Farplane Fun.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X. If I did, I would be rich and would not have to worry about people suing me for plagiarism. Unfortunately I am not rich; I am just one in a million of obsessive fans that wanted to rewrite FFX to my liking but could not since I don't own it. I hope I have you convinced.
(This was a story that I originally wrote for my best friend Hash, when I went on holiday and we were separated for two long weeks. HI HASH!! *Waves and screams dramatically* AYA!! Anyway, she suggested that I post it on fanfiction. net so I did. I never refuse to do anything that she tells me because she owns me. This is just a silly little spoof about what could possibly happen if all the characters who 'died' at the end of FFX went to the Farplane together. Not that they would behave this way because this is a humor fic and the characters in it are totally OOC. Note that my friend is Seymour obsessed and thus it centers mostly on him. It had neat little pictures that went along with it but unfortunately I cannot add those on... Well I hope you enjoy it!)
(Note: This is not meant to be well written.)
It was a boring day in the Farplane. Jecht and Tidus were playing Triple Triad, (A game introduced by those weird FFVIII characters when they died) Braska was crying over his album of Yuna's baby photos, Auron was getting smashed at the 'Fargone Farplane Bar' (Still managing to be cool and hot and enigmatic whilst doing it) and Seymour was sitting on a rock; a rock that had every justifiable reason to be floating around in the Farplane, painting his nails whilst his big and very ugly mother scolded him.
" – and another thing young man; I did not become a big, bad, ugly monster with a name that resembles that butt flushing procedure just so you could go around killing people at your fancy!!" Anima bellowed, crossing it's chained arms with much difficulty. "You were supposed to beat Sin!! YOU STUPID, BLUE HAIRED TREE BOY WITH A STOLEN HAIRSTYLE FROM ONE OF THE AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, RAH RAH RAH RAH POINTLESS RAMBLING... EXTREME DISAPOINTMENT BLAH BLAH BLAH DIDN'T RAISE YOU THIS WAY~ BLIDDY BLOO BLOO, CRAP CRAP CRAP BLAH BLAH BLAH~ ETC."
(Hey just on a note; Did anyone else notice that the Gaudo look as though they're half tree? I think Hash and I are the only ones who did! How did they manage to do that I wonder? ... On second thoughts, I don't wanna know...)
Seymour nodded cheerfully as he painted his nails and gazed off into the mass of over pretty CG stuff that made up the Farplane. 'Thank Yevon that when you died you had the option of turning off your hearing at will!' He thought smiling to himself. Otherwise he would never get a moments peace!
Tidus looked over from trying to figure out his next move on the Triad board and frowned at the amusing spectacle before him; an enraged Anima yelling both its heads off at a seemingly cheery Gaudo. The blonde blitzer sniffed indignantly.
"Hey Old man. How come Seymour is at the Farplane when he like, killed his father and stuff and should be in Hell," He asked. Jecht looked confused.
"Well as far as I know son, there is no Hell in Spira." He said matter-o-factly. "It seems that all dogs go to heaven here."
Tidus frowned. "We're not dogs. This isn't a cartoon you know Dad."
Jecht threw his arms up, sending his hand of cards raining down upon their heads. "It was just an expression kid! Geez, why did Auron let you dye your hair blonde? I'd kill 'im if he wasn't already dead!" He shook a fist in the incredibly hot Legendary Guardian's direction. Auron, so smashed that he couldn't see straight, waved back obliviously. Jecht snarled and Tidus looked at him with a strange wide-eyed expression.
"Don't cry." He said.
Jecht threw himself to the ground and started beating it with his fists.
"Fathering... insufficient. Stupidity... overload. Blondness... overkill. Fist's.... hurting... Humiliation... overwhelming.... Tears... flowing.... Brain... exploding.... WHERE DID I GO WRONG?????!!!!!??" o__0 He screamed before he broke down in complete anime tears. Tidus continued to stare off into nowhere, scratching his regrowth and trying to remember just what it was he had been thinking about.
"Hmm..." He said wisely.
