Title: "Lover of Mine"
Author: Abigail
Spoiler Warning: The following fan fiction does have within it general spoilers for Season 10. These are extremely relatively minor spoiler references, though. Highlight: 'EXTREMELY' relatively minor. I doubt anyone will note them. Also note, most of the material below is merely speculation and my own personal "ER" fantasies.
Disclaimer: In no way, what-so-ever, do I own the rights to "ER" and or any characters, storylines, etc. presented to us, the viewers, by Warner Bros., NBC, Constant C, or any other affiliates with the show in question. If I did.well.believe me, the show would be drastically different.
Rating: PG
Summary: The story begins in January of 2004, several months after Luka has returned from the Congo. He and Abby have reconnected, only in time for Luka to reevaluate his life and ultimately, make a decision which could change the future for the both of them.
"Lover of Mine"
I awoke three minutes before the alarm went off. It was unusual for me to do this, because usually, I'm still not awake thirty minutes after the alarm has already went off, let alone three minutes early. I reached over and turned the clock radio off; there was no reason to leave it on, I was already fully alert. I had tossed and turned all night long, regardless of the fact that the man I loved slept like a baby beside me. I don't think he changed positions all night. I honestly thought he would be the one stirring all throughout the evening hours.
Sighing softly, I rolled over, only to realize that he was already up. A part of me had already realized that he was not lying next to me, but deep down, I thought he would still be there. I could hear him rustling around in the kitchen. It sounded as if he was making coffee, or at least attempting to do so. I smiled to myself. It was odd how little noises such as this could be comforting. I lay there for a minute, gazing up at the ceiling. Deep down, I wasn't ready to let him go, regardless of the fact I knew it was what he wanted. We had sat down and discussed the issue; we had been over this scenario so many times before. Everything was agreed upon.or at least we made one another think we had agreed upon everything. I did not want to sit idly by and say nothing. I did not want to allow him to leave. I accepted it, though. I did not want to, but I did it because I knew it was what he wanted.
I had grown over the last eight months. A part of me had changed. I was still the same person I had always been; I still had my own personal faults and flaws. Yet, I allowed myself to be human. Before, I brought myself down with every little mistake I made, every inconvenience which graced my life, and in exchange, I hurt those around me. Some part of me woke up to the fact that I wasn't accomplishing anything by doing these things, though. I was not going anywhere. I was not doing myself any good. Instead, I changed. It had been one of the better decisions in my life. Rekindling my relationship with Luka had been yet another wonderful choice.
Slowly, I pulled the covers off from me, allowing the cool morning air to creep over my skin. A small chill went through my body, forcing me to catch my breath. Spring was approaching, but the morning air still held onto a bit of its winter's edge. I reached for my bathrobe. Wrapping the silken robe around me, I made my way out of the bedroom. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee lingered through the hallway. I paused just outside the kitchen, as I watched him cautiously. He moved slowly and methodically. His masculine hands held onto the coffee mug so delicately. I smiled as my eyes wandered over his silhouette. He turned, his eye catching mine. His expression softened, and a small grin appeared on his face.
"Good morning." Reaching for another cup from the cabinet above, he spoke, "Would you like a cup of coffee? It's fresh."
I nodded gently, "I'd like that."
I settled down at the dining room table. I played absent-mindedly with the corner of a place mat while I watched him pour the dark liquid into the two mugs. He turned and headed to the table where I was positioned. Setting my cup in front of me, he pulled the chair next to me out and eased into it. Taking a small sip of the freshly brewed coffee, he looked longingly upon me. "Are you okay? Did you sleep well?"
I shifted in my chair, "I'm fine."
Luka reached for my hand, "Are you sure?"
Laughing hesitantly, I spoke, "I promise, Luka. I'm fine."
"You look tired. You are not coming down with anything are you? If you are sick, just let me know. I can postpone my trip."
I squeezed his hand, "I am a little tired. I've been pulling some long hours at work, plus I've been worried about your trip. I feel all right, though."
Looking unconvinced, he joked, "I don't want to end up halfway to Africa, only to get a call that you are ill and in the hospital. I hate to fly, you know that. The added mileage that I would have to endure after turning around, coming back to Chicago, then leaving once you are well would just be torture."
"Oh, gee.I feel so special."
He laughed softly, and then allowed his face to harden into a serious manner. "Abby, promise me that this is okay."
"Luka, at this point in time, it is what you feel is best in your life. You are needed there; I understand. I don't want to see you go. You know this as much as I do; however, like I have told you before, I am behind every decision you make in your life one hundred percent. I will be here waiting arms wide open when you return."
He leaned forward, kissing me softly on the forward. I stifled the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I did not want him to see me cry; it would only make his departure harder.
***
My hands were frozen as I attempted to unlock the front door. As I fussed with the keys, I could hear the phone ringing from within my apartment. Pushing the door open, I dropped my bag on the floor, and headed to the phone. Grabbing it, I quickly answered, "Hello?"
The line was dead; a steady beeping sound was the only response which I received. Sighing, I placed the phone back into its cradle and began pulling my coat off. As I threw it on the couch, I noted the fact that I had two messages on my machine. Without hesitation, I pushed the 'play' button and made my way into the kitchen.
"Abby, this is your mother. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. I hope you and Luka are doing well. Eric is fine; I spoke with him Saturday. Call me when you get a chance. Love you dear."
I smiled softly to myself as I removed the teakettle from the stove and began running water in it. I turned on the burner, placing the kettle upon the stovetop. Reaching for my tea, I waited for the second message to begin playing.
"Abby, it's Luka. Call me when you get a chance, we need to talk. I'll call you back if I don't hear from you soon. Be careful outside, it's cold. I love you. See you shortly."
Setting the box of chamomile upon the counter, I headed back to the living room. The phone rang before I could get to it. Picking it up, I answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, Abby. It's Luka. I've been trying to reach you."
"I know, I just listened to your message on the machine. Is everything okay?"
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, then he spoke, "Everything is fine. I just need to see you, that's all. Are you going to be home tonight?"
I smiled softly to myself; I was almost certain his visit was in regard to my birthday. "I hadn't planned on going anywhere."
"Good. I'll be over shortly, then."
"Okay, I'll be here and waiting."
"Bye, Abby."
"Good-bye, Luka."
I carefully hung the phone up, and then leaned back against the small table behind her. I found myself in anxious thought about what Luka had prepared for my birthday. Sighing gently, I made my way back into the kitchen.
As I poured the warm tea into my mug, I let my mind wander aimlessly. It was already January; the previous year had went by so quickly. So many things had taken place. It had been a difficult year, but the new year was going to be much better. I had already promised myself that much.
***
Fifteen minutes after Luka called, he was outside my door. I heard his soft knock from within my bedroom. I quickly finished running the brush through my hair, then I hurried down the hallway. "It's open, Luka," I yelled out.
The door slowly opened and he stuck his head in, "Are you decent?"
I smiled, "Well.as decent as you and I would like me to be."
He laughed softly as a gentle flush overtook his cheeks. His left hand was behind his back as he entered my apartment. Shutting the door behind him, he smiled suspiciously. I stepped closer to him and he revealed what was behind his back. Bringing forth a small jewelry box, he leaned forward to kiss me. We delicately exchanged kisses.
