Chapter 26: I Want My Dad!
"Daws...what about your long sweater?" Meredith stood in front of her daughter's closet, "people made sweaters in the olden days."
"I don't like that sweater." Dawsyn replied, standing on the other side of the room in front of her empty suitcase.
"Izzie made it."
"It's ugly."
"What about this one?" Meredith rolled her eyes, pulling out another sweater, this time it was green.
"I guess that's better." Dawsyn sighed.
"Okay..." Meredith bit her lip, turning around and sitting it on her daughter's bed.
"Sadie and her mom said that it's going to be cold."
"Okay...get some leggings from your drawer for under your jeans."
"Did they have leggings a long time ago?" Dawsyn asked, as she took them out of her dresser and tossed them into the suitcase.
"I...yeah...they just called them long johns."
"Long johns?" Dawsyn giggled.
"Yeah." Meredith shrugged.
"Is Derek going to come see me before I leave?" Dawsyn questioned.
"Oh um...I don't know."
"I want to see him before I go."
"Why?" Meredith pulled three pairs of leggings from the drawer. "You're going to see him when you get back. Remember, he's taking you to the hospital."
"I know. But I want to see him." Dawsyn groaned.
"Why?" Meredith giggled.
"Because..."
"Well I don't know what he is up to."
"Can you call him?"
"I don't know...you're leaving the day after tomorrow."
"Please Mom?"
"I'll...call him later." Meredith replied, figuring she'd just really ask Derek when he came over after Dawsyn went to bed.
"Thank you." Dawsyn smiled, picking up a sweatshirt. "Can I bring this?"
"I don't think they had the Seattle Seahawks in the olden days." Meredith laughed.
"But it's gonna be cold."
"That's why you'll have a few sweaters and long-sleeved shirts." Meredith replied, feeling her daughter's head. "You still feeling okay?"
"I'm fine." Dawsyn rolled her eyes, pushing Meredith's hand off her head.
"Be nice." Meredith replied. "I'm just making sure you're okay before I send you out into the wilderness."
"We're going to a camping ground. It's not the wilderness."
"Well...you're still going to be outside."
"I'm fine, Mom." Dawsyn groaned.
"I know...just making sure."
"Can I please bring my Seahawks sweatshirt?" Dawsyn asked. "Derek gave it to me..."
"You really like Derek don't you?" Meredith giggled, sitting back on the little girl's bed.
"He's really nice."
"Oh..."
"Don't you think he's nice?"
"He is nice..."
"I think he should come over more."
"Oh." Meredith breathed, pulling a pillow next to her chest. "I don't know what he has going on in his life but work keeps him very busy."
"Does he have a girlfriend?" Dawsyn asked, putting more pants into her suitcase.
"No." Meredith replied quickly.
"You should be his girlfriend." Dawsyn grinned.
"No...we're not...I don't need to be his girlfriend."
"Why not?"
"Because...I um...I want you to know you don't need a hot man to be happy." Meredith made her response up as she went along. "You should be independent."
"You think he's hot." Dawsyn giggled.
"No, I don't...why do you always try to put words in my mouth Daws?"
"You said you don't need a hot man."
"Oh...well I was just trying to make a point."
"I think he's cute."
"He's too old for you."
"Duh."
"Do you want me to find a trail mix recipe for your trip?" Meredith asked, using the chance to change the topic. "Your class could all have some."
"That'd be cool." Dawsyn smiled.
"Then I'll be like the best mom ever." Meredith replied.
"Will you make some brownies too?"
"If by make them for you, you mean that you make them then yes."
"Okay." Dawsyn giggled.
"Did you grab socks?"
"Oops."
"Don't forget those." Meredith instructed, walking over to her closet. "Where are your rain boots?"
"Downstairs. They're wet."
"Okay...I'll sit them on the porch to dry them out...it's not supposed to rain tomorrow."
"Mommy..."
"What?"
"I um...I want to do something fun from the camping trip."
"You what?" Meredith dug through her daughter's closet.
