ACT 2 SCENE 2
{Another part of the forest, Titania is getting ready to sleep in an unusual fashion . . . let's take a look, shall we? Here, Titania is lying with a pillow on her head . . . let us investigate on why . . . }
TITANIA: Because you are so LOUD, you idiotic narrator!
{Well, excuse me!}
TITANIA: Yeah, that's right! Wait, since when have we had a narrator?
{Er . . . well . . . }
TITANIA: Get him, fairies!
[Fairies try to attack narrator]
{Well, if this is the way you're going to treat me, fine! Fine, I'll leave!}
[Narrator leaves, peace returns to the fairies]
TITANIA: Okay. My head aches now.
COBWEB: Do you want a massage?
TITANIA: A HEAD ache, not a NECK ache. Please, sing me to sleep.
MUSTARDSEED: Won't that make your headache worse?
TITANIA: No! JUST SING A FREAKIN' SONG, OR YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
FAIRIES: [grumbling] Lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby . . .
[Titania falls asleep]
MOTH: Okay, y'all! Now that THAT's done, let's go party at Puck's place!
PEASEBLOSSOM: But we should leave a guard . . .
MOTH: Talk about guilty conscience . . . fine, you stay behind. Everybody else-I hear he has a disco ball! [Everyone cheers]
[Exit all fairies except Peaseblossom]
PEASEBLOSSOM: You know what? [Looks at Titania] I would so rather be at a party then watching mistress sleep . . . [Titania is snoring and drooling and twitching] for obvious reasons . . . oh, well, if she gets eaten by a bear . . . [exits laughing]
OBERON (disembodied voice): I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang] Ooh, damnit. I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang, Oberon appears covered in soot] I should get this thing checked on. [Takes out Cupid's flower] Mwa ha ha, When you wake, you will fall [girly voice] madly in love [regular voice] with whatever you see, be it birdie or beastie or even Puck!
PUCK (from bushes) : WhAT??
OBERON: Just kidding. So, [puts flower nectar in Titania's eyes] wakey wakey when something . . . something . . .
PUCK (from bushes): Vile, sir!
OBERON: Yes! Of course! Away, my trusty steed! [acts like he is on a horse as Puck comes out of bushes with two empty coconuts] Away! [clip-clopping sounds fade into distance]
[Enter Lysander and Hermia]
LYSANDER: Lovey, you look exhausted. Let's rest.
HERMIA: Of course I'm exhausted, we've been running for hours.
LYSANDER: Ooh! Ooh! Let's sleep together.
HERMIA: Why do you sound so excited?! We're not even married yet! Get a room, please!
LYSANDER: [taken aback] I didn't mean like THAT.
HERMIA: [sigh] Whatever. I just don't wanna sleep next to you yet, 'kay? I still love you, you know. [moves 10 yards away]
LYSANDER: Yeah, I know.
HERMIA: You riddle very prettily.
LYSANDER: What?
HERMIA: Just go to sleep, dear.
[Lysander and Hermia fall asleep] [Puck enters]
PUCK: [singing] La-la-la, still haven't found that Athenian la-a-aaaad! And his lovely la-a-aaaaass! And when I find the-e-eeeem, that Athenian la-a- aaaaad will get some nectar in his eye-e-eeeeees! And he will-[sees Lysander and Hermia] Oh! There's the Athenian Lad! And his lovely girl! Hm . . . I thought they didn't like each other much . . . Well, they are sleeping far apart . . . Ha! [thwacks Lysander with flower, getting nectar in his eyes] You Lack-love! Kill-courtesy! You Churl! So awake when I am gone, for I must now to Oberon! [disappears, makes 'poof' noise]
[Demetrius and Helena run into clearing]
HELENA: Stay, though thou kill me, sweet Demetrius.
DEMETRIUS: Bite me!
HELENA: O, wilt thou darkling leave me? Do not so!
DEMETRIUS: No way, man! Er . . . woman! I'm leaving! Stay if you really want to! [he leaves]
HELENA: You know what? What is wrong with him! I'm just as pretty as Hermia, but he doesn't see me as more than an evil . . . thing! [stomps around, trips over Lysander] OWW!!! Hey, this is Lysander! But where the fork is Hermia? Hey . . . Is Lysander DEAD?! [shakes Lysander vigorously] WAKE UP!!