Luka led me to the couch, where we sat down together. He handed me the petite package. "Happy Birthday, Abby."
"You shouldn't have Luka." I carefully took the gift and held it in my hands.
"I shouldn't have? I can take it back if you would like," he joked.
"No, that's quite alright."
"Go ahead, open it."
With a slight pause, I began to untie the simplistic bow, which adorned the present. Opening the box slowly, I caught my breath at the sight of the ring. It was gorgeous.
"I hope it fits," Luka said.
"I'm sure it will," I spoke breathlessly.
He reached for the ring, taking it out of the box. Grasping my hand in a gentle sweep, he placed it upon my left ring finger. I held my hand up to where it caught the light softly. It was not a large ring, yet small and dainty. The yellow gold band was the perfect setting for the three diamond stones which where placed upon it. Luka reached for my hand once more.
"The three stones symbolize our past, present, and future together."
"It's gorgeous, Luka. But.what is it for? I don't deserve this type of gift for my birthday."
He hesitated momentarily as if he was deep in thought. His glance changed direction, then he focused once more on me. "Abby, this ring is a representation of my undying love for you. We have been through some difficult times, and in all honesty, the times ahead may be difficult as well. I wanted you to know that no matter what takes place.what happens in the future, I will always love you."
"What are you talking about, Luka?"
Luka stood and made his way to the window. Longingly, he glanced outside. I could see the steam from his breath cold against the glass. He stood for a brief moment, then turned around. "I'm going back to Africa."
I was blind-sighted by his comment. During no time had he mentioned of going back to that war-torn country, the very country which almost took his life. He had made note of the fact that the Congo was still very much in need of desperate attention, not only in regard to medical aspects but nearly every other facet of the country was in dyer need of immediate response. I did not think that this meant he was considering actually returning to Africa, though. I merely thought it was his point of view on the issues, stating the logical fact that so much still needed to be done to help the citizens.
I sat there, numb by the words that had just came out of Luka's mouth. Sitting up straight, I looked him in the eyes. "You are not serious, are you?"
He began to speak, but I abruptly interrupted him. "You can't actually be considering going back to Africa. You nearly lost your life in that country. Doing the good deed of practicing medicine and caring for the needy nearly cost you the most valuable thing imaginable. Luka, don't do this to me."
He solemnly walked back to the couch and looked down upon me. "Abby, will you listen to me, please."
I didn't answer, yet simply sat back and placed my hands in my lap.
Sighing softly, he sat down beside me. "Look, you knew that there was a chance I may return to Africa."
Defensively, I spoke up, "No.no I didn't know. You didn't say, 'Abby, I'm going back to Africa.'"
"Abby, stop it. Even if I merely insinuated the possibility, deep down you knew that the chance was always there. You know how much I enjoy helping others, and you know how much help is needed in the Congo."
"Luka, you can help others here in Chicago. There are more than enough individuals who need you, including myself."
Luka closed his eyes tightly and grew hushed. After a few seconds, he broke the silence. "Abby, I can relate to what the innocent victims of Africa are going through. They are fighting for their lives and the lives of their families while heartless savages seek to take everything away from them. They live among war, poverty, and death. There is no hope for so many of them. They know how potentially short their lives may be. If they are not brutally killed or maimed, they will fall victim to illness or disease. The lucky ones who escape never truly find calm in their lives. They will always be running, regardless of whether or not there is anything to run from."
I couldn't say anything. I was still in shock by the very aspect of what he was trying to tell me. Part of me understood his reasoning, while the other part of me simply wanted to hold him tight and promise never to let him go.
"I need to be there, Abby."
"Why Africa? Why not return to Croatia to be with your family? Why not go to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran or some other war-torn country that is living among hostilities, fighting poverty, and losing to death? Believe me, Luka, there are numerous other countries that are up to their eyeballs in such horrific living conditions. One man can't save every innocent victim. You can't be a crusader for millions of individuals."
"Abby, I don't expect you to understand. I merely expect you to accept the fact that I am leaving and give me your prayers and continual love." He reached for my hand. Holding it tightly, he spoke once more, "Please, Abby, do not make me leave knowing that you do not support me in my decision."
A sense of defeat came over me. I couldn't tell the man I loved so much that he could not live his life and do with it what he saw fit, regardless of whether or not the equation in question had anything to do with me. I couldn't sit here and not feel guilty by telling him he could not go, and he could not render aid to others who so desperately needed it. I hated feeling so torn, but I also knew what I had to do.
Looking down as I spoke, I gave in to his needs. "Luka, I will support you one-hundred percent in whatever decision you make." I looked up and stared him directly in the eyes. "This does not mean that I accept the decision which you are making, but I support you none-the-less. I love you, Luka. It took me nearly losing you to realize what we have together. I don't want to live through that again. Promise me you will be careful, and promise me that you will return home in one piece."
He smiled gently, "I promise, Abby. I promise from the greatest depths of my heart." He paused, "I love you."
As he pulled me closer and we embraced, I caught the reflection of the three stones which were embedded within the ring Luka had given to me only moments before. Our past, present, and our future. Sighing softly, I couldn't help but think that the latter of the three was now such a questionable possibility.
***
I sat quietly on the couch, my knees drawn up to my chest. In the bedroom, I could hear the sounds of Luka rustling around as he did some last minute packing. I couldn't believe that he was leaving today. I guess the entire thing had snuck up on me, at least to a degree. He had given her more than enough promises that he would stay safe, return in one piece, and keep in constant touch as best as possible. This helped her to feel more at ease with the situation, but a part of her was still upset by the fact that he was returning to Africa to begin with. It was not because he was leaving her, per se, but because he was once more knowingly putting his life in danger.
***
The flame from the soft white candle, which sat in the center of the dining room table, gave off a gentle warm glow. Luka's face was illuminated in a romantic way, with every etched crease in his face boldly apparent. I smiled to myself as I watched him eat. He looked up from his plate and gave an amusing grin. "Is it that enjoyable to watch a grown man eat?"
I laughed casually, "I enjoy watching grown men period."
Luka's face grew tight at the comment as he gave me a slight mimic, "Oh really."
"Of course, I enjoy watching you more so than most men."
He gently kicked my foot underneath the table.
"Hey," I scowled, "I was just telling you the truth."
"Well, as long as you are telling me the truth." Luka gave me a cute little wink and then continued to eat.
Silence came over the two of us as we sat and ate. After a moment or two, Luka broke the silent moment.
"I talked to Kerry today. She said that everything was lined up for my absence."
I hesitated, then looked up, "That's good."
He nodded, "I hated to leave knowing the ER would be shorthanded."
"I wouldn't worry too much. We have managed under worse circumstances in the past." I paused, and then added, "Besides, you won't be gone that long."
He cleared his throat, "Abby, we have been over this. I'm not sure how long I may be away."
I sat my silverware on my plate, "Luka, it's not as if you are planning on being over there a year.or even six months.right?"
"I just don't know. It depends on if any progress has been made, which I don't think any has. The presence of U.S. troops hasn't helped the situation really, only made tensions worse. It has been difficult getting ample medical technicians and supplies into the area." He began placing his napkin and silverware on his plate. As he stood, he spoke softly, "I'll be there as long as it takes."
