I do not own JCA or any of the characters, although if the opportunity to glomp Jackie Chan arose, I'd be on it faster than, as my friend Lacey puts it, "Oprah on baked ham". As a fervant fan of the show and a slasher at heart, I must confess to falling palpably in love with the second-season episode "The New Atlantis". Besides the fact that the Valmont/Jackie interaction is astonishing and undeniably *cute*, Uncle's picking up Valmont's discarded Italian shoes on the way out of the aquarium and musing "hmmm, I can sell these" just tickled me. Also, we've seen how Uncle feels about technology, as per his attempts to hex his fax machine in one episode, which is why his attempt to surf the Internet is so riddled with potential humour value.
Plugged In
"Jackiiiiiieeeeee!" Uncle's voice sounded overhead, ending in its usual high-pitchedness; the Chinese archaeologist looked up from the dusty tome he had been trying to read and sighed. He loved his elder dearly, but trying to do research whilst catering to his persistent demands for tea and some magical artifact or another was as futile as attempting to explain to Uncle why he'd been re-scanning the same paragraph for the past ten minutes.
"What is it, Uncle?" Jackie asked, stepping into the back room; the other man sat hunched in a computer chair, peering suspiciously at the monitor he was at eye-level with. Tohru and Jackie had collaboratively decided that having a technological upgrade would facilitate organization in the antique shop, not only with the merchandise, but also as far as the Chan family's less-lucrative demon-hunting escapades went. Uncle, of course, had fought them tooth-and-nail on the decision; Jade had mostly stayed out of it, on account of already having her own laptop, and though Uncle could be very persuasive, two against one eventually won out. Begrudgingly, Uncle seemed to appreciate the accessability of information with merely the click of a mouse, though he would never admit it to anyone.
Today, however, he looked about ready to drop-kick the machine out of the nearest window. "Come closer, Jackie," Uncle rasped, eyes narrowed; Jackie complied, only to find himself thwapped lightly on the head by his relative's hand. It really only smarted, and after living with Uncle since he was ten, Jackie could easily predict it, but the activity seemed to be Uncle's favourite stress reliever; "ah, much better," he said, and then stared frustratedly at the monitor's screen, upon which had been loaded. "How do I do this?" he enunciated through clenched teeth.
"Well, what are you trying to sell?" Jackie replied patiently, his hand instinctively moving to rub the spot on his head where Uncle had swiped. Uncle pointed to the pair of Gucci brown leather dress shoes sitting next to him on the desk. "Valmont's shoes?" his nephew queried; "don't you think he might want them back?"
Uncle's brow furrowed. "Hmmmph! He left without them; finders keepers!" he replied stubbornly. "Besides, he made Uncle run around casting Chi spells left and right and didn't even say thank you; serves him right."
Jackie could see that there was no way to win in a battle of logistics with Uncle; pushing aside mental images of a Shendu-possessed Valmont stumbling home with nothing but torn and dampened argyle socks on his feet, the Chinese man nodded towards the screen. "Do you have a username created?" he asked, deciding it was best to let Uncle think he'd won.
"A what?" Uncle asked.
Jackie pointed at a section of the page labeled "my eBay" so Uncle could direct the mouse to it. "Ah, yes, I already made one," his elder affirmed. Jackie watched in carefully veiled amusement as the other man typed in "mungbean_sandwich" and added his password, which encoded itself in astericks. "Aiiiyahhh, why are you smiling like a cat who just ate a canary?" Uncle demanded.
Obviously, he hadn't quite mastered the "carefully veiled" part, yet; "nothing," Jackie said quickly. "Have you scanned a picture of the product? It's not necessary, but it'll help customers get a better idea for what you're selling," he added when Uncle raised an eyebrow at him.
"No," Uncle sniffed. "I am not smart enough to figure out how to use the machine. Everytime I push a button it makes strange noises; I think it's possessed by Dark Chi." He pointed to the copier/scanner/printer and shivered for dramatic effect, then held up the polaroid he'd snapped of the shoes.
