mmmmhmmm...it is that...
moonnymph: I am no good with fluff, so Fluffy-hikari wrote the end of the last chapter.
Sailor Comet: Length is easy, fluff is hard. Well, that's me. Fluffy thinks it's the other way 'round.
Dark Millenia: We're sure Ryou's willing.
hotaruchan27: SQUEE! Plushie!
Alyssa-Anime-Angel: I don't think either of them minded very much...
Saturn Imp: You like weird? We write weird.
firedraygon97: searches for a Ryou figurine or something
Kaial and Luke Skywolf: We'll keep them in line. Promise.
LightofDarkness: Oops. Well, he could have British influences from some random person. Lemony smut? Errr...blinkblink ...not very good at that, sorry.
Chibi: SQUEE!! Another plushie!
molten-amber: The cause is one of the few things I'm certain about in this story, being as it's gone in a really weird direction. And it will be revealed...sometime?
StarFlower Sakura: So do we. nn
higashikaze: Sorry the update took so long. Damn writers' block, damn school, etc. FOUR MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL AND THEN FREEDOM!! dances
CaRoLyN CsOhJv: Italics and bold and underlining and all that fun stuff is actually pretty easy, if you have MS Word or a similar word processor. You type it out as you want it to look, save it as html, and then you're set to go. The formatting stays. Ehhh... sweatdrops ...sorry about the time length. Fast updater during the end of the school year I am not.
Fyredra: The pain medicine of choice for yami/hikari pairings, mostly used in the context seen below. Also used to cue in taunting from the surrounding characters.
Little Brat Yami Bakura: waves Thanks for the faves list bit! Hope you got enough sleep!
Yami) White Rain: Something more for you to read when you wake up! Wow, I seem to be drawing the sleepy people here...I have Mountain Dew if you'd like some...
Duel: Blerg. Do something.