Sorry it took so long for this part, I hope things will move along a lot
more quickly in the upcoming chapters...it's been a very busy week for me!
I'll be motivated to have another chapter this weekend if enough people
reply.... Hahahahaha
Enjoy, and even if you think it sucks, let me know. Feeback is critical to me at this point, and for me continuing.
Katie.
Part Two:
Rachel wandered around the party in a daze, searching for her sister, ready to leave, but Amy was nowhere in sight.
She was so caught up in what just happened that she didn't see Monica until she bumped into her, "Oh Gosh, I'm so sorry Monica."
"It's okay, are you okay? You don't look so good." Monica said, touching Rachel's arm with concern.
Rachel shook her head, "I just want to find Amy, have you seen her?"
"She went outside by the pool awhile back with some of the senior players, but I haven't seen her since. You want to come hang out with us?"
Rachel nodded, trying to calm the hysteria building up in her chest, "No, I should really find Amy...I'm ready to leave."
"What happened?" Monica asked, instantly worried. Rachel looked like she was coming apart at the seams, this being this first time Rachel had showed any sort of distress over anything since she had known her, "Is it Shawn?"
Rachel's eyes darted around the room quickly upon the mention of his name, "Sort of...I don't know. Things are just really messed up. And it's getting close to my curfew, my grandmother will kill me if I'm late, she already doesn't trust me, my head hurts, I'm scared, and I think I just made a really bad choice."
"It's okay...." Monica soothed, leading Rachel upstairs to her bedroom, "Sit down on my bed, I'll get you some water, and we'll talk about this. You've got to calm down."
Monica disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a glass of punch, "This is all we have....I don't think it's been spiked. Now, what happened?"
"I don't know...." Rachel moaned, "Well, I know, but I just can't tell you." She took a sip of the punch, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes, "You'll think I'm an awful person."
"Everyone makes mistakes Rachel." Monica said softly, bringing her hand to Rachel's hair and smoothing it gently, "I could never think you're awful...I think you're pretty cool...."
"I kissed Shawn." Rachel blurted out, tears streaming down her cheeks, "And I let him do....other stuff....to me. And I'm sore, I'm tired, and I just want to find my sister and forget about it, you know?"
Monica pulled Rachel into a tight hug, "I know. Why don't you stay here for a few minutes, calm down, and then I'll help you look for Amy?"
Rachel was about to respond when the door opened and Phoebe walked in, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. I was just coming to touch up my nail polish."
"It's okay, we're just taking a break from downstairs." Monica said with a shrug, leaning back against the pillows on her bed, "Where are the guys?"
Phoebe smirked, "Joey and Chandler crashed in Ross's room, and Ross is running back and forth between the 'football group' and the 'science club' group. It's pretty entertaining."
"Have you seen Amy?" Rachel asked softly, her voice cracking as she watched the two friends visit. She had never been in that kind of relationship, and she was growing more and more jealous by the minute. When did this start happening? She never used to care about having friends, missing out....and suddenly, she realized how alone she was. She just wanted to go home and sleep the night away...the weekend away.
Phoebe shook her head, "I saw her with Shawn a bit ago, I assumed you were nearby."
Rachel stood, finishing her punch, which by the way, was definitely spiked. Even though she had never drank before this night, she could distinctly smell and taste the crown in it, something her father used to drink as if it were water. "I'm going to go find her."
She rushed from the room, praying he hadn't ratted on her to Amy. That's just the kind of gossip that would send her grandmother over the edge and turn her into a Nazi where Rachel was concerned.
She rushed out to the balcony where she had Shawn had been fooling around, and let out a loud yelp when she saw what was in front of her. Amy was sitting with Shawn, his arms tightly around her as they deeply kissed.
They broke apart, both guilty, "Rachel!" They exclaimed in unison.
Amy jumped to her feet, "Rach, I can explain...you can't tell Grandmother about this, she'll kill me."
"It's not like it looks." Shawn added, forgetting momentarily that Amy had no clue what he had done with her sister just a half hour prior, "She means nothing to me!"
"What?" Amy exclaimed, pulling away from him, "Excuse me?!"
"Forget it." Rachel muttered, turning and fleeing from the balcony, running directly into Ross and falling backwards onto the ground.
"Rachel? Are you alright?" Ross asked, helping her to her feet, "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you."
Rachel shook her head, "No, it's my fault. I'm okay, I'm just ready to go home."
"Would you like me to walk you?" Ross asked, concerned about her safety roaming the streets of the city well past midnight, "And that's not a question, I'm walking you whether you'd like me to or not."
