Hilltop's gates open for us like they did for me last time. Enid sees us first, hugging me and asking why we're here as we keep walking. Before I can answer, Kal catches up with us; we're already halfway up the hill, and he's out of breath and red in the face.
"You just sit on that wall all day?" I ask, pulling on Downy Beardy's bridle when keeps lumbering forward.
He glares at me.
"It's Kal, right?" Rosita asks him, her voice sweet enough that I can tell she wants something from him. "Can you do me a favour, Kal?"
He goes red again.
"Don't tell Maggie I'm here yet," Rosita says. "Same goes for you, Enid. I want it to be a surprise."
I frown at her. Enid's creased face seems to find it strange, too.
"S— sure," Kal grins, looking like he wants something to lean against.
"Thanks..." Rosita drops her smile and starts walking again. "Rhys, go get the horse stabled. I'll find you later."
Before I can ask any questions, Rosita disappears towards the medical trailer where Abraham and Glenn's graves grow their weeds and wildflowers.
Enid walks with me as I lead Downy Beardy up to the stables, the horse pulling against me for some reason. I find him an empty stall, fill up his water bucket and get some fresh hay from a net hanging up on a wall by a few spare saddles and leads. His nose flares and I try to take it as a good sign, still finding the creature standing two heads taller than me quite intimidating. Suddenly, someone's grabbing me from behind.
"What are you doing here?!" Mikey's high pitch squeak makes me laugh.
When he finally lets go of my shoulders I turn around to face him. He runs a hand through his almost shoulder-length hair, scratching at a spot of mud on his cheek with his free hand, the other supporting a long hayfork clutched under his arm.
"Rick wants me out of Alexandria, just in case the Saviors recognise me." I bite my bottom lip, frowning. "You should really go to Kingdom or home. If they recognise you..."
"It's fine!" he squarks, flapping his arms, dropping the fork by mistake and apologising to the horses when they all jump. "I helped Sasha dig a super secret tunnel that goes under the wall. When the Saviors come, we'll just leave for a bit."
"Yeah," Enid says. "It's pretty easy to avoid them, actually."
"What's with the fork?" I ask as he scoops it back up, fixing his dad's glasses when they slip down his nose.
"Maggie said we should pitch in to keep Gregory happy," he says. "I like the stables."
"And now he smells like horse poop all the time," Enid snickers.
"Do not!"
While Mikey gets Downy Beardy settled, Enid takes me to Jesus' trailer to explain everything to Maggie, Sasha, and the man himself. I'm not all that surprised when Daryl walks in, saying he left the Kingdom after just one night. I ask him why but he grunts. Guess he didn't like it as much as I did. I try asking him why, but he just shrugs me off, saying something about his crossbow before leaving quickly.
I tell them about the Scavengers, the guns, and everything else I can think of — begrudgingly leaving out the part about Rosita coming since she seemed pretty insistent about it.
I spend some time by Glenn's grave after they run out of questions, getting fresh flowers for him and Abraham even though there are already fresh ones propped against the rock stacks. Maggie tells me Jesus has been looking after them.
I don't really understand how it's possible yet.
How can they be gone?
How can we win this war without Abraham?
How will we know if we've gone too far without Glenn?
I take a handful of dirt from Glenn's grave, feeling it crumble and grind between my fingers only to sprinkle it back down like sugar dusting. I think that too far might not be a thing anymore. More a memory of how things used to be.
Sasha told me she can't remember what Abraham looked like anymore — said she can only see the bat and the blood and all the butchery in between. I told her I remember them — told her I'm glad I didn't have to see it. That made her smile.
She's sitting next to me now — reordering the smooth pebbles stacked on his grave.
"I'm going to kill him," she says after a long pause where she looks like she hasn't been thinking so much but focusing.
"I know."
"No," she says, "you don't. Rhys, Rosita asked me to go with her to try and take him out."
My whole body withers into the earth. Only I don't move. "What?"
Why can't anyone just sit still?
"I'm gonna go with her," Sasha says.
Why do we all keep doing this to each other?
I am quiet for a moment; confused the next.
"Why tell me?" I ask through my teeth. "You know I wouldn't want you to."
