(QUIk-E AUTHOR'S NOTE-I know I haven't been really putting disclaimers on the chappies, so it's in the 1st one, FYI. But I am happy with this story! Huzzah!)

ACT 3 SCENE 1

[TITANIA is lying asleep, GUARDLESS, in the background. QUINCE, SNUG, BOTTOM, FLUTE, SNOUT, and STARVELING come in, and are very oblivious to TITANIA]

BOTTOM: Ooh! I know what 'oblivious' means!

[No you don't. Shut up and get back to the story.]

BOTTOM: Awww . . . Damn! Uh . . .

EVERYONE ELSE: Er . . .

BOTTOM: Right. Are we all here?

QUINCE: Pat, pat-

[Everyone else starts to pat Snug on the head]

QUINCE: What the heck is WRONG with you people?!

BOTTOM: I'm not sure . . .

QUINCE: (to himself) Why me? (To everyone else) Right! Isn't this a convenient place to rehearse? I mean . . . [points over to where Titania is] look! A perfect stage!

BOTTOM: Uh . . . Good Peter Quince?

QUINCE: WHAT????

BOTTOM: [pompously] Well, there are some things that just AREN'T appropriate for royalty, you know . . .

QUINCE: [steam coming out of his ears and nostrils] Like . . . what?

BOTTOM: Like when Pyramus stabs himself . . . what if I frighten the ladies?

QUINCE: [sighs] Is that all?

SNOUT: A perilous fear, by a larkin!

QUINCE: [sighs] No, snout, it's 'By'r lakin, a parlous fear.'

SNOUT: Sorry. By a larkin, a perilous fear!

QUINCE: Whatever.

STARVLING: I believe we must leave the killing out.

QUINCEP: Hey hey hey! WHO is the director here?

STARVILING: But you heard Bottom! What if he frightens the ladies?

BOTTOM: Not a whit: I have a device to make all well. Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem to say, we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the more better assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am not Pyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put them out of fear.

QUINCE: [under breath] It will also ruin the whole play. (to everyone else) Right. I'll write one in 8 and 6.

BOTTOM: No! MORE!

QUINCE: [sighs] Okay. 8 and 8, how's that?

BOTTOM: Snazzy.

SNOUT: Won't the ladies be 'fraid of the lion?

STARVILING: Yes! It's beyond terrifying!

BOTTOM: Yes! IT would be terrible! Horrifying! Dreadful!

SNOUT: So . . . we write another prologue?

BOTTOM: Yes! Excellent! You are truly on your way to greatness, Snout.

SNOUT: [beams]

BOTTOM: And in this prologue, say that you are Snout, not a lion, and have your face showing. Something like that. What do you think, Peter Quince?

QUINCE: [has head in hands] Go away.

BOTTOM: [coaxing] Come on, aren't you our director?

QUINCE: [normal] Yes! I am. Ha! I triumph! Anyway . . . we have a bunch of problems.

FLUTE: Like what?

QUINCE: How do we get moonlight? Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight.

BOTTOM: Quick! Find an almanac! FIND AN ALMANAC!!

FLUTE: Why?

BOTTOM: SO we can see if the moon shines that night!

[Everyone randomly races around looking for an almanac, unaware that in a wood it's pretty hard to find a book, and also unaware that Quince has one.]

QUINCE: [looking at book] It does shine that night. Full moon, in fact.

BOTTOM: How would YOU know, Mr. BossyBoots!

[Quince holds up Almanac]

BOTTOM: Oh. Anyway . . . we'll open a window! Then moonlight will shine through!

QUINCE: OR someone could dress up with a bush of thorns and carry around a lanthorn-

BOTTOM: Lantern.

QUINCE: Whatever. 'Lantern' and say they're the man in the moon.

SNOUT: But isn't the lantern the moon?

QUINCE: Shut up, inferior human. They also need a chink in a wall to speak through/

SNOUT: But you can't bring a wall into the Duke's house!

QUINCE: I thought I told you to shut up, inferior human!

BOTTOM: We can have a PERSON be the wall! Boy, am I smart! [odd banging noise] Why does my ego always do that? Anyway . . . he can hold is fingers like this [grabs Snout's hand and makes him do the 'OK' sign] And that's the chink!

QUINCE: Yes, can we practice now?!

[Puck comes in, invisible]

PUCK: Woo! Some party . . . [spots Quince and the others attempting to start rehearsal] What random people . . . Ooh! This looks like a play! But so close to Titania? [thinks] Oh, well, not MY fault. Let's watch! [sits down]

QUINCE: Okey-dokey, here we go.

BOTTOM: 'Thisbe, the flowers of odious savors sweet-'

QUINCE: 'Odors', you fool!

