Wow, I must have been really inspired today...before I even noticed it, I
had written 10 pages. Please let me know if you're reading this, and any
comments or suggestions are very appreciated! This is my first writing
project on Friends, and I'm not sure how this is going. I used to write
soap opera fanfic, well, I've written one, which is why this tends to be
dramatic. But it will cheer up soon, don't worry about that!
I don't own anyone, except Betty, she's mine. And if I did own them, I'd be partying with them right now, instead of sitting behind my computer screen. Still saving up to buy at least one of them. haha.
Katie.
Part 3:
Just as sunlight was cracking through her blinds, Rachel awoke with a start, her heart racing. She sat up, gasping for breath, trying to figure out what had brought her from her sleep.
She looked over at her sister, who was sleeping soundly, and then down at her own bed, trying to get her mind out of the thick fog surrounding her every thought.
Her heart was beating faster than she had ever felt it race before, and she was almost certain that it was about to burst through her bone and skin to explode right in front of her.
Her eyes focused on the empty bottle of pills, and all of a sudden the night's events flashed before her eyes. Groaning, she stood up and wobbly made her way to the door. Her head ached terribly, and she wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol, pills, or both. All she knew was that her mouth felt like it was full of cotton, her throat coated with sandpaper.
She opened the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a huge gulp, moaning as her mouth and throat began to return to normal. She put the cool bottle to her head, full of relief. She quickly finished the bottle of water, and retrieved another before going back to her bedroom.
She laid down, still aware of her pounding chest. She looked up at the ceiling, giving a silent plea, begging to die now if she was indeed going to die. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she allowed them to close, falling into a fitful sleep.
~*~
Ross groggily looked at the clock, wondering if he should get up yet or not. Realizing he had only gone to sleep 3 hours prior, he allowed his eyes to shut again. He could hear voices downstairs, and he was only vaguely aware that his parents had arrived back home.
He rolled over, his arm coming in contact with another person. Opening his eyes again, he groaned when he realized his best friends were also crammed into his tiny bed with him, one of them drooling and the other teetering close to the other side of the bed.
Grabbing his pillow and comforter, he wandered downstairs, half asleep, in search of he couch. His head had just hit the pillow when he heard his mother's voice, "Ross, dear, it's almost 9:00, don't you think you should be getting up?"
"And explaining why there is evidence of a party?" Jack asked, his hands on his hips, "Do you remember discussing the rules with your mother and I before we left?"
Ross opened one eye, totally drained and starting to get irritated, "Can't you just let me sleep for a little while longer before you start fussing?"
"No." Judy replied, crossing her arms, "We're going to talk about this right now. I'm so disappointed in you! You blatantly disobeyed us! How do you expect us to trust you and Monica if we leave for 3 days and come back to find our house in shambles?"
Ross struggled to sit, his head heavy, "I know, I messed up. I'm sorry. But I'm also very, very tired. I swear I'll finish cleaning as soon as I get up, but I just can't do it right now."
"Fine, go back to sleep, but as soon as you and your sister wake up, we're having a serious discussion." Jack allowed, leading a protesting Judy out of the living room.
Deciding it would be a better idea to go back upstairs and hide until he was ready to get yelled at, he stumbled into Monica's room, curling up on the floor by her bed as the sounds of his parents arguing ascended up the stairs.
~*~
Rachel awoke again, her whole body aching. She glanced over at the clock, which read noon. She looked over at her sister's bed, which was empty, and as she pulled her covers tighter around her, she could hear Amy and her grandmother talking in the other room.
Her heart was still racing, although not as badly as before, and her headache had been reduced from a severe throbbing to a mild pain. Sitting up, she drank a little more of her water, and stretched. She started to get out of bed, and then realized she really didn't want to face her grandmother or Amy at this point, and settled on just going back to bed.
The next time she looked at the clock, it was saying the time was past 3:00, and the only reason she had even opened her eyes was because Amy was roughly shaking her, "Rachel!"
"Go away." Rachel muttered, pulling away and burrowing back underneath her covers, "I'm sleeping."
Amy shook her again, this time opening the blinds and allowing the bright sun to enter the room, "Grandmother is getting antsy, wake up! You've been sleeping all day!"
"I'm tired." Rachel mumbled, pulling the pillow over her face, "Go away Amy."
Amy climbed onto Rachel's small twin bed and began to bounce up and down, "Get up, get up, get up! You can't possibly still be tired, you went to bed like at like 4:30, you've slept plenty."
"I just want to sleep a little longer, is that too much to ask? Stop being a bitch and go away!" Rachel growled, kicking Amy off the bed with one fierce movement, "I want to be left alone!"
