Chapter five: Redemption
I look at them all, grieving in their own ways, and for some reason, I feel guilty. Guilty because I can't ease their pain. Especially Jesse's. And guilty because I feel like I should be feeling something, anything, yet here I am like a freaking stone pillar that feels nothing at all.
Their eyes are on me, searching for some sign of emotion, yet my face remains expressionless. Thing is, I hate this, not knowing what to feel or how to act. I feel lost. Useless.
I move over to Jesse and sit beside him, watching him work. He acknowledges my presence but decides to ignore me and hide any reaction. At least this one gives me cues on how to act. I remain silent and soon he's done. He storms off without a word, and Shalimar tries to go after him.
Brennan restrains her and she tries to fight him, but he shakes his head. "He needs some time alone" he says, and she backs down. We decide on a plan and I offer to go talk to Jesse. Brennan nods and I leave towards Jesse's room, but sobs coming from the other side of the hall divert my attention. I walk over to Emma's room and see Jesse's state.
Jesse knows more about me than anyone else. He's a good guy, loyal, and he doesn't deserve this. So I move closer to him and beckon him to me. He sobs between my arms and I hold him close. I'm finally feeling something, thank God. I feel pity because I know Emma's death is tearing Jess' soul apart. And I feel pain for the one he's feeling.
Wait a minute. Since when do I call him Jess? And since when do I care so much about him? Snap out of it Lexa, don't get attached. Don't get attached.
He gets up and wipes his face, embarrassed. I reassure him and we both walk out. I escort him to his room while filling him in on the plan and then retreat to my very own area. I feel vulnerable all of a sudden, and I don't like it. But it is better than to not feel at all.
I walk into the Double Helix and I feel Shalimar's hostility towards me has not decreased. I shrug it off and sit down, still lost in my thoughts. I feel so out of place here. They've known each other for such a long time, and I'm just an intruder in their midst.
Jesse walks over to me and thanks me before walking up to the front and lifting the DH. I'm enthralled by his gentleness, such a lost thing between males these days. I chide myself again. Stop, Lexa, stop. Focus on your mission. Focus on your mission.
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We're finally back from that mission and for some reason I feel strangely relieved. It's all been a blur, really, since all I've been able to think about is Jesse. Argh! I need to get him out of my head!
I walk into the lab and I hear them talking about a memorial service for Adam and Emma. The cynical way of thought takes over. They think that a little service will gain them redemption? I think not. But the illusion I can feel from Jesse turns the cynicism off. Maybe what they need isn't redemption, but closure.
I realize too late that my initial opinion of it was evident in my face and I walk off before I'm mobbed. Strangely enough Shalimar asks me to come to the service but I just don't feel like showing up. I'd be ashamed.
Damn. I hate this shit. First I didn't feel, now I feel too much. Calm down, Lexa, calm down. Then, a thought strikes me: what if I'm the one who needs redemption? I get up and bolt out over to the service. Time to find out.
I can see them all gathered from where I'm standing, and I observe their positions. Shalimar touching the plaque with their names softly as if to convince herself, then letting go of the flower she held. Brennan standing near Shalimar, ready to assist her with anything, ready to be her strength once again. And Jesse is sitting alone, drowning in misery.
Against my best judgment I walk over to them. Jesse spots me and smiles weakly, as if he's known I'd come all along. I try to fight it, but I can't keep a tear from making its way across my face. I hastily wipe it away, but Shalimar and Brennan have already noticed.
And that one moment of weakness bonds us all. I've become human to their eyes. Jess walks over to me and holds me like I held him before, and we revel in each other's company. When he releases me, his eyes are still sad, but they twinkle a little. We smile at each other and then I'm pulled into a hug by Shalimar and Brennan.
I can't believe this. They took me in. I'm a part of this, and it feels right. Like it's the way it should be. As if I was meant to be here. Maybe I was. We all smile at each other and peace wraps itself around us like a blanket to shield us from the cold.
We all need redemption sometimes. I did, from my past mistakes and lack of understanding. But it's all better now. We're all together. They saved me. They gave me something to fight for. They gave me feelings. They gave me redemption to my own eyes, and now I've learned to forgive. Thanks, Emma. I owe you.
********Well, this is it. Thanks for joining me on this crazy ride. It's been great having you guys here with me. Drop me a review and tell me if this was worth your time.********