Chuck Versus the Birthday
By Steampunk . Chuckster
Summary: Agent Bryce Larkin's puzzling attempt to look up an old college friend after he disappears with U.S. Intelligence's top secret Intersect sends Larkin's betrayed partner Agent Walker to Echo Park, Los Angeles, California as Chuck Bartowski's birthday approaches. Slight AU of the pilot.
A/N: THANK YOU! You've all been very nice about this fic. It's a miracle I finished it before the end of the year haha. I hope you enjoyed it, though. Genuinely. And I hope this turns out to be one you go back to time and time again, if you need a pick me up. Or something. Thanks for everything. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own CHUCK or its characters. I'm not making money posting this.
One Year Later
He listened to the little tune again, grinning hard.
She'd sent it six days earlier, their special coded language he'd invented, something they could send phone to phone. He'd even linked it to his smart watch so that he could hold it up to his ear at work, listen to the melodious little deedle-deedle doodle-doo that meant I love you.
She wasn't deep undercover this time.
Instead, Agent Sarah Walker had been sent on a mission that was somewhere in South America. That was the only info he was allowed. She'd texted him that it seemed like an easy in and out job.
But it had been two weeks since she'd been home.
She texted him two days ago, bummed, not sure when she'd be done with this mission. They'd hit a snag. Her NSA partner grumbled a lot, wasn't nearly as fun to be around as she'd hoped. But he was loyal and a good agent. She trusted him.
Chuck turned on the tune again, sighing.
Deedle-deedle doodle-doo.
I love you.
He'd sent the same code back to her. Twice. And he hoped it made her feel a little less alone down there as she worked.
Sarah went back to work in November, and now almost eleven months later, he'd finally gotten to a point where he wasn't freaking the fuck out every time she went off on a mission. Was she safe? Had she been shot? Was she lying somewhere, dying, and he was here in LA, just going about life like normal?
She'd had to really work at it, and he was ashamed of it, but she got him to understand that while there were risks associated with being a spy, she wasn't taking needless risks anymore. She had something to come home to. She was coming home.
And she had.
Over and over and over again, she'd come home.
Part of him had wondered, couldn't help wondering, if Bryce Larkin would ever show his face again. He turned from where he lay draped over his bed and looked at the Tron poster he'd taken with him to his new apartment six months ago. He'd given it prime space on his wall. And behind it, he'd installed a hidden safe. Inside of that safe was the Intersect, still entrapped in that harddrive. Hidden away, protected.
At least he hoped so.
Time would tell if it would stay that way.
They'd never caught Agent Larkin, either, Sarah told him. She kept him up to date on their search. Here and there, they almost caught up to him, but he escaped in the nick of time…every time. Chuck was more than glad. Not because he didn't trust Bryce to keep his secret if he was caught, even if he was tortured, which left a sick feeling in his gut. (Sarah ensured him that wasn't going to happen, but he'd seen movies. He knew all that secret shit that happened in bunkers that none of us out here were supposed to know about.) But because in spite of everything, Chuck had grown to understand and even appreciate the pains his old friend had gone to in order to try to protect him, yes, but also to preserve some semblance of normalcy for him.
Chuck thought that perhaps, in spite of Bryce's best efforts, he might just be drawn to an abnormal life, destined to wander off the beaten path. He was in a serious relationship with a CIA agent—a super spy. He was endlessly in love with her. They were building a life together, such as it was. And he had a copy of the top secret project, the Intersect, an info dump on serious crack, hidden in his bedroom in his new apartment. An apartment he'd had to work extremely hard for.
That Intersect was something the U.S. Intelligence community would lose its collective mind over if they knew it existed. They'd leave no stone unturned. He'd be in some deep shit. Worse than that, Sarah would likely be in the deepest shit of all. She'd have to go to ground too, escape, run. Forever.
That hadn't happened. They didn't know. The Intersect was safely hidden behind Tron.
Still, Bryce was out there. Watching his back. And it was comforting in its own way.
Chuck pressed the button again, listening to the deedle-deedle doodle-doo and smiling up at the ceiling.
He fell asleep that way, his phone tipping onto the mattress next to him, and he slept until the wee hours of the morning, in a deep sleep, but not deep enough to sleep through the strange sound at his window.
He was on the third floor of the building. Fear should've pricked at his heart when he heard the lock of the window being jimmied, the quiet swoosh of the window being pulled up.
