My Family
By Astro Purple
AstroPurpl@aol.com
PG
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond. Rating upped because of Ben's POV.
Author's Note: This is Brin's POV. It's after Manticore caught her, but I'm trying to make it so that this is the real Brin on the inside fighting for control of herself.
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.
* * *
I didn't remember. I didn't really remember how I came to be back in here. How I ended up returning to Manticore. What had happened? How had it happened? I would rather KILL myself than return here! After all I have sacrificed. After all my brothers and sisters sacrificed. Or at least, that's what I use to believe. before I remembered.
Before I ended up back here. Back behind a stone and iron fence. Back behind a stone wall looking out on a free world. A world that I was a part of, before I became weak.
I use to be strong. I wanted to prove myself to Zack that if anything happens to him, I could take over. I could be CO. But I know now, I can't. I broke. With my sister holding me, telling me everything would be alright, I broke.
"I don't want to die. Please . . . don't let me die."
I'm not strong. I never was. It was all a figment of my imagination. Like what I am now. This conscience buried deep in what use to be my mind. I am here, and yet, I'm not. I see and hear and feel everything that is going on. I know all that happens out there, in the real world, where my brothers and sisters are. But I can do nothing to help them, to warn them, to save them. My mind no longer exists. I think, but do not act.
THEY do the acting. The doctors and scientists at Manticore. They tell me who to listen to, who to obey. And I follow their orders. More specifically, I follow HER orders. The woman who is going to kill my family. And there is nothing I can do.
* * *
In Christianity, the Devil is always portrayed as this deformed, red, fiery Nomalie who live sin this placed called Hell, a place deep in the Earth. And he scatters his seed of dissent and evil through his various minions. Lesser Nomalies who do his bidding, corrupting people and creating havoc in the world, while remaining unseen.
Renfro. She's one of his minions. Maybe she's even the Devil herself. After all, who says the Devil is a man?
Each time her face appears before my eyes, I want to leap at her. I want to leap on her, shoving her body into the ground. I want to watch horror in her eyes as I ground her bones into a fine powder that can be sowed into the land and put towards some good. I want to rip out her tongue, so that she can no longer speak, and give the order of death. I want to gouge out her eyes, so that the last thing she sees is an X5, especially one that she trusts to do her bidding, one that she considers her own. I want her to know the taste of fear, the taste of helplessness, and the taste of repressed emotions. All of which I go through on a day by day basis. I want her to know of the vicious killing machine that she has shaped through her actions.
Is that too much to ask?
Where Lydecker can be considered my father, Renfro can be called my mother. That is what makes me different from my brothers and sisters. Lydecker was the bad parent, he wanted us to go back to that place of fear. That place he called home. And my new mother, she is evil. She not only wants me to fear, she wants me to be evil, like she, herself is. She wants me to help her hunt down my brothers and sisters, and return them to the family. At least Lydecker left me alone, he didn't force me to go after the rest of my family.
That is why I need to die. I contain the evil seed of my mother. Something that none of my brothers and sisters have, because they have never met mother.
* * *
As I reside in this dark place, all alone, I cannot help but think about what happens outside. I remember the look on his face that last time. Is Zack still terribly disappointed in me? I heard that he was captured, to save Max. But then he escaped, and called for Max's help. Zack. calling for help? Maybe he's changed. I hope he's changed. Because then that would mean he's forgiven me. Or is ready to forgive me. I just want. I just want him to take me back, to accept me as a sister again. That's all that matters, is for him to want me back in the family. Because if Zack accepts me, everyone else will. That's just how it works. Zack is the oldest, he's always taken care of us, and we all look up to him. He's the wisest, so he takes care of us, keeps us safe, and for that, we listen to him.
And Max. Maxie. I know it hurt her greatly to let me go. To convince Zack to let me go. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have said no, could have chosen death over coming back here and causing everyone pain. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry about me, that I'm not afraid to die. But I was. And I'm sorry I put my sister in such a horrible position.
For everyone else, do they even know that I'm back at Manticore? Did Zack tell them all that their little sister broke? I want him to, I hope he did. And yet I don't want him to. I don't want them looking at me with hatred. Looking at me and wishing I had been destroyed. That way, they could remember their little sister with good memories. But I want Zack to tell them. I want him to warn them that I'm now Manticore's puppet. That way they know not to look at me with love when I show up at their doorsteps. That way they know to run, or stand their ground and fight me. A part of me wants them to run, and a part of me wants them to be the soldier they are. I want them to run, because I don't want to hurt them. But I want them to stay, and fight me. Because they're stronger than me, they're all stronger than me. I know that now, they're all stronger than me, in that they want to live. They don't want to go back. So I wish, they will stand up to me, and perhaps kill me. To set me free. Truly free. More free than anyone alive could be. And yet, I'm scared.
