ACT 2 SCENE 1
PUCK: Yo, dawg! Whatup?
FAIRY: Er. . . Okay. I'm fine, yo. How 'bout you?
PUCK: Not much. Whatcha been up to lately?
FAIRY: [gets mystical voice] Been wandering throughout the bushes
Briers, Park, pale-
PUCK: [interrupting] Don't you mean 'pail'?
FAIRY: No. Shut up and listen. [resumes mystical voice]
Through fire and flood
I wander everywhere.
Swifter than the moon's sphere
And I serve the fairy queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green
Farewell, thou lob of spirits, I'll be gone
Our queen and all our elves come here anon.
PUCK: Wait-wait-wait a minute. [mystical voice]
The King doth keep his revels here tonight,
Take heed the queen come not within his sight. [Drops mystical voice]
Because they're having an absolutely dreadful fight over some silly little boy that Titania has that Oberon wants and It gets QUITE irritating to here him yammer on and on about how stupid Titania is been and how he deserves the child as his "henchman" and I'm like-
FAIRY: [interrupting] Say, aren't you that crazy little sprite named Robin Goodfellow, also called 'Puck'?
PUCK: Yah. You could have asked, though, if you didn't know.
FAIRY: Hm. . . You are pretty hot. . .
PUCK: Yes, I know. But hark!
FAIRY: Hark?
PUCK: Yes, hark, for here cometh my master!
FAIRY: And my mistress! Let's run away and elope!
PUCK: The elope part is a new thing, but I get that a lot! Let's go!
[Puck and Fairy exit] [Titania and Oberon enter]
OBERON: Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.
TITANIA: Jealous Oberon, are you SNARKING at me? Fairies, skip hence!
[Fairies proceed to skip randomly about. Oberon laughs.]
TITANIA: [angrily] What are you doing?!
COBWEB: You told us to skip, duh!
TITANIA: I MEANT GO! JUST GO!
MUSTARDSEED: You could have just said that, mistress, duh!
[Oberon is still laughing hysterically on the ground]
TITANIA: [goes all glowy like Galadriel in FOTR] I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE . . . NOW!!!!!
PEASEBLOSSOM: We are sorry mistress! We will first cower in fear of you and then leave! [Fairies cower, Oberon is wheezing on the ground, Fairies leave, Titania returns to normal]
TITANIA: Ahem . . . what were we talking about?
OBERON: [Coughing, wheezing, snorting] Tarry, [cough] rash wanton-
TITANIA: [indignantly] I am NOT a wonton!
OBERON: It's wAnton, with an 'a', say it with me, W-a-nton, w-a-nton-
TITANIA: would you shut up?!
OBERON: You are the one who brought it up . . .
TITANIA: Humph. You are so jealous of Theseus, aren't you? Because he gets to marry Hippolyta and you don't!
OBERON: Oh, shut up! You are so smitten by Theseus! Every bleedin' night, [puts on high-pitched girly voice] 'Theseus, oh Theseus!"
TITANIA: Ooh, well at least he's cute, not like that old BAG, Hippolyta!
OBERON: She is NOT an old bag!
PUCK: [sticks head out from behind bush] AHEM, plot, please! [girly giggle behind him] Uh . . . I have to go. [disappears]
OBERON: I hate it when he does that.
TITANIA: Don't look at me.
OBERON: You know, we'd stop fighting if you just gave me that boy . . .
TITANIA: oh, fat chance! That's my friend's kid! She's kinda dead, so I'm watching the kid until he is 16 and licensed to drive!
OBERON: So . . . how long are you gonna be here?
TITANIA: Just till Theseus-the-handsome-hot-hunk-
OBERON: Ahem.
TITANIA: Oh. Sorry. Just until Theseus' wedding day.
OBERON: I'll leave if you give me the child!
TITANIA: Hm . . . Let me think about it. Uh, no.
[Titania exits]
OBERON: Puck, get over here and stop flirting with that fairy!
PUCK: [sticks head out from bush and is covered in lipstick marks] Flirting? We eloped!
OBERON: [sighs] Whatever. Just get over here!
PUCK: What is it, oh insanely-jealous-of-Theseus-one?
OBERON: You know the whole dealio with Cupids magic flowers?