A gust of cold Autumn air wafted into his bedroom.
The window hadn't opened itself…
But Chuck didn't feel fear.
His back to the window, he stayed "sleeping", even as a grin spread over his face.
He waited, waited, waited some more….hearing the squeak and swish of leather and denim, zippers, and finally the sound of the leather and denim and…eventually the cotton…hitting his hardwood floors.
The mattress shifted on the other side of the bed, the covers over him moving as his early morning intruder snuck into bed with him.
Chuck couldn't keep up the game anymore and he rolled over to face her, making her bark out a laugh in surprise as he lunged at her to wrap her up in his arms. Her body was so cold, not even a shred of clothing on her, and he didn't care. He just clung to her as tightly as he could, knowing he might be crushing her a little, but eh. She was crushing him back, her cold face against his neck, lips pressed to his skin.
He finally relinquished his hold just slightly, but before he could say anything, she went to work, and he shut up quick.
She undressed him, kissing every bit of him that was revealed.
And they wrestled silently for control, teasing, breathless chuckles and beaming grins.
He ignored her ice cold feet against his calves as he entered her, twisting his fingers in the pillow under her head. And as she dug her own fingers into his skin, throwing her head back, he let himself get lost in her and didn't stop even as the sun rose outside of his bedroom, spraying light across the floorboards, across his bed—their bed.
Eventually, they stilled, limbs tangled, lips still pressed together, tasting, wandering along overheated skin.
"I missed you so much," he breathed against her mouth, running his hand down to her hip and squeezing. She slung her leg over his and tugged him closer with her strong thigh.
"I missed you," she whispered back, smiling toothily. He felt her teeth graze his chin, his jaw, his ear as she repeated it again, giving him a tight tug against her.
He found her fingers in his hair, playing with his curls, and he blinked his eyes open. She'd been watching him, those tired blue eyes so satisfied and maybe even relieved. Relieved her mission was over? Or relieved she was here? Both?
"Am I dreaming? Or are you really here?"
"You aren't dreaming. I'm here."
"I thought you and Casey hit a snag."
"We did. But we unsnagged it." She grinned, tilting her chin to kiss his nose. "That guy is a grump but he's really good at this. I also maybe saved his life this time around, so I think I've finally wormed my way into his good graces."
"Oh, score," he drawled, giving her a proud squeeze.
"Mhmm. I got a little grunt and a, 'Hey. Walker. Thanks.' Just like that," she said, affecting a deep growl that was obviously supposed to be her NSA partner.
He chuckled, their chests bouncing together.
She was so pleased with herself, so adorable, so here. Oh God she was here. Finally.
"I'm so glad you're here," he couldn't help saying, kissing down her jaw. "I'm glad you two unsnagged the snag so quickly. And I don't even need to know how long you're staying before your next mission. Don't tell me if you have to leave right now. Please don't tell me. Just let me live in this moment with you." Overwhelmed with how good it felt to have her in his arms like this again, he buried his face under her jaw and kissed her neck. "I want to hold you for a little while, that's all."
Sarah groaned breathily, squeezing him even tighter. "Can I tell you if I'm not leaving? If it seems like the next mission might not be for a while?"
Chuck pulled back a little to look her in her face. "You aren't?"
She bit her lip and shook her head slowly. "I'm taking another little break. I'm due for one."
"Oh. Oh hell yes." He dove back in, making her laugh.
They wrestled again, Sarah getting that mischievous look in her face that drove him crazy as she pinned him underneath her. She nudged him with her hips, making him whimper. "This is very new for my superiors but they know now that if they want me operating at my best, I need more time off. And let me tell you, Director Graham is having a hard time figuring out why I need a break after every single mission. He wants to know where I'm running off to."
He smiled dreamily up at her, even as he clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes. "That's none of his business."
Sarah let out an adrenalized giggle. "God, I love it when you're all righteous like this."
She cut off whatever it was he'd been about to say—he forgot—by shifting her hips just so, starting things back up again. And he forgot about everything else that existed in the world besides her.
}o{
Sarah Walker shut her eyes and let herself savor the way the bacon melted in her mouth, the grease and fat so damn delicious on her tongue.
The hands blanketing her feet gave an equally delicious squeeze, fingers digging into that incredible spot right in the middle of the bottom of her foot, and she groaned, melting back into her chair. "You're so good at that, but you don't have to. I didn't put my feet there for a massage," she insisted. She really hadn't.
