Hamtaro: Adventures of a Horny Hamster
Written by VGerX2001
---
Disclaimer: Gilbert Gottfried alone owns all the characters and
references in this story
---
(WARNING: This fanfic is fully deserving of the R rating bestowed upon. Language, violence, potty humor, slash, sex scenes and references(Though not in detail), this has everything that the casual R-rated movie has. Obviously, the squeamish should turn back. DBZ fans should throw their monitors out the window, unless they want to trigger WWIII. Run, run, or you will be well done, as Kefka would say)
So, little kids, do you want to know what happens when you mix Hamtaro, Goku, CATS, Harry Potter, the Trix Bunny, Crash Bandicoot, the United States president and Mark "Undertaker" Calloway, and turn it into a fanfic?
After reading this, you'll wish that you never knew.
~_-_~
This is the story of a horny hamster named Hamtaro.
And the adventure that once again helped him rise to where he once belonged.
After the sequel to box-office bonanza "Hamtaro" bombed all over the box office(And considering that the movie's only competition was Gigli: Episode 2), the producers and makers of his rapidly fading anime show decided to pull the plug, not only because of the financial disaster, but the repulsive and cynic changes made during the last few weeks of life.
The producers prefered to blame Hamtaro's "ignorance", since he was the one who suggested that both the anime show and sequel movie become "sexed" up. Of course, since most of the things added to the NC-17 disaster are too graphic to even merit a mention on a R-rated fanfic, we will only mention the main shocking addition; Hamtaro successfully swayed the studios into having a male, muscular live-action co-star that was constantly involved in romance scenes with the hamster.
And this is where Hamtaro got angry to the point of nearly walking out: he wanted Goku from DragonBall Z fame to play the role, but the studios were unable to even approach him, so they got Leonardo DiCaprio(Buffed up thanks to the power of CGI effects) to play the role instead. Somehow, the studio convinced Hamtaro into doing the $150 million dollar budgeted sequel, despite not getting along with DiCaprio.
Maybe they should've let Hamtaro walk out in the first place, so they could pull the plug on the movie, because once they saw the opening weekend gross of 2 million, they knew that something was horribly wrong.
This is where Hamtaro truly fell from grace. Shortly after the tragic sequel was yanked out of the box-office, Hamtaro began to have constant go-arounds with the press, ranting and raving with his graphic language on the decision to cast DiCaprio instead of Goku, and how the studio "stupidly" refused to promote the movie at all, instead giving full hype to the Yu-Gi-Oh movie(Which also flopped pathetically, with it's 5 million opening and $15 million dollar gross overall). Soon enough, his name would become a reminder of a cynic and rabid hamster who knew nothing about what the general audience truly wanted.
The makers of his no longer popular anime show decided to cancel it, and permanently dismiss Hamtaro from having any more involvement with Hollywood. All studios would have a poster with the mug of Hamtaro, so that nobody allowed him in. Soon enough, Hamtaro would slip into what seemed like a never ending depression.
After changing his name to Timothy McJuggs, he disguised himself as a cute and innocent mascot at a nearby pet store. Almost immediately, the Calloways(Pro Wrestler Mark, wife Sara and five year old son Mike) bought it.
"What's his name?" said Mike.
"Timothy McJuggs, apparently" the store manager said with a prolonged yawn.
"Pffft, I rename it to Deadman 3.0. Timothy McJuggs is a horrible name"
"Fine! Just relieve me from that nightma--- err, here's your hamster! Have a nice day! (" The manager finally said, and the Calloways finally walked out the door, completely unaware of the dangers that lie beneath. Hamtaro was violent and unpredictable.
Then again, Hamtaro was completely unaware of where the Calloways resided. It was not a clean and tidy house, but a filthy and dirty junkyard, with what had to be at least a dozen chained bulldogs, all barking and howling menacingly to the hamster. They were very unconfortable with the Calloways bringing in a "helpless" and "innocent" hamster into the mix.
When he first entered inside the dirty looking house, Hamtaro's jaw dropped.
There was a widescreen TV. With Direct TV.
"YAY! NOW I CAN WATCH DRAGONBALL Z!" Hamtaro shouted in his mind.
And so, at the first night in the Calloway house, and after the relentless tickles and pets by Mike Calloway, he snuck into the living room, and tuned in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block.
