JENNIE
I open my eyes and look up at Lisa from the bed, but she isn't looking at me. I feel like she's barely registering that I exist. Her eyes are focused on the books she pushed to the floor as she clenches her fists at her sides.
To bring her back to me from wherever she is, I say it again. "I kissed her, Lisa."
Instead of looking at me, she taps her fists against her forehead in frustration, and my mind scrambles for an explanation. "I . . . you . . . why?" she mumbles.
"I thought you forgot about me . . . that you didn't want me anymore, and she was there and . . ." My explanation isn't fair, and I know it. But I don't know what else to say. My feet won't move toward her like my mind wants them to, and I remain on the bed.
"Stop saying that shit! Stop fucking saying she was there. I swear to God, if I hear that one more fucking time . . . !"
"Okay! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Lisa. I was so hurt and confused, she was saying all the things that I was so desperate for you to say and—"
"What was she saying?"
I don't want to repeat anything that Rosé said, not to Lisa. "Lisa . . ." I hold on to the pillow as an anchor.
"Now," she demands.
"She was just saying what would have happened if she had won the bet, if we had dated instead."
"And what was that like?" "What?"
"What was that like, hearing that bullshit? Is that what you want? You want to be with her instead of me?" Her anger is boiling and I can tell she's trying her hardest to keep the lid on it, but the steam is pressing and pressing.
"No, that's not what I want." I climb off the bed and take a cautious step toward her.
"Don't. Don't come near me." Her words pierce me, pinning me to where I am.
"What else did you do with her? Did you fuck her? Suck her dick?"
I'm so thankful that the house is empty and they can't hear Lisa's foul accusations.
"Oh my God! No! You know I didn't. I don't know what I was thinking when I kissed her. I was just being stupid, and I was at such a bad place with you abandoning me."
"Abandoning you? You're the one who fucking left me, and now I find out you were flaunting yourself around campus like a fucking whore!" she screams.
I want to cry but this isn't about me, it's about her and how hurt and angry she must be. "I didn't mean it that way. Don't call me names." I squeeze the back of the desk chair.
Lisa turns her back to me, leaving me alone in my guilt. I can't imagine how I would feel if she had done this during the worst time in my life. I hadn't thought about how she'd feel when I did it, though; I had only assumed she was doing the same.
I don't want to continue to push her. I know the way her temper gets too heated for her to control, and she's been trying her best to do so.
"Do you want me to leave you alone for now?" I weakly ask. "Yes."
I didn't want her to agree for me to leave her be, but I do what she asks and head out of the bedroom. She doesn't turn around.
I'm unsure what to do with myself as I lean against the wall in the hallway. In a sick way I'd rather her be screaming at me, pinning me against the wall, and demanding me to tell her why I did what I did instead of staring out of the window and asking me to leave the room.
Maybe that's what's wrong with us: we both crave the drama of disagreements. I don't believe that to be true; we have come a long way since the beginning of our relationship, even if we've fought more than we've had peace. Most of the novels that I've read led me to believe quarrels come and go in the blink of an eye, a simple apology will bandage any problem and everything will be worked out within minutes. The novels lie. Maybe that's why I'm so enamored with Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice; both are incredibly romantic in their own way, but they reveal the truth behind blind love and promises of forever.
This is the truth. This is a world where everyone makes mistakes, even the incredibly naïve girl who is usually the victim of a someone's insensitivity and temper. No one is truly innocent in this world, no one. The people who believe themselves to be perfect are the worst ones of all.
A crash from within Lisa's room frightens me, and I bring my hand to my mouth as I hear another and another. She's destroying the room. I knew she would. I should stop her from breaking more and more of her father's property, but honestly, I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid that she'll hurt me physically—I'm afraid of the words she'll say while she's in this state. I can't be afraid, though, I can handle it.
"Fuck!" she screams, and I step into the room. I'm half thankful that Marco took Karen and Jisoo out for dessert, but I almost wish someone was here to help me stop her.
In Lisa's hand is a piece of wood, the leg of a chair, I realize when I see the chair lying on its side at Lisa's feet. She tosses the dark wood away, and her eyes glow an angry green when she sees me.
"What part of leave me the fuck alone do you not get, Jennie?"
I take another breath and let her angry words bounce off of me. "I'm not leaving you alone." My voice doesn't come out as strong as I intended.
"If you know what's good for you, you will," she threatens.
I take a few steps forward to meet her and stop less than a foot away.
She tries to back up, but she's blocked by the wall.
"You won't hurt me." I call her out on her empty threat. "You don't know that, I've done it before."
"Not purposely. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you did, I know that."
"You don't know anything!" she yells.
"Talk to me," I calmly say. My heart is in my mouth as I watch her close her eyes and open them again.
"I don't have anything to say to you, I don't want you." Her voice is labored.
"Yes, you do."
"No, Jennie, I don't. I don't want shit to do with you. She can have you." "I don't want her." I try not to let her harsh words penetrate me.
"You obviously do." "No, I only want you."
"Bullshit!" She slams her open palm against the wall. It startles me, but I stay still. "Get out, Jen."
"No, Lisa."
"Don't you have anything better to do? Go find Rosé. Go fuck her, for all I fucking care—I'll do the same, believe me, Jennie. I will leave here and fuck every girl I lay eyes on."
Tears spring to my eyes, but she doesn't pay any mind. "You're saying these things out of anger, you don't mean them."