I stood up, reached for my plate, and took it to the sink. My back was toward Luka as addressed him. "Why are you doing this?" Before he could answer, I turned around, "I know that we have been over it a million times before. I know that you have explained everything to me time and time again. I know that you feel you are needed there, and I respect the fact that you want to help the innocent victims. But Luka.what about yourself? What about your safety?"
He gently sat his plate back down upon the table and headed towards me. Taking my hand in his, he led me to the couch. We sat down together, he on one end and I on the other.
"Were you worried when Eric went to the Middle East?" he asked.
I was somewhat puzzled by the question. "Well, I guess I never really gave it much thought. That was a few years ago, Luka. What has that got to do with you and me?"
"It has a lot to do with you and me and the situation we are going to face." He paused, as if he was gathering the words to speak next. "Eric was putting his life on the line in order to do his job and do it properly. He risked his life for his work."
"Luka, he directed planes which way to go. That's not exactly a suicide mission."
He gave me a stern look, an automatic plea to stop the sarcasm. "Abby, he was in a militarily active zone. There was conflict going on all around him. At any moment, some insane individual could have opted to blow- up the particular airport he was working at, or take Eric and his co- workers hostage, or present some other ultimate life-threatening possibility."
I took a deep breath, "I suppose that a situation such as that could have taken place, but nothing like that every happened, Luka."
"Abby, you are not seeing the big picture. The danger was always there, it was always a possibility." He looked away, "Everyday when we go to work, we put a certain amount of danger upon ourselves. We never know what type of individual may be the next person to come through those doors. Anything is a possibility, especially at County." He turned back in my direction, his focus intent upon me. "Look at the men and women of police enforcement, the firefighters, the construction workers, even the teachers of this day and age for goodness sake. At some point in time, their jobs may present to be a danger to them." Luka stopped momentarily, almost as if he was allowing the previous words to soak in. "Abby, look at the men and women of our armed forces. Right now, tens of thousands of individuals are fighting for our freedom. They are putting their lives in danger for reasons which many of us cannot even begin to fathom. I would warrant to guess that more than seventy-five percent of those individuals have family here at home, family which did not want to see them leave, and family which begged for them to stay home where it was safe. However, the men and women in question knew what their calling was; they knew they were needed, even though the need may present to be a dangerous situation, a situation which may very well cost them their life. I am sure that many of them wanted to stay home, but they went anyway. They drew up the courage needed to press on."
Luka reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly, "Abby, I need you to be strong here. I need you to draw up the courage to see past the fact that I am putting my life in danger by returning to Africa. I need you to be mature about this, and stop trying to prevent me from leaving. I realize the dangers, yet at the same time, I know what I need to do. Please, Abby, can you do this for me.and for us?"
I shut my eyes, attempting to prevent the tears which had swollen up in my eyes from falling. Nodding gently, I gave in. "I love you, Luka, and I always will, no matter what you choose to do." Answering honestly, I spoke, "I'm not sure how mature I can be about this, because quite frankly, I'm stubborn and set in my ways, especially when it comes to the ones I love. I will do what it takes to see you through this, though, and to make sure we all come out okay."
"Abby, I love you too. I never wanted to put you in a position where you would have to deal with something such as this. I know how hard it is on you to see me go, but it is not a difficult choice for me, either." He leaned in, kissing my forehead softly. "We will get through this, I promise you that. When I return, we will be together forever."
I looked into his eyes and murmured quietly, "Forever."
***
Luka peeked his head out from the bedroom, "Abby, can you come help me, please?"
I smiled at the sound of his voice. Crawling off of the couch, I made my way down the hall. He was standing over our bed, clothes strung everywhere, and a single bag in the middle of it all.
"Doesn't your plane leave in two hours?" I asked.
He answered sheepishly, "Yes, but I am having difficulty packing everything. I don't know how long I will.I just.I don't know what to take."
I noted the fact he hesitated before speaking about how long he may be away. He had quickly learned to be somewhat careful of this particular subject. "Well, I don't really see any reason to take more than you need. There isn't really any way to wash your clothes, is there?"
"Well, there are a few rivers and streams here and there. I mean, it's not as if they live in complete unsanitary conditions all of the time. They do know how to bathe."
"I was merely insinuating that you wouldn't really have an opportunity to wash a lot of clothes if you were to take several different changes of outfits. I would think that a couple of pairs of pants, maybe a pair of shorts, and a few shirts would suffice." I began picking my way through the barrage of clothes which lay on the bed. "Also, you have to know how to pack, Luka."
"Oh do show me, wise one," he casually joked.
"For starters, you are doing it all wrong." I showed him how to fold his clothes to make optimal use of his carry-on. He stood back, watching me silently. Once his bag was packed, I turned to him, "What about your toothbrush, razor, comb.that type of stuff."
"Who has time to shave?" He smiled. "Don't worry, I've already packed those things. They are in the side pocket."
I laughed softly as I fell back onto the bed. "You didn't really need my help, did you?"
He plopped down beside me, "Well.I did need some company." Leaning in to kiss me, the aroma of his aftershave swept over me. I thought of all the times we had made love in this bed. My thoughts then wandered to how lonely I will be when he is gone. "Will you miss me?"
Luka seemed slightly caught off guard by the question. "Abby, of course I will miss you."
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I asked that question. I knew the answer." I sat up and looked out the window.
Luka gently caressed my hair. "Sometimes we all need a little reassurance, especially during times like this. It's okay; I do understand, Abby."
I turned, "I shouldn't be so selfish."
"It's not selfish to worry about the person you love."
"But it is selfish to attempt to prevent that person from carrying out a goal in life," I answered.
He paused, "It depends upon the circumstances, Abby. Not many people find their goal to be life threatening."
"You are going to help others, though. That's an inspiring thing, Luka. If there were only more people like you..".
He interrupted me, "Then I wouldn't need to go."
"No, that's not what I was thinking at all. If there were more people like you, maybe the world wouldn't be so fucked up."
Luka blushed at my choice of wording, "You put it so eloquently."
"I try."
***
An hour later, we were standing inside O'Hare, waiting for Luka to obtain his ticket. We stood at the desk, hand in hand. The airport was relatively quiet. A few people milled around here and there.
"Enjoy your trip," the perky clerk behind the desk spoke. She was short and squat, her glasses not made for her particular face shape.
Luka answered politely, "Thank-you."
We headed towards his gate, and sat down in the waiting chairs. His flight was due to take off in about forty-five minutes.
"I'm not sure I am ready for this," I told him.
He put his arm around me, "You will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will be fine, Abby."
I joked light-heartedly, "As long as Gillian isn't in the Congo, I think we will be quite fine."
He nudged me slightly, "You know, I may be able to get a hold of her in Montreal. I'm sure she would be up for the trip."
"I'm sure she would be, too."
Gillian had not been a fling, per se, merely a comforting friend. I knew the personal relationship which she and Luka shared; they had been through a lot together. I couldn't look at her in a jaded light, though. She had helped to keep Luka strong through his difficult time. I thanked her for that.
"Are you going to stay and see me off?"
