ACT 3 SCENE 2
[Oberon is sitting by himself, humming a little tune]
OBERON: [singing] Raindrops keep falling on my head . . . do do do do . . . I wonder if Titania has awakened yet . . . do do do do . . .
[Puck comes traipsing in]
OBERON: Yo! How'd it go?
PUCK: Okay so there are these actors, right?
OBERON: Yeah . . .
PUCK: And there's this one dude who plays Pyramus, right?
OBERON: Yeah . . .
PUCK: Well, he was so bad, I turned him into an ass! Ha!
OBERON: HA! Wait, what does that have to do with anything?
PUCK: I'm not sure . . . but anyway, you know Titania, right?
OBERON: Of course I know her you fool! She's my wife!
PUCK: [realizing] Ohhh . . . I thought you guys were just dating.
OBERON: [head in hands] Ugh.
PUCK: Anyway . . . this is the best part! [acts like valley girl] So she, like, wakes up, like, y'know?
OBERON: [acts like valley girl] Like, omigod! Then, like, what happened, like?
PUCK: Omigod, she saw Pyramus, like, with the, like, ass's head, like, y'know?
OBERON: No way! Totally! Then what, like, happened?
PUCK: SHE TOTALLY DUG HIM! EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEEEEE!
PUCK: EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEEEEE!
PUCK: EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEE-Okay, enough of that.
PUCK: EEEEE-
OBERON: Shut up, Puck.
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: But totally brilliant idea!
PUCK: Like, fer shure!
OBERON: Listen, you need to cut the valley girl crap, 'Kay?
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: You put the juice in the dude's eyes, right?
PUCK: Ooh! Can we talk like surfer dudes now?
OBERON: What's the word I'm looking for . . . NO!
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: So did you?
PUCK: Did I what?
OBERON: [angry] DID YOU PUT THE FREAKING NECTAR IN HIS FREAKING EYES?!
PUCK: Duh. That's what I was supposed to do.
OBERON: [steam rising from his head]
[enter Hermia and Demetrius]
OBERON: Dude! That's the same dude!
PUCK: Yeah, man, that's the dude, dude, but not the chick, dude.
OBERON: [sighs]
DEMETRIUS: Dude, Lysander doesn't love you. I love you!
HERMIA: I bet you killed him while he was sleeping! Poisoned him and then shot him and then ripped-
DEMETRIUS: Whoa! This is a PG fic, Hermia! No evil R-rated violence!
HERMIA: What are you talking about?
DEMETRIUS: You don't know?
HERMIA: [blank look] Anyway, I so bet you killed him!
DEMETRIUS: Did not!
HERMIA: Where is he then?
DEMETRIUS: [shifty] Uh . . .
HERMIA: HA!
DEMETRIUS: But I didn't kill him!
HERMIA: Then help me look for him.
DEMETRIUS: No. Way. I would rather give his carcass to the ANIMALS!
HERMIA: Ew! Get out, you cur! You did kill him! EW! MY LYSANDER! NOOO! [Sobs]
DEMETRIUS: I didn't kill the stupid idiot!
HERMIA: [still sobbing] Then help me look for him.
DEMETRIUS: What's in it for me?
HERMIA: You jerk-off! [exits]
DEMETRIUS: Stupid . . . PG fic. Right. Must . . . not . . . swear . . . must . . . sleep . . . instead . . . [goes to sleep like a pig]
PUCK: Heh heh . . . uh, oops?
OBERON: [steam rising from head] You fool! You got the wrong person! GO GET the OTHER ONE!
PUCK: I'm going, I'm going, look how fast I'm going! [Puck flies away]
OBERON: Ugh. I need to re-hire Dean. [puts nectar in Demetrius' eyes]
PUCK: Look! Here's Helena!
OBERON: Duh.
PUCK: This is like a Soap Opera!
OBERON: Soap Opera? I love Soap Operas! [snaps, big Laz-E-Boy appears with popcorn bucket] Bring it on!
LYSANDER: But I love you!
HELENA: Ah, no you don't! You're just making a huge, big joke about it! I mean, think of Hermia!
LYSANDER: [sheepishly] I wasn't thinking when I said I was gonna marry her . . .
HELENA: Dude, you just don't think.
DEMETRIUS: [waking up] THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Uh . . . [sees Helena] Helena! You are a goddess!
HELENA: AGH! YOU STUPID FREAKS! YOU'RE TRYING TO TAUNT ME! GO TO HELL! [walks to a tree and refuses to look at Lysander or Demetrius]
LYSANDER: You are such a loser. [sticks tongue out at Demetrius] You only pretend you love her.
HELENA: Duh. What have I been saying?
