JENNIE
"Do you have plans for the rest of the night?" Lisa asks as she pulls into her father's driveway.
"No, just studying and going to sleep. Wild night." I smile at her.
"I miss sleep." She frowns, running her index finger along the ridges on the steering wheel.
"You haven't been sleeping?" Of course she hasn't. "Are you . . . have you been . . ." I begin.
"Yeah, every single night," she tells me, and my heart aches.
"I'm sorry." I hate this. I hate those nightmares for haunting her. I hate that I'm the only elixir, the only thing to make them stay away.
"It's fine. I'm fine," she says, but the dark circles under her eyes beg to differ.
Inviting her up would be a terribly stupid idea. I'm supposed to be thinking about what to do with my life from this point forward, not spending the night with Lisa. It's so awkward that she's dropping me off at her father's house; this is exactly why I need to get my own place.
"You could come up? Just to get some sleep. It's still early," I offer, and her head snaps up.
"You'd be okay with that?" she asks, and I nod before I let my thoughts invade.
"Sure . . . only to sleep, though," I remind her with a smile, and she nods.
"I know, Jen."
"I didn't mean it like that . . ." I try to explain. "I got it," she huffs.
Okay . . .
There is a distance between us that's both uncomfortable and necessary at the same time. I want to just reach over and push the lone strand of hair that's fallen onto her forehead, but that would be too much. I need this distance, just like I need Lisa. It's very confusing, and I know inviting her up won't be helpful to clearing up that confusion, but I just really want her to be able to sleep.
I give her a small smile, and she stares at me for a second before shaking her head. "You know, I better not. I've got some work to do and—" she begins.
"It's fine. Really," I interrupt and open the car door to escape my embarrassment.
I shouldn't have done that. I'm supposed to be distancing myself and here I am being rejected . . . again.
When I reach the door I remember I forgot my dress and heels in Lisa's car, but she's already backing out of the driveway by the time I turn around.
AS I WIPE THE MAKEUP from my face that night and get ready for bed, my mind replays our date over and over. Lisa was so . . . nice. Lisa was nice. She was dressed up and she didn't get into a fight, she didn't even curse anyone out. This is major progress. I begin to giggle like an idiot as I remember her falling on the ice; she was so irritated, but it was so funny to watch her fall. She's so tall and lanky and her legs kept wobbling in the skates. It was definitely one of the funniest things that I've ever seen.
I'm not sure how I feel about Lisa's piercings being removed, but she told me over and over that she wanted to keep them out, so it's not up to me. I wonder what her friends will say about it.
My mood shifted slightly when she told me about her birthday party. I don't know what I assumed she would be doing for her birthday, but partying wasn't it. I'm an idiot, though, because this is his twenty-first birthday, after all.
I want to spend it with her more than anything, but something bad happens every single time I go to that damn frat house, and I don't want to continue the cycle, especially when we're in such a fragile state as it is.
The last thing I need is to drink and make things worse. I'd like to get Lisa something for her birthday, though. I'm terrible at gifts, but I'll think of something. I stop by Jisoo's room but she doesn't answer when I knock; when I open the door she's asleep and I decide to go to bed myself.
I open the bedroom door and nearly jump out of my skin when I'm confronted with a figure sitting on the bed. I drop my toiletry bag on the dresser . . . then realize it's Lisa and I calm down. As I watch, she awkwardly crosses her ankles in front of her.
"I . . . I, um, I'm sorry for being a dick down there, I wanted to stay." Lisa runs her fingers through her unruly hair.
"I asked you, too," I remind her and cross over to the bed.
She sighs. "I know and I'm sorry. Can I please stay? I had such a good time tonight just being around you, and I'm so tired . . ."
I contemplate this for a few moments. I wanted her to stay. I miss the comfort of having her in my bed, but she was just saying that she had things to do.
"What about your work?" I raise a brow. "It can wait," she says, looking distressed.
I sit next to her on the bed and grab the pillow, covering my lap with it. "Thank you," Lisa says, and I scoot closer. She's still a magnet to me; I can't seem to stay even feet away from her.
I look over at her, and she smiles, then quickly looks down at the floor. My body has a mind of its own, and I lean into her, wrapping my hand around her. Her hands are cold, her breathing heavy.
I've missed you, I want to say. I want to be close to you, I want to confess.
She squeezes my hand gently and I rest my head on her shoulder. One of her arms wraps around my back, holding me close.
"I had a really nice time tonight," I tell her. "Me too, baby. Me too."
Being called "baby" makes me want to be even closer to her. I look up at herr to find her eyes resting on my mouth. Instinctively, my head tilts up, bringing my mouth closer to her. When I close the space between us and press my lips to her, she leans back on her elbows and I climb onto her lap. I feel one hand resting on my lower back, pushing my body further onto her.
"I missed you," she says, then sweeps her tongue over mine. I miss the cold of the metal ring, but my body is heated by my need for her, making everything else irrelevant.
"I missed you, too." I wrap my fingers into her hair and kiss her harder. My other hand snakes down to touch the hard muscles under her shirt, but she stops me, leaning up with me still on her lap.
She smiles, not without chagrin. "I think we should keep it PG." Her cheeks are flushed and her breath heavy against my face.
I want to protest, to tell her that I need her touch, but I know she's right.
Sighing, I climb off of her lap and lie down on the far side of the bed. "I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't mean . . ." she trails off.
"No, you're right. Really, it's okay. Let's get some sleep." I smile, my body still reeling from the contact.
She lies across from me, keeping to her side of the bed with a pillow shoved between us, reminding me of our earlier days. She falls asleep fast, her peaceful snores filling the air, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, Lisa is gone. Instead, a note on her pillow has taken her place.
Thank you again, had to get some work done, it says.
THE NEXT MORNING I text Lisa as soon as I wake up to wish her a happy birthday and get dressed while I wait for a reply. I wish she would have stayed, but, in the light of day, I'm a little relieved to not have to deal with the awkward morning-after-a-first-date thing.
With a sigh I put my phone into my bag and head downstairs to meet Jisoo, to tell her I'm going to miss half the day today in order to get Lisa a birthday present.