After catching the ending to a Futurama episode("Stupid fucks! Dog poop is more productive than that show! DOG POOP!" commented Hamtaro cynically), the one hour block of uncensored DBZ episodes began.
Now, he didn't watch DBZ because he was another of those blind and drunk fanboys, no no no. He watched DBZ because of.
"GOKU!" Shouted the on-screen villain.
And there he was. The real, mean and lean deal. Goku had a very buffed up appearance, as those massive pecs showed. The villain was about to finish some overweight German exchange student off with a dagger when Goku shouted:
"Leave him alone, or suffer the power of the Z!"
At the same time, Hamtaro began to feel his imaginary yeast rising. rising. and continued rising.
He was in love. with Goku.
He ignored the villain. He ignored the exchange student. He ignored anything that didn't have the mouth savoring flavor of Goku.
"Oh, Goku." Hamtaro moaned dreamily, inching closer to the television screen, licking it slowly and passionately. though it might've tasted like TV screen to the normal person, to Hamtaro, it tasted like heaven; the heavenly taste of Goku's flesh.
He didn't care about fame. He didn't care about hollywood.
All he wanted was to be in bed with his hero.
That was Hamtaro's plan. Tune in to CN every night to see uncensored episodes of DragonBall Z, while the Calloways slept. With each passing moon, Goku wore more and more revealing clothing, and Hamtaro's imaginary yeast grew larger and larger.
One day, Hamtaro was set to have the whole house to himself.
"You get to beat Brock Lesnar's ass at No Mercy for the title? COOL!" exclaimed Mike Calloway, when he heard that his father was booked to win the WWE title in tonight's PPV.
"Yes, but we better hurry to the arena. Mr. McMahon wants me there early so me and Lesnar can plan out our match. hopefully, it will make up for Vince/Steph."
Hamtaro just ate silently, trying to contain his glee and merriment. And they had picked the perfect time to leave to. Cartoon Network was planning a 24 hour DBZ marathon, which meant that the yeast would rise for 24 hours straight.
"Um, don't worry, I'll take care of these bulldogs and this house." said Hamtaro to the Calloways, as they drove away on their vehicule. They wouldn't be back until next morning.
Heaven had cometh.
~_-_~
"SMITH! JOSEPH! COLE!" shouted a gruffy and bossy captain, in the near pitch-blackness of the room.
"Yes, sir!" the three small and skinny figures shouted back. Compared to the massive stature of the captain, they looked like midgets.
"Now, I'm sure you all know why you're here, right?" barked the Captain, showing the unkempt and unshaven facial hair.
"Yes, sir!" they shouted in the instant. They wouldn't be here if otherwise.
"Now, as you tiny little maggots now...." said the Captain, pacing around each of the three soldiers. ".at 0800 am, mysterious forces have invaded the white house, and unfortunately so, the United States President is missing!"
None of them responded.
"Now, by orders of the prime minister, I decided to send a special search squad to search for the President, high and nigh! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!?!?!??"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Good. YOU WILL NOW LEAVE AND NOT COME BACK UNTIL THE PRESIDENT IS RESCUED SAFE AND SOUND! GO GO GO!" He shouted finally
~_-_~
"Ooooooohh, more, more, I NEED MORE!"
On the TV, Goku was not fighting or confronting anybody at the moment. Instead, he was dancing. dancing.
"Bliss. neverending bliss."
"I hope it never ends."
"THE SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR THIS SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN"
"What the fucking fuck!?!!??!?" Hamtaro shrieked.
His fantasy dreams. gone.
"We interrupt our regurarly scheduled programming to report live from the white house, where the first lady is about to give a speech concerning the disappearance of the United State President!"
"Thanks, Bill. SOMEBODY, PLEASE! THINK OF MY HUSBAND."
They have done it.
Hamtaro was mad.
All of a sudden.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Hamtaro wheeled around instantly, peeking out of the window.
The bulldogs. They had three midget figures cornered.
"Nice doggie. nice doggie." The smallest of them whimpered.
"Help! HEEEEEELP!" The second midget shrieked.
"No!" Hamtaro yelled, shutting the window. He returned to the sofa.
But Barbara Bush's speech continued.
"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ."