Amy walked away, and Rachel could hear her and Betty talking in the living room over their next plan of action. Groaning, Rachel curled into a ball, tears stinging her eyes for reasons she didn't even know. Her body felt better, physically, she was sure the pills she took hadn't affected her too badly, besides leaving her sleepy and weak, and what was left of her hangover had definitely disappeared. The fog that had been encircling her head since early that morning had disappeared, leaving Rachel feeling miserable and depressed.
She knew she should have gotten up earlier, she had told Ross she'd go over to his place....well, not directly, but she had planned on going. That was, if her grandmother would let her. She wondered if her friends were worried about her, if they had even noticed she was missing, if they even cared.
Doubt entered her mind, followed by the inevitable dark cloud of depression that always lingered nearby. Of course they didn't miss her. It wasn't like she hung out with them often, ever. They were probably relieved she wasn't there. They probably only tolerated her because they were nice. After all, who could like someone as screwed up as she was? Of course, they didn't know her past, but she was sure it was plainly visible. That whole group, Phoebe especially, looked right through her every time she saw them. They had to know what was going on inside her mind, just by what they said and how they said it.
Stifling a sob, she shut her eyes tightly and hoped her sister and grandmother would leave her alone for just a little longer, she wasn't ready to face the world just yet.
~*~
"I have never felt so awful in my entire life." Joey moaned, sitting in Ross's bed while Ross dealt out another round of cards, "What kind of punch was that last night?"
"A very alcoholic kind." Chandler replied, "What is this? Are we still playing poker or what?"
"Yeah, why?" Ross asked, not really into the conversation. Where was Rachel? She had said she was going to come by and hang out with them, and here it was, 4:00 and she still was a no-show.
Monica held up her hand of cards, "You dealt them all out, moron. We each have 10 cards. You and Phoebe have 12."
"We're not supposed to?" Phoebe asked, clueless. She never really tried to play the game, she was more interested in just hanging out and staying away from her own messed up life.
Chandler pushed his cards to the center of their circle, "I don't really want to play anymore....let's do something else."
"Let's watch TV or something." Phoebe suggested, "Or a movie?"
Ross shrugged, taking the cards back, "Whatever."
"What's wrong with you?" Monica asked, noticing her brother's upset look, "Still bummed about Mom and Dad yelling at us?"
"No." Ross replied, "It's nothing."
"He's bummed Rachel didn't come like she said she may." Joey spoke up, wincing when Chandler and Ross shot him angry looks, "Was that a secret?"
Ross rolled his eyes, "Gee, thanks man."
"Rachel never comes over when we invite her." Monica pointed out, "She's just shy. You know that, so why are you upset?"
Ross shrugged, "She gave me the impression that she would."
"She was also beyond drunk." Phoebe said, crossing her legs, "She may not have remembered."
"I don't know." Ross replied, "We had a pretty good time when I was walking her home, I just thought she would have wanted to come."
"Oh my God, you like Rachel!" Monica squealed, "I can't believe it."
"I do not!" Ross protested.
Chandler rolled his eyes, "Oh give it up, it's so obvious that you do like her. You've been ogling her for like a year now."
"Chandler!" Ross hissed, "Leave it alone!"
"Ross and Rachel sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Joey teased happily, laughing when Ross sent a pillow sailing his way. "Come on Ross, you know you like her. You not only like her, you love her."
Monica laughed, pointing her finger at Ross, "I can't believe it! You and Rachel are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend."
"That's not true." Phoebe said softly, "She has to like him too."
"What? So she wouldn't like me? Why not?" Ross asked defensively, "What's wrong with me?"
Phoebe shrugged, "I don't know, I just don't get the dating vibe from Rachel, I don't think she's interested in that."
"Like she's a lesbian?" Joey piped up, his eyes wide.
Monica hit his arm, "She's not a lesbian!"
"How do you know?"
"Because she told me she did some pretty straight things with Shawn last night." Monica said, crossing her arms, "Besides, I think she's just shy....she just needs to open up a bit more before Ross could ask her out."
"I'm not going to ask her out!" Ross said loudly, ":Let it go, okay?"
The gang was silent for a moment. Joey, not even noticing the tension that had built up since they started talking about Ross and Rachel, asked meekly, "If Rachel comes over, do you think she could pick up Chinese for us?"
"She's not coming over!" everyone else exclaimed. Monica shot him a look, throwing her hands in the air, "Did you not get ANY of that conversation?"
Joey made a face at her, and Monica lowered her eyes. Before anything could get out of control, Chandler and Phoebe said in unison, "So what movie are we watching?"
