Dating for Dummies
Disclaimer: *puts right hand in air* I will speak the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God. *sigh* Ehem. . .*clears throat* I do not own the characters, I do not own the plot. . .(but neither does Joss! Mwahahaha!) But I do know that I own Spike the dog. ^_^ So a big "whoop!" for me!
Summary: Based on the book, Asking for Trouble written by Elizabeth Young. The personal ad idea was from Must Love Dogs, another book which was written by Claire Cook. Add a scene from "See Jane Date," and mix them together. . .What do you get? "Dating for Dummies." =)
A/N: *blushing* Oh my Gosh, you really thought the chapter before this was funny? *gives goofy grin* Thanks! *scratches head* It didn't seem that funny when I wrote it, but I guess all that matters is what the readers think. And I LOVE the way you guys think! LOL I love you all! Thank you for reading and ESPECIALLY for reviewing! *laughs* I'm so excited every time I open my box because they're always full of your encouraging words. *wipes a tear*
As for the escort thingy, I'm not sure how that whole thing works out. So if you read this and go "That's not how they do it!" Know that I just made it all up. This is MY little made up world, thank you very much. Please don't bug me about it. =) Please?
Thanks for taking the time to read this! Thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuu!!!! Now excuse me, I've got some house chores to do. =( Mom's gonna get mad at me if I don't get to it soon. Ugh.
& * & * & * & * & * &
I stomped my foot.
"No."
She stomped hers.
"Yes."
"No." I crossed my arms over my chest and jut my chin in the air.
Willow nodded, latching onto my arm. "Yes."
"No!" I pouted as I tried to wriggle free from her grasp, "You can't make me!"
"Yes!" She was dragging me now.
"NOOOO!!!!" I was whining.
"YESSS!!!" Willow rolled her eyes at me, "Buffy, will you stop being a baby already?"
I gave her the best puppy dog face I could muster and said in a little voice, "But I don't want to."
She stopped dragging me then, "Do you want a boyfriend or not?"
I sighed, defeated, "Ok, ok. Fine." I held my arm out for her, "Let the dragging commence."
Willow took my arm and resumed dragging me but stopped and turned around. "Wait. I don't have to drag you. What am I doing?"
I gave her a startled look, "No! You *have* to drag me!"
Willow gave me a look, "Um. . . Are you ok?"
I nodded and put her hand on my wrist, "I could at least look like I'm coming here against my will. That's better than looking stupid and desperate, right?"
She laughed and rolled her eyes, "Sure. Whatever."
I pouted, "This isn't funny!" I crossed my arms, "I'm a twenty-three year old burn out who-who-who can't even get a single, decent guy to go out with her!"
"Buffy! You're *hardly* a burn out-"
"See? *Hardly*," I pointed out, "That means I'm *somewhat* a burn out already!" I sighed dramatically, "Face it! I'm doomed to eternity alone."
"Not alone. You'd live with cats," Willow added perkily, trying to help and tease at the same time.
I frowned, "Cats? Why would there be cats?" My face twisted in horror, "Oh my God, you're right! I'm gonna live in a house- no- in an apartment. . .with cats!. . .And Spike. . .But there's gonna be a lot of cats just like that lady said in that movie and-" I whimpered.
Willow shook her head an laughed, "We *so* have been watching to much of that movie 'See Jane Date.'" She giggled again and I whined.
"This is NOT funny!" I growled, "I'm hiring a man whore to pose at my boyfriend. Not funny."
She sighed, "Male escorts are NOT whores. They're just paid to make women happy. That doesn't necessarily mean they have to have *sex* with the woman."
I rolled my eyes as we entered the building, "Whatever."
& * & * & * & * &
"No, they are not man whores." The lady at the desk shook her head, "They're just paid to make women happy."
Willow grinned at me, "See?"
The lady tapped her fingers on her keyboard, "Alright. . .So what are you looking for?"
I counted off my fingers, "Blue eyes, blonde-"
"Any hot guy that's willing to pose as her boyfriend at a wedding," Willow provided and continued with how my mom was a hard-to-please woman and was competing against her neighbor's daughter's beaus with mine, to how I had dated almost all the men in Sunnydale in order to make my lies truths. I glared at her openness of my personal life.