I checked my watch, "I told Susan I may be late for my shift. I'm supposed to be in by seven." It was already six-thirty. It was at least an hour drive to County, especially during rush hour.
"If you need to go, I'll be fine."
"I hate to leave before you board the plane, though."
"Abby, the last thing you need is the newly appointed Chief of the ER breathing down your neck, especially now. Being a med-student isn't like being a nurse."
I smiled, "I can deal with her."
Luka agreed, "It's amazing what a little power can do to a woman."
"She likes the position, though, and she has always been a strong asset to the department. Now, if only she can get a grasp on the paperwork which needs to be done as being a department head, she will have it made."
A moment of awkward silence swept over us. I fidgeted in my seat. Luka fumbled with the strap of his carry-on bag.
"Abby, if you need to go, I'll be fine."
I shifted once more in my chair, "I don't think I can go."
He laughed, "I'm a big boy; I think I can manage getting onboard the plane."
"Promise?"
With a gentle smile, he nodded, "I promise."
We both stood up, facing each other. I hoisted my purse onto my shoulder as Luka allowed his bag to fall to the floor. Tears begin to form in our eyes. He leaned forward, embracing me. I let myself collapse into him. We held onto one another for what seemed like an eternity. I don't think either one of us wanted to pull away. Luka kissed to top of my head and gave me a tender hug.
I pulled back, "I'm going to miss you."
"You know I will miss you, too, Abby."
"Promise me you will call the instant you land."
"I will try my very best. Sometimes the phone lines are not the greatest, but believe me, I will try. Even if I have to go to the American Embassy to use the phone, I will call you." He reached for my hand, "I will be careful, too."
I laughed timidly, "You read my mind." I reached for him once more, caving in, "Oh, Luka. I love you so much."
"I know.I know. I love you, Abby."
We stepped back from one another.
Luka sighed, "I'll be home before you know it."
"You'd better be."
He bent forward, kissing me softly on the lips. The kiss lingered for a few seconds, and he slowly drew back. "You had better be going."
I nodded, "Yeah, probably so."
We stood there for a few more moments, neither one of us prepared to move. Luka spoke, "Abby, are you going to leave?"
I hesitated, "Yeah.I think."
"If you don't go now, you never will," he tried to persist.
"Right." I quickly stepped in, kissing him on the cheek. "Be careful, Luka."
He wrapped his arms around me, "Abby, I will be fine."
I brushed a stray tear from my left eye, then adjusted my purse strap. "Call me when you land."
"I know, Abby." Luka smiled reassuringly, "Go."
I nodded, "Okay." I gave him another quick kiss, moved back, then turned to go. I paused midway, spinning back around to see him. He gave me a little 'shoo' sign and once more smiled. "I love you, Luka."
"Abby, I love you, too."
Before we could find ourselves lost in another long-lasting embrace, I twisted around and began walking away. As my pace slowed, I found myself wanting to look back. I knew he was watching me leave.
As I exited the airport, I felt the cold air come over me, awakening my senses. I had remained calm until then, but I quickly lost my composure. Finding the nearest bench, I sat down and began crying my heart out. I could not fight the fear from within any longer. I knew deep down that the possibility he would not return was more than imagined. I knew it was real. I fought myself not to go back in and stand flat-footed, insisting he return home with me. It wasn't my move or my decision to make, though. I could not live Luka's life for him.
***
The ER doors slowly swept open as I made my way into the hospital. It was relatively quiet; only a few patients were waiting in chairs. I could hear Susan's voice from within the main part of the emergency room. She was shouting something incoherent to presumably Jerry. Susan caught sight of me as I turned and headed for the lounge.
"Abby, wait up," she yelled.
I paused, waiting for her to catch up to me.
"Did Luka get off okay?"
I nodded, "I think so. His plane hadn't taken off yet when I left."
Susan stopped, "Are you okay?"
I continued to the lounge, "I'm fine."
I pushed the door open and made my way into the new staff lounge. It was roomier than the last one, but still in severe need or organization. I methodically unlocked my locker and began placing my things inside. I heard Susan enter the room. She walked towards the row of lockers and paused, leaning against Gallant's.
"So.when will he be back?" she questioned.
I reached for a ponytail band and pulled my hair back. "He wasn't entirely sure." I grabbed my lab coat and put it on, then I placed my stethoscope around my neck. Adjusting it slightly, I shut the door to my locker.
Susan sighed, "Well, I'm sure he will be fine."
I turned to her, "That's what he promised, but.well.I can't help but think otherwise."
"He will be more aware of his surroundings, and he knows now not to take any chances. If things get risky, I'm sure he will back out." She hesitated, "Besides, he has you now."
"Right." I turned back to my locker, remembering I had forgotten to get the lock-up keys out of my bag. "That's what I keep telling myself. He has me now, he has our future to look forward to, and he won't put himself in danger. The only problem with that scenario is, though, the simple fact he is returning to the Congo in the first place." I unzipped my purse, rummaged around until I found the keys, then dropped them in my pocket. As I once more shut my locker door, I heart the lounge door open. Before I could turn to see who it was, I heard my voice.
"Abby."
My heart skipped a beat. Turning slowly, my eyes focused in on his silhouette. I caught my breath at the mere sight of him. He started making his way towards me.
"I couldn't do it; I couldn't leave you."
I found myself running to meet him halfway. We embraced, vowing never to let go of one another. I felt the tears stream down my cheeks, but I didn't make the slightest move to brush them away. Pulling back, I stared him in the eye, "Your flight. You should be in the air, Luka, on your way to Africa."
He smiled, "Abby, don't you get it. I'm not going. I can't leave you, not knowing the danger. I have a choice as to whether or not to go. It is my decision. I can help others here in Chicago; I don't need to go to the Congo to prove that to myself or anyone else."
"But Luka, you were so intent upon leaving." I paused, "I don't want you to stay on my account; don't halt your dreams to help others merely because I am afraid."
"Abby, I want to stay, though. It has nothing and everything to do with you at the same time. I cannot risk losing you." He took a deep breath, "As they were calling out my flight number for boarding, something hit me. It was the realization that I may not return home from this trip. I couldn't do that to you, nor could I do that to myself. While I know I could do good in Africa, I can do just as much good here in Chicago."
"What about the speech you gave me, though, about how we risk our lives everyday?"
"I'd much rather risk my life here in Chicago, by your side, than a thousand miles away, in a foreign country, all the while completely alone."
I fell into his arms once more. Softly, I spoke, "Luka, I love you so much."
From behind us, I could hear Susan speak, "I guess things truly do have a way of working themselves out."
Luka laughed, "Abby's stubborn personality doesn't hurt, either."
I stepped back, "An intense devotion for one another is always an added bonus."
Susan quietly excused herself, but not before pausing to tell Luka one thing. "Hold onto her, Luka, for all she is worth." Then, turning to me, she winked, "I'd tell you to do the same thing, but from the looks of it, you are never going to let this man go again."
Once Susan had left, Luka took my hand. Looking into my eyes, he spoke, "Abby, I love you now as I always have and always will."
"Luka, you took the words right out of my mouth." After indulging ourselves in a passionate kiss, we held close once more. From my vantage point, I could clearly see the ring which he had given me only weeks prior. For the first time, I was sincerely able to envision our past, present, and future.