~*~
Rachel laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her grandmother and Amy had gone out to pick up something for dinner, having insisted Rachel would be out of bed by the time they returned.
She glanced at the clock, it was 5:30. A whole day wasted...what else was new? In her opinion, every day was a waste. She reached into her bedside table drawer, picking up her comforting bottle of sleeping pills, then remembering they were empty. Throwing the bottle back into the drawer angrily, Rachel stood, stomping into the bathroom and turning on the shower.
She hated feeling like this! She hated knowing she was a screw up, knowing nothing she did was ever right. She hated that she stood up Ross and Monica, she hated that she wasted another meaningless day of her life, she hated that she lived in this awful city, and she hated that she hated everything.
Glancing in the mirror, she added something else to her list. She hated herself. Her looks, her personality, her body. Nothing was right, nothing at all.
She stepped into the shower, her mind rapidly replaying the events of the last couple of years. From the point she decided she couldn't live her life anymore, then forward six months to the day she actually got the courage to try and take her life. Then on, everything was a blur. The hospital stay, the counseling, the move. Her sister's tears, her mother's disappointment, her father's outrage at everything. The alcohol, the blood, the tears. Her arrival at her grandmother's house. The uncomfortable silence, the new school, the unfriendly kids, the suspicions, the fear. High school, her new friends, fear of them finding out about her. Her father's death, her mother's arrest, her sister's move. And for the first time in two years, Rachel slid to the floor of the shower, crying.
She cried for her bad choices, she cried for her losses. She cried for not having the strength to face her mistakes, she cried from the sudden realization that she had a problem. She cried tears of remorse for her actions, relief that she was finally able to see clearly and hopefully move on.
The water was cold, but Rachel didn't notice. She curled up into a ball, rocking herself back and forth gently. She didn't have to live like this, she could be a better person, she could be happy...she just had to try. And on the cold porcelain floor of the shower, she made a commitment to herself that she would find happiness if it was the last thing she did.
~*~
Betty and Amy arrived back with several bags of fast food, surprised to see Rachel sitting on the sofa, writing into a small notebook.
"You're up?" Amy asked, placing the bag on the counter, "How's it going?"
Rachel looked up, forcing herself to smile, "Good.. What did you get?"
"Burgers and onion rings." Betty replied, "I was going to get sodas too, but Amy wanted smoothies, so we stopped and got some strawberries."
"Sounds great." Rachel said, jumping to her feet, "What can I do to help?"
Betty and Amy looked at each other, raising an eyebrow. Betty watched as Rachel walked into the kitchen, "You can get some plates, I didn't know how you wanted your burger, so I got it just like it came. I figured you could pick off what you didn't want."
"It's fine." Rachel replied, grabbing some plates from the cabinet above the sink, "After dinner, I need to talk to you. Alone." she added, looking in Amy's direction.
Rachel sat at the small kitchen table, taking a deep breath. She couldn't say that having a positive attitude and trying to do the right thing was easy...she was longing to crawl back into bed and sleep her life away....but something inside her said it was the right thing to do. After all, no one was going to make her life better, she was the only one with the ability to do that.
~*~
Amy sat in the tiny bedroom, resisting the urge to open the door and listen to her sister and her grandmother's conversation. She was honestly surprised by Rachel's sudden burst of energy. She hadn't seen her sister with such a positive glow...well, ever. Especially not since she got to New York. Something must have happened, but she just couldn't figure out what.
Rachel sat on the sofa, her hands trembling as she said the words she had been practicing in her head for the last hour. "Grandmother...I....I need to ask something from you."
"What?" Betty asked, taking Rachel's hand in an effort to calm her down, "You can ask me anything."
"I think I need to see a psychologist." Rachel admitted, looking down and fighting tears. "I...I have some problems, and I don't think I can work through them on my own." she looked up at Betty, tears spilling onto her cheeks, "And I know it's expensive, but it doesn't have to be like twice a week or anything, just as much as we can afford. I can get a babysitting job or something. I just....I'm scared to think of what will happen if I don't."
Betty took Rachel into a tight hug, squeezing her so hard that Rachel wasn't able to breathe, "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that." She pulled away, holding Rachel by the shoulders, "I am so proud of you. I know you've been through a lot, and you've got some problems to work out, and I have been waiting for you to come to me for so long for help. I've been saving money here and there, I'll get you an appointment."
"Thank you." Rachel said, looking down, slightly uncomfortable.
Betty kissed Rachel's forehead, "I'm very proud of you, it's very brave to face your fears head on. Whatever I can do to help....I know it's not much, but I'm always right here. Admitting you have a problem is such a big step...I'm glad you realized you can't tackle everything alone."
