Dating for Dummies
Disclaimer: *curls into fetal position and cries* So the title isn't mine and . . .and the characters aren't mine . . . And-and the story plot isn't *totally* mine . . .*tears streaming down face* I'm sorry, okay? It's all yours!
SUMMARY: Buffy, who has been dateless for a LONG while, makes up a boyfriend to keep everyone from feeling sorry for her & from setting her up with Riley. Everything goes well until her "boyfriend" is asked to make an appearance at her sister's wedding. What is she gonna do?!?!? Somewhat based on the book "Asking for Trouble" by Elizabeth Young. I took some of her ideas, mwuahahaha! And borrowed some ideas from "Must love dogs," by Claire Cook. Hehehe . . .Ah yes. And I might use a scene from "See Jane Date" too . . .*wink*
A/N: Hello, darlings! *crying* Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! You're all so sweet! Thanks for reading this story too. It means soooo much!
To artemis66, go right on ahead. If you want to use one, feel free . . .UNLESS you want it because you want to make fun of me. *sniffles* That just wouldn't be cool. Hmph. BUT! If it's for a good cause. . .Go ahead. *nudges* Just give me a little credit . . .*giggles* Exactly what WAS the quote . . .? If you don't mind me asking . . .
Oh! And I APOLOZIGE a THOUSAND times. PLEASE forgive me for not updating the day I said I was. I had gone to my grandma's house and I was planning on updating my story there, but I forgot my floppy disc at home. ARGH! I was so mad. I saw all the reviews and then I felt terrible that I couldn't update when I said I would. Please forgive me . . .=(
SOOOO. . .Since I broke my promise and I feel absolutely guilty about it . . .I've made this chapter longer than the rest. So, I hope this makes up for it. *wink*
& * & * & * & * &
"Mom!"
Silence.
"Mooooom!" I drawled out the word.
More silence.
"MOM!" I demanded.
Complete silence.
"Mom, if you don't answer me right now-"
BEEEEEEEEEP.
I heard the dial and glared at it.
"Mom . . ." I whined, "Hmph." I can't believe she hung up on me! I slammed the phone onto the coffee table and angrily crossed my arms over my chest.
My dog started whining and I turned to look at his worried eyes. Patting his hair, I cooed in fake enthusiasm, "I'm going out with a big ogre tomorrow!" I slumped and sunk into the cushion, "Great . . ."
& * & * & * & * &
"I thought we were going out?"
"Isn't this going out?" Riley asked quizzically.
I gave him an astonished look and raised my eyebrows, "Riley, when one says they're," I put my fingers in the air, making air quotes, "'going out', it usually consists of going somewhere to eat . . .Not going out in their car and delivering pizza."
Riley playfully rolled his eyes at me, "We *are* eating, silly. There's some pizza in the back."
I finally let my temper explode, "Riley! That's the pizza you're delivering to the costumers!"
He snorted, "They won't notice." He shrugged, "Besides . . .We're on a date. They should understand."
I massaged my temples and turned away from him, staring out the window, "Riley . . .You-"
I tried to think of something that wouldn't hurt his feelings. He looked at me with hopeful eyes as he waited for what I was about to say. I almost felt sorry for him and was about to say he was a wonderful delivery boy, but then I saw the drool that was seeping through the corner of his mouth as he stared *hopefully* at my breasts and rolled my eyes, " . . .are a moron."
He idiotically chuckled, his nose wrinkling non-too-attractively at the same time, "You're so funny."
He put a hand over mine. Ew! No greasy hands on me, PLEASE! I snatched it away before they came in contact with my bare skin.
He looked at me (or should I say, "my breasts") with admiration. "You see, that's what I like about you."
His hand crept toward my seat and his hand landed sloppily on my leg. I grimaced and proceeded to peel his wrist off with my index finger and thumb, but I realized his hand was a bit heavier than I expected and I ended up using both my hands to throw the heavy weight off of me.
I rolled my eyes and scooted as far away from the driver's seat as I could and snorted.
"What exactly do you like about me? I can't really tell. Do you like my humor . . .or is it my breasts that you like more?" I muttered sarcastically.
Riley smiled, displaying his rotten, yellow teeth and I could smell the evil stench from my position. I plugged my nose with my fingers, resisting my the reflex of gagging. I desperately wanted to get out this date. It was terrible.
Riley turned into a street and came up to a driveway. He parked the car and turned to look at me.
Oh my God! This isn't his house, is it? What the hell am I doing at his house? Oh, shit! I cannot be going into Riley Finn's house! This is disgusting! Oh my God . . .Get me out of here. Get me out of here.
