Chapter four: Remorse
I walk into my room silently and remember Jesse's words when he thought I wasn't listening. I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out. Suddenly everything starts to fit in. He loved her. He fucking loved her. And I screwed it all up!
I pick up a pillow and smash it repeatedly against the bed. How could I've been so damn stupid! I sit down and put my head between my hands in desperation as I remember how it all started.
I had always been attracted to Emma, ever since the first time I'd seen her. She was pretty but rather gentle, much unlike Shalimar who was on the wild side. Emma's strength, veiled with fragility, was what had attracted me to her. Then, those expressive eyes of her and that resolute tone her voice took on sometimes drove me over the edge.
I lusted for her. She lusted for me. We were two close friends that were attracted to each other. Emma wanted me to show her the ways of sensuality, and I wasn't about to refuse. But we got in too deep, and our feelings got all tangled.
I broke it off when I realized that I was actually in love with Shalimar. Her grace, strength and courage had captivated me, so had her beauty. And Emma? She had sought comfort in Jesse, who would hold her for hours on end as she wept. I realize now why sometimes when she was asleep in his arms he'd let his tears fall softly, without saying a word.
She was in pain, and so was he. And it was all my fucking fault. I shouldn't have gotten involved with Emma. I loved Shalimar, and I knew that, but my attraction for Emma was just too damn strong, I couldn't even think straight.
Damn it. I bet I'm starting to sound like an insensitive prick who only takes advantage of women, A while ago, this perception might've been true, but with Emma and Shalimar it was different. There I was, with Emma, and one night I kissed Shalimar out of the blue and ended up making love to her.
That's exactly what tipped me off to the fact that I loved Shalimar. Because when we were together, even though it was wild, fierce and passionate, it wasn't just sex. With Emma, it was softer and gentler, but when it came down to it, it was all about me pleasuring her. It never was about me loving her, and it hurts to know that it took me so damn long to realize it.
I know Shal is in Emma's room right now. Probably just letting it all out. And I'll be joining her soon. As soon as I'm done beating myself up. How am I even going to look at Jesse now?!? I feel so ashamed.
Because he really does love her. And his love is pure, and innocent. If he had been given the choice, he would've traded his life for hers. I know it for sure… because I would do the same thing for Shalimar.
I walk out of my room and over to Emma's, and I walk in silently, even though I know Shal's been sensing me for a while now. I sit beside her and hold her, and suddenly everything feels right. Sorry Emma, we'll miss you and we hope you're okay. But this is the way it should be. This is who I have to be with. And Jess? He'll cope in his own way. It's time to heal.
*******I'm hating Brennan a little bit right now. But this just wrote itself. On to the final chapter: Lexa's POV.*******