"I've known for a long time that I have a problem." Rachel admitted, refusing to meet her grandmother's eyes, "I just didn't want to fix it. But I was thinking...it doesn't have to be so bad."
Betty shook her head, "No, it doesn't." Betty pulled her in for a hug, rocking both of them gently, "I love you Rachel."
"I love you too." Rachel whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. Never had she cried so much in such a short amount of time. They pulled apart when the phone rang.
Betty picked it up, speaking through tears that were coming down her own face, "Hello?"
As the person on the other end of the phone began to talk, her face paled a bit, "I don't think that's a good idea."
After listening for a few more seconds, she looked over at Rachel, "Please go get your sister."
"Who is it?" Rachel asked, curious.
Betty's hands trembled, not really knowing how the girls would react to this, "It's your mother."
~*~
"I've been trying to call over there for half an hour, and their line stays busy!" Ross complained, flopping down into his seat at the dining room table, "What could they be doing?"
"Three girls sharing an apartment? Their line's bound to stay pretty tied up." Monica observed. "Get over it, call her tomorrow."
"She was pretty trashed last night, I just want to make sure she's okay." Ross said defensively, "She's a friend, I worry."
Monica rolled her eyes, "We all know you like her, you don't have to pretend you're calling to check on her. You can call to flirt."
"Who do you like?" Judy asked, taking her seat at the table, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"He wishes." Monica smirked, "One of my friends from school, Rachel. Ross has been drooling over her for months."
"I don't think I've met her." Judy replied, "Is she new?"
Monica shook her head, "We mostly just talk at school. She lives with her grandmother and her sister, she moved here from Houston in 7th grade. She's pretty quiet."
"She's pretty period." Ross mumbled, scooping some potatoes onto his plate, "She came over last night and we talked, that's all. I walked her home and I just wanted to call and check on her today."
"Well, you can give her another try after dinner." Judy said as she took a roll from the basket, "Maybe you should invite her over some time."
The phone rang and Ross jumped to his feet, "I'll get it." He rushed to the phone, "Geller residence."
"May I please speak to Monica?" the trembling voice said on the other side.
Ross listened carefully, trying to place the voice, "Can I tell her who's calling?"
"It's Rachel."
"Hey, it's Ross. How are you doing?" he asked, concerned by the tears he could her in her voice.
Rachel sighed on the other end of the line, "Not too great...is Monica there?"
"We're eating dinner, but let me get her real quick." Ross said, sort of upset she didn't call to talk to him.
Monica took the phone, "Hey Rachel, what's going on?"
"I..." Rachel began, tears clouding her voice, "I didn't know who else to call...I've got a major problem."
"We'll be done with dinner in about half an hour, can you come over?" Monica asked, worried, "And you can always call me, that's what friends are for."
"I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner." Rachel said softly, "And I'll be there in 30 minutes."
"It's okay, just be careful." Monica advised, "And whatever it is, we'll help you out, okay?"
Rachel wiped away her tears, speaking softly, "Thank you."
"That's what friends are for." Monica said again, "See you soon."
Rachel hung up the phone, walking into her bedroom where Amy and their grandmother were deep in conversation about their mother's phone call. She cleared her throat, "Grandmother?"
"Hey Rach, how are you holding up?" Betty asked, seeing her granddaughter's swollen red eyes, "It's going to be okay, I promise."
Rachel nodded, clenching her fists as she thought about her mother, "I'm going over to Monica's for a bit, I need to talk to my friends."
"That's fine." Betty said sympathetically, "Are you taking the subway?"
Rachel nodded, "And I've got some money saved, I'll take a cab on the way back if it's too late."
"Take your time, I know this is really hard." Betty said gently, "Call me before you leave their house so I'll know to expect you."
Rachel nodded, slipping on her shoes and grabbing her purse, "I'll be back."
~*~
When Rachel arrived at Ross and Monica's house, Ross was the one who answered the door.
"Rach, you look awful." he observed, ushering her in, "What's wrong?"
Rachel looked up at him with teary eyes, and flung herself into his arms, sobbing, "Everything. I just don't know what to do."
Ross rubbed her back gently, not able to deny how good it felt to have her there, and to be holding her like this, "It's going to be okay, Monica and I will help you. If need be, we can call in reinforcements."
"You're going to think I'm some kind of freak." Rachel mumbled into his shoulder as he led her upstairs where Monica was waiting.
Ross shook his head, "Never. Look at all of our other friends."
"I don't even know where to start." Rachel said tearfully, "I don't even know why I came here."
"Because we're your friends, and you need someone to run this by that's not 70." Ross offered with a slight smile, "And you'll start from the beginning, it's a good place because then we don't get as confused."
