A/N: Thanks to all reviewers! I honestly didn't expect to get so many encouraging reviews!
For the most part, the rest of Harry's summer passed in much the same way as the beginning had. The Dursleys continued their midsummer madness but they seemed content to ignore him and Harry was delighted to be able to return the favour. The end of July, of course, marked his birthday and Harry received the customary sweets, books and Weasley jumper (usually reserved for Christmas. Mrs Weasley obviously felt that he needed to be wrapped up warm in the middle of July –perhaps there was hope yet for that snow-blizzard). New this year was the card and vast bag of sweets that arrived via screech owl (screech by name and screech by nature –Uncle Vernon's face had reached an alarming tomato colour at record speeds) in the dead of the night courtesy of the entire Order, although Harry noticed that Snape hadn't signed. He appreciated the sentiment but the last thing he needed right now was a whole load of overbearing, pitying adults.
Three days prior to his birthday, the results of his OWLs had arrived on the leg of what appeared to be a very disgruntled and ruffled school owl. The envelope now lay unopened at the bottom of his trunk. Harry didn't need confirmation to know how badly he had done.
August's only high point was the three-day row between Dudley and his parents. Eventually, their son's incessant screaming, crying and complaining wore down his Aunt and Uncle to the point where they conceded to buy yet another new Playstation to replace the one Dudley had kicked in a fit of fury.
As it was, August 31st arrived far more quickly than Harry was accustomed to and he was shocked to realise as he lay staring up at his bedroom's ceiling with night falling around the house, that he had not thought of Sirius since he woke that morning. He was riddled with guilt. How could he let the anticipation of leaving the Dursleys,-beasts that they were -for another year overshadow the enormity of what he had lost? Yet, on another level he knew that he felt far less guilt than he should. Perhaps, if the pain of Sirius' death was beginning to diminish, the dreams would cease and he could sleep at night…. He felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
The journey on the Hogwarts Express was a nightmare. People insisted on peering through the compartment door to catch a glimpse of him, first-years listened wide-eyed to the tales older students told of his earlier exploits. Some of them were embroidered a little. Most were entirely fictitious. Worst of all, his best friends glanced at him warily throughout the entire trip, offering their condolences and casting him looks of sympathy and pity. He didn't need sympathy or pity! He needed to be alone!
It was to Harry's great relief that the students finally made it to the steps of the castle where he could blend into the crowd without people noticing him. For the first time in weeks, he was actually looking forward to something. He couldn't wait to be back at Hogwarts. The castle was the only place he really felt he belonged now. Thus, it was a great disappointment to be pulled aside by McGonagall before he could enter the Great Hall with his friends. McGonagall gave him a swift looking-over as if to assure herself he was still in one piece before she spoke.
"Mr Potter, the Headmaster has informed me that he would like you to see him after the Feast. You know where his office is?" At Harry's nod, a small smile crept onto her face. "Good," she declared. "The password is cockroach cluster." Her mouth twisted into a grimace at her evident dislike of the password and Harry had to work hard to conceal a smile. She cast him another look, seemingly assessing him. "Harry…I'm always willing to listen if you ever need to talk."
Harry looked up in surprise. He had been expecting that phrase from a large number of people pretending to be his friends –indeed, he had already heard it numerous times on the train –but McGonagall had said it as if she truly cared. And really what ulterior motive would his Head of House have? For the first time in what felt like an age, Harry gave a genuine smile. "Thank you, Professor. I'll remember that."
McGonagall nodded and Harry hurried into the Hall where the Sorting was due to begin soon. He left behind a profoundly sorrowful expression on his teacher's face as she recalled how his smile had rekindled the usual jade fire in his eyes…and wondering how she could have failed to notice that they had previously been devoid of that same fire.
The Sorting, together with the enchanted ceiling and the Headmaster's traditional speech had not failed to strike awe into the first-years' hearts. Harry noticed none of them, instead brooding on why Dumbledore would want to speak to him. He had explained everything last term and Harry did not much want to be reminded of what they had talked about. And he wasn't sure he could be trusted yet not to vandalise the Headmaster's office again.
He learned to ignore the 'surreptitious' stares of the entire school, and really, what had he been expecting?
Predictably, Hermione brought up the subject of OWLs only ten minutes into the feast, much to Harry's amusement and Ron's chagrin.
"'Mione! Leave us alone! We know you got the highest number of OWLs in Merlin-knows-how-many-years-"
"Seventy-five-"
" –but that's no reason to rub in the fact that we didn't get thirteen OWLs. Thirteen…I mean…that's even more than Percy!"
"-years," she continued smoothly. "And that was achieved by Edmontia Davies in 1921. She received thirteen as well and the only other thirteen or higher score in the last two hundred years was Professor Dumbledore! He received all fifteen in 1861!" Hermione blinked suddenly and stopped lecturing, though her mouth was still poised to continue. Ron's voice in the background continued for another few seconds before he realised no-one was listening. Hermione turned to Harry.