"I like you, Buffy. I really do . . ." The door of the house swung open and a teenage girl stood at the threshold. She was a holding a bowl of popcorn and her parents could be seen sitting on the living room couch while they watched TV.
Thank God! My heartbeat returned to it's regular rhythm. I forgot he was delivering pizza there for a second.
Riley continued, "I like you a lot, to tell you the truth and I'd really-"
"Oh, look! Your customers are a-waitin'!" I stopped the long speech that I bet he had planned out and pointed to the open door, "They must've seen you in the window. You better give them their pizzas!" I turned around and shoved the pizza boxes at him, practically pushing him out the door, "Shoo, now. Go! GO!"
He nodded stupidly, "Right. Business first," he paused and stared intensely at me, "Pleasure later . . ." He licked his lips and blew me a kiss. He showed off his strength by holding the three pizza boxes in one hand, lifting them up above his head as it clearly revealed the sweat marks under his arm.
"Ew." I shivered. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it had only been fifteen minutes in on our "date" and I already wanted to go home. I pouted, passing the time by conjuring up fantasies of Riley somehow slipping on a piece of ice or muddy grass, accidentally injuring his arms and breaking a leg or two . . .then maybe having a dog jump out of nowhere and chew his penis off, thinking it was a Vienna sausage. Do you know how small Vienna sausages are?
I watched as he headed back to the car and grinned and winked at me.
God, this was gonna be a LONG day.
& * & * & * & * &
"God, Wills! It was horrible!" I drank a sip of my cola and laid down on the couch. I shut my eyes and nuzzled the fur of my dogs hair.
She laughed and sat on the floor, bowl of popcorn resting on her lap, "It couldn't have been that bad."
I opened one eye, "That bad? That *bad*?" I sat up and threw my arms in the air, "Wills! He's a total perv!"
My dog barked at that.
"See? Even Spike agrees." We both laughed as I played with my dog's ears and his tail wagged.
Willow patted his head and cooed, "Aren't you just the cutie? Yes, you are! Yes you are!" She turned her attention to me, "It's so cool how you finally got a pet. He's so adorable!"
I sighed, "Yeah, I know." I pouted, "I just wish my mom would let me have him. Thank God she knows nothing about him living with us. Do you know how mad she'd get about having a pet in my house? In my *bed*?"
Willow rolled her eyes and agreed, "I know." She scratched behind his ear, "No offence, but your mom is totally . . ." She paused and searched for her words.
"Crazy?" I suggested. She nodded. "Yeah. My mom tends to think that any animal is dirty." I looked at Spike, "But you're not dirty, are you?" He barked and we both giggled.
I leaned back on the couch and sighed, "But anyways. Mom is probably gonna set up another play date with Riley again. Ugh!" I screamed into a pillow.
Willow looked at me in sympathy and munched on some popcorn, "I don't know why you put up with her." She shook her head and took a sip of coke.
I sighed and put the pillow on my lap, "Well, she's my mom. I kind of *have* to put up with her."
She shook her head, "No, I mean. About the dating stuff."
I frowned, "What do you mean?"
Willow swallowed some popcorn and explained, "Why don't you just tell her you can't see anyone?"
I rolled my eyes, "Willow, she already knows about how 'I can't date anyone cause I'm not ready yet'. I already told her a million times and that sentence *still* hasn't sunk into her brain yet."
She shook her head, "Fine. Don't tell her you can't date because you're not ready. But that's not what I meant when I said you can't see anyone."
"Huh?" I gave her a confused look.
She shrugged and said simply, "Just make up a boyfriend."
My mouth dropped open in shock, "Make up . . .Make up a-" My mouth opened and closed, "I can't do that! Willow! What happened to the girl I knew back in school. You know, that shy, innocent girl-"
"Ha ha. But I'm serious. Just make up a boyfriend. It's simple." She shrugged and she turned back to the TV.
& * & * & * & * &
I thought about Willow's suggestion a lot over the weeks that went by. And during those weeks, my mom still called, asking if I had a boyfriend.
I weighed the pro's and con's of Willow's suggestion.
It wouldn't be that bad if I told a little white lie. It would get my mom off my back. It would stop me from dating Riley, too. That was TOTALLY a plus!
And I could make my "boyfriend" as anyone I'd want him to be. His personality would be in my hands. I could make him a doctor, a lawyer, a business man. I could make him the perfect boyfriend and my mom would be happy and show off my boyfriend to Mrs. Jenkins. Everyone in my family would stop feeling sorry for me . . .
Ring! Ring!
"Hello?"
"Hi, dear. It's your mother."
I balanced the phone between my head and shoulder as I made scrambled eggs.
"How's your job?"
