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41
- don't worry baby -

I wake up to two missed calls and a text from Edward.

Edward: Hey, everything okay? Didn't see you at drop-off earlier.

It's just after eight in the morning. I was up all night with a sick Mikey, who woke up around nine and threw up in his bed. The next eight or so hours were spent between cleaning, more vomit, and keeping him comfortable enough to finally sleep.

I'm exhausted. My poor baby is, too. To make things worse, it's his last day of preschool before summer break, and he's been hyped for their carnival celebration. Mikey was most excited about the goats and cotton candy machine, but now he has to miss out.

Bella: Mikey was throwing up all night, so we're staying home today :(

Edward: Shit, I'm sorry. Do you need anything?

Bella: About six more hours of sleep?

Edward: After I take Seth to the carnival, I can come take care of Mikey while you nap.

Bella: No, no… it's okay. Thank you, though.

Edward: Are you sure? I just miss you anyway and want to see you.

Bella: I'm sure. And I miss you, too.

It's been three weeks since Edward and I removed our wedding bands. A little less than three weeks since Jared threw his at me.

I can't lie—it's been fucking rough. I'm mentally and emotionally drained. Unable to eat most days because I'm so stressed. Of course, I didn't think it'd be easy, but I also hadn't imagined it could be this hard.

My head and heart are at odds with one another. I'm still so in love with Edward, but I know we can't be together right now. We need to deal with our shit. We need to take time to reconcile what went wrong in our marriages. We need to take ownership. Reflect. Need time to heal and move on before we can fully be together the way we want.

He knows this.

I know this.

But it still fucking sucks.

I've had two therapy sessions so far. The first one I cried so much I could barely speak. During the second session, I was able to open up a little about my marriage with Jared. I'm not expecting to be magically healed or to suddenly be granted some insight I didn't have before. I know therapy will take time. But talking helps.

I haven't seen Jared since we had that difficult conversation in my mom's garage, but he texts every few days, mostly late at night. He either sends cruel words that cut me down and must make him feel better in the moment or pleads for us to work this out.

I never reply, and that just makes him angrier. I know he's hurt. I know going behind his back was wrong. But with every passing day, I start to resent him a little more for the ugly way he's treating me.

Earlier this week he randomly showed up at the house because he needed more clothes. I was nervous so I said I had errands to run, and left with Mikey while he was there. He told me I was being stupid and dramatic for avoiding him. I waited longer than necessary to come back, just in case he was still here.

Later that night, he texted me that Edward needs to fucking mind his own goddamn business. I wasn't sure what he was talking about, and when I asked, he said when he was leaving our house, Edward was in his front yard and called out to Jared to keep his fucking hands off of me.

My heart swelled with emotion reading that, loving how fiercely protective Edward was of me. But then my chest deflated when Jared's texts continued all night, accusing me of spreading lies about him hurting me.

They're not lies. I have the pictures to prove it. But deep down, I don't want to have to use those. Whether hurting me was intentional or not, I don't know. But knowing how he intentionally wants to hurt me now makes me equally vengeful.

I desperately hate how quickly he's turning into someone I no longer know. Someone I no longer want to know, but will have to tolerate forever because of our son.

Mikey stirs in my bed now, slowly waking.

He immediately whimpers, and I feel his forehead. He's clammy, his hair damp.

"Momma," he says softly, the sound making my chest ache. "No feel good."

I cuddle him close, knowing I'll likely catch his stomach bug but not caring because he needs this comfort just as much as I do.

He calms, and I try to not think about co-parenting with Jared because the thought makes me feel sick that Mikey might only be with me half of the time. Jared wouldn't even know what to do if his son were ill. Jared wouldn't stay up all night, comforting him, and making sure he was comfortable.

For a split second, I entertain the idea of staying in my marriage just for Mikey alone. Just so he will always be with me, so I'd never have to spend a day without him.

But I can't do that. I can't. It's not sustainable. Edward did that for years with Gianna, and look where it led him, anyway. Years were wasted. Love was delayed. Our happiness was put on the back burner.

I breathe.

