Plastered Paradox

Chapter 9

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No!"

"How about-"

"Jaune, shut the fuck up already!" Raven snapped. "Seriously, what is this, Annoy Raven Day?"

"Isn't that every day?" Cinder wondered.

Jaune put his hands up in surrender. "Fine, geez. No need to scream at me."

"Oh, but there is, because you won't stop acting like a fucking child. Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

"I'm thirsty," Jaune complained.

"Yes, I can imagine," Cinder said. "It's probably been awhile for you; that jar was the most action you've ever seen, I bet."

"Not that kind of thirsty. I'm way too sober for all this shit. I need a drink. Do you have any idea what will happen if we get attacked while I'm sober? I'll be completely useless"

"That makes zero sense," Qrow interjected. "And that's coming from me, so you know it doesn't make any sense."

"No, see, it's real simple," Jaune declared. "Ever since the war ended, I've been constantly drunk to try and bury my inner demons. I've been drunk for so long that I've naturally adjusted to the crap factor and/or nerf of it, which is a fancy way of saying that my competency has gone through the roof as a result of being completely shitfaced every day for the past like four years. I'm a drunken master now, with the only caveat being that I'm no longer a regular master."

"You people are fucking weird," Cinder complained. "I really should have tried harder to get Summer to take me in."

"You already said that earlier," Qrow pointed out.

"Well, now I'm repeating it for emphasis. You people are all basket-cases. The only reasons why I haven't called Child Protective Services is that I'm pretty sure that you all would just beat the CPS Agent's ass, and also because they've probably received so many calls about Raven already that they've learned to just stop responding whenever someone calls in about her."

"Laugh it up, brat," Raven growled. "You're lucky your surrogate daddy is here to protect you, because otherwise I'd have your head on a stake."

Jaune shuddered. "Eugh… could you not refer to me as Daddy, please? I really don't need that on my conscience right now."

"Look, let's just focus on marching through the woods," Qrow offered. "Nobody says anything or does anything aside from marching, unless we get attacked or something, in which case absolutely say or do something about it. Understand? Good. Alright, onward we march."

The four of them continued on through the forest in silence. It lasted all of two seconds before Jaune felt compelled to speak again.

"So, why can't you just portal us to this town?"

Qrow groaned. "Oh, here we go…"

"My Semblance doesn't work that way," Raven insisted. "I can only teleport to people I'm close to."

"Oh. Out of curiosity, how short is that list?"

"Ozpin, Taiyang, Qrow, Yang, and…" Raven hesitated, then sighed. "...Summer."

She looked over at Jaune expectantly. He stared back at her. A vein pulsed in her forehead. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Jaune asked.

"I just gave you a free shot."

"A free shot at what?"

"A joke at my expense. Go ahead, take the opportunity to take the piss about how I have a connection with Summer, and this obviously means the two of us are secretly in a lesbian relationship with each other."

"I have no idea what you're implying."

"You know, those same dumb jokes you kept making all the time barely even a day ago? Come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about, I know the sobriety hasn't rotted your brain that badly. So, go ahead – make your jokes about how Summer flicks my bean while Tai takes me from behind, or something. I don't care."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Jaune asked.

Raven blinked, then looked away with a sigh. "...Whatever. Let's just keep going."

"Genuinely, I don't know what you're talking about," Jaune said as he followed after her. "Seriously, what jokes? There are no jokes here – everyone knows your relationship with Taiyang and Summer is anything but a joke, it's serious business."

Raven's scream of anger drew in every Grimm within a five-mile radius.

It was several days later that the four of them stepped through the wooden city gates, panting and gasping for breath. They were covered in dirt, grime, sweat, and small injuries, but they had made it – they had managed to escape the horrors of the jungle unscathed, save for the mental scars.

"I can't believe we made it through all that…" Qrow said between gulps of air.

"You're telling me…" Jaune added.

"For once, I have to agree with you morons," Raven stated. "That was rough."

"Oh, come on," Cinder protested as she stepped out of the treeline and joined them. "They were just Vale Scouts."

Immediately, Jaune rounded on her, shoving a finger into her face.

"Do not underestimate the Vale Scouts," he warned. "They are completely insidious, and as nefarious as they come. Don't let their adorable uniforms fool you – those little girls are pure evil."

