Chapter 27: Mistakes

Derek was looking forward to this. Not just because of the sex but because of the alone time that he would get to spend with Meredith. He brought a bottle of wine, some stuff to cook for dinner and a small chocolate cake He pulled up to her house, not expecting to see her sitting on the front porch, no expression on her face.

"Hey you." Derek yelled, as he got out of his car.

"Hey..." Meredith uttered, rubbing her legs from the cold.

"Are you alone?" He asked, smiling as he walked up the steps of the porch, taking a seat next to her.

"Dawsyn's in her room...crying."

"I thought she left for her trip today."

"Day after tomorrow."

"Wow...I'm early." He laughed. holding up the bag of things he brought.

"Overnight bag?"

"Wine...food..cake...condoms."

"You can stay the night...she's not really talking to me so she won't ask."

"I thought she left yesterday. I'm sorry."

"I think we're both wishing she would have left yesterday." Meredith sighed.

"What's going on?" Derek frowned, kissing her cheek.

"Nothing...I'm just the worst mother ever."

"Uh oh..."

"Hmm..." Meredith looked down. "How was work?"

"I had three surgeries." Derek sighed, lacing his fingers with hers.

"That's exciting." Meredith said dryly.

"Okay...What's going on?"

"What?" Meredith looked up at him.

"Something's bothering you." Derek said, kissing her forehead.

"I'm fine." She whispered, barely kissing his lips.

"No you're not." He whispered.

"Yeah I am."

"Promise?" Derek whispered.

"Uh huh..."

"Good." He smiled, kissing her again.

"I'm glad you're here." She murmured against his lips, a tear escaping down her cheek.

"Me too." He smiled, deepening the kiss, not noticing the tear.

"Yeah..." Meredith's shoulders began to shake as she began to sob against his lips.

"Hey..." Derek frowned, breaking the kiss. "You are definitely not okay..."

"I'm sorry..." She cried, shaking her head.

"Don't be sorry..." He whispered, kissing her forehead, and wiping some of the tears off her face.

"I just...I'm awful."

"No you're not."

"Yes...yes I am. I'm horrible." Meredith's body shook. "I'm awful and I did a lot of bad things, but this is...this is bad. Really bad and...Oh God."

"Do you want to talk to me about it?" Derek whispered, gently rubbing her back.

"I can't believe...I never thought she would...and she did and...I did so many bad things."

"What happened?"

"I wasn't expecting her to ask...I mean she'd been asking and she kept asking but tonight...I didn't mean to tell her...I just got upset." Meredith cried.

"Mer...What happened?" Derek whispered.

"Derek...I was young, and I did a lot. A lot of horrible and awful things, but this takes the cake."

"What takes the cake?"

"Dawsyn's father."

"What about him?"

"I don't know."

"I don't understand..."

"When I was in college, I drank and I slept around... I went to college at a young age. I did everything to gain my mother's approval, which never happened. Derek, the thing is, I was born a child genius, so I started attending college at the age of 13. By the time I was 16, I was in my first year of medical school, that was until I got pregnant... " Meredith murmured, wiping her eyes. "She knows now and she's never going to look at me again because of this."

"She's mad at you because of what you did in college?" Derek frowned.

"She's mad at me because she wants to write her father a letter and I can't give her his address."

"Because he doesn't know about her?"

"Right...and um..."

"You can tell me, Mer." Derek whispered.

"I don't know who her father is." Meredith admitted, looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"You don't...Oh..."

"A lot of mistakes..." Meredith whispered. "I was drunk...I was always drunk and always sleeping with someone, and I was awful. Before you ask, I had a really good fake ID made. My daughter wants to know about her father and all I know about him was I slept with him drunk, and it could have been any one of the guys I slept with that weekend."

"I um...Okay..."

"Oh God." Meredith put her head in her hands.

"Hey...Look at me..." Derek breathed.

"No..."

"Mer..."

"I know it was bad...and nobody could tell me any differently when I was young but now...I mean my daughter wants to know about her dad and my best answer all this time was that she didn't have one."

"Look at me." Derek repeated.

"Derek..."

"Please."

"What?" Meredith gasped, looking up at him. "I know I was a whore...I've lived with knowing this for eleven years, okay?"

"That's not at all what I was going to say." Derek whispered.

"She hates me."

"Meredith...all of this...the sleeping around and the drinking and all of that...It's in the past. It happened and it's done. What matters is who you are now. You're an amazing mother...and don't say that you're not. And you're an incredible friend."

"Friend..."

"Dawsyn is young and she can't understand this right now, but she will."

"And when she understands what slut means...she'll associate it with me."

"You're not a slut."

"If you knew things about me...you wouldn't be sitting here right now."

"I know now and I'm still here."

"I don't know who my daughter's father is."

"Because of mistakes that you made that are in the past...Not who you are today."

"Derek..." Meredith cried.

"Do you want me to go talk to her?" Derek whispered.

"I'm pretty sure she really hates me."

"I'm going to go up and see her...I'll be right back." He said, standing up and kissing her forehead.

"Okay." She whispered.

"Daws..." Derek said, knocking on the little girl's door.

"Go away!" Dawsyn screamed, not recognizing the voice as she sobbed into her pillow.

"Daws...It's Derek." He whispered, slowly opening the bedroom door.

"I don't want my mom to come in!"

"She's still downstairs."

"Is she leaving?" Dawsyn sat up, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with her tears.

