Chapter two: Routine

I sit in front of the console doing the usual. It's what I'm really good at, searching for stuff and taking care of Sanctuary. For some reason, this has always been my place. Not that I'm complaining, but it just reminds me so damn much of her.

It seems unreal, the way we went straight back to work without giving ourselves a mourning period. Sure, the freaking world needs to be saved, but Emma just died and Adam's missing and probably dead.

I guess I'm feeling bitter because Shalimar's got Brennan, and Lexa didn't know Emma, so she doesn't need any consolation. But I do, I need someone who can help me deal. Adam was our leader, our compass, and without him we are weak. And Emma, she was our strength.

It's really ironic that when I finally need a telempathic painkiller, and my only cure would be Emma, she's the one causing me such pain. Brennan never knew; I was always seen as the good friend that acted the same way with everyone and nothing else. No one ever noticed the way I'd look at her, how protective I was.

I can feel Lexa watching me, but I refuse to let her know. I type frantically, trying to find whatever I'm looking for and get this done fast. Maybe then I will get some time to grieve. I have no idea about how to go on. I mean, this is a routine I can't deal with. She's not around anymore, and she was all that mattered to me.

Brennan moves close to me and asks me if I'm okay. I reply with a calm no. How could I be okay knowing that she's gone? I can see in Brennan's eyes that he understands, and he nods before turning away and giving me some space.

Physically speaking, I'm fine. But emotionally? I'm a total wreck. If Emma could see me now she'd try to say something to calm me, but what she didn't realize was that her mere presence was soothing enough for me.

I finally get my work done and walk away without a word. I know Shalimar tried to come after me and Brennan stopped her. I also know that Lexa must be mildly amused watching all our interaction.

I walk into Emma's room and memories flood me. I can't deal with this, but I have to. I can see that Shalimar and Brennan have already been here, there are pictures everywhere. I remember Emma telling me where she hid her journal and an urge to find it overtakes me.  I won't read it, I just need something personal of hers to hold on to, so I start rummaging around for it.

Once I have the journal in my hands I sit down on her bed and flip it open. Her handwriting was tidy and round. I skim the pages with no real interest, and see my name in it quite often. No matter what the thoughts were, at least she thought about me. I skip over to her last entry and tears well up in my eyes. This really is the last entry she'll ever make. I have to read it. I can't control myself.

She starts by saying that she'd been feeling confused lately. Something about mixed feelings. That, I can relate to. Then she says something about Brennan. How ironic. I keep reading and suddenly my hands tremble. I can't believe what I've just read. I go back and read it again, word by word:

"I realize now that I never really loved Brennan. It was all an illusion. I was sexually attracted to him, but that was it. I know this now because when I kissed him, I always thought of someone else. Sometimes I can feel his eyes on me and I wonder if he feels the same. That sexy smirk of his, or his gentle strength, the great friend he is or the twinkle in his blue eyes. There, I've said it. I am madly in love with Jesse Kilmartin, but much too afraid to ask if he feels the same way. What a coward I am. I could always read him, but the last thing I want is to betray his trust. But I will tell him eventually, no matter the cost, because the truth is I love him and need him."

I finish reading and close the journal, pressing it against my chest. My fists are rolled into balls, and I grunt out of frustration. If only she had told me before it was too late. And then it comes again, the sinking realization that has become a part of me: it's already too late. She's gone.

I sob quietly, then louder, because I've definitely lost it. I lost her, and she was all I cared for. Sure, Brennan's like a brother and Shalimar's like a sister, but I love Emma. And I need her, and she is gone. There's no way I can bring her back and it hurts.

Why can I help everyone but myself? I'm always saving people, it's my job, but the greatest irony is that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't save the woman I love. It's so unfair. She didn't deserve this. I love her and she loved me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we get a damn chance at happiness?

I hear the door open, and feel someone sit beside me. I look up and see Lexa, looking at me dubiously. "I know nothing I say will make you feel better, but I just wanted you to know that even if I didn't know Emma, I share your pain. I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

Her words sound in my head, and I nod my understanding. She places her hand on my shoulder and I let go of myself. She holds me and I weep like a child in her arms, as she tries to soothe me.

Time passes and I calm down, and we turn to leave. I take Emma's journal with me to my room and get ready to go back to work. This is what she would've wanted. She would've wanted me to go on. But I need her. I need her so damn much. I punch the wall to release my anger and leave.

I need to think about something else. I can't go on like this. This is going to kill me. The same thing all over again. Anything I do or say reminds me of her. And I'm stuck in this vicious cycle… but I need closure. Maybe her funeral service will help. Or maybe I'll continue killing me slowly. But it's a chance I have to take.

*******This was longer than I intended it to be, but it wrote itself, and I never argue with a story that's so cooperative. Shal's POV will be next, then we'll have Bren's. Last one will be Lexa's.*******