"Eh. Whether it's your intention or not, it's what's happening now. Deal with it."
"Daaaammmnnn," she drawled, biting her lip and finishing the piece of bacon, waiting to lick her fingers until he was looking right at her. She took her time too. His brown eyes got a storm-like look in them as he smiled a little, really going to town on her left foot.
"Ah… okay, yeah. I needed the massage." She'd felt an uncomfortable twinge as he massaged, almost like she'd been using her feet for crazy shit for the last two weeks.
She had.
She thought she'd maybe even bruised a bone in it after kicking someone barefoot.
Luckily it didn't seem to be terribly bruised, and Chuck was greatly improving the situation.
"I'm here for you," he teased.
But she wasn't really in the mood to respond in kind with a cute little glib comment, like he was probably expecting her to. So instead, she met his gaze and said seriously, "I know you are. You never let me forget it."
His hands stalled on her feet and he smiled softly. "I never will, either."
She sighed happily, shaking her head at him, reaching over to take a sip of coffee, loving the way his robe felt rubbing against her skin, so soft and warm and way way oversized.
"You don't have to work, do you?" she asked, giving him a pitiful sad little pout with a tinge of hope to it.
"There's a bit of stuff I need to work on here, but they've got it handled at the Buy More, I think." He shrugged, unable to keep from smiling as an excited look came over her face. "I'll text and let 'em know I won't be in."
"Stuff you're working on here? Your game?" He nodded with a mute smile. "How's it coming?"
"Pretty good. Actually, really good. I've got some really good storylines going and I think if I'm able to get a monetary backer, I can get the gears turning on this thing." He beamed at her. "I'm scared to think maybe it might…work out."
"Scared?" She tilted her head.
"Yeah. I guess. It's just a huge change. Having something actually…work out."
"Hey, what about me?" She poked him with her toe teasingly. "I worked out, didn't I? This?" She gestured lazily between them.
Yeah, he thought to himself. Oh, hell yeah, this had worked out.
He nodded.
"This definitely worked out. I have this sneaking suspicion it's only gonna get better and better."
His phone buzzed then and he reached over to the table where he'd left it as they made breakfast, snagging it and peeping the screen.
"What is it? It isn't some Buy More emergency is it? Can you tell them your girlfriend's back in town and they can deal with it themselves? Will that work?"
Chuck snorted and shook his head, but he kept his eyes on the text message.
Because it was from an unlisted number. Encrypted even.
"The terrible troll raises his sword…"
Chuck stared at it, his heart racing, his mind going a mile a minute. Nobody knew about that except for Bryce Larkin, Agent Bryce Larkin, spy on the run.
His protector. Well, one of them at least. His protector from afar, as the case seemed to be. And Sarah was his protector who was oh so gloriously here, at least for the moment.
There were so many ways this text could go. The last time Bryce sent him this, he'd been attempting to get him to download the Intersect into his brain. Did he know something bad was going down? Was it time? Was he sending another Intersect copy to Chuck's phone? If he answered it in the way he knew Bryce wanted him to, would he download the Intersect into his brain?
"No, it-it isn't the Buy More," he reassured Sarah. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere."
But he wasn't so sure about that as he looked down at the screen. Because if he answered it, if he took the Intersect into his brain, he wasn't sure he would survive it.
He'd leave Sarah alone.
And after a year of building this life with one another, this incredible year with all of its ups and downs, every day both of them falling harder in love.
He had so much to lose here.
But what if the world depended on him?
Could Bryce even send something like this through the phone?
He imagined that was a fucking massive file, if it had top secret files from multiple intelligence agencies around the world in it.
And before he could really think it through, before he could tell Sarah about Bryce's text…before he could tell Sarah Walker how much he loved her, even just the one last time potentially, he sent:
"Attack troll with nasty knife."
He waited, his whole body going tense.
"What?" Sarah's voice changed from the lazy, delicious drawl she'd been using all morning to something a lot more alert, serious even. The spy awoke in her as she sat up, pulling her feet from his lap. "What is it?"
Chuck furrowed his brow, frowning. Confused. "N-Nothing. …I guess."
"What are you talking about?"
"I…think Bryce is texting me, Sarah."
"What?!"