Despite the misery and apprehension she felt, Rachel cracked a small smile, "You don't know what you just got yourself into."
Please let me know if you're still reading!
I don't own anyone, except Betty, she's mine. And if I did own them, I'd be partying with them right now, instead of sitting behind my computer screen. Still saving up to buy at least one of them. haha.
Katie.
Part 3:
Just as sunlight was cracking through her blinds, Rachel awoke with a start, her heart racing. She sat up, gasping for breath, trying to figure out what had brought her from her sleep.
She looked over at her sister, who was sleeping soundly, and then down at her own bed, trying to get her mind out of the thick fog surrounding her every thought.
Her heart was beating faster than she had ever felt it race before, and she was almost certain that it was about to burst through her bone and skin to explode right in front of her.
Her eyes focused on the empty bottle of pills, and all of a sudden the night's events flashed before her eyes. Groaning, she stood up and wobbly made her way to the door. Her head ached terribly, and she wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol, pills, or both. All she knew was that her mouth felt like it was full of cotton, her throat coated with sandpaper.
She opened the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a huge gulp, moaning as her mouth and throat began to return to normal. She put the cool bottle to her head, full of relief. She quickly finished the bottle of water, and retrieved another before going back to her bedroom.
She laid down, still aware of her pounding chest. She looked up at the ceiling, giving a silent plea, begging to die now if she was indeed going to die. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she allowed them to close, falling into a fitful sleep.
~*~
Ross groggily looked at the clock, wondering if he should get up yet or not. Realizing he had only gone to sleep 3 hours prior, he allowed his eyes to shut again. He could hear voices downstairs, and he was only vaguely aware that his parents had arrived back home.
He rolled over, his arm coming in contact with another person. Opening his eyes again, he groaned when he realized his best friends were also crammed into his tiny bed with him, one of them drooling and the other teetering close to the other side of the bed.
Grabbing his pillow and comforter, he wandered downstairs, half asleep, in search of he couch. His head had just hit the pillow when he heard his mother's voice, "Ross, dear, it's almost 9:00, don't you think you should be getting up?"
"And explaining why there is evidence of a party?" Jack asked, his hands on his hips, "Do you remember discussing the rules with your mother and I before we left?"
Ross opened one eye, totally drained and starting to get irritated, "Can't you just let me sleep for a little while longer before you start fussing?"
"No." Judy replied, crossing her arms, "We're going to talk about this right now. I'm so disappointed in you! You blatantly disobeyed us! How do you expect us to trust you and Monica if we leave for 3 days and come back to find our house in shambles?"
Ross struggled to sit, his head heavy, "I know, I messed up. I'm sorry. But I'm also very, very tired. I swear I'll finish cleaning as soon as I get up, but I just can't do it right now."
"Fine, go back to sleep, but as soon as you and your sister wake up, we're having a serious discussion." Jack allowed, leading a protesting Judy out of the living room.
Deciding it would be a better idea to go back upstairs and hide until he was ready to get yelled at, he stumbled into Monica's room, curling up on the floor by her bed as the sounds of his parents arguing ascended up the stairs.
~*~
Rachel awoke again, her whole body aching. She glanced over at the clock, which read noon. She looked over at her sister's bed, which was empty, and as she pulled her covers tighter around her, she could hear Amy and her grandmother talking in the other room.
Her heart was still racing, although not as badly as before, and her headache had been reduced from a severe throbbing to a mild pain. Sitting up, she drank a little more of her water, and stretched. She started to get out of bed, and then realized she really didn't want to face her grandmother or Amy at this point, and settled on just going back to bed.
The next time she looked at the clock, it was saying the time was past 3:00, and the only reason she had even opened her eyes was because Amy was roughly shaking her, "Rachel!"
"Go away." Rachel muttered, pulling away and burrowing back underneath her covers, "I'm sleeping."
Amy shook her again, this time opening the blinds and allowing the bright sun to enter the room, "Grandmother is getting antsy, wake up! You've been sleeping all day!"
"I'm tired." Rachel mumbled, pulling the pillow over her face, "Go away Amy."
Amy climbed onto Rachel's small twin bed and began to bounce up and down, "Get up, get up, get up! You can't possibly still be tired, you went to bed like at like 4:30, you've slept plenty."
"I just want to sleep a little longer, is that too much to ask? Stop being a bitch and go away!" Rachel growled, kicking Amy off the bed with one fierce movement, "I want to be left alone!"
