Chapter 46

Of course he was talked about everywhere after that.

In paparazzi magazines, in thrown-together documentaries about the 'rise and fall' of the band, and his face was everywhere on the internet. His name brushed my ears falling from customers' lips and the radio played songs in tribute like they all died in a plane crash.

My heart ached every once in a while, the part of me that would always love him worried for him, for what he might be feeling right now, for what he might be doing. He was a loner, preferred to keep to himself in the midst of his impending illness, so I wondered if he was holed up feeling sorry for himself, drinking and smoking and god knows what else. He was no stranger to self-destruction, and with every mention of his name, I waited with bated breath for the outcome I hoped never to hear, because Edward had said he had nothing to live for without his music.

My mind didn't let me say out loud what my heart wanted to, that he could've had me.

I kept busy concentrating on Emmett and his gigs, while still trying to keep my job at the coffee house. He was playing almost every night around town and on the nights I wasn't working until midnight, I was at his shows until sometimes three in the morning. It became the norm for both of us to sleep in until noon or later.

We joked that we were truly close to living the rock star life.

Emmett started dating a girl who came to his shows often, a stunning blonde named Rosalie. She didn't annoy me like some of the groupies did, and she seemed to have a bit more class. There more for the music than the possible bedding of a soon-to-be star.

They tried to fix me up with a friend of hers, a nice enough guy named Erik, but I had zero interest in pursuing anything romantic. We went out with them twice, but I just didn't have any feelings towards him or anyone. Maybe someday, I told them, but I didn't know if I even believed it myself. My heart had been sliced apart, a small piece never returning to me. I couldn't fathom trying to give my whole self to someone until I'd learned to live with that missing piece.

As dumb as that was.

I had laid myself out vulnerable to someone that knew it, and I wasn't going to do that again.

A week after Thanksgiving, I was trudging through the seven inches of snow that had fallen overnight to get to the shop while fishing my ringing phone out of my pocket.

Carlisle.

With trepidation, I answered.

He'd heard through the grapevine that I was in Denver. He was in town and wanted to see me. Maybe he wanted to talk to me about my parents - who I hadn't really spoken to lately. Maybe he wanted to apologize. Maybe he wanted to lecture me.

Maybe it was the earth-shattering news I'd been dreading, even though I knew I'd be the last person on his list of people to call if that were the case. Besides, I would've heard about it from the media.

I gave him the address of the coffee shop and told him what time was good for me to take a break.

He smiled as he hugged me later that evening, and I was relieved he still thought of me as his niece and not some major disappointment. I got us some cappuccino and we took a table in the back.

We made small talk, about my job and apartment and blah blah. He'd moved to a new house in the Hollywood Hills and told me to visit anytime. He had a pool and never used it. We talked about everything except the violently explosive love den of a bus he'd encountered.

I was biting my tongue to ask about Edward. Ask about the aftermath or our discovered tryst, about him quitting and where was he now and were they even talking?

But I didn't.

After he took his last sip, he crossed his leg over the other and sighed.

"I didn't handle things correctly that night."

I looked at him, swallowed. "I don't think I did either."

He looked at me, with compassion in his eyes. "Edward is a complicated creature. There is good in him, but only when he wants you to see it. As you know, he can be very, very…" He looked up at the tin-tiled ceiling. "Difficult."

I snorted. "Understatement."

"The last thing I wanted was for you to get caught up in his mess. Because that is what he is, his life, everything about him is a mess."

I felt the need to defend him. "He was very sweet to me."

"Until he wasn't." Carlisle pointed out unhelpfully. I sunk back in my chair. "After you left the bus, he retreated to his room. I followed, yelled, he said nothing. I made a scene, I realize that, but you know I was only acting out of concern for you."

"I do."

"And I don't blame you for any of it." He waved his hand absentmindedly. "Edward knows what he did was wrong."

His words punched me in the gut. Wrong. You are nothing.

He continued. "We didn't speak for the rest of the tour unless it was business related, which was very difficult for me after all the years we'd been together." He gave a small, sad smile. "Not until he came to my hotel room in Seattle."

The last stop. The final show the world didn't realize was the last.

"Edward told me about his…" Carlisle swallowed hard. "His condition."

I looked at my hands, twisted together in my lap before my eyes met his. The same pain I felt when Edward told me was written on Carlisle's face. Sadness, torment, distress. "We'd been fighting for weeks about what I thought was a petulant, demanding Edward wanting to head out on his own, to forget the band, where he came from. It was a horrible, devastating conversation." He got lost, fiddling with the spoon on the saucer.

"I want you to know that I get it. I understand now why you stayed with him, what you dealt with, and I am sorry that I didn't know what he was going through. I'm his manager… was his manager, and the closest thing he had to a father, and I didn't see it. Chalked it up to Edward being Edward. I was blind and I can't forgive myself for that. But I hope you can forgive me for the way I treated you, and for not checking to see if you were okay sooner."

"I'm okay, and there is nothing to forgive. I get it, too." I paused, thinking about how the loss of Carlisle might've affected Edward, too. Wherever he was. "Do you know where he is?" My mouth turned dry as I waited.

"I do," he said hesitantly, but gave no more info. "I take it you haven't heard from him." He didn't say it like a question. He knew the answer.

I shook my head and swallowed. I looked at him, trying to determine if it was concern or pity in his eyes.

Carlisle broke my stare and looked around the shop. "You happy here? It's… unique."

Pushing my Edward feelings to the side, I shifted in my seat and admitted that I was. Happier than I ever thought I would be months ago.

"I hear Emmett's making quite the name for himself here."

Surprised, I nodded. "Yeah, he's really good. Has a good following going."

"And a good manager, I suppose?" He nodded at me knowingly.

"I hope so. How…"

"For as big as a business it is, it's also very small. Keep up reading the trades, keep your ear to the ground. Always know what your next move is going to be and what everyone else's is."

"Thanks for the advice."

"I'm always here to dispense it."

"He's actually playing tonight, if you want to see him play?"

"Will you be there?" He smiled and bumped my shoulder.

"I am his manager." I grinned. "Learned from the best."