DEMETRIUS: Oh, shut up. [sticks tongue out at Lysander] Keep that loser Hermia.
LYSANDER: NO! Helen, it isn't so!
HELENA: There's an 'a' at then end of my name . . . SAY IT RIGHT!
[Hermia comes running in]
HERMIA: LYSANDER! [hugs Lysander]
HELENA: See? I told you so.
HERMIA: Why did you leave me, my love?
LYSANDER: Because I don't love you anymore.
HERMIA: What?
LYSANDER: I love Helena now!
HERMIA: WHAT?!
HELENA: Dude, okay, just drop the act.
HERMIA: Who . . . me?
HELENA: No, the person behind you. [Hermia looks around] Of course I mean you, you twit! I thought we were best friends . . . and you betray me!
HERMIA: But I-
HELENA: Shut. Up.
HERMIA: I really think that you're the one doing the mocking, not me.
HELENA: Oh, pu-leez. Didn't you tell both Lysander and Demetrius to run around following me because you felt sorry for me? Uh huh, you did.
HERMIA: What? I'm so confused.
HELENA: Whatever. I don't need this.
LYSANDER: Stay, lovely Helena!
HELENA: [sarcastically] Excellent!
HERMIA: Lysander, don't tease her.
DEMETRIUS: Fine. If MY love Helena doesn't want you, [sticks tongue out at Lysander] she can have me! [flexes arm muscles]
LYSANDER: Whatever. You are SO lame.
DEMETRIUS: I love her more than you could ever love her!
LYSANDER: Prove it!
DEMETRIUS: I will! [flexes arm muscles and pulls out cardboard sword]
HERMIA: NOO! [grabs on to Lysander's arm, holding him back]
LYSANDER: [gasping] Let [gasp] me [gasp] fight [gasp] DEMETRIUS!
HERMIA: NO!
[Demetrius is laughing hysterically on the ground and Helena is brooding while leaning on a tree]
LYSANDER: GET OFF ME YOU STUPID FREAKIN' CAT!
HERMIA: [lets go in shock] What? Are you kidding?
HELENA: [snorts]
LYSANDER: Okay, Demetrius! You asked for it! [pulls out cardboard sword]
DEMETRIUS: Dude, you just pretty much got beaten up by a girl. I'd hate to injure your ego.
LYSANDER: Oh, I was letting her win.
HERMIA: AGH! Lysander, what the heck is wrong with you?!
LYSANDER: Nothing. I just hate you and love Helena.
DEMETRIUS: Fo shizzle!
[everyone looks blankly at Demetrius]
DEMETRIUS: What?
HELENA: Demetrius . . .
DEMETRIUS: [singsong] What?
HELENA: Please, don't ever do that again.
HERMIA: Oh yeah?! You stupid female dog, you stole my lover!
HELENA: You know what?! YOU'RE the STUPID FEMALE DOG, OKAY?!
HERMIA: WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THAT OTHER PLACE!
HELENA: WHAT OTHER PLACE?!
HERMIA: WHERE YOU CAN STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!
HELENA: BITE ME, BAMBI!!
HERMIA: ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?!
HELENA: IN COMPARISON TO ME YOU ARE!
HERMIA: SHUT UP!
[Hermia and Helena start to catfight]
DEMETRIUS: Helena!
LYSANDER: Helena!
DEMETRIUS: You know, if my love's life wasn't in danger, this would be pretty freaking hilarious.
LYSANDER: Yeah, fo shizzle. Wait, YOUR lover?! Excuse me?!
DEMETRIUS: Shut up, dawg. Get away from my love, you dwarf!
LYSANDER: You acorn!
[everyone looks at Lysander blankly; Hermia and Helena stop catfighting]
LYSANDER: What? It was in the original script!
DEMETRIUS: Whatever! You're going down, L-Boy!
LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! [both run randomly away from the clearing]
HERMIA: This is all your fault.
HELENA: Shuuuuuure. And pigs can fly.
[a pig flies by]
HELENA: I'm not even gonna ask. [runs away]
HERMIA: We-e-ell. [exits]
OBERON: I really hope you understand what you did, Puck.
PUCK: Uh . . .
OBERON: I *really* hope you understand what you did, PUCK!
PUCK: Uh . . . yes! Yeah, I do!
OBERON: Then what?
PUCK: Then what what?
OBERON: What did you do?
PUCK: What?
OBERON: FORGET IT!
PUCK: Forget what?
OBERON: AGH! [blows up, covered in ash when smoke clears]
PUCK: That's gonna sting in the morning.
OBERON: Just . . . just get them all together so we can erase their memories and think this whole ugly mess THAT YOU STARTED!
