Chapter 24: All the Way Down

"And in the morning when you're turning, I'll be out of reach

And in the darkness when you find this, I'll be out to sea."

Ren

Ren stared at the croissant sitting on an oval, white plate. Shouta had already eaten a sweet bread, a beignet he had called it, and still had a plain, untoasted baguette slice on his plate. He watched her, his face expressionless, a mug of coffee cupped in his hands. It was his third. She had not touched her tea or food.

"Eat, Ren." His voice was plain, his command not demanding or persuasive. Just his usual monotone. The bakery, L'atlier Tempo, was mostly empty since it was late morning. Ren, who normally could be quite talkative was hyper-aware of the silence around them, but she had no will to change it. Shouta placed the coffee on the table and leaned back in his chair. "Would you rather have the baguette?" Ren shook her head. She had been avoiding eye contact with Shouta since they had sat down. She picked up the cup of tea and tentatively sipped it. It was lukewarm. She put it down and let out a shallow sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?" The question made her eyes flit up to meet Shouta's. She shook her head.

"Hmm," he answered as he stared back at her. He brought his hand up to the back of his neck and continued looking at her, his brows now furrowed as if he was thinking about something. "Okay," he said under his breath, but it seemed to be more him talking to himself than directed at her. He got a small white paper sack from the counter and placed the uneaten breads inside. He then gently grabbed her hand and pulled her up from the table. "Shopping, then," he said.

The outdoor market wasn't too crowded. Shouta had a basket in hand and was starting to fill it with basic food items. Ren walked behind him, pulling the cardigan she wore tighter around her. Her chest felt hollow, the cold somehow making its way to her core despite the thick cardigan she wore. She stopped at a stall that was selling tea and tea accessories. She inhaled deeply, the scent would normally be pleasing, but it didn't stir her in the slightest. She stared at a rack of jars not really seeing them. Eventually, she felt a cold hand gingerly grasp her left hand and pull her along. Even through the gloves she wore, she could feel the frigidness of his bare palm and fingers. Her eyes now dropped to the ground as she walked next to Shouta, his hand beginning to warm in her own. She felt like a child, but even less. Like a baby or maybe even less than that. Like some single-celled organism that was just existing. Her head was empty, her senses closed off. Except for the cold. It somehow made its way deep inside her until she felt she had become one with it. Just the bleak cold and nothing else.

"Ren," he said, his voice less emotionless than usual. She felt as if she was being forced to look up now, had he called her name several times and she hadn't heard him? Her eyes looked at his face which appeared less pale in the late morning sunshine. His usually dark brown eyes shone like amber, the sun's rays illuminating them in warm tones. "Is there anything in particular you need?" he asked, his voice soft but laced with determination. He was asking her about the groceries but it was like he was really asking her about something else. Ren opened her mouth to speak but couldn't push out the words. Couldn't or wouldn't. She finally shook her head.

"Okay." Shouta's voice wasn't disappointed, disapproving, or frustrated with her. It was just his usual matter-of-factness. But there was a gentleness. It was more Dr. Jekyll than Mr. Hyde. He wasn't being aloof towards her or irritated by her present state. He was trying to be there for her, but not push. This meant a lot to her rationally. But right now it couldn't help her emotionally. She was shut off. From everything.

"I'm going to pay for these, do you want to come with me?" His gaze flitted around her face, trying to read her. She couldn't help to think it would be a fruitless effort for him. There was nothing there. But she was able to find her voice this time.

"No. I'll wait here, by the bench." She kept staring at his face. The stubble on his cheeks, jawline, and chin seemed more pronounced in the sunshine. She noticed fine lines around the outer edges of his eyes. Proof Shouta Aizawa did smile, he couldn't have wrinkles there if he didn't. Normally this thought would have made her laugh and she would have teased him about it. But things weren't normal.

"Okay." He stood there staring at her for several more seconds before he walked away. His eyes weren't searching her like they had previously. It was as if he was trying to make his mind up about something. Whatever it was, he made no mention of it before he turned away from her. She watched him disappear into the crowd.

