Star Trek Voyager is the property of Paramount Pictures.
MERMAID
PART ONE
Snow fell softly over Austrian Alps. Kathryn Janeway watched from the window of a beautiful log cabin. Every now and then she took a sip of steaming hot milk and honey, her mind drifting with the snow. She thought about the course of her life, the many twists and turns it had taken, thought about all the paths that had led her to this place at this time. She thought about the woman she had been, the woman she was now, and the woman she had become in the form of the Admiral. It was impossible to imagine that she could do what the Admiral had done. But then she hadn't lived the Admiral's life. Time could change people, that she knew only too well. She had changed so much from the young Kathryn Janeway who had so eagerly joined Starfleet twenty five years before. Then she had her whole life ahead of her and so many plans. She would be a great captain, would marry the man of her dreams, and would have at least two children.
Some would say she had achieved the first, but the second and the last she had come to believe would always elude her. It had been difficult to accept, but she had Starfleet, had her science, and most of the time she was able to persuade herself that it was enough. It had been easier on Voyager. Then there had been good reasons why she had to be alone, even if she had been like all other women. Also she had been so busy that there had been little time to think about anything but Voyager. It was harder now they were home. Now she couldn't hide behind protocol. A tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it away. She wouldn't cry. She had cried so much in the past that she wouldn't cry now, even if her heart was breaking.
She just knew she should never have agreed to come on this vacation. She had just thought it would be her, Tom, B'Elanna, Miral, Harry, Samantha and Naomi. She had felt comfortable with that. But then B'Elanna had gone and invited Chakotay too. He had returned from his home planet to begin teaching planetology at a new university in California and had eagerly taken up the invitation. When she had heard he was coming, she had wanted to withdraw from the vacation, but she had already promised and made all the necessary arrangements. She didn't want to see him. It was always difficult being around him, difficult to hide her feelings for him. She knew she hadn't managed it too well on Voyager, but then there had been the familiar mask of protocol to hide behind. Now there was nothing to hide behind and she was scared. It had been over eight months since they had made it home and she had hoped that time, and all that had happened between him and Seven, would have cooled his feelings for her, but when they had met in the bar that first night they arrived, it was as though none of it had ever happened. There was so much warmth in Chakotay's eyes when he looked at her and her reaction to his gaze was just the same as it always had been.
There was suddenly a knock at the door and Kathryn turned away from the window. She didn't feel like company and was about to take a bath and go to bed, but it would be impolite not to answer the door. She went over to it and opened it. Chakotay stood before her, his black coat covered in snowflakes. He smiled warmly.
"I thought you might like some company."
Kathryn wanted to say no, but found herself letting him in and helping him take off his coat.
"Not a night to be venturing far," he smiled. "A good thing your cabin is next to mine. Word is there will be a blizzard tonight. "
Kathryn smiled. "Would you like a drink? I was just having a hot milk with honey."
"No coffee?"
"I'm trying to give up. Not exactly succeeding, but trying."
Chakotay laughed softly. "A milk and honey would be lovely, thank you."
Kathryn went over to the replicator and replicated a mug of milk with honey. She handed it to Chakotay and he took it gladly, the warmth seeping through his cold fingers and restoring them to life.
Kathryn sat down on a brown couch before a blazing fire and Chakotay sat opposite her. He took a sip of his drink and then hesitated with the next words.
"I'm glad we've got some time alone, Kathryn," he said quietly. "We need to talk."
Kathryn said nothing, just pursed her lips awkwardly.
Chakotay took another sip of his drink and then put the cup down on the table before him. He then looked up at Kathryn with tears in his eyes.
"I love you, Kathryn. All these years I have loved you. You told me how you felt about protocol and I tried to accept it, move on, and sometimes I thought I had ... But now we're home..." A stubborn tear ran down his cheek. "All I've thought about since we returned is you."
Kathryn put down her own drink and slowly, hesitantly, went over to him. She had dreaded this moment, this inevitable moment, but now that it was here, she found his vulnerability gave her strength. She sat beside him and took his hands in hers, tears in her own eyes. "I feel the same, Chakotay. I've loved you all these years too." A tear ran down her cheek and fell onto the brown skin of his hand. "But I can never be the woman you need..."
Chakotay squeezed her hands. "You're everything that I need, Kathryn ... I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or ever could..."
He touched her face gently and Kathryn had to look away from his eyes. She couldn't tell him ... She just couldn't. She didn't know how ... what to say ... what she could possibly say... And perhaps it would be alright. Doctors didn't always know everything. And it had been so long ago ... If there was pain, she could tolerate pain.