Rachel managed a small smile, allowing him to lead her outside, "My sister is such a two faced lying whore."
Wrapping his jacket around her, he led her down the dimly lit street, "I don't think it was your sister as much as Shawn Miller." he pointed out, "He always pulls crap like that. Every time he sees a beautiful girl, he can't refuse."
"So I'm beautiful?" Rachel asked, glancing at him as they made their way through an alley, holding hands tightly, "Is that what you're saying?"
Ross blushed, looking away, "Sure...I mean, you're very pretty. I'm surprised Shawn was the only guy hitting on you."
"Prettier than Phoebe?" Rachel asked, "Prettier than Monica?"
Ross stopped, raising an eyebrow, "First off, Monica's my sister so I won't even go there. And Phoebe....she's too weird for me. She's pretty and all, but I'd rather judge a person by their inside and outside instead of just their outside."
"Then you'd never fall for me." Rachel muttered, picking up her pace.
Ross looked over at her, struggling to keep his hands off of her, "Why would you say that? You're nice, sweet, funny, pretty....a great package, all in one."
"You don't know me." Rachel said quietly, distancing herself a bit, "I mean, you know who I am, but you don't know the real me."
Ross cocked his head to the side, "I'd like to get the chance, but every time we get you alone, you run away."
"I'm not used to having any friends." Rachel said with a shrug, "It's not a big deal."
They walked in silence for awhile, stopping when they arrived at the brownstone where Rachel lived. She gave him a soft smile, "Thank you for walking me home."
"Anytime. Can I give you some advice?" Ross asked, reaching into his pocket.
Rachel shrugged, "Whatever."
"Eat this peppermint before you go inside....your grandmother would flip if she smelled alcohol on your breath." Ross said with a smile, "And try not to stumble around like you did walking over here."
Rachel rolled her eyes, her head pounding still, "I'll try to keep that in mind. Night Ross."
"Wait!" He called out as she walked to the door. She stopped and turned around, and he took a few steps towards her. He gave her a soft smile, "Everyone needs at least one or two friends."
Rachel blushed slightly, shrugging, "I'll keep that in mind."
"We're all getting together tomorrow to watch a movie, you're welcome to come if you want, 2:30ish."
Nodding, Rachel walked to the door, "I'll keep that in mind."
"Is that all you say?" Ross joked, "If you don't want my advice, tell me to shut up."
Rachel smiled again, her face a crimson red, "I'll keep that in mind." she said a last time before walking into the building and letting the door shut behind her.
~*~
The moment she got upstairs, she wished she was back on the street with Ross. The door hadn't even shut all the way, and Betty Green was staring her down like a tiger to it's prey.
"Do you know what time it is?" she barked, "Where the hell is your sister? I've been worried sick about you two!"
Rachel looked down, her head aching and her stomach churning. She was suddenly very aware of how warm her grandmother kept the apartment, "It's a little past two....and I know I'm late, but I didn't wear my watch. Amy's still at the party, she wasn't ready to leave and I wanted to come home."
"You could have gotten killed! Raped! Robbed!" Betty shrieked, "What were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself in harm's way?" She stopped, crossing her arms, "Wait a minute, that's a dumb question, of course you were. That's all you seem to care about, getting yourself in harm's way."
Rachel crossed her arm, her temper flaring, "First off, how DARE you say that about me? What in the hell makes you think you know me at all? You haven't taken 10 seconds of your precious time to try to learn the slightest thing about me in TWO years. And second, if I was going to go out of my way to get killed, I would have been a lot more successful and it would have been right after I moved to this awful place. And for your information, Monica's brother walked me home, so I wasn't in any danger at all!"
Betty's hand flew across Rachel's face, the sound vibrating through the apartment, "I have tried to learn more about you since day one Rachel, but you don't want to let anyone know you. Let's get some things straight missy. You will NEVER raise your voice to me in my home again. If it weren't for me, you'd be in an orphanage somewhere, or an institution. Did you know your parents wanted to admit you to a hospital? But I wouldn't let them, I wanted to try and help you. And this is the thanks I get for it? You are an ungrateful little brat with a bad attitude!"
Rachel opened her mouth to protest, but Betty cut her off once more, "And the thanks I get for bringing you into my home, altering my life around your needs, is a slut of a granddaughter!"
"A slut?" Rachel gasped, "Ross walked me home! That's it!"
"Boys at that age only have one thing on their mind Rachel, and that's sex. If you can't see that, then you're more naive than I thought. You're not allowed to be alone with boys again. There was a reason I wanted you and Amy to stick together. You need someone looking out for you, you make awful decisions." Betty scolded, "Now go to your room and go to bed."