"Willow!" I hissed.
"What?" She looked back at me innocently, "Oh yeah. And he has to be the best man."
The lady looked surprised, "A wedding? Best man? Wow." She clicked her mouse and squinted at the screen, "I'm not sure if there'll be any men willing to do that. . .or if any of the men are available. But just fill out this sheet with your name and number, etc. I'll call you if I find anyone-"
"I need him before the end of this week. The wedding's on Saturday-"
"Don't worry. I'm sure I'll find someone by then." She waved a hand and filed my paper.
I bit my lip, "Um. . .And. . .uh. . .How much will the, uh, man be?" I shifted uncomfortably. God, this was embarrassing.
She thought a moment, "Depends on the man's services, usually. But they cost around $550 for a day."
I winced, "Oh."
The lady looked at me sadly and quickly amended, "But I think I can lower it to around $350 for you. Considering what you're going through."
"Oh my God!" I threw my arms around her, "Thank you! Thank you so much-" I glanced at her tag, "Kennedy! Thank you, Kennedy!"
We turned around to leave but I stopped and asked, "Um. . .These men are. . .?"
The employee smiled, "They're safe. Don't worry."
"Alright. Thanks again. You have *no* idea how much I appreciate this."
& * & * & * & * &
"How'd it go?" Xander asked from the couch when we entered the house.
I grabbed his coke and drank it all in five deep gulps. "Do I have any more messages from my personal ad?"
"That bad?" Xander sympathized.
I shook my head, "No. I just wanted to know if I could get any boyfriend without *paying* them."
Xander stuffed his sandwich in his mouth, "Ha mush shoo payn?"
"Huh?"
He swallowed the food, "How much you payin'?"
"Oh. . .$350."
He laughed, "I'm telling you. You could've just dated me-"
I rolled my eyes, threw a pillow at him, and repeated louder, "Any messages?" He nodded and I bounced in my seat, "Really?"
"You have one."
I pouted, "Oh, gee."
I grabbed the phone and went into my room. Pressing in the digits, I waited for the message.
"Monday, July 29th, 5:32 P.M." The robotic voice said.
Then the man's voice,
"Hello, gorgeous. . ."
And that was all I needed to hear.
The guy had an accent, a British accent to be exact. He sounded hot.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.
& * & * & * & * &
He said he liked dogs too and had one himself, so we arranged to meet at the park.
So here I was, sitting on the bench with my dog, glancing at my watch. . .
Which told me that this guy was 30 minutes late.
I groaned and turned my eyes to my dog, "Maybe I'm being stood up."
He barked at me and I sighed, "Alright, ten more minutes. Then we're leaving."
--10 minutes later. . .--
I glanced at my watch, "How about another five minutes?"
--5 minutes later. . .--
"Stupid guy with a hot British accent, thinking he can-" I muttered. My ramble was cut off as a drop of rain fell on my nose.
Spike barked.
Another drop fell onto my shoulder.
Drip.
Drop.
Drip. . .
I looked up and rain fell from the sky.
"Good God," I growled, "Come on, Spike."
Spike barked again and he wouldn't move.
"Spike! Come on! It's raining!" I whined, tugging on his leash.
He stood on all fours, wagging his tail, but he wasn't looking at me. I frowned and he barked again.
"Spike?" I asked in confusion.
Spike took off dragging me along with him.
"Spike!" I yelled as he jumped into a puddle, splashing mud all over me. I gasped, "I'm gonna kill you, dog."
From ahead, I heard a man demand, "Stop, girl. Stop!"
"What?" I asked, as I was dragged past him, "Are you talking to me?"
Spike kept pulling me and I ran after him.
The man looked up and shook his head, "No. No. My dog," he tugged on her leash, "Bloody hell." his dog barked at mine and they took off side by side.
"This," I panted, "Sucks."
The brunette man nodded, gasping, "Damn right!"
We were both stuck running with our dogs in the rain.
Spike and the man's dog headed back towards the park and jumped into the soggy grass.
"No, Spike! No!" I ordered, but he wouldn't listen. Mud was splattered across our faces.
"No what? I'm the victim here!" The brunette man yelled beside me.
I was breathing hard as we continued to run behind our dogs, hands stuck to their leashes, "What are you talking about?"
