Special THANKS go out to Thomas Mikkelsen and Nemo Blank for their patience and assistance in beta reading these stories!
Location: History 363.
Time: Now.
Virus Legacy Syndrome – or VLS as it was commonly known, originated in Ohio, USA in 2029. Scientists working on non-invasive surgical techniques were looking for a way to get the body to move micro-surgical equipment into place without resorting to cutting a patient open. The initial push was to use a modified virus in order to have a body's own blood flow slide micro equipment into a set location where an external computer would then provide a link up and the surgery could begin. The most common usage for this would be to work on clogged arteries and heart valves saturated with fatty residue from a lifetime diet of take-out.
The initial surgeries went well but the inventors of the technology appeared to have overlooked what would happen to the virus and not the equipment left in the bloodstream. Conventional wisdom at the time suggested that the body would treat the leftover micro equipment as waste and discard it shortly after the surgery was done. Had this technology been available 40 years previous that is certainly possible. However, with the saturation of life on the planet by over 2,000 satellites in space constantly beaming on expanding bandwidths, the micro-surgical equipment was unintentionally left active and moving around a patient's body. Further, it began to interact with the virus.
The doctors never noticed this as the initial surgery on the patients were all successful, and that was all that was needed for FDA approval of a new drug and operating technique. The company who founded the NVSL program, BLNDRNVRQT, Inc., IPO'd their stock the day the FDA approval came in. Shares were bought and sold and the management quickly came into several million dollars. The NVSL program, once identified as the culprit of the epidemic, was renamed VLS as the virus had mutated from its original form, and NVSL held a copyright and trademark which networks were reluctant to put on air fearing it would cost them revenue.
The patients who had the micro-surgeries, 16 people from all around the world (6 from USA, 2 from South America, 4 from Europe, 3 from Asia and 1 from Australia), were returned home. They continued to live but not surprisingly, their conditions changed. The micro-surgical equipment still in their bodies was undergoing unintentional software changes as well. While not fully seen, historians and physicians hypothesized that the constant satellite bombardment combined with some rather flimsy GHz microprocessors, began to alter the virus, which in turn altered the physiology of the patients. The equipment required blood to move around in and not surprisingly, began to covet more blood. This had the unfortunate side effect of turning the initial 16 patients into what many considered modern day vampires. The surgical equipment began to stimulate the patients' senses in order to locate more blood. Interviews suggest that while they may all have come to feel these urges their body was giving them, they resisted and instead began to eat raw meat.
However, the VLS was not satisfied with the low blood intake and by 2033, the first VLS assault was recorded in Bristol, England. The victim was not drained of their blood like the old story Dracula would have it, but did lose several pints and wound up in the hospital. The perpetrator, Mrs. Donna Whist, was arrested and put in jail. While awaiting trial, she assaulted several other inmates and guards, drawing blood from them as well.
While the assaults were vicious, worse yet was the VLS system had managed to begin replicating itself in the host body and began transferring copies of itself into each victim. These copies were worse than the original as they started with rouge DNA that continued to mutate in subsequent victim bodies. The original 16 were cured after a few sessions in front of an E-pulse generator, but the victims were not as lucky as it was the virus that had mutated and not the micro equipment…
NAOMI. WILL YOU BE JOINING US SOMETIME TODAY? OR SHOULD I SIMPLY TRANSFER YOUR CLASS DITCH FUNDS INTO MY GENERAL ACCOUNT?
Naomi stared at the words on her laptop, which was hooked into the desknet. She then looked up to see everyone staring at her. She took her earphones off and gave a sheepish smile.
Naomi: Sorry, Mrs. Whitmore. I was just working on some background information for my Macro biology report.
Mrs. Whitmore: That's in your 6th period, I believe.
Naomi: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Whitmore: Then you can work on it during lunch. In the meantime, Nick, what's on the agenda for today?
Nick: Kara and Dan. They're presenting Jodie Landon's work.
Colin: Go get 'em, you wild gal.
Mrs. Whitmore: Settle down.
Nick: Unlike all the previous authors, Jodie Landon decided to compile a video archive from students and faculty describing their hopes and dreams of the future. Kara?
Kara: Initial research into Jodie Landon indicates she was an influential member of her school class – vice president, on numerous clubs and involved in just about every activity during her four years in school. I did a little research on her school days before sifting through the video footage. I wasn't sure why she acquiesced to doing the interviews vs. writing a story, but I suspect it had to do with a time commitment.
Nicole: But didn't it take longer to do interviews than to work on a story?
Kara: True. But I'm not sure she had the time to work on a story at home, or if she wanted to go home to work on it to begin with.
Mrs. Whitmore: What makes you say that, Miss Wild?
Kara: Because of what she left as her contribution to the time capsule.
Jim: What was it?
Kara: It was a set of car keys. I managed to track it down through one of the dealerships in town and found it belonged to a 2001 Mitsubishi SUV.
Diane: Maybe they fell in there by mistake.
Kara: I don't think they were her keys. I checked Mitsubishi SUV prices on the net for that time period and cross-referenced cost of living index. I think that car was out of her price range. If it wasn't, then she had a few extra dollars to spend at the time, but I don't think so. If I had to guess, they probably were her parent's keys.
Nick: Why do you think that?
Kara: Just a gut feeling after watching the interviews. Speaking of which, there were hundreds of interviews covering about four hours. I didn't think we'd want to watch all these, so I uploaded the entire file into my website in case anyone wants to watch more than what we're showing today. I'd like to thank Bob for his help in this project.
Bob: Awww, that's just embarrassing.
Kara: Not so. All the video segments were disjointed. It was like one person walked around with a camera, took the footage and when finished, didn't do any post-production at all and instead transferred everything to DVD and simply threw the entire thing into the time capsule without another thought. Bob helped make this a little easier to watch. Not to mention being able to un-compile the mess so we could reformat it for true net speed. Further, once we were able to access the Li database, Bob was able to locate a lot of transition pieces that makes these interviews more complete.
Nick: So what are we going to be watching today?
Kara: We decided to narrow the footage to those authors we've been discussing this semester. And anyone else they interacted with.
The electronic blackboard flickered to life.
Jodie's Interviews
By Jodie Landon
(transcribed by Steve Brown)
BEGIN VIDEO
May 2002.