Ren turned around and saw a couple of people standing near her, looking at her. An older man with brown shaggy hair and a thin, tanned face smiled at her. "I recognize you. You used to be a pro-hero?"

Ren stared at the man. Normally she wouldn't hesitate to smile and nod and introduce herself. Yes, I was Tortura, the Pain Hero, from Golden Time Agency. Selfies would be taken. Sometimes someone would thank her for her service, tears in their eyes. Ren would hug them, moved by their emotions. But thinking about the past, that part of her life that seemed like a lifetime ago, made the coldness she felt in her chest sting unbearably. Her heart was frozen; she could no longer feel anything now or even remember what happier times even felt like. She turned away from the man and his companion, desperate to escape. "Miss? Are you okay?"

Ren propelled herself forward, not really feeling her body anymore, her vision like she was seeing in a thick fog. She heard a busy street not far away and went towards the sounds of cars and buses driving, braking, exhausts humming, engines purring. It was a way out. She quickened her pace, she couldn't bear her present state any longer. An escape. An ending to all the unhappiness she had endured. The walkway near the street as she approached was crowded and she bumped into other pedestrians as she moved faster. She barely felt the jolt of her body knocking against others but she heard their retorts. "Watch it!" "Excuse you!" Their voices annoyed, but muffled and barely audible in her ears. As she reached the crosswalk with people gathered on the sidewalk to wait until the signs said it was safe to cross, she saw it then. A bus traveling quickly towards them in the lane closest to her. There was no hesitation, she pushed past a woman who gasped loudly in shock. "Wait, lady!" she heard a man's voice yell. Ren stood in the middle of the lane as the bus approached. She heard the screech of brakes being abruptly applied but she knew they wouldn't stop the bus in time. It was too heavy of a machine and now too close to her. Ren watched the metal behemoth barrel toward her and she knew no fear. Only the idea that soon she would feel relief. She would be released.

And then suddenly she felt a strange force wrench her away. She reached her hand out towards the bus as it continued on, but she was pulled away from its path, back upon the sidewalk. She felt the rush of air as it passed, her outstretched fingertips mere inches away from the rushing metal of the side of the bus. Ren felt a strange tightness around her chest like a straight jacket. She looked down and saw the familiar grey length of narrow cloth wound several times around her chest and upper left arm. She felt his body now pressed against her shoulder and arm and knew it was him before she met his eyes. As she looked up into his face what she saw finally stirred her frozen heart. His eyes were bewildered, his brow arched in surprise, his mouth agape in shock. The sun was shining on Shouta's face like before, but now the feathered, fine wrinkles around his eyes were deep wrinkles of worry and pain. All the pain I would have caused. The thought jolted through Ren and finally made her feel something. The pain she would have caused the bus driver, he would have thought her death was his fault even though it was her own actions that would have caused it. The pain of the many innocent bystanders at the traumatic event they would have seen unfolding in front of them. The pain of her students, her friends, Toshinori, her parents upon the news of her death. And Shouta.

"I'm sorry…" Ren whispered, her voice wavering as she began to weep. She felt Shouta place an arm around her and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. She felt the cloths loosen around her, Shouta's arm holding her ever closer against him. She heard an exchange between Shouta and the bus driver she presumed. Everyone on the bus was fine it seemed from the sudden braking. The bus driver asked about Ren and Shouta replied he would take care of her. He began to lead her away from the murmuring of voices around them, both of them walking down the sidewalk. After a few steps, he lifted her into his arms, and she held him tight. The noises of the busy city began to die away; they were in an empty alley.

"We're a few blocks from my place, just a bit further." Shouta's voice was steady and reassuring.

All Ren could manage was a whispered, "Okay."

The next several minutes were a blur. Even though Ren's eyes were opened, she kept her face pressed against Shouta's collarbone. She heard the ding of an elevator. They were inside. Then realization struck her. She lurched her face away from Shouta and looked into his face. Beads of sweat were at his temples and his eyes were bloodshot, the irises a vibrant red, his face in a slight grimace. "This whole time. You couldn't have had Erasure activated this whole time… I'm sorry… I …" She had hurt him with her quirk. Was that all she was capable of now? Hurting those around her?

"I had to blink a couple of times. It was fine." His eyes searched her face.