"All they do is sell cookies," Cinder said. "And get your finger out of my face, you drunk asshole."

"No," Jaune declared. "And you're right – they do sell cookies, but I'm telling you now, those cookies are laced with something evil. How else can they keep people coming back for more, and at such ridiculous prices to boot?"

"The only thing that beats them are Summer's cookies," Qrow added. "But that's a family recipe, so it's to be expected."

"I'd fuck Summer for her cookies," Raven declared. Everyone turned to stare at her, and she rolled her eyes. "I didn't say I have fucked Summer for her cookies, only that I would fuck Summer for her cookies. And all of you would do the same thing if you had the opportunity, except for the literal teenager."

"You're all fucking weird," Cinder said, as she finally got fed up and pushed Jaune's hand away from her face. "I've said that before many times today, but it bears repeating. Why was a Vale Scout troop even in Mistral?"

"Would you believe me if I said they're secretly a multinational evil conspiracy dedicated to conquering the world through baked goods peddled by little girls in uniform?" Jaune asked. Cinder just stared at him, and he crossed his arms indignantly. "You're just too young to get it. These things will make sense when you're older."

"Is this conspiracy at all connected to this Salem person you all keep talking about?"

"You fucking wish, because then we could actually beat them. No, the Vale Scouts are way worse. But enough talk, let's go find us a Maiden."

"How do you suggest we do that?" Qrow asked. "I mean, we're here now, but do we have any idea where to actually start looking in this fuck-off tiny town? What, are we just gonna ask the locals about weird weather patterns?"

Jaune gave him a blank stare. Qrow's brow furrowed. "You can't be serious, Jaune."

"Oh, like you have a better plan," Jaune countered.

"Actually, yes. I figured Raven and I could do some scouting of our own while you and Cinder ask around and see what you can find."

"Oh, right – the bird thing. I mean, I suppose that'd be helpful, but let's be honest, you're only bringing it up to get out of having to actually talk to these people."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because I'd be doing the exact same thing if I could, but unfortunately the old man didn't grace me with the power of magic, so I'm stuck as a lowly human. It's a real shame, because the ability to shit anywhere I want sounds like it'd be pretty cool. But alas, I'm stuck using the bathroom like a regular person." Jaune sighed, then shook his head. "Look, just get out of here, alright? You've got a point – you and Raven can cover more ground this way than if we all stuck together. Plus, there's no reason for all of us to suffer the indignity of having to talk to a bunch of backwoods redneck hicks, especially not when we already get enough of that with Raven in the group."

Raven rolled her eyes. Jaune continued, "The way I see it, this benefits everyone – you two get to avoid talking to people like the antisocial weirdos you are, and you also hopefully get us out of town faster than if we stuck together. So yeah, go ahead and take to the skies, I guess."

"Fucking finally," Raven said, exasperated. "Later, losers."

There was a flash of light, and then she was gone, replaced by a large black bird that took flight, leaving them in the dust. Qrow looked back at him, shrugged, and then there was another flash of light and another bird taking flight into the sky. Jaune watched them go, then heaved a sigh of relief.

"Fucking finally, I thought they'd never leave," he stated. "C'mon, let's do drinks."

Cinder frowned. "Is that wise? We have a mission, you know."

"Come on, a seedy little coastal town like this? I guarantee you that the bartender is actually an information broker, and he's almost certainly selling what we need."

"Why couldn't you just bring that up to Raven and Qrow? Then we could go as a group."

"Because I knew they wouldn't approve of me getting plastered on a mission, and I can't take the jeers, Cinder; I can't take the jeers."

Cinder sighed, then crossed her arms. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with."

And so it was that Cinder and Jaune found themselves sitting at the seediest waterfront bar they could find. He had a triple bourbon in front of him, and Cinder had a glass of chocolate milk.

Cinder glared at him. "I wanted an orange soda."

"Yeah, well, I vetoed that," Jaune stated. "You need to drink your milk if you're going to grow up big and strong, Cinder."

"Oh, fuck off. What am I, seven? Besides, there's probably as much sugar in this milk as there is in a can of soda. What's the point of this?"

"I thought it'd be funny."

Cinder's gaze narrowed. "You are an asshole, Jaune. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"Only all the time."

"Why do you act like this, anyway? You're just abrasive towards everyone for no real reason."

