AN: Since I promised an update weeks ago to them and their bday was a few days ago, here's an update just for hime-fufatsu. Happy belated birthday!
For those of you who don't follow me on Tumblr or Facebook, I'm actually on maternity leave until January. That doesn't mean I won't sneak in an update until then but don't expect one.
Thank you to all of you who left me a review of encouragement on the last chapter. I didn't mean to imply I wouldn't finish the story or my other unfinished works. All I meant was that reviews make us writers work/post faster! But not this time, I'm really on leave lol.
Go read my book! Growing Pains by A. A. Achibane.
Chapter 16
"In an age of hope men looked up at the night sky and saw "the heavens." In an age of hopelessness they call it simply "space."
― Peter Kreeft
After the group stopped fawning and falling over her, she got Mamoru's location out of them, finding him a short distance away from the group alone. He was still in his tuxedo, his cape and mask sitting next to him on the ground as he watched the sunset. It was as if he was in a daze, not twitching as she walked up behind him, only reacting when she swung in front of him.
He tried to jump up, but she stopped him, placing a hand in the air above him. "I think you have a lot of things to explain to me."
Sitting back, Mamoru leaned backward and sat back on his hands. "What do you want to know?"
"How about...who are you?"
Usagi crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to keep the loud pounding of her heart against her ribs from reaching Mamoru's ears. "I am Chiba Mamoru, Prince Endymion of Earth and Tuxedo Kamen."
Her head swam, "Talk about your identity crisis." He chuckled but kept his eyes to the snow below them. "And you...helped Beryl for a time?!"
Mamoru's eyes found hers but only for a second before casting them back to the horizon. "Something tells me, you know the answer to that."
"So it's true? Did you make Youma for them? Hurt people?"
He jumped to his feet, pacing in front of her now. "Yes, it's true, and yes, I made Youma, but I NEVER hurt anyone. I'm sure your precious Senshi neglected to mention this, but the ones I made came with a self-destruct. Touch just one person or get touched, and they imploded."
"But...why? Why help them at all?"
"To help you!" Usagi froze, Mamoru's eyes piercing hers. "It may have been the wrong choice, but I did it to find an antidote for you. To wake you up!"
"Why didn't you just...tell the Senshi that?"
He huffed, "The Senshi. I trust them as far as I can throw them; why would I tell them anything."
"You weren't there that night either!!! How can you blame them, all of them, for something you did as well?!" Usagi's frustration with this was at an end and had her saying things she was sure she would regret...later.
"When I felt you transform, I was on the other side of town. I...I moved as fast as I could. But I still wasn't fast enough." Mamoru flipped his head up and grimaced at her. "And when I got there, Mercury and Mars were just getting there too. Even though, a little later, when I figured out who they were, I knew they could have gotten there long before me. You were covered in blood, and guilt was all over their faces."
"Jupiter, Venus, Uranus, Neptune. You hold the same disdain for them…."
"Because they failed you once before already! And that I have every right to be mad at them for!"
Usagi watched him, watched Mamoru pace while she tried to rein herself in. "What are you talking about? I never met any of them until now."
"You have; you just don't remember."
Her head was starting to pound, pressing her fingers to her temples in hopes of fighting it off for a bit longer. "Okay, so Tuxedo Kamen is...sort of explained. So now tell me about this whole Prince of the Earth business."
"What is there to tell. That's part of who I am, Endymion, Prince of the Earth."
"So...you are the Prince of the Earth, and I am...the Moon Princess?" Mamoru looked at Usagi almost expectantly, and she released a sigh of anguish in return. "What does any of that mean??!!"
"It...doesn't mean anything."
Now she was pacing, the snow crunching under her feet. "None of this makes sense. Not you helping Beryl or being a Prince and not me being some Lunar Goddess."
"Yes, it does, and you know it. You just don't want to."
She stopped, throwing her hands out wide in a show of frustration. "Yes, I do! Why else am I asking if I don't want to know??!!"
"Because you're scared."
Usagi felt like her eyes might pop out; she looked at him with such fury. "Are you trying to insult me right now??"
"NO! No, I'm not, but, Usagi, all of this makes sense if you stop fighting it!!"