She sat forward and immediately rose to her feet, crossing to him, peering down at the phone. "What is this?" She tapped the screen where his original text showed up almost violently. "Isn't this what he put in that email with the Intersect?" She grabbed his shoulder, turning terrified blue eyes on him. "You texted him back! Is this what he wanted you to respond with? You sent this? Are you crazy?!"
Chuck could only shrug. "Nothing happened."
"You do realize the Intersect could've been in this, Chuck!" she hissed. "That it could've been put inside of your brain, that the thing we were all afraid of happening might've happened! And what would I do if I was sitting right here, having to watch as your brain was turned to soup right in front of me?!"
"I'm-I'm sorry. It was muscle memory. My fingers just typed it out and hit send."
"Oh great. That's comforting. Oh my God," she breathed, sinking back into her chair as she pulled it closer to his. "I could've—Right in front of my eyes, I could've lost you." She sucked in a deep breath and let it out roughly. She looked significantly shaken up, pushing her hands through her hair.
He didn't understand why he wasn't shaken up.
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. What if something bad's happened? Bad guys got their hands on the Intersect and the…world needs me or something?"
"You didn't even pause to think about it! To weigh your options. To talk to me?! I'm not just the spy sent here to make sure you weren't working with a renegade agent this time. I'm your girlfriend. I'm your partner. We have a life together, Chuck!"
"I know. We do. I'm sorry."
She took another deep breath, blinking a few times, and she reached out to take his arm, shaking herself. "Well, did…did anything happen? Is it…in you? In your head?"
Chuck shook his head numbly. "Nothing's different. I don't think it had anything in it. He isn't even responding now."
"Why did he send it then?"
"I…don't know. Maybe it's like…what we send each other," he said, gesturing between them. "The tune codes. To talk to each other without people knowing. Maybe he wants to make sure it's me before he…relays a message or something."
She huffed, standing up and grabbing their plates, stacking them and walking to the kitchen. "This is crazy. You could've been—Why would he just text out of the blue like this? After a year? You're sure it's him?"
"Yeah," Chuck breathed, looking down at it.
Suddenly, another text popped up.
"There you are. U ok?"
Chuck glanced over his shoulder at Sarah as she kept talking through her thoughts. "If something's going down with the Intersect, he should go through me too. Right? Like, I'm the one who should be—"
"I'm fine. Good. And you? Are you okay?"
"Dandy. ;)"
"What's going on? Why you texting me like this?"
"And of all the things, sending the same message he put in that email that could've put the Intersect in your head!" Sarah was still grousing in the kitchen, slamming things into the sink. "Does he ever think of anyone besides himself? Like, he's got all the answers for everything! Maybe he doesn't know best! Maybe he shouldn't be sending you texts that could potentially fucking kill you?!"
"Sorry if it spooked ya. Needed to know it was u. I know now. I realized that it's been a year and a lots happened. And 1 thing that never happened is I never said thanks. For everything. For being the guy I trusted you'd be. Not letting me down, proving me right." Chuck squirmed a bit at that last part. He didn't like the way Bryce phrased that, especially considering Sarah was going off about how he thought he was right about everything. Bryce had just proven her right.
"Oh sure. Yeah. Welcome."
"No man. Thank u. Seriously. Ur sticking ur neck out. Still. Protecting the thing. Thank u."
A terrible thought occurred to Chuck then. People did things like this in movies and TV shows, sending thank you notes, saying thank you, before riding off into the sunset and never coming back.
Before heading into a battle in which they were sure they were going to die.
"This isn't goodbye is it? Please don't do that. You gotta stay safe wherever you are k? Don't you say goodbye to me man."
Chuck got up from his chair and just stood there, staring at his phone.
Sarah stopped her diatribe against Bryce in the kitchen, and then he felt her step up beside him. "Chuck. What is it? Are you okay?" Her fingers slid over the back of his neck comfortingly.
"I…don't know. I'm worried about him. He… I don't know."
"Why?" He heard the worry in her voice. "What'd he say?"
Chuck could only shake his head.
Until finally…a response.
"Not a goodbye just a thank u. Somebody's gotta say thank u for all ur doing man. They dont know about you n they wont so they wont say thanks. But I know and thank u." Chuck could only watch, swallowing thickly, as the next part appeared. Sarah had shifted to read it as well. "Ur a hero man. Biggest hero I ever met."
