JENNIE
I'm not sure how I feel today. I'm not exactly happy, but not miserable either. I'm confused as hell, and I miss Lisa already. Pathetic, I know. I can't help it. I'd been away from her so long and almost had her out of my system, but one kiss and she's coursing through my veins again, overwhelming every last bit of sense I had left.
Jisoo and I wait for the crosswalk light to change, and I realize I'm really glad I wore a sweatshirt today, because the cold weather is just not letting up.
"Well, looks like it's time to make those calls to NYU," she says and pulls out a list of names.
"Whoa! NYU," I say. "You would do great there. That's incredible." "Thank you. I'm a little nervous that I won't be accepted for the summer semester and I don't want to take the summer off."
"Are you insane? Of course they'll accept you, for any semester! You've got a perfect GPA." I laugh. "And you've got a chancellor for a stepfather."
"I should have you call them for me," she jokes.
We go our separate ways and arrange to meet in the parking lot at the end of the day.
My stomach is in knots as I approach the large environmental studies building and pull open the heavy double doors. Rosé is sitting on a concrete bench in front of one of the trees in the lobby. When her eyes find me, a smile instantly takes over her face and she stands to greet me. She's dressed in a white long-sleeved shirt and jeans, the material of her shirt so thin that I can see the swirls of ink below the fabric.
"Hey." She smiles.
"Hey."
"I ordered a pizza, it should be here any minute," she tells me, and we sit back down on the bench and talk about our day so far.
After the pizza is delivered, Rosé leads me back to a room full of plants that appears to be a greenhouse. Rows and rows of different types of flowers that I've never seen before fill the small space. Rosé walks over to one of the small tables and takes a seat.
"That smells so good," I tell her while I sit across from her. "What, the flowers?"
"No, the pizza. Well, the flowers are okay, too." I laugh.
I'm starving, I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast this morning and I've been up since Lisa barged into Rosé's apartment to get me.
She takes a slice of pizza and places it on a napkin for me. Then she grabs her own and folds it in half, the way my father used to do. Before taking a massive bite, she asks, "How did everything go last night . . . well, this morning, I guess."
I begin to feel uneasy watching her, and the smell of the flowers reminds me of the hours I used to spend in the greenhouse behind my childhood home, escaping from my drunk father screaming at my mother.
I look away from her and finish chewing before answering her. "It was a disaster at first, as always."
"At first?" She tilts her head and licks her lips.
"Yeah, we fought like we always do, but it's sort of better now." I'm not going to tell Rosé about Lisa breaking down and falling onto her knees in front of me; it's too personal and only for Lisa and me to know.
"What do you mean?" "She apologized."
She gives me a look I don't like much. "And you fell for it?"
"No, I told her I wasn't ready for anything yet. I just told her I'd think about it." I shrug.
"You aren't really going to, are you?" Disappointment is clear in her voice.
"Yeah, I'm not going to dive right back into anything, and it's not like I'm moving back into that apartment."
Rosé puts her slice down on her napkin. "You shouldn't even be giving her a minute of your time, Jennie. What more does she have to do to you to make you stay away from her?" She stares at me as if I owe her an answer. "It's not like that. It's not that simple to just cut her out of my life. I said I'm not dating her or anything, but we've been through a lot together and she's been having a really hard time without me."
Rosé rolls her eyes. "Oh, drinking and getting high with Hanbin is her version of having a hard time, then?" she tells me, and my stomach drops.
"She hasn't been hanging out with Hanbin. She was in Thailand." She really was in Thailand, wasn't she?
"She was just at Hanbin's place last night, just before she showed up at my place."
"She was?" Of all people, I never thought Lisa would hang out with Hanbin again.
"It seems a little shady that she would hang out with someone who had such a big part in everything when she seems to hate me being near you."
"Yeah . . . but you were in on it, too," I remind her.
"Not in telling you; I had nothing to do with when they embarrassed you in front of everyone. Hanbin and Nancy set the whole thing up—and Lisa knows that, that's why she beat Hanbin's ass. And you know, I wanted to tell you the whole time; it was always more than a bet for me, Jennie. But to her it wasn't. She proved that when she showed us the sheets."
My appetite is lost and I feel nauseous. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Rosé nods and puts up a gentle hand. "You're right. I'm sorry for bringing all of that up. I just wish you would give me half the chances you give her. I'd never do things like hang out with Hanbin if I were in Lisa's position, and on top of that, Hanbin always has random girls over there—"
"Okay," I interrupt her. I can't listen to any more about Hanbin and girls at his apartment.
"Let's talk about something else. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings just now. I really am. I just don't understand. You're too good for her, and you've given her so many chances. But I won't bring it up again unless you want to talk about it." She reaches across the table and puts her hand on top of mine.
"It's okay," I say. But I can't believe Lisa would be hanging out with Hanbin after we got into that fight in the driveway. That's the last place I thought she would be.
Rosé stands up and walks over to the door. "Come on, let me show you something." I stand and follow her. "Wait there," she says when I reach the middle of the room.
The light shuts off and I'm expecting pitch black. Instead my eyes are greeted with neon green, pink, orange, and red. Each row of flowers glows with a different color, some of them brighter than others.
"Whoa . . ." I half whisper. "Neat, isn't it?" She asks.
"Yes, very." I walk down the row slowly, taking in the sight.
