Special THANKS go out to Thomas Mikkelsen, Nemo Blank, and Mike Yamiolkoski for their patience and assistance in beta reading these stories!
Baseball In The 60's By Michael Jordan Mackenzie(transcribed by Steven Brown)
Carl: Oooohhfff! Grunt!
Lenny: C'mon, Carl. You can do it. One more. C'mon, c'mon. No pain, no gain.
Carl: I can do two more at least, Lenny. You okay spotting me?
Clink, clink, boom sounds emanate from behind Lenny and Carl.
Lenny: No prob. What else am I going to do with my day?
Announcer: You two guys look like you're in shape. Are you in shape?
Lenny: Yeah.
Announcer: Are you toned?
Carl: Hell yeah!
Announcer: Buffed and totally muscled up without having to work at it?
Carl: Damn straight! Why else do you think I'm at this buffet stuffing my face?
Announcer: Let's face it, if you're in shape all the time and don't like it, or you just want to see what it's like to be overweight, sluggish, or just plain lazy, then try Blubber-On! This controversial new vitamin-inhibitor reverses what your parents did with their genetic screening to omit your lazy gene. No more genetic programming for you! Now you can tell them what's what and that's that! You'll be able to eat as much candy as you want and not sweat it out later on – that is until you're 200 pounds overweight and then you'll be sweating all the time, but that's not relevant right now. Available in your local health stores today in both pill form, or in a frozen form on a stick.
Carl: Frozen form?
Announcer: It's like ice cream.
Lenny: What's ice cream?
Announcer: Here, just try it.
Paper is heard tearing.
Lenny: …mmmm. Yum! I'm feeling fatter already!
Announcer: Blubber-On! Available in both Vanilla and Chocolate flavors. Try some today!
Mack: Okay, we're back sportsfans! Brad, I'm telling you, the 2068 Zima-Pac Bell-Carnival Cruise-KFC World Series is the best I've seen in years! Those players on the field are really showing they've got the right stuff, almost as if they're not even interested in the million dollar playing bonus each player gets for reaching game seven.
Brad: You're not kidding, Mack. I haven't seen this much enthusiasm for the game since a streaker club flashed the Prez throwing the opening pitch for the White Sox.
Mack: Heh-heh-heh. I remember that. What was that – about four years ago?
Brad: I think it was. I'll have to check my downloads to make sure.
Mack: Getting back to this game, what do you seeing the Senators doing next?
Brad: With the Rocks down 3-to-1 looks like Coach Tone Deaf is staying with his regular lineup, Mack. He's probably thinking, "why mess with a good thing?"
Mack: That's a smart move. Go with your gut and keep with what's been working, I always say. These are the players who got you here and they should have the option to play.
Brad: Couldn't agree more. Coach Tone Deaf… Coach Tone Deaf. You know, I've been wondering about his name this entire series. It's so familiar. Wasn't he a music star once?
Mack: You got me. I don't listen to music with a beat these days.
Brad: Ah, you prefer downloading into the cortex?
Mack: Nah, I'm just hard of hearing. Besides, I never liked rap. Hey, it looks like Rockies coach Mike Shendon is a believer in his players as well. He must not feel pressured to put in a pinch hitter.
Brad: In case you are just joining us, you've missed on heck of a swell game to this point. It's the bottom of the ninth and Rockies first Baseman, Todd Hamilton, is up to bat. If they can keep up the pressure, in three outs the Senators are looking at becoming the fastest expansion team to win the World Series, surpassing that of even the Florida Marlins or the Little Rock Strip Miners!
Mack: Hamilton shrugs off the first pitch, low and outside.
Brad: I've seen Hamilton go through as many as three pitches before he decides he sees one he wants.
Mack: I remember that game. They were all strikes as I recall.
Brad: Yeah, he wasn't really thinking at the time. Hopefully he is today.
WHACK!
Mack: Pow! Hamilton really smacked that ball! It's streaking for the back wall!
Brad: Even better, it's headed for the cheap seats! Some fan could have a souvenir today!
Mack: Won't be today, Brad. That ball just won't make it according to the telemetry readouts from the bat. Looks like it was hit .14 centimeters off the home run zone for that pitch. The ball's hit the upper line as Hamilton rounds first. Looks like he's holding up on second as second baseman Juan Smith gets the throw in from Ortega.
Brad: A double! Not a bad start. A few more of those and the Senators might just get a little nervous with their lead.
Mack: No kidding. Looks like the Senators' home crowd doesn't like the play of center fielder Mario Ortega. But they should remember that Hamilton has always been a good batter.
Brad: When he pays attention.
Mack: There's that.
Brad: And for those of you listening to this broadcast in the bleacher ring above the 8,200 box seats, no souvenir today folks.
Mack: Do you have today's attendance figures?
Brad: Sure do. Looks like we have a sellout crowd in the bleacher ring. All 410 seats were sold.
Mack: How about the box seats?
Brad: Up from last year. We have 51% attendance this year.
Mack: Folks, in a few short weeks the box seating will again open up. Put in your reservations for quality seating as soon as you can by calling the nearest major league stadium. The waiting list is getting shorter all the time and this could be something for your kids to enjoy with they retire.
Brad: Or call even your minor league stadium. The owners aren't picky. You have a good shot of getting box seats before you retire.
Mack: I feel like a pimp with these ads.
Brad: We're still on the air, Mack.
Mack: So? Looks like Chico Dominique is up to bat with third baseman Saul Hasshole on deck.
Brad: Dominique has really performed this season. Looks like he really proved the nay-sayers wrong with the signing bonus he got at the start of the season.
Mack: I'll say. You know, sometimes I wonder what these players do with all the money they get.
Brad: They buy South-American countries.
Mack: Not anymore, and it was only part of Argentina that Galaraguez bought.
Brad: He still bought a country. No matter how you define it.
Mack: Dominique swings like a rusty old gate, strike one. Even though that was over 40 years ago, I have to agree with you that payment to players was getting way out of hand.
Brad: Weren't you still playing when they enacted the salary cap?
Mack: Nessman eyes the batter, nods to the call and lets loose. Low and outside, ball one. No, I'd been cut the season prior to make salary room for a shortstop.
Brad: That had to sting.
