By Yume
Yu Yu Hakusho, HxK shounen-ai
Chapter 9
Nothing But Pain?
No words came to Kurama. The happy dream had been so short…now it seemed to be ending before it could begin. He stammered helplessly for a moment and stood, trying to find some explanation in Hiei's eyes, but they were cast to the ground and Kurama could only manage a bewildered whisper.
"…H…Hiei…"
This hurts too much…but…
"You have no reason to care about me. You don't and you shouldn't. Don't you get it, youko?"
"Hiei…"
"I'm the mistake of the Koorime…"
"You're not
a mis-"
"The Forbidden one…"
"Please, Hiei, stop…"
"I don't need you to care about me…"
"Stop…"
"And I don't care about---"
"HIEI!" Hiei blinked and turned in an attempt to pull his shoulders from Kurama's sudden tight grip, but to no avail. He glared defiantly at Kurama, whose eyes shimmered with…what was that…sadness? Betrayal? Shaking hands held the snarling youkai in place and Kurama leaned down till they were eye to eye.
"Hiei…" His lip curled in sudden derision and he eyed Hiei coldly in a manner more befitting the youko he had once been than the human guise he now wore.
"You're such a coward sometimes."
Hiei scowled, small fangs bared fiercely, but he couldn't manage a response. Kurama continued, the tremble in his voice at odds with his icy words.
"Why are you so afraid of caring? And being cared for, for that matter? Why's that so scary to you, hm? Why?" Hiei's eyes were wide as he wrenched his shoulders from Kurama's grasp, but he said nothing. Slowly Kurama stood up, taking a step back. "So…that's it, isn't it? You're so stuck in the past you won't let yourself live in the present. You could care if you wanted to, but you don't. Is it easier that way, Hiei? Pretending you don't have emotions?"
No, no, no…there's nothing easy about this…Hiei shut his eyes tightly, but he could still see Kurama standing there, his expression pleading, begging with his eyes to be corrected. He forced the words to come, spilling out shakily in a weak mockery of his usual cold tone.
"I have no use for emotions. People who open themselves up to be hurt by offering care like that…they're fools." Kurama nodded slowly and sat back down on the edge of his bed.
"…besides…" Hiei's words were quiet and deliberate, and the voice in which the youkai spoke them stung of painful honesty. "Caring about someone will only cause you pain."
Of course he'd say that…the redhead frowned, looking sadly up at Hiei, wordlessly prompting him to continue. He didn't, though, and Kurama sighed
"I know it can hurt…" Hiei shot him a quick glance, his eyes narrowed in angered disbelief. "I know that. But there's more to it---"
"Like what?" Hiei snarled, the towel slipping from his shoulders to land in a damp heap on the wooden floor. "You think I've never cared for anyone? I know what it's like. Watching that person. Hurting every time they're hurt. Trying to protect them and blaming their problems on yourself…" Kurama's eyes widened, what was Hiei saying? He cared? His gaze turned, searching Hiei's face, and the youkai found his cheeks warming under the stare as he quickly stammered an explanation.
"…my sister…"
Oh…right. Of course he cares about her…I'm getting too arrogant. Again Kurama nodded, praying the disappointment in his eyes didn't show.
"There's nothing but pain for you? What about when she's happy? I've seen you smile when you watch her playing with her birds…it's practically the only time you ever look happy. Am I right?"
Hn…he really thinks I'm just talking about my sister…Like I've ever had to watch Yukina nearly kill herself in battle…Satisfied with the apparent success of his deception but unsettled by Kurama's ever-perceptive response, Hiei merely shrugged and looked out the rain-streaked window, watching the branches of his favorite tree lash about in the wind.
"Hiei…" The youkai turned at the sound of his name and Kurama stood from the bed. "My caring…how has that ever hurt you?" Finally, a question he knew the answer to. His eyes passed over the room, refusing to meet Kurama's for fear of being captured by their sincerity.
"I already told you. To care about someone is to subject yourself to unnecessary pain. There's no reason for you to put yourself through that. Especially on my account." It took a moment for Hiei's words to sink in, and as Kurama realized what had been said he chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head. The laugh brought Hiei's glare.
"What's so damn funny about that?"
Kurama's smile faded slightly and he sighed.
"You don't want me in pain…"
Hiei blinked, quickly realizing the error in his words, but had no answer other than the one that first came to mind.
"Why would I?" At this Kurama actually smirked but quickly softened his expression when he caught sight of the confused frustration on his little companion's face.
"And what would you call that?" Crimson eyes narrowed fiercely. Damn…he got me…He knew the answer but refused to say it, once more considering the practicality- or lack thereof- of egressing in spite of the storm. Before he could move, Kurama had grabbed his arm, already predicting Hiei's thoughts of escape. His grip was gentle but very firm, and Hiei struggled against it for only a moment before reluctantly allowing himself to be held in place.
What am I doing? This isn't the way to get through to him…granted, the youko side of his mind had some very…interesting…ideas on what the right way to do so would be, but that wasn't really what he had had in mind for the direction of the conversation. After a matter of moments he released Hiei's arm and sat back down on the bed, his eyes turned from the discontented little youkai. Glaring, Hiei rubbed his arm where it had been clutched and looked away as well.