"It's my way of having fun at everyone else's expense," Jaune explained. "I've been through some shit in my life, Cinder. I have to laugh, because if I don't, then I'll cry."

"Is that why you drink so much?"

"Bingo."

Cinder stared as he raised his glass to his lips, then shook her head. "I know you've mentioned that you've lost friends before. Do you think they'd be happy to see you like this?"

"No, but it doesn't matter, because I'm still here and they're not," Jaune stated. "And for the record, I'm not that much of a mess."

"You're sitting in a bar in the middle of the day chugging down a triple bourbon like it's water," Cinder pointed out.

"That's honestly pretty standard for a Huntsman. Think of it as a coping mechanism."

"So you wouldn't mind if I-"

"No," he instantly said.

"Why not?" she asked. "You just said it was standard for Huntsmen."

"That doesn't make it something to aspire to. Cinder, you of all people should know that I am a terrible role model. You should basically do the opposite of whatever I do."

"Jaune, as terrible as you are, you're still the best I've got," Cinder pointed out. "I mean, who the hell else do I have? The Madame, who beat me, starved me, electrocuted me, and enslaved me? Rhodes, who abandoned me to my fate? Raven, who… is Raven?" She shook her head. "You're not the best role model, in fact you're just colossally fucked-up, but you know what? Despite that, you're actually a decent guy, Jaune. You've certainly treated me better than anyone else in my life."

Jaune stared at her. It was true that she'd had a sad life, but it hadn't really hit him until now. Wordlessly, he reached out and threw an arm around her shoulder.

"Jaune!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing?!"

"Hugging you," he said. "You sounded like you needed it."

"I…"

She sounded like she wanted to argue, but didn't. Instead, she leaned into the hug for a moment before pulling away.

"That was… nice, I suppose," she said.

"Just letting you know that I actually do care," Jaune said.

"You have a weird way of showing it."

"Heh. I'll drink to that."

He went to take a swig from his glass of booze, only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, there," came a very unfamiliar voice from behind him. "Y'all new 'round these parts?"

"Ah shit, it's Brokedick Mountain," Jaune muttered. He lowered his glass and turned back towards the voice and was stunned when he was met by someone he didn't recognize from either timeline. She was tall, olive-skinned, with brown hair tied back in a bun and green eyes set behind a pair of tortoiseshell glasses. She also had on what he believed was a yukata, and a conical straw hat. A katana sheathed at her left hip completed the look. Seeing it, he frowned.

"Alright, which anime convention did you step out of?"

The woman was unperturbed. "Y'know this is traditional Mistralian garb, right? It comes from my village. But I'll forgive your ignorance if you buy me a drink."

"Why would I buy you a drink? That means less alcohol for me. I'm gonna drink this bar out of bourbon tonight and I can't do that if there's someone else sucking it down alongside me, so you can just git."

"Now, is that any way to treat a lady?"

"I don't know, do you see any ladies around to get offended?"

"Ahem," Cinder interjected.

"I know what I said." Cinder kicked him in the shin. He didn't react to it. "Look, do you mind? We're trying to track down weird weather patterns and shit, and it's hard enough to do that when I'm drunk, I'm not about to do it sober."

"Oh, y'all are lookin' for the Spring Maiden?"

Instantly, Jaune's eyes widened. He shared a glance with Cinder, who was equally as surprised. "...Uh… that depends – do you know her?"

"Aw, hell, everyone knows her 'round these parts," the woman said. "But let me introduce m'self first – I'm Rachel Indigo. My friends call me Rach. Pleasure to meet'cha."

"I'm Jaune. This is Cinder. And you're right – we're looking for the Spring Maiden," Jaune said.

Rachel grinned. "Well, hell, I'll take y'all right to her!"

"Awesome, we can cut this shitty trip short," Jaune said as he rose from his seat. He knocked back his triple bourbon in one swallow, then motioned for Cinder to follow him. "C'mon, kid."

Cinder blinked. "...You can't be serious. This doesn't seem the least bit suspicious to you?"

"Come on, this is no better or worse than anything else we get up to," Jaune said. "Besides, I'm just about drunk enough to handle just about anything that gets thrown my way. It'll be fine."

"But-"

"It's fine."

Cinder's brow furrowed. "Very well. But just know that when this inevitably goes wrong, I'm blaming you for it."

"So, where are you taking us, exactly?"