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"
"Fine! I'm coming!" shouted Hamtaro. He had no choice. It was either them or the Barbara Bush speech.
Hamtaro grabbed a machete. And left.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Suddenly, Hamtaro chased the bulldogs away, before they could do the dogs any harm.
"GO BACK TO YOUR DOGHOUSES, STUPID ASSHOLES!" shouted Hamtaro verbosally. "And you?!!?!?" he said, turning to face the guards.
"Well. well." they stammered.
"We tried to get the help of the Undertaker, him being the American Badass and stuff." One of them said, only to be interrupted.
"Well, if you want him, tough luck, because he must be in another state by then."
"Well, if Calloway isn't available, I think we should leave."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" Hamtaro shrieked, brandishing the machete towards them.
They turned around and walked away.
Only to turn back.
"Ummmm." the guards stammered again. Hamtaro still wielded the machete high in the sky. "You think that you could."
"Me do what?" said Hamtaro.
"The president is missing and."
"Yes, I know" snorted Hamtaro. "Mrs. Bush is currently sobbing about it."
"Well, could you help us?"
The instant they saw Hamtaro's eyes, they wished that they never asked.
"YOU. OUT. NOW."
"F-f-fine."
And they walked away without hesitation.
Hamtaro entered the room again.
But the speech continued.
".GOD, PLEASE. .NO, DON'T LET MY SWEETIE PIE BE DEAD."
"Oh, fuck." Hamtaro couldn't do anything else. He barged out of the house again.
"Hey! You three!" shouted the hamster.
"What? We have to get on our way!" They shouted back.
"No! I have an offer! I'll find the stupid president for you so I can get something in return!"
The hearts of the midgets leapt.
"REALLY?"
"Yes, really. Now."
"REALLY REALLY?"
"YES!"
"Well, what do you want in return?"
"We can offer you anything! Video games, free movie tickets, posters of a naked Jennifer Lopez, anything!"
Hamtaro suddenly smiled. This was his opportunity.
"THIRTY MINUTES IN BED WITH GOKU!" shouted the hamster.\
And they couldn't deny the opportunity.
"WE HAVE A DEAL! CHA CHING, BABY!"
That was it. That was all that Hamtaro had to do.
Find the president.
And then have his fantasies fulfilled.
(WARNING: This fanfic is fully deserving of the R rating bestowed upon. Language, violence, potty humor, slash, sex scenes and references(Though not in detail), this has everything that the casual R-rated movie has. Obviously, the squeamish should turn back. DBZ fans should throw their monitors out the window, unless they want to trigger WWIII. Run, run, or you will be well done, as Kefka would say)
So, little kids, do you want to know what happens when you mix Hamtaro, Goku, CATS, Harry Potter, the Trix Bunny, Crash Bandicoot, the United States president and Mark "Undertaker" Calloway, and turn it into a fanfic?
After reading this, you'll wish that you never knew.
~_-_~
This is the story of a horny hamster named Hamtaro.
And the adventure that once again helped him rise to where he once belonged.
After the sequel to box-office bonanza "Hamtaro" bombed all over the box office(And considering that the movie's only competition was Gigli: Episode 2), the producers and makers of his rapidly fading anime show decided to pull the plug, not only because of the financial disaster, but the repulsive and cynic changes made during the last few weeks of life.
The producers prefered to blame Hamtaro's "ignorance", since he was the one who suggested that both the anime show and sequel movie become "sexed" up. Of course, since most of the things added to the NC-17 disaster are too graphic to even merit a mention on a R-rated fanfic, we will only mention the main shocking addition; Hamtaro successfully swayed the studios into having a male, muscular live-action co-star that was constantly involved in romance scenes with the hamster.
And this is where Hamtaro got angry to the point of nearly walking out: he wanted Goku from DragonBall Z fame to play the role, but the studios were unable to even approach him, so they got Leonardo DiCaprio(Buffed up thanks to the power of CGI effects) to play the role instead. Somehow, the studio convinced Hamtaro into doing the $150 million dollar budgeted sequel, despite not getting along with DiCaprio.
Maybe they should've let Hamtaro walk out in the first place, so they could pull the plug on the movie, because once they saw the opening weekend gross of 2 million, they knew that something was horribly wrong.