BOTTOM: Whatever. 'Odors savors sweet,

So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisbe dear,

But hark! A voice! Stay thou but here awhile,

And by and by I will to thee appear.' [Swaggers off]

PUCK: That was priceless. [follows Bottom]

FLUTE: Is it my turn yet?

QUINCE: [sarcastically] No.

[Flute does nothing for a while]

QUINCE: What are you waiting for?!

FLUTE: You said it wasn't my turn.

QUINCE: Just go.

FLUTE: 'Most radiant Pyramus, most lily-white of hue,

Of color like the red rose on triumphant brier,

Most brisky juvenal and eke most lovely Jew,

As true as truest horse that yet would never tire,

I'll meet thee, Pyramus, at Ninny's tomb.'

QUINCE: 'Ninus' tomb, not Ninny's! Honestly! And you aren't supposed to say that all at once! Pyramus, er, Bottom? You missed your cue. Get in here!

FLUTE: Oh, as true as truest horse that yet would never tire . . .

[Enter Puck laughing and Bottom with a donkey's head]

BOTTOM: If I were fair, Thisbe, I were only thine.

ALL BUT PUCK AND BOTTOM: AUGH!!!!

BOTTOM: What? Is my beauty THAT stunning?

QUINCE: IT'S A MONSTER! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIVES!!!

ALL BUT PUCK AND BOTTOM: RUN AWAAAAAY!

[all exit but Puck and Bottom]

PUCK: Now THAT was priceless . . . don't worry, Mr. Donkey head-er, I mean, Bottom, I'll follow you . . . everywhere! HA HA HA! [thinks] But not to the toilet and I will be in a different form each time. [disappears]

BOTTOM: Why the heck are they running away? COME BACK HERE!!!

[Snout runs crazily into clearing, tripping over Titania]

SNOUT: Stupid shrub! [Titania snorts] Ah! Bottom! Your head . . .

BOTTOM: [sarcastically] What, it's a donkey's head?

SNOUT: HE KNOWS!!! HE KNOWS!!! [runs crazily out of clearing]

BOTTOM: Hmm . . . they're trying to make an ass out of me! Well, guess what, I'm handsome, I'm not afraid, but most importantly, I CAN SING! [breaks into really bad scratchy horrible song]

The ousel coooooock so black of huuuuuuuuuue

With orange-tawney biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil

The thro-o-o-o-stile with his not so truuuuuuuuuue

The wren with little qui-I-I-Illlll!

TITANIA: [awaking] What beautiful music! I will find the singer!

BOTTOM: the finch, the sparrow and the laaaaaaaaark!

The plain-song coooookoooo graaaaaaaaaay-

TITANIA: Hey! Hey you! Beautiful, hot man!

BOTTOM: Yes, yes, I know, no autographs now please, well, maybe just one . . .

TITANIA: I LOVE YOU! [hugs Bottom, crushing his ribs]

BOTTOM: [choking] Methinks, woman, you just met me, how could you love me?

TITANIA: [smitten] You are as wise as you are beautiful!

BOTTOM: Yes, I know, but I gotta leave the forest to catch my good for nothing friends!

TITANIA: I won't hear of it! Peaseblossom! Cobweb! Moth! Mustardseed! GET OVER HERE NOW!!!

FAIRIES: What.

TITANIA: Look at this gorgeous gentleman. Isn't he delicious?

COBWEB: Er . . . his head . . .

TITANIA: [gets all glowy like Galadriel] ISN'T HE HANDSOME?!?

FAIRIES: [cowering] Yes, mistress! He is!

TITANIA: Now tend to his every whim. [strokes Bottom's ears]

BOTTOM: What are you're names?

COBWEB: Cobweb.

BOTTOM: Ha. HA! If I ever cut my finger, I could use you as a Band-Aid!

COBWEB: Those haven't been invented yet . . .

TITANIA: DON'T DISAGREE WITH HIM!

COBWEB: Yes, ma'am.

PEASEBLOSSOM: My name is Peaseblossom.

BOTTOM: Nifty. Give my regards to Mommy Squash and Poppa Peascod.

PEASEBLOSSM: My mom's name was Allis-

TITANIA: SILENCE!

MUSTARDSEED: Mustardseed's my name, sir.

BOTTOM: Sir! Don't you love this place?

TITANIA: Yes, darling.

BOTTOM: But I love mustard more.

MUSTARDSEED: Uh . . .

TITANIA: Come, let's go to my bed. My precious needs to sleep.

[All Exit]

{eNd}

********

Wow! 6 pages! Katronette, I hope this is up to scratch! TTFN, new chappie soon!