Clear my mind.

Mikey and I cuddle and rest for a while. The morning is still with soft light coming through the windows. After the night we've had—and the weeks I've endured—this calm is welcome.

XXX

It's close to two in the afternoon when Mikey dozes on the couch. I'm in the middle of throwing a load of laundry into the dryer when I hear a knock on the front door.

I take a quick peek out the window and spot Edward and Seth. Edward sees me and offers a small, friendly wave. I hesitate for a moment, still in an oversized T-shirt and my sleep shorts. My hair is in a messy bun, and I have weird stains on my clothes. But I open the door.

"Hey," I murmur, smiling sincerely because it's so good to see him. We've still seen each other during pick-ups and drop-offs but it's never enough. We can never talk long enough. Stare long enough. We can never touch. Yeah, it's been hell.

Seth is holding some cotton candy, smiling big. Edward has a to-go cup of coffee in his hand and a paper bag in the other.

"Dis for Mitey," Seth says, handing me the fluffy pink sugar.

"Seth wanted to get him some for when he feels better," Edward tells me, lips pressing together in a soft smile.

"That's very sweet of you, buddy. Thank you," I tell Seth, setting the cotton candy on the entryway table.

"The coffee is for you. And I got some stuff for Mikey in case you weren't able to go to the store… saltines, and Pedialyte pops. Chicken noodle soup. I got the kind with the pasta shaped like bunnies because I know that's the only soup Mikey will eat," Edward adds, my heart squeezing with affection for this man for knowing this about my son.

"Thank you," I say to Edward, holding his gaze. "Seriously."

"Of course," he murmurs. "How's he doing?"

"He's finally able to keep some crackers and Pedialyte down, so on the mend, I guess." I cross my fingers, then accept the coffee and paper bag Edward graciously hands over. "Maybe it's something going around the class."

"I think it might be," Edward replies with a grimace. "A few other kids missed the carnival today, too."

"Ugh."

"Yeah."

We linger.

"How are you doing?" he asks.

"Great, can't you tell?" I ask dryly, waving a hand over my hot-mess self.

He doesn't smile. "Really, though. How are you?"

I've never been worse.

I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I've lost weight over the last month because I'm on edge and stressed. Jared isn't making things easy on me, but I should've known he wouldn't. He's being vindictive. He's showing his true colors, but I guess I showed him mine, too.

I wasn't loyal.

I broke our vows.

I deserve this.

But I don't feel like I deserved Jared's father of all people to serve me with divorce papers.

It was awkward. Heartbreaking. From the look on Pete's face, it was the last fucking thing he wanted to do. Ten years of having him as a father figure in my life and this was what we were reduced to.

He stayed and we chatted for a bit. He wanted to know where it all went wrong, and I was honest while being gentle. I didn't vent about his son or make excuses for what I did. But he let me cry. He let me apologize. I'm not sure if Jared intended to hurt me by having Pete serve me, but in the end, it brought us closer because he confided that Jared was going to play up my infidelity and fight for full custody.

Of course, deep down, I knew Jared was going to fight dirty. I did. But having it confirmed was agonizing.

Pete was kind, though, and he admitted that he didn't agree with his son. He said he tried reasoning with him and reminded him this will only hurt Mikey, but Jared refused to listen.

I sincerely thanked Pete for the heads up. And then he gave me the name and number of an attorney he thought could help me and offered to pay for the retainer.

I was beyond grateful for his offer and insight. And to be honest, a little stunned. I still am and haven't been able to bring myself to reach out to the attorney yet because I'm overwhelmed and can't believe this is my life.

Edward knows all of this. I called him immediately after Pete came by, and he talked me down from panicking over Jared potentially getting Mikey all the time. So yeah, he knows I'm doing shitty, but instead of voicing all of this with Seth right here, I just shake my head and look at the floor.

"Bella…" Edward whispers.

Seth gets bored and rings the doorbell. Once. Twice. He's about to do it a third time, and Edward lifts him into his arms.

"Buddy, Mikey might be sleeping," he tells him.