PUCK: [excitedly] Can I have some to charm all the ladies in the woods?
OBERON: NO. Just get me some.
PUCK: Why?
OBERON: So I can put some on a sleeping Titania. Then she's gonna fall [girly voice] madly in love [drops girly voice] with whatever she sees next.
PUCK: Cool, sir!
OBERON: Thank you Dean.
PUCK: I'm Robin. You fired Dean last week.
OBERON: Right. Of course.
PUCK: Adios! [Exits]
OBERON: Heh heh heh . . . wait a sec! Who's coming? I AM INVISIBLE! [creates huge bang with lots of smoke, smoke clears, Oberon is covered in soot and not invisible] Let's try that again . . . I AM INVISIBLE! [huge bang, Oberon is now invisible] [Enter Demetrius and Helena, running]
DEMETRIUS: I don't love you, so go away! Do you know where Lysander and Hermia are?
HELENA: I would say, "NO, goddammit, you idiot, I only lured you into the forest so you would like me," but since I am so smitten with you I will just be your spaniel.
DEMETRIUS: Nah, I'm more of a fan of the great Dane . . .
HELENA: I'm tall!!!
DEMETRIUS: Just looking at you makes me sick!
HELENA: I'm sick when I look at you! Wait, no . . .
DEMETRIUS: Ha! Now GO AWAY! [runs in a circle]
HELENA: I will follow you! [follows Demetrius]
[Helena and Demetrius proceed to run around randomly until they exit]
[Puck enters, Oberon attempts to be visible again]
PUCK: Uh, sir?
OBERON: [angrily] I can't get this thing to work properly!
PUCK: Was that lady one of your love interests sir? Cuz if not . . .
OBERON: Only sorta. I feel sorry for her. Put some of that Magic Flower in his eyes so he'll fall in love wit her. Got it?
PUCK: [Salutes] Yessir!
{END}
*******
Whoosh! More later!
THANK YOU TO TAMZIN, they will stick their tongues out at each other again, I promise.
THANK YOU TO AILERON1, I hope this is a remedy for boring school work.
THANK YOU TO HERMIA, "but daddyyy . . ."
PUCK: Yo, dawg! Whatup?
FAIRY: Er. . . Okay. I'm fine, yo. How 'bout you?
PUCK: Not much. Whatcha been up to lately?
FAIRY: [gets mystical voice] Been wandering throughout the bushes
Briers, Park, pale-
PUCK: [interrupting] Don't you mean 'pail'?
FAIRY: No. Shut up and listen. [resumes mystical voice]
Through fire and flood
I wander everywhere.
Swifter than the moon's sphere
And I serve the fairy queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green
Farewell, thou lob of spirits, I'll be gone
Our queen and all our elves come here anon.
PUCK: Wait-wait-wait a minute. [mystical voice]
The King doth keep his revels here tonight,
Take heed the queen come not within his sight. [Drops mystical voice]
Because they're having an absolutely dreadful fight over some silly little boy that Titania has that Oberon wants and It gets QUITE irritating to here him yammer on and on about how stupid Titania is been and how he deserves the child as his "henchman" and I'm like-
FAIRY: [interrupting] Say, aren't you that crazy little sprite named Robin Goodfellow, also called 'Puck'?
PUCK: Yah. You could have asked, though, if you didn't know.
FAIRY: Hm. . . You are pretty hot. . .
PUCK: Yes, I know. But hark!
FAIRY: Hark?
PUCK: Yes, hark, for here cometh my master!
FAIRY: And my mistress! Let's run away and elope!
PUCK: The elope part is a new thing, but I get that a lot! Let's go!
[Puck and Fairy exit] [Titania and Oberon enter]
OBERON: Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.
TITANIA: Jealous Oberon, are you SNARKING at me? Fairies, skip hence!
[Fairies proceed to skip randomly about. Oberon laughs.]
TITANIA: [angrily] What are you doing?!
COBWEB: You told us to skip, duh!
TITANIA: I MEANT GO! JUST GO!
MUSTARDSEED: You could have just said that, mistress, duh!
[Oberon is still laughing hysterically on the ground]
TITANIA: [goes all glowy like Galadriel in FOTR] I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE . . . NOW!!!!!