"You told *me* 'no'."
I frowned, pulling my damp hair behind my shoulders, "I was talking to my dog."
He rolled his eyes and shook the water from his hair, "You said 'Spike', didn't you?"
"Yeah."
He laughed, "Are you trying to tell me that your dog is named Spike, too?"
I was getting more confused by the second, "What do you mean by 'too'?"
Before he had a chance to reply, our feet slipped on soggy grass and we slipped down the wet, muddy hill.
Our hands were finally free from our dog's leashes and they watched us tumble down the steep hill, rolling our way down into the small lake at the bottom.
& * & * & * & * &
"Pet? Are you ok?" I heard him ask worriedly, dragging me out of the water.
I peeled open an eye and coughed, "You're worried about your pet at a moment like this?" I dropped my head back down and felt the mud seep into my hair. I heard him chuckle and I was forced to open my eyes, "Alright, what's so funny?"
He shook his head, "I was talking about you, luv."
I squinted through the rain that was still falling on my face. "I'm not your 'pet' or your 'luv,'" I grumbled.
He lifted a scarred eyebrow at me, "Oh, so it's ok for *me* to be your pet, but you can't be mine?"
I frowned for a moment but then I remembered and scrunched my face, "Your name is really. . .Spike?"
He shrugged, "Yeah."
"You're kidding. . . " I replied, a smile curling on my lips. I could almost see the wheels turning in my head.
& * & * & * & * & * & * & * &
A/N: Alright. There's chapter. . .8, I believe. All right, I know that scene was probably really confusing, so I'm saying "sorry" in advance. I really had no idea how to write it, but oh well. *shrug* I don't really remember who requested them to meet like this, so just give me another shout out and I'll give you credit for the idea in the next chappy, k? ^_~
Oh, and see? I put (human!) Spike in this chapter (for a longer period of time than in previous chapters where you only got little snippets.) You happy now? *giggles* LoL
Don't get your hopes up, though. Who says I'm keeping the two together for long? *wicked grin* I better see some reviews. . .*wink*
*nudges mouse to review box* Click it! Click it! Click it!!! ^_^ LoL
Please be kind and review. =)
Disclaimer: *puts right hand in air* I will speak the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God. *sigh* Ehem. . .*clears throat* I do not own the characters, I do not own the plot. . .(but neither does Joss! Mwahahaha!) But I do know that I own Spike the dog. ^_^ So a big "whoop!" for me!
Summary: Based on the book, Asking for Trouble written by Elizabeth Young. The personal ad idea was from Must Love Dogs, another book which was written by Claire Cook. Add a scene from "See Jane Date," and mix them together. . .What do you get? "Dating for Dummies." =)
A/N: *blushing* Oh my Gosh, you really thought the chapter before this was funny? *gives goofy grin* Thanks! *scratches head* It didn't seem that funny when I wrote it, but I guess all that matters is what the readers think. And I LOVE the way you guys think! LOL I love you all! Thank you for reading and ESPECIALLY for reviewing! *laughs* I'm so excited every time I open my box because they're always full of your encouraging words. *wipes a tear*
As for the escort thingy, I'm not sure how that whole thing works out. So if you read this and go "That's not how they do it!" Know that I just made it all up. This is MY little made up world, thank you very much. Please don't bug me about it. =) Please?
Thanks for taking the time to read this! Thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuu!!!! Now excuse me, I've got some house chores to do. =( Mom's gonna get mad at me if I don't get to it soon. Ugh.
& * & * & * & * & * &
I stomped my foot.
"No."
She stomped hers.
"Yes."
"No." I crossed my arms over my chest and jut my chin in the air.
Willow nodded, latching onto my arm. "Yes."
"No!" I pouted as I tried to wriggle free from her grasp, "You can't make me!"
"Yes!" She was dragging me now.
"NOOOO!!!!" I was whining.
"YESSS!!!" Willow rolled her eyes at me, "Buffy, will you stop being a baby already?"
I gave her the best puppy dog face I could muster and said in a little voice, "But I don't want to."
She stopped dragging me then, "Do you want a boyfriend or not?"
I sighed, defeated, "Ok, ok. Fine." I held my arm out for her, "Let the dragging commence."