"I just ... I'm just scared, you know...?"
Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I understand. I'm scared too. Almost everyone I have ever loved I have lost and so many times I have come close to losing you. But we can't live our lives fearing the future, Kathryn. We have to live for the present, have to make every moment count."
Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded. Chakotay gently lifted her face to level his and held it gently between his hands.
"All I know is that I love you, Kathryn, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Kathryn's tears fell steadily now and she could say nothing. A myriad of emotions were racing around in her mind, a thousand thoughts telling her different things. She wanted to pull away from him, wanted to tell him the truth, to fight her fear, and yet as he drew closer, lowered his lips to hers, she was being drawn to him like metal to magnet. For so long she had dreamt of his kiss, for so long ...Then his lips touched hers and all she could do was kiss him in return...
They kissed tenderly, kissed long, and then Chakotay drew her close and held her against him. Kathryn held him tight and let her tears fall onto his sweater. She felt trapped, trapped by her feelings, trapped by his. She loved him so much and wanted so much to be with him, but there was so much that he didn't know, so much that would change if he did. If only he didn't love her, didn't want her. He wouldn't have to suffer then and the pain of not being loved by him at all would be so much easier to bear than the pain of loving him only to lose him. All she could do was hope that things had changed, hope against a futile hope. She would go and see the doctor. Perhaps if she wanted it enough ... willed it to happen... She lay her head against Chakotay's shoulder and closed her eyes as he stroked her hair softly. For now, she would just accept Chakotay's love and give him hers in every way that she was able too.
Two Months later
A candlelight meal over, Kathryn and Chakotay sat cuddled together on his couch. They sat in silence, the only sound in the room coming from the soft ticking of an old fashioned grandfather clock Chakotay kept in the corner of the room. Chakotay stroked Kathryn's hair softly. He was worried about her. They were closer than they ever had been, but still there was a distance too. Sometimes he felt she was more distant with him now than she had been on Voyager. She would only let him get so close and then would push him away again, keep him at a distance. She liked his affection, to be hugged and cuddled, even to be kissed, but she seemed distinctively uncomfortable with taking things further. He had no intention of rushing her and was happy to take things at her pace, but he couldn't help feeling that there was something she wasn't telling him, something she needed to. At first he hadn't wanted to entertain the thought knocking on the subconscious door of his mind as he couldn't bear to think that someone, at someone time, had hurt her, but he had to face whatever was behind that door, had to be strong for her. He kissed her hair softly and tried to summon the strength he knew he would need for the following conversation.
"Kathryn?"
She didn't move against his chest, perfectly content within his embrace. "Yes?"
"There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?"
Kathryn opened her eyes and gazed anxiously ahead. "What makes you say that?"
"I know you, Kathryn. I know when you're keeping something from me, know when you're unhappy."
Kathryn drew away from him and looked up at him. "I'm not unhappy, Chakotay." Tears welled in her eyes. "Quite the contrary, I'm very happy."
Chakotay touched her face. "You've lost weight, Kathryn. You're pale and have dark shadows under your eyes. Something is worrying you."
She turned slightly away from him. He knew her too well.
"And while we're closer than we have ever been, there's still a barrier. You're still keeping me at a distance."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "You mean sex, don't you?"
Chakotay took her hand in his. "I mean intimacy in all kinds of ways, emotional and physical. You have a barrier on all fronts."
Her lip trembled and another tear ran down her cheek which she clumsily wiped away.
Chakotay lay his hands on her shoulders. "Tell me what's wrong, my love."
Kathryn looked up at him, her eyes flooded with tears. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay..."
He caressed her arms gently. "Sorry for what?"
She averted her eyes, struggled to hold back the torrent of tears.
Chakotay bit his lip at her pain but forced himself to say what was on his mind. "In the Delta Quadrant ... Before ... Were you raped?"
Kathryn tearfully looked up at him again and saw that there was so much pain in his eyes.
"No," she answered firmly. "No."
A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek now. "Is that the truth, Kathryn? Please ... tell me..."
"It's the truth," she replied... "It's the truth." She drew him close and held him tight. "I'm sorry ...I 'm so sorry I've led you to believe that..."
Chakotay held her tight against him. "Then what is it, Kathryn? What's wrong?"
Kathryn broke away from him and hugged her arms tightly around her body almost as though she was trying to protect herself.
"There's so much you don't know about me," she began. "So much I haven't told you." She paused, fidgeted with her fingers. "I wanted to tell you, Chakotay. I'm so sorry that I didn't. I just knew that it would change everything ... how you feel about me..."
Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Nothing could change how I feel about you."