Planting her face in her hands, Usagi willed the pieces to fall into place for it to make sense, but it still refused. Hands dug into her hair, peeling it back from her face, sliding across her scalp until they landed at the back of her head and pulled it back out of her palms. "Being a Prince and Princess...it just means we are meant to help one another. And I blame the Senshi for their shortcomings just as I blame myself for mine."
"I think you blame yourself and them too harshly."
He fumbled slightly and then rested his hands at the base of her neck in her strands. "Maybe. But I had to watch you die, Usagi."
"I didn't die; I'm right here."
"….Yeah."
Usagi begged her mouth to ask the next question she had, asking if she was the girl, the one Mamoru left behind. The one he was in love with. But even with everything she had learned today, it seemed the most improbable of all, and so Usagi's heart forced her mouth shut.
"Nephrite stayed in the city. Plans to help clean it up and rid it of any remaining Youma even though we told him you wiped them all out."
She nodded, keeping her eyes to her hands on his chest, staring at the lapels of his coat. "What about the people? The ones on Beryl's side?"
"They will be handled another time."
She looked up at him with his words, gaging his meaning of how the people would be handled. Mamoru's hands were still in Usagi's hair, and it was easy to think that the way he was looking at her had nothing to do with the fading light around them. "So...now what?"
She watched as his brows furrowed for a minute, looking as if Mamoru had no clue as to what she meant. But then his face cleared, a seriousness hardening it. "Now we rest and figure out getting to Berlin."
At the thought of 'rest', she felt Mamoru's power through his touch on her, checking to see how much he had or didn't have. He chuckled lightly, "I'm fine, Usako."
Her eyes went wide for a second until he probed her back, feeling the light touch of his searching her for the first time. And she understood instantly.
Without another word between them, they strolled, hand in hand even though it wasn't needed, back to the rest of the group. The fire roared between them, and everyone now sat around it, a slight hush falling over them. The night sky twinkled above them, their breaths coming out in small white puffs. As cold as it was, everyone still stuck to the outdoors. Years spent underground; no one even wanted to try sleeping inside the bunker for one night.
Tuxedo Kamen was gone, Mamoru letting his transformation drop as they walked; he stood over the group. Their eyes drifted up to him one at a time, and the civilians (that knew Mamoru better than Usagi thought she had) stiffened.
"Damnit Chiba-san, Prince of the whole goddamned Earth and Tuxedo Kamen?? Can't you give the rest of us even a sliver of a chance at being cool?"
Mamoru chuckled, Tark still glaring at him as if his question held any seriousness to it. "Sorry, Tark, can't help who I am."
Matsouri eyes were dancing between the two of them, a curious look on his face. "So...is this the part of the mission where you fill us in Chiba-san?"
Mamoru pulled her around, finding an open seat for the two of them, a log someone had pulled over like a bench at their backs. "Haven't you guys figured all of it out yet??"
Even with all they had been through together and the sincere looks on all their faces, Mamoru still managed to sound irritated. He still wanted to keep Usagi a secret. "I think I know, what with Sailor Uranus and Neptune here now."
The couple looked over at Turner, giving him a warning glance but remaining silent. Usagi's breath nearly left her completely when Yega looked right at her and opened his mouth. "The only person those two would ever follow would be Sailor Moon."
A few seemed as shocked as her, Mamoru not being one of them, of course. She wasn't sure if it was because of the words spoken or that the words had come from Yega. "But….Sailor Moon is dead...right??"
Even though it was Utena who had asked, everyone looked at Usagi for the answer. Releasing a big, tense breath, Usagi shrugged, "I wasn't dead. I just took a very long nap."
Everyone was silent, save for Haruka, who chuckled in the corner. Then, for some reason, Saori looked mad. "Prove it."
"Excuse me??" Rei was practically screeching at the woman.
"We all know Sailor Moon is dead. And although I won't pretend that you aren't special, that you are just like Mamoru and the Senshi with powers, I won't believe that Sailor Moon is alive and well until you show her to me."
Keeping their eyes locked on one another, Usagi met Saori's glare without fear. "I can't."
Another hush fell over the group, Michiru's whispers to Haruka the only sound next to the popping of the fire.