Rachel bit back tears, crossing her arms and glaring at her grandmother, "Ross is not like that. He's caring and sweet. He's a friend grandmother. A friend! He's Monica's brother for God's sake, not some horny teenager from school! And you better fuss at Amy like this when she gets home, because it's not fair that she's the princess and I'm always the one getting yelled at!"
"Amy's choices don't ruin lives or marriages!" Betty snapped, losing control of her anger and not able to stop the words that came tumbling out, "Do you realized what you caused with that little stunt two years ago? You drove your mother to drinking! You ruined what was left of their marriage, you plagued their lives with guilt and remorse, you gave them something else to fight over! Your father had just decided to stop drinking and you drove him right back to the bottle! If you wouldn't have been so immature and selfish, your father would be alive today! They could have been happy! You could have been happy! But instead, you decided that you weren't getting enough attention, you were unhappy, and you made a selfish decision that ruined your whole family's lives! You did something that led to your father's death! Your mother is in jail for crying out loud! How does that make you feel Rachel? How does that make you feel?"
Rachel started to sob, covering her face with her hands and sprinting to her room, where she collapsed on the bed and cried as hard as he body would let her. All of the awful things she had been thinking....the guilt she had been carrying around...it was all true. Not only did she know deep inside she screwed up Amy's life, Jill's life, her parent's lives, her grandparent's lives...now everyone else knew them too.
~*~
Rachel's cries echoed through the tiny apartment, and Betty was left alone to sit on the couch and feel awful over the things she had said. Up until she said them, she didn't even realize she had been thinking them. And no matter how much she wanted to hold her granddaughter, to reassure her that there was nothing she could do, that it was in no way her fault that any of this mess happened, her body felt like lead.
She didn't even budge when Amy came in nearly an hour and a half later, going into the kitchen to get some water.
Amy walked into the living room, sitting down next to Betty, "Grandma, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Betty said softly, "Go to bed now."
"What's wrong with Rachel?" Amy asked, shocked to hear her sister's muffled cries. She had hoped she stayed out long enough for Rachel to fall asleep before having to face her, "Is she okay?"
"No." Betty replied, staring at the wall in front of her, "Maybe you should talk to her. She needs you right now."
Amy shook her head, "I'm the last person she's going to talk to right now. We sort of had a fight earlier."
"I don't believe she'd want to talk to me either." Betty said slowly, "I just don't know what to do anymore."
"She'll be fine, she's probably just going through a phase." Amy reassured her grandmother, "What happened between you two?"
Betty sighed, "I said some things I shouldn't have, things got out of line. It's just so hard to get her to listen...."
"You should go and talk to her." Amy said gently, "It's not going to get better if you don't. And both of you aren't happy, that's pretty obvious."
"I just don't know what to say." Betty said, standing and tightening her robe, "An "I'm sorry" just won't do in this situation."
"It wouldn't hurt to try." Amy said, covering herself with the afghan on the sofa, "I'll wait here until you're done."
~*~
Betty walked into Rachel's room, sitting next to her on the bed, an awkward silence filling the room.
"I knew you wouldn't fuss at Amy." Rachel muttered, wiping away her tears, determined not to let her grandmother see her cry. "Just admit it, you love her more than me."
Betty stroked Rachel's back gently, "She's definitely easier than you...but that doesn't mean I love her more. I love you a great deal Rachel, and I'm sorry I got out of control back there. You know how hard it is to lose someone you love, right? I lost a son, and I'm still trying to adjust to that. None of this is your fault, and I'm terribly sorry for saying it was."
"It is my fault." Rachel muttered, sniffling as she buried her head into her soft pillow, "It's always my fault."
Betty continued to stroke Rachel's back, "No sweetheart...it wasn't your fault at all. There was no way that your Mom and Dad could have made things work, they were already past that point. And if anything, your problem helped bring them a little closer. But it didn't make things worse, none of this is your doing. Do you think one little girl could make that big of a difference? I'm sorry I said those things, I didn't know what I was saying, and I feel just plain awful about hurting you that way."
"It's okay." Rachel said, rolling over and staring at the wall, "I'm fine, really."
"Are you?" Betty asked, "You don't look fine."
Rachel shrugged, "I just don't feel well."
"Get some rest, okay Ray? Tomorrow I'll make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate and we'll do some shopping." Betty said, hoping to try and make amends.