"This will, Chakotay..." She stood up and wandered over to the window. She looked out at the stars and wished she was amongst them, wished she was a million light years away from what was happening. "I don't even know how to tell you, what to say..." Tears trickled down her face. "I've never told anyone, not even Mom or Phoebe ... I don't suppose there is a right way. I suppose to just say it." She paused and summoned all her strength. "I suffered severe pelvic injuries in the crash that killed my father and fiancé. There was internal damage, a hemorrhage, all kinds of injuries. Apparently I was first found on the planet by aliens. While they managed to save and preserve my life until our people came, they had little knowledge of our biology ... reproduction... As I result of what they did to me, the doctors said I could never..." She fought for the words ... had to continue... "They said I could never have children and could never have..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "Sexual intercourse." She began to weep softly, painfully, and turned to Chakotay. The blood seemed to have drained out of his face and his eyes were heavy, his face drawn. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay," she said through tears. "So sorry."
A tear ran down his cheek and Kathryn had to look away from the pain in his eyes. He got up slowly and went over to her. He tried to draw her into his arms, wanting nothing but to hold her tight, but she drew away from him.
"I'd better leave now..."
Chakotay seized her arm tearfully. "No, Kathryn. Stay..."
"I can't," she replied, her voice almost choked by tears. "Just let me go ... There's nothing more to say..."
"I love you, Kathryn ... This doesn't change anything..."
Kathryn turned to him, her face streaked with tears. "It changes everything! I'm no use to you, Chakotay! No use!"
Chakotay seized her by the shoulders now. "Don't say that, Kathryn. Don't ever say that..."
"It's the truth. I'm no use to you ... to any man..."
"You're everything to me," he cried, his tears falling in rhythm to hers. "Do you think sex is all I want from you? Do you?"
Kathryn didn't answer.
"Kathryn?"
"Yes!" she cried. "No! I don't know! I don't know anything anymore..."
She could say no more and wept painfully, her feelings, fears, tears, all choking her until she could hardly breathe. Chakotay took her in his arms and held her tight. "It's alright, Kathryn. Everything's alright. I love you. I love you so much. Nothing could change that. Just hold me, hold onto me. Everything's alright."
Tentatively Kathryn responded to his embrace and Chakotay cradled her against him.
It was a long time before Kathryn was completely still and silent in his arms. Chakotay held her a while longer and then drew away from her.
"Let me get us a drink," he said kindly. "Then we can talk. What would you like?"
"A coffee," she said quietly. She hadn't had one for days, but she needed one now.
"One black coffee coming up," he said with a soft smile.
He wandered over to the replicator and Kathryn watched him sadly. She was angry with herself for breaking down the way she had done, for not controlling her emotions better. She was usually so good at controlling her emotions. She was just tired, exhausted of the battle she had been fighting for the past few weeks, had been fighting for years. But she was determined she would be strong now, that she wouldn't break down again.
Chakotay returned with two coffees, gave her one, and then and sat beside her. He took a sip of the steaming liquid and then put it down on the table before them.
"I wish you had told me about this long ago, Kathryn."
"I couldn't," she replied. "How do you tell someone? When do you tell them?" She paused.
"And it was easier, you know, believing that we couldn't be together because of protocol..." A tear ran down her cheek. "It was so hard on New Earth ... being so close to you day and night. I had come to love you so much and was so scared. There was no hiding place anymore ... no protocol ... no rank ... You would want to know the real reasons and I just didn't know how I would tell you. When you gave me that massage, I felt ... I felt so much longing and yet so much fear... I didn't want you to see how I felt and yet I knew I had showed you ... What was worse was that I knew for certain then that you were attracted to me and that was more terrifying than anything." She wiped away a tear. "I just had to go to bed... had to get away from you." She paused. "I didn't know what to do. I just knew I had to somehow let you know nothing would happen."
"Which is why you wanted to define parameters?"
She nodded. "Only then you went and told me in that beautiful ancient legend that you loved me..." More tears fell. "I wanted so much to hold you, to tell you I loved you too ... but I couldn't. All I could do was offer you my hand."
Chakotay took her hand in his. "And that meant more than you can even know, Kathryn."
Kathryn held his hand tight in hers. "To me too. So many lonely nights afterwards I listened to that legend over and over in my mind and remembered the feel of your hand in mine. That memory would help me sleep." She paused. "When Q said he would return Voyager home if I mated with him, I would have done it if I could, Chakotay. I would have done anything to get the crew home, given my life. But I couldn't."
"At the time I was so glad that you declined his request that I didn't think about it, but afterwards, and especially lately..."