"Okay, I have to ask then…." Turner, never afraid to break the silence. "What is the deal with your hair?"
"I have to admit, that is a pretty interesting trick." Mary was clouded with curiosity. Much better than the broken woman she was in the cage.
Fred, who had been silent for far too long, looked like he might burst. "Is it what I think it is??"
Their eyes were all bright, only Saori looking disinterested and beaten; Usagi felt she couldn't refuse them. Her hand slowly dipped into her pocket, Mamoru's arm slinging around her shoulder for support, and pulled out her Luna pen to show them.
"Shit! It is what I thought it was!!!" Fred looked like he was going to pass out.
Their eyes all glazed over, even Saori's, and Usagi glanced over at Mamoru. "Does everyone know about my tricks?"
He shrugged, not taking his eyes from the flickering fire. "A bit of….lore might have made it out to the public."
"Can we see you use it?"
"It's not a parlor trick!" Matsuri blanched, and even Tark shuddered from Haruka's roar, the woman showing an awful lot of defensiveness for Usagi. Especially given Uranus's cool attitude to her yesterday. On her feet, Haruka looked down at Usagi. "Show and tell is over; we should all go to bed."
She held out a hand to Usagi to help her to her feet and take her back into the bunker. "Actually, I'd rather sleep out here too."
Michiru, with stunning teal hair -clearly Neptune- appeared just behind Haruka with a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder. "You would be more comfortable and safe inside with us, Princess."
Looking back at the bunker, the memory of waking up there less than an hour ago had a shiver running down her spine. "We'll be fine out here. Some of us have already spent too much time underground." Mamoru answered for Usagi, pulling her closer to his side.
Haruka looked like she had more to say to Mamoru, but Neptune pulled her away, the two of them disappearing inside until Haruka pulled back the curtain on one of the few windows, glaring back at the group.
Everyone whispered, getting their sleep rolls out and readying for bed. Usagi did the same, Rei, Ami, and Makoto rounding around her with their beds, so she was circled. Toki and Mamoru set theirs up across from them, so she had a clear view of Mamoru when she laid down.
The fire still roared near them, and everyone slowly grew silent; the only ones still awake were those on watch duty. And herself.
She watched the stars above her, the trees surrounding them blocking some from sight, but it was the first good clear night that had nothing else stopping her view. And the moon hung brightly above. Usagi felt like it had been ages since she had seen it, and it had been. Even if, in her mind, she only remembered it being over a month.
Eyes were watching her, she could feel it, but it didn't cause alarm—just comfort.
Twisting and rolling, Usagi found the dark blue eyes wide open and awake and looking at her just as she knew they were.
No signal, no words. Usagi got out of her bedroll, crept over to Mamoru's, and got in all while he held it open for her. He held her tight without reserve, just as he had when they were alone in the farmhouse. No longer did they need to be close for necessity, for safety. This time they did it because it was what they truly wanted. The knowledge of that, Mamoru's arms around Usagi and pressing her back tight to his chest had her heart swelling.
Mamoru's face was in her neck, using his nose to push her hair out of his way before resting his head in the crook of her neck. "Goodnight, Usako."
A calm settled over her, one like Usagi had never felt before. Even before the world went to hell and she slept soundly in her room. "Goodnight, Mamo."
He squeezed her, approving of her nickname for him. Usagi's eyes drifted close, letting Mamoru's warmth and heartbeat at her back lull her to sleep.
oOo
It was a strange sensation, becoming aware of her surroundings, the mist, the fog, and the mingling of emotions Usagi only felt here, instantly remembering her time and the time spent outside. All of that, she was used to. But, she wasn't used to knowing immediately where her mystery man was as soon as she was aware—this time, knowing where he was because he had his arms wrapped around her.
He still held Usagi from behind, not allowing her to see him. His face burrowed into her neck while his fist clenched the material of her dress at her stomach; she had little choice but to be still. Usagi let her hands rest on top of his, and her head flop back onto his shoulder, the crushing weight of her sorrow making her feel weak.
Hearing her whimpers, he stiffened. "Serenity? What's wrong?"
She very nearly ripped his hands off of her, asking such a stupid question. Instead, Usagi pulled her head off of him and got as far away as she could. "What's wrong? What's not wrong? I thought I could handle this...this not knowing. And the guilt, god the guilt."