PUCK: What was that?
OBERON: Uh . . . nothing, but so that they think this whole ugly mess was just a dream. GOT IT? DON'T SCREW IT UP THIS TIME, PUCK!
PUCK: Yessir!
OBERON: Good. [floats away]
[Lysander comes running in, brandishing cardboard sword]
LYSANDER: I know you're here, Demetrius! Come out and fight like a man! [thinks] Or woman . . .
PUCK [in Demetrius' voice, hidden in bush] I'm over here, you scurvy cur!
LYSANDER: You'll pay for that! I see you in that bush! [runs over and tries to stab Puck] OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
PUCK: AGH! [punches Lysander in the face, who falls over unconscious] That worked out rather nicely.
[Demetrius comes running in]
DEMETRIUS: I heard you, you scurvy cur by the name of Lysander! [runs around stabbing at bushes]
[Puck makes himself invisible]
PUCK: Better think *this* one through. AHEM!
DEMETRIUS: [ignoring bodiless voice] AHA! You're in HERE! [stabs bush] Or not . . . I SEE YOU IN THERE! [runs into tree]
PUCK: [in Lysander's voice] AHEM, you scurvy cur!
DEMETRIUS: [sword stuck in tree] Hark! I am harkening to a holler! It is Lysander! But alas, my sword is stuck in the tree! [pulls] Ugh [grunt] can't [wheeze] get . . .
[Puck drops a coconut on Demetrius' head, who falls down unconscious]
[Helena comes traipsing in]
HELENA: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and-Whoops, wrong musical.
INVISI-PUCK: Oookay. [pulls out tape recorder] Note to self-stay away from Helena.
HELENA: I think I will fall asleep for no good reason. That good?
PUCK: About right.
HELENA: AGH! [gets hit on the head with a coconut, who falls down unconscious]
PUCK: This is fun! Oh look, there's [counts] One, two, three . . . plus one equals five! [thinks] Uh, four.
[Hermia comes running in]
HERMIA: Oh, I am so exhausted from running less than an 8th of a mile, I think I will faint now. [faints]
PUCK: Well that was easy. [flies away to Oberon]
{eNd}
Yes! Another chappie done. Sorry these are so long, the scenes are getting longer and I'm making them more extended. This is 8 pages, almost 9. Insane!
[Oberon is sitting by himself, humming a little tune]
OBERON: [singing] Raindrops keep falling on my head . . . do do do do . . . I wonder if Titania has awakened yet . . . do do do do . . .
[Puck comes traipsing in]
OBERON: Yo! How'd it go?
PUCK: Okay so there are these actors, right?
OBERON: Yeah . . .
PUCK: And there's this one dude who plays Pyramus, right?
OBERON: Yeah . . .
PUCK: Well, he was so bad, I turned him into an ass! Ha!
OBERON: HA! Wait, what does that have to do with anything?
PUCK: I'm not sure . . . but anyway, you know Titania, right?
OBERON: Of course I know her you fool! She's my wife!
PUCK: [realizing] Ohhh . . . I thought you guys were just dating.
OBERON: [head in hands] Ugh.
PUCK: Anyway . . . this is the best part! [acts like valley girl] So she, like, wakes up, like, y'know?
OBERON: [acts like valley girl] Like, omigod! Then, like, what happened, like?
PUCK: Omigod, she saw Pyramus, like, with the, like, ass's head, like, y'know?
OBERON: No way! Totally! Then what, like, happened?
PUCK: SHE TOTALLY DUG HIM! EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEEEEE!
PUCK: EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEEEEE!
PUCK: EEEEEE!
OBERON: EEE-Okay, enough of that.
PUCK: EEEEE-
OBERON: Shut up, Puck.
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: But totally brilliant idea!
PUCK: Like, fer shure!
OBERON: Listen, you need to cut the valley girl crap, 'Kay?
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: You put the juice in the dude's eyes, right?
PUCK: Ooh! Can we talk like surfer dudes now?
OBERON: What's the word I'm looking for . . . NO!
PUCK: Aw . . .
OBERON: So did you?
PUCK: Did I what?
OBERON: [angry] DID YOU PUT THE FREAKING NECTAR IN HIS FREAKING EYES?!
PUCK: Duh. That's what I was supposed to do.
OBERON: [steam rising from his head]
[enter Hermia and Demetrius]
OBERON: Dude! That's the same dude!
PUCK: Yeah, man, that's the dude, dude, but not the chick, dude.
OBERON: [sighs]
DEMETRIUS: Dude, Lysander doesn't love you. I love you!