* * *
I'm afraid now. Renfro put me in charge of an X7 squad. I can't control them. They mind totally and utterly belongs to Manticore. When. and I mean when, I take them out, what am I suppose to do if they find and catch one of my family members? I can't even stop myself from doing anything I'm going to regret. At least my brothers and sisters are fellow X5s, and therefore harder for me to catch. But these kids, I couldn't hide from them in training. How are my brothers and sisters going to hide? I don't want to be around when I end up catching one of them. What will I see when I look into their eyes? I'm so scared. I don't want to see their hatred. I don't want to see their fear. I don't want to see anything.
But I can't forget. I've been sent out on five missions already, five missions to catch one of my brothers or one of my sisters. Thankfully I failed all but one. Thankfully someone warned them before my arrival. Except for twice. I caught her. I caught Syl. But she was saved. Krit was there, and he saved her. So I'm happy, I'm happy inside. But I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the look of betrayal in their eyes, in Syl's eyes when she realized who her captor was.
And then, I caught Tinga. I trapped Tinga by using her son. Can you believe it, Tinga has a son. I have a nephew. But did they care? Did the thing in charge of me care? No. And so I caught Tinga. I brought Tinga to Renfro. And now Tinga's dead. It's all my fault. I want to forget what I have done. But I can't forget. Because it would be a crime to forget, to forget what I did. The torture. I hurt her. I hurt my sister. No punishment anyone can give me is enough. So I remember, I replay it all in my head every night when I'm alone. I'm hoping this thing in control of me remembers also. I hope it suffers even a fraction of what I suffer.
Did I mention I was afraid? A lot of things have happened. I know something big is going to happen. All the transgenics are restless, because we feel something in the air. I heard Lydecker disappeared. Maybe that's a good thing. It has to be a good thing. And somehow, I know he will be connected with whatever is going to happen here, at Manticore. And I pray that day comes soon. Before I'm sent out into the world again. Before I actually succeed at what I'm sent out to do.
* * *
Today is the day. We have been attacked. Renfro sent me out with a security team to catch Max and Zack. We saw them in the genetics lab. They are going to blow it up. I hope they succeed. I hope I'm too slow, and I'm not able to stop them. I hope they blow up this entire place, and I hope we, the transgenics who are under Renfro's control, go up with it.
* * *
I've done it. I've succeeded in keeping myself from beating Maxie. My body was slow, I hope I was the cause of that. I wasn't as fast as Maxie, and she beat me. She's cuffed me to one of the cells. And I know I'm going to die. Finally.
I know my body's staring at her with hatred. I know my body wants to break these cuffs, and jump at Maxie and tear her apart. But my body isn't going to get that pleasure.
She's looking at me sadly. And I know what she's remembering. Her last words to me, while I was still Brin. I'm so far buried in this mind that I know I'll never emerge. I want to tell Maxie, that it's better if I die. That I'm not afraid this time. She needs to go, and finish what was started. Destroy everything of Manticore's. So that it cannot be started once again. I'm trying to communicate to her. Tell her to stop feeling sorry for me, but to go and finish her mission.
She finally leaves, after saying she's sorry. I hope she gets away. Because I know that Renfro has just released the X7's. An X5 is no match for an X7. I can hear the bombs ticking. It'll be soon before they blow. No more than 20 seconds. And no one is close enough or fast enough to get there and deactivate them before they go off.
I wish I can talk to Max one last time. Talk to her as Brin. Not as this empty shell that I am. I want to tell her thank you, and that I love her. Because she loves me, and through her I know no one has forgotten about me. That no one hates me. I'm glad I did what I did. And that is let her beat me. I've fought myself for so long and hard, and for so long it seemed like I was losing. That Manticore was beginning to over power me. Stop me from thinking period. Keep me from having a conscience, from having second thoughts. Even if I couldn't do anything to stop my body. I didn't want to become a machine, and it looked as if I was going to. But these last two minutes, I had some control. I wish. I had longer to slowly work off the control they had. So that I could return to my family. But I don't have that time. My time is finally up, and I am not afraid.
* * *
"Brin, you're going to be all right. And someday, no matter what happens, I'm going to come for you. That's a promise." --- Max, "Cold Comfort"
By Astro Purple
AstroPurpl@aol.com
PG
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond. Rating upped because of Ben's POV.
