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The Nine In Trouble!

Chapter 3

Girgishba the messenger orc hiked down to the new apartment complex below Mt. Doom. The Barad Dur Heights complex was extremely popular for some reason. Nearly 50% of the orc population of Mordor lived here, in this gigantic ant farm carved into the side of the mountain. Sauron's construction manager had stolen the idea from the goblin caves of the Misty Mountains.

Girgishba knocked on a large boulder and waited a few seconds. Then the boulder was rolled off to the side by Yarblabdat the Warty, one of the scouts requested by Sauron.

"Gar shagr Sauron tkashya srug!" growled Girgishba.

"Urgat Girgishba hiki tark gargash yabomkta!" sneered Yarblabdat. This attitude made him one of the best orc scouts.

Girgishba pulled out a cell phone. "Sha tkashyi Sauron?" he asked threateningly.

Yarblabdat scowled and replied, "Rarg, flagtamagat. Gorga tish blabtagargar!"

He followed Girgishba out of Barad Dur Heights. Girgishba said, "Gargabar srug Shakatablar gra."

* * *

The other orc scout, Shakatablar the Incredibly Nasty, lived all alone in a cave that smelled of sulfur, gasoline, and sour milk. He smelled just like his cave. His battle face was quite a sight: he stuck his fingernail in his ear to draw blood, which he then smeared all over his face, with his huge bloodshot eyes wide open, his tongue lolling out over his rotten mossy teeth, and his pinkie finger stuck up his nose.

Girgishba strode into the cave without so much as wrinkling his nose. Yarblabdat stayed near the entrance, trying not to look apprehensive.

"Gar shagr Sauron tkashya srug!" growled Girgishba.

"Flagtamagat!" roared Shakatablar. "Sora Sauron gargar ykatr sha aktamargat!"

"Yarg. Gargybargy gu," said Girgishba. Shakatablar followed him out of the cave. Yarblabdat followed them both to Sauron's Ultra-Secret Planning Room.

* * *

Girgishba presented Yarblabdat and Shakatablar before Sauron. "Our finest orc scouts, your evilness. I trust you will find them satisfactory."

"Whatever, just get them to Top-Bottom Earth! We need the Nazgul back NOW!" Suaron screamed.

"Very well," said Girgishba. "Harkytar tashkent kabul ashgabat!" he yelled to the orcs in white lab coats, who immediately brought forth an oversized mirror and set it down before Sauron's throne. Sauron had thrones in all the major rooms of his palace, which was little more than a larger version of Barad Dur Heights.

Girgishba yelled at Yablabdat and Shakatablar. "Grishka tikrit ulaan bataar shutk!"

Shakatablar and Yablabdat hesitated. Then Sauron roared, "GRISHKA TIKRIT ULAAN BATAAR SHUTK!" They both dove into the mirror, which swallowed them up like a pool of water, something which they had never entered in their lives.

* * *

- Isengard -

Saruman Reincarnate is sitting on his multi-colored throne in Orthanc when he gets a call on his palantir. Thinking that he's going to have to change the ringtone very soon, he strides forward and rips the cloth off of it.

Far below Orthanc, in the pits of Isengard, an orc is talking into his cell phone. "Saruman Reincarnate, milord!" it says. "The Uruk-Hai are ready!"

"Good, good," says Saruman Reincarnate smugly. "Bring them to the Multi-Purpose Room immediately."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, the Uruks are gathered in the Multi-Purpose Room. Saruman Reincarnate begins his speech.

"Do you know how the orcs came into being? They were elves once, tortured and mutilated by Sauron in the slimy pits of Mordor. That's right, my boyfriend is the one who made you so ugly. So who do you serve?"

"SARUMAN REINCARNATE!" they all roar.

"Wait a second!" Saruman Reincarnate shouts back. "I am close friends with the one who tortured and mutilated you! Why are you serving me? Why don't you hate me?" He pauses to let this sink in. "Now who do you serve?"

"SARUMAN REINCARNATE!" they all roar.

"Gaahh! I don't believe it! How could you - gaahhh!! You know what? I think you're ugly. I never wanted to breed Uruks. You are the STINKIEST SCUM that EVER WALKED MIDDLE EARTH!!!! Now who do you serve?" Saruman Reincarnate rattles out.

"SARUMAN REINARNATE!" they all roar.

Saruman Reincarnate starts ripping his hair out. Just before he leaves to run insanely around Isengard he shouts at them, "Go to Mordor! Tell Sauron that I have finished creating his army and step into the mirror he puts in front of you! Quickly! Bye!"

The Uruks look at one another rather bemusedly before setting off toward Mordor.

Things are getting weirder and weirder.

* * *

- Somewhere on the Anadyr Plateau, Russia -

Meanwhile Yarblabdat and Shakatablar are having a bad time of it in Top-Bottom Earth. They emerged from the mirror somewhere very cold and snowy, which is confusing to them because in Mordor it is hot and slimy.

Shakatablar consults his inborn compass and says in orkish, "The shortest route to Chicago's thataway," pointing to the east.

Yarblabdat shakes his head, the orkish gesture of comprehension. They head east.

* * *

- Mordor -

After the orcs disappear into the mirror, Sauron calls for the locator. This is anoter foozball-table-looking-thing that shows where the scouts are on Top-Bottom Earth.

Sauron studies the locator for a moment before crying out, "I can never read these cursed instruments! Are they in Chicago or not?"

An orc in a white lab coat sitting at a computer says, "It appears that they have not landed directly at the proposed destination."

"THEN WHERE HAVE THEY LANDED, I ASK?!!" screams Sauron.

"Somehwere in Siberia," says the orc timidly.

"Where's Siberia?" roars Sauron.

"Northern Russia," says the orc even more timidly.

Sauron explodes. Things are not going well at all.

* * *

All right, there's Chapter 3. Chapter 4 to focus on Ten, the Nine, and the Uruk-Hai. Please review.

~ Anoriel

PS: Extra credit! Where did I get the orkish words tashkent, kabul, ashgabat, tikrit, ulaan, and bataar? Answers in the next chapter!