"Put me down, please, I can walk." Shouta lowered his arm and her feet hit the floor. He wrapped an arm around the back of her shoulders as the elevator doors opened. Her legs felt shaky and she was now glad he was still supporting her. They walked down the hall to Shouta's apartment. He walked Ren to his sofa and she sat down feeling completely exhausted in every way imaginable. She watched him walk over to the patio door, pull out a key from his utility belt, and lock the patio door. He then walked into the kitchen and retrieved a glass from the cupboard.

"Locking me in? Am I a prisoner?" She was trying to joke but the words came out harsh.

"No. We're on the thirty-third floor, Ren. It seems like the rational choice to have the outer windows and patio door locked from the inside considering the events of today." His voice was even and factual. There was no sarcasm or malice. He filled the glass with water from the sink and sat next to Ren, handing her the glass. She took it and took a few shallow sips. "The front door is always open to you Ren. You can leave whenever you want. But I don't think you should right now."

"What should I do?" Ren stared at the glass in her hands. She felt completely lost.

"You need help, but I think this is outside my wheelhouse. Would you…." Shouta moved in front of her to where he was kneeling on the floor looking up into her face. He stared at her and strangely she couldn't take her eyes off his. His expression was worried, similar to the expression he had when he rescued her from the bus earlier but not as intense. He didn't look like himself, it was like he was wearing a mask. "Would you talk to someone? I know a person who can help if you're willing." She could not deny this Shouta kneeling in front of her. She had thought of his face as a mask but now realized it was the opposite. This was the real Shouta underneath, mask off, his vulnerabilities exposed. She felt a pang of guilt. She hoped one day again to see this vulnerable side of him, but not like this.

"Okay," she stated simply.

For the next hour Ren curled up on the couch with a blanket and she napped lightly. She would awaken every now and then to Shouta's voice on the phone. She was too tired to listen to the conversations; there had been a few. Shouta had awakened her again this time with a gently placed hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes, still feeling so drained and tired.

"Ren. There's someone here to talk to you." Ren couldn't help the embarrassed flush that spread on her face. She thought it would be the next day at the earliest or the following week most likely. She looked past Shouta and saw a middle-aged woman with straight, salt-and-pepper hair in a sharp bob. Her face was lightly wrinkled and she smiled warmly at Ren. She immediately recognized Dr. Sasaki, the head counselor, from UA.

/

Kumiko "Halcyon" Sasaki, MD.

12 years ago

"Where is he?" Kumiko asked the triage nurse quietly. The nurse was bandaging an injured citizen.

"Oh, the young hero?" she asked. Kumiko nodded. "He's in an office against the back wall, to the left." Kumiko nodded again and headed further inside the building. Emergency services had turned the office building into a makeshift emergency room after all villains were taken into custody and the area where the attack had occurred was deemed safe. As she approached the back wall, she saw him through the open blinds of the private office. He sat on top of a desk with a heavy sheet pulled over it. Makeshift hospital bed.

His dark eyes were wide and bewildered. He was abnormally pale, his black hair a tangled mess with debris peppering the medium-length strands. He was wearing a hospital gown, his exposed arms and face were scratched and bruised. He had a large bandage on his forehead, and a few dots of blood seeped through the center of the heavy gauze. He stared into a space in front of him in a daze, not focusing on anything.

"Aizawa," Kumiko said as she stood in the doorway.

His wild eyes found hers and his whole countenance didn't change. He was still in shock. "Dr. Sasaki… what are you doing here?" He swallowed and then licked his lips. He seemed dehydrated. There was a cup of water next to him on the desk. It was full.

"I came to check on you. I heard about what happened." Kumiko decided to tread very carefully. Shouta Aizawa had always been aloof, sullen, hard to read, and even harder to engage during the hero course's mandatory student assessments she had to conduct quarterly. Kumiko was the Head Counselor for UA who oversaw the mental health needs of all six hero classes. Now in this vulnerable state, she didn't want Aizawa to clamp up and disengage. He had been through a very traumatic experience, and she wanted to help him through it the best she could. If he shut himself off, which she worried he would, he would have a hard time dealing with what he had just experienced. The long-term effects could end up affecting his hero career and the rest of his life.