Sasha smiles at me. She doesn't smile like how she is now. She's hurt so much for so long that she can't smile like this. But she is. Somehow.
"Because you're the only family I've got," she tells me like it's a relief to say. "I'm not lying to you."
"You can't go."
"I can't let Rosita go alone... and she'll go with or without me. So it should be with me."
"Sasha," I say, all that same hurt inside me building to the top like a soda can ready to pop. "If you go... if you die... I think I'll..."
She looks away. I think she knows I'm right. She knows how I was after we lost Tyreese. How I spoil and break so easily.
"You'll be the same if Rosita dies," she tells me. "I can't let her die. Not because I like her, because I don't. Because if she goes out there and dies, it'll kill you, too."
"Then we'll tell Maggie!" I say, getting to my feet.
Sasha grabs my ankle tightly. "No. You know it won't stop her."
"When?" I ask, pissed at both of them.
"Tomorrow."
"I'm coming, too."
"Rhys, no."
"You can't stop me," I bark, pulling my foot from her grip and marching away.
"Rhys..." she calls after me. "You're not coming."
I stop.
"You have to look after Maggie," she says, "no matter what. She's the future of this place. So are you."
Tears roll down my cheeks in streams of salt that race to reach my chin as I turn to face her. I rub them away with my wrists, upset that we can't ever just be. That one of us always has to do this to the other when they finally manage to be happy. Sasha stands up and reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a small twine bracelet — three pieces of dark string folded over each other into a simple pattern. She holds it out to me, and I take it.
"It's for the baby," she says. "Maybe you can work on it while I'm gone."
I shake my head, tears still desperate to reach their finish line.
She smiles wide and brilliant. "I promise I'll bring Rosita back alive. No matter what."
"Sasha," I whine.
She pulls me into her, squeezing tightly. That's when I know.
"I'll see you when I get back," she whispers.
Sasha takes off towards Barrington house.
I march back into Jesus' trailer, grabbing an apple from a fruit bowl and sitting in my corner to gnaw on it furiously, peeling the pale green skin between my teeth. The trailer's small and housing six of us now. Seven if Rosita stays. My corner's at the bottom of the bed, a small pile of blankets left out by Jesus for me.
It's times like this that I wish I wasn't me. Tyreese could have talked Sasha out of it. Abraham could have stopped Rosita. All I'm good at is getting captured, beaten, and broken.
I hear people sitting on the steps outside. As I listen, I figure from the voices that it's Maggie and Jesus.
"Sorry for taking over your trailer," Maggie tells him.
He chuckles like he hadn't considered it. "I grew up with a lot of people around. I'm used to it."
"Big family?"
"Uh... group home."
There's a moment where they go quiet. I imagine they're looking at each other, wondering how our family got so big.
"This isn't like that, though," Jesus says. "Not the bad parts, at least. For the first time, I feel like I belong. Trying to make sure you, Mikey, and Sasha became a part of this made me a part of this. When I was first here, I was never here. I always found it hard getting close to anyone... neighbours, friends, boyfriends."
"You should try it sometime," Maggie tells him. "Even if it doesn't last."
I decide to stop snooping, opening the door and walking out on them.
"Hey, sweetie," Maggie smiles up at me.
I smile at them both, handing Maggie my half-eaten apple because she's pregnant and I've suddenly lost my appetite.
"You know we need to find you a job if you're staying here," Jesus tells me.
"Erm, Rick wants me to go back to the Kingdom," I say.
"It's the safest thing," Maggie agrees.
"But..." I whine a little. "Daryl's here now... maybe I can stay for a little bit, too?"
Maggie smirks at me. "We'll talk about it."
"You could work in the stables until then," Jesus suggests.
I frown at him. "I was thinking I could help you guys?"
"How so?" Jesus asks, not turning me down in his very Jesus way. "You want to help train the fighters?"
My frown only gets deeper, and it makes him laugh.
"I was thinking something else," I say. "I'm not sure."
Jesus nods. "Well, when you think of it, let me know."
Maggie looks down at a rough sheet of paper on her knees, a list of chicken scratches scribbled down on it.