"What do you want me to say?" His voice affected a mocking tone, high and sarcastic. "Oh, Kurama, I truly care, please take care of me…" He trailed off, vaguely aware of the hurt in the emerald eyes that now looked up to him.
"You don't need to say anything, Hiei." It was a good thing, too, since the demon had become completely silent. "Although it might be nice if you were honest for once…to yourself, at least."
The silence was heavy and would have been unbearable if not for the reassuringly unceasing sounds of the storm pounding outside. A youko asking for honesty…the thought manifested itself in a smirk that spread slowly across Hiei's face, the sort of smirk that nobody but Kurama would be able to interpret, like the muttered "Hn"'s that were the youkai's usual form of expression. And just as he knew the thoughts that crossed Hiei's mind, he knew there was no safe response to them. Instead the fox pursued a different tangent that had been pulling at him since that first denial of his care.
"I do want to know, though…why now?"
"Why now what?"
"You never…" Kurama's voice caught and he struggled for an appropriate phrase. "You never pushed me away before." Arms folded stubbornly across his chest, Hiei leaned back against a painted wall and glared irritably.
"Of course I didn't. You were just being---" Wait, what? What am I saying? He was just being kind? What if all this time…Once again Kurama found himself at a loss, faced with an expression of betrayed confusion but finding no easy answer to it. As recognition dawned on Hiei, he instinctively moved to step back, his eyes widening even as he backed into the wall he had been leaning on.
"You always…did you always have this in mind?" He practically spat the word at Kurama, who hesitantly stood and looked at him helplessly.
"…'this'?"
Hiei glared and lifted a hand to his lips, turning his face to hide a sudden rush of warmth that lent an increasingly annoying pinkish tint to his cheeks. His voice was lowered in accusation, barely audible over the still-unsubsiding storm.
"You know what I mean."
And he did, now. Kurama's heart seemed to drop in his chest at the charge brought against him. He thinks I've been taking advantage of him…He stepped closer, placing a gentle hand on a shoulder trembling with angry frustration, but Hiei shook it off and turned away. The youkai's stubbornness was beginning to wear on him and Kurama found himself asking something that, had he been in a better mood, he would have been far too sensible to consider asking.
"So you didn't like it?"
How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
"That's not the point..."
"Isn't it?"
"…" Hiei had never considered himself good with words, but that had never seemed like such a big deal before. Now all he wanted was to steal the youko's eloquence for himself and summon up some witty retort. Unfortunately, that wasn't happening, and the pained demon could only glare at the ground in helpless silence as he struggled with the question. Yes, it had been nice, but…but you know it can't work out. He's Youko Kurama, dammit, even if you could trust him it's not like you can offer him anything he'd want. Another part of his mind found the error of this idea and pointed it out to him. Offer him? Why should you? You don't need to reduce yourself to that…
But you –did- like it…The look in Hiei's eyes was enough to soften Kurama's tone, when he spoke again.
"Hiei…if you did like it…" If…hah…the youko had been around long enough to know when someone was happy, or content, or simply ecstatic in a given moment, and the small noises and insistent embrace Hiei had offered under his attentions were all the evidence he needed…still, for the sake of the little demon's pride, he forced himself to speak in the hypothetical. "If you did, then…then why not? I'm not asking you to say you care, I'm not asking for that…" Hiei's sudden accusatory glare stopped him and he quickly corrected himself. "But I'm not asking for that either."
"Then what do you want from me?" There was no implication, no offer made in the youkai's words, he was careful about that. It was a simple question, one carefully tailored in his mind to avoid giving the fox any…ideas. What it had given him, as it were, was a mess of confusion, one that he had been carefully thinking around until the question was put to him in that flat, clear manner. What do I want? What do I expect from him?
"I guess…patience, at least. You may not hold any feelings for me…" Once again he had shifted the tense of the suggestion to a purely theoretical one, putting Hiei slightly at ease. "…but even so, I won't deny that I care very strongly for you. If you truly don't wish this relationship to go beyond companionship, then…" He paused a moment, the words sticking in his throat and threatening to betray him.
"…then that's okay with me. It doesn't have to."
Hiei had been prepared to refuse, to accuse Kurama of being manipulative or trying to get something he never could…but put that way, how could he? The choice was being offered, and in spite of the obviousness of Kurama's desire regarding his response it was still a choice. He wasn't being forced into anything, to his surprise, and he managed little more than a raised eyebrow and a nod.
"Hn…" Kurama bit his lip, steeling himself for rejection for the second time in a matter of days. He had been lucky last time, due most likely to the fact that Hiei had been somewhat…unbalanced…from the kiss. This time, Hiei was thinking much more clearly. All that would come from the delicate lips, if indeed there was anything, would be a scornful goodbye and---
"I'll think about it."
(A/N:
Yami: ANGST!
Yume: Ugh.
Yami: Woohoo! Angst!
Yume: . …hn. Short and cliffhangery…so I'll keep the notes short and stick them after the next chapter…)