"We basically engineered them, then altered the seeds to glow like this." Suddenly she's behind me. "Watch this." Her hand moves to my arm and she guides my hand to touch a petal of a glowing pink flower. This flower isn't glowing as bright as the rest—that is, until my fingertip touches it and it comes to life. I jerk my hand back in surprise and hear her chuckle behind me.
"How is that even possible?" I ask in amazement.
I love flowers, especially lilies, and these man-made blooms look similar to them—they're officially my new favorite.
"Anything's possible when science is involved," she says, her face lit up by the flowers and her smile bright.
"How nerdy of you," I tease, and she laughs.
"You aren't in any position to call me nerdy," she teases back, and I laugh. "True." I touch the flower again and watch it glow once more. "This is incredible."
"I thought you'd like it. We're working on doing the same with a tree; the problem is that trees take much longer to grow than flowers. But trees live much longer; flowers are too fragile. If you neglect them, they wilt and die." Her tone is soft, and I can't help but compare myself to the flower, and get the feeling she's doing the same.
"If only trees were as pretty as flowers," I remark.
She moves to stand in front of me. "They could be, if someone made them that way. Just the way we took ordinary flowers and turned them into this, the same could be done with a tree. If it was given the right type of attention and care, it could glow like these flowers, but be much stronger." I stay silent as she brings her thumb to my cheek. "You deserve that type of attention. You deserve to be with someone who makes you glow, not who burns out your light."
Then Rosé leans in to kiss me.
I take a step back and smack into a row of flowers; thankfully none fall as I steady myself. "I'm sorry, I can't."
"You can't what?" She raises her voice slightly. "Let me be the one to show you how happy you could be?"
"No . . . I can't kiss you, not right now. I can't go back and forth between the two of you. I was in your bed last night, then I kissed Lisa this morning, and now . . ."
"You kissed her?" She gapes, and I'm grateful for the room being dark except for the glow from the flowers.
"Well, she kissed me, but I let her before I pulled away," I explain. "I'm confused, and until I know what I'm going to do, I can't go around kissing everyone. It's not right."
She doesn't say anything.
"I'm sorry if I'm leading you on or making you think—" "It's fine," Rosé says.
"No, it's not. I shouldn't have brought you into the middle of this until I could think straight."
"It's not your fault. I'm the one who keeps coming around. I don't mind being led on, as long as you'll have me around. I know we could be good together, and I have all the time in the world to wait for you to see it, too," she says and walks over to turn the light on.
How can she always be so understanding?
"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me, you know?" I tell her and sling my bag over my shoulder.
"I would never hate you," she says, and I smile. "Thank you for showing me this—it's incredible."
"Thanks for coming. Let me at least walk you to class, though?" she offers with a smile.
BY THE TIME I get to the locker room to change and grab my mat, I arrive at yoga class only five minutes early. A tall brunette has taken my spot in the front, and I'm forced to sit in the back row closest to the door. I had planned on telling Rosé that I'd never be able to feel the same way about her that I do about Lisa, that I was sorry for kissing her, and that we could only be friends, but she just kept saying all the right things. When she told me about Lisa being at Hanbin's last night, it totally caught me off guard.
I always think I know what to do until Rosé starts talking. The smoothness of her voice and the kindness behind her eyes always flusters me and messes with my thoughts.
I need to call Lisa when I get back to Jisoo's and tell her about my lunch with Rosé, and ask her why she was at Hanbin's . . . I wonder what Lisa's doing now? Did she go to classes at all today?
Yoga class was exactly what I needed to clear my head. When the class is dismissed, I feel much better. I roll up my mat and head out of the room, then suddenly hear "Jennie!" as I reach the locker room.
When I turn around, Lisa jogs up to meet me and runs her hands over her hair. "I, um . . . I wanted to talk to you about something . . ."
She sounds off, like she's . . . nervous?
"Right now? I don't think this is the place . . ." I don't want to hash out all of our problems in the middle of the athletic building.
"No . . . it's not that." Her voice is high-pitched. She's nervous; this can't be good. She's never nervous.
"I was wondering . . . I don't know . . . Never mind." She flushes and turns around to walk away. I sigh and turn to go inside to change.
"Would you go out with me!" she yells . . . practically screams, really. I can't hide my surprise as I turn around. "What?"
"Like a date . . . you know, like, I could take you on a date? Only if you want to, of course, but it could be fun, maybe? I'm not sure, really, but I would . . ." She trails off, and I decide to end her humiliation as her cheeks flush a deep crimson.
"Sure," I answer, and she looks down at me. "Really?" Her lips turn to a smile. A nervous smile.
"Yeah." I don't know how this will go, but she's never asked me on a date before. The closest thing to a date was when she took me to the stream and then to eat afterward. But that was all a lie and it wasn't an actual date. It was Lisa's way of getting into my pants.
"Okay . . . When do you want to? I mean, we could go right now? Or tomorrow or later in the week?"
I don't remember ever seeing her this nervous before; it's adorable, and I try not to laugh. "Tomorrow?" I suggest.
"Yeah, tomorrow's good." She smiles and captures her bottom lip between her teeth. The air between us is awkward, but in a good way.
"Okay . . ."
I find myself feeling flustered, like I used to get the first few times I was around her.
"Okay," she repeats.
She turns on her heel and walks away quickly, nearly tripping over a rolled-up wrestling mat. As I walk into the locker room, I burst into laughter.