He sighed inwardly. He should have been expecting this. To tell the truth, he had been. He had been expecting it to be almost the first thing out of Hermione's mouth when she saw him, but dammit! He didn't want to know!
"Hey, Harry…you didn't owl us to tell what you got. Were you forbidden from sending out Hedwig?"
Hmm…actually that wasn't such a bad excuse…but...but he was sick of being lied to and he had sworn that where he could, he would tell the truth.
"No…actually I don't know how I did."
Hermione looked scandalised whilst Ron's eyebrows disappeared into his hair. "Really! Didn't they reach you? I thought the owls looked too overworked but to actually delay-"
Harry had to cut her off. "No, Mione," he interrupted. "The owl arrived but I didn't open it. I don't need to know."
It was worth it, he reflected, just to see the expression on Hermione's face. He had never seen anyone look so shocked. "But Harry…I mean…don't you want to know?"
Harry shook his head. "I know I did dismally. And really, it's not like anyone's going to care what I got…" He trailed off and suddenly his friends' eyes widened in understanding.
"Harry," Hermione began carefully, "we care! And we want to congratulate you where you did well-"
"And commiserate where you did awful-"
"Ron!"
"Well, no-one could have passed Divination! I mean, I failed that one spectacularly!"
Harry had to smile at that. He was certain he'd failed Divination just as abysmally as Ron claimed he had.
"Really, Harry…have you still got the letter? Will you open it?"
"We promise we won't laugh."
Hermione shot Ron a nasty look and Harry had to stifle a snicker as they both turned to him, shooting him inquiring looks.
"Alright!" he conceded, laughing. "It's in my trunk. I'll read it tonight!" Apparently satisfied, his friends then turned the
conversation to more trivial, mundane things but Harry really wasn't concentrating. He knew the letter would just
confirm how badly he had done, but even the confirmation was worth the warm feeling his friends' conversation had given him.
Someone cared…even if it wasn't Sirius.
* * *
That warm feeling had long vanished by the time he was seated in front of Dumbledore's desk, a large box of sweets shoved under his nose.
"Sherbet lemon, Harry?"
Harry shook his head politely and remained silent, determined that, since Dumbledore had asked him to come up in the first place, he could start the conversation. Dumbledore popped a sweet into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully for a moment, regarding Harry from behind steepled fingers.
"Hmm…Harry. I suppose you want to know why I have asked you to see me?" Harry only nodded. "Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you on your OWL results. Quite something even if I do say so myself!" What? What was Dumbledore on about? "Secondly…how are you Harry?"
Harry looked up in surprise. How did Dumbledore think he was? Happy? Content? No. He settled for: "Better. At least…I don't think I'm going to throw things around this time." He attempted a smile and was relieved when it was returned. He had felt guilty about that but he just hadn't been calm enough to apologise. Well, no time like the present. "Sorry about that. Sir."
Dumbledore smiled benevolently. "That's quite alright, Harry. I daresay much of it needed replacing. I do seem to collect unusual artefacts." He paused and gave Harry one of those inscrutable looks. "And I am glad, in a way." Harry started and gave a Dumbledore a look that, quite plainly, said he thought his Headmaster was balmy. "Anger can be a most dangerous emotion and I am glad that you could let it out without causing yourself harm." He sighed. "Harry, what I want to say is that you needn't feel alone. Yes, no-one can know how you feel but they can be there for you when you need them. Mr Weasley and Miss Granger both wish to help you, as do I. And several of the Order, in fact. The Weasleys, most noticeably."
Harry choked down a sob. How did Dumbledore know? How did he know that the one thing that scared Harry more than anything was not facing the end, but facing it alone? That warm feeling returned suddenly and Harry found himself smiling genuinely for the third time in as many hours. What was wrong with him? Luckily he was saved from pondering that further because Dumbledore was talking again.
"I don't want you thinking for a second, Harry, that we will allow you to face this alone." He sighed again and Harry was suddenly struck by how old he must be. What had Hermione said? 1861? That made him one hundred and fifty years old! "I must confess, however, that assuring you was not my only motive for asking you up here. I would ask that you continue your Occlumency lessons with Professor Snape. I feel that learning to become an Occulumens could be an immensely useful skill to have in the future."
Actually, Harry had been sort of hoping that he could start again. At least Voldemort wouldn't be able to trick him the same way twice. But did it have to be with Snape? Evidently, Dumbledore read something of his thoughts from his face because he chuckled indulgently. "I realise that you do not get on well together but I have spoken to Professor Snape and he has told me that he will be willing to teach you as long as you are willing to learn." Harry stared. Snape had agreed? That didn't sound like something Snape would do…except…well, actually it did. As long as you are willing to learn. Who else could have managed to insult him when agreeing to teach him?
Harry made sure to look Dumbledore in the eyes. "I would be willing to learn, sir." If Snape was actually willing to teach, which he found hard to believe.
Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you, Harry. I will admit that that lessens a great worry on my mind."
It was strange, Harry pondered as he rode the staircase down from Dumbledore's office, how certain people could just make him feel wanted when he wanted nothing more than to push them away. And all things considered, it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. It seemed he wasn't so alone as he had originally thought.