Mack: It did, but I could see the writing on the club walls. The ball's away – Dominique checks his swing as it's high and outside – ball two.
Brad: Tension was thick as molasses in January back in those days, eh?
Mack: Count is two and one. Not really. Management had opted to start writing what they wanted from their ballclub on the locker room walls in big letters. And what they wanted for me was to leave as a cost savings. Swing-and-a-miss, like that's nothing new for Dominique – strike two.
Brad: You're kidding. You never told me that.
Mack: Never came up. I kept a picture of it to remind me where I stood with management.
Bard: 'Get rid of Mack to make room for Kenny G. Signed, the management.' Nice people.
SMACK!!
Mack: Pow! Dominque put everything into that one!
Brad: It's goodbye Mr. Spalding!
Mack: Not quite. It's heading for deep right field and… caught by outfielder Jimmy Herrera!
Brad: It's not goodbye Mr. Spalding! That was some catch by Herrera! He literally jumped onto the wall to catch the ball before it became some kid's souvenir.
Mack: Right you are, Brad. Hamilton is staying on second. The Senators are two outs from winning their first World Series.
Brad: No wonder you go out of your way to embarrass owners.
Mack: That wasn't the motivation I needed. Getting cut is part of the game. Besides I was working in broadcasting soon after. No, I like to embarrass them because I get a bonus every time it happens.
Brad: You know, I learn something new about you that I like every day.
Peter: You two should get a room.
Mack: Hasshole readies at the plate with left fielder Juan Miguel up on deck. First pitch, curve ball, inside. Ball one.
Brad: Joining us again is Peter Heinlein, our designated call-in listener. Peter, how's the bladder holding out?
Peter: I tell you, the things I do to win a contest just to get a shot at being a designated listener. Sigh. It'll be better by tomorrow.
Brad: Do you think you'll be able to stay with us until the end of the game?
Peter: You bet. I'm not missing out on this.
Brad: Any questions so far?
Peter: Nah, I'm good.
Mack: Hasshole swings like he's blind, strike one. How are you enjoying the game so far, Peter?
Peter: Not too bad. I'm just hoping for a different outcome than last year. Hey, I have a question.
Mack: Count – one and one. Hasshole readies again at the plate, swings.
DINK!
Mack: Foul ball as usual! Strike two.
Brad: Peter, go ahead.
Peter: It's a question for Mr. MacKenzie.
Mack: Please, call me Mack. Everyone does. Shoot.
Peter: How did you get the nickname, "Chipper?"
Mack: That takes me back. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Well, that's what I used to do to the old bats. I usually chipped them when I hit foul balls.
Brad: Which you tended to do more often than not.
Mack: And thank you for that glowing summary of my career, Brad.
Brad: Heh-heh-heh. Sure thing, buddy.
Mack: Hasshole steps away from the plate to stretch and wave to some girls in a box seat, his mind not really into the game. That sounds more like his style.
Peter: I don't understand. Smart-bats don't chip. They're made of plastic-fiberglass designed to shatter, but they won't chip.
Mack: Count – one and two. I played ball before smart-bats were around, back in the days of wooden bats that you could cork if you were careful. Hasshole steps back to the plate and eyes the pitcher like he's got better things to do with his time.
Brad: Really? I thought he was eyeing him like he was a bug.
CRACK!
Mack: Pow! Hasshole hits a screamer to center field! It's a one-hopper scooped up by Ortega who throws to Pedro O'Neill on third base but not before Hamilton holds up there! Hamilton's not going anywhere now, and the tying run is at first!
Peter: I thought you were a pinch hitter.
Mack: No, I was a pitcher. The Rockies have one out and runners on first and third.
Peter: Then who am I thinking of?
Brad: Depends. Are you thinking of the National League, American League, or the two expansions – the Pacific League or Southern League?
Peter: Which one did Mr. MacKenzie play in?
Mack: I played in all the leagues, at least a year each in every expansion team.
Peter: That doesn't help. I'll have to get back to you on who I'm thinking about.
Brad: And speaking of corn, have you tried Pepsico's Poppy Low Cal? The popcorn drink that tastes like the real deal! Pepsico's P-L-C! Try some today. Mack, want a sip?
Peter: When did we start talking about corn?
Mack: Nah. I used to eat the real popcorn. Drinking it just isn't the same.
Brad: True, but Congress had to do something about all those lawsuits and escalating dentist bills. I used to eat popcorn but after my last crown shattered on a kernel, I only drink P-L-C. It tastes just like popcorn.
Mack: Still gonna pass. Juan Migel, the Rockies left fielder steps up to the plate. You can see he has the glint of a winner in his eyes.
Brad: I thought that was just the glint off his contacts.
Mack: Any way you look at it, Juan has a glint in his eye.
Peter: I wonder glinting hurts?
Brad: Sorry about that Peter. You have your question ready?
Peter: Oh forget it. I'll just listen to the game.
Mack: Good idea. Miguel is looking to tear the skin off the ball.
SMACKAROONIE!
Mack: Pow! Miguel slugs a bouncer into third baseman Pedro O'Neill's glove where it's picked up and thrown towards Spago on first! Miguel is running as if he were back in east L.A. and taking the daily receipts to the bank! Hasshole has already moved to second and is holding up! The ball is on its way… and safe! Miguel is safe on first! Bases are now loaded!
Brad: Hamilton on third has just decided to make a run for home. What is he thinking?
Mack: Hamilton's running quickly but Spago's seen him and is throwing the ball to catcher Brendon Winters! Hamilton slides… and is tagged! He's outta there!
WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Brad: The crowd here has gone wild, folks. They're celebrating like the Senators have just won.
Mack: Maybe they did. That wasn't the smartest thing for Hamilton to do. That's got to hurt the Rocks.
Brad: Something's going on at home plate. Hamilton's arguing with the Umpire.
Mack: Here comes Coach Shendon and I believe that's Dr. Hibbert with him.
Peter: I don't see Hibbert's name on the roster.
Mack: That's because he's not officially part of the team, Peter. He works for the league. Uh-oh, this isn't going to make fans happy here.
Peter: What's going on?