"Serenity…"
"You know you call me that, and yet that name means nothing to me??"
"Usako…"
She shrugged at him, trying to pull away. "That's even worse!"
"You don't like that name?" He genuinely sounded confused by this.
A sob escaped, even as Usagi held onto it like hell. "Yes...because it's what he calls me. Mamoru. And being here with you while being there with him….the guilt is killing me."
"I thought you said you could love both of us?"
Removing her hands from his, Usagi covered her face, hoping to press the tears back so they couldn't fall. "When I'm awake...I don't remember, and it's easier. But then I'm here, and I remember. Remember you and what I have done with him. It was easy. When he wasn't so….and I thought he didn't care…..but now."
"Usagi...I never want to cause you pain. Maybe it's better if...if I go…."
Her hands slapped back to his, clawing at him to keep him from leaving. "God no, I can't lose you." Her heart felt as if splitting in two, and it was not pleasant, her head spinning in confusion. "It doesn't even make sense, I don't even know who you are, and yet I do. Arrgg, I hate this!!"
Usagi's roar bounced off the walls until it faded to nothing, the silence surrounding them. He slowly started to pull away, and she struggled to breathe; each inch he slipped away felt like it ripped at her heart. "I guess it's time then."
She was scared, more than she ever had been in her life, not wanting to know what it was time for because she had a feeling it meant time for him to leave her forever.
His hands made it to her shoulders, the last part of him touching her before he drifted away again. But instead of slipping off into nothing, they gripped her tight. Then, in a blur, he spun her around, and he didn't disappear. Even with Usagi's eyes clouded with tears, she could still see who he was, Mamoru's dark locks falling gently into his blue eyes. Her joy stunned her, the pain she felt melting away like ice thrown into a fire, hissing in its release.
Without thought, she whipped her hand to grip the back of his neck, pulling his face to hers and crushing them together. It took a second, but Mamoru's arms wound around Usagi, hers going around his neck, the two of them working in tandem to deepen the kiss. She had never kissed anyone before but found it easier than she thought it would be, the two of them trading lips back and forth as they placed either the top or bottom lip inside their mouth.
One of Mamoru's hands found its way up Usagi's back to the base of her head, tilting her back for more access to her mouth. Flames ignited inside her, and for once, they weren't the happy ones, the kind that stirred up butterflies as well. No, this was a whole other type of flame.
She pushed back on his shoulders hard; the pop of their lips as they released echoed out -evidence of how little either of them wanted to stop. But her anger couldn't allow any more petting. "Why didn't you tell me?!" Usagi smacked Mamoru's shoulder before he could respond, his arms still holding her close to him. "You should have told me! A long time ago!!!"
Even with her smacks, he didn't let go. "I couldn't tell you! It would just confuse both of us!"
"Like how I was confused? Loving you and….you!!"
"And every time you woke up, I made sure you didn't remember so that it wouldn't hurt you."
"But it did!! I may not remember why but I still have guilt! You almost let it eat me alive! All so you could keep your stupid, little secret!"
His hand flew to her cheek, effectively silencing and stilling her as Mamoru cupped Usagi's face. "You still don't know everything. And if you did, you would understand!"
"Then tell me. Explain it."
He shook his head, Mamoru's gaze dropping from her eyes and his hand dropping to her shoulder. "I can't. It doesn't work that way."
Grabbing his shirt, Usagi pulled Mamoru into her, resting her head on his. "Do you know how frustrating that is?"
His head nodded against hers. "It's just as hard for me as it's for you, trust me."
"I trust you."
He lifted his head slowly, pushing hers up with it until their noses were touching, side by side. "I know you do."
His lips gently probed hers, pressing against them and pulling away. When Usagi didn't move, he did it repeatedly, adding more pressure each time until his hand pushed at the base of her skull again. Now his lips didn't just press to Usagi's; they sucked at them, pulling them back into his mouth and in between his teeth. His saliva covered her lips, but she wanted more, sliding her tongue across as she let it slip out of her mouth. Tongues dancing, Mamoru had his embracing Usagi's before she had made from one side of his mouth to the other.