This is where Hamtaro truly fell from grace. Shortly after the tragic sequel was yanked out of the box-office, Hamtaro began to have constant go-arounds with the press, ranting and raving with his graphic language on the decision to cast DiCaprio instead of Goku, and how the studio "stupidly" refused to promote the movie at all, instead giving full hype to the Yu-Gi-Oh movie(Which also flopped pathetically, with it's 5 million opening and $15 million dollar gross overall). Soon enough, his name would become a reminder of a cynic and rabid hamster who knew nothing about what the general audience truly wanted.
The makers of his no longer popular anime show decided to cancel it, and permanently dismiss Hamtaro from having any more involvement with Hollywood. All studios would have a poster with the mug of Hamtaro, so that nobody allowed him in. Soon enough, Hamtaro would slip into what seemed like a never ending depression.
After changing his name to Timothy McJuggs, he disguised himself as a cute and innocent mascot at a nearby pet store. Almost immediately, the Calloways(Pro Wrestler Mark, wife Sara and five year old son Mike) bought it.
"What's his name?" said Mike.
"Timothy McJuggs, apparently" the store manager said with a prolonged yawn.
"Pffft, I rename it to Deadman 3.0. Timothy McJuggs is a horrible name"
"Fine! Just relieve me from that nightma--- err, here's your hamster! Have a nice day! (" The manager finally said, and the Calloways finally walked out the door, completely unaware of the dangers that lie beneath. Hamtaro was violent and unpredictable.
Then again, Hamtaro was completely unaware of where the Calloways resided. It was not a clean and tidy house, but a filthy and dirty junkyard, with what had to be at least a dozen chained bulldogs, all barking and howling menacingly to the hamster. They were very unconfortable with the Calloways bringing in a "helpless" and "innocent" hamster into the mix.
When he first entered inside the dirty looking house, Hamtaro's jaw dropped.
There was a widescreen TV. With Direct TV.
"YAY! NOW I CAN WATCH DRAGONBALL Z!" Hamtaro shouted in his mind.
And so, at the first night in the Calloway house, and after the relentless tickles and pets by Mike Calloway, he snuck into the living room, and tuned in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block.
After catching the ending to a Futurama episode("Stupid fucks! Dog poop is more productive than that show! DOG POOP!" commented Hamtaro cynically), the one hour block of uncensored DBZ episodes began.
Now, he didn't watch DBZ because he was another of those blind and drunk fanboys, no no no. He watched DBZ because of.
"GOKU!" Shouted the on-screen villain.
And there he was. The real, mean and lean deal. Goku had a very buffed up appearance, as those massive pecs showed. The villain was about to finish some overweight German exchange student off with a dagger when Goku shouted:
"Leave him alone, or suffer the power of the Z!"
At the same time, Hamtaro began to feel his imaginary yeast rising. rising. and continued rising.
He was in love. with Goku.
He ignored the villain. He ignored the exchange student. He ignored anything that didn't have the mouth savoring flavor of Goku.
"Oh, Goku." Hamtaro moaned dreamily, inching closer to the television screen, licking it slowly and passionately. though it might've tasted like TV screen to the normal person, to Hamtaro, it tasted like heaven; the heavenly taste of Goku's flesh.
He didn't care about fame. He didn't care about hollywood.
All he wanted was to be in bed with his hero.
That was Hamtaro's plan. Tune in to CN every night to see uncensored episodes of DragonBall Z, while the Calloways slept. With each passing moon, Goku wore more and more revealing clothing, and Hamtaro's imaginary yeast grew larger and larger.
One day, Hamtaro was set to have the whole house to himself.
"You get to beat Brock Lesnar's ass at No Mercy for the title? COOL!" exclaimed Mike Calloway, when he heard that his father was booked to win the WWE title in tonight's PPV.
"Yes, but we better hurry to the arena. Mr. McMahon wants me there early so me and Lesnar can plan out our match. hopefully, it will make up for Vince/Steph."
Hamtaro just ate silently, trying to contain his glee and merriment. And they had picked the perfect time to leave to. Cartoon Network was planning a 24 hour DBZ marathon, which meant that the yeast would rise for 24 hours straight.
"Um, don't worry, I'll take care of these bulldogs and this house." said Hamtaro to the Calloways, as they drove away on their vehicule. They wouldn't be back until next morning.