Mack: Yep, there's the paperwork coming out. And I've just got word from our spotters on the ground that Hibbert is arguing the case that Hamilton has A-D-D, or Attention Deficit Disorder.
Brad: I've got feed coming in from the Umpire mic. Looks like Shendon's arguing that if Hamilton didn't have it, he would have left third base sooner and been safe at home. Hibbert is backing him up.
Mack: The ump is considering it… and there's the ruling. He's accepted the argument, backed up by Hibbert's confirmation and psyche profile of Hamilton. The run counts and the out is negated. Rocks are now 3-2 with runners at first and second, and one out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HSSSSSSSSSSS!!
Brad: The crowd just got wind of what's going on and they don't like it one bit. There go a few hecklers in the stands trying to jump onto the field. Oooohhh, ouch. That's got to hurt.
Mack: Folks, I can't tell you how painful those tasers look that the groundskeepers carry. Please keep in mind, if you come to a game don't jump onto the field. It can be hazardous to your health.
Brad: Two hecklers down and the rest are stopping in the stands, Mack. Here comes the emergency staff to cart away the two downed fans.
Mack: While we're waiting here's today's headlines. Leavenworth, Kansas was the scene of the latest lawyer/felon riot. Six felons were hospitalized after refusing to pay their lawyer bills.
Brad: Is it just me, or have those lawyers really started pumping iron as a prerequisite for law school?
Mack: It's not you. Congress again took up the bill to label coffee as a drug in order to regulate it like tobacco and wean kids off it.
Brad: You ever drink coffee?
Mack: Hell, yes. How do you think I stayed awake during college? But I'm all for keep kids off the juice.
Brad: More for you later, eh?
Mack: Hell, yes. And Rockies fans will be happy to hear that secondary test results have just confirmed earlier speculation of Chester Kowalski's alleged initial testing where he tested positive for excessive endorphins prior to the start of today's game.
Peter: What's that mumbo-jumbo supposed to mean?
Mack: He's been officially cut from the team.
Brad: Guess you could say he was just looking forward to it a bit too much, eh?
Mack: You ain't whistling Dixie Chicks.
Brad: And it looks like the emergency staff is off the field. Play is resuming in the 2068 Zima-Pac Bell-Carnival Cruise-KFC World Series.
Mack: Looks like KFC has just pulled out to go back another sport, Brad.
Brad: And it looks like play is resuming in the 2068 Zima-Pac Bell-Carnival Cruise World Series.
Mack: Third baseman Saul Hasshole is on second and left fielder Juan Migel is on first. Score is three and two, with the Senators lead slipping away. Right fielder Pan Oootzik steps up to the plate. Pitcher Lupe Nessman nods to the signal and throws. Strike one. Oootzik didn't even try swinging at that, figuring another strike was on its way. There's at least two more.
Brad: Something's going on at second base. What's Hasshole doing?
Mack: Hasshole has stepped off the base but isn't moving to run. He's just standing there, two feet away from second. He's folded his arms. Oh, don't do this.
Peter: What is it? What's going on?
Brad: Senators catcher Brendon Winters sees him and is throwing the ball to second baseman, Juan Smith.
Mack: Smith has just tagged out Hasshole, who still hasn't moved. It's a double-cross, ladies and gentlemen!
Brad: Yes indeed, Hasshole has turned his cap around. He's activated his lapel-izer and his Rocks white and purple colors have just turned to the Senators colors of red, azure, and topaz. He's now headed for the Senators dugout where I can see his agent and a notary are waiting with a new contract.
Mack: I hate to see that during any game, but especially during playoffs. I wish the league wouldn't let them do that anymore.
Brad: So do I, but they needed something to offset the salary cap and ever since all 56 states acquiesced to legalized gambling, odds makers have been working at leveling the playing field, any way they can.
Mack: That double-cross seems to have taken the wind out of the Rocks chances to win. It sure looks like the Senators are going to bring home the Series despite the tremendous comeback effort by the Rockies.
Peter: Sure has, Mack. But Oootzik's expression looks like he expected it.
Brad: And perhaps he did, Peter – wait a moment, how did you know that? Are you watching the game on satellite?
Mack: I thought you were our designated call in listener.
Peter: Um… no hable englaise?
Mack: That's what I thought. It's bottom of the ninth with two outs. Rocks are down 3-2. Lupe Nessman throws a pitch. Oootzik checks his swing, the smart-bat confirming it didn't enter the strike zone – ball one.
Brad: But Peter does make an interesting observation. Oootzik doesn't look all that shocked at Hasshole's defection.
Mack: No he doesn't. Look at his steely resolve. There may be fire left in the Rockies after all. It looks like the defection has given at least this young man the determination to win. Low and inside, without so much as a swing at it – ball two.
Brad: Oootzik checks the flags over the stadium's wrap-around Jumbo-tron.
Mack: Slight wind, not much help either way. Two outs, bottom of the ninth. Count – two and oh. Here's the pitch.
BONK!
Mack: Pow! Well, not so much as a "pow" on that one as more a "bonk!" Oootzik got a good pounding on that ball but it just doesn't have much heat on it.
Brad: It doesn't have the distance either.
Mack: That it doesn't. The ball's bounced back to pitcher Lupe Nessman. One out will win the game for the Senators. Nessman picks the ball up and looks at Migel running from first to second.
Brad: What's he doing? He's not throwing the ball. Miguel makes it safely to second while Oootzik trots safely to first.
Mack: Nessman still hasn't thrown the ball. The play is still active. Guest-celebrity third base coach Zeta Jones-Douglas is waving frantically for Miguel to advance. He's on the move. So is Oootzik. Players are now safely at second and third base. The tying run is now 20 meters-thereabouts from scoring.
Brad: This is amazing, Mack. Pitcher Lupe Nessman is turning is cap around and has touched lapel-izer on his jersey! His uniform colors have now converted to the Rockies colors of white and purple! This is unbelievable! He's now headed for the Rocks dugout amidst an outpouring of cheers and jeers.
Mack: A double-double-cross! Wow, what a game!
Brad: And by rule, players cannot advance more than two bases on a double-cross during an active play.
Mack: You said it! Simply amazing, sports-fans! We haven't seen that in 20 years!
Brad: No kidding. Peter, any comments?