"You knew there had to be more to it but couldn't quite put your finger on what?"
He nodded. "I wish you had told me, Kathryn, wish you hadn't tried to carry all this alone."
"I was going to," she said quietly, "when I got that letter from Mark saying he was married. At least I thought of it for a moment. But when it came to it, I couldn't. It wouldn't have been fair to you, to the crew, and I knew I couldn't deal with it and function to my maximum as captain too. I just hoped you would find someone else." She paused. "And yet when the Admiral told me about you and Seven..."
Chakotay squeezed her hand, a silent apology.
Kathryn turned to him. "You're a good man, Chakotay. Even now you're thinking of me, not yourself. But I don't want that. I want you to think of your own happiness. Seven's a beautiful, intelligent, caring young woman who can be to you everything that I can't."
"But she isn't you, Kathryn. It's you I want, you I love."
"But I can never make you happy."
Chakotay squeezed her hand again. "You make me happier than I have ever been. I love you, Kathryn. Nothing frightens me more than the thought of my life without you in it. I love you, pure and simple. No conditions."
A tear ran down her cheek and Chakotay brushed it away with his thumb. "I want you for you, Kathryn. When I've dreamed of us being together, it was for the love we could share, all that we could be to each other, not for sex. If sex was all I wanted from a woman I would have given up on us a long time ago. I love you for you, want you for you, and want to be physically close to you because I love you." He kissed her hand. "And there are many different ways of making love. We can still make wonderful love together."
Kathryn looked away. "It wouldn't be fair to you."
"You mustn't think that." He brushed a strand of hair away from her face. "Think of this in reverse for a moment. If it was me who had been injured in an accident and was unable to be intimate with you in that particular way, would you love me less?"
"No," she whispered.
"Then why should it be any different for me? Why do you think I love you any less than Mark did?"
Kathryn closed her eyes and was a moment with the words. "We ... We were never lovers," she said quietly. "I just said that he was when we got stranded." She opened her eyes, tried to force back the tears. "I didn't want any questions ... expectations..." She paused. "I had feelings for him but he never had feelings for me. He thought of me like a sister. He told me. He was in love with someone else ... the woman he eventually married." She paused again. "There hasn't been anyone since Justin ... well, except Jaffen, and we didn't..." She stopped, wiped away a tear. "I'm sorry I deceived you."
"It's alright," Chakotay replied. "I understand. I just wish you hadn't hidden behind protocol. Intimacy can be difficult for lots of couples for lots of different reasons, but they still have happy, wonderful, relationships." ;
"I know," Kathryn replied, looking up at him. "Just when it happens to you..."
"You lose perspective."
She nodded. "I've been so confused, Chakotay. I didn't know what to do for the best, how not to hurt you. I thought ... perhaps ... things had improved by now. It's been over twenty years." She paused. "I planned on going to see my doctor ... see if they had ... but I was too scared ... didn't want to know if..." She paused again. "But I'll make an appointment tomorrow ... Then we'll know."
Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll come with you."
"No ... there's no need..."
"I want too," he replied. "From now on we deal with this together."
"It won't be our doctor," Kathryn said quietly. "I don't see him any more. I told him it's because he's my friend and I'd rather not mix ethics, but the truth is I don't want him to know. When we were on Voyager, I ... I altered my medical file so that the doctor wouldn't know of my problem."
Chakotay inhaled sharply. "Kathryn, that was..."
"Stupid and dangerous, I know..." She answered. "But I was scared, Chakotay ... I was scared he would malfunction and tell everyone ... I couldn't bear the thought of that."
Chakotay had to take a deep breath to control the anxious frustration he felt at the danger she had put herself in. But there was no point being angry about it now. It was all in the past. She was well, safe...
"I fixed him too so that he wouldn't detect my problem and just tried to get myself out of as many check ups as I could, just incase his program had been changed without my knowing. After he had captured my image on the deep body scan, I managed to erase it before he had time to study it in any detail. He was none too pleased, especially as I wouldn't pose for another, but I just couldn't risk having it on file."
Chakotay took her hand in his once more. "Just promise me you'll never do anything like that again, Kathryn."
Kathryn looked up at him and saw infinite concern in his eyes. "I promise," she said.
Chakotay held Kathryn's hand tight as her doctor examined her, both manually and with technology. Kathryn lay still on the white biobed, her face as pale as the sheet beneath her. The doctor was a friendly lady, a good deal older than Kathryn, and had been her physician since childhood. She talked as she examined her, trying to put her patient at ease, but Kathryn said little and clearly was close to tears. Chakotay couldn't imagine what she was going through, being prodded and probed as though she was some kind of mare being assessed whether or not she was suitable for a stallion. Being here with her, seeing what she was going through, he finally began to understand why she had some of the feelings she did about sex. Here, something so beautiful, so sacred, was being treated so clinically. At last the doctor was finished and drew away from the bed.