I sighed, "It's going good." My dog trotted into the room, sniffing at the stove.
"That's good. It's a nice job you have. You enjoy it, don't you?"
I shrugged as I moved the eggs around on the pan, "Yeah. I like being a waitress. . .For now at least."
"That's good." I waited for the inevitable question that she was building up to.
She cleared her throat, "So. . . how is everyone?" I looked at my pet and scratched his ears.
"Everyone's doing fine." I replied, smiling at Spike.
"And Riley?" Spike snorted and I stifled a giggle.
"He's . . ." Uh . . .He's a pervert! "Good." I said instead. My dog walked in a circle and laid by my feet.
Her voice immediately got perky, "Oh! Great! So would you like to go on another date soon?"
"No-"
"Great!"
I yelled at her before she hung up, "MOM!" Spike's head shot up and looked up at me.
"Geez, dear. You don't have to shout." Mom scolded.
I rolled my eyes, "Sorry . . .But mom. I can't go on a date with him."
"Why not?" Mom asked.
"Because . . ." I bit my lip.
"Because . . .?" Mom encouraged.
No more Riley . . .No more pity . . .No more calls from mom telling how Mrs. Jenkins daughter is doing better than me . . .
"I'm seeing someone." It was shocking how easily that slipped from my lips.
I could almost see my mom pressing her ear closer to the phone's earpiece, "REALLY?!?"
"Yeah." Wow. That wasn't so hard at all.
"Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie! What's his name?"
I frowned. Shoot. I didn't think of that
What's his name? What should his name be? I racked my brain for an answer.
"Dear? Are you still there?" My mom asked, worriedly.
"Um yeah . . .still here."
"So, what's his name?" I looked around the room and tried to think of a name. Eggs. . .Edgar? Water. . .Walter? No.
"Are you sure you're dating somebody?" Mom started to sound doubtful.
My eyes landed on my dog whose eyes were staring back at me.
Oh, what the heck.
"Honey? What's his name?"
After a long pause, I finally replied.
"Spike. His name is Spike."
& * & * & * & * &
A/N: Ok . . .I hope that was long enough. *crosses fingers* I mean, I wrote 6 pages. So, I'm hoping that was long enough. *giggles* lol Am I forgiven now? *puppy dog eyes*
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!
Please be kind and review. =) Come on now. I get inspiration and motivation from reviews . . .
Disclaimer: *curls into fetal position and cries* So the title isn't mine and . . .and the characters aren't mine . . . And-and the story plot isn't *totally* mine . . .*tears streaming down face* I'm sorry, okay? It's all yours!
SUMMARY: Buffy, who has been dateless for a LONG while, makes up a boyfriend to keep everyone from feeling sorry for her & from setting her up with Riley. Everything goes well until her "boyfriend" is asked to make an appearance at her sister's wedding. What is she gonna do?!?!? Somewhat based on the book "Asking for Trouble" by Elizabeth Young. I took some of her ideas, mwuahahaha! And borrowed some ideas from "Must love dogs," by Claire Cook. Hehehe . . .Ah yes. And I might use a scene from "See Jane Date" too . . .*wink*
A/N: Hello, darlings! *crying* Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! You're all so sweet! Thanks for reading this story too. It means soooo much!
To artemis66, go right on ahead. If you want to use one, feel free . . .UNLESS you want it because you want to make fun of me. *sniffles* That just wouldn't be cool. Hmph. BUT! If it's for a good cause. . .Go ahead. *nudges* Just give me a little credit . . .*giggles* Exactly what WAS the quote . . .? If you don't mind me asking . . .
Oh! And I APOLOZIGE a THOUSAND times. PLEASE forgive me for not updating the day I said I was. I had gone to my grandma's house and I was planning on updating my story there, but I forgot my floppy disc at home. ARGH! I was so mad. I saw all the reviews and then I felt terrible that I couldn't update when I said I would. Please forgive me . . .=(
SOOOO. . .Since I broke my promise and I feel absolutely guilty about it . . .I've made this chapter longer than the rest. So, I hope this makes up for it. *wink*
& * & * & * & * &
"Mom!"
Silence.
"Mooooom!" I drawled out the word.
More silence.
"MOM!" I demanded.
Complete silence.
"Mom, if you don't answer me right now-"
BEEEEEEEEEP.
I heard the dial and glared at it.
"Mom . . ." I whined, "Hmph." I can't believe she hung up on me! I slammed the phone onto the coffee table and angrily crossed my arms over my chest.
My dog started whining and I turned to look at his worried eyes. Patting his hair, I cooed in fake enthusiasm, "I'm going out with a big ogre tomorrow!" I slumped and sunk into the cushion, "Great . . ."