An image of Jodie Landon is seen standing in front of a camera, large microphone in hand as if she is a reporter. She is in a hallway of Lawndale High. Lockers can be seen behind her. The picture is a little grainy and digital slippage is seen every now and then, obscuring faces and/or background.
Super under shot: Jodie Landon.
Jodie: Mack, are you sure this is on?
Off-camera Mack: It's on. It's got power and the red dot indicates it's recording. How much time do you have with this tape anyway?
Jodie: About six hours. Now, shush, I'm going to start the intro.
Off-camera Mack: Good luck.
Jodie: Good morning to you future students. My name is Jodie Landon and I hope you find this a little helpful in finding out what life was like in our time. (beat) Jeez, Mack, that sounds so lame.
Off-camera Mack: I told you it wasn't a good idea to let the faculty help you write the intro.
Jodie: Yeah, I know. But when I asked Daria, she said she'd only do it if we'd let Jane do the intro in a hockey mask carrying a chainsaw.
Off-camera Mack: And you refused?
Jodie: No. Ms. Li refused when she heard about it. This sucks.
Jodie and the rest of the scene freeze. Darth Vader walks into the picture.
Darth Vader: The force is very strong with this one.
Darth then walks off camera, the scene wipes to another location behind him. The camera angle now appears to walk down a hallway in Lawndale High. Jodie is off camera. Students are moving about seemingly between classes.
Off-camera Jodie: This is the west corridor of Lawndale High. It's not any different than the east, north or south corridors other than the name. As you can see, our school spared no expense in using the lead-based paints it got at wholesale prices on the Internet. Notice the lime green walls matching the olive green ceilings and the scuffed tile flooring. Makes you wish you could have been walking these floors, eh? Oh what am I saying? If your school board is anything like our school board, you're probably still walking the same tile. Man, this really sucks.
Cut to Static white noise, "ZZZZRRRRPPP", and static view cloud the screen.
Cut to Lawndale lunchroom. The camera angle appears standing in the cafeteria. Students are moving between tables and eating food, or what the school called food. It's a little hard to tell.
Super under shot: Kevin Thompson.
Off-camera Jodie: This is the lunchroom. I heard rumors that in the late 1980's they actually served things like real food here, but these days it's all just processed waste recycled in fresh plastic to make it seem closer to what you would eat. But don't let these people fool you; they're not really eating anything. Right, Kevin?
Kevin: Huh?
Off-camera Jodie: This is Kevin Thompson. He's the quarterback for the football team in case you didn't recognize the uniform he never takes off, and believe me, when the boiler cranks into overtime and the heat just doesn't stop, you can really notice he doesn't take it off.
Kevin: Yeah! I'm the QB!
Off-camera Jodie: So tell me, Kevin. What do you want to do when you grow up?
Kevin: Huh?
Off-camera Jodie: Grow up, Kevin. What do you want to be?
Kevin: I'm gonna be the QB, man!
Off-camera Jodie: Even after you graduate?
Kevin: Aw, man, that's not going to happen for years.
Off-camera Jodie: And never have truer words been spoken.
Student 1: Yo, Kev-man. You're graduating in a few months with the rest of the seniors, dude!
Kevin: (An uncertain smile is plastered on his face) I'm not a senior, man! I still get the chicks!
Student 2: Who'd you get recently, Kev?
Kevin: Well, you know Angela?
Off-camera Jodie: Kevin! Try to focus, okay? This is for our class assignment!
Kevin: But we're at lunch – we don't get assignments at lunch!
Off-camera Jodie: (Quieter) Must try to lower IQ for this. (Louder) Okay, Kevin, let me put it to you this way. What are you going to do once you graduate school and can't play football here at Lawndale anymore?
Kevin: Oh, that's easy! I'm gonna be the QB for a college school.
Off-camera Jodie: Any one in particular?
Kevin: Whichever one asks me to come, babe.
Off-camera Jodie: Have you sent out college applications or been contacted by a school yet?
Kevin: Huh? Why?
Off-camera Jodie: Because you're graduating?
Student 2: Yeah, Kev! You're a senior!
Kevin: Man, I'm not a senior! I still get the chicks!
Off-camera Jodie: And so the world spins back into itself. Moving on.
Cut to MS shot of President Nixon, laughing.
President Nixon: Sock it to me!
Cut to new camera angle, still in lunchroom, now showing different table area. Camera then moves towards table where Jane Lane and Daria Morgendorffer are sitting.
Mrs. Whitmore: Board, pause video.
The electronic blackboard paused the video and went to a black screen. The windows automatically un-polarized to let sunlight back into the classroom. The room lights also came up gradually.
Mrs. Whitmore: Kara, Dan, what's going on?
Kara: What do you mean, Mrs. Whitmore?
Mrs. Whitmore: The scene changes. Darth Vader, President Nixon? They weren't there in the original video, were they?
Kara: Um… no.
Bob: It was my addition, Mrs. Whitmore.
Mrs. Whitmore: Oh? Why?
Bob: Well, when Kara and Dan asked for some help de-compiling the images and getting some of the references down, I thought it was kind of, well… boring that the scene shifts were either some white static or a jump cut from one location to another. So I thought it would look better if it were jazzed up a little bit.
Mrs. Whitmore: I see. And you took old video archive pieces and put them in?
Bob: Um, yeah. Essentially.
Mrs. Whitmore: A creative use of your time, Bob. Extra credit approved. You went the extra mile when you didn't have to. Well done. Board, resume video.
The lights went down, the windows blackened and the electronic blackboard flickered back to life.
The camera moves towards the two unsuspecting girls.
Off-camera Jodie: Ah. Meet Jane Lane. A very fine artist. So, Jane, what do you plan to do with the rest of your life?
Super under shot: Jane Lane.
Jane: Hey, Daria, I'm having those hallucinations again where floating cameras are asking me questions.
Daria: Don't answer unless they can pay.
Off-camera Jodie: This is for our class assignment, Jane.
Jane: You know, Daria, I'm getting this strange feeling that this floating camera knows me.
Daria: It's just your imagination. I'm sure it couldn't be Jodie as she would know after all these years to not bother us with class assignments during lunch.
Off-camera Jodie: But you two don't stick around after school.
Jane: Sorry. No speekee English.