HERMIA: I bet you killed him while he was sleeping! Poisoned him and then shot him and then ripped-
DEMETRIUS: Whoa! This is a PG fic, Hermia! No evil R-rated violence!
HERMIA: What are you talking about?
DEMETRIUS: You don't know?
HERMIA: [blank look] Anyway, I so bet you killed him!
DEMETRIUS: Did not!
HERMIA: Where is he then?
DEMETRIUS: [shifty] Uh . . .
HERMIA: HA!
DEMETRIUS: But I didn't kill him!
HERMIA: Then help me look for him.
DEMETRIUS: No. Way. I would rather give his carcass to the ANIMALS!
HERMIA: Ew! Get out, you cur! You did kill him! EW! MY LYSANDER! NOOO! [Sobs]
DEMETRIUS: I didn't kill the stupid idiot!
HERMIA: [still sobbing] Then help me look for him.
DEMETRIUS: What's in it for me?
HERMIA: You jerk-off! [exits]
DEMETRIUS: Stupid . . . PG fic. Right. Must . . . not . . . swear . . . must . . . sleep . . . instead . . . [goes to sleep like a pig]
PUCK: Heh heh . . . uh, oops?
OBERON: [steam rising from head] You fool! You got the wrong person! GO GET the OTHER ONE!
PUCK: I'm going, I'm going, look how fast I'm going! [Puck flies away]
OBERON: Ugh. I need to re-hire Dean. [puts nectar in Demetrius' eyes]
PUCK: Look! Here's Helena!
OBERON: Duh.
PUCK: This is like a Soap Opera!
OBERON: Soap Opera? I love Soap Operas! [snaps, big Laz-E-Boy appears with popcorn bucket] Bring it on!
LYSANDER: But I love you!
HELENA: Ah, no you don't! You're just making a huge, big joke about it! I mean, think of Hermia!
LYSANDER: [sheepishly] I wasn't thinking when I said I was gonna marry her . . .
HELENA: Dude, you just don't think.
DEMETRIUS: [waking up] THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Uh . . . [sees Helena] Helena! You are a goddess!
HELENA: AGH! YOU STUPID FREAKS! YOU'RE TRYING TO TAUNT ME! GO TO HELL! [walks to a tree and refuses to look at Lysander or Demetrius]
LYSANDER: You are such a loser. [sticks tongue out at Demetrius] You only pretend you love her.
HELENA: Duh. What have I been saying?
DEMETRIUS: Oh, shut up. [sticks tongue out at Lysander] Keep that loser Hermia.
LYSANDER: NO! Helen, it isn't so!
HELENA: There's an 'a' at then end of my name . . . SAY IT RIGHT!
[Hermia comes running in]
HERMIA: LYSANDER! [hugs Lysander]
HELENA: See? I told you so.
HERMIA: Why did you leave me, my love?
LYSANDER: Because I don't love you anymore.
HERMIA: What?
LYSANDER: I love Helena now!
HERMIA: WHAT?!
HELENA: Dude, okay, just drop the act.
HERMIA: Who . . . me?
HELENA: No, the person behind you. [Hermia looks around] Of course I mean you, you twit! I thought we were best friends . . . and you betray me!
HERMIA: But I-
HELENA: Shut. Up.
HERMIA: I really think that you're the one doing the mocking, not me.
HELENA: Oh, pu-leez. Didn't you tell both Lysander and Demetrius to run around following me because you felt sorry for me? Uh huh, you did.
HERMIA: What? I'm so confused.
HELENA: Whatever. I don't need this.
LYSANDER: Stay, lovely Helena!
HELENA: [sarcastically] Excellent!
HERMIA: Lysander, don't tease her.
DEMETRIUS: Fine. If MY love Helena doesn't want you, [sticks tongue out at Lysander] she can have me! [flexes arm muscles]
LYSANDER: Whatever. You are SO lame.
DEMETRIUS: I love her more than you could ever love her!
LYSANDER: Prove it!
DEMETRIUS: I will! [flexes arm muscles and pulls out cardboard sword]
HERMIA: NOO! [grabs on to Lysander's arm, holding him back]
LYSANDER: [gasping] Let [gasp] me [gasp] fight [gasp] DEMETRIUS!
HERMIA: NO!
[Demetrius is laughing hysterically on the ground and Helena is brooding while leaning on a tree]
LYSANDER: GET OFF ME YOU STUPID FREAKIN' CAT!
HERMIA: [lets go in shock] What? Are you kidding?
HELENA: [snorts]
LYSANDER: Okay, Demetrius! You asked for it! [pulls out cardboard sword]
DEMETRIUS: Dude, you just pretty much got beaten up by a girl. I'd hate to injure your ego.