& * & * & * & * &
"I thought we were going out?"
"Isn't this going out?" Riley asked quizzically.
I gave him an astonished look and raised my eyebrows, "Riley, when one says they're," I put my fingers in the air, making air quotes, "'going out', it usually consists of going somewhere to eat . . .Not going out in their car and delivering pizza."
Riley playfully rolled his eyes at me, "We *are* eating, silly. There's some pizza in the back."
I finally let my temper explode, "Riley! That's the pizza you're delivering to the costumers!"
He snorted, "They won't notice." He shrugged, "Besides . . .We're on a date. They should understand."
I massaged my temples and turned away from him, staring out the window, "Riley . . .You-"
I tried to think of something that wouldn't hurt his feelings. He looked at me with hopeful eyes as he waited for what I was about to say. I almost felt sorry for him and was about to say he was a wonderful delivery boy, but then I saw the drool that was seeping through the corner of his mouth as he stared *hopefully* at my breasts and rolled my eyes, " . . .are a moron."
He idiotically chuckled, his nose wrinkling non-too-attractively at the same time, "You're so funny."
He put a hand over mine. Ew! No greasy hands on me, PLEASE! I snatched it away before they came in contact with my bare skin.
He looked at me (or should I say, "my breasts") with admiration. "You see, that's what I like about you."
His hand crept toward my seat and his hand landed sloppily on my leg. I grimaced and proceeded to peel his wrist off with my index finger and thumb, but I realized his hand was a bit heavier than I expected and I ended up using both my hands to throw the heavy weight off of me.
I rolled my eyes and scooted as far away from the driver's seat as I could and snorted.
"What exactly do you like about me? I can't really tell. Do you like my humor . . .or is it my breasts that you like more?" I muttered sarcastically.
Riley smiled, displaying his rotten, yellow teeth and I could smell the evil stench from my position. I plugged my nose with my fingers, resisting my the reflex of gagging. I desperately wanted to get out this date. It was terrible.
Riley turned into a street and came up to a driveway. He parked the car and turned to look at me.
Oh my God! This isn't his house, is it? What the hell am I doing at his house? Oh, shit! I cannot be going into Riley Finn's house! This is disgusting! Oh my God . . .Get me out of here. Get me out of here.
"I like you, Buffy. I really do . . ." The door of the house swung open and a teenage girl stood at the threshold. She was a holding a bowl of popcorn and her parents could be seen sitting on the living room couch while they watched TV.
Thank God! My heartbeat returned to it's regular rhythm. I forgot he was delivering pizza there for a second.
Riley continued, "I like you a lot, to tell you the truth and I'd really-"
"Oh, look! Your customers are a-waitin'!" I stopped the long speech that I bet he had planned out and pointed to the open door, "They must've seen you in the window. You better give them their pizzas!" I turned around and shoved the pizza boxes at him, practically pushing him out the door, "Shoo, now. Go! GO!"
He nodded stupidly, "Right. Business first," he paused and stared intensely at me, "Pleasure later . . ." He licked his lips and blew me a kiss. He showed off his strength by holding the three pizza boxes in one hand, lifting them up above his head as it clearly revealed the sweat marks under his arm.
"Ew." I shivered. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it had only been fifteen minutes in on our "date" and I already wanted to go home. I pouted, passing the time by conjuring up fantasies of Riley somehow slipping on a piece of ice or muddy grass, accidentally injuring his arms and breaking a leg or two . . .then maybe having a dog jump out of nowhere and chew his penis off, thinking it was a Vienna sausage. Do you know how small Vienna sausages are?
I watched as he headed back to the car and grinned and winked at me.
God, this was gonna be a LONG day.
& * & * & * & * &
"God, Wills! It was horrible!" I drank a sip of my cola and laid down on the couch. I shut my eyes and nuzzled the fur of my dogs hair.
She laughed and sat on the floor, bowl of popcorn resting on her lap, "It couldn't have been that bad."
I opened one eye, "That bad? That *bad*?" I sat up and threw my arms in the air, "Wills! He's a total perv!"
My dog barked at that.
"See? Even Spike agrees." We both laughed as I played with my dog's ears and his tail wagged.
Willow patted his head and cooed, "Aren't you just the cutie? Yes, you are! Yes you are!" She turned her attention to me, "It's so cool how you finally got a pet. He's so adorable!"
I sighed, "Yeah, I know." I pouted, "I just wish my mom would let me have him. Thank God she knows nothing about him living with us. Do you know how mad she'd get about having a pet in my house? In my *bed*?"
Willow rolled her eyes and agreed, "I know." She scratched behind his ear, "No offence, but your mom is totally . . ." She paused and searched for her words.