Rachel shook her head, "You can't afford a shopping trip. But cinnamon rolls sounds great. I'm not mad at you." she said softly, knowing that was what her grandmother wanted to hear.
"I'll buy you any outfit you want, whether it's from Saks or the thrift store." Betty promised, "Just me and you."
Rachel shrugged, sighing, "Okay, if you insist."
Betty gave Rachel a smile, "Sleep tight." She whispered before walking down the hall to her own room.
Rachel laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. She hated feeling like this. So guilty, so horrible, so angry, so jealous and bitter. Had she really destroyed all of their lives? Inadvertently killed her own father? Tears stung her eyes and made silent rivers down her cheeks. She had never felt this awful in her entire life. Were things really supposed to be this complicated at just 15?
Amy walked in the room, assuming Rachel was asleep, since she was quiet. Crawling into her own bed, she immediately succumbed to sleep.
Once Rachel was sure that her sister was asleep, she pulled out her bottle of sleeping pills, emptying the small pills onto her bedspread and counting them. She knew it was time, that she would just be doing everyone a favor. She wrecked everything, she ruined everything. She was the daughter they were ashamed of, the one that caused their lives to crumble. Picking up her bottle of water off the bedside table, she took a handful of pills, making a face as the chalky pills started dissolving before she could even swallow them all. After she had choked down one handful, she placed the rest in her mouth, drinking several gulps of water to aid in swallowing them.
She laid on her bed, waiting to fall asleep, waiting to die. Her mind flashed back to the conversation, well, fight, that she just had with her grandmother. Shawn and Amy kissing. Hearing about her father's death, her mother's arrest. The day they sent her away. The look of disappointment in their eyes, pity in their tones. She thought of the holidays she had missed with her family, forced to live in New York with her grandmother who didn't celebrate a single special day. The birthdays her parents had forgotten, no cards, no gifts, no phone calls.
She began to cry again, whimpering softly as her rotten life flashed before her. All of a sudden, a wave of nausea passed through her and she found herself instantly in the bathroom, vomiting the bitter pills, along with the large amount of alcohol she had drank, tears streaming down her face.
Another failed attempt. Another failure. She couldn't get it right twice. What was wrong with her? She threw up again, beginning to sob softly. She was never drinking again, that was for sure. As she bent over, her whole body in pain and spasms, she prayed that her grandmother would never find out about this, then she'd send her to an institution for sure.
She vomited several more times, until all that was left was spit and streaks of blood. Flushing the toilet, she stood up and made her way out of the bathroom, longing to just be in her bed.
She made it halfway across her room before passing out and falling to the floor with a loud thud.
Amy was instantly awake, shaking her sister, "Oh my God! Rachel? Rach? Are you okay?"
Rachel moaned, her eyes fluttering open and trying to adjust, "What?"
"What happened?" Amy asked, "What's going on?"
Rachel sat up slowly, her head swimming, "I...I don't know. I don't feel good Amy."
"Were you drinking at the party?" Amy questioned, pulling Rachel to her feet, "Not good Rach, not good at all."
Rachel stumbled to her bed, collapsing on it and enjoying the soft surface, "Leave me alone, it wasn't my idea to drink."
"You are going to be so hung over." Amy stated, covering her sister, "Have you ever drank before?"
Rachel shook her head, instantly regretting the sudden movement, "No. But all I want to do is go to bed, so could you shut up?"
"Yeah." Amy said with a sigh, "Let me know if you need anything."
Amy went back to her bed, and Rachel stared at her ceiling, welcoming the sleep that was coming over her. Yeah, she needed something. She needed to be gone from the world. But Amy just couldn't do that for her. There had to be an easier way....a way that even she couldn't mess up.
~*~
Ross picked up beer cans, glaring at Monica, who was snoring on the couch. Finally, everyone had left and his home was now quiet once more. He had about 5 hours before his parents would be home, and he was starting to think it would take that long to clean up.
He thought of Rachel, smiling as he replayed their conversation. He wasn't sure, but it was almost like she was flirting with him a little. And he had no problems with that! The more he was around her, the more he wanted to know about her.
Monica stirred, and Ross threw the trash bag at her, "Come on and help me."
"I'm sleeping." Monica mumbled, yawning, "Leave me alone."
Ross groaned, "You've got to help me!"
"No!" Monica hissed, stomping upstairs, "Do it yourself, it was your damn party."
He heard her door slam shut and he knew she was going to be asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, after all, they had both been awake way past 24 hours now.
As he picked up the remaining garbage from the party, he starting going through his clothes mentally...what was he going to wear when Rachel came over that afternoon? And better yet, how was he going to get her to open up to him, when his sister had been trying for 2 years without any success?