Off-camera Jodie: C'mon, Jane. I just got the runaround with Kevin.
Daria: That's because Kevin has no brain. Didn't the straw body give it away?
Jane: Y'know, Jodie. I've actually been giving some thought to what I'd do after I graduated.
Off-camera Jodie: And?
Jane: I'm thinking of buying that 6-foot inflatable Godzilla down at the video store, and going to Inverness, Scotland. From there I'll go to the shores of Loch Ness, inflate the Godzilla, put it in the water and take some pictures. Then I'll get my first headline with: Loch Ness Monster Finally Revealed as Hoax! That'll show them! Lousy good for nothing newspaper hacks who wouldn't publish the pictures I took last summer…
(Transcriber's note: I've actually done this!)
Off-camera Jodie: Then what'll you do?
Jane: (Jane's face has a stunned expression) There's more? You mean I have to spend the rest of my life living vicariously through others?
Daria: You mean you don't already?
Jane: Of course not. Well, only if they pay me enough.
Off-camera Jodie: Why did I volunteer to do this instead of writing a story?
Daria: Because you're a glutton for punishment?
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, Daria. Your turn. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Super under shot: Daria Morgendorffer.
Daria: Taller.
Off-camera Jodie: C'mon, Daria. Can't you be serious just this once?
Daria: You seriously expect that of me?
Off-camera Jodie: Daria!
Daria: Sorry, late for class. Maybe next time.
Daria and Jane leave, the camera watching them go.
Screen wipe as a cartoon great white shark swims across the screen, shifting scenes from the lunchroom back to a hallway in Lawndale High.
The camera moves down the corridor towards a bunch of girls in cheerleader outfits.
Super under shot: Brittany Taylor.
Off-camera Jodie: Hi, Brittany.
Brittany: Hi, Jodie. Is that a new look for you?
Off-camera Jodie: What, this old camera? I've had it for ages?
Brittany: You have? Wow. Did you know that there's someone else here who looks just like you only not with a camera in front of their face?
Off-camera Jodie: I was kidding, Brittany.
Brittany: I know.
Off-camera Jodie: So, what are you going to do when you graduate, Brittany?
Brittany: My dad said I could have a party.
Off-camera Jodie: (whispers) Your dad always gives you a party. (louder) And then after the party? What are you going to do with the rest of your life?
Brittany: Well, I'm thinking of being a professional cheerleader.
Off-camera Jodie: Oh, really? For what team?
Brittany: No, team, silly. I'm going to be a cheerleader in a USO show with Bob Hope.
Off-camera Jodie: Um, Brittany, how did you come up with that idea?
Brittany: Well, I kind of got talking to Mr. Smith and one thing led to another, and…
Off-camera Jodie: Wait a minute. Who's Mr. Smith?
Brittany: Oh, he's this dreamy guy I met downtown. He looked so dashing in his uniform.
Off-camera Jodie: Uniform? He wasn't hanging out in a recruiting office, was he?
Brittany: Yeah! Hey, how did you know?
Off-camera Jodie: Brittany, we'll talk later. I'll get you out of this. How about you, Angela? What do you plan to do after graduation?
Super under shot: Angela Lay.
Angela (cheerleader #2): I'm going to be a cheerleader in college!
Off-camera Jodie: But aren't you going to a community college?
Angela: Yeah? So?
Off-camera Jodie: Never mind. Kim? How about you?
Super under shot: Kim Smith.
Kim (cheerleader #3): Well, I'm going to marry a football player and live in an expensive home. So I guess he'll have to make a lot of money.
Super under shot: Lisa Rogers.
Lisa (cheerleader #4): Hey, that was my answer. Have you been hanging around Robbie again?
Kim: Robbie? I thought he was going out with Denise?
Lisa: Denise? I'm going to kill him!
Off-camera Jodie: Maybe I should go to college and major in psychology for love-spurned cheerleaders.
Cut to a dozen pom-poms shaking, obscuring the shot and covering anything behind the poms.
The pom-poms disappear one by one. Cut a mostly deserted classroom.
Super under shot: Michael Jordan MacKenzie.
Off-camera Jodie: So, Mack, what do you plan to do once you've graduated?
Mack: I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I plan to go to college. I've already sent out applications and a few of them are interested in me. But I'll be on the football field again. (Pause) Still, I'm going to get an education.
Off-camera Jodie: You could always sell ice cream for a living.
Mack: Yeah, I guess I could do that. Become a professional soda jerk. Or even just a plain jerk sometimes. But, you know…
Off-camera Jodie: What?
Mack: There's one thing I guess I would like to do.
Off-camera Jodie: What's that?
Mack: Take you to the prom.
Off-camera Jodie: Are you asking me?
Mack: I am. Would you care to give me an answer?
Off-camera Jodie: I've never known why you'd prefer to go out with me when you could go out with one of the cheerleaders.
Mack: Maybe because they don't interest me as much as a certain Nubian sexy young woman does.
Off-camera Jodie: Maaaaacck, someone's going to hear.
Mack: Maybe, but by then it'll be too late. What say? Will you go to the prom with me?
Off-camera Jodie: Well, since you asked me so nicely – yes. I'll go. But that still doesn't address what you plan to do after you graduate high school.
Mack: Well, I'm hoping us going to the prom leads to more and more dates until finally we shack up.
Off-camera Jodie: Maaaaacck!
Mack: Okay, okay, we'll just make out in my car instead.
Off-camera Jodie: Maaaaacck!
Mack and Jodie are grinning as she puts the camera down and kisses him.
Cartoon lips smooch across the screen, covering everything up.
Cut to the hallway again. The camera is already focused on one young woman in pig tails. She is getting some books out of her locker.
Super under shot: Stacy Rowe.
Off-camera Jodie: Hi, Stacy. How about you? What do you plan to do once you're out of high school?
Stacy looks at Jodie and her camera. She thinks for a moment, a sly smile coming to her face.
Stacy: I want to do something where I'll be recognized for my own merits. Something big.
Off-camera Jodie: Any idea as to what?
Stacy: Not yet. I guess I'll have to learn all I can be first.
Cut to MS of John Cleese, from Monty Python show, saying, "And now, for something completely different…"
Cut to Jodie walking down a hall. There are plenty of students around. She is carrying the camera by hand. Jane runs up behind her. Daria walks up behind Jane, taking her own time.