"Crazy?" I suggested. She nodded. "Yeah. My mom tends to think that any animal is dirty." I looked at Spike, "But you're not dirty, are you?" He barked and we both giggled.
I leaned back on the couch and sighed, "But anyways. Mom is probably gonna set up another play date with Riley again. Ugh!" I screamed into a pillow.
Willow looked at me in sympathy and munched on some popcorn, "I don't know why you put up with her." She shook her head and took a sip of coke.
I sighed and put the pillow on my lap, "Well, she's my mom. I kind of *have* to put up with her."
She shook her head, "No, I mean. About the dating stuff."
I frowned, "What do you mean?"
Willow swallowed some popcorn and explained, "Why don't you just tell her you can't see anyone?"
I rolled my eyes, "Willow, she already knows about how 'I can't date anyone cause I'm not ready yet'. I already told her a million times and that sentence *still* hasn't sunk into her brain yet."
She shook her head, "Fine. Don't tell her you can't date because you're not ready. But that's not what I meant when I said you can't see anyone."
"Huh?" I gave her a confused look.
She shrugged and said simply, "Just make up a boyfriend."
My mouth dropped open in shock, "Make up . . .Make up a-" My mouth opened and closed, "I can't do that! Willow! What happened to the girl I knew back in school. You know, that shy, innocent girl-"
"Ha ha. But I'm serious. Just make up a boyfriend. It's simple." She shrugged and she turned back to the TV.
& * & * & * & * &
I thought about Willow's suggestion a lot over the weeks that went by. And during those weeks, my mom still called, asking if I had a boyfriend.
I weighed the pro's and con's of Willow's suggestion.
It wouldn't be that bad if I told a little white lie. It would get my mom off my back. It would stop me from dating Riley, too. That was TOTALLY a plus!
And I could make my "boyfriend" as anyone I'd want him to be. His personality would be in my hands. I could make him a doctor, a lawyer, a business man. I could make him the perfect boyfriend and my mom would be happy and show off my boyfriend to Mrs. Jenkins. Everyone in my family would stop feeling sorry for me . . .
Ring! Ring!
"Hello?"
"Hi, dear. It's your mother."
I balanced the phone between my head and shoulder as I made scrambled eggs.
"How's your job?"
I sighed, "It's going good." My dog trotted into the room, sniffing at the stove.
"That's good. It's a nice job you have. You enjoy it, don't you?"
I shrugged as I moved the eggs around on the pan, "Yeah. I like being a waitress. . .For now at least."
"That's good." I waited for the inevitable question that she was building up to.
She cleared her throat, "So. . . how is everyone?" I looked at my pet and scratched his ears.
"Everyone's doing fine." I replied, smiling at Spike.
"And Riley?" Spike snorted and I stifled a giggle.
"He's . . ." Uh . . .He's a pervert! "Good." I said instead. My dog walked in a circle and laid by my feet.
Her voice immediately got perky, "Oh! Great! So would you like to go on another date soon?"
"No-"
"Great!"
I yelled at her before she hung up, "MOM!" Spike's head shot up and looked up at me.
"Geez, dear. You don't have to shout." Mom scolded.
I rolled my eyes, "Sorry . . .But mom. I can't go on a date with him."
"Why not?" Mom asked.
"Because . . ." I bit my lip.
"Because . . .?" Mom encouraged.
No more Riley . . .No more pity . . .No more calls from mom telling how Mrs. Jenkins daughter is doing better than me . . .
"I'm seeing someone." It was shocking how easily that slipped from my lips.
I could almost see my mom pressing her ear closer to the phone's earpiece, "REALLY?!?"
"Yeah." Wow. That wasn't so hard at all.
"Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie! What's his name?"
I frowned. Shoot. I didn't think of that
What's his name? What should his name be? I racked my brain for an answer.
"Dear? Are you still there?" My mom asked, worriedly.
"Um yeah . . .still here."
"So, what's his name?" I looked around the room and tried to think of a name. Eggs. . .Edgar? Water. . .Walter? No.
"Are you sure you're dating somebody?" Mom started to sound doubtful.
My eyes landed on my dog whose eyes were staring back at me.
Oh, what the heck.
"Honey? What's his name?"
After a long pause, I finally replied.
"Spike. His name is Spike."
& * & * & * & * &
A/N: Ok . . .I hope that was long enough. *crosses fingers* I mean, I wrote 6 pages. So, I'm hoping that was long enough. *giggles* lol Am I forgiven now? *puppy dog eyes*
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!
Please be kind and review. =) Come on now. I get inspiration and motivation from reviews . . .