***
Author: Abigail
Spoiler Warning: The following fan fiction does have within it general spoilers for Season 10. These are extremely relatively minor spoiler references, though. Highlight: 'EXTREMELY' relatively minor. I doubt anyone will note them. Also note, most of the material below is merely speculation and my own personal "ER" fantasies.
Disclaimer: In no way, what-so-ever, do I own the rights to "ER" and or any characters, storylines, etc. presented to us, the viewers, by Warner Bros., NBC, Constant C, or any other affiliates with the show in question. If I did.well.believe me, the show would be drastically different.
Rating: PG
Summary: The story begins in January of 2004, several months after Luka has returned from the Congo. He and Abby have reconnected, only in time for Luka to reevaluate his life and ultimately, make a decision which could change the future for the both of them.
"Lover of Mine"
I awoke three minutes before the alarm went off. It was unusual for me to do this, because usually, I'm still not awake thirty minutes after the alarm has already went off, let alone three minutes early. I reached over and turned the clock radio off; there was no reason to leave it on, I was already fully alert. I had tossed and turned all night long, regardless of the fact that the man I loved slept like a baby beside me. I don't think he changed positions all night. I honestly thought he would be the one stirring all throughout the evening hours.
Sighing softly, I rolled over, only to realize that he was already up. A part of me had already realized that he was not lying next to me, but deep down, I thought he would still be there. I could hear him rustling around in the kitchen. It sounded as if he was making coffee, or at least attempting to do so. I smiled to myself. It was odd how little noises such as this could be comforting. I lay there for a minute, gazing up at the ceiling. Deep down, I wasn't ready to let him go, regardless of the fact I knew it was what he wanted. We had sat down and discussed the issue; we had been over this scenario so many times before. Everything was agreed upon.or at least we made one another think we had agreed upon everything. I did not want to sit idly by and say nothing. I did not want to allow him to leave. I accepted it, though. I did not want to, but I did it because I knew it was what he wanted.
I had grown over the last eight months. A part of me had changed. I was still the same person I had always been; I still had my own personal faults and flaws. Yet, I allowed myself to be human. Before, I brought myself down with every little mistake I made, every inconvenience which graced my life, and in exchange, I hurt those around me. Some part of me woke up to the fact that I wasn't accomplishing anything by doing these things, though. I was not going anywhere. I was not doing myself any good. Instead, I changed. It had been one of the better decisions in my life. Rekindling my relationship with Luka had been yet another wonderful choice.
Slowly, I pulled the covers off from me, allowing the cool morning air to creep over my skin. A small chill went through my body, forcing me to catch my breath. Spring was approaching, but the morning air still held onto a bit of its winter's edge. I reached for my bathrobe. Wrapping the silken robe around me, I made my way out of the bedroom. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee lingered through the hallway. I paused just outside the kitchen, as I watched him cautiously. He moved slowly and methodically. His masculine hands held onto the coffee mug so delicately. I smiled as my eyes wandered over his silhouette. He turned, his eye catching mine. His expression softened, and a small grin appeared on his face.
"Good morning." Reaching for another cup from the cabinet above, he spoke, "Would you like a cup of coffee? It's fresh."
I nodded gently, "I'd like that."
I settled down at the dining room table. I played absent-mindedly with the corner of a place mat while I watched him pour the dark liquid into the two mugs. He turned and headed to the table where I was positioned. Setting my cup in front of me, he pulled the chair next to me out and eased into it. Taking a small sip of the freshly brewed coffee, he looked longingly upon me. "Are you okay? Did you sleep well?"
I shifted in my chair, "I'm fine."
Luka reached for my hand, "Are you sure?"
Laughing hesitantly, I spoke, "I promise, Luka. I'm fine."
"You look tired. You are not coming down with anything are you? If you are sick, just let me know. I can postpone my trip."
I squeezed his hand, "I am a little tired. I've been pulling some long hours at work, plus I've been worried about your trip. I feel all right, though."
Looking unconvinced, he joked, "I don't want to end up halfway to Africa, only to get a call that you are ill and in the hospital. I hate to fly, you know that. The added mileage that I would have to endure after turning around, coming back to Chicago, then leaving once you are well would just be torture."
"Oh, gee.I feel so special."
He laughed softly, and then allowed his face to harden into a serious manner. "Abby, promise me that this is okay."
"Luka, at this point in time, it is what you feel is best in your life. You are needed there; I understand. I don't want to see you go. You know this as much as I do; however, like I have told you before, I am behind every decision you make in your life one hundred percent. I will be here waiting arms wide open when you return."
He leaned forward, kissing me softly on the forward. I stifled the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I did not want him to see me cry; it would only make his departure harder.
***
My hands were frozen as I attempted to unlock the front door. As I fussed with the keys, I could hear the phone ringing from within my apartment. Pushing the door open, I dropped my bag on the floor, and headed to the phone. Grabbing it, I quickly answered, "Hello?"
The line was dead; a steady beeping sound was the only response which I received. Sighing, I placed the phone back into its cradle and began pulling my coat off. As I threw it on the couch, I noted the fact that I had two messages on my machine. Without hesitation, I pushed the 'play' button and made my way into the kitchen.
"Abby, this is your mother. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. I hope you and Luka are doing well. Eric is fine; I spoke with him Saturday. Call me when you get a chance. Love you dear."
I smiled softly to myself as I removed the teakettle from the stove and began running water in it. I turned on the burner, placing the kettle upon the stovetop. Reaching for my tea, I waited for the second message to begin playing.
"Abby, it's Luka. Call me when you get a chance, we need to talk. I'll call you back if I don't hear from you soon. Be careful outside, it's cold. I love you. See you shortly."
Setting the box of chamomile upon the counter, I headed back to the living room. The phone rang before I could get to it. Picking it up, I answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, Abby. It's Luka. I've been trying to reach you."
"I know, I just listened to your message on the machine. Is everything okay?"
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, then he spoke, "Everything is fine. I just need to see you, that's all. Are you going to be home tonight?"
I smiled softly to myself; I was almost certain his visit was in regard to my birthday. "I hadn't planned on going anywhere."
"Good. I'll be over shortly, then."
"Okay, I'll be here and waiting."
"Bye, Abby."
"Good-bye, Luka."
I carefully hung the phone up, and then leaned back against the small table behind her. I found myself in anxious thought about what Luka had prepared for my birthday. Sighing gently, I made my way back into the kitchen.
As I poured the warm tea into my mug, I let my mind wander aimlessly. It was already January; the previous year had went by so quickly. So many things had taken place. It had been a difficult year, but the new year was going to be much better. I had already promised myself that much.
***
Fifteen minutes after Luka called, he was outside my door. I heard his soft knock from within my bedroom. I quickly finished running the brush through my hair, then I hurried down the hallway. "It's open, Luka," I yelled out.
The door slowly opened and he stuck his head in, "Are you decent?"
I smiled, "Well.as decent as you and I would like me to be."
He laughed softly as a gentle flush overtook his cheeks. His left hand was behind his back as he entered my apartment. Shutting the door behind him, he smiled suspiciously. I stepped closer to him and he revealed what was behind his back. Bringing forth a small jewelry box, he leaned forward to kiss me. We delicately exchanged kisses.