LYSANDER: [waking up] Oww, you stupid . . . Helena! [makes goo-goo mushy eyes] Helena . . . What a beautiful name!
HELENA: [disturbed] Uh . . . Lysander?
LYSANDER: Yes, my love?
HELenA: Ooooookay. What is wrong with your eyes?
LYSANDER: Nothing, my dear! [realizes something] Demetrius! O, how fit a word is that vile name to perish on my sword! [waves sword wildly about, almost taking Helena's head off] Sorry, love.
HELENA: But you love Hermia!
LYSANDER: Psh. Whatever. I do not love that loser. I love you! [makes more goo-goo mushy eyes]
HELENA: [really angrily] OKAY! YOU STUPID JERK-OFF! STOP . . . TORMENTING . . . ME!!! YOU . . . LOVE . . . HERMIA! GOT IT???!!!
LYSANDER: [meekly] Yes, mam! [under breath] Gorgeous mam . . .
HELENA: I HEARD THAT!!! [flounces off]
LYSANDER: That poor girl. Beautiful, yes, but poor. She didn't see Hermia. Oh, well, she gave me a stomachache, anyhow. So stay there! Got it? Stay there!
HERMIA: [Snoring] zzzzz . . .
LYSANDER: Excellent! I must now go honor Helena! With . . . This! [waves sword around] [does war cry] OOOGa-BOOOGa-BOOOGA!!! [runs off yelling]
HERMIA: [waking up] *snort* Lysander! Help! I'm drowning in footwear! Uh . . . Lysander? Hello? Damnit, he ALWAYS does this . . . Fine. I'll go look for him. [exits]
Whoo! Didja like? Review, por flavor! (PS; the drowning in footwear thing is from BtVS, I had to watch the last eppy, and I saw that and laughed for 3 minutes and totally did NOT listen to Buffy . . . She's lame, anyhow.) Thanks to the minimal people who reviewed! Kisses! (Hershey's, that is!)
{Another part of the forest, Titania is getting ready to sleep in an unusual fashion . . . let's take a look, shall we? Here, Titania is lying with a pillow on her head . . . let us investigate on why . . . }
TITANIA: Because you are so LOUD, you idiotic narrator!
{Well, excuse me!}
TITANIA: Yeah, that's right! Wait, since when have we had a narrator?
{Er . . . well . . . }
TITANIA: Get him, fairies!
[Fairies try to attack narrator]
{Well, if this is the way you're going to treat me, fine! Fine, I'll leave!}
[Narrator leaves, peace returns to the fairies]
TITANIA: Okay. My head aches now.
COBWEB: Do you want a massage?
TITANIA: A HEAD ache, not a NECK ache. Please, sing me to sleep.
MUSTARDSEED: Won't that make your headache worse?
TITANIA: No! JUST SING A FREAKIN' SONG, OR YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
FAIRIES: [grumbling] Lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby . . .
[Titania falls asleep]
MOTH: Okay, y'all! Now that THAT's done, let's go party at Puck's place!
PEASEBLOSSOM: But we should leave a guard . . .
MOTH: Talk about guilty conscience . . . fine, you stay behind. Everybody else-I hear he has a disco ball! [Everyone cheers]
[Exit all fairies except Peaseblossom]
PEASEBLOSSOM: You know what? [Looks at Titania] I would so rather be at a party then watching mistress sleep . . . [Titania is snoring and drooling and twitching] for obvious reasons . . . oh, well, if she gets eaten by a bear . . . [exits laughing]
OBERON (disembodied voice): I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang] Ooh, damnit. I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang, Oberon appears covered in soot] I should get this thing checked on. [Takes out Cupid's flower] Mwa ha ha, When you wake, you will fall [girly voice] madly in love [regular voice] with whatever you see, be it birdie or beastie or even Puck!
PUCK (from bushes) : WhAT??
OBERON: Just kidding. So, [puts flower nectar in Titania's eyes] wakey wakey when something . . . something . . .
PUCK (from bushes): Vile, sir!