Let me know what you think, or I may not continue.....
Enjoy, and even if you think it sucks, let me know. Feeback is critical to me at this point, and for me continuing.
Katie.
Part Two:
Rachel wandered around the party in a daze, searching for her sister, ready to leave, but Amy was nowhere in sight.
She was so caught up in what just happened that she didn't see Monica until she bumped into her, "Oh Gosh, I'm so sorry Monica."
"It's okay, are you okay? You don't look so good." Monica said, touching Rachel's arm with concern.
Rachel shook her head, "I just want to find Amy, have you seen her?"
"She went outside by the pool awhile back with some of the senior players, but I haven't seen her since. You want to come hang out with us?"
Rachel nodded, trying to calm the hysteria building up in her chest, "No, I should really find Amy...I'm ready to leave."
"What happened?" Monica asked, instantly worried. Rachel looked like she was coming apart at the seams, this being this first time Rachel had showed any sort of distress over anything since she had known her, "Is it Shawn?"
Rachel's eyes darted around the room quickly upon the mention of his name, "Sort of...I don't know. Things are just really messed up. And it's getting close to my curfew, my grandmother will kill me if I'm late, she already doesn't trust me, my head hurts, I'm scared, and I think I just made a really bad choice."
"It's okay...." Monica soothed, leading Rachel upstairs to her bedroom, "Sit down on my bed, I'll get you some water, and we'll talk about this. You've got to calm down."
Monica disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a glass of punch, "This is all we have....I don't think it's been spiked. Now, what happened?"
"I don't know...." Rachel moaned, "Well, I know, but I just can't tell you." She took a sip of the punch, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes, "You'll think I'm an awful person."
"Everyone makes mistakes Rachel." Monica said softly, bringing her hand to Rachel's hair and smoothing it gently, "I could never think you're awful...I think you're pretty cool...."
"I kissed Shawn." Rachel blurted out, tears streaming down her cheeks, "And I let him do....other stuff....to me. And I'm sore, I'm tired, and I just want to find my sister and forget about it, you know?"
Monica pulled Rachel into a tight hug, "I know. Why don't you stay here for a few minutes, calm down, and then I'll help you look for Amy?"
Rachel was about to respond when the door opened and Phoebe walked in, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. I was just coming to touch up my nail polish."
"It's okay, we're just taking a break from downstairs." Monica said with a shrug, leaning back against the pillows on her bed, "Where are the guys?"
Phoebe smirked, "Joey and Chandler crashed in Ross's room, and Ross is running back and forth between the 'football group' and the 'science club' group. It's pretty entertaining."
"Have you seen Amy?" Rachel asked softly, her voice cracking as she watched the two friends visit. She had never been in that kind of relationship, and she was growing more and more jealous by the minute. When did this start happening? She never used to care about having friends, missing out....and suddenly, she realized how alone she was. She just wanted to go home and sleep the night away...the weekend away.
Phoebe shook her head, "I saw her with Shawn a bit ago, I assumed you were nearby."
Rachel stood, finishing her punch, which by the way, was definitely spiked. Even though she had never drank before this night, she could distinctly smell and taste the crown in it, something her father used to drink as if it were water. "I'm going to go find her."
She rushed from the room, praying he hadn't ratted on her to Amy. That's just the kind of gossip that would send her grandmother over the edge and turn her into a Nazi where Rachel was concerned.
She rushed out to the balcony where she had Shawn had been fooling around, and let out a loud yelp when she saw what was in front of her. Amy was sitting with Shawn, his arms tightly around her as they deeply kissed.
They broke apart, both guilty, "Rachel!" They exclaimed in unison.
Amy jumped to her feet, "Rach, I can explain...you can't tell Grandmother about this, she'll kill me."
"It's not like it looks." Shawn added, forgetting momentarily that Amy had no clue what he had done with her sister just a half hour prior, "She means nothing to me!"
"What?" Amy exclaimed, pulling away from him, "Excuse me?!"
"Forget it." Rachel muttered, turning and fleeing from the balcony, running directly into Ross and falling backwards onto the ground.
"Rachel? Are you alright?" Ross asked, helping her to her feet, "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you."
Rachel shook her head, "No, it's my fault. I'm okay, I'm just ready to go home."
"Would you like me to walk you?" Ross asked, concerned about her safety roaming the streets of the city well past midnight, "And that's not a question, I'm walking you whether you'd like me to or not."
Rachel managed a small smile, allowing him to lead her outside, "My sister is such a two faced lying whore."