Peter: I'm glad I paid for satellite feed to catch that.
Mack: What was that?
Peter: Um… what? Ding dong. Oops, someone's at the door. Let me get that – I'll be right back.
Brad: Unbelievable. History is being made today, folks.
Mack: Looks like Coach Shendon is signaling a play in. Uh-oh, this doesn't look good. See that, Brad?
Brad: What… oh, there it is. Yep, looks like that coach's semaphoring email signals have just been intercepted by a Speek.
Peter: You know, I've always heard that term but never knew what it meant.
Mack: It stands for Sports Geek. Looks like he's decoding the transmissions for the Senators.
Peter: How does he come by enough knowledge to translate the signals?
Brad: Usually Speeks have way too much time on their hands and fill it up memorizing useless sports trivia.
Peter: You mean like sports announcers?
Brad: Not quite. We're highly paid professionals.
Peter: Whatever.
Mack: Sure hope they were fake codes. Coach Tone Deaf's giving some final instructions to his new pitcher, Michael Bain.
Brad: We'll see on this next play. What the Senators need now is a big-time out to end this inning and win the game.
Mack: Big center fielder Paul Bunion steps up to the plate. The pitch is away.
WHACKABINGBONG!
Mack: Bunion smacks a dribbler to short stop T'sal Smork! He's picked it up and throws it to Smith who tags Oootzik – who made the smart move by staying on second. Migel is heading for home. Smith won't beat him so he throws to first baseman Spago – who incredulously isn't at first base! Meanwhile Migel has made it home safe! Game is now tied, 3-3! And Bunion is safe at first!
Brad: What's going on? Is it an error? This is the weirdest game ever, Mack. And what was with the sound that smart-bat made?
Mack: This game's got a lot going in it, that's for sure.
Brad: But where's Spago?
Mack: I can't see… ah, there he is. He's signing autographs for those kids down there next to that luxury box. Behind that field mat. Can't fault him for that. A team's got to stick behind him when those kids come to the window for an autograph.
Brad: You got that right – those luxury boxes pay the signing bonuses for players. And it looks like that's what Coach Tone Deaf's going to do. He's out of the dugout and coming over to talk to Spago. Wait, looks like a kid's asking for his autograph… and there he is signing it. That did it.
Mack: Yep. Forced out. A double autograph spells a forced out.
Brad: Bunion is no longer safe at first. By rule, he's now out.
Mack: Hold the implants, Brad. Coach Tone Deaf's refusing the forced out. He's actually waiving for Bunion to return to the base.
Brad: Unbelievable. Now that, sportsfans, is an example of true sportsmanship. No cheap shots. No forced outs to end an inning. You let the players handle things. You know, I may have to get his autograph myself.
Mack: I totally agree with you, Brad. But the important thing here is the game is tied! This is some comeback! What a game!
Brad: Peter, any comments?
Silence.
Brad: Peter?
Fwwoooossssshhhh.
Brad: Sounds like Peter is a little indisposed at the moment.
Mack: Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. Score is tied. One more run and the Rockies win their first ever World Series.
Brad: Relief pitcher Jerry Sparks is up to bat. He's eyeing Senators pitcher, Michael Bain. Giving him the once-over.
Mack: More like the twice-over, Brad. You'd think they need a room the way they're flirting with one another.
Brad: I thought they were sharing the honeymoon suite over at the Hilton last night?
Mack: I heard that from their agent. Obviously they didn't get everything out of their systems before the start of the game.
Brad: Mike chucks a heater –
BAM!
Mack: Pow! Jerry knocks the skin off that one! It's heading for the wall, but again won't be a souvenir since it just doesn't have the juice! Mario Ortega snatches it 10-meters from the wall. That's the end of the inning, folks!
Brad: More than that, it's the end of the game! Both sides win yet again! This has been some game! Everyone's going home a winner!
Mack: And here come the fireworks.
Peter: …oooohhhh, I've already got my fireworks going here.
Brad: Peter, you going to live?
Peter: Ask me that tomorrow. Oooohhh, why did I have to eat all those 7-Eleven Cheeto's brand Pizza-Cheddar-Cheese-to'sTM combined with the refreshing taste of a Super-Duper Coca-ColaÒ Colossal Gulp, the most refreshing drink you can get still in a 120oz cup with a straw?
Mack: Any more endorsements there, Peter?
Peter: Nah, I think I got them all in. Oh, wait. Thanks to the makers of Pepcid, my colossal heartburn has finally gone out. Pepcid – puts the burn out after you've eaten the junk. Okay, I'm good.
Brad: Again, both teams win, folks! It was a real nail-biter at the end when it looked like the Senators might just actually pull off an upset and win a championship series, causing serious repercussions and bad feelings which hasn't been done in… how long, Mack?
Mack: Last actual victory I saw was about 35 years ago.
Brad: I can't say it enough! Another World Series Tie! Absolutely astounding! We'll be joining our reporters in the locker rooms in a few minutes for post-game wrap-up, but first I wanted to thank my partner of 15 years for all the professionalism he's given this game. Michael "The Chip" MacKenzie, or "Mack" as we know him. This is his final game with us and with ESPN XM-Radio. Mack, you've been a true friend and mentor. And it just wouldn't be proper to let you retire without a sendoff.
Mack: Thanks Brad, but that's not really necessary.
Brad: I know, but I wanted to do it anyway. In fact, I did some extensive research into your background.
Mack: Look, I don't know how that car got parked on my driveway. I was in Buffalo that day.
Brad: Huh?
Mack: Umm… never mind. You were saying?
Peter: Is this going to last much longer? When do I get to go to the locker-room reporters? I've got questions I want to ask the players.
Brad: Watch it, buster. Anyway, as part of my research for a tribute I found that you once played football in your college years before going to baseball.
Peter: So? A lot of players do that.
Brad: True. But I did find out that during these same college years, our buddy Mack here played football with none other than the legendary Kevin Thompson, who was one of the greatest college QB's of all time. And is remembered for his NFL career as well.
Mack: Right. Great. Good times, sure. Can I go now?
Brad: No. I still have your car keys and won't give them back until we're done.
Mack: Did your research indicate that I left football as I was being kicked off the team anyway because Coach said I wasn't blocking good enough for Kevin on third down conversions? I tell you, when I went out for baseball that changed everything.
