"I have some clothes you can borrow, it looks like we might be stuck here for awhile."
"Sure, thanks."
Emily slipped into the sweat pants that were too big, luckily she had a belt with her, after the pants were secure around her waist she put on the sweat shirt, it was big but warm and dry. She went back into the living room where Johnny was sitting, his eyes closed, listening to the rain. She sat down next to him and pulled one of the blankets he'd sat on the coffee table over herself. She loved listening to the rain and hearing it fall on the roof and against windows. Now she hated it, it tried to lull her to sleep but she resisted it, she hadn't had a long deep sleep in a year, and that was good, she wanted it that way. She had moved back into Kelly's and was pursuing a law degree, so she always had something to do. She took more classes than she could handle simply because to pass them all she had to get all of her work done and study for exams, so there was no time to think about other things, things that hurt to much. Every spare minute she wasn't studying she worked at Kelly's, she considered it a good day if she could fall into bed exhausted and slip into sleep in a matter of minutes. If she was busy there wasn't time to think and if she was exhausted then she wouldn't dream, so she wouldn't feel that pain, she wouldn't think about the past or her future with out him. When she walked on the dock all she thought of was his face, not what she could have changed or how their future would have been so happy, just his face.
The soft rumble of thunder and the rhythmic sounds of the rain finally won out and she closed her eyes, and dreamed.
A part of her knew that she should wake up but she couldn't. She was back outside the gas station, before everything had happened.
"I'll come with you," he said smiling and she leaned through the window and kissed him.
"Don't worry, I'll be right back, what do you want to drink?"
"Mountain Dew please," he said giving her that crooked smile.
She smiled back and walked towards the gas station, she heard him whistle suggestively as he watched her walk away and she turned around and blew him a kiss.
'Go back! Make him come with you!!' Emily screamed as she watched the scene play out before her eyes.
She went into the gas station and got their drinks and then she went up to the counter to pay for them. Emily watched in horror as the gas station shuddered and trembled as the explosion happened outside, she saw the fire consume the car and she screamed until she was hoarse wondering why she hadn't let him go with her. She screamed and she screamed and she didn't ever think she'd stop.
Johnny woke up with a start and instictively reached for his gun as she began to scream, but as his eyes pierced through the darkness he realized there was no one to shoot. He reached over and gently shook her, whispering her name, trying to calm her down. Her screams stopped and turned into heart wrenching sobs as she clutched his shirt whispering Zander's name. He was at a loss of what to do, it had been a long time since someone had needed him like this, and he tried his best to comfort her. "It's okay," he whispered over and over again as he held her.
Emily snuggled closer to Zander, it was amazingly wonderful to fall asleep in his arms, safe and protected from the world. Hearing his heart beat as she was cradled against his chest, she smiled content to lay there, nothing else mattered.
"I love you Zander," she said sleepily as she looked up, expecting to see his strong jaw line and his hazel eyes staring down at her. Her heart dropped down into her stomach as she realized he wasn't Zander, he had been dead over a year and he was never going to hold her again. She gently got up, trying not to wake Johnny. Bright sunlight flooded the small room and she walked to the window looking out over the sleepy town of Port Charles. Sometimes she hated to wake up, especially the times when she forgot, she'd wake up and reach for the phone ready to call him and tell him good morning, or she'd wake up reminding herself she had to think of a Christmas present to get him, she felt stupid afterwards, stupid and incredibly lonely.
She had to get to Kelly's and get ready for her shift. She went towards the bathroom hoping to get dressed and leave before Johnny woke up but she was to late, she must not have been as quiet as she had originally thought.
"Are you okay?" he asked standing up, his concern for her evident on his face.
She nodded, it was bad enough having a nightmare, but having someone witness it was humiliating. She remembered the nightmare, she had pushed it to the back of her mind but it was the worst one she'd had in a long time, and she was glad there had been someone there. "It happens sometimes, you know. I'm fine though, my clothes are dry by now so I'll just leave," she said giving him a smile, trying to convince him as well as herself that she was fine.
"Emily."
"Yes?"
"Maybe you should try to talk to someone, it might help."
"Talk about what? I'm fine, thanks for letting me stay, I'd better go get ready," she said ducking into the bathroom before he could say anything. After she had met and talked to Zander's mother she had thought she was going to be okay, she had been able to share wonderful memories of him, but when she got back to Port Charles she didn't want to share her memories because it hurt too much, trying not to let the past consume her she talked about him less and less and all of her feelings and emotions became a festering wound, but she still hid from it, she wasn't ready to confront the memories and she thought she never would be, but the nightmares and the feelings were her punishment for letting him die so she accepted it and refused to talk to anyone about the inner turmoil that was her soul.
Emily got dressed and then walked back into the living room, Johnny was no where to be found and Emily decided that was for the best so she sat the clothes he had let her borrow on the coffee table and she left, going through her schedule in her head making sure she would have enough to do until she was so tired she could barely stand, that was, after all, the only way she could survive.