Meanwhile, Chappu had made his way over to the 'Fargone Farplane Bar' and was busy trying to chat up Yunalesca. Lord Zaon turned up at that point, all decked out in his trendy Yaoi armor and the young Blitzball player decided that his attention was best diverted to something else at that point.
"Bartender! Fill me up!" He bellowed, tapping his glass on the bench. The young, blonde, well-endowed attendant was too busy flirting with Auron to pay attention to anything else. Chappu was getting ready to reach over the bench to fill the glass up himself when Luzzu came running in.
"C'mon everyone!" He yelled as he attempted to keep his two halves together. They just don't make super glue like they used to. "Visiting hours have started!!"
And just like that, Auron was sober, Jecht was dried and Seymour was free of his mother. Tidus was still stupid but there really wasn't a great deal that they could do about that.
Everyone rushed, well if you wont to get literal floated, to the waiting room and sat around staring at the people scattered across the Farplane Viewing Rock. Yuna was there in her brand new FFX-2 butt cheek revealing costume. Tidus was immediately much happier. Lulu was also there, with Wakka, Kimahri Rikku, Gatta, Cid, Brother, Shelinda (Because I know how much everyone loves Shelinda.) and lots to other people, mostly Auron fangirls/boys. Seymour jumped around in his seat, with all the patience of a hyperactive child.
"Come on already! Let's get this show on the road!" He squealed. Tidus glared and took a swing at him.
"Sit down you stupid, girly, gay haired, pedophilic, pointy tree freak!" He yelled in his scary Stuart Little voice of doom. Seymour flared up and exposed the bitch claws on his right hand.
"Sit down yourself helium boy!" He challenged, sounding oh so evil and pervy (?) Tidus glowered.
"How DARE you call me helium boy!" He snapped.
"How DARE you call me a stupid, girly, gay haired, pedophilic, pointy tree freak!" Seymour shrieked back.
Seeing that this was going to get ugly, Auron decided to add some over the hill testosterone to the scene and stepped in, putting his toned arms between the dueling pair. He looked at the bishounen's each in turn, giving them both a face full of manliness that only Vin Diesel had some hope of aspiring to. (P.S. I would like to add at this point that I am not an Auron or a Vin Diesel fan. I think that they are both very ugly bastards who must rot in Hell. Yes, I do. If I have in any way mislead anyone into thinking otherwise then I apologize. I am actually a Wakka and Shelinda fan. Yes I am. *Author nods firmly* Yes. I am also clinically insane and chewing on chocolate flavored Prozac. It's the breakfast of champions.)
"Now, now you two that's enough of that." Auron scolded in his deep sexy voice. "You boys don't know the heads and tails of fighting." Turning slightly, he raised a fist and punched Chappu across the room. "That's how it's done." He said as Chappu glared and rubbed his bruised jaw.
Tidus and Seymour clapped respectively.
"One question though," Tidus asked raising a finger. No not that finger. "Why is it that you punched Chappu instead of punching someone who deserved it, like um... let me think... Seymour?"
"Or Yunalesca." Seymour added quickly, drawing attention away from his spiky blue head. "After all, she did kill you."
"It's because the author's an Aulu fan and hates anyone who ever dated or could potentially date Lulu." Braska answered his first line in the story being an important one. Everyone nodded in response.
"All right everyone, get out there!" The receptionist yelled. This prompted and immediate wave of dead, sent people to cascade out into the floaty Farplane stuff. Auron went over to commune with his fanclub, Chappu went over to talk to Lulu and Wakka, Tidus went over to Yuna with Braska and his wife, Luzzu floated over to Gatta and Yunalesca crept over to torment Shelinda. Seymour looked around for someone to talk to but GASP! Lo and behold, there was no one left! Tears brimmed in his big pretty eyes as he looked around the all but empty Farplane Block.
"Why doesn't anyone want to see ME?!" He yelled getting that, 'I'd-cry-if-I-didn't-have-to-keep this-constant-expression-of-heartless-apathy-facade-up' expression on his face.