Rachel didn't even bother to look back. "It's just up ahead," she told him. "The Spring Maiden likes to train out in the woods – we've got this lake with a really pretty waterfall that's just magnificent to look at."

"Oh, I'm sure," Cinder said dryly.

"Come on, Cinder, be optimistic for once in your life," Jaune said. "Think of it this way – we're just a few minutes away from getting to leave Mistral."

"I can't tell if you genuinely believe that or are just in deep denial because you hate this shithole kingdom that much and want to leave it that badly."

"Little of Column A, little of Column B."

Rachel led them through a clearing, and Jaune paused to look around. She'd been telling the truth about the waterfall, at least – she'd led them to a large lake, which had the waterfall in question feeding into it from atop a big hill. Jaune stared at it, a content sigh escaping him.

"Well, this is actually rather nice," he admitted. "It's so nice that I honestly can't think of anything that could ruin it."

Those were the last words to leave his mouth before a bolt of lightning came screaming at him from ahead, striking him in the chest and instantly knocking him out.

"-ass. Wake up, dumbass!"

"Eugh…" Jaune let out a groan as he shook himself awake. "Cinder? That you?"

"Yeah, it's me!" she hissed. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, I guess. Got a monster headache, though. What the fuck happened?"

"What do you think happened? It was too good to be true, that's what."

Jaune frowned, then took a look around the room he was in. It was some kind of cave, lit by torches. He was tied back-to-back with Cinder, leaned up in a corner. As soon as he realized what had happened, he let out a sigh.

"Oh, Gods damn it… how the hell did this happen? We're smarter than this."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Your dumb ass embraced the suspicious girl with the accent that sounds like it ought to have dueling banjos accompanying it with every word, I'm just the unfortunate girl who got dragged along for the ride," Cinder hissed. "Now, do us both a favor and get us out of here."

"Ah, y'all are awake," Rachel said. Jaune whipped around to find her staring at them from the front of the cave. She gave them a wide grin as she stepped inside the cave, then sealed the entrance with a flick of her wrist that moved a big boulder in front of it. "Didja have a nice nap?"

"I've slept better," Jaune said. "So, let me guess – you're actually the Spring Maiden?"

"Yup!"

"And you captured us?"

"Uh-huh."

"And now you're going to do… something with us. Not clear on that part yet."

"Well, that's easy," Rachel said. "I'm gonna turn you over to my lord and master Salem, of course."

Immediately, Jaune paused. "...Shit. Uh, can you not do that? I just got here and I'd like to avoid losing super hard and causing the apocalypse."

"Now, what kinda evil henchwoman would I be if I refused the chance to hand over one of my dark mistress' enemies to her?" Rachel asked. "C'mon, now. I can't be losing to Tyrian and Hazel for another month in a row."

Rachel flicked her wrist again, and a small mound of dirt rose up, taking the shape of a chair. She took in it, directly across from Jaune and Cinder, who both glared at her. She was unperturbed.

"Now, 'fore I go ahead and call up my master, why dont'cha all start talkin'?" Rachel drawled. ""Cuz I'm pretty daggone familiar with what ol' Oz's inner circle is supposed to look like these days, and you two definitely ain't in it, at least as far as I know."

"That's privileged information," Jaune said.

Rachel hummed in thought. "See, I figured you'd say that. So I came up with this nifty little way to make you tell me the truth. It's called 'Talk or the teenager gets it.'"

To emphasize her point, Rachel snapped her fingers, and dozens of shards of razor-sharp ice spikes began to float in the air around Cinder. Cinder stared them down, her face growing pale and beads of sweat forming on her forehead.

"I figured I'd start by shoving spikes of ice under her nails," Rachel said lazily. "Then I'd move on to her eyes, and her ears. If you still didn't want to talk after that, well, then I'd just start cutting pieces off of her, I reckon."

She reached under her yukata and pulled out a banana, then unwrapped it and started to eat it. Jaune let out a muffled curse.

"Damn, this is pretty bad," he observed.

"You think?!" Cinder hissed.

"Yeah, she ate your weapon and everything. We kinda needed that for the way out I had planned. Also, that thing was up some dude's ass a few days ago, which is nasty. I guess now we're gonna have to improvise."

"I'm not even going to ask you what kind of escape plan involved a banana, instead I'm just going to beg you to do something, already!"