Wrapping his jacket around her, he led her down the dimly lit street, "I don't think it was your sister as much as Shawn Miller." he pointed out, "He always pulls crap like that. Every time he sees a beautiful girl, he can't refuse."
"So I'm beautiful?" Rachel asked, glancing at him as they made their way through an alley, holding hands tightly, "Is that what you're saying?"
Ross blushed, looking away, "Sure...I mean, you're very pretty. I'm surprised Shawn was the only guy hitting on you."
"Prettier than Phoebe?" Rachel asked, "Prettier than Monica?"
Ross stopped, raising an eyebrow, "First off, Monica's my sister so I won't even go there. And Phoebe....she's too weird for me. She's pretty and all, but I'd rather judge a person by their inside and outside instead of just their outside."
"Then you'd never fall for me." Rachel muttered, picking up her pace.
Ross looked over at her, struggling to keep his hands off of her, "Why would you say that? You're nice, sweet, funny, pretty....a great package, all in one."
"You don't know me." Rachel said quietly, distancing herself a bit, "I mean, you know who I am, but you don't know the real me."
Ross cocked his head to the side, "I'd like to get the chance, but every time we get you alone, you run away."
"I'm not used to having any friends." Rachel said with a shrug, "It's not a big deal."
They walked in silence for awhile, stopping when they arrived at the brownstone where Rachel lived. She gave him a soft smile, "Thank you for walking me home."
"Anytime. Can I give you some advice?" Ross asked, reaching into his pocket.
Rachel shrugged, "Whatever."
"Eat this peppermint before you go inside....your grandmother would flip if she smelled alcohol on your breath." Ross said with a smile, "And try not to stumble around like you did walking over here."
Rachel rolled her eyes, her head pounding still, "I'll try to keep that in mind. Night Ross."
"Wait!" He called out as she walked to the door. She stopped and turned around, and he took a few steps towards her. He gave her a soft smile, "Everyone needs at least one or two friends."
Rachel blushed slightly, shrugging, "I'll keep that in mind."
"We're all getting together tomorrow to watch a movie, you're welcome to come if you want, 2:30ish."
Nodding, Rachel walked to the door, "I'll keep that in mind."
"Is that all you say?" Ross joked, "If you don't want my advice, tell me to shut up."
Rachel smiled again, her face a crimson red, "I'll keep that in mind." she said a last time before walking into the building and letting the door shut behind her.
~*~
The moment she got upstairs, she wished she was back on the street with Ross. The door hadn't even shut all the way, and Betty Green was staring her down like a tiger to it's prey.
"Do you know what time it is?" she barked, "Where the hell is your sister? I've been worried sick about you two!"
Rachel looked down, her head aching and her stomach churning. She was suddenly very aware of how warm her grandmother kept the apartment, "It's a little past two....and I know I'm late, but I didn't wear my watch. Amy's still at the party, she wasn't ready to leave and I wanted to come home."
"You could have gotten killed! Raped! Robbed!" Betty shrieked, "What were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself in harm's way?" She stopped, crossing her arms, "Wait a minute, that's a dumb question, of course you were. That's all you seem to care about, getting yourself in harm's way."
Rachel crossed her arm, her temper flaring, "First off, how DARE you say that about me? What in the hell makes you think you know me at all? You haven't taken 10 seconds of your precious time to try to learn the slightest thing about me in TWO years. And second, if I was going to go out of my way to get killed, I would have been a lot more successful and it would have been right after I moved to this awful place. And for your information, Monica's brother walked me home, so I wasn't in any danger at all!"
Betty's hand flew across Rachel's face, the sound vibrating through the apartment, "I have tried to learn more about you since day one Rachel, but you don't want to let anyone know you. Let's get some things straight missy. You will NEVER raise your voice to me in my home again. If it weren't for me, you'd be in an orphanage somewhere, or an institution. Did you know your parents wanted to admit you to a hospital? But I wouldn't let them, I wanted to try and help you. And this is the thanks I get for it? You are an ungrateful little brat with a bad attitude!"
Rachel opened her mouth to protest, but Betty cut her off once more, "And the thanks I get for bringing you into my home, altering my life around your needs, is a slut of a granddaughter!"
"A slut?" Rachel gasped, "Ross walked me home! That's it!"
"Boys at that age only have one thing on their mind Rachel, and that's sex. If you can't see that, then you're more naive than I thought. You're not allowed to be alone with boys again. There was a reason I wanted you and Amy to stick together. You need someone looking out for you, you make awful decisions." Betty scolded, "Now go to your room and go to bed."