"All finished," she said kindly. "Put on your underwear and then come over to the desk."
She smiled sadly at Chakotay as she passed him and he knew from the look in her eyes that she did not have good news to tell them. He turned back to Kathryn and kissed her hand gently. "I'll wait for you at the desk."
She nodded and he kissed her hand again before leaving her.
Kathryn was longer than it should have taken her to dress, but neither Chakotay or the doctor rushed her. At last she appeared from behind the screen. Her eyes were heavy, dark, and Chakotay wished so much that he could somehow spare her all this. Kathryn sat in a chair next to Chakotay and as soon as she did so, he reached for her hand and took it in his. She was trembling violently.
"I'm afraid nothing's changed," the doctor said gently.
"I see," Kathryn whispered, fighting the tears.
"But advances are being made all the time," the doctor continued, "and there are few frontiers left for us to chart in medical science, so there is every possibility that in five or six years time, maybe less, we'll be able to help you."
Kathryn knew the doctor was trying to be encouraging, but at that moment, five or six years seemed an eternity.
Chakotay addressed the doctor. "Can you tell me more about the nature of her injuries?"
"The problem is not so much the injuries Kathryn received, but the way they were treated. It's very difficult to undo the effects of incompetent surgery, especially when they involve vital organs. Of course the female reproductive organs are not vital for survival, but the way Kathryn's injuries were treated makes it difficult for us to undo them without damage to vital organs. But as I said, medical science is advancing all the time and in several years we might be able to help. At the moment, however, Kathryn's injuries mean that sexual intercourse would be very painful and full penetration could not be achieved."
"Are there any other limitations? Any other things I could do that would cause her pain or damage?"
"No," the doctor replied. "The damage is internal. So long as your lovemaking does not include intercourse, there are no limitations."
Another tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she could not bring herself to look at either the doctor or Chakotay. It was too much to hear something so private, so special, being discussed this way.
"If you like I can give you both a manual," the doctor continued, "that describes alternatives to conventional lovemaking. You may find it helpful."
Chakotay didn't think they would need a manual, that he possessed enough knowledge and experience already, but he thought it might help Kathryn to see that other people were in teh same position they were.
"Thank you," Chakotay replied.
The doctor smiled. "I'll replicate them for you."
The doctor left them and went over to the replicator. Kathryn stood up, avoiding Chakotay's gaze.
"I'll wait for you outside, Chakotay," she said, "in the park ... I need some fresh air."
He nodded. "Alright."
Kathryn left the room and the doctor returned to Chakotay with the manuals. They were bound in discreet black leather, for which Chakotay was grateful. She handed them to him and spoke as she did so.
"Kathryn has never really accepted her condition," she said. "I wanted her to have counseling, talk about her feelings, but she wouldn't hear of it. Coming here today with you must have taken a lot of courage."
Chakotay nodded. He knew it had taken more courage for her to do this than it ever had for her to face the Borg or species 8472 or any of their other villains in the Delta Quadrant.
"She clearly loves you very much and it's obvious you love her. I'm sure you'll get through this."
Chakotay smiled softly. "Thank you." He had every intention that they would.
Chakotay found Kathryn sitting on a bench in the park. The park was quiet, almost deserted. She looked up at his approach and then stood up. She saw the manuals under his arm and was also thankful that they were a discreet black. Chakotay stopped before her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Let's sit a while."
They sat on the bench and Chakotay pulled out the manuals from under his arm. He handed one to her. "Your copy."
Kathryn hesitantly took it. "Thank you."
He gazed at her sadly. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I know you were hoping for some change."
Tears welled in her eyes. "It has been so long... I thought there would be something ... you know? Some change?"
He took her hand in his. "I understand."
"But now it's final. There's no hope. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I wanted it so much for us."
He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her. "I know." He kissed her hair and then leant his head against hers. "But there's always hope, Kathryn. You heard what the doctor said. In five or six years they may have the technology to help."
"But that's a long time, Chakotay, and might never happen." She paused. "I know you've told me it doesn't matter," she said quietly, "that you still love me, but I still feel so inadequate... that I'm being so unfair to you by even considering a relationship."