Super under shot: Jane Lane – again.
Jane: Jodie! I'm ready!
Jodie: Ready for what?
Jane: I've got my answer for what I'm going to do once I get out of Lawndale High.
Jodie: Didn't we go over this earlier?
Jane: Aw, c'mon. You know I was just joking around.
Jodie: Well, it is for posterity.
Daria: What was that about someone's posterior?
Jodie and Jane ignore the comment as Jodie puts the camera on her shoulder.
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, Jane. So what are you going to do once you graduate?
Jane: Well, I've given this a lot of thought and I know it's going to take its toll on me, but it's something I've got to do. (Pause) I'm going to moon New Jersey.
Off-camera Jodie: What?
Jane: You know, moon New Jersey. I'm going to drive to the state line, drop my pants and point my can towards the Garden State.
(Transcriber's Note: I didn't do this, but I know someone who did!)
Off-camera Jodie: Jane, be serious!
Jane: You've got to be kidding. I've just spent four years in Lawndale High. If you can't laugh about that, what can you laugh at? Besides, what else do I have to look forward to?
Off-camera Jodie: The rest of your life?
Jane: Oh, yeah. That's when I'll be going to each city in New Jersey and mooning them as well.
Off-camera Jodie: Why me, Lord? Why me?
Daria: Because you let yourself get set up for it?
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, Daria, we'll try to do yours again. You feel like answering this time?
Super under shot: Daria Morgendorffer.
Daria: No.
Off-camera Jodie: Tough. I'm filming anyway. So what do you want to do when you graduate?
Daria: Leave.
Off-camera Jodie: Daria, why don't you want to answer this question?
Daria: Because it's bad enough I have to think in this building for the pleasure of my teachers, but now you want me to think about future teachers as well? I don't think so.
Cut to Dennis Miller, on the SNL news set, looks straight at the camera, screams and pulls his hair. He then laughs.
Cut to different hallway. The camera is walking towards someone at her locker. The angle of the shot is different than the way Jodie was walking previously.
Super under shot: Tiffany Blum-Deckler.
Off-camera Jodie: Tiffany?
Tiffany covers a bottle and quickly puts it in her locker before answering in a tone that is a little more coherent than her normal drawl.
Tiffany: What? What did you see? I wasn't doing anything.
Off-camera Jodie: Calm down, Tiffany.
Tiffany: What's with the camera? Are you filming me? Am I going to be in the news again?
Off-camera Jodie: Tiffany, I…
Tiffany: Because if I am, I just want to state for the record that I wasn't doing anything that I'm not supposed to.
Off-camera Jodie: Tiffany, are you okay?
Tiffany: Why do you ask?
Off-camera Jodie: Are you still upset over the astronomy field trip?
Tiffany: Who wants to know? It's my parents, right? They want you to tell them what I'm doing. I'm okay, mom!
Off-camera Jodie: Tiffany, all I was going to do was ask you what you planned to do once you got out of school.
Tiffany: Oh. Go shopping, of course.
Off-camera Jodie: I meant, after you graduated, Tiffany.
Tiffany: I always go shopping after I get out of school, Jodie.
Off-camera Jodie: Are you by chance related to Kevin Thompson?
Tiffany: Ask Sandi. She'll tell you that I go shopping at Cashman's.
Off-camera Jodie: I meant, after you graduated as a senior and weren't coming back to Lawndale High.
Tiffany: Oooooohhhh.
Off-camera Jodie: So what do you think you'll do?
Tiffany: Go shopping. At a larger store.
Cut to LS of rock musician on stage, smashing his guitar until it is little more than strings on a stick.
Cut to library. Camera is walking towards some girls at a table.
Super under shot: Sandi Griffin.
Sandi: Uh, oh. Geek patrol.
Off-camera Jodie: You know, I still remember you calling me that back in Junior High, Sandi. You remember Junior High, don't you? Back when we were in the same grade?
Sandi scowls but doesn't say anything.
Off-camera Jodie: What was that nickname you had back then? Wasn't it Snobalofigu…
Sandi: What do you want, Jodie?
Off-camera Jodie: I want to finish my assignment for the time capsule. To do that, I want to know what you plan to do once you graduate?
Sandi: (Smirks) I thought that was apparent. I'm going to college, marry a rich man who knows how to treat me as a lady, and then live happily ever after.
Off-camera Jodie: Ever after what?
Sandi: What?
Off-camera Jodie: You know, after you get married. Then what?
Sandi: I told you, I'll live happily.
Off-camera Jodie: But doing what?
Sandi: I don't know. Wife stuff.
Stacy: Isn't that what your mom did, Sandi?
Sandi: No comment.
Off-camera Jodie: That was your father's first wife, right?
Sandi: I said, no comment.
Off-camera Jodie: Look, I'm no expert here or anything, Sandi, but you might want to rethink your end goals. You might be happier in the long run.
Sandi: Thanks for the suggestions. I'll have my staff take them into consideration. C'mon, Tiffany, Stacy. I'm leaving.
Cut to black and white footage. A lady in a dress, stares at a giant robot with a visor on its face. She says, "Gort! Clatto! Verata! Nicto!"
Cut to a hallway, outside of a classroom. Jodie is with two guys.
Super under shot: Joey Green and Jeff Bonder with arrows pointing to each.
Joey: I'm going to ask Quinn to go out with me!
Jeffy: No, you're not because I'm going to ask Quinn to go out with me!
Joey: No you won't! You won't be able to with broken teeth!
Jeffy: That's what you think!
Joe and Jeff begin fighting.
Off-camera Jodie: Um, guys, don't you think Quinn will want you to do more than simply ask her out after you graduate next year?
They stop fighting.
Joey: Hey, yeah. I think I'll ask her to go steady with me!
Jeffy: She won't do it – because she'll already be going steady with me!
Joey and Jeffy begin fighting again.
Off-camera Jodie: Don't you two ever think of anything else?
They stop fighting.
Jeffy: Sure. Football.
Off-camera Jodie: I had to ask.
Joey: And… Quinn!
Jeffy: Quit thinking about my girlfriend!
Joey: Your girlfriend? One day she's going to be my wife!
Jeffy: No she won't! I'm the one who always gets her the star-shaped ice and she'll remember me and marry me!