When his mouth left hers, she was panting, her heart beating so hard and fast it was making it hard to breathe. "Mamo, we still have a lot to discuss."
He was cutting a trail from her mouth down to her shoulder, his lips barely leaving her skin to speak. "I know. But you started this, and now I'm struggling to stop."
His hand still on her spine and lower back, holding her steady, she fisted the material on the back of his shirt. When his caresses landed on her collarbone, the moan she released surprised both of them. It was then and there that she decided, questions could wait until next time.
oOo
Her lips felt weird and tingly like they were swollen. But she left them alone, not wanting to move even to check them. Usagi woke to strange surroundings other than her lips, her vision clearing to find Mamoru's chest in front of her. She must have turned in her sleep just like the last time. Only Usagi wasn't the first to wake this time, Mamoru propped up on his arm and whispering to Toki behind her.
"Don't you feel like an ass now? Cause if you don't, you really should."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sorry, man, I lost it a little there."
"A little?"
"But, I'm proud of you, standing up for yourself and Usa as you did. You're a brave man."
"Oh please, like you would ever hurt me, Mamoru."
Usagi couldn't see it, but with the way the rest of his body shifted, she was sure Mamoru was shaking his head at Toki. "Yeah, I would never hurt you. But Endymion is a different story. If he thought you were a threat to Serenity, he might take over and kill you."
"Isn't that super weird? Essentially having two people living inside you?"
Mamoru shrugged, "Yeah, but, after three years, we have come to understand one another. Hence why I can use Endymion's powers, and he doesn't just come out, claim the Earth as his and Serenity as his bride."
She shivered, and Mamoru pulled the bedroll a little tighter around her shoulders. "How exactly have you kept him from doing that exactly?"
"It hasn't been easy, trust me, especially with Usagi running headfirst into danger too many times to count. It's a lot like a caged lion inside of me. As long as I keep it fed and happy, he either naps or walks the cage. And the only way to keep Endymion sedated and happy is Serenity."
"If that's the case, why haven't you told Usagi anything about that yet?"
She felt Mamoru jerk, probably giving Toki a stern look. "It's not her fault or responsibility to keep Endymion in check; it's mine. And I have been doing just fine without her."
"Yeah, except for that whole business of you helping Beryl. All so Endymion could find an antidote and wake up his Serenity. Did you ever think that maybe if you told the Senshi all that, that you weren't even technically you that whole time, they would cut you some slack?"
Mamoru shook again, shaking his head at Toki. "It wouldn't make a difference. They hate Endymion more than they hate Tuxedo Kamen. It would have probably just made it all worse. On the bright side, though, it put Endymion in his place when he failed. Even though that hurt most of all."
"They hate you, and yet, they follow you?"
"With Serenity...gone, I'm their leader. And being Endymion gave me Luna's respect, even after I told her I was Tuxedo Kamen. She still trusted me more than the Senshi, and that is saying a lot. That helped get the Senshi to listen to me, but knowing my dedication is what sealed the deal. They hate me, but they know I'm right and the best choice most of the time."
Footsteps settled near them, Utena's soft voice floating down to her. "My shift is up."
Mamoru carefully started to detach himself from her, and she was just about to reach out for him when Ami whispered behind her. "I got it. You need more rest. Both of you."
He shifted, and Usagi flinched when she felt Mamoru's eyes on her, freezing in a pointless attempt to keep her aware state from being noticed. She could hear Toki getting up as well, muttering something about space before leaving with Ami. Mamoru settled back down in front of Usagi, his eyes finding hers in seconds.
"How long have you been awake?"
She shied away as much as the confines of the bedroll would allow. "Not long."
Mamoru sighed deeply, his breath washing over her neck as he directed it out of her face. "Guess that means you heard more than enough. That's not very polite, Usagi."
"Neither is lying to me." He was silent and grave, but he still dug his hands deeper into her warmth, gently pulling Usagi closer to him. "So...Endymion is….inside of you?"
"Think of him as….another personality. That when things get too….wild, he tends to pop out."
"And...he was the one that made you go to Beryl?"
"Yes. But I would have gone as Mamoru too." He didn't hesitate in his answers, making Usagi squirm a little under his gaze.