Chakotay drew slightly away from her. "This is my choice, Kathryn. I love you and I want to be with you." He paused. "I could have wild and passionate sex with a thousand different women every night but it would be nowhere near as satisfying as just holding you in my arms. I don't want anyone else, don't need anyone else. I just want you, Kathryn. You're my best friend and I never want to live without you."
Kathryn nestled closer to him and wished she could bury herself inside his love forever. But she doubted his love would last forever. It couldn't.
Warm sea air blew against Kathryn's face as she stood on the balcony of a private beach house. Chakotay had suggested a weekend vacation for them to spend some special time alone, and they had chosen a secluded beach in Florida. She gazed out at beautiful sands and sea stretching out into the horizon before her and thought this had to be the most beautiful place on Earth. At that moment, she could never remember being happier in her entire life. She and Chakotay had spent the day walking and sitting on the sands, and had just shared a wonderful candlelight meal. She wished time could stand still, that she could live this moment forever. Chakotay walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.
"Happy?"
Kathryn turned to him and nodded.
He smiled warmly, seeing the sincerity in her eyes, and then kissed her lips softly. Kathryn slipped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. They kissed long, time seeming both a second and an eternity. When they drew apart, Chakotay reached into the pocket of his shirt and pulled out a small black box. He opened it and inside, buried in black velvet, was a beautiful diamond ring.
"Marry me, Kathryn."
Kathryn gazed tearfully at the ring. It sparkled in the moonlight and was so beautiful, so perfect. She so wanted to accept it, so wanted to marry him. But she couldn't.
"I can't," she whispered tearfully. "I'm sorry."
She turned away from him, leaving the balcony.
Chakotay called after her. "Kathryn..."
But she had already gone.
Sleepy waves caressed the shore. Kathryn watched them as she sat on moonlit sand, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, hugging them to her body. Tears streaked her face, falling in rhythm to the hush of the sea. Chakotay slowly approached her and sat beside her. Her tears hurt him and all he wanted to do was hold her close, kiss away her pain, but first he would have to reach her.
"I've always loved the sea," he said quietly. "I love to watch the tide ebb and flow, the waves crash against the rocks. They give such a sense of eternity, transcend time." He paused. "The waves were washing these shores long before we were born and will still be doing so long after we're gone." He paused again. "We're only given one life in this world, Kathryn, one moment of time. I want to spend my life, my time, with you."
Kathryn turned to him tearfully. "But how can I be enough for you? I'm not..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "I'm not a proper woman."
Chakotay gathered her in his arms and held her close. "Oh, Kathryn ... You're an amazing woman... a wonderful, incredible, courageous, beautiful woman."
Kathryn wept softly in his arms and he rocked her gently. "Never say that again, never think it." His tears fell into her auburn hair. "I wish I could take my heart out of my body and show you all the love I have inside for you. Because if you could see it, if you could touch it, then you wouldn't doubt anymore, wouldn't hurt anymore." He fought back the tears. "But I can't, Kathryn. All I can do is tell you ... show you ... and ask you to believe me."
Kathryn held him tight. "I just want what's best for you," she said softly. "That's all I want."
"And what's best for me is you," he replied. "I love you, I need you, and I want you to be my wife."
Kathryn drew away from him and looked up at him tearfully. "And I want to marry you, Chakotay. You don't know how much I want that. But I can't ... not without being sure it's what's right for you..." Her tears flowed softly. "We can find out more about the advances they're making and just how likely it is they can help me in a few years time. And once we've slept together, then we'll know ... know whether it can be good for you until then. I've read the manual, I..."
Chakotay interrupted her, squeezing her shoulders... "Kathryn, I don't need to sleep with you to know that I love you." He brushed her hair away from her face. "And as I've said before, we can't sacrifice the present for a future that might or might not happen. I love you, Kathryn, and I always will love you, no matter what happens." He raised her face to level his. "And when we make love, I promise it will be wonderful. And it will be wonderful because we love each other. Please don't doubt, Kathryn. Just trust me, just trust in my love for you."
Kathryn looked deep into his eyes and knew he was wrong when he said she couldn't see into his heart, because in his eyes she could see into it's core, and could see his love for her shining deep in its center.
She touched his face, his tattoo. "I trust you, Chakotay ... I believe..."
Chakotay reached into his pocket once again and pulled out the black box containing the ring. He opened it slowly and held out the box to her.
"Then marry me, Kathryn."
Kathryn reached out and tentatively touched the sparkling diamond. Then she looked up at him. Tears choked her and all she could do was nod. Chakotay smiled through his own tears and took the ring out of the box. He gently slipped it onto her wedding finger and then drew her against him, holding her close.