"You know about the villain attack?" He was still focused on her, but his lower lip trembled slightly.

"Yes. I heard about how you fought against a villain with a powerful absorption quirk. Authorities told me you figured out how his meta ability worked and were able to down him by yourself. You were so bright to work that out on your own. You were very brave and did brilliantly." He nodded at her absentmindedly like a reflex. His face then winced into a grimace.

"I lost… my teammate…." His breathing increased, and his chest began to heave.

"Yes, I heard about Obor-"

"He was still alive!" Aizawa interrupted loudly, his voice shaking. "He was trapped… under the debris….while I was fighting…" His bloodshot eyes became even wider and large tears immediately began to stream down his face.

Kumiko had a lot of experience helping heroes through the death of their teammates unfortunately so she took a deep breath and got to work. Her goal now was to comfort Aizawa as much as possible but she couldn't sugarcoat anything about what happened. Aizawa had to know the truth and the sooner the better. It was a balancing act. "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. There was nothing that could have been done to save him. Eyewitnesses said it was a sudden and unfortunate accident that couldn't have been prevented. It-"

"You don't understand…" His voice cracked and wavered as he stood up, his fists balled at his sides. "I heard him…. I heard him while I was fighting the villain!" His voice shot up into an exasperated crescendo, its usual mild tenor high-pitched and filled with emotion. Kumiko tried to understand what he meant. She had been debriefed when she arrived at the incident site. An agent had told her about Oboro Shirakumo since he was a hero course student at UA. Due to the nature of his head injury and the bleeding pattern they had surmised he was killed instantly when the building collapsed on him.

"What did he say, Aizawa?" Kumiko didn't understand exactly what Aizawa meant. Hearing Shirakumo after the building collapse was an impossibility, but Aizawa was so fervent in his explanation.

The young man let out a large, painful-sounding sigh and sat back on the desk. He wiped the freshly sprung tears from his face with his arm, leaving his cheeks smudged with dirt and grime. He looked back at Kumiko, his eyes still wide and his bottom lip trembling. "He was encouraging me…. Oboro always did that…. His speaker… I know he was under the rubble but he had these speakers he'd use to communicate with teammates since his quirk could have him traveling quickly away to tend to things on a mission. But his voice after the collapse…. I heard it through his speaker. He was… " Aizawa had sped through the words quickly, almost as if he was in a manic state. Now that he had paused he looked away from Kumiko, his speaking cadence slowing as he continued. He stared at the ground, not focusing on anything. "He was telling me I could do it. I could beat the villain. He made me feel like I could do anything. That I was actually amazing. That I was worth something. That I was something special."

Kumiko wanted him to continue to speak about his friend and about what happened. This was important, it would help him heal in the long run although no doubt it was overwhelmingly painful. Aizawa's head was still lowered, he was still locked into an unfocused gaze. A minute passed, neither of them moving or speaking. She didn't want to break his momentum of sharing but she also didn't want to lose him in this engaging state either.

"What else, Aizawa? What else did Oboro say?"

His face, bewildered and in pain, suddenly changed as he looked back at Kumiko. The end of his mouth twisted up and his eyes narrowed. It was like a switch had been flipped and he was someone else completely different. His lower lip no longer trembled and his tears had stopped. "You're going to use your quirk on me…. Aren't you? To calm me down. It would make sense."

Kumiko sighed. She lost him. The wall was back in place. "I only ever use my quirk in life and death situations now that I am no longer a Pro-hero." Kumiko had been known as Halcyon, the Calming Hero. When she activated her quirk, the words she spoke would calm those who heard it. She could bring a rampaging, irate villain to a state of peace and calmness in a matter of seconds. It was usually enough to distract them until their logic took over and could figure out why their emotions had changed. Some were able to break through it and continue on with their destructive thoughts and actions but others would be kept under her spell of calm until she quit speaking to them. It was also very useful in hostage situations and suicide attempts. But as a counselor at UA, she never needed to use her quirk. A life-and-death situation at school was very unlikely. Her quirk took away others' free will so could only be used if someone was breaking the law or harming others. And she would not use it anyhow, even if it was allowed. It robbed people of their free will. And numbed them to their true emotions, so in many ways, it could be very harmful. She had been a popular Pro-Hero so of course, Aizawa would know her past and what her quirk was capable of. It would seem he has calmed down on his own anyhow, Kumiko thought to herself. She watched Aizawa intently. His breathing had slowed. He still looked pale, and there was pain still peaking through around his eyes and his brow, but he had gotten his emotions under control.