Joey: You? I thought that was Jamie?
Jeffy: Whatever! He's not here so he's out of the picture! Quinn's my girl, not yours!
Off-camera Jodie: Um, have either of you asked her out to the prom yet?
Joey and Jeffy, nearly at blows with one another, stop and stare at the camera. Realization dawning, they run off.
Joey: Quinn?! Hey, Quinn – I need to ask you something!
Jeffy: Never mind him, Quinn! I need to ask you something!
Jodie stops filming.
Jodie: I thought I'd never be able to get rid of those two morons.
Cut to Ren & Stimpy cartoon where Ren is choking Stimy. "You ignorant sack of bloated protoplasm!" yells Ren.
Cut to empty classroom again.
Super under shot: Jamie White.
Off-camera Jodie: I'm with Jamie White, a junior this year. What do you want to do when you graduate?
Jamie looks thoughtfully at the camera before answering.
Jamie: I want to make a difference in the world.
Off-camera Jodie: What kind of difference?
Jamie: A positive difference.
Off-camera Jodie: No, what I mean is, what is it that you plan to do?
Jamie: I'm not quite sure. I only know that I don't want to play football and kick back on a couch for the rest of my life guzzling beer.
Jodie takes the camera off her shoulder and turns the top mounted light off.
Jodie: How are you holding up, Jamie?
Jamie: I'm getting by. (He gives an encouraging smile)
Jodie: Good luck, then.
Jamie: Thanks. You too. What are you going to do when you graduate?
Jodie: You know, I really don't know.
Cut to full screen shot of flag waving in breeze. No sound.
Cut to outside front doors of school (seen behind interviewee).
Super under shot: Quinn Morgendorffer.
Off-camera Jodie: Thanks for meeting me here, Quinn.
Quinn: Oh, no problem. It was the least I could do after you managed to get Joey and Jeffy detention for the fight they started in the cafeteria. I mean, I don't even know what got into them, asking me to the prom on this short notice. As if I haven't been asked even though it's a month away. I'd sure like to know who put that idea in their heads.
Off-camera Jodie: Um, yeah. So, even though you're a junior this year and won't be graduating until next year, what do you think you'll do with the rest of your life?
Quinn: You know, I haven't totally decided yet.
Off-camera Jodie: No ideas at all?
Quinn: I've got some. I'm working on getting my grades up so I can go to college. But I will tell you this – I won't be saving all the cute fluffy bunnies in the world. I worked at an animal farm a few weekends over last summer and found out that bunnies aren't that nice all the time. And they leave a mess if you're not looking. I'm not going to be cleaning that up anytime soon if I can help it. Not again.
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, if I've got this right, you're saying college is in and cute fluffy bunnies are out.
Quinn: Yeah, pretty much. Say, are you getting my good side with your camera?
Cut to a knight in armor charging on foot towards a bunch of rocks. Suddenly, a small white fluffy bunny leaps from the ground and bites his head off. He screams as he dies. An old wizard in tattered robes says, "See, I told you it was a killer rabbit!"
Cut to interior of classroom. A red-head boy is putting some things away on a cart with a TV and VCR.
Super under shot: Charles Ruttheimer, III.
Off-camera Jodie: (Mutters) The one I've been dreading. (Louder) Charles?
Charles stops loading the equipment, noticing the camera for the first time. He comes out from behind the cart to get a better look at Jodie.
Upchuck: Yes, my sweet? Is there anything I can do for you, or to you for that matter?
Off-camera Jodie: You mean other than stop revolting me with your bad dialog?
Upchuck: Ah, but that would take all the fun out of our relationship, wouldn't it?
Off-camera Jodie: We have a relationship? Does Mack know that?
Upchuck: You wouldn't be coming around asking about what I plan to do after graduation now, would you?
Off-camera Jodie: Yeah.
Upchuck: Then let me assure you and those watching this years from now that your honor has always been safe. At least, I haven't done anything to sully it.
Off-camera Jodie: Not for lack of trying.
Upchuck: True. But then, who would blame me?
Off-camera Jodie: I'm not sure. Was that a compliment, Charles?
Upchuck smiles but says nothing.
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, here's the question. What do you plan to do once you graduate and grow up?
Upchuck: Join a monastery.
Off-camera Jodie: You're kidding.
Upchuck: You're right, I am. I don't think I'd last a day in one of those before they kicked me out.
Off-camera Jodie: So what're your plans?
Upchuck: Go to college, see the world. Get as far away from my father as I can.
Jodie lowers the camera.
Jodie: I hear that. Let me know how it turns out. Good luck.
Jodie extends her hand for a handshake. Charles takes it and they shake. He then leans in for a kiss and she decks him with the camera.
Jodie: Sorry, Charles. Old habits.
Upchuck: S'alright. I'm used to it.
Cut to an ambulance screeching through the streets, its siren blaring loudly.
Cut to school teacher's office.
Super under shot: Mr. Anthony DeMartino.
Mr. DeMartino: What do I PLAN to do once I GET OUT OF THIS STINKING HELL HOLE OF A SCHOOL, Miss LANDON? That's easy! I'm going to start practicing KICKBOXING as a WAY TO CONTROL a little nervous TICK I'VE PICKED up while working here!
Off-camera Jodie: Don't you think you're a little…
Mr. DeMartino: A little WHAT?
Off-camera Jodie: A little old?
Mr. DeMartino: OF COURSE! That's the beauty of it! I get to PRACTICE with some YOUNGSTERS who look like KEVIN THOMPSON and then get TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THEM! HA, HA, HA, HA!
Off-camera Jodie: Don't you think they might kick you instead, Mr. DeMartino?
Mr. DeMartino: They might try, but after my stint in the MARINES, I don't give THEM MUCH of a CHANCE to tag ME before I BUST HEADS. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
Off-camera Jodie: Oooohhhhh-kaaaaaayyyy. I'm out of here. Thanks, Mr. DeMartino. Have fun on the practice mats this summer!
Cut to two Rock-M Sock-M robots punching each other. One finally gets in a shot to knock the other's head up.
Cut to Lawndale hallway.
Jodie is seen walking through the hallways, her video camera by her side. The electronic blackboard goes to a split screen, one view from the Li cameras showing Jodie walking, the other screen showing the perspective from Jodie's camera which is still on. Jodie is consulting a notebook, using a pencil to check things off it.