PEASEBLOSSOM: We are sorry mistress! We will first cower in fear of you and then leave! [Fairies cower, Oberon is wheezing on the ground, Fairies leave, Titania returns to normal]
TITANIA: Ahem . . . what were we talking about?
OBERON: [Coughing, wheezing, snorting] Tarry, [cough] rash wanton-
TITANIA: [indignantly] I am NOT a wonton!
OBERON: It's wAnton, with an 'a', say it with me, W-a-nton, w-a-nton-
TITANIA: would you shut up?!
OBERON: You are the one who brought it up . . .
TITANIA: Humph. You are so jealous of Theseus, aren't you? Because he gets to marry Hippolyta and you don't!
OBERON: Oh, shut up! You are so smitten by Theseus! Every bleedin' night, [puts on high-pitched girly voice] 'Theseus, oh Theseus!"
TITANIA: Ooh, well at least he's cute, not like that old BAG, Hippolyta!
OBERON: She is NOT an old bag!
PUCK: [sticks head out from behind bush] AHEM, plot, please! [girly giggle behind him] Uh . . . I have to go. [disappears]
OBERON: I hate it when he does that.
TITANIA: Don't look at me.
OBERON: You know, we'd stop fighting if you just gave me that boy . . .
TITANIA: oh, fat chance! That's my friend's kid! She's kinda dead, so I'm watching the kid until he is 16 and licensed to drive!
OBERON: So . . . how long are you gonna be here?
TITANIA: Just till Theseus-the-handsome-hot-hunk-
OBERON: Ahem.
TITANIA: Oh. Sorry. Just until Theseus' wedding day.
OBERON: I'll leave if you give me the child!
TITANIA: Hm . . . Let me think about it. Uh, no.
[Titania exits]
OBERON: Puck, get over here and stop flirting with that fairy!
PUCK: [sticks head out from bush and is covered in lipstick marks] Flirting? We eloped!
OBERON: [sighs] Whatever. Just get over here!
PUCK: What is it, oh insanely-jealous-of-Theseus-one?
OBERON: You know the whole dealio with Cupids magic flowers?
PUCK: [excitedly] Can I have some to charm all the ladies in the woods?
OBERON: NO. Just get me some.
PUCK: Why?
OBERON: So I can put some on a sleeping Titania. Then she's gonna fall [girly voice] madly in love [drops girly voice] with whatever she sees next.
PUCK: Cool, sir!
OBERON: Thank you Dean.
PUCK: I'm Robin. You fired Dean last week.
OBERON: Right. Of course.
PUCK: Adios! [Exits]
OBERON: Heh heh heh . . . wait a sec! Who's coming? I AM INVISIBLE! [creates huge bang with lots of smoke, smoke clears, Oberon is covered in soot and not invisible] Let's try that again . . . I AM INVISIBLE! [huge bang, Oberon is now invisible] [Enter Demetrius and Helena, running]
DEMETRIUS: I don't love you, so go away! Do you know where Lysander and Hermia are?
HELENA: I would say, "NO, goddammit, you idiot, I only lured you into the forest so you would like me," but since I am so smitten with you I will just be your spaniel.
DEMETRIUS: Nah, I'm more of a fan of the great Dane . . .
HELENA: I'm tall!!!
DEMETRIUS: Just looking at you makes me sick!
HELENA: I'm sick when I look at you! Wait, no . . .
DEMETRIUS: Ha! Now GO AWAY! [runs in a circle]
HELENA: I will follow you! [follows Demetrius]
[Helena and Demetrius proceed to run around randomly until they exit]
[Puck enters, Oberon attempts to be visible again]
PUCK: Uh, sir?
OBERON: [angrily] I can't get this thing to work properly!
PUCK: Was that lady one of your love interests sir? Cuz if not . . .
OBERON: Only sorta. I feel sorry for her. Put some of that Magic Flower in his eyes so he'll fall in love wit her. Got it?
PUCK: [Salutes] Yessir!
{END}
*******
Whoosh! More later!
THANK YOU TO TAMZIN, they will stick their tongues out at each other again, I promise.
THANK YOU TO AILERON1, I hope this is a remedy for boring school work.
THANK YOU TO HERMIA, "but daddyyy . . ."