"What did you hear Oboro say?" she repeated, slow and calm. Maybe she could keep him engaged in the moment but she doubted it.

"It doesn't matter." His voice had returned to its usual monotone cadence. Flat and devoid of emotion. "My mind, it must have been playing tricks on me. Giving me the confidence to do what needed to be done." He looked at her, his whole countenance one of calm. Control.

"Why would your mind use Oboro to do that?" Kumiko asked.

"Because that's what he did when he was alive. Inspired people to be the best version of themselves. Make them feel like they could do anything." Kimiko noticed he was using the broad term "we." The wall was officially all the way back up and would not be breached. Shirakumo was a well-known cheerleader of sorts to everyone but he was someone special to Aizawa.

The rest of the conversation was just Aizawa giving cold, hard facts. Yes, he knew he had gone through something traumatic. Yes, if he had any other issues he would contact her. Yes, logically he knew therapy would help him get through it and if he thought he needed it, he would let her know. But Kimiko knew she wouldn't see him until the end-of-year mandatory assessment. She had learned enough about Shouta Aizawa in the last 18 months to have him mostly figured out.

As their conversation came to a close, a nurse came in to take Aizawa's vitals one last time before releasing him. The nurse told him where the nearest restroom was so he could change back into his hero costume. As Kumiko left the room she turned to him one last time. "My door is always open Aizawa. If you ever need to talk."

He looked at her, his face tired and strangely looking much older than his sixteen years. "I won't, Dr. Sasaki." She nodded sadly at him and left.

Present Day

It was a few minutes after noon and Kumiko was sitting in the teacher's lounge eating her lunch and grading papers. She had been teaching an Intro to Psych class as an elective to 3rd years and she immensely enjoyed teaching and hoped she could add a second class, but she was too busy with being Head Counselor at UA to make it work. She heard him before he entered the lounge, his side of the conversation was so loud.

"It's because I'm a hero course teacher," King Vlad said as he came through the doorway. "I'm always asked to cover other teachers' classes because I have more flexibility so I know it makes sense, but math of all things? The kids would be better off if I just didn't show up!" He laughed as he sat across the table from Kumiko.

"Well, it's not like Aizawa to just call in so last minute to get his classes covered. He asked me if I could cover for him today early this morning, and then he called me 30 minutes ago and asked if I could cover tomorrow as well. Oh, Hi there Doctor." Thirteen, donning their thick hero costume sat next to Vlad holding a wrapped bento box. "Is it okay if we sit here and have lunch? I don't want to impose."

Kumiko smiled at them. "Of course, no imposition at all! I'm just finishing up grading some quizzes."

"If you're subbing, too, Vlad…. I wonder if there is some kind of bug going around?" Thirteen asked.

"Maybe. I'm subbing for Kimura and I know she has been working on that quirk study with Eraser. Makes sense they'd both be sick if both of them are going to be out this week. Glad we just have tomorrow before the holiday weekend." King Vlad had a large plastic container he opened and then began emptying it, copious amounts of food taking up his side of the table.

Present Mic, who was typing away at a computer a few feet away started to chuckle. "Sick. Riiiight," he said under his breath. King Vlad and Thirteen glanced over at him but didn't reply, and Mic didn't offer up anything else as he continued working on the desktop. Thirteen continued. "Well, if you need any help with the lesson plan, I can help out. Math was always one of my strongest subjects."

"Thanks, but I don't really have the time, got to finish up some assessments before tomorrow evening." King Vlad started in on the feast he had laid out around him.

Suddenly Kumiko's phone began to ring and she promptly retrieved it from her workbag. The last name she expected to see flashing on the front display. Shouta Aizawa. He had never called her before by phone. If he had students that he felt needed to meet with her, he'd usually stop by her office and talk in person.

