JENNIE
My heart aches as the words leave her mouth. She's too good at this. "You always do this. You say the same things over and over, yet nothing changes," I say.
"You're right," she admits, looking directly into my eyes. "It's true. Yeah, I'll admit the first few days I was just so mad, and I didn't want to be anywhere near you because you were overreacting—but then, as I began to realize this could be it, it terrified me. I know I haven't treated you the way I should have, I don't know how to love anyone other than myself, Jem. I'm trying as hard as I can—okay, I haven't been trying as hard I could. But I will from now on—I swear it."
I look at her. I've heard those words too many times. "You know you've said that before."
"I know, but this time I mean it. After I saw Natalie, I—" Natalie? My stomach drops. "You saw her?"
Does she still love Lisa? Or hate her? Has she truly ruined her entire life?
"Yeah, I saw her and I spoke to her. She's pregnant." Oh God.
"I haven't seen her in years, Jennie," she says sarcastically, reading my mind. "She's also engaged, and she's happy, and she told me that she forgives me and was saying how she's happy to be getting married because there's no greater honor or some shit, but it was really eye-opening for me." She steps toward me again.
My legs and arms are numb from the cold air, and I'm furious at Lisa, more than furious. I'm enraged and heartbroken. Shee keeps going back and forth, and it's exhausting. Now she's here in front of me talking about marriage, and I don't know what to think.
I shouldn't have even left with her. My mind was made up earlier: I would get over her if it was the last thing I did.
"What are you saying?" I ask.
"That now I realize how lucky I am to have you, to have you stick by me through all the shit I put you through."
"Well, you are. And you should've realized that before. I've always loved you more than you love me and—"
"That's not true! I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. I went through hell, too, Jennie. I've been sick, literally, without you. I've barely eaten, I know I look like shit. I was doing this for you so you could move on," she explains.
"That doesn't even make any sense." I push my damp hair away from my face.
"Yes, it does. It does make sense. I thought if I stayed out of your life, you could move on and be happy without me, with your own Elijah."
"Who's Elijah?" What is she talking about?
"What? Oh, Natalie's fiancé. See, she found someone to love and marry her; you can, too," she tells me.
"But that someone's not you . . . is it?" I ask her.
A few seconds pass and she doesn't say anything. Her expression is puzzled and frantic as she tugs at her hair for the tenth time in the last hour. Slivers of orange and red light are beginning to appear behind the large houses on the block, and I need to get inside before everyone wakes up and I have to shame-walk past them in boxers and high heels.
"I didn't think so." I sigh, not allowing any more tears to be shed for her, not until I'm alone, at least.
Lisa stands in front of me with a completely blank expression as I pull up Jisoo's number and ask her to open the door for me. I should have known that Lisa was only going to fight enough to get me out of Rosé's apartment. Now that she actually has the perfect opportunity to tell me everything I need to hear, she's standing there in silence.
"COME ON, IT'S FREEZING," Jisoo says and closes the door behind me.
I don't want to push my problems on Jisoo right now. She only got home from New York a few hours ago, and I need to not be selfish.
She grabs the blanket that hangs over the back of the chair and drapes it over my shoulders. "Let's go upstairs before they get up," she suggests, and I nod.
My entire body and mind are numb from the snow and Lisa. I glance at the clock as I follow Jisoo up the stairs; it's ten till six. I need to get into the shower in ten minutes. It's going to be a long day. Jisoo opens the door to the room I've been staying in and turns the light on as I walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Are you okay? You look like you're freezing," she says, and I nod. I'm grateful for her not asking what I'm wearing and why.
"How was New York?" I ask, but I know my voice comes out monotone and uninterested. The thing is, I am interested in my best friend's life, I just have no emotions left to show.
She gives me a little look. "You sure you want to talk about this right now? It can wait until coffee o'clock, you know."
"I'm sure," I say and force a smile.
I'm used to this back-and-forth with Lisa; it still hurts, but I knew it was coming. It always does. I can't believe she went to Thailand to get away from me. She said she had to clear her head, but I should be the one clearing mine. I shouldn't have stayed outside and talked to her for so long. I should have had her drive me here and come right inside the house instead of listening to her. The words she said only made me more confused. I thought for a moment she was going to say she does see and want a future with me, but when it came time for her to say just that, she let me walk away again.
When she admitted that she wanted to take me away to Thailand so I couldn't leave her, I should have run for the hills, but I know her too well. I know she doesn't believe she's worthy of anyone loving her, and I know that in her mind that made sense to her. The problem is that's not a normal thing to do—she can't just expect me to give up everything and be trapped with her in Thailand. We can't be there just because she's scared that if we're not, I'll leave her.
She has a lot of things she needs to work out on her own, and so do I. I love her, but I have to love myself more.
"It was nice, I loved it. Yeri's apartment is really awesome, and her roommate is really nice," Jisoo starts off by saying. And all I can think is that it must be so nice to have an uncomplicated relationship. Memories of Kai and me watching endless hours of movies flash through my mind; nothing was ever complicated with him. But maybe that's why it didn't last. Maybe that's why I love Lisa so much: because she challenges me and we have so much passion between us that it nearly crushes us both.
After Jisoo tells me some more details, I pick up on her excitement over New York City. "So are you moving there?" I ask.
"Yeah, I think I am. Not until the semester ends, but I really want to be near her. I miss her a lot," sglhe tells me.
"I know you do. I'm happy for you, I really am." "I'm sorry that you and Lisa . . ."
"Don't be. It's done. I'm done. I have to be. Maybe I should come to New York with you." I smile, and her face lights up with the warm smile I adore so much.
"You could, you know."
I always say this. I always say I'm done with Lisa, then I go back to her; it's an endless cycle. So in this moment, I make a decision: "I'm going to talk to Christian Tuesday about Seattle."
"Really?"
"I have to," I tell her, and she nods in agreement.
"I'm going to get dressed, so you can take a shower. I'll meet you downstairs when you're ready."
"I missed you so much." I stand and hug her as tight as I can. Tears spill down my cheeks, and she hugs me tighter.
"I'm sorry, I'm just a mess now. I have been since she came into my life," I cry and pull away.
She frowns but doesn't say anything as she heads to the door. I gather my clothes in my arms and follow her into the hallway to head to the bathroom.
"Jennie?" she says as she reaches her bedroom door. "Yeah?"
Jisoo looks at me with great sympathy in her eyes. "Just because she can't love you the way you want her to doesn't mean she doesn't love you with everything she has," she says.
What does that even mean? I process her words as I close the bathroom door and start the shower. Lisa loves me, I know she does, but she continues to make mistake after mistake. I continue to make the mistake of putting up with it. Does she love me with everything she has? Is that enough? As I pull Rosé's T-shirt over my head, there's a knock at the door.
"Hang on, Jisoo, I need one second," I call and pull the shirt down to cover my stomach.
But when I open the door, it's not Jisoo. It's Lisa, and her cheeks are stained with tears and her eyes are bloodshot.
"Lisa?"
Her hand cups my neck, and she pulls me to her. Her mouth moves against mine before I can resist.