"Speakin' of fighters," Maggie hums. "We need to figure out something to trade with the Kingdom to get some of their body armour." She glances at me. "Any ideas what they might need?"
"Erm..." I pause, remembering how useless I am.
"You've spent the most time there," she adds. "You ever hear that King talkin' about supplies?"
I think hard. "They're kinda good on guns and ammo..."
"Good," Jesus chuckles, "because we're fresh out."
"Maybe talk to the blacksmith about making more spears?" I suggest. "Kingdom doesn't have a blacksmith... neither does Alexandria. Maybe we should play to Hilltop's strengths?"
I worry I'm being dumb, but Maggie smiles at me. "I'll chat to Earl about it."
I notice Jesus grinning at me, and when I ask him why he just shrugs.
"Thing is..." Maggie says, pulling herself up off the stairs, "what we really need is riot gear."
I chuckle, remembering Glenn's set from the prison.
Jesus and Maggie head towards Enid, who's petting a goat that I decide looks stunningly like Benjamin. I feel all peeved when I realise I can't tell him that and laugh at his reaction, wishing we all just lived in one place.
"Maggie," I call her back before she walks too far. Jesus waves and keeps moving.
"Yeah?" She comes back to me, rubbing my shoulder up and down.
"Daryl..." I say. "I feel like he's been avoiding me since we got here."
Maggie looks like she gets what I'm talking about straight away.
She nods. "He's the same with me."
"You think it's about—"
"Yes," Maggie cuts me off. "I do."
I decide to go see how Downy Beardy is doing, but as I get closer to the stables I see Daryl sitting alone on a bench around the from the trailers, flicking his knife along thin sticks and making what I assume to be bolts for his crossbow.
I approach him.
"Can you show me how to do that?" I ask bluntly.
He looks up, grunting as an answer.
I sit next to him.
"They're different," he says when I don't speak again.
"Huh?"
"Your bow," he says. "Arrows are harder to make for it."
I take that as a request for me to be quiet.
I decide not to be.
"Do you feel safe?" I ask.
Daryl stops carving his arrows for a second, glancing at me before going back to it.
"It's just... when we were back at the church," I say, my eyes wide as I try to see that far back, "you said that nowhere is safe and that people pick their moments..." I trail off, figuring from his silence that he doesn't remember.
"You said people like me make people feel safe."
I nod. Daryl's not saying much today. Less than usual, anyway. He's been like that since I got here.
"Well," I ask. "Do you?"
Daryl stops flicking the stick against his knife again. He looks at me in this way that says absolutely nothing. Most people say something with a glance, but not Daryl.
We hear metal clanging suddenly. It's sharp and loud. Almost like a bell.
When we look up, Kal is on the wall, striking two pieces of rebar together and yelling at the top of his lungs.
"THE SAVIORS ARE COMING!"
My blood boils cold.
Enid sprints around the corner of a trailer towards us.
"Hey," she gasps, out of breath. "We have to get Maggie!"
"Where is she?" Daryl jumps up, dropping the arrows and grabbing his knife.
Enid points towards the big house.
"Wait!" I bark at them. "What about Sasha and Rosita?!"
"Rosita?" Daryl looks between us.
"I— um..." I stutter.
The gates start opening, truck engines rumbling just beyond. We see Maggie run out of Barrington.
"No time," Enid gasps, starting at a run towards Maggie, who is barking orders at Jesus before pointing towards the big house.
I try to argue, but Daryl grabs my wrist and pulls me as he follows Enid.
Maggie points towards the trailers on the far side of Hilltop. "The tunnel... we'll never make it in time."
"Come on!" Enid yells at us, the four of us ducking behind the corner of Barrington house just as trucks start filing through the gates and suffocating Hilltop in a thick, black smoke.
Enid flings open the storm hatch leading to Barrington house's cellar, hurrying the three of us down the stone steps into the dark.
"I'll keep them away," Enid tells us. "They aren't the same ones that came to Alexandria."
"Where's Mikey?" Maggie pants.
"He probably made it to the tunnel," Enid says, slamming the hatch closed on us and plunging the cellar into a heavy and smothering darkness.