"Excuse me," she said with a smile as she went into one of the private cubicles in the teacher's lounge. The other two teachers nodded at her.

"Aizawa," she said as she answered the phone, closing the door to the cubicle behind her for privacy.

"Dr. Sasaki. Do you have a few minutes to talk?" the familiar monotone sounded on the other end.

"Of course. I'm alone so please proceed." Kumiko couldn't help her heart from racing. She knew from the conversation she had just heard he was not at the school and it had been a rather emergent reason why he was absent.

"A faculty member needs your help. Could you possibly make a house call sometime today?" His voice was still steady, free of worry, but Kumiko couldn't help to feel some dread in the request. She would cancel the appointments she had after lunch. If Aizawa reached out to her, it had to be very important.

"Tell me the address. I'll be there shortly."

/

Ren Kimura looked pale and haggard and stared at Kumiko with eyes that were empty and lost. She sat on Aizawa's couch, curled up and drowsy from napping.

"I'm going to step out while you both chat. I need to pick up a few things. How long do you think you'll be Doctor?"

"An hour, if that sounds okay to you Mrs. Kimura?" Kimura quietly nodded her head.

Aizawa kneeled in front of Kimura, looking up into her face, and placed a hand on her knee. This action immediately provided Kumiko with a lot of information she did not expect. She looked away, feeling slightly surprised and uncomfortable but couldn't help but hear Aizawa's low, even voice. "I'll be back in an hour, I won't leave you alone, okay? Dr. Sasaki will stay until I get back. Is that okay Ren?" There was something reassuring and gentle in the monotone cadence of Aizawa's voice. This was a side of him she had never seen but suspected because of how he cared for his students.

"Yes," Kimura replied in a whisper.

Thirty seconds later Kumiko sat next to Kimura and she made small talk with her to get her in a more relaxed state. Before Aizawa had gotten off the phone with her he had told Kumiko about what Kimura had done in the market and the catalyst for why she had made the attempt on her own life. After asking about her students and making a couple of jokes at Aizawa's expense that Kimura seemed to enjoy, smiling in response, Kumiko would now ask the hard question.

"Tell me about what happened in the market today." Kimura's eyes went wide and then her eyes began to brim with tears. It would be a tough time for her, but this was a good start. Expression of emotion meant she could feel and they would put words to these feelings and make them valid. There was hope for her because she wasn't hiding things behind a wall. She also wasn't an empty husk, that was always a much scarier prospect to work with. Kumiko could help her learn to cope, with the hope she could heal. It would be tough work, but it was a very real possibility.

An hour later, after a game plan was implemented and she saw some hope in Kimura's hazel eyes, the apartment door opened and Aizawa entered the apartment. He appeared to be holding several bags of groceries along with a cat carrier that was mewing quite loudly.

"Mr. Socks!" Kimura said as she rose from the couch and retrieved the carrier.

"He wasn't very cooperative going in. I had mercy and didn't make the trip here via binding cloths. He would have never forgiven me for that. But I do think the people on the bus were glad to see us get off after a very noisy ride.

"Thank you," Kimura whispered as she pulled the cat out of the carrier and held it against her; It quieted immediately.

Aizawa placed the bags on the kitchen counter and turned to Kumiko. "Doctor. Can I walk you to the elevator?"

/

Kumiko couldn't discuss things with Aizawa about Kimura due to patient confidentiality but was hoping Kimura would let him know what the plan was for her care. They seemed much more than two work colleagues so she felt Kimura's prognosis was good with Aizawa being in the picture. They walked to the elevator in silence until Kumiko told Aizawa what had been on her mind earlier.

"When you called me earlier and I saw your name on my phone, I thought, 'finally he is going to get the help he needs after all these years.'" She looked at Aizawa's dark, deep-set eyes that rarely revealed anything. Or at least not to her since that meeting in the office cubicle 12 years previous. And she really doubted he had revealed much to anyone else in that time span.

He tilted his head to the side and the corner of his mouth twitched and then he smirked a bit. "I'm a lost cause, Doctor."