Rachel bit back tears, crossing her arms and glaring at her grandmother, "Ross is not like that. He's caring and sweet. He's a friend grandmother. A friend! He's Monica's brother for God's sake, not some horny teenager from school! And you better fuss at Amy like this when she gets home, because it's not fair that she's the princess and I'm always the one getting yelled at!"
"Amy's choices don't ruin lives or marriages!" Betty snapped, losing control of her anger and not able to stop the words that came tumbling out, "Do you realized what you caused with that little stunt two years ago? You drove your mother to drinking! You ruined what was left of their marriage, you plagued their lives with guilt and remorse, you gave them something else to fight over! Your father had just decided to stop drinking and you drove him right back to the bottle! If you wouldn't have been so immature and selfish, your father would be alive today! They could have been happy! You could have been happy! But instead, you decided that you weren't getting enough attention, you were unhappy, and you made a selfish decision that ruined your whole family's lives! You did something that led to your father's death! Your mother is in jail for crying out loud! How does that make you feel Rachel? How does that make you feel?"
Rachel started to sob, covering her face with her hands and sprinting to her room, where she collapsed on the bed and cried as hard as he body would let her. All of the awful things she had been thinking....the guilt she had been carrying around...it was all true. Not only did she know deep inside she screwed up Amy's life, Jill's life, her parent's lives, her grandparent's lives...now everyone else knew them too.
~*~
Rachel's cries echoed through the tiny apartment, and Betty was left alone to sit on the couch and feel awful over the things she had said. Up until she said them, she didn't even realize she had been thinking them. And no matter how much she wanted to hold her granddaughter, to reassure her that there was nothing she could do, that it was in no way her fault that any of this mess happened, her body felt like lead.
She didn't even budge when Amy came in nearly an hour and a half later, going into the kitchen to get some water.
Amy walked into the living room, sitting down next to Betty, "Grandma, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Betty said softly, "Go to bed now."
"What's wrong with Rachel?" Amy asked, shocked to hear her sister's muffled cries. She had hoped she stayed out long enough for Rachel to fall asleep before having to face her, "Is she okay?"
"No." Betty replied, staring at the wall in front of her, "Maybe you should talk to her. She needs you right now."
Amy shook her head, "I'm the last person she's going to talk to right now. We sort of had a fight earlier."
"I don't believe she'd want to talk to me either." Betty said slowly, "I just don't know what to do anymore."
"She'll be fine, she's probably just going through a phase." Amy reassured her grandmother, "What happened between you two?"
Betty sighed, "I said some things I shouldn't have, things got out of line. It's just so hard to get her to listen...."
"You should go and talk to her." Amy said gently, "It's not going to get better if you don't. And both of you aren't happy, that's pretty obvious."
"I just don't know what to say." Betty said, standing and tightening her robe, "An "I'm sorry" just won't do in this situation."
"It wouldn't hurt to try." Amy said, covering herself with the afghan on the sofa, "I'll wait here until you're done."
~*~
Betty walked into Rachel's room, sitting next to her on the bed, an awkward silence filling the room.
"I knew you wouldn't fuss at Amy." Rachel muttered, wiping away her tears, determined not to let her grandmother see her cry. "Just admit it, you love her more than me."
Betty stroked Rachel's back gently, "She's definitely easier than you...but that doesn't mean I love her more. I love you a great deal Rachel, and I'm sorry I got out of control back there. You know how hard it is to lose someone you love, right? I lost a son, and I'm still trying to adjust to that. None of this is your fault, and I'm terribly sorry for saying it was."
"It is my fault." Rachel muttered, sniffling as she buried her head into her soft pillow, "It's always my fault."
Betty continued to stroke Rachel's back, "No sweetheart...it wasn't your fault at all. There was no way that your Mom and Dad could have made things work, they were already past that point. And if anything, your problem helped bring them a little closer. But it didn't make things worse, none of this is your doing. Do you think one little girl could make that big of a difference? I'm sorry I said those things, I didn't know what I was saying, and I feel just plain awful about hurting you that way."
"It's okay." Rachel said, rolling over and staring at the wall, "I'm fine, really."
"Are you?" Betty asked, "You don't look fine."
Rachel shrugged, "I just don't feel well."
"Get some rest, okay Ray? Tomorrow I'll make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate and we'll do some shopping." Betty said, hoping to try and make amends.
Rachel shook her head, "You can't afford a shopping trip. But cinnamon rolls sounds great. I'm not mad at you." she said softly, knowing that was what her grandmother wanted to hear.