Arm in arm Kathryn and Chakotay walked back to the beach house. They laughed as they walked and just as they reached the house, they stopped, turned to each other, and kissed in the moonlight. Then they gazed deep into each others eyes.
"I love you," Chakotay whispered.
Kathryn smiled. "I love you too."
They had planned this night for days, the night when they would finally consummate their love, and for days Kathryn had been anxious about it. But there was no doubt now, no fear...
There was just one problem.
"You know," she said, "we're both covered in sand."
Chakotay smiled and glanced briefly at their clothes. "So we are." He took her hands in his. "You take a bath and I'll take a shower."
Kathryn smiled in return. "Sounds good to me."
Chakotay waited patiently in their luxurious sea view bedroom for Kathryn to emerge from the bathroom. He was dressed only in a white robe, the belt tied casually around his waist. At last Kathryn emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a matching white robe. She gasped as she entered the room. Soft classical music was playing and Chakotay had filled the room with beautiful silver candles. He stepped away from the bed and Kathryn saw that on one of the pillows lay a single red rose. She could hardly hold back the tears. She walked over to the bed and picked up the rose. She closed her eyes and let herself drown in the fragrance. Then she turned to Chakotay.
"It's all so beautiful, Chakotay. So beautiful."
Chakotay smiled. "I want everything to be perfect for us."
Kathryn gazed tearfully into his eyes. "And it is, thank you."
Chakotay gently took the rose from her hand, put it on the table beside the bed, and then took her hands in his.
"Thank you, Kathryn. Thank you for loving me."
A tear ran down her face and slowly, gently, she raised her lips to his and kissed him softly. He gathered her close and they kissed tenderly in the soft candlelight.
Later, Kathryn lay in Chakotay's arms, safely cocooned within them and the white satin sheets that covered them. She felt completely at peace, felt as though old ghosts had been completely laid to rest. Every now and then a tear ran down her cheek and trickled onto Chakotay's chest. Never had she thought she would share a moment like this with him in any place other than her dreams. She raised herself to look at him and saw that there was a peace in his eyes too. He reached out and brushed his fingers against her cheek.
"How do you feel?"
Kathryn smiled . "As though I'm dreaming."
Chakotay traced the course of a tear down her cheek. "If this is a dream," he whispered. "I never want to wake up."
Fresh tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she leant forward and kissed his lips softly. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her in return. Then she began to shower his neck with tiny kisses. Chakotay cherished her touch, cherished her kiss. She was no longer hesitant, unassured, but kissed him confidently. He never wanted that to change, never wanted to see her hurt as much as he had seen her hurt over the past few weeks and knew she had been hurting for too many years.
"You know," he said with slight amusement, "some of the things you did weren't in the manual."
Kathryn chuckled softly and looked up at him. "Well, there's always room for improvisation."
He laughed softly and then her lips once again found his and they surrendered to another kiss.
A Month Later
Kathryn sat in a comfortable chair before a tame log cabin fire and gazed at Chakotay as he slept on a couch. He was lying upon a furry fawn fleece, his head on a cushion, and looked perfectly content. She had found him that way when she had returned from the kitchen after clearing up after their meal, and she had put a warm blanket over him. Even though it was spring, and the sun was shining brightly over green fields, the Austrian air was cool. For their wedding, they had decided to return to the Alps of Austria, where they had first come together a few months earlier.
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek as she looked at Chakotay, and she wiped it away. As she did so, her engagement ring glittered as it caught the light and all Kathryn's attention turned to the ring. Another tear ran down her cheek as she touched it. She loved Chakotay so much, and wanted to marry him more than anything, but a part of her still kept thinking it wouldn't be fair to expect such a commitment from him. Their wedding was only two days away and the closer it got, the more doubt plagued her mind. It was only going to be a small civil wedding, just her, Chakotay, and close family, so it was a wedding that could easily be called off any time. But if she was going to call it off, it would be better to do it sooner than later.
Chakotay stirred awake and Kathryn wiped away her remaining tears as he sat up.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep," he smiled. "This couch is just too comfortable."
Kathryn made no reply and just turned towards the fire and gazed into the low burning flames.
Chakotay saw the remnants of tears on her cheek and saw that she was trembling slightly.
"What's wrong, Kathryn?" he asked kindly.
Kathryn lowered her head and a tear ran down her cheek and fell into the brown woolen sweater she was wearing.
"I can't marry you," she whispered.
A dull pain filled Chakotay's eyes. "But it's all arranged..."
"And can easily be unarranged. I can't marry you..."
There was a long silence as Chakotay tried to absorb this. "Are you going to tell me why?"
Kathryn turned to him tearfully. "You know why, Chakotay!"