Jodie: Let's see, I got most of the senior student body, some of the juniors…
Jodie is walking towards a hallway intersection. She gets to it and turns right. The hallways are deserted. She hears something. The Li camera view shows Ms. Li standing the middle of a corridor. She is talking into a mini cassette recorder.
Ms. Li: Note to self, consider using Jock Alley lockers for time capsule. Put behind the lockers if at all possible. That way if I'm ever charged, I'll have easy access to it while out on bail…
Jodie: Ms. Li?
Ms. Li: (Quickly shuts off recorder and puts it in pocket) Ah, Miss Landon. How goes your project for the money proj… er, I mean, time capsule?
Jodie: Okay. I'm nearly done. I'm thinking of interviewing some teachers for this as well.
Ms. Li: Splendid! Splendid! The more the merrier I suppose.
Jodie: Would you like to be on it?
Ms. Li: Why not?
Electronic blackboard goes to full shot of Ms. Li.
Off-camera Jodie: Ms. Li, what are you going to do once school is out?
Super under shot: Ms. Angela Li, Principal.
Ms. Li: Have this place fumigated!
Cut to LS of Tyrannosaurus Rex from Caveman movie. Full body view. It stops walking, stops, sniffs the air and cocks its head, letting out a loud, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" like a rooster.
Cut to classroom. Teacher is standing behind his desk.
Super under shot: Mr. Timothy O'Neil.
Mr. O'Neil: Well, that's a very interesting question you pose, Jodie. I'm not sure how to answer it.
Off-camera Jodie: How about answering it today?
Mr. O'Neil: Certainly, certainly. I guess I'd have to say I just might get married one day to the woman of my dreams.
Screen wipe by a series of clouds coming onto the picture, and then leaving.
Cut to another classroom, science equipment nearby. Teacher is standing next to lit Bunsen burner, a copy of MensWorld magazine held by tongs, now burning.
Super under shot: Ms. Janet Barch.
Ms. Barch: I guess I'm going to tell Skinny he'd better get on the ball and make me an honest woman! I swear, if women had to wait around for a man to propose… not that I'm saying you need a MAN to make you complete, Jodie. Not that at all!
Off-camera Jodie: I understand, Ms. Barch.
Cut to vehicle General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard show jumping… something (it doesn't matter). Voice screaming, "Yeee-haaaa!" is heard.
Cut to school library. It is late in day. Most everyone is gone.
Jane: Daria, check it out. Landon's back with the camera.
Daria: I'm out of here.
Jane: I thought she'd have finished this assignment by now. She started this, what? Last month? Wait on – you still haven't given her an answer yet, have you?
Daria: What do you think?
Jane: I think we should go talk to her.
Daria: Are you planning on tormenting her some more?
Jane: What is that – a trick question or something? C'mon, let's go have some fun.
Jane gets up from the table and heads towards Jodie.
Jane: Jodie! Jodie, wait up! I've got a real answer for you this time.
Jodie: Forget it, Jane.
Jane: C'mon, Landon. I'm serious this time.
Jodie: Oh yeah? What are you going to say? That you're going to grow up and rob banks as an artistic expression which is probably covered somewhere the Constitution?
Jane: Hey, that's not bad… but, no, that's not it.
Jodie: How about, you're going to learn to ride a 10-foot tall unicycle and tour America on it.
(Transcriber's note: You guessed it, I knew someone who did this as well. Well, at least tried to, but after riding 3 blocks, he fell off and cracked a bone in his forearm. And that was the end of that.)
Jane: Seems kind of tame.
Jodie: Topless.
Jane: Now you're talking. But, no.
Jodie: You going to harass me with some weird answer again?
Jane: Jodie, you've got to learn to trust me. Of course I am.
Jodie gets a quizzical look on her face, then smiles at the absurdity of it. She lifts the camera up and starts filming.
Off-camera Jodie: Okay, Jane. Let's try this again. Whatdaya want to be when you grow up?
Jane: Well, I'm thinking of going into psychology.
Off-camera Jodie: Really? That sounds a little ambitious of you, Jane. What brought that on?
Jane: I thought I could get to a point where I'd learn how to get people to do my bidding. Failing that, I could at least learn how to torment them and know which buttons to push in order to take them over the edge. You know, it would be kind of like studying to take some Evil Overlord exams. How else am I going to take over the world?
(Transcriber's note: Last time. There's actually a web site devoted to the rules of being an Evil Overlord. Check it out at: http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/index.html I like to think that Jane actually contributed to this site. I wanted to contribute but the site is no longer maintained. Still, here are a couple of my contributions:
My Fortress of Doom will be built in one of the most inhospitable places on the planet such as on a polar ice cap and fully staffed at all times. It will also be lined with plenty of explosives put there when the fortress engineers weren't looking. That way when the hero and his Forces Of Good attack and take the fortress, I can safely blow it up via remote control while relaxing in my condo on Maui.
and
I will never tie the hero to the railroad tracks at 10am and wait for the 5:02 express to kill him. Even though the hero is securely tied, he has plenty of time to call his sidekick / girlfriend / horse / companion / dog to the rescue who will surely untie the knots with their hands / hoofs / paws / teeth. Instead, I will go ahead and tie him to the tracks, then immediately kill him and let the train make mincemeat of him later on. This way the carnivorous forest creatures will have a meal on me – after all, even evil overlords have a soft spot in their otherwise hard hearts for the creatures of the forest.)
Off-camera Jodie: Very funny, Jane.
Jane: Okay, okay, how about this: I'm going to paint portraits for a living.
Off-camera Jodie: Well, at least that's doing something with your talent…
Jane: Of course, it'll be portraits of nude animals, but you've got to create your niche somewhere.
Off-camera Jodie: I knew there had to be a catch somewhere.
Jane: There always is.
Off-camera Jodie: Are you ever going to answer my question with a serious response?
Jane: No. What's the point? If I don't go to college, I guess I'll just find some job around town and keep living with Trent until the house falls down.
Off-camera Jodie: So, are you going to college?
Jane: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Off-camera Jodie: That's what I thought. Go away, Jane.