Her eyes search the room for something, anything, left to break. She hasn't left much unscathed. Luckily, the things that have been demolished are mostly mine. The poster board I brought home for Jisoo's biology assignment . . . the suitcase full of books has been dumped out and my novels are scattered across the carpet. Some of my clothes have been pulled from the dresser, and the chair, of course, has been knocked to the floor and broken.
"I don't want to look at you . . . go," she says gruffly, but softer than before.
"I'm sorry for kissing her, Lisa. I know it hurts you, and for that I'm sorry." I look up at her.
Silently she studies my face. I jump slightly when her thumb wipes away the tears staining my cheeks.
"Don't be afraid," she whispers.
"I'm not," I say in an equally hushed tone.
"I don't know if I can get past this." She breathes heavily.
My knees nearly buckle at the thought. I don't think there has ever been a time since we declared our love for each other that I've had to consider Lisa being the one to end things over an infidelity. My kiss with the stranger on New Year's was nothing like this; she was pissed off and I knew she would let me have it, but deep down I knew she wouldn't hold on to it for too long. This time, though, it was with Rosé, whom she had had a rocky friendship with because of me; they've been in several fights, and I know it drives Lisa insane for me to even speak to Rosé.
I don't think getting back into a full-blown relationship with Lisa is a good idea at this moment, but our problems have shifted from uncertainty over the future to this. Unwanted tears spill from my unfaithful eyes, and her frown deepens.
"Don't cry," she coaxes, her fingers expanding and resting against my cheek.
"I'm sorry," I breathe; a single tear falls onto my lips, and I lick it away. "Do you love me still?" I have to ask.
I know she does, but I'm desperate and needy for the words.
"Of course I do, I always will." She comforts me in a soothing voice.
It's a strangely beautiful sound, really: the way her exasperated breathing is heavy and loud but her voice is calm and soft, like an image of angry waves crashing against the shore with no sound.
"When will you know what you want to do?" I ask her, afraid of the answer.
She sighs and presses her forehead against mine as her breathing begins to slightly slow down. "I don't know; it's not like I can be without you."
"I can't either," I whisper to her. "Be without you." "We can't seem to get our shit together, can we?"
"No, not at all." I almost smile at our calm exchange of words after her tantrum only minutes ago.
"We can try?" I offer, and I attempt to lean into her, nervously waiting for her to stop me.
"Come here." Her fingers press into the skin on my arms, and she brings me to her chest.
It feels heavenly, like visiting home after being away for so long, and the scent of her as I bury my face into her T-shirt calms my heart.
"You won't go near her again," she says into my hair. "I know." I agree without thinking.
"This doesn't mean I'm over it, I just miss you."
"I know," I repeat, nuzzling further into her. Her heartbeat is solid and rapid against my ear.
"You can't go around kissing people every time you're angry. It's fucked up and I won't have it. You would lose your shit if I did that."
I lift my head from Lisa's chest to look at her hostile face. My fingers unwrap from around the thin material of her T-shirt and I thread them through her soft curls.
Her gaze is harsh, but the way her lips are parting slowly lets me know she won't stop me when I tug at her hair to bring her face down to mine. If it weren't for her height, this would be much easier. Lisa sighs into the kiss; tightening her grip around my waist, her fingers move to my hips and back around me again.
My tears are mixed with her harsh breathing into the most lethal combination of love and lust. I love her a thousand times more than I lust for her, but the two mix and intensify as she removes her mouth from mine to trail her warm lips down my jaw and neckline. Shw bends at her knees to get better contact with my skin, and I can barely stand on my feet as she bites down softly just above where my collarbone would show if I were as thin as society wanted me to be.
I begin to walk back toward the bed and tug at her shirt when she tries to protest. She gives in with a huff and a firm kiss to my neck; we reach the bed and stop to look at each other.
I don't want either of us to speak and ruin what we've started, so I grab ahold of the hem on my shirt and pull it up over my head. Her breathing is deepening again, this time out of need, not anger.
When my shirt hits the floor, I reach in front of me to undress her. She lifts her own shirt, and as my nervous but quick fingers fumble with her belt and tug her jeans down her legs, she grows impatient and uses the leg I'm not holding to push them to the floor.
I climb back onto the bed as she does the same, her fingers constantly running along my bare skin. Lisa shifts her weight as her lips find mine again, her tongue pushing through my lips slowly as she hovers over me, using her arms to support her weight.
I can feel her getting hard just from our kissing, so I lift my hips slightly off of the bed to meet her in order to create friction between us. She groans and tugs her boxers down with one hand, leaving them at her knees. My hand immediately grips her length, and she hisses into my ear. My hand pumps slowly up and down her. I lean down, tracing my tongue over the tip of her cock, wanting to elicit more sounds from her. I lift my head back up to face her and wrap my hand around her again.
"I love you," I remind her as she moans into my neck.
She moves one hand to my chest and tugs carelessly at the cups of my bra to expose my breasts to her.
"I love you," she finally says.
"Are you sure you want to do this? What with everything going on, and we aren't together right now . . ." she explains, and I nod.
"Please," I beg.
Her mouth meets my chest, and her hands travel behind my back to unclasp my bra so she can remove it fully. Her fingers are cold against my hot skin, but her tongue is warm and needy as she flicks it over my nipple, grazing the skin with her teeth.
I tug at her hair, and I'm rewarded with a low moan as her mouth moves to my other breast.