Brad: Yeah, I kind of figured, but I couldn't get any of those people to come down to the stadium tonight. They were all busy. All I could get was the next best thing to pro sports. Plus, the producer is a football fan from way back.
Mack: Lester – you and I are going to have some words.
Lester: Love you too, Mack! This is for that surprise birthday party last year.
Mack: How was I to know she wasn't your wife?!
Brad: So here's Kevin Thompson!
Peter: Who?
Brad: Kevin Thompson!
Peter: Who's he again? I thought you said he was famous!
Brad: Look, he won the national championship in college and later played in the NFL!
Peter: So.
Brad: He played for the Bengals.
Peter: They suck.
Brad: Now they do, but when Kevin played for them…
Peter: No, you don't understand. They've always sucked. They've never won anything. Why do you think they were kicked out of Cincinnati?
Brad: Look, I didn't write this intro. My producer did.
Mack: Lester!
Lester: Heh-heh-heh.
Peter: Then that person sucks too since they didn't know the Bengals sucked.
Lester: Hey!
Mack: Heh-heh-heh.
Peter: A good team, my as...
Brad: Whoops, looks like the automated censors have just jammed Peter's connection. Darn digital service. Give me the old analog days anytime. Peter will be joining us again when the censor clears the line in a few minutes. Anyway, as I was saying, Kevin Thompson had a somewhat successful career in college which led him to leaving college early and joining the NFL. Mack, you've been a friend of mine for years and I wanted to bring someone into the press box for your sendoff who I knew you'd like to see again. This is who Lester and I came up with.
Mack: You're kidding. Les, you know what I think of Kev-
Kevin: Yo! Mack-daddy! How's it hanging?
Mack: Don't call me tha… Kevin? Is that you?
Kevin: None other! You probably don't recognize me since I've gotten gray hair. Plus, I'm not surrounded by chicks or babes!
Mack: No, I don't recognize you since you're in a wheelchair with an array of tubes running in and out of you. Is that a catheter? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know. What the hell happened?
Kevin: Aw, man, you know. The same old thing.
Brad: Not entirely true, Kevin. From what I researched, during the last season you were in the NFL, the same season the Bengals were on the perch of going to the playoffs for the first time in two decades, you went in as the third string QB and managed a rout.
Mack: You sure you got your facts right, Brad?
Brad: Sure am, Mack. Kevin single-handedly turned over the football six times which led to the Titans scoring an amazing 42 points within five minutes! What a catastrophe! And thus ended Cincinnati's already questionable fondness for the Bengals!
Mack: That sounds more like the Kevin I know.
Kevin: Aw, man. I'm sure I did better than that. I got drafted after all!
Mack: I seem to remember that now that you mention it. Weren't you the very last pick?
Kevin: I still got drafted.
Brad: Indeed you were drafted, Mr. Thompson. But I don't understand why you held out in training camp for a signing bonus. You were the last pick after all.
Kevin: It was my manager's idea.
Mack: Wasn't your dad your manager?
Kevin: Yeah! My dad always had good advice. Like when to study for school or when to play ball.
Brad: His advice resulted in you being cut by Dallas before the season even started.
Kevin: But another pro team immediately picked me up! As a QB!
Brad: Dallas won the Superbowl that year. But getting back to you, the Bengals now came into the picture. You started out as their third-string quarterback still in training camp.
Kevin: I was the QB for a pro team! Just like my dad always said I would be.
Brad: Um, right. Anyway, you sustained an injury in training camp. You broke your left hand.
Kevin: I did? I don't remember that.
Brad: According to my research I'm not surprised. The official word from the team was that you were out practicing late one evening with several receivers when caught a return ball awkwardly and chipped a bone. Unofficial word had it that you and the receivers were wasted and you tripped over a ball and used your left hand to stop your fall, but ended up chipping a bone as well as getting a concussion from hitting your head on the keg nearby.
Mack: Kevin. How original.
Kevin: That's me. I'm an original kind of guy! And I was the QB!
Brad: By the fourth game of the season you were healed up and were put in to save the other quarterbacks. You lasted two series before a linebacker got through on a blitz, tackled you to the ground and broke six of your ribs.
Kevin: I remember that. It smarted.
Brad: I'm sure it did. And by the thirteenth game of the season you were healed up and again put in, only to have your right forearm broken.
Kevin: We QB's lead a dangerous life, in case any of your radio-babes want to know.
Brad: The medical reports we dug up on you indicated this re-aggravated an old college injury.
Mack: Old injury? Kevin, how bad did you get it in college?
Kevin: Didn't you follow my career?
Mack: Hell no. Brad?
Brad: Two concussions, three cracked ribs, both ankles sprained, right forearm broken. Twice. All in his junior year.
Peter: Maybe he thought he wouldn't survive his senior and that's why he left early.
Brad: Welcome back, Peter.
Kevin: A QB has to be able to withstand pain. Like a secret agent being tortured, man.
Pinch.
Kevin: Ow! What was that for?
Brad: Just pinching to see if I was awake.
Kevin: Aren't you supposed to pinch yourself?
Brad: I'll have to try that next time. Anyway, at the start of the second season, you ran into problems with the kicker.
Kevin: Ah, he was just jealous of my natural athletic ability.
Brad: You tried out for his position as rumors circulated you would be cut if you didn't perform that year.
Mack: Kevin, a kicker?! They only have one job!
Kevin: I would still be on a pro team, Mack!
Brad: Only this kicker was smart enough to substitute a cement-filled football for you to kick and you broke your right foot.
Kevin: Okay, now that I remember and it hurt.
Brad: Injured list for most of the season, you were able to finally get back in the game during the last regular game of the season. Both QB's were injured. All you needed to do was keep the ball out of the other team's hands for five more minutes and you would be going to the playoffs. Of course that didn't happen and the team summarily cut you the next day.
Kevin: Well, it wasn't all that bad. Since I didn't get picked up by another pro team, I still had time to cruise for chicks!
Mack: Still as clueless as ever, right, Kevin?
Kevin: Oh, I know that game! That's where you spin a wheel and move around on a board.
Mack: Sure. Life. Why not?