Heaven had cometh.
~_-_~
"SMITH! JOSEPH! COLE!" shouted a gruffy and bossy captain, in the near pitch-blackness of the room.
"Yes, sir!" the three small and skinny figures shouted back. Compared to the massive stature of the captain, they looked like midgets.
"Now, I'm sure you all know why you're here, right?" barked the Captain, showing the unkempt and unshaven facial hair.
"Yes, sir!" they shouted in the instant. They wouldn't be here if otherwise.
"Now, as you tiny little maggots now...." said the Captain, pacing around each of the three soldiers. ".at 0800 am, mysterious forces have invaded the white house, and unfortunately so, the United States President is missing!"
None of them responded.
"Now, by orders of the prime minister, I decided to send a special search squad to search for the President, high and nigh! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!?!?!??"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Good. YOU WILL NOW LEAVE AND NOT COME BACK UNTIL THE PRESIDENT IS RESCUED SAFE AND SOUND! GO GO GO!" He shouted finally
~_-_~
"Ooooooohh, more, more, I NEED MORE!"
On the TV, Goku was not fighting or confronting anybody at the moment. Instead, he was dancing. dancing.
"Bliss. neverending bliss."
"I hope it never ends."
"THE SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR THIS SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN"
"What the fucking fuck!?!!??!?" Hamtaro shrieked.
His fantasy dreams. gone.
"We interrupt our regurarly scheduled programming to report live from the white house, where the first lady is about to give a speech concerning the disappearance of the United State President!"
"Thanks, Bill. SOMEBODY, PLEASE! THINK OF MY HUSBAND."
They have done it.
Hamtaro was mad.
All of a sudden.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Hamtaro wheeled around instantly, peeking out of the window.
The bulldogs. They had three midget figures cornered.
"Nice doggie. nice doggie." The smallest of them whimpered.
"Help! HEEEEEELP!" The second midget shrieked.
"No!" Hamtaro yelled, shutting the window. He returned to the sofa.
But Barbara Bush's speech continued.
"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ."
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"
"Fine! I'm coming!" shouted Hamtaro. He had no choice. It was either them or the Barbara Bush speech.
Hamtaro grabbed a machete. And left.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Suddenly, Hamtaro chased the bulldogs away, before they could do the dogs any harm.
"GO BACK TO YOUR DOGHOUSES, STUPID ASSHOLES!" shouted Hamtaro verbosally. "And you?!!?!?" he said, turning to face the guards.
"Well. well." they stammered.
"We tried to get the help of the Undertaker, him being the American Badass and stuff." One of them said, only to be interrupted.
"Well, if you want him, tough luck, because he must be in another state by then."
"Well, if Calloway isn't available, I think we should leave."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" Hamtaro shrieked, brandishing the machete towards them.
They turned around and walked away.
Only to turn back.
"Ummmm." the guards stammered again. Hamtaro still wielded the machete high in the sky. "You think that you could."
"Me do what?" said Hamtaro.
"The president is missing and."
"Yes, I know" snorted Hamtaro. "Mrs. Bush is currently sobbing about it."
"Well, could you help us?"
The instant they saw Hamtaro's eyes, they wished that they never asked.
"YOU. OUT. NOW."
"F-f-fine."
And they walked away without hesitation.
Hamtaro entered the room again.
But the speech continued.
".GOD, PLEASE. .NO, DON'T LET MY SWEETIE PIE BE DEAD."
"Oh, fuck." Hamtaro couldn't do anything else. He barged out of the house again.
"Hey! You three!" shouted the hamster.
"What? We have to get on our way!" They shouted back.
"No! I have an offer! I'll find the stupid president for you so I can get something in return!"
The hearts of the midgets leapt.
"REALLY?"
"Yes, really. Now."
"REALLY REALLY?"
"YES!"
"Well, what do you want in return?"
"We can offer you anything! Video games, free movie tickets, posters of a naked Jennifer Lopez, anything!"
Hamtaro suddenly smiled. This was his opportunity.
"THIRTY MINUTES IN BED WITH GOKU!" shouted the hamster.\
And they couldn't deny the opportunity.
"WE HAVE A DEAL! CHA CHING, BABY!"
That was it. That was all that Hamtaro had to do.
Find the president.
And then have his fantasies fulfilled.