Jodie stops the camera and puts it down. Grinning, Jane starts to leave. Jodie's smile evaporates as she puts the camera on the table and starts unloading her backpack, looking for a notebook. The absurdity of the moment is gone, replaced by her regular school schedule.
Jane: You coming, Daria?
Daria: In a minute. I'll meet you by the front entrance.
Jane: Later.
Daria: You okay, Jodie?
Jodie: What do you care?
Daria: Um, I don't like to see people hurt?
Jodie: My, what an amazing un-sarcastic remark you made.
Daria: I think I'll just…
Jodie: What could be on the mighty Daria's mind to not take a few minutes out of her day to criticize me and my project?
Daria: I think I'll leave before either of us says anything we'll regret.
Jodie: Regret? I'll tell you what I regret. I regret signing up for this stupid project! I regret not writing a story like everyone else. I thought this would be a more creative way to do a project and get people interested, but no. I keep ending up with crap answers, bubble headed jocks, and pervs trying to score on me for a sound bite.
Daria: Then why don't you just call the project finished and be done with it?!
Jodie: Because I need at least one more interview from the senior class before Ms. Li will sign off on it. And look who I'm talking to.
Daria: Don't even think it.
Jodie: Too late, Daria. I want to finish this and you're here.
Jodie picks up the camera and turns it back on.
Off-camera Jodie: So tell me what I want to know, Daria. Otherwise I'm not going to quit filming, and instead I think I'll just follow you around and around until I get the footage I want.
Daria: Fine, Jodie. You want to know what I want to be when I grow up?
Off-camera Jodie: That is the gist of these interviews!
Daria: Okay, then. Here it is. You don't care what I say as long as it makes good TV. You want to know if I'm going to say that I'm going to become a famous writer. Or become a chemist and find a way to synthesize fuel. Or become a geneticist and successfully clone living organs. You want to know all these things regardless of whether or not I feel like telling you. Well, I've got news for you. I don't feel like telling anyone what I'm going to do with my life.
Off-camera Jodie: Why not?
Daria: Why should I? It's my decision and I don't want to feel as if I'm trapped if I say it, like I'm not meeting anyone's expectations. Gee, Daria, you said you were going to be a famous writer when you were older but all you are is a hack. So what? What if I enjoy being a hack? Who cares? But to get you out of my hair, I'll tell you what you want to know. No games this time. You want to know what I want to be when I grow up? Here's my answer! Not alone!
Jodie turns the camera off and looks at Daria.
Jodie: Gee, Daria, I didn't mean…
Eyes slightly narrowed, a cross expression on her face, Daria holds out her left hand.
Daria: Camera.
Jodie: What?
Daria: Camera. Your turn.
Jodie: Um, what?
Daria: You spent the last several weeks hounding me to tell you what I wanted. Now it's your turn.
Jodie: Um, I really don't have any plans.
Daria: Don't tell me. Tell the camera. Now hand it over.
Jodie hands over the camera to Daria.
Off-camera Daria: So what do you want to be when you grow up, Jodie?
Jodie: Not on camera.
Off-camera Daria: Funny. Now give.
Jodie: Daria…
Off-camera Daria: I know how to operate a camera, Jodie, and I can delete my interview at any time. Give me what the camera wants or else.
Jodie: That's blackmail.
Off-camera Daria: No it's not. It's extortion. C'mon, give.
Jodie: I don't know what I want.
Off-camera Daria: I figured that. So c'mon. Make something up. Go wild. Live a little. What does the inner Jodie want out of life?
Jodie: Freedom.
Off-camera Daria: Sounds like you need to study the law. In case you haven't already noticed, you're already free.
Jodie: Not from my father. Or mother.
Off-camera Daria: You'll be going away to college.
Jodie: So? They'll be choosing my course work.
Off-camera Daria: Jodie, if you don't stand up for your freedom, you'll never get it. They can only control you as much as you let them.
Jodie: Maybe. Did I ever tell you I wanted to be a cheerleader?
Off-camera Daria: Hey, your religious beliefs are your own business.
Jodie: No, really. When I was a freshman here, I met Brittany and we seemed to hit it off. It was nice to have a friend.
Off-camera Daria: Especially one you didn't have to impress?
Jodie: You should know, misery chick.
Off-camera Daria: Touché.
Jodie: She was someone who I could just be myself with. And the way she talked about cheerleading all the time – it sounded fun.
Off-camera Daria: So what happened?
Jodie: I told my dad I wanted to try out and he refused to let me, saying I'd never get into student government if I had a cheerleader background. My mother agreed and they refused to let me try out. And that was that.
Off-camera Daria: Do you think you would have been happier as a cheerleader than as a student council member?
Jodie: I don't know. I'd like to think so.
Off-camera Daria: But in reality?
Jodie: In reality, probably not. I think I would've enjoyed doing the routines during the games, going to practice, and even hanging around with Brittany every now and then. But hanging around the rest of the cheerleaders didn't look much fun.
Off-camera Daria: So then why regret something that you wouldn't have enjoyed?
Jodie: Oh, I'm not regretting not being a cheerleader. I'm regretting that it wasn't my choice. You know what I mean?
Off-camera Daria: More than you know.
Jodie: It's just that I wish my mom and dad weren't always there making all my decisions. You have to do this after school, you have to do that summer job. It gets old.
Off-camera Daria: That's weird. I've wanted my parents in my life and you've wanted your parents out of your life.
Jodie: Trust me, I'd trade places with you any time.
Off-camera Daria: So what will you do next? If you're going into college, you could always try out for a cheerleader spot.
Jodie: No. I don't think I'd like to do that now.
Off-camera Daria: So then what?
Jodie: I'm thinking… I'll get a degree in business.
Off-camera Daria: That sounds like your father talking.
Jodie: I'm going to learn everything I can and then come back here and do a hostile takeover of my father's company in order to fire him.
Off-camera Daria: Now that's the Jodie I've come to know over the years.
Daria puts the camera down. Jodie is smiling at the prospect of coming back to town to fire her father. She holds out her hand. Daria puts the camera on it.
Jodie: Thanks, Daria.
Daria: Don't mention it. Especially if anyone asks.
Jodie: I won't. I'll let the footage speak for itself.
Daria: Damn.
ZZZZRRRRPPP
The End
Location: History 363.
Time: Now.