Luka led me to the couch, where we sat down together. He handed me the petite package. "Happy Birthday, Abby."
"You shouldn't have Luka." I carefully took the gift and held it in my hands.
"I shouldn't have? I can take it back if you would like," he joked.
"No, that's quite alright."
"Go ahead, open it."
With a slight pause, I began to untie the simplistic bow, which adorned the present. Opening the box slowly, I caught my breath at the sight of the ring. It was gorgeous.
"I hope it fits," Luka said.
"I'm sure it will," I spoke breathlessly.
He reached for the ring, taking it out of the box. Grasping my hand in a gentle sweep, he placed it upon my left ring finger. I held my hand up to where it caught the light softly. It was not a large ring, yet small and dainty. The yellow gold band was the perfect setting for the three diamond stones which where placed upon it. Luka reached for my hand once more.
"The three stones symbolize our past, present, and future together."
"It's gorgeous, Luka. But.what is it for? I don't deserve this type of gift for my birthday."
He hesitated momentarily as if he was deep in thought. His glance changed direction, then he focused once more on me. "Abby, this ring is a representation of my undying love for you. We have been through some difficult times, and in all honesty, the times ahead may be difficult as well. I wanted you to know that no matter what takes place.what happens in the future, I will always love you."
"What are you talking about, Luka?"
Luka stood and made his way to the window. Longingly, he glanced outside. I could see the steam from his breath cold against the glass. He stood for a brief moment, then turned around. "I'm going back to Africa."
I was blind-sighted by his comment. During no time had he mentioned of going back to that war-torn country, the very country which almost took his life. He had made note of the fact that the Congo was still very much in need of desperate attention, not only in regard to medical aspects but nearly every other facet of the country was in dyer need of immediate response. I did not think that this meant he was considering actually returning to Africa, though. I merely thought it was his point of view on the issues, stating the logical fact that so much still needed to be done to help the citizens.
I sat there, numb by the words that had just came out of Luka's mouth. Sitting up straight, I looked him in the eyes. "You are not serious, are you?"
He began to speak, but I abruptly interrupted him. "You can't actually be considering going back to Africa. You nearly lost your life in that country. Doing the good deed of practicing medicine and caring for the needy nearly cost you the most valuable thing imaginable. Luka, don't do this to me."
He solemnly walked back to the couch and looked down upon me. "Abby, will you listen to me, please."
I didn't answer, yet simply sat back and placed my hands in my lap.
Sighing softly, he sat down beside me. "Look, you knew that there was a chance I may return to Africa."
Defensively, I spoke up, "No.no I didn't know. You didn't say, 'Abby, I'm going back to Africa.'"
"Abby, stop it. Even if I merely insinuated the possibility, deep down you knew that the chance was always there. You know how much I enjoy helping others, and you know how much help is needed in the Congo."
"Luka, you can help others here in Chicago. There are more than enough individuals who need you, including myself."
Luka closed his eyes tightly and grew hushed. After a few seconds, he broke the silence. "Abby, I can relate to what the innocent victims of Africa are going through. They are fighting for their lives and the lives of their families while heartless savages seek to take everything away from them. They live among war, poverty, and death. There is no hope for so many of them. They know how potentially short their lives may be. If they are not brutally killed or maimed, they will fall victim to illness or disease. The lucky ones who escape never truly find calm in their lives. They will always be running, regardless of whether or not there is anything to run from."
I couldn't say anything. I was still in shock by the very aspect of what he was trying to tell me. Part of me understood his reasoning, while the other part of me simply wanted to hold him tight and promise never to let him go.
"I need to be there, Abby."
"Why Africa? Why not return to Croatia to be with your family? Why not go to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran or some other war-torn country that is living among hostilities, fighting poverty, and losing to death? Believe me, Luka, there are numerous other countries that are up to their eyeballs in such horrific living conditions. One man can't save every innocent victim. You can't be a crusader for millions of individuals."
"Abby, I don't expect you to understand. I merely expect you to accept the fact that I am leaving and give me your prayers and continual love." He reached for my hand. Holding it tightly, he spoke once more, "Please, Abby, do not make me leave knowing that you do not support me in my decision."
A sense of defeat came over me. I couldn't tell the man I loved so much that he could not live his life and do with it what he saw fit, regardless of whether or not the equation in question had anything to do with me. I couldn't sit here and not feel guilty by telling him he could not go, and he could not render aid to others who so desperately needed it. I hated feeling so torn, but I also knew what I had to do.
Looking down as I spoke, I gave in to his needs. "Luka, I will support you one-hundred percent in whatever decision you make." I looked up and stared him directly in the eyes. "This does not mean that I accept the decision which you are making, but I support you none-the-less. I love you, Luka. It took me nearly losing you to realize what we have together. I don't want to live through that again. Promise me you will be careful, and promise me that you will return home in one piece."
He smiled gently, "I promise, Abby. I promise from the greatest depths of my heart." He paused, "I love you."
As he pulled me closer and we embraced, I caught the reflection of the three stones which were embedded within the ring Luka had given to me only moments before. Our past, present, and our future. Sighing softly, I couldn't help but think that the latter of the three was now such a questionable possibility.
***
I sat quietly on the couch, my knees drawn up to my chest. In the bedroom, I could hear the sounds of Luka rustling around as he did some last minute packing. I couldn't believe that he was leaving today. I guess the entire thing had snuck up on me, at least to a degree. He had given her more than enough promises that he would stay safe, return in one piece, and keep in constant touch as best as possible. This helped her to feel more at ease with the situation, but a part of her was still upset by the fact that he was returning to Africa to begin with. It was not because he was leaving her, per se, but because he was once more knowingly putting his life in danger.
***
The flame from the soft white candle, which sat in the center of the dining room table, gave off a gentle warm glow. Luka's face was illuminated in a romantic way, with every etched crease in his face boldly apparent. I smiled to myself as I watched him eat. He looked up from his plate and gave an amusing grin. "Is it that enjoyable to watch a grown man eat?"
I laughed casually, "I enjoy watching grown men period."
Luka's face grew tight at the comment as he gave me a slight mimic, "Oh really."
"Of course, I enjoy watching you more so than most men."
He gently kicked my foot underneath the table.
"Hey," I scowled, "I was just telling you the truth."
"Well, as long as you are telling me the truth." Luka gave me a cute little wink and then continued to eat.
Silence came over the two of us as we sat and ate. After a moment or two, Luka broke the silent moment.
"I talked to Kerry today. She said that everything was lined up for my absence."
I hesitated, then looked up, "That's good."
He nodded, "I hated to leave knowing the ER would be shorthanded."
"I wouldn't worry too much. We have managed under worse circumstances in the past." I paused, and then added, "Besides, you won't be gone that long."
He cleared his throat, "Abby, we have been over this. I'm not sure how long I may be away."
I sat my silverware on my plate, "Luka, it's not as if you are planning on being over there a year.or even six months.right?"
"I just don't know. It depends on if any progress has been made, which I don't think any has. The presence of U.S. troops hasn't helped the situation really, only made tensions worse. It has been difficult getting ample medical technicians and supplies into the area." He began placing his napkin and silverware on his plate. As he stood, he spoke softly, "I'll be there as long as it takes."