Brad: Kevin, your bio states you did get picked up by an arena team.
Mack: You're kidding. Kevin, you said you'd never play for what you said was a fake football league.
Kevin: …uhm…
Brad: He didn't, really. Seems he was cut during his first game after he got tackled and broke his ankle.
Kevin: Like I said, I still had plenty of times for the chicks.
Brad: I'm sure you did, once you got to Germany.
Mack: European Football?! Kevin, how could you?
Kevin: I had to, man. My new agent swiped my signing bonus.
Brad: And for those of you listeners who still aren't watching European Football, not to be confused with Soccer, no reason to as it was canceled 32 years ago due to dwindling ratings.
Mack: What about your playing money?
Kevin: That, um, went towards Tasha.
Mack: Tasha?
Brad: His Russian "chick." Seems he had a flair for the ladies.
Kevin: Can we not talk about Tasha? I don't want to invalidate the restraining order I still have against her.
Brad: Of course, all those football injuries pale in comparison to what Brittany Taylor did to you, doesn't it? Wasn't it in your second year in college when she found you…
Kevin: Sssshhh! Not so loud! She might be listening. Somewhere. I don't want her tracking me down again. Let's just say… she was doing some sort of science experiment with my participation.
Peter: More like involuntary participation if you ask me.
Mack: Kevin, what was she "experimenting" on you for?
Kevin: I don't really remember. I'm pretty sure it wasn't as if I was with another cheerleader or anything. Heh. Yeah, I'm sure it was for something good or whatever, like seeing if being a QB really enhances thinking powers and stuff.
Mack: (Pause) Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, heeeee. Thinking. That's funny, Kevin. Thanks, Brad. This did make my day after all. You too, Les.
Kevin: So how about you and me go cruisin' for chicks?
Mack: (Pause) Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, heeeee. You're so funny, Kevin. You're too much.
Kevin: What did I say?
Mack: Brad, I'm out of here. You've got a great career ahead of you. You're going to go far.
Brad: It's been a pleasure, Mack. Here's your keys. What are you going to do now?
Mack: I'm off to meet the missus for a late Viagra-enriched dinner. Kevin, don't stay in touch. And to all my listeners over the years, thank you. Later.
Kevin: So, Brad-Daddy, you up for cruisin' for chicks?
Brad: Don't call me that. It's Brad. And no. That's all for the 2068 Zima-Pac Bell-Carnival Cruise World Series where the Topeka Senators tied with the Denver Rockies 3-3 in a nail-biting exciting game!
Kevin: How about you, sound-guy? You want to cruise for chicks?
Brad: Next week the Baseball Channel begins the Zone Playoffs. First up is the third round of scabs following the latest player's strike in the Northern Zone vs. the Western Zone's union players. Today's teams will be going up against whoever's playing in the Montreal Zips and the Alaskan Ice Caps. Winners will advance to the Regional Zone playoffs.
Kevin: I still get all-you-can-eat shrimp for dinner, right?
Brad: I'm Brad Kwangalui wishing you and yours a good evening and remember: play fair. It goes good with your karma. Good night.
Kevin: So, do you need, like, an announcing partner or something now? I'm sure I can do it, even if it is baseball and not a real sport like football.
Brad: No.
Kevin: 'Cause I'm not busy or anything.
Brad: No.
Kevin: I'm sure I could help bring over football ratings to baseball and stuff.
Brad: Let me think about it. No.
Kevin: How about…
Brad: No.
The EndLocation: History 363.
Time: Now.
Nick: Discussion. What conclusions can you draw from this story? Rose? Yui? Who is Michael Jordan Mackenzie?
Rose: I'll start with the obvious. He didn't like Kevin Thompson. He may not have hated him or anything, but he certainly wasn't fond of him.
Mrs. Whitmore: How do you know that?
Rose: Take a look at the size of the story. About a quarter of it goes into Kevin Thompson's declining career and how he had a lot of bad things happen to him. Combine that with the footage we've seen of him from the other stories and you get an idea that not too many people really liked him.
Ben: True, but not too much is known about Mack either. How do we know he wasn't just like Kevin?
Rose: I thought of that as well. I even checked on his school record. He was the captain of the football team, not Kevin. My guess is that he looked out for Kevin, and did a good job at since they won a lot more games than they lost. But then I compared his story to Kevin's. They are vastly different in that someone actually put some thought into this one vs. simply going around with a tape recorder on the other.
Dan: The thought being to put Kevin in traction?
Rose: I'll give you that. The first thing I found out about the author is that he had a work ethic unlike other jocks.
Diana: Hey!
Debbie: Hey!
Diane: Yeah. I mean, hey!
Rose: Sorry. Jocks at the time the story was written.
Diana: That's better.
Mrs. Whitmore: People. Rose, continue.
Rose: The initial footage Nick downloaded showed a group of people put in a room and told to write up something for this time capsule. It also had former-principal Li saying that Michael, or Mack, was one of the very few people to sign up for this assignment – voluntarily. He wanted to do something of his own will vs. having to do it for a grade. That showed character.
Austin: Shows the character of someone who doesn't have a portfolio to manage if you ask me.
Nick: We're not, so keep quiet and let Rose continue.
Rose: He worked his assignment and truthfully, I think he wrote a story on what he wanted to do when he was older. He wanted to go into announcing. Or possibly still be around sports in some capacity. I think he enjoyed it. I found his school records showing he was in just about every sport they had and still managed to keep up a pretty decent GPA.
Amy: I don't care what anyone else says, I liked the story. I was just amazed at how close his story came to predicting the future. I mean, how did he think to predict the Popcorn Boycott of 2033-2037? It's just amazing.
Nick: Coincidence.
Amy: The Lawyer Fee Strike of 2028?
Nick: Simple coincidence.
Amy: What about the current backlash to genetic screening?
Nick: Magic 8-Ball? I don't know.
Amy: How about Brittany Taylor's experiments on him?
Mrs. Whitmore: Nick, let's get back on the author.
Nick: My apologies. Rose, go ahead. What else did you find?
Rose: Like everyone else, I wanted to know a little bit more on my author. We ran the queries on the Li archives and found the following which I think leads to how this story was created. Loading video feed.
The electronic blackboard flickers to life.