Amy walked away, and Rachel could hear her and Betty talking in the living room over their next plan of action. Groaning, Rachel curled into a ball, tears stinging her eyes for reasons she didn't even know. Her body felt better, physically, she was sure the pills she took hadn't affected her too badly, besides leaving her sleepy and weak, and what was left of her hangover had definitely disappeared. The fog that had been encircling her head since early that morning had disappeared, leaving Rachel feeling miserable and depressed.
She knew she should have gotten up earlier, she had told Ross she'd go over to his place....well, not directly, but she had planned on going. That was, if her grandmother would let her. She wondered if her friends were worried about her, if they had even noticed she was missing, if they even cared.
Doubt entered her mind, followed by the inevitable dark cloud of depression that always lingered nearby. Of course they didn't miss her. It wasn't like she hung out with them often, ever. They were probably relieved she wasn't there. They probably only tolerated her because they were nice. After all, who could like someone as screwed up as she was? Of course, they didn't know her past, but she was sure it was plainly visible. That whole group, Phoebe especially, looked right through her every time she saw them. They had to know what was going on inside her mind, just by what they said and how they said it.
Stifling a sob, she shut her eyes tightly and hoped her sister and grandmother would leave her alone for just a little longer, she wasn't ready to face the world just yet.
~*~
"I have never felt so awful in my entire life." Joey moaned, sitting in Ross's bed while Ross dealt out another round of cards, "What kind of punch was that last night?"
"A very alcoholic kind." Chandler replied, "What is this? Are we still playing poker or what?"
"Yeah, why?" Ross asked, not really into the conversation. Where was Rachel? She had said she was going to come by and hang out with them, and here it was, 4:00 and she still was a no-show.
Monica held up her hand of cards, "You dealt them all out, moron. We each have 10 cards. You and Phoebe have 12."
"We're not supposed to?" Phoebe asked, clueless. She never really tried to play the game, she was more interested in just hanging out and staying away from her own messed up life.
Chandler pushed his cards to the center of their circle, "I don't really want to play anymore....let's do something else."
"Let's watch TV or something." Phoebe suggested, "Or a movie?"
Ross shrugged, taking the cards back, "Whatever."
"What's wrong with you?" Monica asked, noticing her brother's upset look, "Still bummed about Mom and Dad yelling at us?"
"No." Ross replied, "It's nothing."
"He's bummed Rachel didn't come like she said she may." Joey spoke up, wincing when Chandler and Ross shot him angry looks, "Was that a secret?"
Ross rolled his eyes, "Gee, thanks man."
"Rachel never comes over when we invite her." Monica pointed out, "She's just shy. You know that, so why are you upset?"
Ross shrugged, "She gave me the impression that she would."
"She was also beyond drunk." Phoebe said, crossing her legs, "She may not have remembered."
"I don't know." Ross replied, "We had a pretty good time when I was walking her home, I just thought she would have wanted to come."
"Oh my God, you like Rachel!" Monica squealed, "I can't believe it."
"I do not!" Ross protested.
Chandler rolled his eyes, "Oh give it up, it's so obvious that you do like her. You've been ogling her for like a year now."
"Chandler!" Ross hissed, "Leave it alone!"
"Ross and Rachel sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Joey teased happily, laughing when Ross sent a pillow sailing his way. "Come on Ross, you know you like her. You not only like her, you love her."
Monica laughed, pointing her finger at Ross, "I can't believe it! You and Rachel are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend."
"That's not true." Phoebe said softly, "She has to like him too."
"What? So she wouldn't like me? Why not?" Ross asked defensively, "What's wrong with me?"
Phoebe shrugged, "I don't know, I just don't get the dating vibe from Rachel, I don't think she's interested in that."
"Like she's a lesbian?" Joey piped up, his eyes wide.
Monica hit his arm, "She's not a lesbian!"
"How do you know?"
"Because she told me she did some pretty straight things with Shawn last night." Monica said, crossing her arms, "Besides, I think she's just shy....she just needs to open up a bit more before Ross could ask her out."
"I'm not going to ask her out!" Ross said loudly, ":Let it go, okay?"
The gang was silent for a moment. Joey, not even noticing the tension that had built up since they started talking about Ross and Rachel, asked meekly, "If Rachel comes over, do you think she could pick up Chinese for us?"
"She's not coming over!" everyone else exclaimed. Monica shot him a look, throwing her hands in the air, "Did you not get ANY of that conversation?"
Joey made a face at her, and Monica lowered her eyes. Before anything could get out of control, Chandler and Phoebe said in unison, "So what movie are we watching?"
~*~
Rachel laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her grandmother and Amy had gone out to pick up something for dinner, having insisted Rachel would be out of bed by the time they returned.