"Yeah… I'd invite you in, but I'd hate for either of you to get sick."

"It's okay. I get it." Still, he doesn't make a move to leave. "Can I call you tonight?" he asks.

"I'd love that," I say too quietly, desperately needing this.

He smiles now. It's soft and sweet and laced with so much affection. With that single look, he makes me feel adored. Sometimes it feels like my heart has only ever belonged to him. Sometimes I wish that were true.

"Just let me know when you're free, and I'll call," Edward says.

"FaceTime," I correct, hopeful, and he grins wider.

"Let's say bye to Bella and that we hope Mikey feels better soon," he tells Seth.

Seth repeats him in the sweetest voice, and my smile is genuine now, the ache in my heart a little less prominent.

XXX

"Earlier Alice texted me that I'm uninvited to the baby shower," I tell Edward over FaceTime. "And she blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. So, that's cool."

He stares at my face too intently, and I wish there weren't a screen between us. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"It's fine." I sigh. "I wasn't expecting to go to the shower anyway. I don't even want to go, but… yeah."

"I'm not sure why she felt the need to text you that, though. I thought it was a given that you and I wouldn't be going, especially now that everyone knows about us…"

"Did Alice or Jasper text you that you're uninvited, too?" I ask.

"No. At least they haven't yet. Like I said, it's a given though," he says. I stay quiet. "What?" he asks softly.

"Maybe she didn't uninvite you because you're still allowed to go."

"I doubt it. Besides, I don't want to go anyway." Again, I'm too quiet. "Bella, what is going on?"

"I don't know." I sigh exaggeratedly and roll over in my bed, clutching the phone. "Everyone probably blames me for the affair."

"No, they don't. And if they do, I'll fucking clear the air real quick. This was on me. Not you. I'm the one who pushed for us to be together because I'm selfish—"

"Stop. It was on me, too. Of course, it was. I was a willing participant. I wanted it to happen…" I trail off, biting my nail. I chewed them all off a week ago and keep biting them back, so they stay short. It's disgusting, and I'm desperate for a manicure, but I can't stop myself, the stress is too much. "How can I not think people blame me? Like, my fucking mother is taking Jared's side. I'm the one who got the dirty looks from the boys' teacher and other parents. Not you. I'm the one getting texts that I'm uninvited to events… not you."

He exhales roughly. "I'm still fucking pissed at Jared for telling their teacher. And still pissed at Renee for what she did to you."

I'm pissed too, which is why my mom and I aren't on speaking terms right now. After Jared left that day, I immediately grabbed Mikey to leave. My mom tried stopping me, asking me to hear her out and to understand her. All it took was one murderous glare her way and she stepped aside, letting us go. Maybe it's shitty of me to keep Mikey from her, but it's what I need to do for my sanity right now. I'm barely hanging on.

The boys' teacher only knows about the affair because Jared told her. I thought he'd want to keep things private, but I guess I don't know him as well as I thought. He's been telling everyone he can about the affair. He's doing it to hurt me. Embarrass me. I guess the teacher had emailed everyone to remind them about the carnival, and Jared "replied all" that he wouldn't be able to make it but that his unfaithful wife would be there with her lover, Edward Cullen.

Yeah.

I guess Edward saw the email before I did and called me, livid. He wanted to send a follow-up email to clear the air, to clear my name, but I told him not to. It was pointless. We needed to let it blow over until everyone would eventually forget. Or at the very least, move on to other gossip.

Having to face Mikey's teacher and the parents after that was tough. It's been awful and awkward, but I put on a brave face for my son. I act like everything is fine when I take him to school because he doesn't need to know the truth this young.

"I deserve this though, don't I?" I ask, feeling pathetic. "I'm a homewrecker. And not just my home—yours too." It's hard not to think this way, but the look on Edward's face lets me know I'm so, so wrong.

"Baby, you don't deserve the way they're treating you, and the only reason why I haven't decked Jared's manipulative, controlling ass is because I know you're worried about him trying to build a case against you."

"Yeah, I am worried about that. He's gonna try to take Mikey away from me," I say, anxiety making my heart race. "He knows that's the way to hurt me."