BEGIN VIDEOEarly December, 2001.
At the end of a class, the bell rings and students leave their classes. Mack catches up to Jodie as they go to their lockers.
Mack: Any idea on what you're doing for the time capsule?
Jodie: I guess I could write up a story.
Mack: I thought you wanted to do something else. Something you haven't done yet.
Jodie: I know. I haven't ruled out doing the video shoots and all. I guess it wouldn't take that long to do it. If I drop hints now, maybe I'll even get a video camera for Christmas.
Mack: Let me know if you need some help. Mack's "Schleping Service" is at your disposal.
Jodie: Thanks, Mack.
Brittany: Hi, guys. Have you seen Kevin?
Jodie: No, not recently. Not since the other night… er… no.
Mack: Did you hear about the fires they had the docks the other night? Sounds like something exploded there.
Brittany: No, we didn't hear a thing. We weren't even there. Why do you ask? Have you seen Kevin?
Mack: Not since Friday. If we're lucky, he got himself arrested.
Brittany: I'm sure it wouldn't be for arson.
Mack: Um, okay. I was thinking it might be along the lines of drunken driving.
Jodie: Oh, yes. That's right. He does like his beverages.
Mack: You two okay?
Jodie: Uh… yeah. Why, look, it's Jane and Daria. Hi, guys.
Daria: Hey.
Jane: Hey. I'm telling you, Daria, you can't let them slide. You should tell O'Neill or something.
Jodie: What's going on?
Daria: Nothing.
Jane: Nothing my big patootie.
Mack: You have a big patootie?
Jane: Jodie, keep your testosterone-companion from looking at my patootie, would you?
Jodie: What's a patootie anyway?
Brittany: It's something Kevin would want, isn't it?
Jane: I'm not saying. But I am saying that we should all have to create our own work for this time capsule assignment. I don't have a problem helping one another out, but I'd like to see us all start with something original. Not copies.
Mack: What's up, Daria?
Daria: Oh, a couple of the J's turned in the same story with slight variations.
Mack: Jeffy and Joey?
Daria: Yeah. How'd you know?
Mack: I was there when Coach told them to do it.
Daria: Well, I'm not too worried. I just want to finish this up and get that picture back from Li before it's too late.
Mack: What picture?
Daria: What have you heard? I had nothing to do with it.
Mack: I feel like I'm in a re-run.
Jane: Welcome to my world. I swear, it's taking forever to graduate.
Daria: When am I getting your story, Mack?
Mack: It's mostly… not done… so far. I'm working on it.
Jodie: I thought you had an idea you were working on a couple weeks ago.
Mack: I did. But then Joey and Jeffy found out about it and used it for their story.
Daria: You went out with Quinn?
Mack: Huh? My story was about a spy fighting terrorism.
Daria: Oh. The secondary story. Got it.
Jane: Just to clear things up, you didn't go out with Quinn, did you?
Mack: No. Why are you even asking?
Jane: Just wanted to make sure so Jodie doesn't have it in for you. Right, Jodie?
Jodie: I trust Mack, Jane. Now stop pointing your patootie at him. Mack, don't look at her patootie.
Mack: What's a patootie anyway?
Daria: Any idea on a new story then?
Mack: I just haven't found another angle.
Brittany: If it were me, I'd just write a story on what I want to do when I get lots older, like when I'm 25. So none of you have seen Kevin? If I find out he's with someone else, I'm going to put him in a world of hurt.
VIDEO ENDS
Rose: And here's the follow-up to that conversation, about two weeks later. I'm guessing in that time Mack wrote and turned in his story.
BEGIN VIDEOMid-December, 2001
Mack is sitting on the floor by his locker. Jodie, Brittany, Jane, and Daria walk up to him. Mack gets up.
Mack: Hey. What's up?
Jane: I read your story. I can't believe I wasn't even mentioned.
Daria: Mack, I hope you aren't mad. But your story was very enjoyable and I knew a select crowd who would enjoy it for what it was before we buried it somewhere for the next century.
Mack: I'm not mad. So, what did you think of it?
Jodie: Viagra? I don't think so.
Brittany: I had a hard time following it. I tried following the parts of cheerleaders but it didn't make any sense.
Jodie: Britt, there aren't any cheerleaders in the story.
Brittany: Then how did Kevin end up in a wheelchair?
Daria: Healthy living?
Jane: More like unhealthy living with healthy beings.
Brittany: Huh?
Jane: You probably found out he was going out with another cheerleader.
Brittany's eyes open with sudden realization. She lightly punches Mack on the arm.
Brittany: I get it now. You really do pay attention. Thanks, Mack.
VIDEO ENDS
The windows automatically un-darken and the lights come up.
Ben: What did Brittany mean by that?
Rose: I wasn't sure until I ran a multi-thread query for an angered Brittany. Almost every time I saw some footage of her angry the reason was Kevin doing something.
Diana: Those "somethings" being dating someone else?
Rose: Yep. I'm thinking that maybe Mack just gradually got tired of Kevin, because he kept on behaving like a clown, and as Mack got older it stopped being funny. Basically, Mack grew up, and Kevin didn't.
Rich: So what did you think the story meant, Rose?
Rose: I think it can be summed up like this: Careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
Bob: What do you mean?
Rose: I think the story alluded to Mack wanting to stay around sports. And that's what happened. Yui has more on that.
Yui: Mack Mackenzie graduated with the rest of his class in May 2002. He went to college in California on a football scholarship, the same team as Kevin Thompson. He played, but was no more of a standout athlete there than he was in high school. He was cut from the team by the end of his sophomore year as he was involved in some sort of drug scandal.
Nicole: He was a drug user? Which kind, smack?
Yui: Nope. Steroids. He was fingered as one of a dozen users on the team. They all got cut and were sent packing from the school. It's unclear if he was actually involved as most of the expulsions came from the result of testimony, not hard facts. But simple truth was he was out of that school. Mack left California and ended up going to a local college in Michigan. Since he no longer had to concentrate on football, or possibly keeping Kevin out of trouble in football, he did very well in school.
Nicole: Why Michigan?
Yui: No idea. Maybe his father was from there. Anyway, Mack's grades were very good and he
made the Dean's list his first year.