Author's Note: This is Brin's POV. It's after Manticore caught her, but I'm trying to make it so that this is the real Brin on the inside fighting for control of herself.
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.
* * *
I didn't remember. I didn't really remember how I came to be back in here. How I ended up returning to Manticore. What had happened? How had it happened? I would rather KILL myself than return here! After all I have sacrificed. After all my brothers and sisters sacrificed. Or at least, that's what I use to believe. before I remembered.
Before I ended up back here. Back behind a stone and iron fence. Back behind a stone wall looking out on a free world. A world that I was a part of, before I became weak.
I use to be strong. I wanted to prove myself to Zack that if anything happens to him, I could take over. I could be CO. But I know now, I can't. I broke. With my sister holding me, telling me everything would be alright, I broke.
"I don't want to die. Please . . . don't let me die."
I'm not strong. I never was. It was all a figment of my imagination. Like what I am now. This conscience buried deep in what use to be my mind. I am here, and yet, I'm not. I see and hear and feel everything that is going on. I know all that happens out there, in the real world, where my brothers and sisters are. But I can do nothing to help them, to warn them, to save them. My mind no longer exists. I think, but do not act.
THEY do the acting. The doctors and scientists at Manticore. They tell me who to listen to, who to obey. And I follow their orders. More specifically, I follow HER orders. The woman who is going to kill my family. And there is nothing I can do.
* * *
In Christianity, the Devil is always portrayed as this deformed, red, fiery Nomalie who live sin this placed called Hell, a place deep in the Earth. And he scatters his seed of dissent and evil through his various minions. Lesser Nomalies who do his bidding, corrupting people and creating havoc in the world, while remaining unseen.
Renfro. She's one of his minions. Maybe she's even the Devil herself. After all, who says the Devil is a man?
Each time her face appears before my eyes, I want to leap at her. I want to leap on her, shoving her body into the ground. I want to watch horror in her eyes as I ground her bones into a fine powder that can be sowed into the land and put towards some good. I want to rip out her tongue, so that she can no longer speak, and give the order of death. I want to gouge out her eyes, so that the last thing she sees is an X5, especially one that she trusts to do her bidding, one that she considers her own. I want her to know the taste of fear, the taste of helplessness, and the taste of repressed emotions. All of which I go through on a day by day basis. I want her to know of the vicious killing machine that she has shaped through her actions.
Is that too much to ask?
Where Lydecker can be considered my father, Renfro can be called my mother. That is what makes me different from my brothers and sisters. Lydecker was the bad parent, he wanted us to go back to that place of fear. That place he called home. And my new mother, she is evil. She not only wants me to fear, she wants me to be evil, like she, herself is. She wants me to help her hunt down my brothers and sisters, and return them to the family. At least Lydecker left me alone, he didn't force me to go after the rest of my family.
That is why I need to die. I contain the evil seed of my mother. Something that none of my brothers and sisters have, because they have never met mother.
* * *
As I reside in this dark place, all alone, I cannot help but think about what happens outside. I remember the look on his face that last time. Is Zack still terribly disappointed in me? I heard that he was captured, to save Max. But then he escaped, and called for Max's help. Zack. calling for help? Maybe he's changed. I hope he's changed. Because then that would mean he's forgiven me. Or is ready to forgive me. I just want. I just want him to take me back, to accept me as a sister again. That's all that matters, is for him to want me back in the family. Because if Zack accepts me, everyone else will. That's just how it works. Zack is the oldest, he's always taken care of us, and we all look up to him. He's the wisest, so he takes care of us, keeps us safe, and for that, we listen to him.
And Max. Maxie. I know it hurt her greatly to let me go. To convince Zack to let me go. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have said no, could have chosen death over coming back here and causing everyone pain. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry about me, that I'm not afraid to die. But I was. And I'm sorry I put my sister in such a horrible position.
For everyone else, do they even know that I'm back at Manticore? Did Zack tell them all that their little sister broke? I want him to, I hope he did. And yet I don't want him to. I don't want them looking at me with hatred. Looking at me and wishing I had been destroyed. That way, they could remember their little sister with good memories. But I want Zack to tell them. I want him to warn them that I'm now Manticore's puppet. That way they know not to look at me with love when I show up at their doorsteps. That way they know to run, or stand their ground and fight me. A part of me wants them to run, and a part of me wants them to be the soldier they are. I want them to run, because I don't want to hurt them. But I want them to stay, and fight me. Because they're stronger than me, they're all stronger than me. I know that now, they're all stronger than me, in that they want to live. They don't want to go back. So I wish, they will stand up to me, and perhaps kill me. To set me free. Truly free. More free than anyone alive could be. And yet, I'm scared.