"Leaving?" Derek asked, walking over, sitting on the edge of her bed.

"I want her to go away!"

"She's not coming up here. I promise."

"Good." Dawsyn whimpered.

"Can we talk?"

"Why?" Dawsyn sniffled.

"Because...I want to." Derek said, brushing her hair off her face like he did for Meredith.

"She's so mean...and I hate her...and I never want my Mommy again."

"You don't mean that."

"She's the worst mom ever, Derek."

"She told me what happened."

"I want my dad." Dawsyn's eyes filled with more tears.

"I know, kiddo." Derek whispered, rubbing her arm.

"Everyone else has a dad at school and I want mine." Dawsyn sobbed. "What if he's looking for me?"

"Then I bet he'll find you." Derek replied.

"Then why hasn't he yet?" Dawsyn cried. "My mom said she doesn't even know who he is, but he might know who I am."

"Want to know something?"

"What?"

"I didn't have a dad either for a long time."

"You didn't?" Dawsyn wiped her eyes.

"Nope...He died when I was a little kid." Derek replied.

"He did?"

"Yeah."

"Was he nice?"

"He was really nice."

"I'm sorry your Daddy died."

"Me too."

"I...I just wanted to know if my Dad missed me...or if he wanted to see me." Dawsyn cried, before looking up at Derek. "What did my Mom mean when she said she didn't know who he was?"

"Well...um...When your Mommy found out she was going to have you, she didn't know which one of her friends was your dad."

"So Alex or George are my dad?" Dawsyn looked at him strangely.

"No...Her old friends when she was in college."

"Oh."

"She made a mistake, Daws...Everybody, even doctors make big mistakes." Derek explained.

"My mom made a big mistake." Dawsyn cried. "I hate her."

"I've made big mistakes before too."

"Yeah, but you didn't lie."

"She's really sorry, Daws."

"I don't care!" Dawsyn exclaimed.

"I've made big mistakes before in surgery...Mistakes that really hurt people." Derek said, trying to get her to understand.

"Were they mad at you?" Dawsyn asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Very mad."

"I wish my mom would go away." Dawsyn whispered.

"Do you really wish that? Or are you just angry right now?"

"I really wish it."

"Dawsyn...Your mom is really upset too...She feels terrible that she hurt you. I think it's important for you to know that."

"Good...I hope she hates herself."

"Dawsyn."

"I wish my dad was here and not my mom!" Dawsyn added. "I bet he loves me more!"

"Nobody loves you more than your mom." Derek whispered. "I know that for a fact."

"If she loved me then she would know who and where my daddy is." Dawsyn groaned, throwing herself back on her bed. "All the kids in my class have dads who take them places and who spend Father's Day with them and love them and I don't!"

"That just makes you even more special, Daws." Derek said, rubbing her back.

"My Mommy is terrible."

"Your mom would do anything for you. Anything."

"No she wouldn't."

"Yes she would, Daws."

"I'm not talking to her."

"You don't have to."

"Good! Cause I'm never talking to her again."

"Yes you will...I know you love her."

"I hate her." Dawsyn cried into her pillow.

"Will you make me a promise?" Derek said, rubbing the little girls back.

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll go on your trip and have a good time...and then talk to your mom.

"I don't want to talk to her!"

"I know you don't right now."

"I'm not talking to her until I really have to...like graduation...or her funeral." Dawsyn exaggerated.

"Okay." Derek chuckled. "Well as long as you talk to her eventually."

"I wish you were my Dad."

"I can be...somebody like your Dad."

"I wish...because you're here and you're nice and you would tell me who my mom was even if you didn't see her for a long time."

"How about..." Derek smiled. "I give you my cell phone number and you can call me whenever you want to talk about this."

"Really?" Dawsyn's face perked up just a bit.

"Really."

"That would be nice."

"I'll write it down and leave it for you before I go back downstairs, okay?"

"Okay." Dawsyn whispered. "And can you take me to school the day after tomorrow before my field trip? I don't' want my Mommy to."

"I have to work, kiddo."

"Please...can't you go in later?"

"I'll try."

"Then my Mom can stay at home alone."

"I'll see what I can do about it...But you have to make me one more promise."

"What?" Dawsyn crossed her arms.

"By the time you and me go to the Jonas Brothers, you have to be talking to your Mom."

"But I will still be eleven."

"I know."

"Maybe." Dawsyn groaned.

"You have to promise me." Derek smiled.

"No!"

"Will you at least think about it?"

"I'll think about it but I'm really mad at her."

"I know. You're allowed."

"Okay." Dawsyn wiped her eyes, yawning a little in a way that made Derek smile. She really did resemble her mother in both looks and attitude.

"Get some sleep, okay?" Derek whispered.

"I will." Dawsyn breathed, as Derek pulled the covers over her.

"Goodnight, Daws." Derek whispered, kissing Dawsyn's cheek.

"Goodnight Derek."

"I'll try to come see you before you leave if I can't take you okay?"

"Okay." Dawsyn smiled.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Dawsyn yawned, as Derek turned off the light.

"Bye." Derek smiled, slowly closing the door to the bedroom. It was just tonight that he realized how complicated of a situation he had gotten himself into and why Meredith had continually warned him when they first met that he didn't want to get involved. Except there was something about it that he liked, something about being involved in a family and involved in their life that made it special, even if it was a difficult situation and even if it meant being the problem solver between the woman that he deeply cared for and her spunky eleven-year-old.