He felt something in his chest fall apart. He didn't know what. And he had to draw in a deep and sudden breath to keep his knees working. His fingers barely worked as he typed back. "Thank you."
"I mean it. U wouldve made a good spy. If thingsd been different."
Sarah made a strangled sound halfway between disbelief and disgust, and in spite of that, she stayed pressed close to his side, her hand still comforting against the back of his neck, her other hand resting on his stomach just over the waistband of his boxers. Her fingers shifting against him, reassuring. She had to know how this was hitting, at least a little. No one would ever truly know just how deep it hit though.
"I fucked up a lot of things dude. Fucked up r friendship def. I hope someday we get to talk over a beer. I can explain some things. Or try. So maybe no goodbye but instead see u someday? In the meantime Ill be out here watchin ur back. Hope that brings u comfort."
Chuck didn't realize he was crying until Sarah moved in front of him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders, the other cradling his head and pulling him into a strong hug.
He hugged her back, the phone clutched tightly in his right hand, burying his face in the crook of her neck.
Why now? Why did years' worth of bottled up heartbreak and disappointment and trauma have to escape now? Because of some texts?
It wasn't just because of some texts.
He'd lost something that had been so precious to him. So many things. And he'd been too young to properly deal with it all. It had been such a rough and sudden whiplash that it stripped him of any sort of ability to deal with any of it. Even with the support he'd had around him.
He'd been too young to deal with his parents abandoning him because he hadn't fully understood it, and maybe Ellie had blocked him from the worst of it. He'd been too blindsided to deal with losing his spot at Stanford, the humiliating and shameful expulsion that sent him packing and into a deep depression. And he'd been too shocked to understand how to deal with losing a friendship that had meant more to him even than his romance with the girlfriend he'd been so sure he was deeply in love with.
He'd essentially lost a brother.
In such a painful and cruel way.
And now that lost brother was texting him from who knew how far away, bringing it all up again. All of it bubbling to the surface, boiling over. And Sarah was here to hold onto him, keep him standing. Thank God. If she hadn't been here…
Chuck sucked in a deep breath, just barely holding back a sob, blinking through the tears.
Sarah readjusted her grip on him and merely squeezed him even tighter, her lips against his temple.
"S-Sorr—"
"Don't," she cut him off. "Don't say you're sorry." She stroked her hand through his curls at the back of his head. "I've got you."
He turned his face to press his mouth to her neck gratefully, and he let himself sag in her embrace, letting her hold him up a bit more. He knew his tears were wetting her skin, that she knew he was crying. And he let her know, let her feel it.
He wasn't hiding from her.
Chuck hated how much he wanted to have that beer with his old friend now. Today. He wanted to ask him so many questions. He needed so many things answered. And he wanted the friendship back.
But Bryce had fucked it up.
Their friendship had been the ultimate casualty of Bryce's decision. It had been a sacrifice. For Chuck's life? For his well-being? His happiness?
And it was too late to go back, to take any of that back. Chuck wasn't a spy. He hadn't downloaded the Intersect. And while he still could, while it was still locked away in the safe behind his Tron poster in his bedroom, there…waiting…waiting for him… Could that bond between the two young men at Stanford University six years ago be repaired?
God damn it, Chuck didn't know.
Chuck pulled in another wracking, deep breath and Sarah cradled him harder, kissing his head again. She didn't seem to know what to say, so she didn't say anything. And this was just one of the many things he loved so damn much about this woman.
The quiet was so easy and comfortable with her.
After a while, his fingers going numb from how hard he clung to her, Chuck sniffled, the tears having stopped but his face still wet with them. He let out a sigh, sniffling one more time. And he breathed brokenly, "I don't know what to do with this."
"You don't have to know what to do with it," she said quietly, stroking the nape of his neck, kissing his temple. "He threw a lot onto you, Chuck. Give yourself some grace."
"I don't want him out there hiding, dodging the CIA, moving in shadow…alone."
Sarah tensed for a moment, and then she pulled back, cradling his face in her hands as she looked into his eyes. Her own blue eyes were glassy with unshed tears. "…What?"
"The thought of him spending the rest of his existence on the run, hiding… It's fucked up, Sarah. How does someone live an existence like that without…I dunno, just wasting away from…aloneness?" Her thumb stroked over his cheek as he sniffled. "Maybe it's what he saved me from, and now he's fallen into that same sort of existence to protect me."
"What do you mean?"