Jecht sighed and went to pat him on the back and then remembered that he was "Jecht: AKA: The guy who does not give a rat's ass about people especially when they're crying." So he just turned around and buggered off with Tidus's mum, who know one knows the name of, just like him.
Seymour continued to fume with an eerie expression on his face. It was akin to how one might look if they had a very uncomfortable wedgie and you just know how many people in FFX wore thongs.
"WHY OLD MAN, WHY???!!!" He screamed at an uncaring, unheeding assembly. You see, Seymour, like Tidus, obviously has problems with his father. When no one answered his question he got even angrier. "Fine then! If I can't have fans, the NO ONE CAN! Feel my pain! Come ANIIME!!" (No sick jokes people.) He gave a powerful flicky summoning finger movement as the dramatic wind from nowhere swirled around him, blowing his robes and pointy hair askew. You could just feel the power radiating from his Gaudo body, the malice boiling up from deep within his cold black non-beating heart!
....
....
There was a long pregnant silence, where absolutely nothing happened. Well, that's not entirely true. Auron's fangirls screamed a little louder, but in regards to Seymour's summoning of Anima, absolutely jack shit happened. The Gaudo looked about in astonishment, only to find his mother bantering away happily with Lord Jyscil in the corner.
"MOTHER!" Seymour cried; sounding only about as posh and English as a guy with a fake posh English voice actor could sound. Anima looked around in annoyance, both heads focusing intently on her half-breed son who was glaring up at her with his hands on his hips.
"What is it dear?" She simpered in that 'I'm asking 'cause I gots-ta but if you smart-ass me boy I will royally stick a cap in your pointy tree ask' kind of way. Seymour did not get the hint.
"Mother, I summon you to kill every one of those annoying fans that are not here to see me, now." He commanded, oh so authoritative like. Anima's single top eye grew wide and she swelled up to her impressive 180 billion-foot tall stance. (Slight exaggeration.)
"What have I told you about using me for your genocidal killing spree's Seymour? Crap, crap, crap – your father never used to act this way – blah, blah, blah – never appreciated me – bliddity, blee, blee – should have become an eidolon for someone else if I had know how you were going to treat me now – blah, blah, blah -..."
"Oh God..." Seymour moaned, sinking to the non-existent floor. This could take a while...
Meanwhile...
"Kill me Auron!!"
"No, no, NO! Kiss me Auron!!"
"Marry meee~eeh Auron-San!!!"
"Show us your arm Auron!!"
"Show us your (Explicit) Auron!!"
"WE LOVE YOU AURON!!"
Auron gloated about on his stretch of the Farplane that was currently in danger of being flooded by the large amounts of saliva being produced by his ravenous fangirls. There were a couple a hundred guys there too but lets not go into that because it might lead people into thinking that Auron is gay. And Auron is not gay even though he was 'Lord Braska's Personal Guardian' 10 years ago and he so obviously enjoyed hanging around two older men on his pilgrimage. But he is not gay, so I am not going to start spreading around rumors that he is because I'm nice.
"Thankyou." Auron snarled at the author. Oh don't thank me just yet Sir Auron...
"WHOO HOO!! IT'S AURON-SAN!!" Screamed an incredibly loud and annoying voice from the back of the assembly. Everyone turned to see a scruffy haired person (Otherwise known as the author) jumping around waving pompom's whilst chanting, "Auron, Auron he's our man ~..."
"You've got to be kidding me..." Auron moaned, taking a few steps backward. He didn't retreat nearly soon enough and was immediately grappled in a loving embrace from the blonde bimbo. They both fell screaming; she in delight, he in rage, down off the Farplane rock to the over pretty landscape a thousand feet below. Around the world, a billion Auron fans cried out in sorrow and there was darkness throughout the land of Spira.
"Hmph." Seymour sulked, crossing his arms as his mother continued to ramble on aimlessly in the background. "At least you have fans, you cranky old coot."
Meanwhile on the other side of the Farplane, Wakka and Chappu were engaged in an intelligent conversation.