I stood up, reached for my plate, and took it to the sink. My back was toward Luka as addressed him. "Why are you doing this?" Before he could answer, I turned around, "I know that we have been over it a million times before. I know that you have explained everything to me time and time again. I know that you feel you are needed there, and I respect the fact that you want to help the innocent victims. But Luka.what about yourself? What about your safety?"
He gently sat his plate back down upon the table and headed towards me. Taking my hand in his, he led me to the couch. We sat down together, he on one end and I on the other.
"Were you worried when Eric went to the Middle East?" he asked.
I was somewhat puzzled by the question. "Well, I guess I never really gave it much thought. That was a few years ago, Luka. What has that got to do with you and me?"
"It has a lot to do with you and me and the situation we are going to face." He paused, as if he was gathering the words to speak next. "Eric was putting his life on the line in order to do his job and do it properly. He risked his life for his work."
"Luka, he directed planes which way to go. That's not exactly a suicide mission."
He gave me a stern look, an automatic plea to stop the sarcasm. "Abby, he was in a militarily active zone. There was conflict going on all around him. At any moment, some insane individual could have opted to blow- up the particular airport he was working at, or take Eric and his co- workers hostage, or present some other ultimate life-threatening possibility."
I took a deep breath, "I suppose that a situation such as that could have taken place, but nothing like that every happened, Luka."
"Abby, you are not seeing the big picture. The danger was always there, it was always a possibility." He looked away, "Everyday when we go to work, we put a certain amount of danger upon ourselves. We never know what type of individual may be the next person to come through those doors. Anything is a possibility, especially at County." He turned back in my direction, his focus intent upon me. "Look at the men and women of police enforcement, the firefighters, the construction workers, even the teachers of this day and age for goodness sake. At some point in time, their jobs may present to be a danger to them." Luka stopped momentarily, almost as if he was allowing the previous words to soak in. "Abby, look at the men and women of our armed forces. Right now, tens of thousands of individuals are fighting for our freedom. They are putting their lives in danger for reasons which many of us cannot even begin to fathom. I would warrant to guess that more than seventy-five percent of those individuals have family here at home, family which did not want to see them leave, and family which begged for them to stay home where it was safe. However, the men and women in question knew what their calling was; they knew they were needed, even though the need may present to be a dangerous situation, a situation which may very well cost them their life. I am sure that many of them wanted to stay home, but they went anyway. They drew up the courage needed to press on."
Luka reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly, "Abby, I need you to be strong here. I need you to draw up the courage to see past the fact that I am putting my life in danger by returning to Africa. I need you to be mature about this, and stop trying to prevent me from leaving. I realize the dangers, yet at the same time, I know what I need to do. Please, Abby, can you do this for me.and for us?"
I shut my eyes, attempting to prevent the tears which had swollen up in my eyes from falling. Nodding gently, I gave in. "I love you, Luka, and I always will, no matter what you choose to do." Answering honestly, I spoke, "I'm not sure how mature I can be about this, because quite frankly, I'm stubborn and set in my ways, especially when it comes to the ones I love. I will do what it takes to see you through this, though, and to make sure we all come out okay."
"Abby, I love you too. I never wanted to put you in a position where you would have to deal with something such as this. I know how hard it is on you to see me go, but it is not a difficult choice for me, either." He leaned in, kissing my forehead softly. "We will get through this, I promise you that. When I return, we will be together forever."
I looked into his eyes and murmured quietly, "Forever."
***
Luka peeked his head out from the bedroom, "Abby, can you come help me, please?"
I smiled at the sound of his voice. Crawling off of the couch, I made my way down the hall. He was standing over our bed, clothes strung everywhere, and a single bag in the middle of it all.
"Doesn't your plane leave in two hours?" I asked.
He answered sheepishly, "Yes, but I am having difficulty packing everything. I don't know how long I will.I just.I don't know what to take."
I noted the fact he hesitated before speaking about how long he may be away. He had quickly learned to be somewhat careful of this particular subject. "Well, I don't really see any reason to take more than you need. There isn't really any way to wash your clothes, is there?"
"Well, there are a few rivers and streams here and there. I mean, it's not as if they live in complete unsanitary conditions all of the time. They do know how to bathe."
"I was merely insinuating that you wouldn't really have an opportunity to wash a lot of clothes if you were to take several different changes of outfits. I would think that a couple of pairs of pants, maybe a pair of shorts, and a few shirts would suffice." I began picking my way through the barrage of clothes which lay on the bed. "Also, you have to know how to pack, Luka."
"Oh do show me, wise one," he casually joked.
"For starters, you are doing it all wrong." I showed him how to fold his clothes to make optimal use of his carry-on. He stood back, watching me silently. Once his bag was packed, I turned to him, "What about your toothbrush, razor, comb.that type of stuff."
"Who has time to shave?" He smiled. "Don't worry, I've already packed those things. They are in the side pocket."
I laughed softly as I fell back onto the bed. "You didn't really need my help, did you?"
He plopped down beside me, "Well.I did need some company." Leaning in to kiss me, the aroma of his aftershave swept over me. I thought of all the times we had made love in this bed. My thoughts then wandered to how lonely I will be when he is gone. "Will you miss me?"
Luka seemed slightly caught off guard by the question. "Abby, of course I will miss you."
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I asked that question. I knew the answer." I sat up and looked out the window.
Luka gently caressed my hair. "Sometimes we all need a little reassurance, especially during times like this. It's okay; I do understand, Abby."
I turned, "I shouldn't be so selfish."
"It's not selfish to worry about the person you love."
"But it is selfish to attempt to prevent that person from carrying out a goal in life," I answered.
He paused, "It depends upon the circumstances, Abby. Not many people find their goal to be life threatening."
"You are going to help others, though. That's an inspiring thing, Luka. If there were only more people like you..".
He interrupted me, "Then I wouldn't need to go."
"No, that's not what I was thinking at all. If there were more people like you, maybe the world wouldn't be so fucked up."
Luka blushed at my choice of wording, "You put it so eloquently."
"I try."
***
An hour later, we were standing inside O'Hare, waiting for Luka to obtain his ticket. We stood at the desk, hand in hand. The airport was relatively quiet. A few people milled around here and there.
"Enjoy your trip," the perky clerk behind the desk spoke. She was short and squat, her glasses not made for her particular face shape.
Luka answered politely, "Thank-you."
We headed towards his gate, and sat down in the waiting chairs. His flight was due to take off in about forty-five minutes.
"I'm not sure I am ready for this," I told him.
He put his arm around me, "You will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will be fine, Abby."
I joked light-heartedly, "As long as Gillian isn't in the Congo, I think we will be quite fine."
He nudged me slightly, "You know, I may be able to get a hold of her in Montreal. I'm sure she would be up for the trip."
"I'm sure she would be, too."
Gillian had not been a fling, per se, merely a comforting friend. I knew the personal relationship which she and Luka shared; they had been through a lot together. I couldn't look at her in a jaded light, though. She had helped to keep Luka strong through his difficult time. I thanked her for that.
"Are you going to stay and see me off?"
I checked my watch, "I told Susan I may be late for my shift. I'm supposed to be in by seven." It was already six-thirty. It was at least an hour drive to County, especially during rush hour.