* * *
I'm afraid now. Renfro put me in charge of an X7 squad. I can't control them. They mind totally and utterly belongs to Manticore. When. and I mean when, I take them out, what am I suppose to do if they find and catch one of my family members? I can't even stop myself from doing anything I'm going to regret. At least my brothers and sisters are fellow X5s, and therefore harder for me to catch. But these kids, I couldn't hide from them in training. How are my brothers and sisters going to hide? I don't want to be around when I end up catching one of them. What will I see when I look into their eyes? I'm so scared. I don't want to see their hatred. I don't want to see their fear. I don't want to see anything.
But I can't forget. I've been sent out on five missions already, five missions to catch one of my brothers or one of my sisters. Thankfully I failed all but one. Thankfully someone warned them before my arrival. Except for twice. I caught her. I caught Syl. But she was saved. Krit was there, and he saved her. So I'm happy, I'm happy inside. But I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the look of betrayal in their eyes, in Syl's eyes when she realized who her captor was.
And then, I caught Tinga. I trapped Tinga by using her son. Can you believe it, Tinga has a son. I have a nephew. But did they care? Did the thing in charge of me care? No. And so I caught Tinga. I brought Tinga to Renfro. And now Tinga's dead. It's all my fault. I want to forget what I have done. But I can't forget. Because it would be a crime to forget, to forget what I did. The torture. I hurt her. I hurt my sister. No punishment anyone can give me is enough. So I remember, I replay it all in my head every night when I'm alone. I'm hoping this thing in control of me remembers also. I hope it suffers even a fraction of what I suffer.
Did I mention I was afraid? A lot of things have happened. I know something big is going to happen. All the transgenics are restless, because we feel something in the air. I heard Lydecker disappeared. Maybe that's a good thing. It has to be a good thing. And somehow, I know he will be connected with whatever is going to happen here, at Manticore. And I pray that day comes soon. Before I'm sent out into the world again. Before I actually succeed at what I'm sent out to do.
* * *
Today is the day. We have been attacked. Renfro sent me out with a security team to catch Max and Zack. We saw them in the genetics lab. They are going to blow it up. I hope they succeed. I hope I'm too slow, and I'm not able to stop them. I hope they blow up this entire place, and I hope we, the transgenics who are under Renfro's control, go up with it.
* * *
I've done it. I've succeeded in keeping myself from beating Maxie. My body was slow, I hope I was the cause of that. I wasn't as fast as Maxie, and she beat me. She's cuffed me to one of the cells. And I know I'm going to die. Finally.
I know my body's staring at her with hatred. I know my body wants to break these cuffs, and jump at Maxie and tear her apart. But my body isn't going to get that pleasure.
She's looking at me sadly. And I know what she's remembering. Her last words to me, while I was still Brin. I'm so far buried in this mind that I know I'll never emerge. I want to tell Maxie, that it's better if I die. That I'm not afraid this time. She needs to go, and finish what was started. Destroy everything of Manticore's. So that it cannot be started once again. I'm trying to communicate to her. Tell her to stop feeling sorry for me, but to go and finish her mission.
She finally leaves, after saying she's sorry. I hope she gets away. Because I know that Renfro has just released the X7's. An X5 is no match for an X7. I can hear the bombs ticking. It'll be soon before they blow. No more than 20 seconds. And no one is close enough or fast enough to get there and deactivate them before they go off.
I wish I can talk to Max one last time. Talk to her as Brin. Not as this empty shell that I am. I want to tell her thank you, and that I love her. Because she loves me, and through her I know no one has forgotten about me. That no one hates me. I'm glad I did what I did. And that is let her beat me. I've fought myself for so long and hard, and for so long it seemed like I was losing. That Manticore was beginning to over power me. Stop me from thinking period. Keep me from having a conscience, from having second thoughts. Even if I couldn't do anything to stop my body. I didn't want to become a machine, and it looked as if I was going to. But these last two minutes, I had some control. I wish. I had longer to slowly work off the control they had. So that I could return to my family. But I don't have that time. My time is finally up, and I am not afraid.
* * *
"Brin, you're going to be all right. And someday, no matter what happens, I'm going to come for you. That's a promise." --- Max, "Cold Comfort"