She glanced at the clock, it was 5:30. A whole day wasted...what else was new? In her opinion, every day was a waste. She reached into her bedside table drawer, picking up her comforting bottle of sleeping pills, then remembering they were empty. Throwing the bottle back into the drawer angrily, Rachel stood, stomping into the bathroom and turning on the shower.
She hated feeling like this! She hated knowing she was a screw up, knowing nothing she did was ever right. She hated that she stood up Ross and Monica, she hated that she wasted another meaningless day of her life, she hated that she lived in this awful city, and she hated that she hated everything.
Glancing in the mirror, she added something else to her list. She hated herself. Her looks, her personality, her body. Nothing was right, nothing at all.
She stepped into the shower, her mind rapidly replaying the events of the last couple of years. From the point she decided she couldn't live her life anymore, then forward six months to the day she actually got the courage to try and take her life. Then on, everything was a blur. The hospital stay, the counseling, the move. Her sister's tears, her mother's disappointment, her father's outrage at everything. The alcohol, the blood, the tears. Her arrival at her grandmother's house. The uncomfortable silence, the new school, the unfriendly kids, the suspicions, the fear. High school, her new friends, fear of them finding out about her. Her father's death, her mother's arrest, her sister's move. And for the first time in two years, Rachel slid to the floor of the shower, crying.
She cried for her bad choices, she cried for her losses. She cried for not having the strength to face her mistakes, she cried from the sudden realization that she had a problem. She cried tears of remorse for her actions, relief that she was finally able to see clearly and hopefully move on.
The water was cold, but Rachel didn't notice. She curled up into a ball, rocking herself back and forth gently. She didn't have to live like this, she could be a better person, she could be happy...she just had to try. And on the cold porcelain floor of the shower, she made a commitment to herself that she would find happiness if it was the last thing she did.
~*~
Betty and Amy arrived back with several bags of fast food, surprised to see Rachel sitting on the sofa, writing into a small notebook.
"You're up?" Amy asked, placing the bag on the counter, "How's it going?"
Rachel looked up, forcing herself to smile, "Good.. What did you get?"
"Burgers and onion rings." Betty replied, "I was going to get sodas too, but Amy wanted smoothies, so we stopped and got some strawberries."
"Sounds great." Rachel said, jumping to her feet, "What can I do to help?"
Betty and Amy looked at each other, raising an eyebrow. Betty watched as Rachel walked into the kitchen, "You can get some plates, I didn't know how you wanted your burger, so I got it just like it came. I figured you could pick off what you didn't want."
"It's fine." Rachel replied, grabbing some plates from the cabinet above the sink, "After dinner, I need to talk to you. Alone." she added, looking in Amy's direction.
Rachel sat at the small kitchen table, taking a deep breath. She couldn't say that having a positive attitude and trying to do the right thing was easy...she was longing to crawl back into bed and sleep her life away....but something inside her said it was the right thing to do. After all, no one was going to make her life better, she was the only one with the ability to do that.
~*~
Amy sat in the tiny bedroom, resisting the urge to open the door and listen to her sister and her grandmother's conversation. She was honestly surprised by Rachel's sudden burst of energy. She hadn't seen her sister with such a positive glow...well, ever. Especially not since she got to New York. Something must have happened, but she just couldn't figure out what.
Rachel sat on the sofa, her hands trembling as she said the words she had been practicing in her head for the last hour. "Grandmother...I....I need to ask something from you."
"What?" Betty asked, taking Rachel's hand in an effort to calm her down, "You can ask me anything."
"I think I need to see a psychologist." Rachel admitted, looking down and fighting tears. "I...I have some problems, and I don't think I can work through them on my own." she looked up at Betty, tears spilling onto her cheeks, "And I know it's expensive, but it doesn't have to be like twice a week or anything, just as much as we can afford. I can get a babysitting job or something. I just....I'm scared to think of what will happen if I don't."
Betty took Rachel into a tight hug, squeezing her so hard that Rachel wasn't able to breathe, "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that." She pulled away, holding Rachel by the shoulders, "I am so proud of you. I know you've been through a lot, and you've got some problems to work out, and I have been waiting for you to come to me for so long for help. I've been saving money here and there, I'll get you an appointment."
"Thank you." Rachel said, looking down, slightly uncomfortable.
Betty kissed Rachel's forehead, "I'm very proud of you, it's very brave to face your fears head on. Whatever I can do to help....I know it's not much, but I'm always right here. Admitting you have a problem is such a big step...I'm glad you realized you can't tackle everything alone."
"I've known for a long time that I have a problem." Rachel admitted, refusing to meet her grandmother's eyes, "I just didn't want to fix it. But I was thinking...it doesn't have to be so bad."