LYSANDER: Oh, I was letting her win.
HERMIA: AGH! Lysander, what the heck is wrong with you?!
LYSANDER: Nothing. I just hate you and love Helena.
DEMETRIUS: Fo shizzle!
[everyone looks blankly at Demetrius]
DEMETRIUS: What?
HELENA: Demetrius . . .
DEMETRIUS: [singsong] What?
HELENA: Please, don't ever do that again.
HERMIA: Oh yeah?! You stupid female dog, you stole my lover!
HELENA: You know what?! YOU'RE the STUPID FEMALE DOG, OKAY?!
HERMIA: WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THAT OTHER PLACE!
HELENA: WHAT OTHER PLACE?!
HERMIA: WHERE YOU CAN STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!
HELENA: BITE ME, BAMBI!!
HERMIA: ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?!
HELENA: IN COMPARISON TO ME YOU ARE!
HERMIA: SHUT UP!
[Hermia and Helena start to catfight]
DEMETRIUS: Helena!
LYSANDER: Helena!
DEMETRIUS: You know, if my love's life wasn't in danger, this would be pretty freaking hilarious.
LYSANDER: Yeah, fo shizzle. Wait, YOUR lover?! Excuse me?!
DEMETRIUS: Shut up, dawg. Get away from my love, you dwarf!
LYSANDER: You acorn!
[everyone looks at Lysander blankly; Hermia and Helena stop catfighting]
LYSANDER: What? It was in the original script!
DEMETRIUS: Whatever! You're going down, L-Boy!
LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! [both run randomly away from the clearing]
HERMIA: This is all your fault.
HELENA: Shuuuuuure. And pigs can fly.
[a pig flies by]
HELENA: I'm not even gonna ask. [runs away]
HERMIA: We-e-ell. [exits]
OBERON: I really hope you understand what you did, Puck.
PUCK: Uh . . .
OBERON: I *really* hope you understand what you did, PUCK!
PUCK: Uh . . . yes! Yeah, I do!
OBERON: Then what?
PUCK: Then what what?
OBERON: What did you do?
PUCK: What?
OBERON: FORGET IT!
PUCK: Forget what?
OBERON: AGH! [blows up, covered in ash when smoke clears]
PUCK: That's gonna sting in the morning.
OBERON: Just . . . just get them all together so we can erase their memories and think this whole ugly mess THAT YOU STARTED!
PUCK: What was that?
OBERON: Uh . . . nothing, but so that they think this whole ugly mess was just a dream. GOT IT? DON'T SCREW IT UP THIS TIME, PUCK!
PUCK: Yessir!
OBERON: Good. [floats away]
[Lysander comes running in, brandishing cardboard sword]
LYSANDER: I know you're here, Demetrius! Come out and fight like a man! [thinks] Or woman . . .
PUCK [in Demetrius' voice, hidden in bush] I'm over here, you scurvy cur!
LYSANDER: You'll pay for that! I see you in that bush! [runs over and tries to stab Puck] OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
PUCK: AGH! [punches Lysander in the face, who falls over unconscious] That worked out rather nicely.
[Demetrius comes running in]
DEMETRIUS: I heard you, you scurvy cur by the name of Lysander! [runs around stabbing at bushes]
[Puck makes himself invisible]
PUCK: Better think *this* one through. AHEM!
DEMETRIUS: [ignoring bodiless voice] AHA! You're in HERE! [stabs bush] Or not . . . I SEE YOU IN THERE! [runs into tree]
PUCK: [in Lysander's voice] AHEM, you scurvy cur!
DEMETRIUS: [sword stuck in tree] Hark! I am harkening to a holler! It is Lysander! But alas, my sword is stuck in the tree! [pulls] Ugh [grunt] can't [wheeze] get . . .
[Puck drops a coconut on Demetrius' head, who falls down unconscious]
[Helena comes traipsing in]
HELENA: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and-Whoops, wrong musical.
INVISI-PUCK: Oookay. [pulls out tape recorder] Note to self-stay away from Helena.
HELENA: I think I will fall asleep for no good reason. That good?
PUCK: About right.
HELENA: AGH! [gets hit on the head with a coconut, who falls down unconscious]
PUCK: This is fun! Oh look, there's [counts] One, two, three . . . plus one equals five! [thinks] Uh, four.
[Hermia comes running in]
HERMIA: Oh, I am so exhausted from running less than an 8th of a mile, I think I will faint now. [faints]
PUCK: Well that was easy. [flies away to Oberon]
{eNd}
Yes! Another chappie done. Sorry these are so long, the scenes are getting longer and I'm making them more extended. This is 8 pages, almost 9. Insane!