A VERY PEEVESY XMAS
a Harry Potterverse poem by quantum witch © 2001
Rating: about as G as can be
Summary: Using the basic format of "A Visit From St. Nick", Peeves the poltergeist tells about Xmas at Hogwarts his own way.
Disclaimer: It's all J. K. Rowling's, as anyone in the universe knows.
Notes: Originally written for an old Yahoo Group I ran just for Peeves... or rather moderated for Peeves himself to run. Amok. He was fun.
o
On Winter Solstice Eve all through Hogwarts school
'twas very quiet indeed for most went home for Yule
Dobby had laundered all his mismatched socks
while Winky indulged in more butterbeer on the rocks
The children that stayed their curfew did ignore
to go snog neath the mistletoe hung from every door
Professor McGonagall sighed with great dismay
and claimed that she never did such things in her day
Dumbledore merely chuckled over cocoa served hot
Filch grumbled sourly as not one student got caught
and plotted with Snape over detentions forthcoming
as Hagrid swigged eggnog while merrily humming
'Twas so very very quiet one heard falling snowflakes
not a peep from young badgers, lions, ravens, or snakes
So blissful, serene, and downright deadly dull
that one member of Hogwarts felt it drill into his skull
And away he went like a flash of Muggle dynamite
shattering all peace and quiet of the Yuletide night
He tore up all the classrooms, shouted rude rhymes
tossed pictures from walls and burped quite loudly sometimes
Filch leapt to his feet and dashed up the stairs
as though every deity had finally answered his prayers
"I'll have you this time!" he bellowed with glee
"and put an end to your menace, I guarantee!"
"Peeves!" he yelled out, skidding to a halt
"I knew it was you! It's always your fault!
You've disturbed our Yule quiet for the very last time!
I've caught you red-handed at the scene of your crime!"
The poltergeist tossed a dungbomb at Filch's head
and away through the walls of the castle he sped
Screeching and shouting 'til all were wide awake
even ghosts were tossed about like old leaves in his wake
Sleepers dashed from their beds thinking Hogwarts was afire
Sir Nicholas huffed in annoyance to the Fat Friar
"Oh, he's done it this time, sure to be tossed out!
Even Peeves should know Yule's no time for mucking about!"
Everyone followed Peeves as he clattered and crashed
'til at last the largest tree in the Great Hall was smashed
The Bloody Baron came forth and Peeves trembled in fear
when suddenly Dumbledore spoke, and all turned to hear
"Peeves please, calm yourself, tell us your reason
for disrupting our quiet celebration of the season?"
the Headmaster asked gently, with a twinkling eye
for he knew that to him the poltergeist would not lie
Peeves puffed out his cheeks and considered what to say
He'd ruined all the presents, maybe even Christmas day
He hung his bell-hatted head, his voice became coy,
"Only wanted to be part of the fun and the joy
Was so quiet, so still, unlike Yuletimes past
with the singing and dancing, all night it would last
Now no one wants noise, let's give fun a breather
Peeves thinks that perhaps... no one wants him, either."
There was utter silence then as everyone thought hard
Peeves' true feelings had caught them all quite off guard
Dumbledore settled the matter with a smile and wink
"There's a simple enough cure for poltergeist doldrums, I think"
He waved his wand and the Hall decorations were restored
turned to Peeves who had only been lonesome and bored
"You are welcome to join in our Yule celebration
for you're right, we could use a bit more animation"
And for the rest of the day and into the long eve
there was more laughing and jesting that one can conceive
And Peeves floated on clouds of noisy delight
screaming, "Now at last we've got a Yule party done RIGHT!"