"That would've been me, Sarah. If I'd downloaded the Intersect at twenty-one or whenever. They would've stuck me in a hole in the ground, alone. Potentially forever. Without…other people. No family, no friends. Nothing like this, definitely." He reached up to tenderly tuck her hair behind her ear. "He took away my choice, and that's something…both of us have gotta reckon with, him and me. But-But the future I worked so hard for? I can't help but wonder if this isn't so much better than what that would've been. He fucked up my future at Stanford with what he did, but he maybe saved me from a very painful and lonely future, and now he's the one with the painful and lonely future. A ghost. Forever. And I'm here, in my own place finally, with you."
Sarah rubbed her hands from his face down to his chest, not stopping until both hands were over his heart. "That was a decision he made, Chuck. Nobody ever took away his ability to choose for himself where his life went next. He's picking this future, no matter what it looks like. Maybe…" She swallowed hard. "I don't know. Maybe he feels like this is his penance. For what he did to you. The future he took away, whether it eventually gives you a better one than what you would've had or not. We'll never know. But this is where we're at now, Chuck Bartowski. And Bryce Larkin chose this."
He nodded, letting out a rough breath, and then he lunged to hug her again, burying his face in her hair.
Turning the phone so that he could see Bryce's last text, he typed one last response…at least for now.
"A beer sounds good man. I have a lot of questions. And maybe we can do it sooner rather than later. I'll wait tho. Thanks for lookin out for me. I wont let you down."
The response came back immediately.
"Thats one of the only things in this life I know 4 sure. The Elf never lets me down."
He let out a wet chuckle and gently pushed the phone onto the table, burying himself in Sarah's arms with everything in him.
}o{
Sarah tried not to tiptoe with him. She knew he hated tiptoeing, especially when it was her doing it around him, trying not to bring up hard things. He'd told her on numerous occasions and it was hard for her to keep to the agreement. It was foreign to her, not…avoiding emotions.
It was what she'd trained herself to do for her whole entire existence. Avoid the emotions, shove them down until it was like they weren't ever there in the first place. Never, ever pull them up, deal with them, talk about them.
She was still learning.
But those texts had genuinely left her wrecked to her core.
Part of her wanted to shake the idiot for answering the text without thinking about the repercussions.
If he'd ended up like the other subjects they'd tried to put the Intersect into, that would've been it. The end of all of this. He would've been brain dead. And she'd wouldn't have even had a chance to say goodbye, or say any of the things she needed him to know. He would've left her here alone, without him.
What was the rest of her life without Chuck Bartowski?
She squeezed his hand so hard she felt the feeling leaving her fingers. She didn't care. She wasn't losing him.
"Ah-Ah…ow…what's…?"
He pulled his hand away and she winced, giving him an apologetic look as he chuckled, shaking his hand out.
"I'm sorry. I was...getting lost in my thoughts."
Chuck nodded, and ever observant, he said, "The Intersect?" under his breath. She glanced around out of habit. But there weren't any people too close in this park they strolled through.
After everything seemed to calm down, she brought Chuck back to bed. She'd held him for longer, her heart broken, startled by the sight of him in tears, having never seen it before. And having never been tasked with comforting someone like that before, she'd just held onto him quietly, hoping it was the right thing.
And when he gently, tenderly, pushed apart the robe she wore, she knew what kind of comfort he was after, and she gave it to him with every part of herself, helping him to feel something else, wanting to feel something else herself.
Afterwards, they shared a shower, got dressed, and decided to go out to somewhere "with trees or something", as Chuck had requested.
Now Sarah was forced to nod. Lying to him was extremely difficult, and she didn't feel like she wanted to, either. Not with this, especially.
"I can't have that thing taking you away from me, Chuck. I won't let it."
He frowned deeply. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. It wasn't my intention to do that without…"
Sarah shook her head. "It's over and done with now. You're okay. That's the most important thing." She gulped, not sure how to continue, taking his hand again. For her own comfort as much as for his. "I guess I don't understand his way of…trying to make amends. It's weirdly broken. Texting somebody like that. The things he said. It feels almost…disconnected."
"He is disconnected. Isn't that what this life does to a person? I-I mean, the CIA. You told me enough times now for me to know. They cut you off enough and…that's what happens. You're disconnected."
Nodding, she threaded her fingers with his. "Yeah. It's really easy to find yourself disconnected. From people. The real world. Anything that isn't…the next mission. And now his mission is making sure nothing ever happens to you."