"I'll buy you any outfit you want, whether it's from Saks or the thrift store." Betty promised, "Just me and you."
Rachel shrugged, sighing, "Okay, if you insist."
Betty gave Rachel a smile, "Sleep tight." She whispered before walking down the hall to her own room.
Rachel laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. She hated feeling like this. So guilty, so horrible, so angry, so jealous and bitter. Had she really destroyed all of their lives? Inadvertently killed her own father? Tears stung her eyes and made silent rivers down her cheeks. She had never felt this awful in her entire life. Were things really supposed to be this complicated at just 15?
Amy walked in the room, assuming Rachel was asleep, since she was quiet. Crawling into her own bed, she immediately succumbed to sleep.
Once Rachel was sure that her sister was asleep, she pulled out her bottle of sleeping pills, emptying the small pills onto her bedspread and counting them. She knew it was time, that she would just be doing everyone a favor. She wrecked everything, she ruined everything. She was the daughter they were ashamed of, the one that caused their lives to crumble. Picking up her bottle of water off the bedside table, she took a handful of pills, making a face as the chalky pills started dissolving before she could even swallow them all. After she had choked down one handful, she placed the rest in her mouth, drinking several gulps of water to aid in swallowing them.
She laid on her bed, waiting to fall asleep, waiting to die. Her mind flashed back to the conversation, well, fight, that she just had with her grandmother. Shawn and Amy kissing. Hearing about her father's death, her mother's arrest. The day they sent her away. The look of disappointment in their eyes, pity in their tones. She thought of the holidays she had missed with her family, forced to live in New York with her grandmother who didn't celebrate a single special day. The birthdays her parents had forgotten, no cards, no gifts, no phone calls.
She began to cry again, whimpering softly as her rotten life flashed before her. All of a sudden, a wave of nausea passed through her and she found herself instantly in the bathroom, vomiting the bitter pills, along with the large amount of alcohol she had drank, tears streaming down her face.
Another failed attempt. Another failure. She couldn't get it right twice. What was wrong with her? She threw up again, beginning to sob softly. She was never drinking again, that was for sure. As she bent over, her whole body in pain and spasms, she prayed that her grandmother would never find out about this, then she'd send her to an institution for sure.
She vomited several more times, until all that was left was spit and streaks of blood. Flushing the toilet, she stood up and made her way out of the bathroom, longing to just be in her bed.
She made it halfway across her room before passing out and falling to the floor with a loud thud.
Amy was instantly awake, shaking her sister, "Oh my God! Rachel? Rach? Are you okay?"
Rachel moaned, her eyes fluttering open and trying to adjust, "What?"
"What happened?" Amy asked, "What's going on?"
Rachel sat up slowly, her head swimming, "I...I don't know. I don't feel good Amy."
"Were you drinking at the party?" Amy questioned, pulling Rachel to her feet, "Not good Rach, not good at all."
Rachel stumbled to her bed, collapsing on it and enjoying the soft surface, "Leave me alone, it wasn't my idea to drink."
"You are going to be so hung over." Amy stated, covering her sister, "Have you ever drank before?"
Rachel shook her head, instantly regretting the sudden movement, "No. But all I want to do is go to bed, so could you shut up?"
"Yeah." Amy said with a sigh, "Let me know if you need anything."
Amy went back to her bed, and Rachel stared at her ceiling, welcoming the sleep that was coming over her. Yeah, she needed something. She needed to be gone from the world. But Amy just couldn't do that for her. There had to be an easier way....a way that even she couldn't mess up.
~*~
Ross picked up beer cans, glaring at Monica, who was snoring on the couch. Finally, everyone had left and his home was now quiet once more. He had about 5 hours before his parents would be home, and he was starting to think it would take that long to clean up.
He thought of Rachel, smiling as he replayed their conversation. He wasn't sure, but it was almost like she was flirting with him a little. And he had no problems with that! The more he was around her, the more he wanted to know about her.
Monica stirred, and Ross threw the trash bag at her, "Come on and help me."
"I'm sleeping." Monica mumbled, yawning, "Leave me alone."
Ross groaned, "You've got to help me!"
"No!" Monica hissed, stomping upstairs, "Do it yourself, it was your damn party."
He heard her door slam shut and he knew she was going to be asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, after all, they had both been awake way past 24 hours now.
As he picked up the remaining garbage from the party, he starting going through his clothes mentally...what was he going to wear when Rachel came over that afternoon? And better yet, how was he going to get her to open up to him, when his sister had been trying for 2 years without any success?
Let me know what you think, or I may not continue.....