"That was awfully silly and dangerous of you."
He huffed, "Says the girl who walked into a tornado yesterday. I wouldn't have to do these crazy and dangerous things if you didn't do them first."
"Ah, so it's my fault then?"
"Yes….and no. You know, Serenity lives inside of you just as Endymion lives in me."
Usagi fidgeted, not sure how to feel about this information, but didn't want him to stop sharing it either. "She does?"
He nodded, "She is just asleep."
"How do I get her to wake up?"
"...I don't know."
She had a feeling that was a lie. "How did you get Endymion to wake up?"
Mamoru hesitated again, his body tensing while the gears in his mind worked. Maybe it was because he was tired, or Usagi just recognized the signs better now, but she was pretty sure he was about to lie to her again. "It's different for everyone. Ask your Senshi if you really want to know."
She hadn't even thought about it, talking to them about all of this because she knew that Mamoru was the one with all the answers, not them. The Senshi had enough going on, what with finding her alive, keeping her alive and secret, and dealing with crazed ex-lovers. Usagi didn't want to put one more thing on their shoulders like her confusion.
She needed to know one more thing, and she knew for sure Mamoru was the only one who could answer it. "Mamo, are you ever going to give me my henshin?" The small smile he got from her nickname faded while his eyes grew wide. "I know you have it; you basically said so yourself. Luna trusts you more than the Senshi. That and you said Luna brought me to you. She told me that it was in safe hands and that I would get it when the time was right. So when is the right time, Mamo? When are you going to let me be Sailor Moon again?"
He was silent, studying her face long after she had stopped speaking, and she waited. "Do you trust me, Usako?" Mamoru waited but not long as Usagi nodded firmly back at him. "Then trust me to know when the right time is. Not that you need it, you are Sailor Moon even without it. Just like me, you don't need your henshin to have your powers."
He was right; Usagi's henshin was more like a baby blanket at this point, her powers bubbling up out of her without a transformation. "I just wish….I could give people hope. Sailor Moon would do that."
Mamoru gave her a squeeze, "You already do that, Usako. Everyone at the Stronghold gave you strange looks because of the hope you gave me, Shingo, and Motoki. Don't tell me you didn't notice?"
She giggled, "Yeah, but I didn't think you did. Did you see the weird looks people gave when you laughed? What was THAT about?"
"That's because...only you make me laugh, Usako. None of them had ever heard it before."
"But…"
He tugged her, silencing her. "Only you. Tell me you didn't notice that either."
"I...I didn't."
His forehead and nose pressed against hers, leaning his face into hers. "No one makes me happy like you do, Usako."
She had her eyes closed, but it did nothing to slow her heart down. "You sure have a funny way of showing it."
"I know, and I wish I could say I was sorry about that. But I'm not because it still got you to talk to me. And you are...ridiculously adorable when you are mad."
Usagi opened up one eye to peek at him, finding him doing the same and a blush on his cheeks that matched hers as well. "You picked on me to get my attention? What are you? A five-year-old trapped in a twenty-three-year-old's body??"
Mamoru chuckled, a sound she now knew he only made for her, and it caused her heart to flutter around even as he pulled back from her. "Okay. No more questions. Sleep."
"But, Mamo…"
"Nope. I can't do much more, Usako. I made it six years restraining myself and waiting, and it took you no time at all to shred my resolve. I can't take much more without consequences."
She wasn't sure what he was talking about anymore. Mamoru must have been tired. "I just want to ask one more thing. While I still can. While it's still just you and me." He sighed, his closed eyes popping back open in silent approval. "You said you didn't deserve me…."
"I still don't."
"Mamo…"
He gave in again, pulling her into his chest. "But, I don't seem to be strong enough to let you go."
Blood was rushing around in her ears, and it felt like her stomach could take flight. The butterflies that swarmed in it now. "I...I never asked you to. To let me go. I don't...want you to."
He rested his chin on top of her head, his hands gripping the sweater she was sleeping in tightly in his fist. "You are killing me tonight, Usako. Sleep. Please. Or we won't get any at all."
Usagi closed her eyes, letting herself relax into Mamoru, not telling him that sleep was the last thing on her mind at the moment.