And of course, now he was unbelievably curious about his OWLs.
* * *
The envelope appeared innocent and unassuming but Harry knew from experience that appearances could be deceiving. He hadn't felt this nervous about a letter in a long time, not since he'd had to take a letter from school home to the Dursleys asking to explain how he'd managed to set free the frogs awaiting dissection in the biology lab. God…this was ridiculous. He'd faced Voldemort too many times to count, he'd killed a basilisk, he'd survived Snape…so why was he so nervous over opening one envelope?
Beside him, Ron and Hermione gave him sympathetic glances. "I couldn't open it for twenty minutes," admitted Hermione. "I was just so worried that I'd done badly and at least if I didn't open it, I'd never have to know."
Ron gave her an incredulous look. "You thought you were going to do badly? Hermione, you must have been the only person who thought you were going to do badly-"
They stopped arguing when they noticed that Harry had seized the opportunity while they weren't paying attention and was now reading his letter. They began to get worried when he said nothing for several minutes. Wordlessly, Harry finished reading and handed them the letter, his face betraying nothing. Ron took the letter and Hermione read it over his shoulder. Finally:
"Harry…"
"I-I-"
"Wow, Harry. Just…wow."
Harry had to agree with them. He'd had to read the letter through three times before he was convinced his eyes weren't playing up. And he almost still didn't believe it…except, well, it was written. Right there.
Dear Mr Potter,
Following are the results of your OWL (Ordinary Wizarding Level) examinations taken in the summer term of nineteen-hundred-and-ninety-six.
Both practical and written examinations were marked using the standard marking scheme of awarding points out of twenty five and averaging the results to give the final grade, except in those subjects where only one examination was issued, where the results were not averaged.
It should be noted that both the Astronomy Practical examination and the Potions Written examination were standardized because 1). The Astronomy Practical examination was interrupted by an unexpected and unavoidable disruption that caused most candidates to leave the examination only two-thirds finished and 2). The Potions Written examination was found to be particularly difficult, causing the grade boundaries to be lowered.
Astronomy:
Practical-Poor
Written-Acceptable
Overall averaged grade-Acceptable
Care of Magical Creatures
Practical-Exceeds Expectations
Overall grade-Exceeds Expectations
Charms:
Practical-Exceeds Expectations
Written-Outstanding
Overall averaged grade-Outstanding
Defence Against the Dark Arts:
Practical-Outstanding
Written-Outstanding
Overall averaged grade-Outstanding
Divination:
Practical-Poor
Overall grade-Poor
Herbology:
Practical-Exceeds Expectations
Written-Exceeds Expectations
Overall averaged grade-Exceeds Expectations
History of Magic:
Written-Poor
Overall grade-Poor
Potions:
Practical-Exceeds Expectations
Written-Outstanding
Overall averaged grade-Outstanding
Transfigurations:
Practical-Outstanding
Written-Outstanding
Overall averaged grade-Outstanding
N.B Consistently excellent demonstrations and answers in both aspects of the Defence Against the Dark Arts examination, coupled with the proof of ability to conjure a fully corporal patronus, allows for an extra certificate in Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts to be awarded. Approved by Examiner E.B Tofty.
Congratulations Mr Potter. You have achieved twelve full OWLs and one HOWL (Higher Ordinary Wizarding Level).
Please send an owl detailing which courses you wish to continue in your sixth year to Hogwarts Professor McGonagall before August 15th. It should be noted that you will only be able to continue in certain subjects if your overall averaged grade meets the requirement of the teacher involved in that subject.
Madame Twoileaf
E.B.E (Examining Board of Europe)
Harry couldn't believe it. He had actually done well! (Although how he had managed to get an Outstanding in Potions was beyond him. Maybe the Polyjuice question had carried a lot of weight in the Written…and without Snape barking at him every five minutes, he had actually managed to concentrate on the Practical).
Hermione was predictably gobsmacked. "Harry…a HOWL! That's virtually unheard of! It's almost considered to be a low-grade NEWT. Those results would be enough to apprentice you to an Auror today!"
Harry smiled. "I think I'd like to finish school first, 'Mione. But…look…I mean…there must be something wrong. I can't have got an O in Potions!"
Hermione frowned. "Well, the letter did say it had been too hard. And there was that whole question on Polyjuice Potion!"
Ron grinned. "Just imagine the look on Snape's face when you turn up to take NEWT potions!"
Harry grinned back at him. An almost bubbly, happy feeling had welled up inside him and he was content for now just to listen to his friends argue. He wasn't worried about the sending an owl to Professor McGonagall bit. She knew what he wanted to take, and besides, tomorrow was Sunday. He could tell her then.
It occurred to him as he was drifting off to sleep that night that Dumbledore must have known he hadn't opened his letter or he'd have inquired as to why Harry hadn't sent an owl back. He was forced to rethink his assumptions of Dumbledore. The man was old, but he wasn't senile.
And the look on Professor Snape's face was going to be priceless. Maybe he could get Colin to take a picture.