Willow took my arm and resumed dragging me but stopped and turned around. "Wait. I don't have to drag you. What am I doing?"
I gave her a startled look, "No! You *have* to drag me!"
Willow gave me a look, "Um. . . Are you ok?"
I nodded and put her hand on my wrist, "I could at least look like I'm coming here against my will. That's better than looking stupid and desperate, right?"
She laughed and rolled her eyes, "Sure. Whatever."
I pouted, "This isn't funny!" I crossed my arms, "I'm a twenty-three year old burn out who-who-who can't even get a single, decent guy to go out with her!"
"Buffy! You're *hardly* a burn out-"
"See? *Hardly*," I pointed out, "That means I'm *somewhat* a burn out already!" I sighed dramatically, "Face it! I'm doomed to eternity alone."
"Not alone. You'd live with cats," Willow added perkily, trying to help and tease at the same time.
I frowned, "Cats? Why would there be cats?" My face twisted in horror, "Oh my God, you're right! I'm gonna live in a house- no- in an apartment. . .with cats!. . .And Spike. . .But there's gonna be a lot of cats just like that lady said in that movie and-" I whimpered.
Willow shook her head an laughed, "We *so* have been watching to much of that movie 'See Jane Date.'" She giggled again and I whined.
"This is NOT funny!" I growled, "I'm hiring a man whore to pose at my boyfriend. Not funny."
She sighed, "Male escorts are NOT whores. They're just paid to make women happy. That doesn't necessarily mean they have to have *sex* with the woman."
I rolled my eyes as we entered the building, "Whatever."
& * & * & * & * &
"No, they are not man whores." The lady at the desk shook her head, "They're just paid to make women happy."
Willow grinned at me, "See?"
The lady tapped her fingers on her keyboard, "Alright. . .So what are you looking for?"
I counted off my fingers, "Blue eyes, blonde-"
"Any hot guy that's willing to pose as her boyfriend at a wedding," Willow provided and continued with how my mom was a hard-to-please woman and was competing against her neighbor's daughter's beaus with mine, to how I had dated almost all the men in Sunnydale in order to make my lies truths. I glared at her openness of my personal life.
"Willow!" I hissed.
"What?" She looked back at me innocently, "Oh yeah. And he has to be the best man."
The lady looked surprised, "A wedding? Best man? Wow." She clicked her mouse and squinted at the screen, "I'm not sure if there'll be any men willing to do that. . .or if any of the men are available. But just fill out this sheet with your name and number, etc. I'll call you if I find anyone-"
"I need him before the end of this week. The wedding's on Saturday-"
"Don't worry. I'm sure I'll find someone by then." She waved a hand and filed my paper.
I bit my lip, "Um. . .And. . .uh. . .How much will the, uh, man be?" I shifted uncomfortably. God, this was embarrassing.
She thought a moment, "Depends on the man's services, usually. But they cost around $550 for a day."
I winced, "Oh."
The lady looked at me sadly and quickly amended, "But I think I can lower it to around $350 for you. Considering what you're going through."
"Oh my God!" I threw my arms around her, "Thank you! Thank you so much-" I glanced at her tag, "Kennedy! Thank you, Kennedy!"
We turned around to leave but I stopped and asked, "Um. . .These men are. . .?"
The employee smiled, "They're safe. Don't worry."
"Alright. Thanks again. You have *no* idea how much I appreciate this."
& * & * & * & * &
"How'd it go?" Xander asked from the couch when we entered the house.
I grabbed his coke and drank it all in five deep gulps. "Do I have any more messages from my personal ad?"
"That bad?" Xander sympathized.
I shook my head, "No. I just wanted to know if I could get any boyfriend without *paying* them."
Xander stuffed his sandwich in his mouth, "Ha mush shoo payn?"
"Huh?"
He swallowed the food, "How much you payin'?"
"Oh. . .$350."
He laughed, "I'm telling you. You could've just dated me-"
I rolled my eyes, threw a pillow at him, and repeated louder, "Any messages?" He nodded and I bounced in my seat, "Really?"
"You have one."
I pouted, "Oh, gee."
I grabbed the phone and went into my room. Pressing in the digits, I waited for the message.
"Monday, July 29th, 5:32 P.M." The robotic voice said.
Then the man's voice,
"Hello, gorgeous. . ."