Coincidently, that was during the same time that Stanford became the #1
team with Kevin Thompson at the helm.
He graduated in 2007 with a double major, holding degrees in Broadcast
Communications and Sociology. He then
moved to New York and became a cop.
From what I found on his tax records, this didn't last long. I contacted NYPolice-PR.org to inquire about
him and found that he was dismissed after five years on the force for alleged
drug use. Again, steroids. The NYPD PR division wouldn't say if he was
currently taking them when he got sacked, only that he had once taken them and
had not admitted it prior to entering the academy.
Mack, now off the force, took to a career in journalism. He became a TV reporter in several small
markets, not managing to get ahead, or land an anchor job. I actually saw some of the archived
footage. He was a stiff on-camera. Eventually, he beefed up, this time with the
help of steroids. I found an article he
gave years later indicating that he began taking it after his second bum rap,
when he was kicked off his beat, saying he might as well do it since he'd
already been vilified for it.
He quit journalism but wasn't unemployed long.
He hardened that muscle and tried out and was accepted into the WWF as
Mack Daddy – an unstoppable opponent when he entered the ring. From my conversation with Mr. Charisma last
week, when Mack entered the ring and everyone started chanting his name, that
seemed to energize him and he would go into a frenzy.
And for some reason, he would always refer to his adversary as Kevin. From the other stories I figured out that
the "Kevin" referred to was the same Kevin Thompson who always called him Mack
Daddy, a nickname which he apparently didn't care for. I found plenty of references to that in the
Li archives. The nickname must have
jazzed him up, probably getting his anger pumping. I'm surmising that he imagined his opponents as Kevin. I could see why he would do that considering
that in the article Mack gave he mentioned he was cut from the football team
because he took the rap for Kevin's steroid abuse at their coach's insistence,
apparently for the "good of the team".
On a side note, I went to the WWF ongoing contests site on their home page and
answered an outstanding question about the "Kevin" angle. I won the $5K grand prize and am being
published in the next issue of WWF Quarterly.
Score!
Austin: You need a money manager?
Yui: We'll talk. Anyway, Mack was in six matches, winning them all. In the middle of the seventh match a crazed fan jumped into the ring and put a knife into his back. It struck near his spinal column and he was partially paralyzed, going Dole. The WWF claimed Mack wasn't fully vested yet in his 401K and denied any sort of pension. As is, they barely paid most of his medical bills. He used what savings he had left to pay the rest. Ironically, Mack ended up working as a security guard for the same stadium where he was injured.
Nick: Any family?
Yui: An ex-wife. Married her when he was a TV reporter. They divorced shortly after he got out of the hospital and found he was broke. No kids.
Mrs. Whitmore: So where's Michael Mackenzie now?
Yui: He died six years ago from heart disease brought on by steroid abuse.
Mrs. Whitmore: Sigh. That's too bad. You girls should take a lesson from this. What was his artifact?
Rose: It was a photograph of himself, Brittany, Jodie, Daria, and Jane. In the background you can see Kevin goofing off with a couple straws up his nose. Additionally, there were a lot of clippings from the school paper, all by the same writer, Joe O'Toole. The clippings usually depicted Kevin doing something stupid, such as getting his leg broken on a motorcycle or ralphing in the men's room from having consumed too much beverage. There were also some articles of him doing something cool such as winning a school championship. More often than not, the articles slanted towards Kevin as a buffoon, with only a few articles depicting Kevin as a good guy. Further review of the yearbooks around that time frame found no Joe O'Toole either in the student body or on staff at Lawndale. Best guess is it was a pseudonym for Mack.
Yui: We've already sent a copy of the picture into the WWF for verification and have already received several bids from interested Mack Daddy fans. A first generation scan of it could bring in some serious cash since he can be seen with several other "questionable" people.
Austin: Seriously, you need a money manager?
Yui: Have your people call my people.
Austin: You don't have any "people."
Yui: Well, then in that case, "no."
Colin: Well, I thought the story was kind of bland.
Rose: You're kidding, right?
John: Hey, hey, no arctic glances in here. We're allowed to say what we think. And I have to agree. It didn't keep my attention like some of the others.
Diana: Are you kidding? This was a great story! It had passion, drama, love of the game, a rousing list of plays that had the blood jumping to see what happened next. It was about the World Series!
Debbie: It doesn't get any better than the World Series. Unless it's the Superbowl. Or the Stanly Cup playoffs.
Bob: Oh, you jockettes only like it because it's about sports.
Diane: What's not to like? It's simply a great story.
Bob: Meaning, it kept your interest.
Larissa: What's wrong with keeping interest? Isn't that what all authors want?
Colin: C'mon, it was still a sport story. It's the same thing you read about every Monday morning in the sports sections.
Debbie: It's more than that. It's cohesion of story to a play-by-play. It showed more than simply announcing stats.
Barry: But it was still… just a sports story.
Diana: So what about your tear-jerker stories? Should I not like them since they don't have sports involved?
Nick: People, people, we're getting a little off the subject. We could go round and round on this and still not come up with one description or review that appeals to everyone. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.
Kara: Nick, what did you think of the story? Did you like it?
Mrs. Whitmore: Good question. Nick?
Nick: Personally, I like all the stories. For one specific reason. They all show insights of the people that wrote them. It doesn't matter if some are written better than others. Everyone has a different taste. What matters is that they took the time to write them in the first place.
Mrs. Whitmore: So which did you like the best?
Nick: I'll withhold answering that until I've heard all stories. Speaking of… Bob, Diane, you two are up for next week. Rose, Yui – great job, you two.
Next: Daria's Story: This Can't Go On
Contact me:
Jwbandsb@cs.com
Disclaimer
Copyright (C) 2003 by Steven A. Brown, all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews (yeah, like that's going to happen), and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only (again, like that's going to happen).
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.
The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Sandi Griffin, Timothy O'Neill, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.
The Characters of future students are entirely fictionalized and only sounds like the names of other fan fiction authors whose work I have read and enjoyed. Just wait until I start putting in other author's nam… er, that is, it's all a coincidence I tell you. A coincidence! To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. Or could it? I leave questions like that to philosophers, or to OTR drivers who have experienced significant sleep deprivation.