Betty shook her head, "No, it doesn't." Betty pulled her in for a hug, rocking both of them gently, "I love you Rachel."
"I love you too." Rachel whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. Never had she cried so much in such a short amount of time. They pulled apart when the phone rang.
Betty picked it up, speaking through tears that were coming down her own face, "Hello?"
As the person on the other end of the phone began to talk, her face paled a bit, "I don't think that's a good idea."
After listening for a few more seconds, she looked over at Rachel, "Please go get your sister."
"Who is it?" Rachel asked, curious.
Betty's hands trembled, not really knowing how the girls would react to this, "It's your mother."
~*~
"I've been trying to call over there for half an hour, and their line stays busy!" Ross complained, flopping down into his seat at the dining room table, "What could they be doing?"
"Three girls sharing an apartment? Their line's bound to stay pretty tied up." Monica observed. "Get over it, call her tomorrow."
"She was pretty trashed last night, I just want to make sure she's okay." Ross said defensively, "She's a friend, I worry."
Monica rolled her eyes, "We all know you like her, you don't have to pretend you're calling to check on her. You can call to flirt."
"Who do you like?" Judy asked, taking her seat at the table, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"He wishes." Monica smirked, "One of my friends from school, Rachel. Ross has been drooling over her for months."
"I don't think I've met her." Judy replied, "Is she new?"
Monica shook her head, "We mostly just talk at school. She lives with her grandmother and her sister, she moved here from Houston in 7th grade. She's pretty quiet."
"She's pretty period." Ross mumbled, scooping some potatoes onto his plate, "She came over last night and we talked, that's all. I walked her home and I just wanted to call and check on her today."
"Well, you can give her another try after dinner." Judy said as she took a roll from the basket, "Maybe you should invite her over some time."
The phone rang and Ross jumped to his feet, "I'll get it." He rushed to the phone, "Geller residence."
"May I please speak to Monica?" the trembling voice said on the other side.
Ross listened carefully, trying to place the voice, "Can I tell her who's calling?"
"It's Rachel."
"Hey, it's Ross. How are you doing?" he asked, concerned by the tears he could her in her voice.
Rachel sighed on the other end of the line, "Not too great...is Monica there?"
"We're eating dinner, but let me get her real quick." Ross said, sort of upset she didn't call to talk to him.
Monica took the phone, "Hey Rachel, what's going on?"
"I..." Rachel began, tears clouding her voice, "I didn't know who else to call...I've got a major problem."
"We'll be done with dinner in about half an hour, can you come over?" Monica asked, worried, "And you can always call me, that's what friends are for."
"I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner." Rachel said softly, "And I'll be there in 30 minutes."
"It's okay, just be careful." Monica advised, "And whatever it is, we'll help you out, okay?"
Rachel wiped away her tears, speaking softly, "Thank you."
"That's what friends are for." Monica said again, "See you soon."
Rachel hung up the phone, walking into her bedroom where Amy and their grandmother were deep in conversation about their mother's phone call. She cleared her throat, "Grandmother?"
"Hey Rach, how are you holding up?" Betty asked, seeing her granddaughter's swollen red eyes, "It's going to be okay, I promise."
Rachel nodded, clenching her fists as she thought about her mother, "I'm going over to Monica's for a bit, I need to talk to my friends."
"That's fine." Betty said sympathetically, "Are you taking the subway?"
Rachel nodded, "And I've got some money saved, I'll take a cab on the way back if it's too late."
"Take your time, I know this is really hard." Betty said gently, "Call me before you leave their house so I'll know to expect you."
Rachel nodded, slipping on her shoes and grabbing her purse, "I'll be back."
~*~
When Rachel arrived at Ross and Monica's house, Ross was the one who answered the door.
"Rach, you look awful." he observed, ushering her in, "What's wrong?"
Rachel looked up at him with teary eyes, and flung herself into his arms, sobbing, "Everything. I just don't know what to do."
Ross rubbed her back gently, not able to deny how good it felt to have her there, and to be holding her like this, "It's going to be okay, Monica and I will help you. If need be, we can call in reinforcements."
"You're going to think I'm some kind of freak." Rachel mumbled into his shoulder as he led her upstairs where Monica was waiting.
Ross shook his head, "Never. Look at all of our other friends."
"I don't even know where to start." Rachel said tearfully, "I don't even know why I came here."
"Because we're your friends, and you need someone to run this by that's not 70." Ross offered with a slight smile, "And you'll start from the beginning, it's a good place because then we don't get as confused."
Despite the misery and apprehension she felt, Rachel cracked a small smile, "You don't know what you just got yourself into."
Please let me know if you're still reading!