"I want to send postcards from my trip..." Dawsyn began.
"You're only going to be gone for four days...you want to send post cards?" Meredith asked, looking for her daughter's old shoes.
"To dad." Dawsyn said quietly.
"What?" Meredith stopped, looking up at her daughter.
"I want to send dad a postcard from the camping trip."
"Daws..."
"I just need his address." Dawsyn said, disregarding the tone in her mom's voice.
"Daws...I..." Meredith began looking through the closet feverishly.
"Please."
"Daws, he doesn't...I can't give you his address because I don't have it."
"Why not?"
"Do you want your sunglasses?"
"I want Daddy's address." Dawsyn repeated, stronger this time.
"Dawsyn!" Meredith groaned, standing up from the floor. "I don't have it."
"Why not?" Dawsyn asked
"Don't worry about that." Meredith replied, tossing the sweater Izzie had made onto her bed.
"I want to send him a letter!"
"You can't Daws...write someone else."
"I want to tell Daddy!" Dawsyn yelled
"Why don't you write Alex...or George..."
"No!"
"So, what if we go watch a movie..." Meredith turned away.
"Who's my dad?" Dawsyn asked, her voice quieter now.
"Dawsyn..." Meredith turned around, a hand on her hip. "We'll have this conversation when you're older...you don't need to know. It's not important."
"Yes, it is. Everybody in my class knows their dad...except for me."
"You don't have one Daws...you never needed one before and you don't need a dad now."
"You're lying."
"Dawsyn..." Meredith ran a hand through her hair.
"Who's my dad?" Dawsyn repeated.
"You don't have one!" Meredith raised her voice, her eyes welling up with tears. "You don't have one...and why do you care. That man has never been here so why does it matter now?"
"I want to know!" Dawsyn cried.
"Dawsyn you don't have a dad!"
"Stop saying that!"
"You don't have a dad!" Meredith felt the tears pour down her cheek.
"Yes I do!" Dawsyn said, tears falling down her cheeks as well.
"Dawsyn...we're not talking about this!"
"Tell me!"
"No!"
"If you don't tell me...I'm going to run away and find him."
"No you won't!" Meredith shouted, "You won't find him because he has no idea you were ever born, and I don't know who he is!"
"What?" Dawsyn whispered, not quite understanding what her mom was saying.
"Dawsyn..." Meredith whimpered.
"Go away..."
"I'm sorry Daws...I just...I don't know who your dads and that's bad and it's not something you'll understand until you get older but...he doesn't even know I was ever pregnant with you..." Meredith bit back the tears. "You'll understand one day just how bad that is...and I'm sorry. I was different eleven years ago..."
"Go away!" Dawsyn screamed.
"Daws..." Meredith cried. "Please..."
"I want my dad!"
"You don't need him." Meredith whispered. "And I know you want to know him...because you probably get a lot from him but...Dawsyn we've done pretty well for eleven years on our own."
"Go away!" Dawsyn yelled again, jumping on her head and burying her head in her pillow.
"Daws...just...okay..." Meredith whispered, backing out of the room.
"I hate you!"
"Dawsyn...don't say that!" Meredith stopped in the doorway. There were tears falling down her cheeks. "I hoped we would have this conversation when you were older, and I envisioned it going like this. I thought I had time. So please...say you don't mean that."
"Get out of my room!" Dawsyn screamed through her tears.
"I'm sorry Dawsyn Elizabeth."
"Go!"
"Okay..." Meredith bit back the rest of her tears as she stepped away, lightly closing the door to her little girl's bedroom. This wasn't what she had planned, she had planned on being able to fend this question off longer. She thought once her daughter started asking, they could wait years before she admitted to Dawsyn about her past.
Meredith slid the ground, tears falling from her cheeks as she pulled her cell from her pocket. She wasn't planning on this and now she wasn't sure why she was falling apart. She knew once Dawsyn knew the truth that she would hate her but she wasn't expecting her daughter to hate her after eleven years. They had once been happy, then her daughter grew a desire to know a man Meredith didn't even know.