"He can try but we'd fight it. And any judge with half a brain would see how great of a mom you are and that you're Mikey's primary caregiver," Edward firmly reminds me.

I hear him and understand him but that doesn't mean I believe him.

My eyes water.

"Bella…" Edward says gently. "Hey."

"What?"

"Meet me outside."

I sniffle, blinking away tears. "The boys are sleeping."

"Exactly. They're sleeping, and it will only be a minute. I just want to hold you. Please," he begs.

Denying him would be denying myself and he's all I want and need right now.

Minutes later, we meet in my backyard. The grass is wet from the sprinklers, and the sky is fading with the last bit of summer light. My hair is damp from my shower, and I finally have on clean clothes—a tank top and another pair of sleep shorts. Edward's in joggers and a white T-shirt and when he rounds the corner of my yard, he instantly pulls me into his arms, my feet lifting off the ground. He holds me tightly, and I squeeze him back, relaxing against him. His chest is hard, his clothes soft. His caress is so, so tender.

"God, I've fucking missed you," he breathes out into my hair.

"Me too."

We keep hugging.

I can feel him inhale and then exhale.

He lifts me, my legs around his waist, and he walks us toward my back patio.

I laugh a little, already feeling better. Lighter. Whole.

"What's so funny?" he asks.

"You're carrying me."

"Yeah? I'm never letting you go."

"Might make your life a little challenging," I tease.

"Nah. You make everything better," he murmurs. I'm a little bummed when he finally sets me down, but I feel myself grow giddy when he keeps his hands on my body and pulls me into his lap.

We just sit for a moment, my head on his shoulder, his strong hands on my waist, my thigh. His touch is protective and makes me feel so, so loved.

"Can't stay long," he murmurs.

"Don't remind me." I already miss him and he's still right here.

He shifts a little and kisses my temple.

I lift my head and we lock eyes, my gaze bouncing toward his lips.

Tentatively, he leans in. Closer. Closer. I hold my breath, hoping he doesn't back down. And he doesn't. He closes the small distance between us and he kisses me. His mouth is soft, insistent. Warm. His hands are on my cheeks, fingers brushing the sides of my neck.

Our lips move together at a languid pace, making it last. Making this one kiss mean something. Mean everything.

Sadly, it doesn't last long enough because he pulls back after a second, forehead pressing to mine.

"Sorry," he breathes, brushing my cheek with the back of his knuckles. "I had to kiss you."

I kiss the corner of his mouth. "Don't be sorry. I needed it. I've missed it."

"I know we're trying to do this right, but having you next door, so close and yet we just… can't. It's killing me."

I sigh. "Same."

We sit in a comfortable silence until he brings up what we had been talking about over FaceTime.

"I hate that you think people are blaming you for all of this," he whispers.

"Well? What else am I supposed to think?"

"Fuck them, Bella. Honestly. The people whose opinions matter the most are the ones who are still on our side despite everything. Rose, Emmett. My dad. Even Jared's parents. No one else matters. Just you, me, Mikey, and Seth."

Tears sting my eyes. "Yeah."

I don't look or sound convinced, and his face falls with worry for a split second. But then his features flash with determination. Like he refuses to let me believe anything else. Feel any other way.

"Baby, say it," he urges.

"No one else matters," I murmur, and once the words are spoken out loud, I can feel their truth, their weight.

"This will be over soon," he reassures me. "It's going to be hard and it's going to suck. We knew it was going to suck. But it will be worth it. It'll be you and me. Okay?"

I nod, tears falling, my heart swelling from his words and his constant encouragement. He's always done this for me—built me up. It's what we do for each other.

"Say it," he whispers, searching my face. "Please."

"It'll be worth it." With a soft smile, he kisses my cheek, kisses my tears. Even though he's only mending one little part of me, it's enough to get me through. His arms tighten around me, and though his presence and words are calming, his touch offers a new level of comfort and strength. "It'll be you and me," I repeat, believing it. Needing it. Willing it. Refusing to believe or accept anything else.