"Calm down, would you? I'm thinking."

"Time's running out," Rachel warned as she examined her nails.

"Alright, alright!" Jaune said. "Listen, you want to know the story? Well, here goes – my name's not actually Jaune. My real name… is Taiyang Xiao Long."

Rachel paused, then stared at him in surprise. "What?"

"Yeah, what?" Cinder asked.

"You wanted the truth? Here's the truth," Jaune continued. "You can check yourself – I'm a muscular adult male with scruffy facial hair, blonde hair, and blue eyes. And who could forget the fact that I'm married to the famous Summer Rose herself? You know, the Summer Rose with the Silver Eyes? That Summer Rose?"

"Where are you going with this?" Rachel questioned.

"All I'm saying is that if you wanted to really hurt me, well, all you'd have to do is track down my family," Jaune stated. "Then I'd be forced to do whatever you need me to do. I'd have no choice but to give you the locations of all the Maidens that I know of, as a member of Oz's inner circle."

"This seems like you're shooting yourself in the foot. Like, a lot."

"I'll tell you where you can find my family if you agree to let Cinder go," Jaune said. "Those are my terms. Cinder walks, you get my family, and my support. Sound good?"

Rachel thought for a moment, humming in thought. Finally, she nodded. "...Fair."

The ice spikes suddenly disappeared. Cinder breathed a sigh of relief when Rachel cut her loose with a single swing of her katana.

"Go on," Rachel urged. "Get out of here."

Cinder didn't need to be told twice. She scrambled out of the cave, leaving Jaune to his fate.

"You got what you wanted," Rachel said. "Now, tell me what I want."

"Very well," Jaune said. "You can find my family on Patch. They're in a cabin in the middle of the woods, you can't miss it."

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "Wait here. I'm gonna go make a Seer call."

With that, she left him alone. It was quiet for a bit – about an hour – before a glowing red portal tore itself open in front of him. A hand reached through and grabbed him by the collar, and Jaune breathed a sigh of relief as he was pulled through.

He landed in the middle of a back alley, still tied to a chair. Raven, Qrow, and Cinder were all standing above him, looking concerned. Qrow cut him loose and helped him to his feet, and Jaune dusted himself off before turning back to Raven.

"Thanks for saving me."

"Yeah, you're fucking welcome," Raven said. "I can't say I blame you for it – I mean, I'd probably struggle with a Maiden, too."

"What? No, I'm thanking you for saving me from Summer's wrath. I kinda told Salem where to find her in order to save Cinder's ass, so now she's gonna want to kill me."

A heavy silence fell over the group before Qrow broke it.

"You're a fucking idiot, Jaune, holy shit."

Not much to say with regards to this chapter, but I do have an important announcement to make. So, I've made reference to the fact that I've been working on an original story to some of you, and I'm proud to say that that story has finally come to fruition. That is to say: My first original story is now available for purchase on Amazon! If you want to support me and also want to get a story similar to this one, you can find it on Amazon right now! I'd link it here myself, but unfortunately, FFN doesn't allow direct links. However, you can find it on Amazon by searching, 'I Accidentally Summoned the Demon Queen' by John Haruspex; it's the one with the picture of the demon girl in the thumbnail. If you want to support me monetarily, buying that story is the best/only way to do it. It's available in both ebook and paperback format, so if you feel like supporting me or just want another story of mine to read, it's available now. The ebook is available for free on Kindle Unlimited or for three bucks if you don't have KU, and the paperback is available for twelve bucks if you prefer physical media. Thank you to all of you guys for giving me the confidence I needed to actually make this little dream of mine become a reality, I could never have published this book if it wasn't for all of you helping to inspire me to do it. So, from the bottom of my heart: Thank you, and I hope you enjoy the story.

As far as my fan fiction is concerned, I'm not going to stop writing fan fiction in favor of originals at all. Rather, I'm going to write both at the same time – my fan fiction is for fun/self-improvement, and if you guys want to support me, then my original fiction will be out there for you, too. So rest assured, I'm not abandoning this site or any of my fan fiction in favor of originals.

Once again, thank you to all of you who have given me the confidence to publish this story. I never would have made it here today if it weren't for all of you out there who have read and reviewed my fan fiction. I can't think you enough, and I hope you find my original stories to your liking.