"Ya, ya, ya, ya brudda, blitzball, blah, blah, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, hair, hair brudda, brudda, brudda, Lulu, ya, ya, ya blitzball, ya, ya, ya..." Chappu chatted intelligently.
What? Well this is intelligent for them. Pardon my Italics.
"True, true brudda, ya, ya, blitzball, hair ya, ya, ya." Wakka replied happily. "Listen brudda; I brought you your weekly edition of 'Blitz Babes undressed.'" He handed over an extremely thick porno magazine to his deceased 'brudda.' "And something else, ya? A photo album full of naked pictures of Lulu." He added in a hushed voice. For some reason, even though the black mage in question was over crying with the Auron fans, Lulu managed to hear the above sentence and bustle on over.
"Wow brudda! How'd you manage that?" Chappu asked in admiration.
Wakka stood tall and puffed out his chest, no longer bothering to keep his voice down.
"Easy, ya? I just rigged up a camera in the shower, ya dig?"
"What!!??" Lulu thundered as her stuffed moogle appeared in the crook of her arm. Wakka go the, 'I think I'd better put some distance between my ass and the homicidal black mage' look on his face.
"Uh... Live and let live!" He yelled over his shoulder as he ran away.
Lulu hit him with many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many plural Thundaga.
" ~ Owie ~..." Remarked the shriveled husk once known as Wakka.
Seymour looked up for the second time that afternoon.
"At least you're getting attention!" He sobbed at the Blitzball players charred remains. As he prepared to sink back into the already soggy crook of his arm a loud female voice dragged him out of his angst.
"Hey good lookin'! Might you be Seymour?"
This got his attention. Seymour looked up into the eyes of a beautiful, wonderful, charismatic, sweet, intelligent, talented, cool looking female fan. And once NaPap had moved away to continue pursuing Auron- (__^) – the source of the voice actually stepped forward. Seymour had never seen a more splendid sight and that was only taking into consideration the large signs the girl was carrying with his picture on them. The young maester got to his feet, allowing his long robes to sweep around him sexually in the melodramatic wind. The girl's eyes turned into little throbbing love hearts as she gazed at the beautiful man in wonderment.
"Why yes... I am." Said Seymour, studying his picture on a sign the girl held reading; "Seymour and Aragorn are my GOD'S." "Might you be a fan?" He added, just a tad too hopefully. The girl didn't seem to notice.
"My name is Hash and I think you're sexual." Said the fan girl proudly. "I also think that Auron and Tidus are sexual but they're busy and you're all alone over here apart from Anima who is just blathering on about God knows what, so I thought I'd come over and take advantage of you in your weakened state!"
Once more, Seymour's eyes filled with tears, but this time they were tears of happiness.
"I can't believe it..." He sobbed dabbing at the corner of his eyes with a checkered handkerchief. "I have a fan! An actual fan!!" He threw himself to the ground at Hash's gothic booted feet. "I am in your debt! Ask of me what you will!"
"Ooh, may I rape you?" Hash asked eagerly.
"You can rape my as many times as you like!" Seymour replied.
Hash jumped up and down, clapping her hands in childish glee. You know that must have turned Seymour on. "Goodie!!"
So in the end...
Seymour got a fan and Auron got raped. Wakka got barbecued by Lulu, Anima had an aneurysm and Chappu got his porn. Tidus was still stupid but hey... there really wasn't a great deal they could do about that...
And thus ends the greatest love story ever written. A love between NaPap and Auron...
....
Okay, maybe that was non-consensual love. I'll level with you. It was a love between Seymour and himself with Hash stuck somewhere in between their bloated pointy heads. A love... that will last forever...
.....
Well... at least until Hash gets too old for Seymour.
The End.
Well what did ya think? Pretty silly huh? Like I said before it wasn't really meant to be good but what the Hell it's one fic to go in the FFX section so it's better then nothing! All reviews are welcome, even those nasty flame things! I'm thinking about posting my serious Aulu fanfic but I want to finish my Fruits Basket one before I get into anything too heavy handed. Like you all wanted me to share that with you... Well anyway, review I say!