Chakotay took a long, deep, breath, and then stood up. "Come here, Kathryn."
Kathryn didn't respond.
"Come on."
Hesitantly, reluctantly, Kathryn got to her feet. Chakotay gently laid his hands on her shoulders.
"I love you, Kathryn. I want you to be my wife. Nothing matters to me but being with you. I thought you had accepted that. I didn't think any of this was still an issue."
"It wasn't," Kathryn said quietly, "I mean it hasn't been. But now that the wedding is so close, I can't help think of it. Marriage is such a huge commitment."
"But a mutual one. You commit yourself to me and I commit myself to you. And it's a commitment I want to make to you more than anything. All you have to consider is whether you want to make that same commitment to me."
Kathryn looked up at him. "Of course I do. I love you. I just don't think it would be..."
Chakotay put his fingers to her lips. "Fair to me, I know. But this is my choice, Kathryn. It's something I want to do, something I long to do. What wouldn't be fair to me would be to deprive me of that choice." He lay his hands on her shoulders again. "Making love with you is wonderful, Kathryn. It's wonderful in every way. Please don't doubt that."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek as she looked into his eyes. "But not as good for you as it could be with another woman. That's the truth."
Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes. "No it isn't the truth, Kathryn. The truth is every other woman pales in comparison to you. I love you. I need you."
Kathryn wept softly and leant her head on Chakotay's shoulder as he gathered her close.
"But what of children? I can't give us a child..."
"I want to marry you for you," Chakotay answered. "And I've always assumed that you don't want children."
Kathryn broke slightly away from him. "I do. I mean, I would like one child. I just... I just had to accept that I couldn't have one... not naturally... I couldn't carry a child."
Chakotay caressed her arms softly. "There are other ways, Kathryn. Surrogacy, for example. Adoption. We can explore both avenues."
"I ... I would rather adoption," she said. "There are so many children in need of a loving home. "
Chakotay took her hand in his. "Then how about we contact Children's Services when we get back from honeymoon and see if we are eligible to adopt?"
Kathryn nodded with a smile and then leant into him once more.
The Renaissance Austrian civil marriage office was very quiet as Kathryn waited in a small timber framed side room for her mother and sister to arrive by transportation from Indiana. She was dressed in an elegant, but simple, long white velvet gown with lace sleeves. Her hair was tied up and on her head rested a beautiful diamond tiara. Around her neck she wore a matching diamond necklace that sparkled in the sunlight.
At last, Phoebe materialized. She was dressed in a pale blue trouser suit and her long brown hair flowed loose over her shoulders. When their mother didn't appear, Kathryn questioned.
"Where's Mom?"
Phoebe bit her lip and seemed distinctively uncomfortable. "She isn't feeling too well. She thinks it's best not to come."
"No," Kathryn said, tears welling in her eyes, "that's not it. She just doesn't want to come. She's always made it quite clear how she feels about Chakotay."
"She's just concerned because of his criminal background..."
"Chakotay had his reasons for joining the Maquis," she answered, fighting hard to hold back the tears. "He's the most gentle, loving, least selfish man I have ever known. And if you're not here to celebrate our marriage with us, then you can go back to Indiana to Mom. After all, they say misery likes company."
Phoebe put her hand on her sister's shoulder. "I was just trying to explain if from Mom's point of view. You know how narrow minded she is. I like Chakotay, I really do. And I'm so happy that you're getting married." She couldn't help smile. "It's about time."
Kathryn had to smile a little at that.
"If Mom doesn't want to celebrate with us," Phoebe continued, "that's her loss."
Kathryn nodded and wiped away a stray tear from her eye.
Phoebe picked up Kathryn's bouquet of white roses and handed them to her sister. "Come on. Let's get this party underway."
In the presence of a few close friends and family, Kathryn and Chakotay made their vows to each other in a small hall that was almost a thousand years old. Kathryn trembled slightly as they made their promises to one another, a part of her still fearing that at some moment Chakotay would change his mind. But the love in his eyes as he looked at her never changed and not once did he hesitate in making his promises to her. The only hesitation came from her. And it came on the final vow that would make them husband and wife. For a second that seemed an eternity, all the doubts that had ever entered her mind rushed through them now. But they faded away as the sparkling joy in Chakotay's eyes faded at her hesitation. She squeezed Chakotay's hands in hers and finally whispered "I do."
The registrar pronounced them husband and wife and Chakotay tearfully drew his bride close and kissed her lips tenderly. The small audience watching applauded, and clapped louder as Kathryn deepened the kiss in return.
END OF PART ONE