"If you need to go, I'll be fine."
"I hate to leave before you board the plane, though."
"Abby, the last thing you need is the newly appointed Chief of the ER breathing down your neck, especially now. Being a med-student isn't like being a nurse."
I smiled, "I can deal with her."
Luka agreed, "It's amazing what a little power can do to a woman."
"She likes the position, though, and she has always been a strong asset to the department. Now, if only she can get a grasp on the paperwork which needs to be done as being a department head, she will have it made."
A moment of awkward silence swept over us. I fidgeted in my seat. Luka fumbled with the strap of his carry-on bag.
"Abby, if you need to go, I'll be fine."
I shifted once more in my chair, "I don't think I can go."
He laughed, "I'm a big boy; I think I can manage getting onboard the plane."
"Promise?"
With a gentle smile, he nodded, "I promise."
We both stood up, facing each other. I hoisted my purse onto my shoulder as Luka allowed his bag to fall to the floor. Tears begin to form in our eyes. He leaned forward, embracing me. I let myself collapse into him. We held onto one another for what seemed like an eternity. I don't think either one of us wanted to pull away. Luka kissed to top of my head and gave me a tender hug.
I pulled back, "I'm going to miss you."
"You know I will miss you, too, Abby."
"Promise me you will call the instant you land."
"I will try my very best. Sometimes the phone lines are not the greatest, but believe me, I will try. Even if I have to go to the American Embassy to use the phone, I will call you." He reached for my hand, "I will be careful, too."
I laughed timidly, "You read my mind." I reached for him once more, caving in, "Oh, Luka. I love you so much."
"I know.I know. I love you, Abby."
We stepped back from one another.
Luka sighed, "I'll be home before you know it."
"You'd better be."
He bent forward, kissing me softly on the lips. The kiss lingered for a few seconds, and he slowly drew back. "You had better be going."
I nodded, "Yeah, probably so."
We stood there for a few more moments, neither one of us prepared to move. Luka spoke, "Abby, are you going to leave?"
I hesitated, "Yeah.I think."
"If you don't go now, you never will," he tried to persist.
"Right." I quickly stepped in, kissing him on the cheek. "Be careful, Luka."
He wrapped his arms around me, "Abby, I will be fine."
I brushed a stray tear from my left eye, then adjusted my purse strap. "Call me when you land."
"I know, Abby." Luka smiled reassuringly, "Go."
I nodded, "Okay." I gave him another quick kiss, moved back, then turned to go. I paused midway, spinning back around to see him. He gave me a little 'shoo' sign and once more smiled. "I love you, Luka."
"Abby, I love you, too."
Before we could find ourselves lost in another long-lasting embrace, I twisted around and began walking away. As my pace slowed, I found myself wanting to look back. I knew he was watching me leave.
As I exited the airport, I felt the cold air come over me, awakening my senses. I had remained calm until then, but I quickly lost my composure. Finding the nearest bench, I sat down and began crying my heart out. I could not fight the fear from within any longer. I knew deep down that the possibility he would not return was more than imagined. I knew it was real. I fought myself not to go back in and stand flat-footed, insisting he return home with me. It wasn't my move or my decision to make, though. I could not live Luka's life for him.
***
The ER doors slowly swept open as I made my way into the hospital. It was relatively quiet; only a few patients were waiting in chairs. I could hear Susan's voice from within the main part of the emergency room. She was shouting something incoherent to presumably Jerry. Susan caught sight of me as I turned and headed for the lounge.
"Abby, wait up," she yelled.
I paused, waiting for her to catch up to me.
"Did Luka get off okay?"
I nodded, "I think so. His plane hadn't taken off yet when I left."
Susan stopped, "Are you okay?"
I continued to the lounge, "I'm fine."
I pushed the door open and made my way into the new staff lounge. It was roomier than the last one, but still in severe need or organization. I methodically unlocked my locker and began placing my things inside. I heard Susan enter the room. She walked towards the row of lockers and paused, leaning against Gallant's.
"So.when will he be back?" she questioned.
I reached for a ponytail band and pulled my hair back. "He wasn't entirely sure." I grabbed my lab coat and put it on, then I placed my stethoscope around my neck. Adjusting it slightly, I shut the door to my locker.
Susan sighed, "Well, I'm sure he will be fine."
I turned to her, "That's what he promised, but.well.I can't help but think otherwise."
"He will be more aware of his surroundings, and he knows now not to take any chances. If things get risky, I'm sure he will back out." She hesitated, "Besides, he has you now."
"Right." I turned back to my locker, remembering I had forgotten to get the lock-up keys out of my bag. "That's what I keep telling myself. He has me now, he has our future to look forward to, and he won't put himself in danger. The only problem with that scenario is, though, the simple fact he is returning to the Congo in the first place." I unzipped my purse, rummaged around until I found the keys, then dropped them in my pocket. As I once more shut my locker door, I heart the lounge door open. Before I could turn to see who it was, I heard my voice.
"Abby."
My heart skipped a beat. Turning slowly, my eyes focused in on his silhouette. I caught my breath at the mere sight of him. He started making his way towards me.
"I couldn't do it; I couldn't leave you."
I found myself running to meet him halfway. We embraced, vowing never to let go of one another. I felt the tears stream down my cheeks, but I didn't make the slightest move to brush them away. Pulling back, I stared him in the eye, "Your flight. You should be in the air, Luka, on your way to Africa."
He smiled, "Abby, don't you get it. I'm not going. I can't leave you, not knowing the danger. I have a choice as to whether or not to go. It is my decision. I can help others here in Chicago; I don't need to go to the Congo to prove that to myself or anyone else."
"But Luka, you were so intent upon leaving." I paused, "I don't want you to stay on my account; don't halt your dreams to help others merely because I am afraid."
"Abby, I want to stay, though. It has nothing and everything to do with you at the same time. I cannot risk losing you." He took a deep breath, "As they were calling out my flight number for boarding, something hit me. It was the realization that I may not return home from this trip. I couldn't do that to you, nor could I do that to myself. While I know I could do good in Africa, I can do just as much good here in Chicago."
"What about the speech you gave me, though, about how we risk our lives everyday?"
"I'd much rather risk my life here in Chicago, by your side, than a thousand miles away, in a foreign country, all the while completely alone."
I fell into his arms once more. Softly, I spoke, "Luka, I love you so much."
From behind us, I could hear Susan speak, "I guess things truly do have a way of working themselves out."
Luka laughed, "Abby's stubborn personality doesn't hurt, either."
I stepped back, "An intense devotion for one another is always an added bonus."
Susan quietly excused herself, but not before pausing to tell Luka one thing. "Hold onto her, Luka, for all she is worth." Then, turning to me, she winked, "I'd tell you to do the same thing, but from the looks of it, you are never going to let this man go again."
Once Susan had left, Luka took my hand. Looking into my eyes, he spoke, "Abby, I love you now as I always have and always will."
"Luka, you took the words right out of my mouth." After indulging ourselves in a passionate kiss, we held close once more. From my vantage point, I could clearly see the ring which he had given me only weeks prior. For the first time, I was sincerely able to envision our past, present, and future.
***