The staff lay haphazardly hidden under my bed. It was blocked from view by the edges of the blankets Gwen had replaced this morning. Still I found my eyes drawn towards it all through lunch. No one would find it. Still I was anxious. Gwen caught me looking past her as we shared a midday meal, far past midday. The last we'd likely have together before the siege.
"Is everything okay m'lady?" Gwen asked following my line of sight then looking back at me. She's concerned... I noted. There was no reason for her not to be.
"Just wondering if I'll be sleeping in that bed tonight." I figured something morbid was more than appropriate.
We did the same song and dance whenever there was an imminent threat. I voice my apprehension about the oncoming chaos, and she would comfort me. Or so I thought that was how it would go. This time however, she blushed and tried to hide a smile, her mind clearly filled with thoughts of something else entirely. She wiped her mouth with a napkin after finishing her water.
"I'm sure Merlin's wondering the same." I was clearly missing something.
Her smile was all too coy. It did not suit what I had said at all. How could Merlin be related to the thought of not returning to one's bed, either overworked helping the physician heal the masses or slain were I stood assisting Arthur in the fight. Even after being away for so long, Gwen could not have changed so much to wish for my death. Even with Merlin's utter betrayal, Gwen would never conspire with him for my demise. So why did she think this concerned him at all? had he told her something?
"I'm sorry to catch you unawares." she hastily added. "I've just noticed how you and Merlin sneak out together these past few days."
Oh... oh.. She couldn't... Certainly she didn't... She did. She had confused the acrimonious relationship between me and Merlin for the tender romantic affair between her and Arthur. No doubt envisioning our rendezvous as scandalous rather than treacherous. How far had her imagination taken her? Kissing? Groping? More...? I couldn't blame her. The Morgana she remembered was the Morgana helplessly in love with a servant, hiding her affections from all but her most trusted confident. All but Gwen. She remembers the Morgana who talked endlessly of his considerate nature, how he had brought her flowers, how she could never express any of those thoughts to him due to his status. Gods, I had even confessed how cute his clumsiness could be. I had said way too much, and for too long. It was only natural that she assume I would forego formality and sweep him away after experiencing the brutalities I had claimed to witness. But that was it... It was natural. Everything about being drawn to Merlin was natural. Everything about him pushing me away was natural. That is, the nature of magic. The nature of destiny. screw destiny.
"Gwen, you mustn't tell anyone." I abandoned the previous pretense of worry, sinking myself deep into this story. Unbeknownst to Gwen she had ignited something in me, given me a gift beyond all measure. A single idea on how to turn Morgause's downfall into more than just petty revenge. "Until Arthur takes the throne we have no chance."
Gwen nodded. Her face more solemn, more understanding, but the smile still played at the corners of her eyes, threatening to pool down to her lips as well.
"You should go to Arthur. You won't have much time before the battle. and after..." I trailed off, leaving the worst unsaid, ensuring it struck her heart.
She didn't protest and left, grabbing our plates to drop at the kitchens. As soon as she was gone I rushed to my desk and started scrawling down whatever came to mind. The original plan was to use the staff to claim the bodies of all those fallen in the siege, to direct them against Morgause. I was convicted in the notion that a powerful ally that was content in using me was just as dangerous as an enemy. I didn't have any other allies though, so until I could make some more I would be remiss to throw one away that was still useful. I started by writing down categories. Under "Foolishly loyal", I wrote Uther, Gwen, and Arthur. "Formed Alliances" held but two names Morgause and Cenred. Cenred wasn't even my ally, more like Morgause's play thing. When I got rid of her, if I didn't do so carefully, he would fall into the third category; "Bitter enemies." Merlin was the only name in there so far... It didn't feel accurate though. All the other names were written based on how they viewed me. Merlin may not fully see me that way yet. He may still be malleable.
I moved his name to "unsure."
Next I created a list of desires. Dominion over my own home, Camelot. That would mean the throne. Morgause and Uther dead. I would have to be patient for that. Merlin... My quill hovered over the parchment as I wondered what to write next. I was no longer sure what exactly I wanted to do to Merlin. Last year I was unwavering in my conviction that he killed the Morgana that cared about him, now nothing was certain. Could I forgive his sins in exchange for his alliance? Was there some sort of enchantment I could put him under to make his loyalty mine? I laughed at the thought. Even magic probably wouldn't be strong enough to shake his devotion to the blonde prince. in the end I didn't write anything next to his name. I wanted him. I wanted to do with him what I please. To figure out later what exactly that was. I wanted to own him.
Finally I started brainstorming how to get those things. The feather glided over parchment, and my hand dragged it back and forth between it's canvas and the ink as I painted a picture with words. Each detail of the plan was like a whole new color, highlighting and contrasting the finer details. When it was done I knew it wasn't perfect, but it was beautiful to me. It would be even more so when it played out in front of the entirety of the kingdom, when it came to life before my eyes.
I put down the quill, and threw the parchment into the lit fire, willing the outcome of it to manifest in time. Pleased with the smoldering page I turned to retrieve the staff and tucked it under my cloak. The only thing left to do was wait in the courtyard for Merlin. This time, he'll be following me cause I want him to.
AN: Bit of a late update. I slogged over the weekend and have been a bit apathetic towards life. Feeling better and super excited about the direction of this one! I will probably be writing the next 2 chapters tomorrow as I have the outlines for about 5 finished.
~myrien