OBERON: Yes! Of course! Away, my trusty steed! [acts like he is on a horse as Puck comes out of bushes with two empty coconuts] Away! [clip-clopping sounds fade into distance]
[Enter Lysander and Hermia]
LYSANDER: Lovey, you look exhausted. Let's rest.
HERMIA: Of course I'm exhausted, we've been running for hours.
LYSANDER: Ooh! Ooh! Let's sleep together.
HERMIA: Why do you sound so excited?! We're not even married yet! Get a room, please!
LYSANDER: [taken aback] I didn't mean like THAT.
HERMIA: [sigh] Whatever. I just don't wanna sleep next to you yet, 'kay? I still love you, you know. [moves 10 yards away]
LYSANDER: Yeah, I know.
HERMIA: You riddle very prettily.
LYSANDER: What?
HERMIA: Just go to sleep, dear.
[Lysander and Hermia fall asleep] [Puck enters]
PUCK: [singing] La-la-la, still haven't found that Athenian la-a-aaaad! And his lovely la-a-aaaaass! And when I find the-e-eeeem, that Athenian la-a- aaaaad will get some nectar in his eye-e-eeeeees! And he will-[sees Lysander and Hermia] Oh! There's the Athenian Lad! And his lovely girl! Hm . . . I thought they didn't like each other much . . . Well, they are sleeping far apart . . . Ha! [thwacks Lysander with flower, getting nectar in his eyes] You Lack-love! Kill-courtesy! You Churl! So awake when I am gone, for I must now to Oberon! [disappears, makes 'poof' noise]
[Demetrius and Helena run into clearing]
HELENA: Stay, though thou kill me, sweet Demetrius.
DEMETRIUS: Bite me!
HELENA: O, wilt thou darkling leave me? Do not so!
DEMETRIUS: No way, man! Er . . . woman! I'm leaving! Stay if you really want to! [he leaves]
HELENA: You know what? What is wrong with him! I'm just as pretty as Hermia, but he doesn't see me as more than an evil . . . thing! [stomps around, trips over Lysander] OWW!!! Hey, this is Lysander! But where the fork is Hermia? Hey . . . Is Lysander DEAD?! [shakes Lysander vigorously] WAKE UP!!
LYSANDER: [waking up] Oww, you stupid . . . Helena! [makes goo-goo mushy eyes] Helena . . . What a beautiful name!
HELENA: [disturbed] Uh . . . Lysander?
LYSANDER: Yes, my love?
HELenA: Ooooookay. What is wrong with your eyes?
LYSANDER: Nothing, my dear! [realizes something] Demetrius! O, how fit a word is that vile name to perish on my sword! [waves sword wildly about, almost taking Helena's head off] Sorry, love.
HELENA: But you love Hermia!
LYSANDER: Psh. Whatever. I do not love that loser. I love you! [makes more goo-goo mushy eyes]
HELENA: [really angrily] OKAY! YOU STUPID JERK-OFF! STOP . . . TORMENTING . . . ME!!! YOU . . . LOVE . . . HERMIA! GOT IT???!!!
LYSANDER: [meekly] Yes, mam! [under breath] Gorgeous mam . . .
HELENA: I HEARD THAT!!! [flounces off]
LYSANDER: That poor girl. Beautiful, yes, but poor. She didn't see Hermia. Oh, well, she gave me a stomachache, anyhow. So stay there! Got it? Stay there!
HERMIA: [Snoring] zzzzz . . .
LYSANDER: Excellent! I must now go honor Helena! With . . . This! [waves sword around] [does war cry] OOOGa-BOOOGa-BOOOGA!!! [runs off yelling]
HERMIA: [waking up] *snort* Lysander! Help! I'm drowning in footwear! Uh . . . Lysander? Hello? Damnit, he ALWAYS does this . . . Fine. I'll go look for him. [exits]
Whoo! Didja like? Review, por flavor! (PS; the drowning in footwear thing is from BtVS, I had to watch the last eppy, and I saw that and laughed for 3 minutes and totally did NOT listen to Buffy . . . She's lame, anyhow.) Thanks to the minimal people who reviewed! Kisses! (Hershey's, that is!)