"That's so depressing."
She'd been with this man for a year now. It had been something of a rollercoaster at times, difficulties communicating, moments when she came back after missions to find him relieved and grateful she was okay and here in LA again while also sensing how unfair part of him thought all of this was, being away from her for extended periods of time and all that. And then they soared other times. Renting mountain cabins and little places near the beach for a few days at a time to lose themselves in one another again. Rediscovering this great and impenetrable love that had grown here between them.
The struggle of being away on a mission, deep undercover, while he made the move from Ellie and Devon's apartment to a place of his own had been such a low point in their relationship. He'd had to deal with all of the separation anxiety without her there to ease it, even just a little. She hadn't been able to help him with the smallest things, carrying boxes up from Ellie's SUV, helping him unpack, pick new things out, his own furniture, kitchen appliances. She'd missed so much in that four week period she'd been gone.
It had left her with crushing guilt. No way to communicate and tell him how proud she was, how sorry she was that she couldn't be there. All while operating on a plane of existence that could carry out her mission without slipping, letting something happen to her, making it so that she didn't come back to him.
And it was after all of that happened that Chuck secretly sat down to program his own language with the sound tones of the numbers on a phone. And he'd made her a little cheat sheet. And he'd presented it to her one night after a tense day of not really knowing what to say to one another.
She'd cried, throwing her arms around him, never having felt so emotionally volatile ever in her life.
The hills and valleys of this love somehow seemed to only make it stronger over the last year.
And still, she marveled at him.
She knew him so well and he still managed to take her breath away with the mere fact that he was the man that he was. A man who'd been so horribly dragged through mud, who'd been put through the damn wringer, and by a person he'd loved in some way or another…and who still found ways to keep his massive heart beating for that person. Enough that he suffered over the thought of Bryce living out the rest of his days alone, in the shadows.
"I guess I just wish there was a way I could still see him here and there. Let 'im know he isn't alone, you know? That in spite of everything, in spite of not being able to…" He shrugged, tears lining his eyes again but not falling as he looked off to the side. "…I dunno, get back to the friendship we had back then. In spite of things never being the same, I could at least let him know I get what he did. And it led me here so…in a lot of ways, I'm grateful. And I don't hate 'im."
Sarah swallowed the lump in her throat, taking him in, all of him, and then letting her eyes rest on his profile. "I love you, Chuck Bartowski."
He turned to look at her with his eyebrows raised, apparently not expecting her to say that. "I love you too, Sarah. So much."
She took a deep breath, squeezing his hand. "And we'll see him again. You'll get to have that beer with him. It'll all be cleared up someday and you'll get to have that beer out in the open. I believe that."
"Yeah. Me too. And until then, as long as he knows he isn't alone out there, that I, um…think about him, and wish him well. And…appreciate everything he's done since…he did that… In the meantime, I hope he knows all of that."
"I'm sure he knows," Sarah said, her heart full and hurting all at once. "Maybe we'll find a way to let him know. We can work on that. You created our code language. Maybe someday you can find some other way to reach out to him. Communicate every so often."
Chuck nodded again and they kept walking, hand in hand, their future before them, stretched out in front of them, a blank map, there for them to draw whatever they wanted on it. And in some ways, Sarah knew it was there, that it was blank, because Bryce Larkin had made sacrifices, for better or for worse, sacrifices that weren't perhaps his to make in some cases.
As she turned to press a kiss to Chuck's shoulder, rubbing his arm with the hand that wasn't threaded with his, Sarah caught movement out of the corner of her eye.
A guy in a hoodie and beanie pulled down low over his hair turned and walked away, reaching up to scratch at his chestnut colored beard, his steps hurried. She froze for a split second, and a strange peace settled over her.
Hadn't part of her felt the extra presence?
Smiling a little, she moved to her tiptoes and kissed Chuck's jaw.
"He knows," she said quietly, rubbing his arm again.
"You think so?"
Sarah nodded, glancing over her shoulder again. She didn't see anything. She smiled harder, turning to face forward as they kept walking.
"Yeah. I do."
THE END
A/N: Thank you for reading, folks. Really. I meant to post faster than this, but it's NaNoWriMo now and I've got a lot of things I'm trying to shove into one month.
Appreciate y'all. Leave a review please. I love 'em.
-SC