"Oh, Uncle, no it's n-"
"You do it."
"Yes, Uncle." Jackie sighed.
"Valmont, what is that insipid contraption you're using?" Shendu sneered disdainfully; in the reflection of the screen, Shendu's dragon-y facade layered the crime lord's own chiseled features. Neither were particularly happy about this arrangement, especially not after Valmont had loaded up on good magic via the Pan-Ku box, rendering Shendu unconscious and then suppressing the demon lord's spirit with the help of Chan. Life in the same body had grown unbearable, so much so that Valmont delighted in the possibility of knocking Shendu out again just for the temporary peace of mind.
"It's called a computer, Shendu," he snapped, unwilling to deal with his internal roommate's particularly condescending brand of wit today.
"Indeed, but what are you doing wasting time in front of it?" Shendu responded in similar fashion; he either hadn't gotten the hint or was purposely being aggravating. Most likely, Valmont thought, it was the latter.
"I am trying to find a new pair of shoes," he growled, about at the end of his rope. It was bad enough Chan's uncle hadn't been able to exorcise Shendu from his body due to the interference of the demon's slippery sister, but the stupid dragon hadn't even let him scoop up his footwear before fleeing the scene. "Those were my favourite ones," Valmont spat bitterly.
"If you would just let me make those cosmetic changes, you wouldn't even need to wear shoes," Shendu hissed in reply; Valmont 'hmmph'-ed. "What's stopping you from just buying them at a local store?" he continued, obviously impatient.
"The probability of Bai Tsa making another attempt to put San Francisco underwater, for one thing," the crime lord replied. "Besides, I can't buy them just anywhere; the pair I lost, thanks to you," he enunciated, unable to resist getting another jab in, "was purchased when I was in Europe last. They're not easily acquired in Southern California."
"Try that auction site; e-something-or-other," Shendu suggested.
"Good idea, I'll probably find them for a lot le- wait," Valmont said. "How did you know about eBay? You said you'd never used a computer before."
"No, I didn't; I was merely humouring you, you fop," Shendu snorted, delighting in how Valmont's grip tightened on the mouse in frustration. The crime lord curiously checked the history cache on the computer from the previous week.
"Demonic Bondage? Furries Anonymous? Shackled Senshi? What the bloody hell have you been *doing* on here, Shendu?" Valmont gasped in horror.
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," the demon lord sniggered nastily. Shuddering, Valmont typed into the location bar and waited for the page to load. Putting "Gucci Italian shoes" into the search query brought up a number of potential selections; Valmont clicked on the one closest to the top of the page.
"How curious; this user lives in San Francisco as well," he murmured, mostly to himself. "What are the odds of th-" He stopped and stared at the username, a familiar sense of deja vu creeping over him.
"'Mungbean_sandwich'?" Shendu noted, obviously not making the connection.
Valmont had the sudden urge to kick something. "Imagine, having to re-buy my own bloody shoes," he ranted, clicking the "Buy It Now" button.
Shendu sniggered as the crime lord typed in his own username; "'tall_dark_hand'?" he scoffed. "Valmont, you really are a fop."
"Blow it out your arse," Valmont retorted; on a whim, he tried a new set of keywords: "'Jackie Chan' apparently has his own fan club," the British man observed in amusement, scrolling down the first of multiple pages of Chan-related paraphinalia. Wary of inciting Shendu's irritating teasing, he dropped his voice to a whisper, then clicked on a link advertising a large poster of Chan working-out. "Why, hello there," Valmont giggled, then frowned when he saw how many bidders had already jacked up the price. "No matter," he muttered, nearly doubling the previous bid with a couple of well-placed clicks. "Put that in your pipe and smoke it," he grinned with satisfaction.
Elsewhere in the world, a petite woman lounged stylishly in front of a laptop, calmly sipping a cappuchino. "Somebody else is after Baby Face's mug shot?" Viper queried to herself, raising a well-manicured eyebrow. "Well, if it's a fight you want," she grinned challengingly to her online opponent; "let's see how much you want the poster when I triple the price."