And that was all I needed to hear.
The guy had an accent, a British accent to be exact. He sounded hot.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.
& * & * & * & * &
He said he liked dogs too and had one himself, so we arranged to meet at the park.
So here I was, sitting on the bench with my dog, glancing at my watch. . .
Which told me that this guy was 30 minutes late.
I groaned and turned my eyes to my dog, "Maybe I'm being stood up."
He barked at me and I sighed, "Alright, ten more minutes. Then we're leaving."
--10 minutes later. . .--
I glanced at my watch, "How about another five minutes?"
--5 minutes later. . .--
"Stupid guy with a hot British accent, thinking he can-" I muttered. My ramble was cut off as a drop of rain fell on my nose.
Spike barked.
Another drop fell onto my shoulder.
Drip.
Drop.
Drip. . .
I looked up and rain fell from the sky.
"Good God," I growled, "Come on, Spike."
Spike barked again and he wouldn't move.
"Spike! Come on! It's raining!" I whined, tugging on his leash.
He stood on all fours, wagging his tail, but he wasn't looking at me. I frowned and he barked again.
"Spike?" I asked in confusion.
Spike took off dragging me along with him.
"Spike!" I yelled as he jumped into a puddle, splashing mud all over me. I gasped, "I'm gonna kill you, dog."
From ahead, I heard a man demand, "Stop, girl. Stop!"
"What?" I asked, as I was dragged past him, "Are you talking to me?"
Spike kept pulling me and I ran after him.
The man looked up and shook his head, "No. No. My dog," he tugged on her leash, "Bloody hell." his dog barked at mine and they took off side by side.
"This," I panted, "Sucks."
The brunette man nodded, gasping, "Damn right!"
We were both stuck running with our dogs in the rain.
Spike and the man's dog headed back towards the park and jumped into the soggy grass.
"No, Spike! No!" I ordered, but he wouldn't listen. Mud was splattered across our faces.
"No what? I'm the victim here!" The brunette man yelled beside me.
I was breathing hard as we continued to run behind our dogs, hands stuck to their leashes, "What are you talking about?"
"You told *me* 'no'."
I frowned, pulling my damp hair behind my shoulders, "I was talking to my dog."
He rolled his eyes and shook the water from his hair, "You said 'Spike', didn't you?"
"Yeah."
He laughed, "Are you trying to tell me that your dog is named Spike, too?"
I was getting more confused by the second, "What do you mean by 'too'?"
Before he had a chance to reply, our feet slipped on soggy grass and we slipped down the wet, muddy hill.
Our hands were finally free from our dog's leashes and they watched us tumble down the steep hill, rolling our way down into the small lake at the bottom.
& * & * & * & * &
"Pet? Are you ok?" I heard him ask worriedly, dragging me out of the water.
I peeled open an eye and coughed, "You're worried about your pet at a moment like this?" I dropped my head back down and felt the mud seep into my hair. I heard him chuckle and I was forced to open my eyes, "Alright, what's so funny?"
He shook his head, "I was talking about you, luv."
I squinted through the rain that was still falling on my face. "I'm not your 'pet' or your 'luv,'" I grumbled.
He lifted a scarred eyebrow at me, "Oh, so it's ok for *me* to be your pet, but you can't be mine?"
I frowned for a moment but then I remembered and scrunched my face, "Your name is really. . .Spike?"
He shrugged, "Yeah."
"You're kidding. . . " I replied, a smile curling on my lips. I could almost see the wheels turning in my head.
& * & * & * & * & * & * & * &
A/N: Alright. There's chapter. . .8, I believe. All right, I know that scene was probably really confusing, so I'm saying "sorry" in advance. I really had no idea how to write it, but oh well. *shrug* I don't really remember who requested them to meet like this, so just give me another shout out and I'll give you credit for the idea in the next chappy, k? ^_~
Oh, and see? I put (human!) Spike in this chapter (for a longer period of time than in previous chapters where you only got little snippets.) You happy now? *giggles* LoL
Don't get your hopes up, though. Who says I'm keeping the two together for long? *wicked grin* I better see some reviews. . .*wink*
*nudges mouse to review box* Click it! Click it! Click it!!! ^_^ LoL
Please be kind and review. =)