The electronic blackboard shut off and the room lights automatically came up.
Nick: Talk to me. What did you get out of all of these interviews, especially after what we've read about the authors?
Kara: I've had one thought come to mind the entire time.
Nick: What's that?
Kara: That people don't stick to the labels we put on them.
Mrs. Whitmore: Clarify your position.
Kara: I read the yearbook and saw some captions about a few of the people we read about. Brittany Taylor was labeled a cheerleader, a brainless blonde and basically good for nothing but baby making. But she turned out opposite from that, didn't she? Then there was Stacy Rowe – pegged as a follower, set for life as a secretary or something. But she broke out of that mold. Sandi Griffin – money and looks didn't stop her from going to the streets, did it?
Nick: Actually, that's very perceptive of you, Kara. I think you really hit something there. So where is the author, or in this case, the interviewer now?
Kara: That's Dan's responsibility.
Dan: Some of this was easy to get. Jodie Landon graduated top of her class in May, 2002. She went to college and graduated top of her class in business administration. She then continued to Harvard graduate school to get a law degree. There, she didn't finish at the very top but was still in the top ten which was good enough for the law firm that hired her. After law school, she moved to Washington D.C. to work in a law firm where she met her future husband, Justin McMillian. Two years after they met, they married.
At age 27 she got pregnant. The law firm she and her husband worked in laid her off during her pregnancy. The unofficial decision for this was that she wasn't pulling her weight with the other junior partners. This was despite having just landed several large accounts for the firm.
Now this next part is supposition on my part. This was an old chum firm. Nepotism ruled rampant. She wasn't going to get anywhere with them anyway. However, when they laid her off citing her pregnancy as an issue, that was a major problem on their end as it was against the law. They'd done it with other employees in the past and nothing ever came of it I found out, but Jodie wasn't going to sit back and let it happen to her. Besides, she was very good at documenting all her actions.
Fact: she sued her former employers, and won. From what I was able to gather, they opted to settle with her instead of appealing the verdict as they found out she was working on a movie script about her ordeal. And they didn't want the bad publicity.
Nick: How'd you find that out, Dan?
Dan: I had to use the Freedom from Dis-Information act to get her former employers to stem the information overload. You listen to them, Jodie did everything from represent clients to curing cancer.
John: Did you actually get the information you needed immediately?
Dan: No. I had to use Line Betweeners, Inc. to sift it. Turns out that wasn't the only time I used their service either.
Mrs. Whitmore: People, we're getting off track here. Dan, please continue.
Dan: Anyway, after Jodie got her settlement, she and her husband immediately went into private practice out of state, essentially representing "the little guy" against corporate America.
Geoff: Corporate traitor.
Dan: Not really. I think she had an agenda. The McMillian's started a firm and within a couple years had 20 employees working it. Currently they represent approximately 60 clients a year in court cases. While that doesn't seem like a large number, what happened with her later in life is far more interesting. Officially, Jodie McMillian touts herself as a stay-at-home grandmother of 4 children and 9 grandchildren. She also serves as a volunteer on her county's water board. It's this water board that piqued my interest. You see, about 19 years ago Mrs. McMillian was entering the courthouse with her client when they were ambushed.
Yui: Let me guess. By the mob?
Dan: Actually, no. It was by reporters. And reporters being reporters, they naturally jostled each other for position in order to get a clip of either of them. The 49-year old lawyer was bashed around and eventually lost her step, fell and broke her hip. She did get an artificial hip and supposedly found criminal law didn't hold as much interest for her anymore. At least, that's what her bio said.
But staying at home must have been a little boring as she began to work on the West Kansas water board shortly after her 50th birthday as a free legal eagle. And she's probably why they have so many water rights from other states' now. With the re-selling of water and the continued good crops West Kansas has had for the past two decades, they now have so much money coming in from other sources that they reduced the state income tax to practically nothing.
Amy: Where did you find out all this?
Dan: Freedom from Dis-Information Act, remember? It cost me plenty to get the information deciphered. Anyway, West Kansas repealed their state tax about 10 years ago which angered East Kansas politicians who relied on that revenue to no end and whose governor threatened to invade their neighbors.
John: He go through with it?
Dan: Of course not. He didn't go through with the invasion as Mrs. McMillian sent in a legal strike team to sue the pants off the East Kansas governor. It not only worked, it worked so well that no other neighboring state dares to refuse in dealing with them.
Bridget: Sounds like she's using a corporate power strategy maneuver.
Dan: I kind of think so as well. If I had to guess, I'd say that Jodie McMillian has a firm hand in indirectly controlling East Kansas. And from what I saw of personnel records, Jodie's stocked East Kansas' legal departments with a lot of high talent. If I were a betting man, I'd say she's ready to legally take over another state very soon. My guess is Mississippi. Reason: there's a lot more water to get.
Rose: She sounds power-hungry.
Dan: I know what you mean. It's hard to think that the person I'm describing has also done positive things for the country as well, such as being instrumental in the Data Cleanup Act of 2024, which wiped out unused web pages, long server tie ups and faulty links worldwide.
Nick: Anything else?
Dan: Bad karma on her end was being a part owner of a casino on a Dakota reservation. That was just after opening her law firm. It lasted about two years before they went belly up due to mismanagement and being unable to pay out a big winner. The gaming commission yanked their license.
Bob: Ouch. That had to hurt.
Dan: I think it did, financially. I think that's why she stayed in criminal law as long as she did as well.
Nick: Great job, you two. Well researched. Who wants to volunteer for next week?
Two hands raise.
Nick: Amy, Austin, you're up next week. And Naomi, I'd watch out doing your homework on Mrs. Whitmore's time.
NEXT: Stacy's story: Fashion Hell.
Contact me:
jwbandsb@cs.com
Disclaimer
Copyright (C) 2002 by Steven A. Brown, all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews (yeah, like that's going to happen), and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only (again, like that's going to happen).
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.
The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Sandi Griffin, Timothy O'Neill, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.
The Characters of future students are entirely fictionalized and only sounds like the names of other fan fiction authors whose work I have read and enjoyed. Just wait until I start putting in other author's nam… er, that is, it's all a coincidence I tell you. A coincidence! To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. Or could it? I leave questions like that to philosophers, or to OTR drivers who have experienced significant sleep deprivation.